


Caught in the Hands of Fate

by FadedSparks



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 212,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadedSparks/pseuds/FadedSparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> **Author's Note:** Thank you to trueshellz for the beautiful artwork, and lunadragonx for the wonderful beta job she has done for me. Also, this story has gone through it's share of betas so I would just like to thank kazminka  & genevieve_1 for the beta help they gave to me during this fic as well.

-~*~-  
 **Prologue:**  
-~*~-

January 23rd, 2001

Deep hazel eyes stare out the third story window, taking in the beautiful sight, the breathtaking pink and purple hues of another sunset that the silent man can’t bring himself to appreciate. He doesn’t have the strength to care about the natural beauty around him; he has lost his passion for pretty much everything these last couple of days. In the soft chill of the winter breeze, he takes in deep lungfuls of fresh and clean air while spending a few hours laughing with his closest friends. All of this means very little to him at the moment, even though he wishes he could feel an ounce of joy from the things he has always loved. The only thing that means a damn to him right now is laying a few feet away, which still sort of amazes him, because he never believed he was capable of caring so deeply.

Jared drags his hazel eyes from the window to the man in question and feels warmth spread throughout his body; a fondness in his heart of which he has only become familiar this past year or so. He has had crushes on people many times in his twenty-one years, has even loved once before, but none of them compare to the intense feelings and emotions in his heart when he thinks of, or even looks at, the light haired man.

His life has always been mundane and routine. Not unfulfilling, but it has always been ordinary and nothing life altering had ever happened to him. That is, until this wonderful man came into his life. When he met the kind and gentle man, he found himself experiencing things he never imagined he would. His life was irreversibly changed for the better, and there isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t thank the higher powers for that.

Even more than that, he has never had someone care so much about him before. No one has ever really loved him the way a significant other is supposed to until now. He has never felt such a connection with another person before. He has never been loved so unconditionally, never been the center of another person’s world. The feeling is all consuming. When the other man simply smiles in his direction, he feels like he is falling into an endless abyss, only he isn’t afraid. He feels enveloped by love and security.

He has made mistakes; ones he is trying to make up for, and he isn’t going to stop trying to make amends to the person who means most to him. Even forty-eight hours ago he was still hurting the one person he claims to care about with his actions. Actions that were brought on by fear, and while he may never be able to forgive himself, he is hoping to be given a second chance to make it up to the blonde man. Jared has come to realize that he can’t live without him, and he is going to make it his personal mission to make the other man believe that.

Jared lets out a sigh as he rises from his seat by the window, the room growing dark now that the sun has made its descent, and crosses the space between his chair and the bed. Perching himself on the edge of the bed, Jared takes the man’s hand in his own and gazes down at him; eyes limpid with affection. He aches to reach out and cup that motionless face with the palm of his hand, but he holds himself back, content with just taking in the sight with his eyes.

It is still a mystery to him how he managed to capture the attention of such an amazing person, much less obtain the love the blonde bestows upon him so eagerly. He had never been with a man before, and at times it still scares him, but he isn’t going to let it hold him back anymore. He is going to do things right this time; he is going to give himself over completely to the green eyed vision before him.

If there is one thing this remarkable man has taught him, it is to not be ashamed of who he is and whom he loves. This is his life, no one else’s, and he plans to live it to the fullest. He is done taking life for granted, and he will never truly be happy until he is honest with himself and everyone else about who he _really_ is.

“I promise, I’m going to make it up to you,” Jared whispers in the darkness of the room, lightly squeezing the hand grasped in his. “I won’t be as foolish as I was before, this time you’re gonna have all of me; everything I possibly have to give. You’re going to come first, above everything else, and that includes my family. I’ll never let you down again, I won’t be stupid enough to let you go a second time.”

He may have been led astray, he may have not shown the keeper of his heart just how deeply he cares for him, but he knows for certain that he is in love and he plans on telling the man when he awakens…


	2. Spread Your Wings & Fly Away

-~*~-  
 **Chapter One:**  
 _Spread Your Wings & Fly Away_  
-~*~-

September 2nd, 1999

Jensen shifts in his seat aboard the Greyhound bus to relieve the ache in his backside and turns his eyes to the left to stare out the window. The person sitting next to him has fallen asleep and is snoring rather loudly; it is finally starting to get on Jensen's nerves. It has been a long bus ride from Texas to California and he is tired of being on the road, tired of the crowded bus.

His heart is heavy with burden, but he is also anxious to arrive at his destination. He has vowed to make a life for himself here in California, and not dwell over the past. He can still remember the moment he walked out to the mailbox and found his acceptance letter waiting for him. He was so overjoyed and excited when he ripped open the envelope and read the words written on the crisp white paper. He had achieved his goal. He was one step closer to the life he had always wanted.

California State has been the college he has wanted to go to ever since he was in junior high. He worked hard at his studies, and never lost his determination. In the end, all his hard work paid off. The joy and relief he felt was all consuming and impossible to put into words. His family shared his happiness and expressed how proud of him they were. He, himself, had never felt more proud than at that moment, watching the smiles crossing the faces of the people closest to him.

He hadn’t applied to go to college right after high school, choosing instead to take a break from school and studying. His parents hadn’t been thrilled, wanting him to jump right into getting the knowledge he would need for a respectable job, but they had accepted and supported his decision. But now, at twenty years old, he is finally taking that step. He should have been on this bus two weeks ago, so he could get settled into his dorm and into his new routine before classes started, but he figures it is better late than never.

Jensen lets out a sigh and watches the scenery pass by in a blur, though he isn't really acknowledging it. Instead, he thinks about his family. The last conversation he had with them has been repeatedly playing in his head since he boarded the Greyhound. He is saddened and disappointed, but he is trying his best to put that in his past and look toward his future.

 

_Jensen pushes the green beans around on his plate; his mind is pre-occupied and making him nervous to the point that he feels nauseous. There is a secret he has kept from his family and the burden has become too much to bear. He really hates lying to his family, hiding a large part of himself from their knowledge. He wants them to know the real him, and love him for who he is. Right now, he feels as though they don't truly know him, and, because of this, cannot love him the way he needs them to._

_His friends know him inside and out, know all there is to know about him. His family doesn't though, and he can't deny how much that hurts. To hide something so important and significant from the people you care most about in your life, well, it doesn't feel good. He has been wracking his brain for the past few weeks, trying to find the best way to break the news to them. It isn't that he is ashamed, he honestly couldn't feel more confident and content with himself, but he knows it is going to come as a shock to them._

_He lifts his head and stares blankly at his mom, realizing she has said something to him, but he's not exactly sure what. She smiles softly, though concern is shining in her eyes, and she asks if he is alright. He nods his head slightly, which isn't convincing, because he is unsure if now is the right time to bring it up._

_"You've barely touched your food," his mom says with a frown, "and I can see that something is on your mind."_

_Jensen breathes in and exhales heavily, hesitantly looking at his family, who are all staring in growing concern. "Well... there's been something I've been meaning to tell you, only... well, I wasn't quite sure how to approach the subject."_

_"Is everything okay? You're not in some kind of trouble, are you?" his father asks worriedly._

_"No, I'm not in trouble. This is more on a personal level, something about me you guys don't know about."_

_"You can tell us anything, Jensen, you know that," his mother reassures him; not just with her words but with her eyes._

_“I know you’ve always wanted me to settle down with a nice girl and start a family of my own, but…,” Jensen stops briefly, but he continues when he realizes there is no way he can put this lightly. Besides, there is no use in beating around the bush. “Well, that’s just not going to happen for me.”_

_Josh stares at him with guarded eyes as he processes these words. “What are you trying to say Jen?”_

_Jensen looks at his family shyly and ducks his head before saying, “I’m not going to have that because I’m gay.”_

_The silence that follows his confession is deafening, and a bad feeling grows within his chest, tightening around his heart to the point of painful. He dares to lift his head and is met with shocked expressions. Josh is looking at him steadily, his face unreadable, and Jensen isn’t sure what to make of it. His mom refuses to even look at him, while the expression on his father’s face is one of undisguised disgust. However, Mackenzie is simply looking at him with a soft expression on her facial features, no disgust or disappointment in sight, and that, at least, gives him a little relief from the panic suffocating him._

_He sits there just listening to the quiet breathing of his loved ones around him and feels the panic growing steadily within his chest. He takes the silence for exactly what it is: a bad sign. He can’t help but wonder what is going through their minds. Are they just so shocked they don’t know what to say? Should he just sit patiently and wait for them to speak first - give them time to come to terms with what he has just confessed to them? The tightening in his chest tells him that he doesn’t have the patience, and the silence is eating him alive._

_“Could you please say something, say anything?” he pleads softly with an expression on his face to match._

_His father keeps a steady eye on him, disgust still evident on his face, as he stands up without so much as a word and stalks out of the kitchen. Jensen follows him with his eyes, frowning sadly, wondering if he has just lost his dad. Josh looks hesitant for a moment, unsure what he should do. After a moment, he says he is going to check on their dad, make sure he is okay, and then he too is leaving the kitchen._

_Jensen lets out the sigh he has been holding back and turns to look at his mom, a hopeful expression on his face. He isn’t sure where he stands as far as Josh is concerned, and he has a pretty good feeling that he has lost his dad, but he can’t lose his mom as well. He really needs his family’s support, and, since it would appear that isn’t going to happen, he would at least like to have his mom accept him for who he is._

_“I…,” his mom trails off immediately and bites her bottom lip. “I just don’t know what to say to you, Jensen. I… don’t agree with that with that type of lifestyle; I wasn’t raised that way.”_

_“I’m still the same person you’ve always known, Mom, nothing has changed.” Jensen tries to reason with her, make her see that he is still her son. “Does it really matter who I love? Love is love, no matter what shape or form it is in. So, tell me, how can that be wrong?”_

_“Two men aren’t supposed to be together, it goes against God. It’s a sin,” his mom protests firmly with a hint of sadness in her tone._

_“I can’t help how I feel inside, Mom, it’s a part of me, part of what makes me who I am,” Jensen practically whispers with unshed tears in his eyes, voice sounding broken._

_His mom looks stricken as she shifts her stare around the room before her eyes finally land on her son. “I just… I’ve never been so… I can’t help being so very disappointed in you right now, Jen.” She struggles to express how she is feeling. “I just don’t know if I can accept this. I’m sorry.”_

_Jensen doesn’t say anything as his mom rises and moves to the entryway of the dining room. She turns around and opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, but, in the end, her lips form into a tight line. It hurts him to look into her eyes and see heartbreak shining through, knowing he has really let her down. Jensen lowers his eyes to the table, unable to witness the pain in her stare any longer._

_When she finally leaves the room without another glance behind her, Jensen lowers his head into the cradle of his arms and allows his tears to slide down his face. Knowing he has hurt his family simply by being himself, it pains him more than he can express. He loves his family more than life itself, and has always believed they would stick by him no matter what. Now he feels like he has lost everything._

_He startles when a hand closes around his forearm and squeezes reassuringly. He lifts his head and sees the sympathy in Mackenzie’s eyes. After everything that just happened, he almost forgot she was still in the room._

_“It’s gonna be okay, Jen, just give them time, I’m sure they’ll come around,” she says softly, squeezing his arm again to emphasize her words._

_“I dunno, Mack, they’re really upset.” Jensen sighs and looks back down at the table. “I don’t see what’s so wrong about me being gay. It shouldn’t matter who I love. It should only matter that I’m happy, right?”_

_“There’s nothing wrong with it, and you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of who you are,” she says firmly, with conviction._

_For a moment, Jensen feels stronger as he looks at his sister and says proudly, “I’m not ashamed. I’ve accepted it a long time ago, and I refuse to be ashamed of myself. I see nothing wrong with me… but it still hurts, ya know. I never thought they would turn their backs on me so easily.”_

_Mackenzie stands up and pulls him into her embrace, hugging him tightly. “You’ll always have me, though. I’m never gonna abandon you.”_

_“Thanks, Mack,” he whispers into her hair, “I really appreciate your love and support. I dunno what I’d do without you.”_

_“I know, you’d be lost without me; wouldn’t know what to do with yourself,” she says, mainly to see Jensen laugh and roll his eyes._

 

Jensen mentally shakes the memory away as a lone tear slides down his face. Reaching up, he wipes the tear away and resumes looking out the window, as the scenery passes before his eyes. A week after telling his family the truth about his sexuality, he packed up his things and left for college, where he is currently headed. He is determined to leave the past behind him and focus on his future.

Things were awkward between him and his parents for the remainder of the week, and a large part of him realizes he may never return home. He did promise to keep in touch with Mackenzie, though. She made him promise to call as soon as he arrived at his dorm room, no matter what time it is. Though he has lost the rest of his family, he is still so relieved to have Mackenzie staying by his side. At least, it helps him to feel like he hasn’t lost everything completely; he still has his sister.

Pushing these thoughts to the furthest recesses of his mind, he thinks about what lies ahead, and a smile grows on his face. He had to leave his old life behind, but, here, in California, he can start a new one.

**:0Ж0:**

He is jolted into awareness when the bus lurches to a stop, and he realizes that California State is only a couple blocks away. He stumbles off of the bus, the hours of sitting having made his joints kind of stiff. The driver grabs his bags from the luggage compartment and roughly hands them over, barely looking in Jensen’s direction.

Jensen shrugs off the rude attitude, figuring the driver is just tired after so much time on the road, and begins walking down the sidewalk toward the university. He is anxious to arrive and get settled in. He would love to walk around campus and get acquainted with everything, but he really is exhausted after such a long trip, and he wants nothing more than to catch a couple of hours of sleep.

Before long, he is standing in front of the building and looking at everything in awe. It is just as great as he imagined it would be. Sure, it is late and there is no one about, but that doesn’t take away from the initial pleasure of his first experience at the school. Simply put, the place is beautiful. He sees it this way mainly because, when he looks at the building, all he can think about is freedom and a fresh, new start. Already, he is feeling better than he has in the past week.

Looking down at the paper he has taken out of his pocket, he reads the name of his dorm room, and finally heads in that direction. It takes him a while to find the right room without getting himself lost, but eventually he arrives at his destination. Pulling out his room key, he unlocks the room, and, as quietly as possible, enters into the darkness. He simply stands by the door and waits for his eyes to adjust to the dark.

One side of the room is already decorated with another person’s possessions, but the bed is empty. Knowing it is none of his business, and figuring his roommate is staying the night elsewhere, he ignores this new information and turns on the light. Moving straight to his bed, he drops his luggage down onto the floor and flops down onto it, feeling exhaustion creeping up on him.

Forcing himself into a standing position before he can fall asleep, he takes a set of sheets out of a suitcase and gets to work on making his bed. By the time he throws a blanket down, he realizes he is much too tired to do anything else and simply throws his body down onto his bed, falling asleep almost instantly.

**:0Ж0:**

A low groan escapes his lips when he opens his eyes and, disoriented, he tries to figure out what woke him up. Through blurry vision brought on by sleep, he sees a figure sitting on the bed directly across from him. This person is staring down at a book lying open on his bed and his head is bobbing to the music coming from his stereo; the thing that woke him up.

The volume isn’t up very loud, but Jensen is a light sleeper and just about anything can wake him up. He isn’t familiar with the song that is playing, but he can tell that it is country and it’s something he could see himself listening to.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Jensen takes a moment to look over the person on the bed, whom he presumes to be his roommate. A pair of faded blue jeans hangs low on his hips, revealing a strip of blue boxers, and a No Fear t-shirt hangs loosely from his torso. Jensen watches as the guy brushes a few strands of brown hair out of his eyes, only for them to fall right back into place. Jensen has never thought that shaggy hair looks good on men before, but the whole shaggy look works for this guy.

Tearing his eyes away from his room companion, not wanting to get caught staring, he releases another groan and forces his resisting body into a sitting position. His movement catches the guy’s attention, and, after a moment of just staring at each other, Jensen is blinded by a bright, dimpled smile.

“Sorry, man, the music didn’t wake you, did it? I was trying to be quiet so you could sleep,” the guy says looking apologetic.

“Nah, I’m just a light sleeper. The barest of noises can wake my ass up,” Jensen replies with a chuckle.

The guy smiles in response before rising from his bed and walking the few feet to Jensen‘s bed. _Damn, this guy is a giant!_ Jensen thinks to himself in surprise, staring up at the guy towering over him. _I know I’m not exactly tiny, but I have never felt so small before._

“I’m guessing you’re my roommate. I’m Jared, by the way, Jared Padalecki,” the giant - Jared - says with an outstretched hand.

“Jensen.” He takes Jared’s hand in his own, shaking it briefly. “Jensen Ackles.”

“Cool,” Jared says, absentmindedly nodding his head. “So, where ya from?”

“Richardson, Texas,” Jensen replies as Jared sits back down on his bed.

Jared’s eyes light up and the grin on his face widens. “Seriously? I’m from San Antonio. Guess I got lucky, getting a roommate from the same state as me and all.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Jensen replies softly. _Great, he’s from Texas, I hope to God my sexual preference isn’t going to be a problem._

Obviously Jared detects a change in his tone because a frown quickly forms on his face and he is looking at Jensen worriedly. “Is there a problem?”

“I hope there won’t be,” Jensen replies softly. “It’s not too late to get another dorm room, is it?”

“I'm not really sure,” Jared replies, his frown deepening. “Why? You thinking ’bout getting another room? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course you didn’t do anything wrong,” Jensen quickly reassures him.

“Then, what is it? Obviously something’s wrong. You gonna fill me in, dude?”

“Well, Jared, I’m gay…” Jensen answers without a hint of embarrassment or shame, just a little concern. “That’s not going to be a problem, is it?”

Jared’s eyes widen a fraction, and it takes him a moment to respond. Jensen can tell he is shocked by this confession, but he just can’t tell if Jared is going to be bothered by this or not. Jared doesn’t strike him as homophobic, but he has been wrong before. He likes Jared though, what little he knows of him anyway, and he would like the chance to get to know him a little better. He really doesn’t want his sexuality to be an issue, and that is why he felt it was best to get it out in the open as soon as possible, before it was too late for either of them to find another room.

Jared seems to finally drag himself out of his shocked silence, and a normal expression climbs onto his features. He shakes his head with a friendly smile and waves his hand dismissively.

“It isn’t gonna be a problem; there’s no need for either of us switching rooms. I’m not homophobic or anything, so you have nothing to worry about,” Jared says with that friendly smile, and Jensen lets out a sigh of relief.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you were or anything, I just didn’t want to have any problems considering that if I waited too long to tell you, and you were freaked by it, it might be too late for us to get other living arrangements,” Jensen explains with a light blush on his cheeks, but smiling nonetheless.

“Nah, we’re cool. Besides, this will be a new experience for me. I’ve never had a gay roommate before.” Jared grins widely. “I’m glad you told me though, took a lot of courage to be upfront with me about it.”

“I’m not afraid to admit my sexuality to anyone; I’m pretty open about it. Besides, if we’re going to be roommates, I’d like you to know the _real_ me, and not have to hide that part of myself from you.”

“That’s good, ‘cause I wouldn’t want you to hide,” Jared replies sincerely. “So, I’m heading out with a few friends to lunch, would you like to tag along and meet them? If we’re gonna be hanging out, you’re gonna have to get used to them being around.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Jensen responds, a little nervous about meeting these people simply because of his shy nature. “Just let me get dressed.”

Jared nods his head briefly and then Jensen is getting out of bed. Grabbing his duffel from the floor, he unzips it and pulls out a pair of blue jeans and a black button down shirt. Jared is once again immersed in the book lying open on his bed, so Jensen silently slips into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.

Stripping out of the clothes he wore yesterday, he quickly changes into the pair he pulled from his duffel and then gets to work on brushing his teeth and hair, which is sticking up all over the place. He can’t help feeling a little embarrassed about that, since Jared has just seen his horrible case of bed head and Jensen had absolutely no clue. Jensen isn’t quite sure why he cares what Jared thinks, considering the fact that he hardly knows the guy, but he has the sneaking suspicion that he just might have a crush on his roommate.

_God, that is the last thing I could possibly need!_ Jensen mentally groans when he thinks about it. _Nothing good could possibly come from crushing on my roommate. I have no chance in hell with him, since Jared is obviously straight, the most I could ask for is friendship, so I should just be happy with what I’ve been given._

Pushing these thoughts into the back of his mind, Jensen exits the bathroom and walks over to his bed, sitting down at the end of it. Snatching up his shoes, he places them on his feet and turns to glance at Jared. He is still reading his book, so Jensen grabs his cell from the night stand and flips it open.

He lets out a groan and guilt instantly fills him. “Damn it!” he breathes, and this catches Jared’s attention.

“What’s the problem?” Jared expresses with curiosity.

“I forgot to call my sister when I got here last night. She told me to call her, and I completely forgot,” Jensen explains as he dials his home number.

“I’m sure she’ll forgive ya.” The smile on Jared’s face brings one to Jensen’s.

A gruff voice answers the phone, and Jensen tenses immediately, Jared’s concerned eyes watching him. “Hello?”

“Uh, hey, Dad, is Mack there?” Jensen asks a little shakily.

Jensen is a little disappointed when his dad doesn’t even respond to him, and, at first, he is a little afraid his dad is going to simply hang up on him, but then he can hear his dad’s movements, and he calms down a little. Even over the phone, he can feel the tension rolling off his dad in waves; knowing his dad doesn’t want to talk to him breaks his heart.

A moment later, he can hear the phone being passed into another pair of hands, and then his sister’s voice can be heard over the line.

“Hey, Mack,” Jensen says softly.

“Jensen! You know how late I stayed up waiting for your call? Three in the morning, you jerk! I was practically passing out; I fell asleep with the phone still in my hand.” His sister berates him as soon as she hears his voice.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I just had a really long and exhausting ride, don’t ever take the bus! But, yeah, I crashed as soon as I got here. Sorry about that, I honestly meant to call ya.”

He hears a sigh on the other end of the line and then a soft laugh, a sure sign that he has been forgiven. “It’s okay, Jenny, I understand. I’m just glad you remembered to call me at all; I figured you’d be so caught up in college life that you’d forget all about me,” she says teasingly.

“Don’t call me that! And you should know that’d never happen,” Jensen replies with a smile. “Besides, you’d never let me anyway.”

“Damn straight,” she replies with a soft laugh. “So, ya enjoying yourself, yet, college boy?”

“I haven’t even had the chance to experience college yet, but it’s going good so far. How are things back home?”

“They’re okay,” she answers softly, quietly. “We all miss you here.”

Jensen snorts at this disbelievingly. “I’m serious, Jen. Things might be weird between you guys right now, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. They just don’t know how to deal with everything yet. Give them time and they’ll come around.”

“So you keep saying.” Jensen sighs sadly. “Sorry if I have a hard time believing that, just yet… if ever.”

“One day you’ll see that I’m right,” she says with conviction, and Jensen honestly wants to believe her, but is afraid to allow himself to hope.

“Look, I’m getting ready to head out for some lunch, so I’m gonna have to call ya a bit later,” Jensen says, effectively avoiding the rest of this conversation.

“Alright, I guess. You have a good time, and I’ll talk to you later,” Mackenzie replies a little reluctantly. “I miss ya, big bro.”

“Miss ya too Mack, talk to you later,” Jensen says before hanging up the phone.

Jensen turns his head to look at Jared, only to see him still watching him with that curious expression on his face. Jensen knows what question he has burning on his mind, and he really doesn’t want to explain his situation at home to Jared, at least not right now. That wound is still fresh and easy to get salt in. Right now, he wants to ignore the subject of ‘home’, and see what college has in store for him.

“Don’t get along too well with the folks, I take it,” Jared voices his thoughts and Jensen has to catch himself from flinching.

“You could say that,” Jensen says vaguely, hoping Jared will get the hint that this is a sore topic that shouldn’t be broached right now.

Jared nods his head silently before standing up and grabbing his wallet, placing it in his pocket along with his keys. “You ready to go?”

Jensen simply nods his head in response as he grabs his keys and wallet as well. He follows Jared out of their room, locking the door behind them. As they walk down the hall side by side, anticipation and nervous energy fills Jensen’s body. He is still nervous about meeting Jared’s friends, but he is also a bit excited. This is exactly what he wanted, what he had in mind about college. Not just going to the school he wanted and studying the subject of his choice, but also meeting new people and hopefully forming new, strong friendships while he is here.

That was one thing Jensen was a little worried about: not fitting in. He really didn’t want to go through his college years friendless and lonely. He has never really had a problem making friends, despite how shy he tends to be. He has never approached someone about a friendship before, either, though, they usually just sort of happen. However, everything seems to be going smoothly so far, and he hopes they stay that way.

**:0Ж0:**

Once they reach Del Taco, they step out of Jared’s Mitsubishi Montero, and Jensen follows him into the building. The first thing he sees when he enters is a bunch of people sitting at the far end of the room, all appearing to be around his age, and he guesses these are the friends Jared was talking about.

They are all talking rather loudly and laughing every few minutes. They seem oblivious to everything around them, so immersed in their conversation. Jensen looks over at Jared to see a smile on his face, and that is all the confirmation he needs. Jensen wonders briefly if he is going to get along with Jared’s friends, because they all seem so different from him, but he doesn’t have time to ponder this for they have reached the tables.

A blonde haired guy looks up as soon as Jared’s shadow falls over the table and a smirk forms on his face. “’Bout time you decided to show your giant ass. You’re always the last to meet up with us.”

“Shut up, douche bag,” Jared responds good naturedly. “Just be glad I hang out with you, I’m the only reason you have any friends.”

“Oh, that hurts, Padalecki,” the blonde replies with a roll of his eyes before setting his sights on Jensen. “Ya bring a stray with ya, Jay?”

Jared turns to Jensen and smiles. “Lay off him, jerk, he’s cool,” Jared says before turning back to the people at the table. “Guys, this is my new roommate, Jensen.”

“Nice to meet you, Jensen,” a petite girl says holding out her hand, which Jensen takes into his own. “I’m Alexis.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you, I’m Tom,” a guy that looks to be around Jared’s size says, “and this freak next to me is Mike.” He is referring the guy in the beanie next to him.

“The douche bag is Chad,” Jared informs Jensen with a laugh. “He can be a bit much at times, but you’ll get used to him.”

“Shut up, jar head, I kick ass! I’m the coolest person at this table!” the blonde, Chad, responds with a scowl; everyone rolls their eyes. “Wassup, Jen, take a seat.”

Jensen flushes shyly and takes a seat next to one of the guys. _He doesn’t appear to be all that friendly_ , Jensen observes with a slight frown. The guy, however, turns to him with a smile and holds out his hand. Jensen feels bad for having judged the guy too quickly, based upon his looks alone. He hates being judgmental in _any_ way, shape or form.

“I’m Christian, but you can call me Chris, everyone else does,” he says with a friendly tone, and Jensen immediately feels comfortable with him. “This guy next to me is Steve,” he motions to a guy with shoulder length blonde hair.

Another girl with dark hair quickly reaches across the table and grabs a hold of his hand, startling Jensen. “Hey cutie, I’m Sophia,” she introduces herself with a wink, and Jensen can’t help but smile at her. “Just ignore these lame ass guys around you, two of them aren’t even worth knowing.” As she says this, she gets matching glares from Chad and Mike.

Sophia’s a pretty girl, even he can’t deny that. She would be the type of girl he wouldn’t mind dating; if he were into girls, that is. He likes her personality, though, and he can tell already that he is going to like spending time with her.

“You’re dating this lame ass guy,” Chad says with a scowl.

Sophia responds with, “I know, and I don’t know why.”

Jensen can’t help the light laugh that leaves his lips, and this earns him a glare from Chad and a flirty smile from Sophia. He doesn’t know why, but from their reactions, he thinks he has silently been accepted into their group.

“So, Jensen, what’s your major?” Tom asks for conversation’s sake.

“I’m taking courses in Human Relations,” Jensen responds proudly.

“Ah, that’s cool. What made you decide to go that route?”

Jensen shrugs his shoulders, and then, after a moment, he finally answers, “I want to help people. Make a difference.”

“Aww, how sweet,” Chad says, making a gagging face, and Jensen just smiles. “So, Jenny boy,” Chad changes the subject, making Jensen scowl at the nickname, “have you seen all these fine lookin’ women on campus? Gonna snag one for yourself?”

Jensen frowns at the question and wonders how he is going to answer. He isn’t going to hide his sexuality. He refuses to do so, after what happened back at home, but he isn’t quite sure how to tell them. He is a little wary of how they will take the news. He has just now started being friends with them, and he doesn’t want to lose that.

“My man, Jen, here, is gay. Do any of you have a problem with that?” Jared asks with narrowed eyes, and Jensen sends him a grateful look.

They are all silent for a moment, matching expressions of shock and surprise on their faces, and then they all quickly reassure him that it is fine; they don’t care if he licks pussy or takes it up the ass. _Kinda crude, but at least they’re accepting me_ , Jensen thinks in slight amusement.

“You let us know if anybody gives you shit, we’ll beat the fuck out of ‘em for ya,” Chad says seriously, and Chris nods his head in agreement.

“You’re our friend now, and no one fucks with one of our own,” Chris says with a playful wink, making Jensen blush a deep crimson.

He turns to look at Jared, and freezes when he sees the look on his face. He is looking at Alexis, unbeknownst to her, with unabashed adoration. He knows what a crush looks like when he sees it, and it is written all over Jared’s face, unless he is already dating Alexis.

Jensen forces himself to tear his eyes away and stares down at his hands like there is nothing he finds more fascinating. He should have known someone like Jared wouldn’t be remotely interested in someone like him. Things like that just don’t happen for him. Guys that he likes either don’t like him in return, or are straight as a fucking pole.

_It’s probably better this way, anyway. I really like Jared, and a relationship could kill our friendship in an instant. Besides, I could already tell that he was straight, it shouldn’t come as such a surprise, and I shouldn’t feel so disappointed_ , Jensen reminds himself, trying to make himself believe this. _But, yet… it still really fuckin’ sucks!_


	3. Let it Be Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wishing everyone who celebrates a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Two:**  
 _Let it Be Enough_  
-~*~-

Jensen waves goodbye to his newfound friends and follows Jared out of the restaurant. They are both silent as they get back in Jared’s vehicle and pull out onto the highway. Classes don’t start up until tomorrow, so they have all day to just mess around and do whatever the hell they feel like. Jared had suggested they go to Target, because there is a movie he wants to pick up, and Jensen had agreed right away - partly because he is pathetic and wants to spend as much time with Jared alone as he can, and partly because he doesn’t feel like going back to the dorm just yet.

Jared reaches out and turns on the stereo and it immediately starts playing the CD he had in. Jensen recognizes the song as one done by Collective Soul, which happens to be one of his favorite bands. He can’t stop himself from smiling widely, and, when Jared sees the smile on his face, he laughs lightly.

Jensen ignores his reaction and just begins singing along with the song. “So I walk upon high… and I step to the edge… to see my world below… and I laugh at myself… while the tears roll down… ‘cause it‘s the world I know… it‘s the world I know…”

After a moment, of both watching in amusement and trying to pay attention to the road, Jared decides to join Jensen, and soon they are both singing rather loudly. Jensen feels utterly comfortable right now, sitting beside Jared and singing along to one of his favorite songs. He can’t quite fathom how he can feel so at ease with Jared, as he barely knows the guy, but he isn’t going to question it.

They reach Target just as the song ends, and Jared parks in the first available parking space that he finds. Walking side by side, they enter the store and head straight to the movie section. As Jared scans through the many different titles, Jensen wanders a little, browsing through the comedy section.

He has at least two hundred dollars on him that he had saved up before heading out to California, and he could buy something if he really felt like it, but he is just happy being here with Jared and looking around. Seeing that the other man is still searching for his movie, Jensen wanders over to the journals and notebooks and starts looking through them.

_I really should get a new one; my old one is almost filled up. Besides, this is a new chapter in my life, I should start fresh in every possible way_ , Jensen silently reasons with himself, contemplating whether he wants to spend the money or not. He honestly hates spending his money on himself, feeling bad whenever he indulges himself. He enjoys spending his money on other people though, it’s one of his favorite things in fact. He knows that keeping a journal is pretty girly, but he doesn’t care.

He is still fighting an inner war with himself when Jared walks up with a DVD in his hand. Jensen looks at him, waiting for him to reveal the mystery DVD, and he raises one eyebrow in disbelief and amusement when Jared holds up The Goonies. Jared frowns and glances down at the movie before scowling at Jensen.

“Shut up, Shorty, this is a good movie!” Jared defends his movie choice.

“Hey, I’m not much shorter than you,” Jensen retaliates in good humor.

“Still shorter than me,” Jared replies with a triumphant grin and Jensen growls and rolls his eyes for good measure. Jared is looking back down at his movie though, with childish glee. “We are _so_ watching this tonight!”

“God, next you’re gonna have me watching Bambi or something,” Jensen says with an exaggerated groan, but a smile is lighting up his face.

“Don’t diss Disney man, those are some good movies.” Jared laughs happily. “So, you gonna get something?”

“Uh, no, let’s just go,” Jensen says as he starts to pass by Jared, but Jared reaches out and stops him by grabbing his arm.

“You thinking ‘bout buyin’ a journal, Jen?” Jared asks with a smirk on his face. “You wanna write down all your _thoughts_ and inner _feelings_?”

Jensen’s face burns as he looks away, and he tells Jared to shut up, shifting from one foot to the other. He hears his companion laugh heartily, and crawls further into himself. _Now would be the time I dig a hole and die_ , Jensen silently thinks as his embarrassment grows. He moves to pass by Jared, but once again, his friend stops him in his place.

“I’m serious, Jen, you want a journal?” Jared asks curiously before moving over to look through them. “It’s okay to keep a journal, lots of guys keep one.”

“Do you keep one?” Jensen asks as he moves to stand beside his friend, looking through the journals too.

“No, but I know guys that do. And if I did keep one, I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s not a big deal,” Jared says with a smile. “Besides, you can get away with it. You are gay after all.”

Jensen knows a jab when he hears one, and he is beginning to learn that Jared enjoys teasing him, so he doesn’t take offense to it. Reaching out, he snags one of the leather bound journals and simply walks away. Jensen can hear Jared following along behind him and can actually feel the smile on his back.

Jared and Jensen pay for their purchases and then exit the store. They climb back into the Montero and pull out of the parking lot. Jensen gets comfortable in his seat as Jared turns to him and asks if he would like to get some Starbucks before they head back to the dorm. Jensen simply nods his head and stays quiet.

He sits back in his seat and silently contemplates whether he should ask Jared about Alexis or not. He is curious to know if they are dating, or if Jared just has a crush on her. Either way, he can clearly see that there is an attraction there. At least, there is on Jared’s part. He isn’t too sure about Alexis; she didn’t give any signs that they are dating, or that she even finds him attractive.

Glancing over, he discreetly watches as he lip synchs along with the song blaring through the speakers. Jared doesn’t notice his watchful eye, and if he does, he doesn’t call him out on it. He can’t help but notice how attractive Jared is, with his shaggy brown hair and puppy dog eyes. It bothers him to think that Jared is straight, because he would give anything to have those eyes looking at him the way they were looking at Alexis.

Jared suddenly turns to him and asks, “What do you want?”

Jensen’s eyebrows shoot up, and he gapes at Jared in embarrassment, thinking he has pissed him off. “What?” he asks stupidly.

Jared motions outside his window, and Jensen realizes in relief that they are in the drive thru line for Starbucks. “Uh, a café mocha is fine, thanks.”

Jared nods his head and orders the mocha and a strawberries and cream frappuccino for himself. Once he is done giving the Starbucks worker their order, he turns back to Jensen and looks at him quizzically. Jensen just shrugs meekly and lowers his head, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. He is glad that he didn’t get on Jared’s nerves with all the staring, though; he would have just died of embarrassment.

_Maybe I should ask him about Alexis now, while we’re just sitting here in line waiting for our drinks_ , Jensen thinks to himself, chewing on his bottom lip thoughtfully. He doesn’t understand why he is so nervous about asking Jared. Sure, he is a little afraid of confirming his thoughts, but he is already pretty positive that Jared, at the very least, has a crush on her, so what could it hurt to know for sure. Besides, the unanswered question is just going to drive him crazy. It already is, in a way.

“Hey, Jared, I was kinda curious,” Jensen begins, and Jared turns to look at him, “is anything going on between you and that Alexis chick?”

“Why do you ask?” Jared inquires softly.

“I just noticed the way you were looking at her,” Jensen answers with a shrug. “I was just wondering if you were a couple, or if you like her or something.”

“I wish we were a couple, but no, we’re not,” Jared says with a deep sigh, looking disappointed. “I’ve known her since high school, and have liked her for a while now, but she has no idea. I’ve tried dropping hints, I flirt with her all the time, but nothing ever works. Either she’s completely oblivious and thinks I’m just being friendly, or she doesn’t like me that way.”

_She’d be crazy not to like you_ , Jensen silently says, but what he says aloud is, “Sorry to hear that, man, I didn’t mean to bring you down. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Don’t even worry about it. It’s cool. Sure, it sucks royally, but I’ve been dealing with it for quite a while now. She’ll either come around one day, or I’ll have to move on and get over her, ya know.”

Jensen nods silently, unsure of what else to do, and moves his gaze to stare out the windshield. _Well, I have my answer. I wonder if, once she gets her head out of her ass, she’ll wake up and realize she feels the same about him_ , he questions in his mind. Part of him hopes that she doesn’t like Jared that way, while the other part feels bad for thinking like that, and just wants to see Jared happy. He is a good guy and deserves to be with someone he can be happy with.

“So, what about you, are you seeing anyone? Got a boyfriend waiting for you back home?” Jared asks with a small smile.

“Nah, no boyfriend here. And it’s just as well, as I don’t plan on going back to Texas once I graduate from California State. I mean, sure, I’d love to be in a relationship, but I’d be happier with finding someone here. Having a boyfriend back home would just complicate things too much,” Jensen rambles, slightly, and Jared smiles and nods his head as though he understands, even though he couldn’t possibly, since he has no idea why a boyfriend back in Texas would complicate things for Jensen.

“Besides, what kind of college experience could you have if you were tied down, right?” Jared says with a teasing smirk that makes Jensen blush.

“That’s true, but I highly doubt I'll have the typical college experience that others are going to have. I’m just not that type of person, I guess.”

Jared nods his head in understanding. “I understand that, man. I mean, look at me. I’m pining over some girl I’ve known for years. I’m not exactly gonna have the typical college experience, either.”

“At least, I won’t be the only one.” Jensen smiles.

Their conversation is put on hold when they pull up to the drive thru window and Jared hands over the money. The guy then hands over their drinks, and Jared gives the mocha to Jensen. Taking a cautious sip at first, he then takes a larger gulp when he realizes it isn’t that hot. He thanks Jared for the drink as they pull back out onto the street, and Jared simply waves a hand dismissively.

Slouching down into a more comfortable position, Jensen rests his arm on the rolled down window and watches the stores that they pass by. He has only known Jared for half a day, and already Jensen can tell he is someone he wants in his life, in any shape or form. He really wants to get to know him better, on a more personal level. He wants to know what he was like growing up, how he liked living in San Antonio, and if he plans on going back once he is through with college. He wants to know his likes and dislikes, his hopes and his dreams, where he wants to take his life, and what courses he is taking here at California State. Hell, he even wouldn’t mind knowing what types of girls he likes.

Then there are the other things that make him feel weird for wanting to know, such as what puts a smile on his face, what brings him happiness, and what makes him sad. He wants Jared to share little pieces of himself that he would only tell a best friend, or someone special. He wants Jared to let him in, let him see that part of himself that he keeps hidden from everyone else. He feels a connection with Jared, and while he can’t explain it, he knows it is there all the same. He can’t help but wonder if Jared can feel it too, or if it is just one-sided.

_Should I be feeling this way? It almost seems insane that I would want to know him so badly. I’ve only just met him, and already I’m acting like a love sick teenager. It’s pathetic!_ Jensen scolds himself silently, slightly disgusted with his behavior. _All you want is friendship from him, Jensen, just be happy with being his friend!_

Forcing his thoughts away from Jared, he thinks about home and how things are within his family. It is disheartening just how easy it seemed for them to push him away, but he is grateful for still having Mackenzie’s love and support. In a way, with everything that has happened, it has made him closer with his sister. Their bond has strengthened, and he knows she will always be there for him, no matter what he does. He has always known that she was a kind hearted person, but he has grown to respect her more.

That’s what he is going to miss most about home, not being able to see his sister as often as he would like. He is determined to get her to visit him, though, here in California. That might not be too easy right now, considering how things are with his parents, but if he gives it time, maybe the situation won't be as tense as it is right now. They can’t keep him from seeing his sister, and he highly doubts they would try to keep them apart. They might not like his choice of lifestyle, and they might not even like him very much right now, but he knows they aren’t cruel.

**:0Ж0:**

September 4th, 1999

Jensen arrives back at his dorm room after his last class of the day, unlocks the door, and throws his things on his bed once he is inside. Jared isn’t back yet, and there is no telling when he will show up, so Jensen takes his cell out of its holder on his belt and dials home. He waits nervously for someone to answer, afraid of hearing one of his parents’ voices on the line. Around the third ring, the phone is finally answered.

“Hello, Ackles’ residence.” His mom’s cheerful voice rings clear in his ear and his breath catches in his throat. After a moment of silence on his end, she speaks again, irritation creeping into her tone, “ _Hello_?”

“Hey… hey, Mom, uh, is Mack around?” Jensen asks softly, worrying his bottom lip.

“Jensen…” her voice goes quiet, awkward. “I take it you arrived safely. How, um… how do you like college so far?”

“It’s… okay. I just had my first classes today, and everything went well. I like the courses, and the teachers are nice. I can learn a lot from them.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” she responds, seemingly unsure of what to say. There is a pause before she begins speaking again. “So, have you met any new friends? Do you get along with your roommate?”

Jensen is already tired of the pleasantries. He knows she really isn’t interested in how he is doing, or if he is making friends, so he isn’t going to force her have this conversation any longer than she has to. He doesn’t want to talk to her if she doesn’t want to talk to him anyway. He isn’t going to make a fool of himself, and he isn’t going to beg for her forgiveness when he doesn’t feel he has anything to be guilty for.

“Everything is going good for me, thanks for asking. Is Mack there?” he asks a little quickly, and instantly feels bad because he is sure she knows he is just trying to get her off the phone.

“Yeah, hold on one minute,” she says, and then there is silence as he waits for his sister.

Jensen lets out a sigh when he is sure his mom isn’t listening to him, and turns his eyes up to stare at the ceiling. It was harder on him hearing his mom’s voice than he thought it would be. As upset as he is at her for what she said to him that night, he still loves her and wishes things didn’t have to be this way. She is the only one who can make things right between them, though. He isn’t at fault, and he knows this. Until she can accept him for who he is, things are just going to stay the way they are.

He can’t help but wonder if his relationship with his family is destroyed though. Right now, he can’t help feeling as though it is damaged beyond repair. When it comes to fixing this problem, he doesn’t have high hopes. That may make him seem pessimistic, but that is how he feels. He may very well have lost his family, and as much as that pains him, he knows he is just going to have to deal with it. He isn’t going to change for anyone, even his family, and he doesn’t feel that he should have to. Parents are supposed to love their kids no matter what they do or who they love. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional. At least, that was what he was raised to believe.

Jensen smiles when he hears his sister’s voice over the line, finally relaxing and feeling comfortable again. “Hey sis, what are you up to?”

“Just watching a re-run of the Simpson's, nothing special. What about you?”

“Just got back from my last class of the day. Now, I’m just sitting in my room and thought I’d give you a call real quick,” he responds as he moves further up on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard.

“You remember all that money I’ve been saving up?” she asks suddenly; she is random like that.

“Yeah, you’ve been saving for months. Why?”

“Well, I just bought a cell phone today. This way, I can give you the number, and you can call it to talk to me instead of calling the house and having to talk to either mom or dad each time.”

“You used all your money, the money you were saving up, on a cell, just so it would be easier on me?” Jensen asks, and he is sure that she can tell his eyes are wide in shock just by the tone of his voice. “Mack, you didn’t have to do that! You should’ve just kept saving for whatever it was you wanted to buy.”

“It’s not like its torture on me, Jen. I’ve wanted a cell phone of my own anyway. Besides, you know I’d do anything for you, just like you do everything you can to help other people out, if it’s possible. Let someone do something nice for you for once, instead of the other way around.” The tone of her voice is one of exasperation, but Jensen can also detect a smile.

“Thanks, Mack, I really appreciate it. Now, give me that number,” he says with a smile and writes down the number on the palm of his hand when she reads it off for him.

Right at that moment, the door opens and Jared enters the room. He acknowledges Jensen with a smile and moves to his side of the room. Placing his stuff on his bed, he sits down at his desk and powers up his laptop. Jensen just watches him for a moment before tearing his attention back to his sister.

“So, anything new going on for you?” he asks, honestly interested.

“Nothing worth talking about,” his sister responds with a sigh. “Life is as boring as it always is for me. What about you? How are things going in California?”

“Everything is going good, so far. I like my classes, and the teachers are pretty cool. Though, there is one teacher, Mr. Bradford, he can be an ass. I’ve made a few friends, and I, thankfully, get along with my roommate.” Jensen winks when Jared looks over his shoulder at him. Jared gives him a winning smile before returning his attention to his laptop.

“Oh no, someone’s got a crush!” Mackenzie says teasingly.

“Excuse me?” Jensen asks in shock, eyebrows nearly disappearing into his hair line. “What would make you think that?”

“I know you, Jen, and I can hear it in your voice. You have a crush on your roommate. So, what’s his name? What’s he look like? Do you know if he’s gay or not?” she asks, a million questions at once.

“We are _not_ having this conversation right now,” Jensen whispers into the receiver, keeping his eyes on Jared.

“He’s in the room, huh? Okay, I’ll back off for now, but I’m gonna get all the details later, so don’t think you’re getting out of it!”

“Fine,” he concedes with a roll of his eyes. He knows she means it; she is too stubborn to just let this go. “Let’s move onto another topic now. So… uh, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Going to the mall with Jenna after school,” she says with a smirk, he can hear it in her voice. “She says hi, by the way.”

Jensen lets out an audible groan of frustration that makes his sister laugh and catches Jared’s attention, who is now looking at him inquisitively. Jensen just shakes his head dismissively and, after a moment of hesitation, Jared shrugs his shoulders and turns away.

“That girl still hasn’t gotten over that silly little crush?” he asks, pouting a little, though he would never admit it.

“I think she’s gonna harbor it till the day she dies,” Mackenzie replies with laughter, knowing how much her friend gets on his nerves.

“God, I hope not,” Jensen replies dramatically. “She’s a sweet girl, but…”

“...she's a _girl_.” She finishes his sentence teasingly, unable to help herself.

Jensen laughs softly and nods his head, though he knows she can’t see him. “That’s not the only reason I wouldn’t be interested in her, she’s too young for me.”

“Yeah, but the _main_ reason is because she’s a…” Mackenzie starts teasing him once again but he interrupts.

“Finish that sentence and I’ll hang up,” he warns.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop.” She laughs joyfully. “You’re gonna have to hang up anyway, though, ‘cause I’m gonna go eat dinner.”

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

“You want me to tell mom and dad that you said hi?” she asks softly, and Jensen sighs.

“I highly doubt they’d want to hear from me anyway, so, no, don’t tell them I said anything,” Jensen replies quietly, defeated, and can feel Jared’s intense gaze on him.

“I know you may not believe it, but they do love you, Jensen, and they miss you. They just aren’t handling this very well.”

“That’s an understatement,” Jensen mutters under his breath. “You go have dinner and I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Mackenzie gives up with a sigh, and then Jensen hangs up the phone. He can still feel Jared’s stare on him, but he doesn’t lift his eyes. He just programs his sister’s cell number into his phone, and then tosses it to the side, closing his eyes tiredly. He can hear Jared moving around, but he doesn’t open his eyes to see what he is doing.

“Jen… I know you don’t know me very well, but if you ever want to talk, I’d be more than willing to listen,” Jared says sincerely, and this makes Jensen open his eyes.

“I appreciate that, thanks.”

Jared’s silent for a moment, a look of concentration on his face. “What kind of problems are you having with your folks?”

“You don’t want to hear that story, trust me,” Jensen responds with a forced laugh.

“Yeah, I do,” Jared says sincerely, once again. “Will you talk to me about it?”

Jensen just stares at him hesitantly for a long moment, unsure if he wants to talk about this with him. He doesn’t particularly want to think, much less talk, about what happened to screw up his relationship with his family. But, then again, maybe if he tells Jared now, it will be out of the way and he won’t have to talk about it later. Sounds like the better option in the long run.

Jensen slowly nods his head, indicating he is willing to talk, and Jared just waits patiently. “A week before I came here, I told my family the truth about my sexuality,” Jensen says, flinching at the memory. “For a long time, I had kept it hidden, but I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted them to know the real me, not the one they believed me to be.”

Jared nods his head to show he is listening, but doesn’t say anything, giving Jensen time to get it all out. “They didn’t take it too well, obviously. My mom was really upset, told me how disappointed she was in me. My dad… he looked at me with such disgust in his eyes, I… I never thought he’d look at me in such a way, ya know.” Jensen blinks away the tears filling his eyes. “Josh, my brother, I don’t even know how he feels about it. He wouldn’t talk to me. I haven’t talked to him since _that_ night. The only one who has stuck by me, and has accepted me for who I am, is my sister, Mackenzie.”

After taking a deep breath, Jensen attempts a smile, but judging by the sympathetic expression staring back at him, he knows he hasn’t fooled Jared. “Needless to say, I’m pretty positive I’ve lost my family. Which, yeah, it sucks, but I wouldn’t want them around if they didn’t accept me for who I am.”

For a few long moments, Jared doesn’t say anything, just looks at Jensen with a torn expression on his face. “Shit, Jensen, I’m so sorry,” he says finally, running a hand through his hair. “People can be narrow-minded, especially when it comes to things they don’t understand. I’m sorry you have to deal with that from your parents. It must be hard.”

“Yeah,” Jensen replies softly with a far away look in his eyes. “It hurts when your own parents change their opinion of you because they learn about something they don’t agree with.”

“They could come around eventually, though, you never know,” Jared says, trying to provide Jensen with a little hope.

Jensen smiles gratefully, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I would really like to believe that, but… it just doesn’t seem likely at this point. Besides, the last thing I need is false hope. I don’t wanna be let down when things don’t change for the better.”

Jared nods sympathetically. “At least you still have your sister though, that’s something to hold on to.”

“Yeah, she’s definitely someone who will always be there for me; she’s proven that much to me,” Jensen says quietly before averting his eyes, suddenly feeling very awkward. “Look, lets change the subject, ‘cause I’m getting depressed now and that’s not cool.”

A soft laugh escapes Jared’s lips and it makes Jensen feel a little bit better. “Hey, I’m going out with the guys to get some dinner, you wanna tag along?”

Jensen ponders over this invitation for a moment, wondering if he is up to going out and pretending that he is in a cheerful mood. Sitting around in the dorm, feeling sorry for himself, doesn’t sound all that appealing, but he isn’t sure if putting on a façade sounds all that much better. In his current state, he probably won’t be great company anyway. _Best not to tag along, you’ll just end up bringing everyone down._ He doesn’t know them well enough yet, and he doesn’t want to ruin any chances he may have at befriending them.

Finally, Jensen shakes his head in polite refusal and tells Jared he is kind of tired, figuring that is a good enough excuse. Jared nods his head in understanding, obviously knowing the real reason why he doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t push him though, and Jensen is grateful for it.

“If you change your mind, though, we’ll be at Sizzler. You’re more than welcome to join us,” Jared says as he stands up and begins getting ready to head out.

Jensen smiles gratefully but doesn’t respond verbally. He simply watches silently as Jared gets ready for dinner. Idly, he wonders if Alexis is going to be there. He refrains himself from asking Jared though, fearing Jared will see right through him. He has asked enough about her as it is. He is afraid that if he continues showing his curiosity, Jared will get suspicious and start putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

Grabbing his wallet from the desk, Jared puts on his hoodie and then turns to Jensen. He smiles, tells him once again that the invitation still stands, and then walks out the door. Jensen lets out a deep sigh once he is alone and allows himself to fall down onto his bed.

_Don’t get in too deep, Jensen. Falling for Jared wouldn’t be the wisest of things to do_ , he reminds himself forcefully, berating himself for his stupidity. Just thinking about Jared makes him think about his first boyfriend, a guy named Brian.

He had really loved Brian, and had fallen hard for the blue-eyed cutie. He had met him during his sophomore year, and they had hit it off instantly. It had felt like they had known each other all their lives. Jensen had never been in love before, but he was sure that what he felt for Brian had to be love. They had spent all their time together, acting as though they were nothing more than friends in public, but in private, what they shared was far more intimate than anyone could imagine.

Only Jensen’s closest friends knew the true nature of their relationship. Growing up in Texas made them cautious, and Brian hadn’t been ready to come out of the closet. That was fine with Jensen though, and he was content with their situation. Hiding away was well worth it, so long as he could be with Brian.

During summer break, they had been inseparable, and that was when together, they lost their virginity. Most days they would take off to the river nearby to get away from watchful eyes where they could be themselves, and not have to hide their love for one another. Those were some of the best days of Jensen’s life; he can’t remember a time when he was happier.

Then came junior year, and Jensen’s life went downhill. Something had changed in Brian, and he couldn’t even seem to look Jensen in the eyes anymore. Not even a month after school began, Brian broke up with him, saying that he wasn’t gay and that he was just experimenting with Jensen; that what they had was a mistake that he wanted to pretend never happened. Jensen had been so confused and heartbroken, yet there was nothing he could do but accept it and move on.

Jensen has been a little more careful and protective of his heart since then, and that is why he is a little afraid to feel so strongly for Jared. Sure, he seems like a sweetheart, but so had Brian in the beginning. It doesn’t hurt to be a little cautious. Plus, there is still the obstacle of Jared having declared that he is absolutely, positively straight.

Rising from his bed, Jensen grabs his journal from his desk and then lays back down, resting on his stomach. He has yet to write an entry and figures now would be a good time to do so, since Jared isn’t here, and he has a little privacy.

_September 4th, 1999_

_I can’t believe I’m actually here, in California. It seems almost surreal. For a while there, it seemed like a pipe dream that I wouldn’t really make a reality. I have wanted this for so long, and part of me was afraid I’d never make it here, to this point in my life. Yet, here I am; this is really happening._

_This may make me sound like a gigantic dork, but I was so excited to start my classes today. It really looks promising, though. This is a subject I am interested in, something that is important to me, and I am just so glad to have been given this opportunity. I have always wanted to help people; being gay and all, I know what it is like to be judged and discriminated against. Maybe, with the necessary schooling, I will be able to take my passion and actually make a difference. That is what really matters most to me._

_I met my roommate as well. His name is Jared. I don’t even know where to begin, to explain what it is I feel when it comes to him. He is a really nice person, with a big heart. I feel this strange connection with him that I have never felt before with another person. In a lot of ways, it scares me; I am not quite sure what is going on with me. We get along really well though, and I am so very comfortable with him. I can already tell that we’re gonna become the best of friends. Just writing that down makes me smile._

_The problem is, I believe I may have developed a crush on one Jared Padalecki. It isn’t that I wanted to feel this way, it just sort of happened. It isn’t just his looks (though I must admit he's definitely a looker), I am mostly drawn to his friendly personality. He is the kindest person I have ever met, I can tell that he has a caring heart and would do anything he could for someone he loves and cares about. How could anyone help but adore him?_

_The biggest problem, however, is he’s a hundred percent straight. He is completely infatuated with this Alexis chick. How is it that I am always drawn to straight guys? Do I do it unconsciously, do I have that bad of luck, or do I do it because it’s safe?_


	4. These Tangled Emotions

 

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Three:**  
 _These Tangled Emotions_  
-~*~-

October 5th, 1999

Jensen serves a girl with a bubbly personality, trying his best to smile politely, and when he hands her the change, he lets out a sigh of relief. Usually, he is friendly with everyone, and doesn’t have a hard time getting along with anybody, but this girl was seriously grating on his nerves. Every smack of her gum had him wanting to tear his hair out.

He has been working part time here, at Paradise Café, which is a block away from California State, for about two weeks now. Within the first week at college, he realized that he would need to get a job if he wanted to have any spending money. He would be in need of school supplies eventually, not to mention he also has to eat. He truly enjoys working at the café, but once in a while, they get a customer that even _he_ can’t deal with.

Turning away from the cash register, a smile grows on his face as he watches Danneel enter the building. She greets him with a soft hello as she takes her place behind the counter. She is a shy girl, but very nice once you get to know her. It takes a while to get her to open up though. For the first few days that he was working at the café, she’d hardly said a word to him.

Looking at her, you wouldn’t think that she would be the shy type, because she wears pants with chains hanging off them, and shirts that always have evil looking designs and sarcastic catch phrases. She wears the darkest make-up she can find, has tattoos on various places on her body, piercings that go from her lobe all the way up the shell of her ears, and long ruby red hair that she normally keeps loose and flowing down her back. You would think she was some badass who always started fights and would kick a guy’s ass just for looking at her funny. But, appearance aside, she is a sweetheart. Jensen doesn’t hang out with her much, but likes her all the same.

“I would rather be anywhere than here, right now,” she says with a sigh as she looks at the sandwich ingredients in front of her with barely concealed disgust. “I had a late night last night, am tired as hell, and had to force myself to come in today.”

“Well, I’m glad you came in, otherwise you’d have left me on my own with Evan,” Jensen replies with a low groan as they both glance over to the man in question.

“Yeah, working with Evan is torture enough, but working with him _alone_ is worse,” she agrees with a laugh, and they both grow quiet as Evan walks past them, muttering under his breath as he stalks off out back to take his break. “I swear, the guy permanently has a stick up his ass.”

“That’s true, but he seems to like you at least. The guy has some personal issues with me, and I can’t even figure out what it is I did to him. He resents me for no reason, and it’s really starting to get to me.”

“I wouldn’t take it too personally; he’s like that with everyone. The only reason he’s halfway decent to me is ‘cause he’s harboring an unfulfilled crush,” she says with a smirk. “He knows he has no chance with me, but that doesn’t stop him from trying. It makes working with him slightly bearable though. Too bad he doesn’t bat for the same team, maybe then he’d be a little nicer to you.”

“I think I’d rather deal with his attitude, thanks.” Jensen laughs with a shake of his head.

“Speaking of crushes, how are things with Jared going?” she asks, nudging him lightly in the ribs.

“He’s still as straight as ever,” Jensen replies with a tired sigh. “I seriously need to accept this and move on. He’s _in love_ with Alexis and that isn’t going to change any time soon.”

“I dunno, anything can happen, Jen. From what you’ve told me, sounds to me like this Alexis chick doesn’t feel the same way. He’ll come to realize this one day, and then eventually he’ll move on.”

“Yeah, he’ll move on to someone else, some other girl who won’t appreciate him for the great guy that he is,” Jensen mutters miserably, and Danneel gives him a sympathetic smile.

When the bell above the entrance door rings, signaling a customer has entered, Jensen looks up and instantly a smile grows on his face. Jared smiles back in return as he approaches the counter, giving Danneel a flirtatious smile that he doesn’t completely mean. He can only truly see Alexis after all, but that doesn’t stop him from flirting with other girls, just to see them blush and smile. Danneel isn’t like other girls though. She simply tells him, with a smirk, to get over himself, and then walks away.

Jared shakes his head in amusement as he watches her. Jensen knows he only flirts with her to see what kind of reaction he will get each time. It is almost like a game between them; one that they both enjoy. Jensen enjoys watching it play out each time as well. It can get rather funny.

“She loves me; she just doesn’t know it yet,” Jared says with a laugh, smiling happily at Jensen.

“Keep telling yourself that, Jay,” Jensen replies with a chuckle as he walks up to his friend. “So, anything you want?”

“I’m thinking a turkey sandwich with all the trimmings,” Jared responds while rubbing his belly. “I skipped breakfast this morning, didn’t have the time, and now I’m extra hungry, so make sure it’s loaded.”

“Will do.” Jensen shakes his head in amusement as he gets to work on Jared’s lunch.

He makes sure to put extra of everything. Which, okay, he isn’t supposed to do, but this is Jared, and Jensen will just pay the difference if he has to. If there is any way that he can make Jared happy, even with the simplest and slightest of gestures, then he will do it.

_Yeah, Jensen, you’re not pathetic at all_ , he silently mocks himself as he finishes making the sandwich. Jared always orders the same thing when he comes in, and Jensen isn’t sure why he asks him what he wants anymore. Jared will pretty much eat almost anything, but says he likes the turkey sandwiches at the Paradise Café. Or, at least, he likes them when Jensen makes them. This, of course, makes Jensen feel special, yet a little foolish at the same time.

Jensen hands Jared his lunch after he pays for it, and then gets him a large soda. Jared leans against the counter, out of the way of any customers that may show up, and visits with Jensen as he consumes his food. He reminds Jensen of a garbage disposal, eating just about everything, and engulfing it to the point that Jensen has to wonder if he even stops to taste it.

“Tonight, we’re all heading over to that club I was telling you about, Gotham. You wanna come too?” Jared asks with his mouth full.

“I dunno, not sure if I really feel up to it.”

“Come on, it wouldn’t be the same without you there. Besides, when was the last time you went out with us?” Jared tries to persuade him, using those wounded puppy eyes for all they’re worth. “It’s been a week! And I’m telling ya, if you keep that up, you’re gonna turn into a hermit, which I don’t even have to tell you how bad that would be.”

Jensen just laughs at how dramatic Jared is being, and then finally agrees. “I’m not staying out too late, though.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re coming,” Jared responds with a satisfied smile.

 

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen tries to ignore Chris’ intense gaze as he searches his closet for something to wear. He doesn’t know how Chris figured out his crush on Jared, but he did, and now he never hears the end of it. Chris thinks he should tell Jared how he really feels, saying he might not get the reaction he is expecting, but Jensen won’t listen to him. Losing Jared’s friendship is just something he can’t risk. It may eat him up inside to have these feelings in silence, but it is better than the alternative.

He can just imagine how well that conversation would go over. He would pour his heart out, Jared would be shocked, then he would be freaked out, and then Jensen would lose his best friend. It just wouldn’t be worth it. Sure, it hurts to care so much when he can’t even tell Jared, but it would kill him to not have him at least as his friend.

Chris says Jared isn’t the type of person to walk away from a friend, just because deeper feelings might be involved, and maybe that is true, but Jensen isn’t going to take the risk to find out. He appreciates what Chris is trying to do, he knows he is only trying to help, but what he wants him to do just isn’t an option.

Thankfully, Chris has kept all of this to himself. Jensen knows he is trustworthy, and isn’t the type to spread other people’s business. Sure, he shares everything with Steve, (they are dating, after all) but he wouldn’t share something as private as this, even with him. If there is anyone you can talk to and trust to keep a secret, it's Chris.

“Damn, Jen, just pick something already,” Chris says with a groan of irritation.

“I would but nothing looks good enough.” Jensen throws his arms up in defeat and sinks down onto the chair by his desk. “I’m tellin’ ya, it’s hopeless.”

Chris lets out a derisive snort as he stands up and stalks over to Jensen’s closet, rooting through it impassively. After a moment, he pulls out a few articles of clothing and throws them down onto Jensen’s lap with a grunt. Jensen looks at the dark blue jeans and burgundy button down critically for a moment before nodding his approval.

_Figures he’d find something I don’t completely hate_ , he thinks in bemusement as he walks into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him with a resounding click.

About twenty minutes later, he emerges from the bathroom, freshly changed, and with his hair gelled up into small spikes. He has decided to trade his glasses for a pair of contacts, wanting to look his best. He isn’t sure if he has achieved his goal but, judging by Chris’ expression, he thinks he just might have.

Chris lets out a whistle of appreciation and sizes Jensen up. “Looking fine, Jenny boy,” he says with a grin. “You definitely clean up nicely.”

“Don’t call me that…” Jensen groans with narrowed eyes, then looks down at himself self-consciously. “You really think so?”

“Hell, yeah. If I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I’d be all over you.” Chris leers with a predatory look on his face, though it is more playful than serious.

“Shut up. Steve would hit you upside the head for saying that,” Jensen says with a roll of his eyes.

“Actually, I think he’d be fighting me over you,” Chris says with a laugh, and Jensen just rolls his eyes once again, though his lips are threatening to turn up into a smile.

Jensen suggests they get going, so they can meet up with their friends at the club, and Chris gives an exaggerated “Finally” in return. Jensen punches him on the shoulder, making his friend laugh at the weak attempt, and then they are leaving campus. Walking side by side, they head over to Chris’ Ford Ranger and Jensen climbs in on the passenger side.

Fixing his signature cowboy hat more securely on his head, Chris gets behind the wheel and soon they are pulling out onto the highway. Fiddling with the dials on the stereo, he stops when he finds his favorite country station and begins singing along with the song that is currently playing. Once again, thinking that Chris has a nice voice, Jensen smiles as he listens to his friend rather than the actual singer.

Turning his head to stare out his window, he feels Chris’ eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn to acknowledge him. He is thinking about Jared. But, then again, what else is new these days. He is wondering how this night is going to play out. Is he actually going to spend some time with him, or will he be pre-occupied the moment Alexis arrives. He is pretty sure it is the latter, and that depresses him. He should be used to it after a month, but the truth is that he isn’t sure he ever will be.

“You’re thinking about Jared again, aren’t you?” Chris says with a sigh, and Jensen can feel the sympathetic look on his friend’s face directed at him.

“I can’t help it. I just wish he would notice me like I notice him,” Jensen says sadly, still looking out the window. “I know it’s stupid, but it’s how I feel. Why does he have to be straight?” he asks miserably.

“If he can’t see how great you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Don’t be that way,” Jensen says in Jared’s defense, “it’s not his fault.”

“I can’t help it Jen, I hate what this is doing to you, and Jared’s so oblivious, I just want to shake him sometimes. Even though I’ve only know ya a month, I consider you to be more like my brother than my friend, and I hate seeing you hurt,” Chris responds sincerely and Jensen can’t help the smile that lights up his face.

“Yeah, I see you the same way. And I appreciate the fact that you care, but, really, it’s not Jared’s fault. He can’t help that he’s in love with someone who doesn’t appreciate him, and he can’t help the fact that he isn’t gay. On some level, I’ve accepted this, it’s just kinda hard to let go, ya know.”

“Yeah, I know that, but still, I can’t help feeling protective of ya,” Chris says softly, suddenly looking awkward because of the emotional topic, and then he’s smirking. “Can’t help the fact that you’re so fragile looking, so petite and in need of protecting.”

Jensen laughs as he shoots a glare at his friend. “Shut up, asshole.”

Chris suddenly becomes serious, and Jensen finds himself fidgeting in his seat. “I’m serious though, Jen. You’re too trusting and too damn kind hearted. You need to be careful. People will take advantage of that, and I’d hate to see you get hurt.”

“I appreciate the concern, Chris, but I’m not naïve… I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not saying you’re naïve, Jen, just… be careful man, promise me that.” Chris actually looks really concerned and worried, and Jensen doesn’t have the heart to continue arguing with him over this.

“Alright, man, I’ll be careful,” Jensen replies sincerely, hoping to reassure his friend. “Besides, I know you’ll look out for me. I’m sure you won’t let me get in any bad situations.”

Chris nods his head with a smile, and then all falls silent between the two friends. It is a comfortable silence though, and Jensen finds himself relaxing in Chris’ company. He is no longer depressed, so that is a good thing. Chris finds ways of cheering him up, even if by doing so unconsciously, or purposefully.

Before long, they pull into the parking lot of Gotham and go in search of any sign of their friends. They find them standing outside, in front of the building, and head over to them. Chris wraps an arm around his boyfriend, and Jensen watches as Steve smiles lovingly at Chris. Jensen can’t help but smile as he watches them, thinking they are the perfect couple. He wants what they have. He wants it with Jared.

_Might as well give up on that, it’s never going to happen_ , Jensen reminds himself and looks down at the cement beneath his feet, grimacing when he realizes he was an inch away from stepping in gum.

A hand on his shoulder gets his attention and he looks up into Jared’s bright, hazel eyes. He almost blushes under the intense stare, but manages to refrain just in time. Surprisingly, Jared takes a step back, usually having no concept of personal space, and looks at Jensen with a growing smile.

“You look really good, Jen, you should go without your glasses more often. They hide your green eyes; I never noticed how bright they were before.”

Jensen can’t stop himself from blushing beet red when he hears this, biting his bottom lip to keep from smiling like a fool. “I don’t wear my contacts all that much, but maybe I’ll wear them more often. In a lot of ways they’re better than my glasses.”

“You’re dressed to kill, man. Are you looking to get someone’s attention tonight?” Jared asks, wagging his eyebrows playfully.

_It’s not going to do me a bit of good, but yeah, I am_ , Jensen says in his mind. “You never know,” is what he mutters.

Jared looks like he is going to respond, but their attention is drawn to Chad when he says, “we’re going inside now, so get your asses in gear,” and then promptly walks away from them. Shaking his head at their friend’s rudeness, Jared heads towards the direction Chad went off in and Jensen follows closely behind.

Showing his I.D. to the bouncer, Jensen walks into the club and some loud pop song instantly meets his hearing. Ignoring the annoying music, he follows his friends to a table overlooking the dance floor, and sits in between Jared and Chris. Tom leaves them there to grab a round of drinks, and a comfortable conversation falls over the table; with the exception of Chad’s rude comments, of course.

Jensen isn’t really participating in the conversation, just kind of watching as it plays out in front of him. He is content with just watching and listening to them though. He isn’t one of those types of people that think they should be a part of every conversation. He has always been a people watcher, so he is quite happy to just sit back and let his friends’ voices wash over him.

Jensen honestly can’t help himself when his eyes turn in Jared’s direction. That’s what he tells himself, at least. Jensen notices that when he talks, there are times where Jared shifts his eyes and looks in deep thought while he is trying to get his point across. Jensen watches as he laughs at one of their friends’ stupid jokes, and his eyes just begin to sparkle, showing how truly happy he is. Jensen couldn’t look away even if he wanted to.

You know how those cheesy romance movies always have a scene where the main character is looking at the other one, then the sound drowns out, and the camera shows the other character laughing, but you can’t hear them? And it’s like the main character’s breath is taken away, and all he/she can concentrate on is that person? Well, Jensen is having one of those moments. The only person he can see and hear is Jared. It is like Jensen drowned out everything else without realizing it. He can’t help it though... he just keeps realizing more and more how amazing Jared truly is.

When Tom returns with their drinks, Mike’s girlfriend, Kristen, pushes Jensen’s drink toward him. He just gives her a grateful smile in response and then she returns to her conversation with Alison, Tom’s girlfriend. He hasn’t known the girls for too long, but they seem nice. He met Ali the day after he was introduced to Tom. They have been a couple, for going on two years, and Jensen can tell that she is truly in love with him. She applied to California State just so she could be with him.

Mike, on the other hand, has only been dating Kristen for about two weeks. They met through one of their classes and, apparently, hit it off right away. No one is sure how long they are going to last, simply because they are complete opposites, but it is nice to see them both happy for the moment.

Taking a sip of his Coke, Jensen turns to his left, only to see Jared watching him intently. He raises an eyebrow curiously, making Jared smile widely, and asks if he is having fun. Jensen pretends to consider this for a moment, before nodding his head in exaggerated reluctance. Jared just smiles wider and nods his head.

“I told ya you’d have a good time,” Jared states with a smirk full of mirth and smugness.

“Oh yeah, you called it, Jare.” Jensen rolls his eyes playfully, while trying to keep a smile off his face.

“We’re going to do this more often, instead of sitting in the dorm like a couple of bums,” Jared states with finality.

“That would be nice,” Jensen says softly. _Except, I enjoy staying in, ‘cause that gives me more time alone with you._

Suddenly, a huge grin climbs on Jared’s face and Jensen follows the direction of his gaze to see what is making him so happy. He smiles when he sees Sophia heading their way, but the smile quickly disappears when he sees Alexis following closely behind. _Of course,_ she’s _the only one who can make him smile like that_ , Jensen thinks miserably, hoping his thoughts aren’t clear on his face.

Sophia takes her place next to Chad, while Alexis takes the last available seat, which just so happens to be across from Jared. Jensen is beginning to think he has the worst luck ever, or some higher power wants revenge on him, for whatever reason. He has to literally stop the groan from leaving his lips when he sees Jared smile happily and engages Alexis in a conversation.

For as much as Jensen hates the fact that Jared likes her, he almost wants to bitch slap her when she actually has the nerve to look bored with their conversation. He can’t believe someone can be so clueless; she doesn’t even see what is right in front of her face. She can’t see just how great Jared is. She doesn’t see how big his heart is, the way his eyes shine when he is happy, how one look at her makes his day seem just a little bit better, or the way his face lights up when he laughs. She doesn’t realize how truly lucky she is, because Jensen would give anything to have Jared look at him that way.

It hurts, because Jared doesn’t notice him either. He looks at Jared this way, only Jared is completely oblivious. He can’t see how much Jensen really cares about him, and how he would do everything in his power to make sure he is happy. He would do whatever it takes just to bring a smile to his face. He would give anything to have Jared look at him the way he is looking at Alexis, even just one time. But Jared doesn’t see him, not really; he only has eyes for her.

“Hey, Alexis, do you, maybe, wanna dance?” Jared asks looking hopeful.

“I, um… I’m not really feeling up to it right now, but maybe later,” she responds with a soft smile before turning to engage herself in the conversation between Kristen and Ali.

Jared looks so disappointed, though he tries to cover it up with a smile, and Jensen finds himself glaring at Alexis. He can’t understand why she has to be so uncaring, even if unconsciously. Would it have killed her to give in this one time, give this to Jared, and dance with him? Sure, the last thing Jared needs is false hope, but he just looks so crushed. Jensen would give anything to take that look off his face, even if that meant having to watch Jared dance with _her_.

Jared smiles at Jensen when he sees him looking, and ducks his head to escape those sympathetic eyes. All Jensen wants to do is reach out and give him a comforting hug, or maybe offer to dance with him. He highly doubts Jared wants to dance with _him_ though, so he keeps his mouth shut. He knows Jared is a pretty physical person, but he isn’t exactly sure how Jared will take it if he hugs him either, considering he is trying his damnedest to put up a brave face.

 

**:0Ж0:**

Returning from the bathroom, Jensen returns to the table only to see that Jared is gone. Taking a seat at the table, he sees that Kristen, Ali, Tom, Mike, and Alexis are missing as well. Turning to his friends that remain at the table, he opens his mouth to ask where the others have gone, but Sophia starts talking before he can get a word out.

“Come on Chad, let’s go dance,” she says as she stands up and tugs on the sleeve of his arm.

Chad pulls his arm out of her grasp and determinedly shakes his head in refusal. “Nuh uh, I don’t dance.”

Sophia scowls at him unhappily before turning to Jensen and grinning widely. “What about you, Jensen? You'll dance with me, right? I know you won’t let me down.”

“I’m not really into dancing. I look extremely goofy when I try, so I just don’t anymore,” Jensen refuses politely, blushing shyly.

Sophia looks a little put off for a moment, before her face brightens and she glances around the room, making everyone at the table wonder what she is up to now. “I guess I’ll just have to ask the guys around the room, I’m sure one of _them_ won’t mind dancing with a pretty girl.”

Chad stands up when he hears this and grabs her arm as she begins to walk away. “No way, Soph. If you’re gonna dance with anyone, it’s gonna be with a gay guy or me.”

“But you don’t wanna dance with me. Neither do the gay guys at this table, so I might as well go find someone who _will_ ,” she retorts masterfully, letting Chad fall into her trap.

“You wanna dance, fine then, we’ll dance,” Chad growls as he starts dragging her toward the dance floor.

She looks back at Jensen and smiles wickedly, winking. Jensen chuckles under his breath and shakes his head; she totally has that guy wrapped around her finger and he doesn’t even see it. It is quite amusing when you think about it, especially since he would deny it like hell if someone pointed it out.

With his eyes, he follows Sophia and Chad out onto the dance floor and immediately he spots Jared. It is kind of hard to miss - someone that tall. He can’t help but frown when he sees that Jared is dancing with Alexis. He knows he should feel happy for Jared, after all, he finally got what he wanted, but all he feels is bitter jealousy.

Sure, he wasn’t lying to Sophia when he said he looks goofy when he dances, and he isn’t particularly fond of dancing, but he would dance with Jared if he had asked him to. But watching him dance with Alexis, that is no picnic, especially since she is grinding up against him like some two-bit whore. Okay, that might be a bit harsh; that is just the jealousy talking.

What is bothering him the most is the look of pure bliss on Jared’s face, not to mention the smile that goes from one ear to the other. _I bet she doesn’t even notice_ , Jensen thinks bitterly.

“Alexis finally decided she wanted to dance, and when she realized no one would dance with her, she broke down and asked Jared,” Steve says when he notices Jensen watching them. “He jumped at the chance, of course.”

“Well, I’m glad. That’s all he really wanted,” Jensen replies, not really feeling happy for Jared at all and that just makes him feel guilty. _I can’t be a very good friend if he’s finally happy and I’m not happy for him._

Chris looks at him sympathetically, and he has to look away, choosing instead to stare out onto the dance floor at Jared, which might not be the best option, but he finds himself doing it nonetheless. It is better than looking at Chris and letting him see all that is within, letting him know just how much this is killing him.

For the next ten minutes or so, Jensen simply watches Jared, watches him and Alexis dance song after song. He is beginning to wonder why he is even here in the first place. Jared had practically begged him to come because it _wouldn’t be the same without him_ , only now that he is here, he’s spending his time with Chris and Steve, while Jared is on the dance floor with Alexis. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with Chris and Steve; it is just that Jared made such a big deal about him tagging along, and he ditched him to be with her.

He realizes, on some level, that he is being unreasonable and selfish, but he can’t help it. He hadn’t even wanted to come, because some part of him knew this was going to happen, and he had wanted to spare himself the emotional pain. But he finds it hard to say no to Jared, feels it is practically impossible.

When Jared pulls Alexis closer and wraps his arms around her petite frame, Jensen decides he has had enough of torturing himself, and going back to the dorm sounds really appealing. When he stands up, Chris seems to understand what is going through his mind and he offers to give him a ride back to the dorms. Jensen declines softly, saying a walk could do him good. Chris nearly throws a fit when he hears this, saying that he would be an easy target if he were to walk back alone.

“Fine then, I’ll just flag down a taxi. You stay here and have fun, I don’t need a babysitter,” Jensen replies firmly before leaving the table and heading toward the exit, not once glancing back at Jared.

Once he is outside, he can breathe a little easier, and he finds a heavy sigh escaping him. Standing by the curb, he watches the passing cars in search of a taxi. A moment later, Chris steps up beside him, not saying a word, and not looking at him. Jensen knows better though, Chris has something on his mind, and, any minute now, he is going to put it into words.

Chris still isn’t looking at him when he says, “You need to get over him, Jen.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jensen sighs in defeat and turns his sad eyes to his friend. “It’s not exactly easy. There isn’t an on/off switch I can just flip. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I know, man, but you’re killing yourself. Every time you see him with her, you die a little more, and I can’t just stand back and watch it. I care about you, Jen. I don’t like seeing you hurt so much because of him. Maybe you should try dating, give other guys a shot,” Chris suggests lightly.

“I don’t want to date other guys, Chris. I’m just not ready for that. I need to get over Jared before I can even try liking someone else.”

“Yeah, but getting out and dating might help take your mind off him,” he points out, and Jensen is tired of this conversation already.

“I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but that isn’t going to happen,” Jensen replies firmly, and then flags down a passing taxi. He smiles a bit sadly at Chris before getting in the car and telling the driver where to take him. When the driver pulls away from the curb, Jensen doesn’t look behind him to see if Chris is still standing there.

 

**:0Ж0:**

_October 5th, 1999_

_Just got back from the club, and, of course, I came back alone. When I left the club, Jared was still on the dance floor with Alexis. I know that shouldn’t bug me so much, but it does. She practically ignores him, obviously doesn’t like him the way he likes her, didn’t even want to dance with him in the first place, yet, when no one else would dance with her, she decided he was her last resort. She can’t be that oblivious. She has to see that he is practically in love with her. So why the hell does she have to lead him on like that? It is just cruel!_

_Why would Jared put himself through that? I just don’t understand it, and it frustrates me to no end! He deserves better than that. He has to see how she treats him; he has to know she doesn’t think of him as boyfriend material. She makes it rather obvious. Yet, he still holds on and doesn’t give up on her._

_I guess I really have no room to talk, I’m doing the same thing when it comes to him. I really should just admit defeat, let him go, and move on… I can’t do that though. It’s not that I don’t want to, no one in their right mind would want to put themselves through this kind of pain, but I just can’t seem to throw in the towel. My mind is telling me to give up on him, while my heart is holding on with a death grip… it’s tearing me apart._

_Some part of me realizes that he is never going to see me the way I see him, he’s never going to see me as anything more than a friend. And that hurts, but it’s the truth. He doesn’t see the way I look at him, doesn’t know that in such a short time he worked his way into my heart, even though I’ve kept it guarded for such a long time. He’ll never see that I could love him the way that he wants her to. I see so much in him that she never will, but I know that wouldn’t matter to him. I’m not the one that he wants, and I know I never will be._

_I keep reminding myself over and over again that he is straight, that there isn’t a gay bone in his body, but my heart keeps disregarding this information. It obviously doesn’t care; it’s going to hold on until these feelings and the pain will eventually break me. This isn’t comforting knowledge, of course, but I don’t know how to make my heart stop caring so much for him._

_In the beginning, it started out as a crush; a deep one, but a crush all the same. Now, a month later, I can tell that if I keep walking down this path, it will very well turn into the real deal: love… and I don’t know how to stop that from happening. I’m in way over my head…_

 

_She can’t see the way your eyes_   
_Will light up when you smile_   
_She’ll never notice how you stop and stare_   
_Whenever she walks by_   
_And you can’t see me wanting you the way you want her_   
_But you are everything to me_

_And I just wanna show you_   
_She don’t even know you_   
_She’s never gonna love you like I want to_   
_And you just see right through me_   
_But if you only knew me_   
_We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable_   
_Instead of just invisible_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Invisible - by Taylor Swift


	5. Forcing Separation

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Four:**  
 _Forcing Separation_  
-~*~-

Jensen is sitting on his bed, headphones covering his ears, and listening to Ozzy Osbourne when Jared enters the room. Jensen had gotten back from the club two hours ago and Jared has just now gotten back. Idly, he wonders what he could have been doing all this time, but decides he doesn’t really want to know. Whatever it was that kept him out so late, even if that something was Alexis, he hopes he had fun.

Jared smiles a bit goofily and flops down onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his grin still firmly in place. Jensen shakes his head in amusement as he takes off his headphones and sets them aside. Turning to his friend, he just watches him for a moment, committing his every feature to memory.

“I take from the smile on your face that you had a really good time,” Jensen states as he finally decides to break the silence in the room.

Jared tosses his head to the side and nods. “I had a really good time. Why’d you punk out so early though? Weren’t you having a good time?”

Jensen shrugs and looks away. “I’m kind of tired tonight, and didn’t really feel like staying out too late, so I decided to turn in early. Doesn’t matter though, you guys were having a good time on your own; you didn’t need me there.”

“We like having you there, Jen,” Jared states softly, looking at Jensen intensely. “Are you sure you were just tired? There’s nothing bothering you, is there?”

“No, I’m just tired. Why do you ask?” Jensen responds, heart pounding in his chest.

“I dunno, man, it’s just that you seem kind of sad lately, almost distant.” The look on Jared’s face is a mixture of curiosity and concern. “You haven’t been yourself, and… well, I’m worried.”

Jensen can’t help but smile at that. “Everything’s fine, Jared, you have no reason to worry about me.”

Jared doesn’t appear to believe him, and his next question just proves that. “It’s not your family, is it? Is that why you’re so withdrawn?”

“Seriously, Jared, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m honestly fine. You’re reading way too much into it,” Jensen replies firmly, slightly irritated. “So… I saw you dancing with Alexis, bet that was like a dream come true.”

The last thing Jensen wants to talk about is Alexis and how Jared felt dancing with her, but it is better than where their conversation was previously heading. If Jensen isn’t careful he will eventually slip up, especially with Jared badgering him, and then his friend will be too damn close to the truth.

Jared’s eyes light up at the mention of Alexis, and Jensen wants to sigh, or groan in frustration, but he stops himself before any sound can leave his lips. He can just imagine the conversation that would follow that, and he is sure it would be a painful one. Sure, talking about _her_ isn’t much better, but talking to Jared about how he feels would be worse on so many levels.

“I was so surprised when she asked me to dance with her. I have been waiting such a damn long time for that moment. It is possibly one of the happiest moments of my life to date,” Jared says with a smile of delight gracing his face.

Despite the topic of conversation, Jensen can’t help but smile. Jared just looks so happy right now, it would be impossible not to be glad to see it. Jensen wishes he could see his friend this happy more often, he doesn’t smile enough. Chris says the same thing about Jensen, but Jared has a face made for smiling, so it is weird and unsettling to see those lips set in a thin line.

“She smelled really nice, man, something fruity,” Jared says and rolls his eyes at his own stupidity. “Having her in my arms, up against me, it just felt amazing. I know that’s where she belongs - in my arms - I just wish she knew that.”

Jensen just smiles sadly in response, all the while thinking, _I know how you feel_. He really wishes there was something he could say to make Jared feel better about his situation, but every time he tries, he comes up empty handed. What could he possibly say that wouldn’t provide his friend with false hope? He knows that she will never feel that way about Jared, so he can’t possibly tell him that she could come around eventually… it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Until she openly tells him that he has no chance with her, Jared is just going to follow her around like a lost puppy. Until she is finally straight with him, and tells him that she doesn’t see him in that light, he isn’t going to give up on her. That hurts Jensen too, because he hates seeing his friend hurt himself this way. But, honestly, what can he do about it? Jared isn’t going to listen if he tells him that his efforts are a lost cause. In the end, that might only make Jared angry with him. Jared is just going to have to learn the hard way; he’s going to have to find out for himself.

When they simply sit in silence for a long period of time, Jensen stands up and grabs his nightclothes from his closet. Jared’s eyes are on him the whole time, but he doesn’t say anything. Jensen can’t really tell what is going through his head, his face a blank mask, but he doesn’t ask him either.

“I’m going to get ready for bed,” Jensen calls over his shoulder as he walks into the bathroom and then shuts the door behind him.

Quickly, he strips down and puts on his flannel pajama pants, and pulling a t-shirt on to cover his torso. He can’t help but be self-conscious of his body, thinking himself scrawny and too pale; very unappealing in his eyes. So, he does his best to keep himself covered at all costs. He has this stupid notion in his head that if anyone were to see his pale, freckled body they would laugh.

Keeping his socks on his feet to chase away the chill, he steps to the sink and turns on the tap. Applying some toothpaste to his light blue toothbrush, he quickly brushes his teeth until his mouth feels clean and is tingling pleasantly. Lastly, he gargles with some mouthwash before spitting it out and heading back out into the room.

He stops in his tracks, just within the doorway, his eyes trained on his journal, which so happens to be in Jared’s hands. He almost wants to kick himself when he realizes he left it lying open on his bed, on his latest entry. He had forgotten all about it, which was a very stupid move on his part. Usually he isn’t careless like that, too worried about Jared reading his words.

Idly, he wonders if he could run from the room without Jared noticing. He knows this is stupid; that there is no way he can get out of the room without the other man seeing him. Besides, he is going to have to deal with this at some point, he might as well get it over with now rather than later. Plus, he really doesn’t want Jared reading any more than he already has; no need to add salt to his wound.

Striding across the room, he snatches his journal out of Jared’s hands and holds in protectively against his chest. Jared’s eyes snap up to Jensen, guilt and shame filling up those hazel depths. Jensen doesn’t say anything, hoping his face is devoid of emotion, as he sits down on his bed and lowers his eyes to stare at the gray carpet.

Hurt and betrayal are coursing through his veins, and he finds his breath hitching in his throat. He is more embarrassed than he has ever been, and his nerves are making him nauseous. He also can’t help being a little upset at Jared for reading his journal in the first place; that is just something you don’t do, and everyone knows that. He can’t even comprehend what could have compelled Jared to read it. It just boggles his mind.

“I’m sorry, Jen, I didn’t mean to. It was just lying there, and my curiosity got the best of me, and I know it was wrong, I shouldn’t have read it,” Jared rambles nervously. “I’m so sorry.”

Jensen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm himself; his body is trembling noticeably. “Why would you do that, Jared? I don’t care that I left it lying open on my bed; you had no right to read it. Friends aren’t supposed to invade their friend’s privacy like that. What on earth made you think that reading my journal would be okay?”

“I know it’s no excuse, but I wasn’t thinking. I know it was wrong, and I’m so sorry, Jen. I’ll never invade your privacy again. I know I’ve broken your trust, and that kills me; I never intentionally meant to hurt you. Just, please, forgive me. I’d hate it if this tore our friendship apart.” Jared’s eyes tell Jensen that he is sincere and feels guilty as hell. It might take some time to regain his trust in Jared, but he knows he doesn’t want to lose his friendship. Forgiveness isn’t something that he finds hard to give though.

“Just don’t _ever_ do it again,” Jensen says firmly, and he can practically feel the relief coming from Jared.

“Thanks, man, I promise I’ll never do it again,” Jared says as he stands up and pulls Jensen into a bear hug, practically squeezing the air out of him.

Jensen simply extracts himself from Jared’s long limbs and smiles softly, showing him that everything is cool between them. Truth is though, not everything is cool. They still haven’t talked about what Jared read, and he can feel the tension in the air around them. He wonders if Jared is going to bring it up, or if he is just going to ignore it. Personally, Jensen would prefer the latter. He really doesn’t want to explain how he feels about Jared, and he _really_ doesn’t want to be let down easy, doesn’t want to feel the pain of rejection. It would be so much easier to just ignore it and move on.

Jared sits down beside him though, and he can feel the conversation approaching. Jensen tries not to flinch at the thought of it; he doesn’t want Jared to see how much this conversation is going to affect him. _You’ve been rejected before, you can handle this_ , Jensen coaches himself silently. _This is Jared, though, it’s going to hurt more than any other rejection._

When Jared lays a hand on his shoulder, Jensen releases an almost silent sigh, and reluctantly turns to face his friend. The look on Jared’s face is soft, slightly sympathetic, and a bit curious.

“Jen, that poem you wrote, did… uh, that's how you really feel?” Jared asks a bit unsure, borderline hesitant.

‘Yeah, Jay, those words were for you, and it is how I truly feel,” Jensen admits, seeing no point in lying.

Jared looks down at his hands and is silent for a moment, a mixture of emotions crossing his face. For the life of him, Jensen couldn’t name what emotions they were, far too fleeting for him to analyze.

“First off, I just want you to know that this won’t affect our friendship, you’re still one of my best friends,” Jared says, looking up straight into Jensen’s eyes. “But, I… you have to know that I don’t feel the same.”

“I know you don’t,” Jensen quickly says before Jared can continue, “and I never expected you to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. You’re a great guy, Jen, and if I could like you that way I would, but I’m straight, and I like Alexis,” Jared says softly, Jensen merely nods his head.

“It’s okay, Jared. I know all this already. My feelings aren’t going to get in the way of our friendship, I promise,” Jensen practically whispers, and trying to smile but falling short. “Can we just pretend you never found out and go back to the way things were before?”

“I don’t think I can just pretend, Jen, but things aren’t going to change between us. I promise not to act any differently towards you,” Jared replies sincerely.

Jensen nods his head gratefully, and then lies down on his side, facing away from Jared. He hears Jared’s whispered, “Goodnight, Jen” and then the bed dips as he stands up and goes back to his own bed. Jensen remains perfectly still, barely breathing, and closes his eyes tightly as tears threaten to spill past his barriers.

Jared was really nice in his rejection, and he chose his words carefully, but still, Jensen is hurt. Part of him held on to the hope that Jared could care about him in return, eventually, but now that illusion is shattered, and the pieces are too jagged to be picked up. He has known all along that Jared is straight, knew he had no possible chance with him, yet he still refused to give up hope. Now he is paying the price.

Chris had tried to warn him, and he knows he should’ve listened, but he just didn’t know how to let Jared go. How do you tell a heart to let go of something it loves? Making a heart stop loving someone is just about as easy as trying to make it love somebody. He knows he has to move on; he knows for sure that he and Jared will never be anything more than friends… he just wishes he knew how to do that.

Chris had suggested that he start dating, but he really doesn’t want to date anyone else. Besides, it would be unfair to date other people when his heart currently belongs to his best friend. It isn’t that he wouldn’t like to be in a relationship, to love someone and be loved in return, he just doesn’t think he is ready for that quite yet. His heart needs time to move on from Jared, and to heal before it can attempt to care that deeply about someone else.

Right now, his heart is an open wound that isn’t anywhere close to even healing yet. He is still very much in love with Jared, and feelings as deep as that don’t just go away overnight. _Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always have to fall for the straight guy?_ Jensen silently questions miserably.

When Jensen hears Jared’s whispered, “I’m sorry Jen”, his composure slips, and the first of many silent tears slide down his face.

**:0Ж0:**

November 12th, 1999

“Man, this is gonna be awesome! Thanks for inviting us, Jensen,” Mike says enthusiastically, practically bouncing in his seat.

“Yeah, that was really cool of you,” Tom says politely before turning to glare at Mike. “Would you sit still for two seconds? You keep hitting me, and I won’t be liable for what I might do.”

Jensen smiles at his friends’ antics and shakes his head in amusement. When he woke up this morning, he couldn’t help but feel restless, anxious to go out and do something fun. The idea of Disneyland had come out of nowhere and sounded appealing. He invited Tom, Mike, and Jared to come along and he knows for sure that he made the right choice. It is always fun watching Tom and Mike, as there is never a dull moment when they are around.

As sad as this may sound, Jensen has never been to Disneyland before. He had never really been out of Texas before though, either. His family never really went on trips and vacations; if his parents went away, Jensen always stayed behind at a friend’s house. That is one of the reasons he wanted to go to a college out of state; he was aching for a change in scenery. He always figured he would consider Texas to be _home_ , and part of him still does, but sometimes he can’t help feeling a little out of place there now.

He can’t deny that he loves California though. He never thought he could love another place as much, or more than Texas, but he has been proven wrong. He is really enjoying his new life; he loves his friends, most of the time he enjoys his job, and he is content with his choice in college. He can honestly say he is happy, and that is a good feeling. He couldn’t have chosen a better place to live, and, when all is said and done as far as college is concerned, he is going to make California his permanent home.

“It’s really awesome of you to invite us, but Jen, are you sure you can afford it?” Jared asks in concern from his seat behind the wheel of his Mitsubishi Montero. “Not that I’m complaining, of course, but it’s gonna be pretty pricey. Are you sure it‘s worth it?”

Jensen just smiles at this and shakes his head slightly before responding, “Life’s too short not to do things like this sometimes.”

“I fully agree with that. Now stop with all your questions before he decides to change his mind and we have to turn around,” Mike says from the backseat, scowl fixed firmly on the back of Jared’s head

“Can someone put some music on or something to drown Mike out, he’s gonna be getting on everyone’s nerves if you don’t,” Tom groans, and Jensen has to try really hard not to laugh.

Jared, however, doesn’t even try to mask his amusement as he laughs heartily. Mike begins bitching out both of his friends as Jensen reaches over and turns on the stereo, flipping through the channels until he finds a rock station. This seems to shut Mike up, who is sulking in the backseat. They all pay him no attention though, and just listen to the radio as Jensen gives Jared the directions on how to get to the theme park.

Things between him and Jared haven’t changed, surprisingly. Jared doesn’t treat him any differently than he did before, and they don’t have awkward moments like Jensen expected to happen. Everything is fine and, from an outsider’s perspective, you wouldn’t even know that something went down between them about a month ago. Jensen is surprised by just how easygoing their friendship still is. He had expected it to be strained for a while. Things had gone back to normal the next day though, and neither of them has brought it up again.

Jensen still wants Jared as much as he did before, but he is doing his best to hide it. It gets hard at times, which is only expected, but he thinks he is managing to keep his feelings to himself pretty well. For the most part, he is dealing.

One of the good things to come out of that whole mess is that Jared doesn’t talk about Alexis as much as he used to. He respects the fact that Jensen has feelings for him, and he doesn’t shove his face in it by mentioning his crush on Alexis. That is really the only way Jensen can tell that Jared remembers what was said that night, that he remembers his confession. Jensen is grateful to him for this. It used to be so hard hearing him talk about how much he cared about her. Things are smoother between them now that she no longer is a part of their daily conversations, and Jensen couldn’t be happier about that.

**:0Ж0:**

“Okay, so, what are we going to ride first?” Mike asks with a bounce to his step. “I suggest Space Mountain.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Jared says as Tom nods his head in agreement. “What do you say, Jen, Space Mountain okay with you?”

“Doesn’t matter to me,” he responds with a shrug of his shoulders. “I haven’t been here before so I’ll just let you guys decide on what to ride.”

His three friends openly gape at him in shock, and Jensen finds himself shifting from one foot to the other in embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck like he does when he feels uncomfortable. He knew he shouldn’t have brought up the fact that he has never been here before, he knew they would make fun of him for it. He is just waiting for the surprise to subside and for the laughter to set in. It doesn’t happen.

“Alright, that means we have to ride Space Mountain and Splash Mountain,” Mike says with a wide grin on his face.

“Don’t forget the Indiana Jones ride; I think Jen would like that,” Tom adds, nudging Jensen in his side.

“You’ll probably like Thunder Mountain Railroad too,” Jared says as he wraps an arm around Jensen’s shoulders and begins leading him in the direction of Space Mountain.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Jensen replies with a smile and a soft chuckle. “So, what is Space Mountain, exactly?”

“An indoor roller coaster,” Jared responds with a smile. “It’s all dark inside, and you can see all these stars and Saturn… It’s really cool, you’ll probably enjoy it.”

Jensen smiles in apprehension at the thought of a roller coaster. He has never been a fan of roller coasters, especially the ones that go upside down. He feels a shiver run down his spine at just the thought of it, hoping upon hope that this one doesn’t do any loops. Jared laughs when he feels Jensen shiver and looks at him in amusement, as if he can read his mind.

Jensen explains that he doesn’t like being upside down, and Jared quickly reassures him that this particular roller coaster doesn’t do anything of the sort. This helps to ease Jensen’s nerves, but he can’t help still being a little apprehensive. He tries to will it away though, as he pushes onward through the crowd around them.

Before long they are standing at the back of the line for the indoor roller coaster, his friends groaning because of the length of the line. People who bought special passes breeze past them, and this just seems to agitate his friends further. Jensen just watches them grumble in amusement; he doesn’t especially enjoy the long line either, but listening to his friends makes it a little more bearable.

When Jensen turns his head, he finds Jared watching him with a soft smile on his face. Jensen can’t stop the blush that heats his cheeks, and looks down shyly. Jared sidles up beside his friend, with that smile still on his face, and punches him lightly on the arm. Jensen simply gives him a smile and tunes back into Mike and Tom’s conversation.

In the end, they wound up standing in line for over an hour before they were finally able to get on the ride. Jensen can’t imagine why anyone willingly waits that long just to ride something they would only be on for five minutes tops. He can’t deny that he enjoyed the roller coaster, though he still isn’t sure waiting _that_ long is worth it. He is anxious to try out the other rides that his friends mentioned, however, despite how long the lines will most likely be. Judging by the line for Space Mountain, Jensen thinks it is pretty safe to assume the other lines will be just as long and frustrating.

He is just glad to be here though; can finally say that he has been to Disneyland, so he isn’t going to complain about the lines. Besides, it seems pretty pointless, and he doesn’t want to bring anyone down or annoy them on a day that is meant to be fun and relaxing. Briefly, he thinks about how he would love to tell his family about his outing, but he banishes the thought before it can put him in a depressed mood. He can always tell Mack, and that is good enough for him.

He feels kind of bad that he couldn’t invite his other friends to come along with them, but he has far too many friends, and not enough money for that. He is sure they will understand why he didn’t invite them though, so he doesn’t allow it to make him feel too guilty. He had mentioned this to Jared before they left, and all he said was, “They aren’t gonna be upset, they’ll probably tease ya about it, but they won’t be upset,” and that made Jensen feel a little better.

They get to ride the Indiana Jones ride and Splash Mountain before the rumbling in their bellies tells them they should take a break for lunch. They find a food court place and decide this is as good as any. The prices are outrageous and not worth it, considering how bad the food truly is, but Jensen isn’t paying any attention to money and tells his friends to order whatever they desire.

Jensen decides on a cheeseburger, french fries, and a medium Coke, taking his food to one of the available tables and waits for his friends. He briefly glances at the people sitting at the tables around him, mostly parents with their kids. He can remember a time when his family was like that, spending quality time together. They used to go to the fairs that came to town, riding the rides together, playing the games, eating grilled hamburgers and churros with smiles and laughter on their lips. That seems like such a long time ago, and Jensen can’t help feeling nostalgic.

As he turns away from the family that currently has his attention, his eyes land on a pair of bright blue irises, which happen to be watching him intensely. Focusing on the guy’s face rather than just his eyes, Jensen finds the alluring stranger smiling flirtatiously and winking an eye at him. Blushing shyly, Jensen brings his gaze down to the weathered table while wishing he were invisible.

It’s not that he isn’t flattered by the guy’s interest, but, seriously, who tries to pick someone up at _Disneyland_? Can’t this guy go to a club or a bar like normal people? He might be flattered, that much is true, but the last thing he wants is to be hit on. He didn’t come here to meet someone; he came here to spend some time with his friends and a break away from his studies.

Glancing up when the feeling of eyes upon him doesn’t ease, Jensen feels the swell of panic in his chest when he sees the guy stand up and begin making his way in his direction. Quickly, he tries to come up with something to say; a way to let this guy down easy and hope it will be enough to get him to leave him alone. Yet his mind seems to have decided to rebel against him, leaving him grasping at thin air.

By a stroke of luck, it is at this moment that his friends return to the table, and the guy, who Jensen has named Baby Face, stops in his tracks. He tries avoiding looking at _Baby Face_ directly, hoping he will get the hint and return to his own table. Tom looks at the guy inquisitively, then turns his eyes to Jensen, and repeating this action before a soft smile appears on his face.

“Looks like someone’s interested, Jenny boy,” he teases lightly and it takes all of Jensen’s will power not to groan aloud.

“Don’t call me that,” he grumbles, staring down at his hands like there is nothing he finds more fascinating.

Mike chuckles loudly. “I have to agree with Tommy here, why don’t you go talk to him? He’s looking rather awkward standing there.”

“Yeah, like he doesn’t know whether he should come over here, now that you have company or return to his table with his tail between his legs,” Tom adds with a laugh of amusement.

“That’s not what I came here for,” Jensen protests instantly. “Besides, I’m not interested.”

Mike gives him a look, silently calling him out for the lie that it is. Jensen gives him a look in return, one that clearly says “back off”, and Mike raises his hands in surrender. Tom, however, ignores the warning, which doesn’t really surprise him; Tom is usually the one to push, while others will let it go.

Jensen lets out a sigh when Tom tries persuading him into at least talking to the guy, and see where it goes. Tom shuts up, thankfully, when Jensen tells him that he isn’t into long distance relationships, and that he doesn’t do one night stands either. Sure, he can’t deny that he finds the guy to be attractive, any gay guy with eyes would agree with him on this fact, but he honestly isn’t into that sort of thing. He only sleeps with people when it means something. Feelings are a must as far as sex is concerned.

It is at this moment when it occurs to Jensen that Jared has been silent all throughout the conversation. He looks across the table to see Jared munching on a slice of pizza, staring at him with an expression that Jensen can’t decipher. This puzzles him, of course, but he isn’t sure that now is the time to question his friend…, if ever. Part of him decides he doesn’t want to know what Jared is thinking, though he isn’t quite sure why.

Looking away, Jensen eats silently and tries not to think about Jared and why he was looking at him that way. Mike and Tom are talking, as per usual, but Jensen and Jared are both silent as they finish their lunch. Despite the concentration it takes not to give into the thoughts trying to set themselves free in Jensen’s mind, and the pressure of Jared’s stare on his form, the air surrounding the table isn’t tense or awkward. It is quite comfortable in fact, as odd as that may seem.

Finishing off the last of his fries, Jensen pushes his tray away slightly so he can put his elbows on the table and rest his chin on the back of his right hand. Mike rushes off to use the bathroom while Tom takes all their trash to one of the garbage cans set around the area, leaving Jensen and Jared alone together.

“So, are you having a good time, Jen?” Jared breaks the silence between them.

A smile grows on Jensen’s face as he thinks about how the day has gone so far. “Yeah, I’ve really enjoyed myself. This has definitely been a day to remember. I always feel like such a dork when I tell people that I haven’t been here before, and now that I’ve finally been here, it really makes me wonder why I waited so long. I’m glad I got to experience it with you guys though.”

“We’re more than happy to be here with you, you couldn’t have picked three better people to invite. I mean, Mike and Tom are like two big kids, especially Mike. They make the experience that much more memorable and enjoyable,” Jared says with a soft laugh at the thought of the two overgrown two year olds that they call their friends.

“I couldn’t agree with you more, I guess that’s why I chose them. I figured if anyone could appreciate this place, it’d be them,” Jensen replies with a smile, watching as Jared simply nods, and then frowns when it comes to his attention that Jared has been acting rather strange the past few days. “Is everything okay with you, Jared?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?” Jared asks evasively, and right then Jensen knows that something is wrong.

“Don’t give me that, man, you keep forgetting that you can’t hide anything from me,” Jensen scolds lightly, bringing a wry grin to his friend’s face. “You’ve been acting strange lately, all distant and withdrawn. That’s usually my thing, not yours.”

Jared merely stares for a moment then lets out a heavy sigh, looking away from Jensen’s inquisitive and watchful eyes. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind recently. Well, ever since I had rudely read your journal entry.”

Jensen flinches at the mention of _that_ night, opening his mouth to speak but Jared continues, as if he knows what Jensen is going to say. “I kept thinking about what you wrote, and that poem, and it opened my eyes to a lot of things I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge. It made me think about my feelings for Alexis, and how she responds to me. It sucked and it hurt, but I realized that what you wrote was true.”

“I never meant for you to find out the way you did,” Jensen quickly interjects but Jared raises his hand, effectively stopping him from saying anything further.

“I never wanted to believe it, but some part of me knew all along that she’d never return my feelings. I stubbornly refused to give up on her, but I’ve finally realized that I can’t keep living this way.” Jared looks at Jensen intently; making sure Jensen takes in his words and understands how serious he is. “Coming to this conclusion also helped me to understand that I didn’t really care for her in that way anymore. It was just that I had been trying to get with her for so long that I didn’t want to give up after so much time and effort, ya know. I’ve had time to think it over though, have accepted the situation for what it is, and in the end, it’s helped me to move on. I guess I should be thanking you for that.”

For a moment, Jensen doesn’t know what to say. He never expected to hear Jared saying all of this, at least not this soon. “Well, I’m glad it helped you. I hated seeing you so hurt every time she shot you down. You deserve better than that.”

“With her out of the way, it has helped me to realize that I am interested in someone else - have been for a while.”

“You’re not happy unless you have a crush on someone, are ya?” Jensen tries to ease the serious moment with a joke, feeling uncomfortable with the way Jared is looking at him.

“It would probably be best if I took a break on relationships and just focused on me, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to end up that way. I already have feelings for someone, feelings I haven’t been able to ignore. Jen, it’s you. You’re the one I have feelings for,” Jared says softly with a torn expression on his face.

Out of all the things Jensen was expecting to hear, this would be last on his list, if it was even on the list at all. Jared is finally saying the one thing he has wanted to hear all along, and he can’t even enjoy the moment. He wants to laugh at the irony of it all, but another part of him wants to cry out in frustration.

“Look, Jay, you obviously don’t know what you’re saying. You couldn’t possibly like me, of all people. It… it just wouldn‘t work out, it can’t.”

“Why not? You like me and I like you, what could possibly be wrong with that? You can’t tell me that you’re over me, not that quickly. What’s the harm in at least giving it a shot? See where it goes?”

“You just figured out that Alexis isn’t going to return your feelings, and you’re trying to move on. Not to mention you’re straight, you said so yourself. No, I won’t be a rebound. I won’t be that guy, Jared, not even for you,” Jensen explains sadly. These are the last words he wants to be saying to Jared, but he knows they are true.

“I won’t deny that I’m scared and freaking out a bit, but I’ve had time to think things through, and I know this is something I want. It probably will be hard at times, I’m still new to the whole gay thing, or bi in my case, but I know I’d regret it if we don’t at least see if we can make this work,” Jared says, a serious expression firmly on his face. “Come on, Jen, don’t turn your back before we even get a chance to at least see if this can work out between us. I know you care about me; you can’t tell me that you don’t.”

“I do care about you, and that’s why I can’t give in so easily.” Jensen sighs unhappily. “It’s too soon for you to even try being in a relationship, especially with me. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship if it all goes south. I won’t let it happen.”

Jared nods solemnly and doesn’t say another word. They just sit there in silence as they wait for their friends to return from wherever they ran off to.


	6. Falling Away With You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Five:**  
 _Falling Away With You_  
-~*~-

Jensen releases a sigh as he closes his text book and shoves it in his backpack. The whole class was supposed to read the chapter on Behavioral Dynamics, and make notes on the parts they needed to remember for the test they will be having tomorrow morning. Jensen’s mind, however, could hardly focus on the words in front him, and he wasn’t able to finish the chapter in time. He knows this means he will have to finish reading and taking notes later on tonight. He was really looking forward to having a relaxing night, but now it looks as though that’s not going to happen.

Gathering the rest of his things, Jensen leaves the class room and proceeds to walk down the hall at a leisurely pace. People rush past him on their way to the dorms or their next class, but he pays them little to no attention. His day has been a tiring one, and all he wants is to get back to his room and find rest that only his bed can bring him. He knows he won’t be finding any though, not for a while at least. He still has his class work to finish, and he has to work tonight as well.

He wants to blame Jared for how distracted and tired he has been the past few days, but he knows that isn’t fair. That day at Disneyland has been replaying over and over again in his head, making him think about his decision to reject Jared. Part of him hates himself for doing it, he yells at himself silently in disbelief and anger, but the larger part knows he did the right thing. Knowing he did the right thing doesn’t make it any easier though.

Jared is being stubborn, however, and it’s driving Jensen crazy. Every time he turns around, Jared is finding some reason to touch him; whether it be a hand on his shoulder, a pat on the back, shoulders rubbing as he walks by, or pulling Jensen in for a friendly and ‘totally innocent’ hug.

Then, there are the times when Jensen will look over at his friend, only to find Jared staring at him, once again. Jared seems to be staring at him constantly these days; Jensen can always feel his eyes upon him. He would like to say it makes him feel uncomfortable, and sometimes it does, but mostly it just makes him feel hot all over, and a blush is now fixed permanently on his cheeks. He enjoys knowing that Jared likes him enough to the point where he can’t keep his eyes off him, and he always feels so damn guilty for feeling that way, not to mention that it makes him sad, because he can’t do anything about it.

Sure, he would love to give in to Jared, throw caution to the wind, and give the relationship a shot. But he can’t allow himself to do that. He has been hurt so much in his life, that he has to be a little careful with his heart this time around. The last thing he wants to be is a rebound for Jared, and he refuses to lose him when it inevitably falls apart around them. If he is going to be with Jared, he wants to go into the relationship knowing for sure that Jared wants to be with _him_ , not just looking for something to temporarily fill the void Alexis left behind.

It’s not that he thinks Jared is out to deliberately hurt him. He knows that his friend would never want to hurt him like that, but he is afraid that Jared is doing it unconsciously. Jared needs to give himself time to get over Alexis before he can even think about a relationship with someone else. Jensen would love to be that person, it’s all that he desires, but it just isn’t meant to be. Jared is straight, and, once he has his thoughts in order again, he will realize that Jensen isn’t the one he really wants, and he will be grateful to him for staying strong for the both of them. Jensen is sure of it.

 _Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it though_ , he tells himself as he nears his room. Before he can get the door unlocked, a petite brunette is at his side, smiling widely up at him. Jensen can’t stop the smile that grows on his face, not that he would even try to in the first place.

Once he has the door unlocked, he invites Sophia inside and watches her take a seat at his desk as he shuts the door behind them. He allows his body to fall down onto his bed with a tired sigh, lying on his back. Sophia clears her throat a moment later and Jensen tilts his head to the side to face her, and is greeted with a smirk etched firmly on her face.

Jensen smiles sheepishly and tries to shrug his shoulders, the motion awkward in this position. “Sorry, Sophia, I know you’re here for a reason, not to be ignored. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing too important, just thought I’d come spend some time with you,” she says nonchalantly, a soft smile on her face. “I’m not getting in the way of anything, am I? I’d ask if you’re busy, but I already know the answer since you’re lazing around like a bum.”

“Actually, I shouldn’t be ‘lazing around’ at all. I have unfinished class work to do that I will need tomorrow, and I can’t exactly put it off, though I’d love to,” Jensen says, groaning at just the thought of the night that awaits him.

“You can put that off and have an early dinner with your friends,” Sophia replies, making sure Jensen knows she isn’t asking him; she’s telling him.

“I dunno, Soph,” Jensen weakly protests despite the tone of _final_ in her voice. “Like I said, I have unfinished class work to do, and I also have to work tonight. I can’t put either of them off.”

“Dinner isn’t going to take that long, Jen. Come on, come out with us tonight and I promise to have you back here with enough time to finish studying,” Sophia persuades him with her lips formed in the shape of a pout, knowing full well that Jensen can’t resist that look.

He simply remains silent for the moment, silently contemplating the idea and his options. He is a little worried that there won’t be enough time to finish studying before he has to head to work, but he also wants to go to dinner with his friends. _I do have to eat sometime tonight, can’t forget that_ , he silently reasons with himself. _It couldn’t hurt to go to dinner and then rush back after we’re finished._

When Jensen finally nods his head in agreement, a wide grin forms on Sophia’s face, knowing she has won yet again, and then she is dragging him out the door in such a rush that he has to quickly grab his room key from where he threw it on his desk.

**:0Ж0:**

Their friends greet them as soon as they enter McDonald’s, being loud and obnoxious to other customers, and making Jensen and Sophia smile in amusement. Jensen takes the available seat at the end of the two tables the group is occupying, sitting beside Jared. He doesn’t miss the fact that Jared isn’t staring at Alexis like he used to do; instead, his attention is focused on Jensen.

That all too familiar blush creeps up on Jensen, and once again he feels hot because of the intense gaze upon his slender frame. He tries smiling at Jared but knows it comes across as shy, and he mentally kicks himself for acting like such a girl. Jared smiles widely, dimples and all, and asks about Jensen’s day.

“It’s been alright, though I have left over work to do from my last class,” Jensen responds softly, forcing himself not to avoid Jared’s gaze. “I have to work tonight, too, so I won’t be able to stay for too long.”

“Dude, that sucks, I hate being pressed for time like that. Maybe I’ll stop in at the Paradise Café and get a coffee or something. I’ve kinda been having a craving for it lately.”

Jensen nods. “Guess I’ll either see ya there or at the dorm.”

He still has a difficult time referring to the dorm as ‘home’. He knows that is what it technically is, but he has never considered a room to be a home. He is just thankful to have a place to live, be it a dorm or a house. It could be worse, after all.

One day he would like to get a place of his own, though. Maybe a house or an apartment; whatever he can afford. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy where he is currently living, he likes living with Jared, even though it can be hard at times. He is already saving up for the move, though he doesn’t nearly have enough yet. He is sure it will take him quite a while before he will have enough money to get a better place. Still, he is saving up and is planning on eventually getting a place of his own.

He hasn’t informed any of his friends of his plans, especially not Jared, because he doesn’t know how his friend will take the news. He is keeping it to himself for the time being, figuring it is the best option. It is still just a notion in his head anyway; he won’t bring it up until he has something concrete.

“Hey, Jen.” Jensen turns his head in Jared’s direction when he calls to him and is instantly blinded by a bright light. Cringing, he covers his eyes and rubs them, black spots dancing before him.

Vaguely, he can hear Jared laughing in amusement and frowns at his friend when he reopens his eyes, his vision still impaired. Jared is holding up a camera and grinning like a mad man. Jensen’s first instinct is to punch his friend on the arm, but instead he finds himself smiling in bemusement.

Jared holds up the camera once more to take another picture and backs up a little so it isn’t so close up. At first Jensen is glaring in mock anger, but he allows his expression to slide into a genuine smile so Jared can have a decent photo, though he suspects the previous one will be his friend’s favorite. _The lovable jerk_ , Jensen thinks affectionately.

Once the picture is taken, Jared lowers his camera to the table and smiles gratefully. Jensen simply nods his head in answer and turns his interest to Sophia, whom is demanding his attention. She asks what he wants to eat and then leaves to go order their food.

“So, how long do you have to work tonight, Jen?” Steve inquires curiously.

“I get off at eleven, thankfully. I wasn’t even supposed to work tonight, but Danneel asked me to cover half of her shift as a favor to her,” Jensen answers. “I only have to work for four hours, so it’s not too bad.”

“Dude, Danneel is hot, wouldn’t mind snagging me a piece of that,” Chad admits, making the rest of the guys to roll their eyes.

“Better not let Sophia hear you say that, she’ll kick your ass,” Jared says with a smile.

“Or worse, withhold sex,” Chris adds with a smirk.

Chad groans and reluctantly nods his head in agreement, “Yeah, that girl can hold off like no other. I definitely do my best not to piss her off.”

“How long did she deny you this last time?” Mike asks in honest curiosity.

“A whole fuckin’ month,” Chad growls his response. “She hardly let me kiss her, let alone touch her.”

“You deserved it, asshole,” Sophia says returning to the table. “Keep in mind, the next time you kiss another girl, you’ll be going without for much longer than a month, or I just might wake the fuck up and finally decide to drop your ass.”

“You don’t wanna do that, baby, not really. You know those other girls don’t mean shit to me, and you’re the only one I want.” Chad actually coos, kissing her neck affectionately.

“Damn straight,” Sophia responds smugly, winking conspiratorially at Jensen.

Jensen snickers softly to himself as he unwraps his quarter pounder with cheese and takes a bite, half listening to the conversation around him. The topic of conversation is light and mostly unimportant, just easy going and relaxing. He silently watches as his friends laugh and smile, realizing there is no other place he would rather be.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen drags his tired body into his room after having worked the past four hours, and finds Jared sitting at his computer, browsing the internet. They acknowledge one another with their eyes, but don’t utter a single word.

He was able to get most of his class work finished before heading off to work but he still has two pages left to read, so he sets his alarm an hour earlier than usual, figuring that it will give him enough time, with a little extra to spare. He definitely isn’t much of an early person, he can be downright bitchy in the mornings, and that is why he always sets his alarm an hour before he actually has to be up.

Too tired to change into his night clothes, Jensen simply strips down to his boxer briefs, takes off his glasses, and then climbs into bed. Sounding distracted, Jared asks if the light will be a problem for him and Jensen replies with, “I’m too tired to care.” Jared chuckles briefly, but goes silent almost immediately. Jensen raises an eyebrow at Jared's odd behavior but shrugs it off and lies down, getting comfortable on his side.

Just as he is starting to drift off to sleep, he is startled when the bed dips. Rolling over onto his back, Jensen stares up at his roommate quizzically. Jared merely smiles softly, hint of nerves, before slowly leaning down, and placing his lips against Jensen’s. When Jensen gasps in surprise Jared takes the opportunity to slip his tongue inside, thoroughly exploring his mouth for the very first time. Jensen has to fight with all the willpower he possesses to keep a moan from escaping his mouth. He has wanted this for so long, almost from the moment that he met the hazel eyed man, and he can’t quite believe this is happening.

On some level he knows he shouldn’t be allowing this, shouldn’t be letting this take place, but he just can’t force himself to put an end to it. When something you have been dreaming about, longing for, finally becomes a reality, well, it is difficult to reject it, even though he knows that it would be the logical thing to do.

When Jared swirls his talented tongue around his, sensually caressing, Jensen can’t hold off the moan any longer. It climbs up from deep within his chest and fades off in an echo into Jared’s awaiting mouth. He has always imagined that Jared would be an amazing kisser, but his fantasy doesn’t even come close to the reality of it. Jared is very attentive, attuned to what pleases his partner, and he’s very sensual with a hint of dominance.

Jared tastes vaguely of wintergreen gum, Mountain Dew, and something that is so genuinely Jared, that Jensen feels overwhelmed by it all; like he could be consumed at any moment and couldn’t care less. Lying wrapped up in Jared’s arms, with his mouth being devoured by adoring lips, he realizes he could stay like this forever if it were possible.

Snapping back to his senses, Jensen gently pushes Jared away and sits up, backing away slightly. “No, Jared, we can’t do this. You know how I feel about you, and there’s really only so much I can take before I won’t be able to fight this anymore.” Jensen sighs in defeat. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, Jay. Please stop pushing me.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re the one that I want to be with?” Jared asks with intense eyes fixed on Jensen’s slumped form. “I know what I want, Jensen, and I’m not going into this blindly. I’ve analyzed and analyzed my feelings time and time again, and I come up with the same conclusion each time. I’m not saying I’m suddenly gay, but I know I’m bi. To be honest, it’s nothing new to me, either. I’ve always been attracted to other guys; I just never wanted to acknowledge it, and I never allowed myself to act upon that attraction.”

When Jensen doesn’t respond, Jared lets out a heavy sigh and continues, “I’m done fighting it, Jensen. I refuse to pass up the opportunity to be with you. I’m tired of lying to myself, and I won’t allow you to slip through my fingers because of any stupid fears I may have. I care about you Jen, and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m willing to fight for you, if that’s what it takes.”

Jensen finally raises his eyes to meet Jared’s, timid and afraid. “Are you sure, Jay? You have to be sure. I don’t want to be hurt in the end, and I _can’t_ lose your friendship if you decide you made a mistake.”

“You could never be a mistake to me, Jen,” Jared responds with an adoring smile on his face, taking Jensen’s hand in his own and entwining their fingers. “I am positive, Jensen. I honestly want nothing more than to give us a chance.”

Jensen bites down on his lower lip, a smile fighting its way onto his face. “Okay, let’s give this a shot. I’m tired of fighting it, anyway.”

A wide, dimpled smile conquers Jared’s face as he grasps Jensen’s biceps and pulls him into a Jared Padalecki bear hug. Jensen laughs happily as he wraps his arms around Jared’s muscular frame and holds on tightly, relieved to finally be able to do this and express how he is really feeling.

“How does a movie sound to you for our first date?” Jared asks as he pulls away slightly, though refusing to release Jensen completely. “We can go to the Cineplex tomorrow and see where the night goes from there.”

“Sounds good to me, so long as we watch a comedy,” Jensen responds, looking up with smiling eyes.

**:0Ж0:**

“Damn, I don’t have anything to wear, Chris! What the hell am I going to do?” Jensen panics as he rummages through his closet, throwing clothes over his shoulder and basically tearing his closet apart. “This is my first date with Jared, the moment I’ve been waiting for. I can’t go out looking like shit!”

“Calm down, Jenny, you’re gonna give yourself a damn heart attack!” Chris admonishes as he grabs Jensen by the elbow and forcibly drags him away from his ruined closet. “Just sit the fuck down and I’ll find something kick ass for you to wear.”

Jensen reluctantly sits down on his bed and runs a hand down his face, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He knows he is making a big deal out of this, freaking out for no reason, but he can’t help it. He is going out with Jared tonight and he wants it to be perfect. In the back of his mind he knows Jared will think he looks good in whatever he decides to wear, and probably won’t pay too much attention anyway, but he can’t help the fact that he wants to look his best on such an important night.

Silently, Jensen watches as Chris goes over his clothes, taking articles of clothing out and examining them before putting them back in their places. Jared and Jensen decided that they didn’t want to keep their relationship from their friends, knowing they wouldn’t judge them. Jared said he wasn’t ready to tell his parents; he wants to see if things are going to work out between them first before he takes such a big step by coming out to his family. Jensen could understand that, and they instantly came to an agreement.

Chris, of course, was more than happy to hear that they were giving it a shot but he was also concerned for Jensen. He still finds it strange how Chris has become like a brother to him, an overprotective brother at that, but he also finds it oddly comforting. He is grateful to have Chris in his life, someone he knows will always be there and who will always have his back. More often than not, it makes him think of Josh, reminds him that he misses having his brother around, but he is still very much appreciative to have Chris around to look out for him.

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere,” Chris says triumphantly as he pulls out a few articles of clothing from the closet. “Ya know, would it kill you to have some kind of coordination? You’re the neatest person I know, Jen, I’d almost go so far as to call you a clean freak, but your closet is a disaster!”

Jensen simply glares at his friend as he snatches the clothes out of his hands, lifting them up to examine them. “Uh, are you sure this is the best you could come up with?” he asks warily, looking at the clothing in distaste.

“You’re going to the movies, Jen, not a five star restaurant. I think you’re safe if you dress casually,” Chris mocks lightly with a roll of his eyes. “Besides, I’m sure Jared would appreciate it much more if you are yourself and don’t go trying to be something you’re not.”

Jensen reluctantly nods his head in agreement, knowing Chris is right. They are just going to see a movie, after all. He doesn’t have to get all dressed up for something like that. In the end, he would only make himself feel uncomfortable, and probably Jared too in the process. A grey t-shirt with a red button down flannel over shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans would be more fitting for their date, and it is more along the lines of how he really dresses anyway. Sure, Jared has seen him in these clothes a million times, but there really is no need to go over the top, even if it is their first date. Jared will probably be similarly dressed anyway.

With a grateful smile, Jensen takes his clothes into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. Quickly changing into his outfit, he sprays some cheap cologne on and then proceeds to fix his hair, styling the best he can with how short it is. Lastly, he brushes his teeth until his mouth is tingling, not enjoying the idea of having bad breath for the evening.

Taking one last glance at his form in the mirror, he decides he doesn’t look half bad and exits the bathroom. Chris is sitting on his bed, flipping through a magazine, and he looks up when he appears. Nodding his head in approval, Chris rises from the bed and tells Jensen he is heading back home. Jared will be arriving any moment, his class ended five minutes ago, and then they will be heading out.

“I’m glad everything is working out for you, Jen, but don’t think you can call me after your date, being all girly, and tell me all about it. That’s Steve’s area of expertise, not mine, got it?” Chris groans and visibly shudders at the thought.

Jensen laughs at his friend, knowing Chris likes to be all macho and avoid any kind of ‘girl talk’. “Alright, I’m reading ya loud and clear. Now, get out of here, Jared should be showing up any minute.”

“Fine, I’m going,” Chris laughs softly as he opens the door, turning back to Jensen with a genuine smile on his face. “I really am glad he finally came around, Jen, you deserve to be happy.”

Instead of responding verbally, Jensen simply sends his friend a grateful smile and then Chris closes the door behind himself. Grabbing his black jacket from where it lies carelessly on his computer chair, he slips it on and puts his wallet in his back pocket. Heading back into the bathroom, he opens the medicine cabinet and takes out his contacts. He remembers how much Jared liked it the last time he wore them and figures he will appreciate them this time as well. Jensen usually likes wearing his glasses, the contacts can be a bit of a hassle sometimes, but he is willing to wear them so long as it makes Jared happy.

Having nothing else to do but wait, he takes a seat on his bed. Not wanting to appear as though he is sitting there anxiously staring at the door for the moment Jared will walk through - even if that is exactly what he is doing - he picks up a book from his nightstand and lays it open in his lap. 

Not even a minute later, the door opens and Jared enters the room. A bright smile grows on his face the moment he spots Jensen sitting on his bed, making Jensen blush and gives him a small smile of his own. Jared takes his car keys out of the pocket of his grey-blue jacket and dangles them in the air, asking if he is ready to head out. Jensen nods his head, places his book back on the nightstand, and stands up.

They leave the room and proceed to walk down the hall, side by side. Trying to look inconspicuous, Jared leans over into Jensen’s personal space and says, “You smell really good, by the way.”

Jensen’s lips turn up in a smile and he glances at Jared out of the corner of his eye. “Thanks. You don’t smell too bad yourself.” He says this with a smirk, trying not to laugh.

“I should, I stole some of your cologne before I went to class.” Jared chuckles lightly, looking at Jensen with smiling eyes.

“Gee, really, I hadn’t noticed,” Jensen says with a roll of his eyes, though his voice is lacking any real heat.

“What can I say, I need to buy some cologne, I ran out. Besides, yours smells awfully good and I definitely don’t mind smelling like you throughout the day.”

“Oh, I’m sure you don’t,” Jensen doesn’t even try to stifle the laugh that escapes, pushing Jared and saying, “Come on, let’s just get to the theater before the movie starts.”

**:0Ж0:**

“So, what movie do you want to see?” Jared asks as they look at the posters that are currently playing at the cinema.

“I dunno, almost all of them sound good,” Jensen replies while looking between two of the movie posters, contemplating between them. “What do you think about seeing Dogma?”

“You must’ve read my mind ‘cause I was just thinking the same thing,” Jared smiles.

Instead of replying, Jensen simply grabs a hold of Jared’s arm and proceeds to drag him into the building. When he pulls out his money, however, to pay the lady at the ticket booth Jared slaps his hand and takes out his own wallet. Jensen protests, saying he can afford to pay, but this all falls on deaf ears.

Having Jared pay for their date kind of makes Jensen feel like a girl, but he also can’t help smiling at the fact that Jared wants this to be his treat. It doesn’t mean Jensen is going to let him get away with it, of course, but it is still nice all the same. He is determined to at least pay for something on their date, though. He won’t allow Jared to pay for everything. Jensen may be gay, but he is in no way a girl, and he would feel funny if he didn’t at least spend some of his money on their date.

When they move on to the snack area, Jensen asks what Jared wants. Jared, as expected, starts to protest immediately, once he figures out that Jensen intends on paying for their food. Jensen is nothing but determined though, and eventually Jared has no choice but to give in.

Once they have their drinks, popcorn, and Jared’s skittles, they head off in the direction of the room playing the movie they have come to see. Jared opens the door for Jensen, smiling widely as he does so, and Jensen has to refrain from laughing in amusement. He always figured going on a date with Jared would be an experience to remember, but this is just ridiculous. Jared is treating him like a girl, which might be because he has never gone on a date with a guy before, but Jensen makes a mental note to show him that he doesn’t have to be such a gentleman with him. There will be none of this, opening doors for him, paying for everything, and _definitely_ no pulling out chairs.

Instead of saying anything and embarrassing Jared, or worse, ruining their date, Jensen slides past Jared and waits for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. He is just glad that they arrived before the movie started; trying to navigate your way through darkness is just a pain in the ass.

Approaching the rows of seats set up in the decent sized theater, Jared suggests they sit toward the back where it will be less likely that anyone will sit too close to them. Jensen agrees and makes his way towards the far left side of the room and sitting down in the middle of the row - Jared’s suggestion, since he figures no one would try to sit with them if there weren’t enough open seats on either side of them. They settle in their seats and place the popcorn in the middle of them so they can both reach it.

A moment later the previews begin and the whole theater descends into darkness with only the screen giving off any light. Jared comments on the preview once it is over, saying how that it looks like one of the stupidest movies ever made, and Jensen laughs because he has to agree.

Jared continues to comment on each preview that is played, reaching over and grabbing handfuls of popcorn. Jensen fights hard not to laugh; not only because what Jared is saying is funny, but because as he watches Jared stuff his face with popcorn and he can’t help thinking he is like a Hoover vacuum. He decides to keep this thought to himself, knowing that the comment would only earn him a glare, or a punch to the arm.

Jared eventually shuts his mouth as soon as the movie begins and they both get more comfortable in their seats, or as comfortable as they can get in these crappy chairs. The theater has filled up fairly well, yet the closest people to them are a few rows in front. They can sit and watch the movie in peace, and enjoy each other’s company without worrying over anyone looking at them strangely.

Halfway into the movie Jared reaches over and takes Jensen’s hand in his own, the darkness hiding their entwined fingers. Jensen glances over to see Jared’s eyes fixated on the screen, though he can tell the movie doesn’t have his attention. A smile slowly forms on his face as he turns his attention back to the movie, lightly squeezing Jared’s hand to express his happiness without saying a single word.

When Jared squeezes his hand in return, Jensen feels himself relax further in the other man’s presence and allows himself to enjoy the movie with the knowledge that Jared’s sitting next to him and that this is their first date.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared parks his vehicle in the empty parking lot of a nearby park and they both climb out, almost shutting the doors in sync. They had both decided that they weren’t ready to head back to the dorm just yet, and they didn’t feel like going anywhere crowded. Jared suggested they go to the deserted park so they could have some privacy and be free to be themselves.

Jared hasn’t said anything about how he is feeling, but he really doesn’t have to; Jensen can sense it. Jared may want to give them a chance, but he isn’t ready for any kind of public displays of affection. He is afraid of anyone finding out he is bisexual. He is fine with his friends knowing, but he isn’t ready to be himself out in public; he doesn’t want anyone to see them and know they are on a date. He is afraid of the reaction their kind of relationship will bring them.

Jensen can’t blame him; he was freaked out when he first discovered, and accepted, that he was gay. Hell, he and Brian didn’t act like a couple in public, either. There is no way he can fault Jared for being scared. It is all a part of the process of accepting your sexuality. Jensen can wait for Jared to be ready. He knows his patience will be worth it when all is said and done.

Jensen refrains from taking hold of Jared’s hand; at least until they are further into the park where it is less likely that anyone will spot them from the street. He knows Jared would probably freak out if he did, so he is not going to risk ruining their date in any way. At first, he had been reluctant to give this a try, but now he is glad that he took the chance. Despite being afraid of getting hurt, he really does want to be with Jared, and he knows he would regret it if he didn’t at least make the effort to see if this can work.

“I’m really having a good time,” Jared practically whispers, a rare blush coloring his cheeks as he looks down at the sidewalk beneath his feet. “I’m glad you agreed to go out with me tonight, I was almost convinced that you’d never allow this to happen.”

“I almost didn’t,” Jensen admits with a small smile. “I realized you were already under my skin though, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’d be stupid of me to deny it any longer, to deny myself. You have to understand where I was coming from, though. I mean, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to give us a shot.”

“I understand, Jensen, I really do. You were afraid of being a rebound for me, and I can’t say that I blame you. A rebound is far from what you really are to me, though. You will always be my best friend, but along the way I realized that something had changed between us, something I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge at first,” Jared says softly as they wander deeper into the park, the street nowhere in sight. “You were right to reject me, even I knew that, but that doesn’t mean I was going to give up. I knew what I wanted; I only had to convince you of that.”

“I think I’m starting to believe it,” Jensen replies shyly, looking up at Jared through his lashes.

“Good, ‘cause while I’m willing to wait as long as it takes to convince you, I’d really like to see where this takes us now rather than later,” Jared responds with a wide, dimpled smile.

Jensen can’t keep the smile off his face when Jared takes his hand in his own, entwining their fingers. He doesn’t say anything, in fear of Jared freaking out because they are out in public, and he just glances up and lets his eyes express how much he approves the bold move. Jared briefly tightens his hold on Jensen’s hand before relaxing.

They walk along the sidewalk at a leisurely pace and simply enjoy one another’s company. They continue further down the path until they find a picnic table and take a seat, resting their backs against the table top. Silence has befallen them, but it isn’t uncomfortable or awkward, and neither one finds themselves wanting to break it.

The cold night air begins to affect Jensen after ten minutes of sitting still and he finds himself beginning to shiver. Jared realizes this and wraps his arm around him, pulling him in closer to share body heat. Jensen smiles up at him gratefully and snuggles further into the warm embrace.

“I know we just went on our first date, and I really don’t want to push my luck, but I’d really like to make this thing between us official,” Jared says softly, glancing down at the man in his arms. “I want you to be my boyfriend, Jensen. What do you think of that idea? You can say no, I don’t want to push you or anything, but I’d really like it if you said yes.”

Jensen pretends to ponder this for a second, pulling a face just for good measure. “Of course, I’d like that. It’s all I’ve wanted for quite a while now,” he responds, poking Jared in the side teasingly and smiling like a loon.

Jared simply smiles in return before glancing around them, making sure they are indeed alone, and then leaning down and capturing Jensen’s awaiting lips. Jensen instantly welcomes Jared’s tongue and wraps his arms around his neck, getting lost in the kiss and blocking the whole world out.


	7. Being Consumed By You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Six:**  
 _Being Consumed By You_  
-~*~-

  
January 3rd, 2000

Jensen shifts over onto his stomach as he lies on his bed, his walkman turned up high as he listens to AC/DC. The last few weeks haven’t been the easiest on him but he is doing his best to put up a front. Jared had gone back home for Christmas and New Years to spend time with his family, as did most of their friends, but Jensen had decided to stay in California. He knows Mackenzie wanted him to come home for the holidays but he wasn’t ready to face the rest of his family so he elected to stay put. This hadn’t pleased his sister, but she understood and made him promise to visit as soon as he possibly could.

It was tough not having Jared around for two weeks; they had grown quite a bit closer since they started dating, but he dealt with it the best that he could. He had wanted to go to Texas and spend the holidays with Jared and his family but Jared practically freaked over just the idea of it. Jensen had said he could tag along as a friend and Jared’s family wouldn’t have to know the true aspect of their relationship but Jared was too paranoid, saying his mother would know the instant she laid eyes on them.

Needless to say, Jensen decided not to put up too much of an argument over it, knowing it would get him nowhere anyway, and just waved Jared off when the time came. He hadn’t particularly wanted to be alone during Christmas but it was either that or go back home and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He just hopes Jared warms up to the idea of them by the time next Christmas rolls around; he would like to eventually meet his boyfriend’s family, after all.

They had spoken almost every night while Jared was away but it just wasn’t the same and Jensen couldn’t help feeling so very alone. He missed waking up to Jared’s bouncy, hyper self and awaiting dimpled grin. Kind of hard to believe since Jensen isn’t much of a morning person and Jared can sometimes manage to make him grumpier than normal, but Jensen realized how much he missed it once Jared was no longer around.

_He's on his way home though_ , Jensen reminds himself with a smile. _God, I've missed him so much._

Jared is supposed to be arriving sometime this afternoon, Chris was going to pick him up from the airport since Jensen still doesn't know how to drive. He was in a bad accident when he was just a boy and has had this irrational fear of driving ever since. Jared says he is going to teach him though, no matter how much he fights him on it. Jensen can't help but smile at the thought; it is just so Jared to try to help people, even if just in the smallest of ways. That is one of the things he loves about his boyfriend and he would never want to change him.

Jensen is pulled out of his thoughts when his cell starts vibrating against the bed. A smile instantly lights up his face when he looks at the caller ID. He takes off his headphones and answers the call.

“'Bout time I hear from you, I was about to send out a search party,” Jensen jokes pleasantly, awaiting the sound of that familiar voice in return.

“Glad it didn’t come to that, don’t need everyone knowing how paranoid you can get,” Jared responds teasingly.

“Man, it’s good to hear your voice.” Jensen practically whispers into the phone, holding onto it as if he were holding onto Jared instead.

“You talked to me yesterday,” Jared laughs heartily, smile clear in his voice. Jensen can picture his boyfriend shaking his head in amusement.

“I know, but… I guess it’s just better knowing you’re on your way home, is all,” Jensen smiles into the receiver. “I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. When are you gonna be here? Has Chris shown up yet?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling,” Jared sighs and Jensen automatically knows he is going to be left disappointed. “My parents begged me to stay another night, have a going away dinner with them, and I couldn’t possibly say no.”

“Oh, I see,” Jensen sighs, though he is trying to not to let on to how upset he is. _Jared doesn’t need tha_ t, he reminds himself repeatedly.

“Look, I’m sorry Jen, I know how much you were looking forward to me getting back today. I promise to make it up to you, though. Besides, I’ll be coming home tomorrow for sure, that’s not that far away.” Jared tries to placate him, though it doesn’t really work.

“Yeah, I know, you’re right. I didn’t mean to bring you down. I know it’s been a while since you’ve been back home. Have fun with your family and I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jensen says in the calmest voice he can muster. “Don’t think you won’t be making it up to me though. You better have something good planned.”

“Don’t worry, I have something in mind that you’ll love,” Jared responds mischievously. “Thanks for understanding, Jen.”

“I miss you.” Jensen just can’t stop himself from saying it. Ever since they got together they have practically been joined at the hip. Now, being away from him for so long just seems foreign and wrong.

“Same here,” Jared responds instead of reciprocating and Jensen figures he doesn’t want his parents overhearing him so he lets it go. “Look, I have to go for now, but I’ll call you again as soon as I get back from dinner with my parents.”

“Alright, you have a good time and I’ll talk to you tonight.”

“Bye,” Jared says sounding distracted and Jensen can hear muffled voices in the background.

“Bye Jay.”

Jensen ends the call and drops his cell down on the bed beside him with a heavy sigh. He can’t deny that he is disappointed that Jared will be staying in Texas for another day, which just makes him feel guilty and selfish. He knows how much his family means to his boyfriend, and he doesn’t get to see them nearly as much as he would like.

But Jensen was really looking forward to seeing his boyfriend after such a long time of being apart. He hasn’t had much to look forward to these past two weeks, but today that was different. Now his hopes have been dashed and his good day has turned sour. He can’t help feeling a little depressed about it all.

Sure, it is just one more day, but his mind is stubbornly stuck on the fact that Jared should be back with him today. He feels terrible for these selfish thoughts though, because he knows if he were on good terms with his family he would want to spend time with them as well.

Hating the way he is feeling and not wanting to give into his depression, he lays down on his side and turns his walkman down to a bearable volume. He closes his eyes and lets AC/DC lull him into a restless sleep.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen forces his eyes open with a groan and, disoriented, tries to figure out what woke him up with a start. Eyebrows creased in confusion, he glances around with sleepy eyes but is still very much clueless. He lets out another groan when there is a knock on the door, knowing instantly that was the source of his abrupt escape from his dream, and pushes himself up from his comfortable position on his bed.

He stumbles slightly as he makes his way over to the door, his body feeling sluggish. He unlocks and opens it to reveal Chris’ and Steve’s smiling faces. Well, Chris has more of a smirk on his face than a smile, but Jensen is used to that.

He mumbles something close to “go away” and doesn’t even close the door as he makes his way back to his bed, throwing himself down and curling up into a comfortable position once more. Chris chuckles as they enter the room and close the door behind them. Steve tries coaxing him to get out of bed but Jensen just protests grumpily and refuses to comply. Chris pats him on the butt and says they are going to make him get up whether he likes it or not and Jensen knows he means it.

A grunt escapes his parted lips as he pushes himself up into a sitting position and fixes the best glare he can manage on his friends. Chris rolls his eyes, showing the glare has no effect on him, and simply pulls Jensen’s closet door open. Jensen watches him for a moment with a raised brow and then turns to Steve, who is sitting casually on Jared’s bed.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asks the burning question, finally.

“Heard Jared wasn’t coming home as he’d planned so we decided to come get your ass out of here for a little while. You can’t stay in your room like this, people will start thinking you’re a hermit,” Chris answers him, though he was looking at Steve when he asked the question.

“It can’t be healthy Jen,” Steve adds. “How long have you holed yourself up in here? The whole two weeks of vacation?”

“It’s not gonna kill me,” Jensen grumbles, refusing to look at Steve. “Besides, it’s not like I do this all the time.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’re coming over to our house for a while,” Chris says firmly as he drops a change of clothes onto Jensen’s lap. “It won’t hurt you to hole yourself up in our house for a while, at least there you’ll have company.”

Knowing better than to start an argument, Jensen snatches up the clothes and reluctantly heads into the bathroom, glowering when he hears the sounds of triumph from his friends. He shuts the door behind him and takes a look at the clothes Chris picked out for him.

_Why do I always allow him to dress me?_ Jensen silently questions with a shake of his head.

He quickly changes into the fresh pair of clothes, enjoying the smell of Tide laundry soap, and runs a brush through his short hair. He doesn’t bother with putting any contacts in, Jared’s not here anyway, and cleans the lens of his glasses so he can see a little clearer. Putting on some deodorant and not even bothering with any cologne, he exits the bathroom and gives his friends a frown. It is all for show though, because he starting to warm up to the idea of spending some time with his friends. He has been alone for far too long and it will be good to have some company for once.

Chris gives him a nod of approval while Steve simply smiles kindly. Without so much as a word, they walk over to the door and motion for Jensen to follow them. He does so silently and locks the door behind them. Sticking his key in his pocket, they walk down the deserted hallway and chat quietly between them. Chris is talking about a new gig they landed, saying they have a week to practice and that Jensen should come check it out.

Jensen hasn’t had the pleasure of seeing them perform yet and has been eager to get the chance. He has heard many good things about them from his friends, Jared is always talking highly of their talent, and all the hype has intrigued him. Now that he will have the opportunity to see them for himself he is excited, anxious.

“Yeah, that’d be awesome. I’ve heard good things about you guys, kinda been wantin’ to check it out for myself,” Jensen admits honestly. “Where’s it gonna be?”

“This little place called the Roadside Bar,” Chris answers.

“Uh, I’m not exactly twenty-one yet, I won’t be able to get in,” Jensen replies glumly, feeling the excitement draining out of him.

“Don’t even worry about that, I’m close friends with the owner, I’ll be able to get you guys in,” Chris responds in a dismissive manner.

Before Jensen can say anything in response to that his cell phone vibrates against his leg and he pulls it out of his pocket. Glancing at the screen, a frown forms when he doesn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?” Jensen asks confusion clear in his voice.

His confusion deepens when the person on the other end remains silent, only their breathing giving them away. “Hey Jen,” he hears a moment later.

Jensen stops dead in his tracks when he hears the familiar voice of his brother; he swears he can literally feel his blood freeze in his veins. “Josh?” His voice comes out almost inaudible, a slight hint of a shake to it. Chris and Steve are watching him with curious eyes but he just motions for them to continue on without him, wanting this conversation to be private. They take the hint and quickly walk away, saying they will meet him at the car.

“Hey there lil bro, bet you weren’t expecting to hear from me,” Josh replies with a nervous laugh, Jensen can imagine him running a hand through his hair like he has always done when he feels awkward.

“I, uh… it’s good t-to hear from you,” Jensen stumbles over his words. “I had pretty much given up any hope of you ever talking to me again.”

There is a sigh on the other end before his brother speaks again, “I’m really sorry for giving you that impression Jensen, I’ve been a jerk these past few months. You probably think I hate you.”

“It had crossed my mind, no denying that,” Jensen whispers, a rush of breath escaping his mouth. “I don’t blame you, though, I know I shocked y’all with my confession. Some part of me knew, with the way we were raised, that you guys wouldn’t accept me. Still… it hurt, ya know. When I talk to mom I can hear the disappointment in her voice and dad won’t even speak to me.”

“Sure, it was hard to come to terms with at first, but you’re still my brother and I love ya as much as I always have,” Josh responds, sadness in his voice. “Mom and dad are in the wrong, they have no excuse for pushing you out of their lives. They’ll regret it one day, Jen, trust me on that. They’ll come around eventually; just gotta give them time to process everything and overcome their issues our religion has instilled in them.”

“You really don’t hate me?” Jensen asks tearfully, his mind only wrapping around that part of what Josh has said.

“Of course not, man, you’re my brother, I could never hate you,” Josh responds like it is the craziest thing he has ever heard. “Like I said, it took me some time to adjust to it, and I’m sorry it took me so long, but I will always love ya… it doesn’t matter to me who you choose to love, you’re still the same person inside.”

“Thanks so much for that Josh, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that,” Jensen says, suppressing a sob of relief and joy. “I had truly thought I’d lost all of my family, well, besides Mack. You guys seemed so disgusted, no one would even talk to me. Things were really bad for the last week I was at home. I didn’t think anyone wanted to see me again.”

“I’m so sorry for hurting you Jensen, I didn’t realize at the time what my actions were doing to you,” Jensen can hear the shame in his brother’s voice and all he wants to do is comfort him, tell him everything is forgiven. “I just needed time to process everything, you never lost me.”

“I’m glad to hear that, ‘cause while I refuse to feel ashamed for who I am, I didn’t want to lose my family, either. It means a lot to know you‘re still in my life.”

“I realize how tough it must’ve been to come out to the family, especially knowing how religious mom and dad are. I hope you can forgive me for being so inconsiderate, Jen.”

“Already been done, like I said, I’m just glad you’re still in my life, man.” Jensen reassures his brother, smiling the entire time.

“Oh, and before I forget, Mackenzie and I were thinking about coming out there for a visit in three days. Do you think that will be okay or are you too busy?”

“I have class, but that won’t be a problem. I’d love for you guys to come out, you should know that already,” Jensen replies, excited about the idea of seeing his brother and sister after so many months.

“Alright, then plan on seeing us in three days. When we arrive I’ll give you a call, or send you a text, to let you know,” Josh says with a hint of a smile in his voice. “I’ll let you go for now, but I’ll talk to you again soon.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later. It was great hearing from you, Josh, it really made my day better.”

“Same here, man. Oh, and I’m really proud of you Jen, not just for getting into college but for having the courage to be yourself. Don’t lose that, ya hear me!”

“Yeah, I hear ya,” Jensen responds happily, a smile stretched from ear to ear. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Jensen ends the call feeling as though he is in a daze, everything is just so surreal right now. He never expected Josh to call him, and he never thought he would hear his brother say those things. He had thought his brother was lost to him, but now he knows that is not the case. His brother is actually proud of him for having the strength to be who he is and not care what anyone else thinks. Josh isn’t disgusted or ashamed of him and that just takes a huge weight off his shoulders.

What was turning out to be a horrible day for Jensen has just become a little lighter and he feels like he can breathe a little easier. He has his brother back in his life and already he feels as though everything might be okay. Sure, his parents don’t want anything to do with him, but that is really their loss, isn’t it? They are the ones who disowned him, he shouldn’t be the one to feel bad about that. They made their choice and they will have to live with that decision. Maybe one day he will be able to forgive them, if they come to want it, but as of right now he just doesn’t see how he could.

Having Josh and Mackenzie is a step in the right direction though, and he is going to be thankful for what he has been given. He has his brother, sister, Jared, and the friends he has come to make while here in LA and that is really all he needs.

**:0Ж0:**

Finally, they pull up into the driveway of Chris and Steve’s two bedroom bungalow and step out of the vehicle. He follows them up to the front door and waits patiently while Chris unlocks it. Once they are inside the cozy house, Jensen makes a beeline for the couch and plops down onto it. He has only been here a select few times but he has fallen in love with their couch. Makes him feel a little foolish, but it is just so comfortable.

Chris and Steve had immediately questioned him about his phone call when he met them at the car, and he had told them a little about what was going on, but thankfully they didn’t ask for the whole story. He told them just enough to placate them and then they dropped the subject. Maybe they realized it was a touchy subject; Jensen isn’t too sure, but he is just thankful that they didn’t push him for details.

Chris heads off to his bedroom right away but Jensen pays him little attention. Steve joins him in the living room after making a quick trip into the kitchen. Jensen raises an eyebrow when he sees that he has brought no drink or food with him, idly wondering what the point in going into the kitchen was. Steve stares at him for a moment before asking him to follow him into the kitchen. Jensen watches him for a moment, wondering what the hell is going on, and then reluctantly stands up.

“Why are we going into the kitchen?” he asks as he follows along behind.

“We’re not going into the kitchen, I’m taking you to the backyard. I have something to show you.” Steve responds cryptically, seemingly refusing to elaborate any further.

“Uh, okay, then,” Jensen says slowly, raising an eyebrow incredulously. “It’s a mystery, then, not gonna explain this to me?”

“Nope, you have to see it for yourself.” Steve looks over his shoulder and gives Jensen a smile as he slides the back door open. “Go on, then.”

Jensen gives his friend a weird look and then walks around him. Once he steps outside he freezes and takes in the sight before him. His brows crease in confusion when he takes in the lawn table sitting in the middle of the concrete back porch, table cloth thrown over it with a candle in the middle. The table is set for two; plates full of beef roast, garlic mashed potatoes and French green beans.

_What the hell?_ His mind draws a blank in confusion. _What is Steve trying to tell me?_

He jumps, startled, when behind him he hears, “Do you like it?”

Jensen's eyes light up from the sound of _that_ voice and he whirls around, taking in the sight of the man in front of him. Jared is leaning against the door jamb with a soft smile on his face, arms crossed over his chest. Jensen just stands there in shock for a moment and then he is rushing forward, wrapping Jared up in his arms. Jared releases a soft laugh as he wraps his arms around Jensen, pulling him closer to his body.

“I thought you weren’t coming home today,” Jensen whispers against Jared’s shoulder where part of his face is hidden.

“Yeah, I told you a little white lie, sorry. I wanted to surprise you,” Jared replies softly, resting his cheek on top of Jensen’s head. “Do you like it?”

“I love it,” Jensen replies as he lifts his head, smiling softly at his boyfriend.

“I’m no chef or anything but I made dinner for you. I hope it isn’t too terrible,” Jared says with that dimpled grin of his. “I wanted to do something special for you, have been planning it ever since I left for Texas.”

“No one’s ever done anything like this for me before, I’m a little overwhelmed,” Jensen admits with a soft laugh, beaming up a Jared. “Thank you Jay, this is amazing.”

“You’re welcome Jen, I’m just glad I’ve been able to make you happy,” Jared whispers, lips so close to Jensen’s that they brush as he talks. “Though, if the dinner sucks, don’t hold it against me. I don’t cook very often, never really had the need to. I did practice when I was at home though, so it might not be _too_ horrible.”

“Jared,” Jensen breathes out softly.

“Yeah.”

“Shut up now and kiss me.”

Jared complies happily, leaning down and capturing Jensen’s lips in a tender kiss. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s neck, the fingers of his right hand sliding into the hair at the back of Jared’s head, tilting it for a better angle. Jared rests one hand on Jensen’s hip as the other presses against the small of his back.

The moment Jensen feels Jared’s tongue sliding across his bottom lip he opens his mouth and welcomes him inside. Jared sighs gratefully as his tongue slides into the warm, wet cavern and begins to explore every familiar crevice. Jensen almost moans when the taste of cinnamon explodes on his taste buds. Jared is always popping Cinnamon Certs into his mouth and Jensen has become addicted to it.

Jared is the one to pull away moments later, albeit reluctantly, and smiles at Jensen while his heavy breathing slowly returns to normal. Jensen allows himself to be led to the table and sits down across from his boyfriend. He examines the contents on the table once more, taking note of the wine, and smiles to himself.

“Where’d you get the wine?” he asks curiously, staring across the table at his boyfriend in wonder.

“Begged Jeff to buy it for me. Took me a while but he eventually broke down,” Jared replies with laughing eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you liked wine, but I was hoping you did. No other drink seemed appropriate for this, ya know.”

“I’ve had wine once, at my brother’s wedding,” Jensen says with a nod of his head.

Conversation dies down for the moment as they both take their first taste of the dinner Jared has prepared. Jensen practically moans in delight when the roast meets his tongue and he looks up at Jared with approval on his face. Jared practically beams in return and Jensen takes the opportunity to try the rest of the contents on his plate, closing his eyes out of pure joy.

“This is great, Jay, you underestimate yourself,” Jensen says as soon as he is finished chewing.

“It’s my mom’s recipe. I figured you’d enjoy it… that is, if I cooked it right, of course,” Jared smiles bashfully at the compliment. “I’m sure it’s not as good as hers but I’m glad you like it nonetheless.”

“Trust me, this is delicious,” Jensen assures him before continuing to eat.

“Thanks,” Jared practically whispers, keeping his eyes on Jensen the entire time, a soft look within them.

An easy silence envelopes them as they eat, enjoying one another’s company, just glad to be together again. Jensen is surprised by how much he missed the other man; he has never felt this close with another person before. Jared was only away for two weeks but it had felt like much longer. Jensen isn’t quite sure how to feel about that but he’s not exactly upset about it. He could very well be in love with Jared and, even though he doesn’t think he should mention this to him because it might scare him away, he is going to embrace it.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared takes their empty plates into the kitchen and then leads Jensen over to the swing at the far end of the backyard. They sit down beside one another, Jared wrapping an arm around him while Jensen cuddles into his side. It is nearly pitch black where the swing is located, the porch light too far away to reach it, and they both relish the peaceful air between them.

Jensen stares down at their hands as Jared entwines their fingers, lightly caressing the skin of his index finger, and smiles softly. These are the moments he loves the most; being alone with Jared and not caring about anything else. The intimacy of the moment is palpable and Jensen can’t help feeling butterflies in the pit of his stomach. It is a moment that just feels special and he doesn’t want it to end. They don’t get many opportunities to be like this so he treasures them whenever they occur.

Jensen leans his head against Jared’s chest and lets out a soft sigh of contentment, closing his eyes with a small smile on his face. For the next few minutes they just sit like this, in silence, as he listens to Jared’s heartbeat. It is a sound that he finds calms him and puts him at ease.

“Josh called me today.” Jensen breaks the stillness suddenly, voice sounding loud in the silence around them.

Jared’s arms tighten around his waist as he stares down at him in concern. “What did he want? He didn’t call just to hurt you some more, did he?”

“Surprisingly, no, he didn’t. He actually told me that he’s sorry for how he reacted, for not talking to me in months.” Jensen murmurs.

“Better late than never, I suppose,” Jared mutters, still not sounding too happy with Jensen’s brother.

“He told me that he’s proud of me, for having the courage to be myself. Can you believe it? I never expected him to say that to me. Then again, I never expected him to talk to me again either.”

“That’s great Jen. I mean, it’s a step in the right direction, yeah? At least he realized he was in the wrong and was man enough to admit it. Now you guys can work on mending things.”

“He and Mack are coming out in three days to visit me. I want you to meet them.” Jensen looks up at Jared as he says this, afraid that he will refuse.

Jared looks kind of hesitant to accept and Jensen tries not to let his emotions show on his face. He has the feeling he is going to be disappointed and it is not sitting right with him. He really wants Jared to meet the two people that mean the world to him and he wants his brother and sister to meet the guy who holds his heart. Jared is so damn afraid of anybody knowing about them though. Jensen can’t say that isn’t difficult to handle, especially when he cares so much for Jared that he wants everyone to know.

He knows he can’t change the way that Jared feels, he can’t take that fear away, but he wishes he would be willing to at least try. It isn’t like Mackenzie is going to look down on him for being gay and he highly doubts Josh will, either. They know Jensen is gay and they have no problems with it, so why would they judge Jared? He can’t say this to Jared, of course, it will just piss him off.

“Alright,” Jared finally says, smiling a bit nervously.

To say Jensen is shocked would be an understatement, he was almost positive that Jared would tell him that he wasn’t ready for that. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Jared smiles a little more sincerely when he says this. “I’d like to meet them.”

“Thank you Jared, you don’t realize how much this means to me.”

“I think I have an idea.” Jared replies with a slight laugh as he gathers Jensen in his arms once more and kisses his forehead softly.

“So, how was the visit with your family?” Jensen asks out of genuine curiosity. “What did you all do while you were there?”

“We did the usual things,” Jared replies and Jensen can feel him shrug his shoulder. “We didn’t really do anything special, I basically just spent as much time with them as I could.”

“Bet your sister was glad to see you.”

“Yeah, she was, practically mauled me the second I came through the door.” Jared laughs softly at the thought of his sister. “It felt really good seeing her again, though, and I thought my mom was going to cry when I met up with her at the airport.”

“Shows how much she really cares about you. It’s good to have that bond, don’t take it for granted,” Jensen whispers softly, melancholy sweeping through him as he thinks about his own mom.

“Hey,” Jared lightly shakes him. “Now’s not the time for sadness, you’re supposed to be happy.”

“I am happy,” Jensen says as he lifts his head to look at his boyfriend. “I’m here with you and I couldn’t be happier.”

Jared simply gives him a small smile before leaning down and capturing his lips in a bruising kiss. When he pulls Jensen’s bottom lip into his mouth and lightly nibbles on it Jensen surrenders and kisses back just as passionately. He turns in the embrace to wrap his arms around Jared’s waist while Jared’s hand flies up to the back of his head, holding him in place.

Jensen parts his lips wider as an open invitation and Jared seeks out his tongue, pulling it into his mouth with his teeth. Jensen tries to hold back a moan but it ends up escaping, quickly being swallowed by Jared. His breath hitches in his throat when he feels one of Jared’s hands slip beneath his shirt, lightly caressing the sensitive skin of his side. He tries to hold in his laughter but can’t hold back in the end. Low pitched giggles rise from his throat, though he will never admit to making such a sound, and he squirms away from Jared’s torturous fingers.

“What a way to ruin the moment, Jen,” Jared says teasingly, eyes dancing in amusement.

“Yeah, I know, but I can’t help it that my sides are so damn ticklish,” Jensen defends weakly, crimson blossoming on his cheeks. “If your wandering fingers hadn’t persisted on torturing my side I never would’ve ruined the moment.”

“Maybe you should’ve told me you were ticklish there, then,” Jared retorts playfully.

“Oh, and have you use it against me? Ha, I don’t think so! No, there is no…”

Jensen is effectively quieted when Jared lunges at him, grabbing the back of his head and crushing their lips together once more. He all too happily allows Jared‘s method of distraction, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him in closer.

When they break apart Jensen leans his head on Jared’s shoulder, burying his face against his neck. He breathes in the scent of Dove soap and candy, smiling softly to himself. These scents will always remind him of Jared from now on and he can’t help finding that oddly comforting.


	8. Touching Heaven

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Seven:**  
 _Touching Heaven_  
-~*~-

“Jared, what is taking so long?” Jensen calls as he pulls on his jacket and slides his cell into the pocket of his jeans.

Jared ran into the bathroom about twenty minutes ago, with a bunch of clothes in his arms, and he hasn’t resurfaced since. Jensen’s beginning to think he died in there. They are supposed to meet up with his brother and sister at Jack in the Box, they have ten minutes to get there, and Jared is taking his sweet ass time. Jensen doesn’t understand what is taking him so long, he usually doesn’t take very long to get ready.

Jared finally emerges from the bathroom, looking less than pleased and a little nervous. Jensen can’t help smiling at the sight of his boyfriend, finding him more appealing than ever, and this earns him a displeased scowl. Jared huffs in irritation as he stalks over to his bed, sits down and begins to put his boots on his feet. Jensen watches in amusement, arms crossed over his chest, smile barely suppressed.

“Why are you stressing yourself out over this?”

“I’m meeting your family man, how can that not stress me out? What if they don’t like me? What if they can tell right away, just by looking at us, that there’s more than just friendship between us?” Jared asks, looking more and more stressed by the minute.

“You’re just meeting my brother and sister, Jay, you shouldn’t be freaking out over this. I know they’re gonna love you. They’re not as scary as you think they are, I think you’ll get along very well in fact.” Jensen tries to calm Jared’s fears, moving across the space between their beds to sit next to him, rubbing his tense shoulders.

“Even if they do figure us out, which more than likely won’t happen, they aren’t going to care,” Jensen continues, talking in a soothing voice. “They accept me, so what makes you think they won’t accept you?”

Jared takes a calming breath before turning to look at Jensen. “You’re right, I’m stressing myself out over nothing. I guess I’m just so nervous ‘cause I know how my family would react and I’m just assuming your family would think the same way and look down on me. It’s stupid, I know, and I’m sorry for being such an idiot. I don’t know why, I just really want them to like me, I guess.”

Jensen can’t deny that he is overjoyed that Jared doesn’t want to make a bad impression with Josh and Mack. It shows that this meeting is important to him and that just makes Jensen so damn happy. That Jared would care so much means a lot to Jensen. He is pretty positive that his brother and sister will love Jared though, it is something you just can’t help. Jared has a way of drawing people to him, leaving a lasting impression.

Ever since Jensen mentioned his roommate Mackenzie has wanted to meet him. She knows how Jensen feels about Jared, how much he means to him. If anyone were to support them and their relationship it would be her, he just wishes he could get Jared to see that. He understands where Jared is coming from, but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier.

He can only hope that once Jared meets his brother and sister he will realize that he can trust them enough to be himself, know that they won’t judge him in any way. All he wants is for the people closest to him to get along. He also wants Jared to open up and not be afraid of being who he is. They can’t act like a couple in public; the only time they can be affectionate is when they’re alone or with their friends, so it would be nice to not have to hide when they are with Mack and Josh as well.

“Are you ready to meet them now? We’re probably gonna be a little bit late, but that doesn’t matter, they aren’t gonna care,” Jensen says as he stands up, offering a hand to Jared. _They’ll probably tease us though_ , he thinks fondly to himself.

“Yeah, I think I’m more than ready. I especially want to meet your sister since you’re so close with her, she sounds like a really nice girl.”

“She’s awesome, I’m sure you’re gonna love her,” Jensen assures as they exit their room and head toward the parking lot.

Jared seems calmer now and Jensen is grateful for it. He stills appears a little nervous, which is to be expected, but he isn’t freaking out like he was moments ago. Jensen honestly believes he has nothing to worry about though. He knows Mack and Josh very well, especially his sister, and he knows she won’t look at Jared weirdly. Josh is another story - considering the fact that until a few days ago Jensen thought his brother hated him - but he has faith in him enough to believe Josh won’t have a problem.

He is glad that Jared wants to make a good impression and he is grateful that he is willing to meet them at all, but he doesn’t want Jared worrying about things prematurely, either. They decided not to say anything about their relationship unless Josh or Mack ask them directly or call them out on it and there is no guarantee that they will. They just need to cross that bridge when they get to it, there is no reason to be freaking out about it right now.

**:0Ж0:**

The moment they walk into the fast food restaurant Jensen’s eyesight falls on Mack and Josh, who are sitting in the back by one of the windows, looking around them in obvious curiosity. The sight is so welcoming, more so than Jensen was expecting, and relief washes over him in waves. It has been quite a while since he has seen anyone in his family and until now he hadn’t let himself acknowledge how much he has been missing them.

A smile of pure joy climbs onto Mackenzie’s face when she spots Jensen heading their way and she is out of the booth in an instant, rushing up to Jensen and wrapping him up in a crushing hug. Jensen gladly hugs her back, burying his face in her hair, feeling overwhelmed. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Jared standing back and watching them with a soft smile on his face.

Jensen greets Josh softly, when he pulls away from Mackenzie, tension between them. They stare at each other for a moment, feeling awkward and hesitant, and then Josh is engulfing Jensen in a tight embrace. This shocks Jensen, and for a moment he doesn’t reciprocate. Josh has never been known to be the physical type, avoids hugs like they’re the plague, so for him to initiate a hug is unknown territory.

He finally hugs his brother back, still feeling awkward yet oddly peaceful, and then they pull away from each other. Josh motions for them to take a seat at the table and soon Jensen is sitting opposite his brother and sister with Jared next to him.

“Should I go up and order?” Jared asks after a moment of awkward silence and everyone turns their attention to him. “You _were_ wanting something, right?”

“Order whatever you like, I‘m paying,” Jensen says to everyone at the table, pulling out his wallet and handing it to Jared.

Josh and Mackenzie give Jared their orders and Jensen simply asks for a chocolate shake. Jared leaves the table a second later and Jensen is alone with his brother and sister for the first time in what feels like forever. Mackenzie can’t seem to stop smiling, looking Jensen up and down as though time will have changed him so significantly. Josh looks to be at ease now, though there is guilt and sadness shining in his eyes.

Mackenzie is the one who takes the initiative by striking up an easy conversation, talking about the old days and staying clear of _that night_. Jensen smiles his gratitude and falls into the conversation, feeling as though everything is fine and normal between them. _Maybe things will be okay now between us, like they used to be_ , he thinks to himself but doesn’t say it aloud.

Jared returns moments later, placing the tray on the table and everyone reaches for their food. Jensen sips on his shake and silently watches the people around him, the people who mean the most to him in this world. Having Jared here just fits, just feels right.

“So…” Jared trails off, looking at Jensen and then nodding in Josh and Mackenzie’s direction.

“Oh, I almost forgot to make introductions,” Jensen laughs sheepishly. “Jared, this is my brother and sister, guys, this is Jared, my roommate.”

“Oh, you’re _the_ Jared.” Mack says teasingly and Jensen just wants to crawl under a rock and die and he can tell Jared is feeling the same way. His boyfriend is completely flushed and blushing shyly, smiling that awkward smile of his.

“How much do you know about me?” Jared asks tensely, looking at Jensen with wide panicked eyes.

“Enough,” she replies cryptically. “I’ve been anxious to meet you, glad to say I finally have.”

“Am I missing something?” Josh speaks up, looking at everyone in question.

Jensen chances a glance at Jared to see a blank expression on his face, though his eyes are telling him enough. He can tell that his boyfriend is a little freaked about the turn in conversation, but he also looks a little resigned. Jensen isn’t quite sure how to feel about that, or how to proceed, for that matter. He doesn’t know if Jared is willing to come out to Mack and Josh, which makes it hard for Jensen to figure out what to tell his brother and sister.

He looks pleading at Jared, silently asking for help, needing to know what to do. Any kind of reaction from Jared will help him decide what, and how much, to say to the remaining members of his family. Jared gives him a small, albeit nervous smile and nods his head slightly. Jensen sighs in relief and gives Jared a grateful smile in return.

“Might as well tell them the truth Jen. You said you didn’t want to hide anything from them and I can understand that,” Jared says honestly, looking at him with approval in his eyes.

Jensen nods his head before turning his attention to Josh and Mackenzie, holding their gazes; one confused yet curious and the other anxious and happy. “Don’t go spreading this around, ‘cause we’re not ready for everyone to know just yet, we’ve only told a select few.” Jensen starts in a firm tone of voice, wanting them to know how serious he is.

“We’re not gonna say anythin’ to anyone, Jen, you should know that.” Mack rolls her eyes as she says this, but Jensen can tell she is being sincere.

Josh nods his head in agreement before speaking, “What is it ya’ll are hiding? You can trust us, man, I hope you both believe me when I say that.”

Jensen smiles his appreciation while Jared simply nods his head. “We’re more than just roommates and friends. Jared is my boyfriend, has been for two months now.”

“You’ve been together for _two months_ now and you never said anything to me!” Mackenzie doesn’t even try to hide her shock and mild hurt. “How could you keep this from me Jen? Why would you keep it from me? Didn’t you trust me?”

“That’s not it at all,” Jared speaks up immediately. “In fact, Jensen wanted to tell you, but I asked him to keep it to ourselves for the time being. I still haven’t told my parents, and I wasn’t ready to… well, I just felt it would be best to hold off on telling anyone till we knew this was indeed serious and going somewhere.”

“Please don’t be upset with me Mack. I was gonna tell you eventually, you have to know that,” Jensen pleads softly.

“No, it’s alright, I guess I understand your reasoning. I’m just glad you’ve told me now, ‘cause I completely support you. I’m glad you’re happy,” Mackenzie says, reaching across the table and taking Jensen’s and Jared’s hands in hers, squeezing reassuringly. Jared looks surprised by this but pleased all the same.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy bro,” Josh says sincerely before turning his attention on Jared. “Better treat him right. I’ll kick your ass if you don’t.”

“I’d never do anything to hurt Jen,” Jared replies a bit defensively, holding Josh’s stare challengingly. “So save your threats.”

For a moment they simply stare each other down, hard expressions on their faces, and then Josh laughs with a look of respect on his face and Jensen can’t help feeling that Jared just passed some silent test. “You’re alright Jared, I like you. I definitely think you’re good for my brother, you both have my support.”

Jared visibly relaxes and allows an easy going smile to cross his features. “Thanks, we really appreciate that.”

“Okay, now that the macho bullshit is out of the way, can we please enjoy our time together and catch up. I’m here to visit with my brother and his boyfriend, and I’d really like to spend as much time as I can talking about other things, if you please,” Mack interrupts, rolling her eyes and scowling.

“I completely agree with her,” Jensen adds. “Besides, I’m not some girl that needs protecting. While I appreciate that you care, it’s making me uncomfortable and I don’t like it.”

This earns him a laugh from Jared and a smirk from Josh. He audibly groans and hides his face in his hands when Josh says that having a gay brother is like having another sister and he should get used to having an overprotective brother. Jared bursts into laughter and high-fives Josh. Jensen is beginning to regret ever introducing those two.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen walks up to the entrance of the Roadside Bar with Jared beside him and they are greeted by the owner the moment they enter the establishment. He is an average sized man, middle aged and friendly. Just as Chris had said, they get in with no problems once they tell the man who they are. He motions them over to the few tables their friends are occupying and they head off in that direction after saying a quick thank you.

Jared asks him if he wants a Coke and heads off in the direction of the bartender when Jensen nods his head. Chad greets him with a pat on the back and a sleazy smile, motioning to a girl some feet in front of them wearing a miniskirt that clearly hides nothing when she bends over. Jensen rolls his eyes and gives Chad a disgusted look. He smiles, however, when Sophia slaps the back of Chad’s head. _Got what he deserved_ , Jensen says silently as he watches Chad scowl at Sophia.

She plants herself in Jensen’s lap, arm around his neck and a welcoming smile on her face. “You’re lucky you’re gay,” Chad mutters under his breath and Jensen doesn’t even try to hide his laughter at that.

“I think you’ve got that turned around man,” Jensen responds with a smirk, making Sophia smile happily.

“Exactly, _you’re_ lucky he’s gay, ‘cause we both know I’d leave you in a second for him.” Sophia winks at Jensen flirtatiously and a moment later they both burst into laughter. They enjoy their easy, flirtatious banter. It is completely harmless, since they are anything but serious, but it gets Chad riled up and Sophia loves every minute of it.

“Lucky for me he doesn’t swing that way, though I guess it doesn’t really matter ‘cause I wouldn’t let him go even if he did,” Jared says when he returns to the table, taking the available seat next to Jensen.

Jensen smiles happily at Jared, once again reminded why he adores this man so much. Jared winks in response, making Jensen blush shyly. Sophia laughs as she watches this small interaction and slides off Jensen’s lap, muttering under her breath about how cute they are. Jensen doesn’t even bother being embarrassed about this; he knows how lucky he is and isn’t afraid to admit it.

Jensen’s attention is drawn to the small stage when the lights come on and Chris steps up to the microphone. He makes his introduction of the band, talking professionally to the decent sized crowd that has gathered and not even attempting to hide his enthusiasm. Jensen watches with interest as Chris talks animatedly, looking so at ease in the spotlight. Jensen has always shied away from things like that, too self-conscious, but he finds it amazing to witness his friend doing what he loves so much.

Jensen’s eyes are glued to the stage as the band begin to play, a song Chris said is called “Rattlesnake Smile”, and Jensen finds himself nodding his head along to the melody. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jared watching him with a soft smile on his face and, without looking directly at his boyfriend, he allows his lips to turn up in a small smile.

The band play a few more songs, “Sweet Carolina Rain” being one of them, and then the band become silent as Chris turns to address the crowd again. The easygoing, wide smile on his face is refreshing. Jensen can honestly say he has never seen his friend happier than he seems to be when he is on stage.

“Just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for coming out tonight, myself and the band really appreciate all the support.” Chris speaks clearly into the microphone, eyes sweeping over the crowd and smirking when he finds the tables where his friends sit. “Sucks to say our play list for this evening has dwindled down to only two more songs, but we’ve had a great time tonight and we hope you’ve enjoyed yourselves. The song we’re going to play now is called _More Than I Deserve_ and we hope you like it.”

The crowd is silent as the band begins the song and Jensen gives all his focus to the melody and lyrics that Chris and the band are so smoothly feeding to the small bar. _It’s amazing that they don’t have a record deal by now, they’re good enough to be doing this for a living_ , Jensen thinks to himself as he listens to the one of the last songs of the night.

  
**Livin' with me, it ain't easy**   
**But I do it every day**   
**And sometimes even now**   
**I wanna run away**   
**But there you are**   
**You're tryin' to please me**   
**And you stand your ground**   
**That's more than I deserve**   


Jensen draws his attention away from the stage and fixes his gaze on Jared, whom he finds already looking at him with intense eyes. He can’t fight away the blush that covers his cheeks and he smiles shyly at him, moving his chair a little closer so they can talk and be heard over the band. Jared mimics this action, leaning down a little as well.

“You enjoying yourself?” Jared asks, lips practically touching Jensen’s ear. Jensen shivers at the sensation Jared’s hot breath causes and closes his eyes.

“Yeah, this is really awesome. It’s better than I expected it to be, though don’t tell Chris that.” Jensen chuckles lightly, looking up at Jared with smiling eyes.

Jared nods his head with an understanding smile. “I know what you mean. They are really good at what they do, good enough to be doing it professionally.”

“That’s exactly what I had been thinking. Chris has a really amazing voice, you know. I was blown away the moment he opened his mouth.”

Jared laughs at this and nudges Jensen in the side. “Yeah, he does have a pretty good voice. I’ve heard people with better, of course, but there’s no denying he has talent.”

Jensen simply smiles at this, choosing not to respond, and has to resist the temptation to grab Jared’s hand under the table. Jared would just pull away if he tried, Jensen knows he would. He is okay with that, for now, but it doesn’t stop him feeling a little ache of pain at the thought of it.

Turning his attention away from Jared he listens to the rest of the song, swaying ever so slightly to the melody. He can feel Jared’s gaze on him but he doesn’t return it, just smiles knowingly to himself.

**I've taken more than I've been givin'  
 **And I've taken for granted this life I'm livin'**  
 **And I don't know why heaven above**  
 **Blessed me with your sweet love**  
 **I know I never tell you what you're worth**  
 **That's cause it's more than I deserve****

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen is sitting contentedly on his bed, back resting against the headboard, when Jared enters their room. They lock eyes for a moment, saying a brief “hey”, and then Jensen’s attention returns to the TV. Jared silently sits down at his desk and takes off his shoes. Neither of them have any classes today, though Jensen has to go to work later, and they have decided to stay in their room for the majority of the day. They haven’t spent much time here lately and they both figured they could use the relaxation.

Pushing his glasses up further on his nose when they annoyingly slide down, Jensen looks over at Jared again and smiles when he sees him sitting there with his eyes closed. It is obvious how handsome Jared is, but seeing him all relaxed and practically falling asleep like he is now is too damn adorable for words.

He turns his attention back to the TV, biting his bottom lip to keep from smiling but failing miserably. A moment later he hears Jared moving around on his side of the room but he doesn’t look over to see what he is doing. They have many moments like this; they don’t have to say a word to each other, just knowing the other is there is enough. Jensen is glad that they have reached that point in their relationship, where they feel so comfortable with each other and everything just feels so domestic and natural.

Jensen feels the bed dip and he turns his attention away from the television to see Jared smiling at him. He smiles back and moves over, silently offering for Jared to lie beside him. Jared gladly takes the invitation, moving slightly behind Jensen so he finds his head resting against Jared’s chest.

“What are you watching?” Jared asks softly.

“That 70’s Show,” Jensen replies in the same tone of voice. “Not really sure what is going on though, ‘cause my attention keeps drifting away.”

“Am I distracting you?” Jared asks teasingly as he begins running his hand through Jensen’s hair, caressing sensually.

“Yeah, you are, but you’re a welcomed distraction, don’t worry.” Jensen smiles as he says this, leaning into Jared’s touch.

“I didn’t tell you before, but I’m glad I met your brother and sister. I really like them,” Jared admits quietly and Jensen can detect a smile in his voice. “Makes me feel stupid being so freaked about meeting them now, though.”

“I’m really glad you guys get along so well. I knew deep down that you would, but it still would’ve sucked if the people closest to me didn’t like each other,” Jensen replies, entwining his fingers with Jared’s, resting them on his stomach. “I knew they’d love you, though, everyone loves you.”

“Oh, is that so?” Jared asks, laughing slightly at the thought.

“Yes, and you can’t deny it either. You know that everyone you meet instantly likes you. You just have that remarkable ability to make friends with whoever you meet. It’s your personality; you’re just a really fun person to be around and that attracts people to you. It’s all part of your charm.”

“I’m glad you have such nice things to say about me but you’re the only one I really wanted to make an impression on, ” he says, leaning down to press a tender kiss to Jensen’s temple.

“Aww, now I feel special,” Jensen teases playfully. “I _knew_ you liked me, it was something you could never hide.”

“You are one smart-assed asshole, you know that, Ackles? You think you’re so funny! For that, I’m gonna have to kick your ass,” Jared says with a gleam in his eyes, smiling evilly.

Jensen’s eyes widen at the implication, attempting to get away from his boyfriend as quickly as he humanly can, but Jared’s paws-for-hands grab a hold of his waist and he finds himself pinned to the mattress. Instantly, he begins begging Jared’s forgiveness and asking him not to do what he so obviously has planned.

His pleas fall on deaf ears as Jared’s hands move up to his sides and he begins to mercilessly attack him. Jensen squirms beneath Jared but there is nowhere he can go and Jared isn’t letting up on his torture. Jared smiles down in amusement as hysterical laughter rushes out of Jensen. He even snorts at one point but Jensen would kill himself before he admitted to it.

Jensen begs and pleads with Jared to stop, saying he can’t handle much more of this torture, but his boyfriend pretends not to hear him. Jensen knows there is one thing he can say to make this stop, though, and he decides to play his one last card. He doesn’t like to admit defeat but his stomach is starting to ache and his sides can’t take it anymore.

“Okay, you win!” Jensen yells through his laughter, a few tears sliding down his face. “You win, you win! Damn it, Jared, I said _you win_!”

Jared finally relents and sits back on his haunches, straddling Jensen’s waist, and stares down with a smile of adoration on his lips. All the while, Jensen pants for breath and does his best to glare up at his cruel boyfriend. Jared remains unconcerned by the expression he is being given and continues to smile.

Jensen attempts to push Jared off of him but the bigger man doesn’t budge, doesn’t even try to move. Jensen stares up at his boyfriend with the question clear on his face then his expression softens and he just eyes Jared, unable to look away. They simply stare at one another for a moment before Jared leans down slowly and meets Jensen in an half open mouthed kiss.

Jensen moans at the contact and wraps his arms around Jared’s neck, one hand moving down to cup his cheek. Jared’s tongue snakes out and makes contact with Jensen’s full bottom lip, running the length of the plump bit of flesh. Jensen opens his mouth wider almost immediately and allows Jared to explore thoroughly. Jared tilts his head to the left for better access and proceeds to devour the mouth beneath his, claiming ownership of it.

He pulls back before the kiss can become too passionate and Jensen can’t even attempt to hold back his moan of disappointment. Jared smiles down at him tenderly, running his hand through Jensen’s hair and moving down the side of his face in a soft caress. His fingertips lightly rub the sensitive skin of his neck and a soft sigh of contentment leaves Jensen’s slightly parted lips.

“I love you Jensen,” Jared says suddenly, his voice so soft and full of emotion.

Jensen stares up at Jared in surprise, unprepared to hear _those_ words, and doesn’t say anything for a few beats of a moment. He has been wanting to hear those words, has wanted to say them himself, but he wasn’t expecting Jared to speak them so soon. With how Jared has been about their relationship, he just assumed those three little words would be harder for him to say. Hell, Jensen honestly assumed that he would have to be the one to say them to Jared first.

A wide grin grows on Jensen’s face slowly, expressing all that he is feeling inside, and he pulls Jared down for an intense kiss. Jared kisses back just as passionately, cupping his face with those big hands of his. He pulls back not even a full minute later and peppers Jensen’s face with kisses.

Jensen grabs the back of Jared’s neck to hold him still and tilts his head to the side. “I love you too,” he whispers in Jared’s ear, feeling a shiver run through his boyfriend’s body.

Jared looks down upon Jensen with something akin to adoration in his eyes before he leans down once more and captures his mouth. Jensen can’t quite believe they have said the L word to each other. That is a big step and he is having a bit of a hard time comprehending the fact that they have reached this point in their relationship. He is glad that they have, obviously, but it is just a little surreal at the moment.

Jared pulls Jensen’s lower lip into his mouth, nipping gently and sucking on it with such care. Jensen feels his body begin to respond when Jared trails a hand down his chest, teasingly pulling and pinching his nipples and tracing a finger around his navel. Jensen squirms at the delicious sensation and tries to get some friction on his straining erection.

They haven’t done anything even remotely sexual yet and the prospect of something, anything, happening is thrilling. It has been a while since he has been intimate with someone, and he has never wanted anyone before as much as he wants Jared. He would love to share his body with Jared, be connected with him on a deeper and higher level. Jensen wants to take this step with him, no matter how big of a step it is, and, by the erection poking him in the stomach; he has reason to believe Jared wants the same thing.

Jensen groans when he thrusts up against Jared, his deprived dick finally getting some attention. Jared pulls away from Jensen’s swollen mouth and smirks knowingly, leaning down and rubbing himself against the erection beneath him. Grabbing his hips, Jensen pushes him down harder and moans in delight.

“I… I’ve never done anything like this before,” Jared mumbles the words out nervously. “I understand how two guys can do this, obviously, but I might be bad at it.”

“Don’t even worry about that, I know that nothing I do with you could possibly be bad.”

Jensen pushes Jared until he is sitting on the bed, bare feet resting on the floor. Jared watches him with curious, nervous eyes, but Jensen just smiles reassuringly. Keeping their eyes locked, Jensen slides to the carpet and settles himself between Jared’s spread legs. Jared’s eyes widen when he realizes what Jensen has in mind, reaching out to take Jensen’s chin in his hand.

“You don’t have to do this Jen. I wasn’t expecting anything like this from you,” Jared says, unable to hide the nervous excitement in his voice.

Jensen smiles up at his boyfriend and shakes his head in amusement. “I’m not doing this ‘cause I think you expect it of me, I’m doing this ‘cause I want to. Now, shut up and just enjoy this, will ya?”

Jared releases a nervous breath and nods his head, leaning back on his elbows and keeping his eyes on Jensen the entire time. Jensen settles himself more comfortably on his knees and rests his hand in Jared’s lap, fingering the zipper. The unasked question in his eyes is answered by a nod of Jared’s head and Jensen smiles warmly as he pops the button on Jared’s jeans and lowers the zipper.

Softly, he tells Jared to relax and lift his hips, which he complies with almost immediately. He then pushes Jared’s jeans down to his ankles, placing a soft kiss on his inner thigh. The hitch in Jared’s breath tells Jensen he is doing everything right and he can’t stop himself from smiling in satisfaction.

Jared throws his head back and gasps when Jensen begins rubbing the bulge between his legs with an expert hand. He unabashedly pleads for Jensen to take him in hand or use his mouth, anything so long as it is more fulfilling than this. Jensen chuckles lightly to himself as he reaches inside Jared’s underwear and takes out his erection. A groan escapes Jared’s throat just from the contact alone and Jensen places his other hand on the quivering man’s hip, reassurance in the heat of the touch.

Jensen starts out by stroking Jared’s weeping length at a slow, teasing pace. Jared is panting and begging for Jensen to stop teasing him. Suddenly, he takes his hand away and Jared’s eyes fly open, staring at Jensen in disbelief and frustration. Jensen simply smirks and raises his hand, making a big show of licking his palm sensually. Jared’s hard swallow is obvious and Jensen can’t stop himself from smiling widely

Before Jared can yell at him for being such a tease, Jensen’s hand returns to Jared’s dick and strokes it in earnest, finding it much easier to do now. Jared’s elbows give out on him and he falls back onto the mattress, releasing a moan from deep within his chest.

Without any warning Jensen engulfs Jared’s erection, hollowing his cheeks and sucking like his very life depends on it. Jared grips the sheets beneath him, eyes closed tight, and bites his lip to keep from screaming, letting only a moan of appreciation to escape. His hand slides into Jensen’s hair and his fingers tangle in the strands, tugging gently here and there.

“Oh, God, so good Jen… love your mouth.” Jared babbles on and on until he becomes incoherent.

With his free hand, Jensen reaches between Jared’s legs to roll his balls around in his palm, alternating between squeezing tenderly and rubbing them enticingly. Jensen smiles to himself when he runs his tongue up the length of Jared’s dick, tonguing the slit and the crown, and Jared’s whole body trembles.

All the warning Jensen gets is a half grunt and what sounds like some unintelligible words, then Jared is coming down his throat in spurts. He swallows all that he can, though some slips out and runs down his chin, and then he pulls off Jared’s length when it becomes soft, licking it clean. Jared is smiling dazedly, staring down at Jensen with warmth in his eyes. Jensen climbs up the length of his body and lies down beside him, laying his head on Jared’s chest.

“That was amazing Jen, I’ve never had a blow job like that before.” Jared pants breathlessly and Jensen smiles at the sound of it.

“I’m glad I was able to please you,” he blushes as he says this. “I love you, Jay.”

“I love you too, Jen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> More Than I Deserve - by Christian Kane


	9. A Day Worth Rememering

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Eight:**  
 _A Day Worth Remembering_  
-~*~-

March 1st, 2000

Jensen lets out a tired sigh as the customer he just helped walks away. He is relieved to see that he can take his break now, so he quickly makes himself a sandwich and puts some money in the cash register to pay for his meal. Taking his turkey sandwich and soft drink, he sits down at one of the tables at the front of the café, gazing out one of the windows distractedly.

The day is a rather chilly one, for Los Angeles, and everyone he sees that passes by on the streets are dressed in light jackets. He was an idiot though, and forgot his own jacket lying on his bed. The thing to be thankful for is the fact that the dorm isn’t any further than a few blocks from the café.

Jensen smiles when he thinks about Jared; he was acting rather excited this morning but every time Jensen questioned him on it he would shrug it off as nothing out of the ordinary. Jared can sure be a strange one sometimes, but that just makes Jensen love him all the more.

Jensen is pulled from his thoughts when Danneel plops down in front of him, acting as though she doesn’t have to be working right now. He shakes his head in amusement and doesn’t make any attempt to start a conversation, taking a bite of his sandwich and raising an eyebrow at her.

“Evan was getting on my nerves,” she says as though that explains everything and Jensen rolls his hand, silently telling her to elaborate further.

“He was annoying me and I decided I’d rather hang out with you than sit at a table all by myself,” she says slowly as if explaining to a two year old.

Jensen laughs and flips her off, making her smile in the process. “Well, you’re more than welcome to sit with me, you know that.”

She simply nods her head and grabs his soda, taking a hefty swallow before setting it back down. “So, how are things going between you and Jared?”

“Things are really good,” Jensen answers with a thoughtful look on his face. “Things couldn’t be better, actually.”

“Glad to hear that, you guys make a really cute couple,” she says with a soft smile on her lips. “How long you two been together now?”

“Four months,” Jensen smiles as he answers. “Hard to believe, seems like we’ve been together longer, ya know.”

“I know that feeling,” she says with a wistful smile on her face, gazing down at the table. “It’s a really good feeling.”

“Why are you getting sad on me?” Jensen asks in concern. “I’m not making you think about anything bad, am I?”

“No, well, not really. I was just thinking about my last relationship, is all.”

“Oh… if you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

“Nothing too bad, he didn’t die or cheat on me or anything like that,” she answers with a small, sad smile. “He just fell out of love with me, and I had been unfortunate enough to still be utterly in love with him.”

“Oh, man, I’m so sorry Danni. I really don’t know what to say to that,” Jensen responds, looking lost.

Danneel laughs softly and pats his arm. “That’s okay, I’ve had time to come to terms with things and accept that he’s gone. It just… when I think about him sometimes it just makes me a little sad, ya know.”

“Yeah, break-ups suck.”

“Why are we talking about break-ups? That’s so damn depressing,” Chad suddenly says, dropping down into the last available chair, in between Jensen and Danneel.

“ _We_ aren’t talking about break ups,” Danneel points out with a smirk, “Jensen and I were, you weren’t invited into the conversation.”

“You wound me Danni, that hurts.” Chad pouts, though it comes out looking more like a leer than anything.

“Yeah, well, I’m not sorry.” Danneel shrugs before turning her attention back to Jensen, completely ignoring Chad.

“What are you even doing here anyway, Chad?” Jensen asks, genuinely curious, because while they may be friends, Chad has always been Jared’s friend more than Jensen‘s. They’ve never hung out without Jared, so he is a little confused and surprised.

“I was bored so I figured I’d come and see what you were up to.” Chad shrugs as though this is a normal occurrence and glowers at Danneel for how easily she dismissed him, even though he should be used to it.

“Ah, okay, well, that’s cool, then,” Jensen responds, unable to hide how unusual he finds this.

“You have to work tomorrow?” Danneel asks, cutting Chad off from saying anything.

“Nah, I have a couple days off.”

“You lucky bitch,” Danneel laughs merrily. “I won’t have a day off in another four days or so. You’re gonna leave me here alone with Evan!”

“I could come around and keep you company,” Chad suggests with a sleazy smile. “It would be no trouble at all.”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t,” Danneel says with a disapproving stare, scowl on her lips. “But I don’t think your girlfriend would like that very much. Besides, I think I’d rather take my chances with Evan.”

Chad actually has the gall to look offended by this and Jensen has to fight very hard not to laugh, or roll his eyes. Danneel says she’ll talk to Jensen later when some customers enter the café and leaves the table without saying anything to Chad.

“If that girl wasn’t so damn hot I’d hate her.” Chad frowns, watching Danneel walk away and then turning back to Jensen.

“Doesn’t matter, I don’t think she’s too fond of you,” Jensen snickers.

“You do realize how odd that is, right,” Chad says, sounding so serious that Jensen isn’t sure whether to laugh or scoff. “Everyone wants a piece of me, there must be something wrong with her.”

“No, you’re wrong there, Chad. Not everyone wants you, trust me on that.”

“You trying to say you don’t want me, Jensen?” Chad asks with a raised eyebrow, challenge in his eyes.

“Not _trying_ to say anything, I’m stating a fact.” Jensen smirks.

“I would so kiss you right now to prove you wrong but I know Jay would kick my ass, and while I’m not afraid of most people, Jared’s another story. The guy’s a freakishly large giant, he might accidentally kill me,” Chad jokes, shuddering for effect.

Jensen knows Chad isn’t being serious, he is very much straight, after all, so he decides to keep playing along. It is just so much fun messing with him and Jensen can’t resist. “It wouldn’t be an accident,” he states matter of fact, smug smile firmly in place.

Chad doesn’t look impressed as he glares at Jensen, slouching in his seat like a pouting child, arms crossed over his chest. They sit like this for a moment, Chad acting like a two year old, Jensen smirking, and then they are both laughing heartily.

Jensen can’t deny how good it is to laugh with a friend, his day has kind of sucked and this is a nice reprieve. He doesn’t spend much time with Chad either, so this is nice for a change. Chad isn’t as bad a guy as most people make him out to be. In fact, Jensen thinks he plays up to it more than anything. Chad isn’t really the douche bag he pretends to be; he can be a really good friend when you need him, he just doesn’t like people seeing that side of him. Jensen isn’t quite sure why that is, but he isn’t going to ask either.

“When you getting off man?” Chad asks after his laughter dies down, lazy smile on his face.

“I still have a couple hours to go,” Jensen responds with a groan, wanting to be anywhere but here.

“You sound so thrilled about that,” Chad laughs softly, kicking Jensen lightly under the table. “I don’t blame ya though, I hate working.”

“That much is obvious, you rarely even show up at your own job,” Jensen says dryly. “I’m surprised you haven’t been fired.”

Chad smirks at this, all smug as he says, “Owner likes me, he’d never dream of firing me. Believe it or not, I’m the best employee he has, and I’m not saying that to be a smartass, I’m being serious. You should see some of the other dipshits he has working there. Besides, you’re just jealous that I don’t have to work my ass off like you do.”

“Can’t deny that,” Jensen admits, albeit reluctantly. “Listen Chad, my break’s over and I have to get back to work. You gonna hang around for a while or are ya taking off?”

“Got nothing better to do,” Chad responds with a shrug. “I’ll stick around and annoy you and Danneel.”

Jensen merely shakes his head in amusement and heads to the front counter, Chad following closely behind.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen rhythmically taps his fingers on the dashboard of Jared’s Montero, in tune with the song playing on the radio, and glances over at Jared every once in a while. Chris and Steve are throwing a dinner party over at their place and that’s where they are currently headed. When Jensen first heard about it he wanted to tease Chris about how domestic and kind of girly it was, but decided against it when he realized he didn’t feel like getting his ass beat.

Jensen chuckles under his breath at the thought, smiling widely when Jared raises an eyebrow at him in question. Jared shakes his head, small smile on his face, no doubt thinking Jensen has lost his mind. Jensen doesn’t mind though, just settles back in his seat and reaches across the space between them to link his fingers with Jared’s.

They reach their destination a short time later and head into the house, not even bothering to knock first. Steve exits the kitchen just as they are heading into the living room with a few sodas. Jensen takes in the sight of the living room with a smile, instantly putting two and two together in his head.

“Hey there birthday boy, thought you’d like to have a beer on your big day since you’re legal now,” Steve says, handing Jensen one of the beers.

“I wanted to take you to the Roadside Bar, give you the whole drinking experience, but Jay is too young and was bitching ‘bout it ‘cause he wouldn’t be able to drink too if we went out.” Chris grumbles from his spot on the couch, mock glare fixed firmly on Jared.

Jensen takes all of this in a bit at a time, looking at each of his friends in surprise. “How’d you guys even know today was my birthday? I haven’t told anyone.”

“I called your sister ‘cause I was curious about when your birthday was, then she told me it was only a week away,” Jared answers, giving him a disapproving stare. “If I hadn’t called your sister you never would’ve told me today was your birthday, would you?”

“No, I would’ve told you… at least I’m pretty sure I would’ve told you,” Jensen replies softly, smile sheepish as he looks at Jared.

“I know you better than you think Jen, I know you wouldn’t have told me. But that’s okay, you’re lucky that I’m willing to forgive you this time.” Jared smirks playfully as he leads Jensen further into the room.

The room is filled with all of their friends, with the exception of Alexis, and Jensen doesn’t feel guilty about being happy for her absence. It is no secret that he isn’t fond of her, no matter how nice she can be at times. He just can’t forgive her for the way she treated Jared. He can’t help resenting her for all the pain she caused his best friend, even though he knows that if it weren’t for her ignoring Jared’s feelings he would never have had a chance with him.

Jared moves to sit on one of the chairs and Jensen follows suit, placing himself on the floor, situated between Jared’s spread legs. Steve tells him that he can bring in one of the kitchen chairs for him but Jensen declines the offer, feeling much more comfortable being this close to his boyfriend. His friends all roll their eyes and make fun of him but Jared merely smiles happily and his opinion is the one that counts in Jensen’s eyes.

“Okay, lets cut this to the presents so we can get that out of the way and onto the real party.” Mike speaks up once everyone is settled in the living room.

Everyone agrees with him, for once, and soon Jensen is being handed wrapped gifts left and right. He isn’t complaining though, he enjoys receiving presents like any normal human being. What he isn’t so fond of, however, is all the attention he is getting while he unwraps them. He tries to rush through the gifts portion of his birthday party, wanting all the attention off of him as soon as possible.

Jared seems to be able to catch on to his mood for he is watching with an amused smile on his face. Jensen glowers at his boyfriend in disdain while wanting to find the nearest corner to hide himself in. He really hates when people hover over him and watch his every move; it is foreign territory to him and he just can’t feel comfortable. That is why he was never good at public speaking, too damn shy for his own good.

After what feels like forever of unwrapping each individual present and thanking the person who bought it for him, he thanks Chris and Steve for the old, worn around the edges guitar that they bring out of their room and place in his lap.

“It’s nothing special son, just one of our old ones we don’t need anymore. We’ve heard you sing though, and figured you’d appreciate it,” Chris says with as much nonchalance as he can manage. “Besides, we’re the ones supplying the alcohol so that’s really our gift to you, the guitar’s just an added bonus.”

“No, don’t downplay it man, it’s awesome,” Jensen replies sincerely, gazing down at the guitar in wonder. He has always wanted to own a guitar but never had the chance to buy one, he always had to settle with using his friend’s. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Steve smiles kindly before standing up. “I’m just gonna go grab the beer, I’ll be right back.”

“Finally!” Mike’s voice is full of exasperation.

“Hey, asshole, today is all about Jensen! Don’t ruin it for him by thinking of yourself!” Kristen scolds her boyfriend, apologizing to Jensen with her eyes.

Jensen just dismisses his friend’s rudeness with a smile, not really upset with Mike’s behavior since he knows how he can be. He places his guitar with the rest of his gifts, leaning it against the chair, and turns his attention back to his friends, silently watching them. He turns his head, however, when he feels Jared move from behind him. Jared is leaning forward in the chair, close enough to whisper in his ear.

“I know you’re probably wondering why I didn’t get you anything.” His warm breath wisps over Jensen’s skin, making him shiver.

That thought hadn’t actually crossed Jensen’s mind, and he really doesn’t care if Jared got him something or not. Since he was a teenager he has never really cared about getting presents on his birthday or at Christmas time; what matters most to him is spending those special days with the people closest to him. Gifts and such are just material objects while the presence of a loved one is what really counts, what really shows that they care.

“I did get you something though. I’m just waiting to give it to you in private,” Jared explains. Jensen wants to say that he doesn’t care if he bought him anything but keeps his mouth shut because he gets the feeling those words might offend Jared or worse, make him feel bad.

“Spending my birthday with you is more than enough for me, but since I know how you are I’m not going to argue with you,” Jensen smiles as he says this and Jared just laughs. “Whenever you want to give me your present is fine with me.”

“Good, ‘cause you’re not getting it till I’m good and ready.” Jared replies with a cheeky smile and Jensen has to refrain from shaking his head or rolling his eyes.

Jensen settles with muttering, “Dork,” in the end and Jared laughs again. Right at this moment Steve returns from the kitchen, arms filled with cans of beer, and begins passing them out to the group. Opening the can once he has it in his hand, Jensen takes a healthy swallow and smiles to himself. He isn’t much of a drinker, never has been, but he does enjoy having a beer once in a while and being twenty-one now feels pretty damn good.

Getting more comfortable on the floor, as comfortable as he can anyway, he rests and arm on one of Jared’s legs, half wrapped around it. He can feel Jared’s gaze on him but he doesn’t tilt his head back to return the stare, deems it unnecessary. Sophia catches his eyes though, and he almost rolls them when he sees the look on her face. He knows that something along the lines of ‘aww they are so cute,’ is running through her mind right now. He doesn’t know why everyone looks at them like they are the most adorable sight in the world, but he’s slowly getting used to it.

“Happy Birthday Jen!” Alison expresses in that bubbly voice of hers and everyone soon follows, wishing him a happy birthday in sync and all Jensen can do is blush.

**:0Ж0:**

“So, you gonna tell me where you’re taking me?” Jensen asks, turning down the volume on the radio so he can hear Jared better.

They had dropped all his gifts off at their room, packed a few clothes in a couple duffel bags and then Jared was ushering him back out of the room. No matter how many times Jensen had asked, or tried to sneak the information out of his boyfriend, Jared wouldn’t divulge his plan.

“How many times do I have to tell you Jen, you’re gonna have to wait and see for yourself,” Jared laughs, just a little exasperation creeping into his tone. “Damn, you’re worse than a toddler, you know that?”

“Oh, this coming from the gigantic kid in a man’s body,” Jensen mocks, feigning disbelief. “That’s rich Jay, that’s the pot calling the kettle black, right there.”

“You can say whatever you want dude, I’m still not going to tell you,” Jared retorts, biting his lip to keep from laughing his amusement. “Anyone ever tell you how annoying you can be?”

“Doesn’t feel too good being on the other end, does it?” Jensen smirks smugly.

“Are you trying to imply that I’m annoying?” Jared asks in mock incredulousness.

“If the shoe fits man,” Jensen replies casually, turning his head to hide his smile.

“I would so make you regret saying that if it weren’t your birthday today,” Jared laughs merrily. “Consider yourself lucky.”

Before Jensen can respond, though he probably would have just laughed, Jared pulls the vehicle to a stop and shuts off the engine. Jensen looks out the windshield and finds that they are parked in front of a beach house. His eyes are wide as he takes in the sight before him, drinking everything in slowly with growing anticipation.

He turns his head to see Jared smiling softly at him, a pleased expression on his face. _I guess he realizes his plan is working like a charm, I am definitely impressed right now_ , Jensen thinks to himself before turning his head back to the windshield. Dusk has fallen but there is still enough light to see clearly. The scent of the sea fills his nostrils and he can’t help finding the aroma pleasant, as odd as that may be. He has never seen the ocean before but he has always wanted to.

Without saying a word, Jensen opens his door and steps out of the Montero, taking in a deep breath of the salty air. His wide eyes sweep over the landscape with fascination and wonder. The white beach house has two stories and, Jensen is pleased to find out, the ocean can be seen behind it. For the moment Jensen is rendered speechless; he doesn’t know what he would say even if he could find the words. The whole place is just amazing, beautiful.

“Judging by the smile on your face I think it’s safe to say you like my surprise,” Jared whispers suddenly in his ear, making Jensen jump in surprise.

“I must say you’re correct with that assumption,” Jensen breathes out. “This is amazing Jared, I can’t believe you’ve done this. How long are we going to stay here?”

“For the weekend. I figured that’d give us enough time to really enjoy ourselves,” Jared responds, wrapping his arms around Jensen and pulling him until his back rests against his chest. “Sophia’s parents own the place and she said it’d be no problem that we use it; it’s just sitting here empty anyway. I wanted to do something special for your birthday and I couldn’t think of anything better than this.”

“You’ve definitely earned some major points with me,” Jensen says as he turns in Jared’s arms, wrapping his own around Jared’s neck and looking up into his eyes. “No one has ever done something so nice for me on my birthday Jared, thank you.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re happy. I wanted to give you something you’d always remember, wanted to do something no one else has ever done for you, give you something that means more than a CD or something you could buy yourself.”

“You’ve accomplished that, I’m definitely never going to forget this anytime soon,” Jensen smiles up at his boyfriend adoringly. “This is the best birthday I’ve ever had. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but I don’t normally enjoy my birthdays. In fact, I dread them each year. But this year is awesome, I couldn’t thank you enough.”

“No need to thank me, I just wanted to make you happy,” Jared blushes as he says this and then pulls away, glancing over at the house. “Wanna take our things in and check out the place?”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” Jensen responds as he follows Jared to the door to the backseat, taking his duffel and slinging it over his shoulder.

Jared leads the way to the front door and soon they are inside, locking the door and flipping lights on as they make their way further into the surprisingly warm house. The place must be used on a regular basis because it smells fresh and, to the eye, obviously cleaned often. Ignoring the furniture and entertainment appliances in the room, Jensen drops his duffel on the tiled flooring and steps in the direction of the sliding glass door leading to the back deck.

Pulling back the floor length blinds, Jensen’s eyes take in the ocean and sandy beach, fascinated with the breathtaking sight. He feels more than hears Jared come up behind him and he tilts his head to meet the other man’s eyes. Jared looks back at him with a soft expression, his very being speaking volumes, and Jensen couldn’t be happier to be sharing this experience with him.

He leans back against Jared’s broad chest and reaches for his hand. They remain still like this for a few long minutes, simply enjoying the moment and the peaceful feeling that has enveloped them, relaxing them both. Jensen can already tell he is going to enjoy the time spent here immensely. They are going to walk away with some fond memories.

“You know, while this is my present for you, it is only part of your gift,” Jared whispers in his ear, breath ghosting over his skin. “Remember when I said I wanted to give you your present in private? Well, I really just wanted to give it to you once we got here, it just seemed to fit well to me.”

“Well, are you going to give it to me now or am I gonna have to wait all night?” Jensen teases, unable to help himself.

“Nah, I was thinking ‘bout making you beg for it,” Jared responds with light sarcasm, bright smile lighting up his face.

“I don’t beg, sorry.” Jensen laughs as he turns around to face his boyfriend.

“I bet I can get you to beg for me,” Jared quips smugly. “I’m sure we’ll find ourselves in a situation where you won’t be able to help but to beg for what you want.”

Jensen blushes at the insinuation and ducks his head. It isn’t that he hasn’t thought about having sex with Jared; he has thought about it a lot, in fact, and that is why he is blushing like some damn virgin right now. They haven’t talked about taking that huge of a step in their relationship so far, but now that idea is out in the open, Jensen can’t ignore it anymore. Not that he doesn’t want to be intimate with Jared; it has crossed his mind many times to be honest, but it is a pretty big step and it’s kind of intimidating.

“In all seriousness though, I want to give it to you now,” Jared says, dragging Jensen over to the couch by his hand.

Jensen allows himself to be pushed down onto the comfortable piece of furniture and turns slightly to face Jared once he is sitting beside him. Jared looks nervous now, all jokes and teasing tossed aside, and Jensen has to wonder what he could possibly be receiving to make his boyfriend look so unsure of himself. He doesn’t say anything though, simply gives Jared time to collect his nerve.

When Jared finally meets his eyes he smiles anxiously and reaches into his shirt pocket, resting his hand there instead of pulling anything out. Jensen raises an eyebrow questionably, glancing at the hand in Jared’s shirt pocket and then dragging his eyes up to his boyfriend’s face. Jared visibly takes a relaxing breath and finally withdraws his hand, fisted around something.

“I know the fact that I don’t want to tell my family about us or act like a normal couple in public is dragging you down Jen. Don’t think I don’t know how hard this is on you ‘cause it definitely hasn’t escaped my attention.”

Jensen tries to open his mouth to deny this, help Jared not to feel so bad, but Jared places his index finger against his lips and effectively shuts him up before he can even begin to speak.

“I know I’m not being the best boyfriend right now by making you hide us away, but I just hope you know how much I truly love you Jensen. I care so much that it scares me sometimes. And even though I’m not ready for all of that yet, telling people about us, it doesn’t mean that I won’t be eventually,” Jared reassures him softly, though Jensen didn’t really need the reassurance, he trusts his boyfriend will one day be ready to come out to his family.

“I know this doesn’t make up for hiding us away, but I’m hoping you will take it as a symbol of the fact that I love you more than I have _ever_ loved anyone and one day I will be ready to shout it to the world,” Jared practically whispers as he takes Jensen’s hand and places a titanium band in his palm. “I love you so much Jen and it hurts to think that you may not feel it sometimes. I’m hoping this will be a reminder for those times when you’re doubtful.”

Tears of joy and amazement fill Jensen’s eyes as he stares down at the simple ring in his hand that holds so much meaning. Jensen lifts his eyes to look at the remarkable man in front of him, trembling smile forming on his face.

“I don’t know what to say Jared. This is just… it’s simply wonderful. I love it,” Jensen whispers sincerely, placing the band on his ring finger. “Just when I think I couldn’t love you more you do something so incredibly sweet and I fall a little further.”

Jared blushes at this and Jensen finds it to be very endearing. It isn’t often that anyone can get Jared to blush, especially as scarlet as he is now, and Jensen feels pretty proud of himself right now. He decides he is going to make it his personal mission to make Jared blush as often as he can. He smiles at the thought, knowing it won’t be an easy feat, and re-focuses his attention on the man in front of him.

Jared clears his throat in an attempt to collect himself, trying to regain his cool and calm exterior once more, and smiles bashfully. “I don’t think I could ever get tired of hearing you say that… I love you, Jen, more than I ever imagined I would.”

“I love you too.”

“Want to take our things upstairs and check out the master bedroom?” he asks with an excited glint in his eyes, and Jensen merely nods his head in agreement.

They head up to the second floor and, after opening each door they come across, they finally find the master bedroom. A king sized bed with maroon comforter and matching pillowcases sits in the middle of the room, pressed up against the wall with a mahogany nightstand on either side. A bathroom adjoins the room, located on the far side. Just looking at this whole place Jensen realizes he will be sad to leave; he could get used to living like this. He knows their relationship is still too new to be thinking about such things, much less bringing them up, but one day he would like to live in a place like this with Jared, a place to call their own.

He watches as Jared drops his bag where he stands and moves to sit down on the bed, bouncing a little to test the mattress. Jensen places his duffel by the side of the bed he supposes he will be sleeping on and takes a seat as well, relishing in its softness. The beds back at their dorm aren’t nearly as comfortable as this. In comparison, their measly twin beds are like rocks.

“Damn, I almost forgot what it was like to sleep in an actual bed that was made for humans,” Jared says dryly, obviously thinking about their beds as well. “We are so sleeping in tomorrow. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if we stayed in bed all day!”

“I say we stay in as long as we possibly can, but at some point we have to get up ‘cause I want to check out that beach.”

Jared turns his head to look at Jensen, a smile on his face. “You got a deal, Jen.”

Jensen rights himself on the bed and allows his body to fall backward, soft pillows cushioning his head and he lets out a happy sigh. Jared is quick to follow, turning his head to smile goofily. Jensen laughs and turns on his side so he is facing the beautiful man beside him.

_Man, what I wouldn’t give to sleep by him on a daily basis_ , the thought bringing a smile to Jensen’s face. _I’m assuming pushing our beds together is outta the question._

“What’re ya smiling like that for? You thinking something dirty?” Jared asks, waggling his eyebrows playfully.

“No, but you obviously are,” Jensen laughs till his stomach aches, Jared doing the same. “This feels really good, I could get used to it. Good thing we’re only here for the weekend. Any longer and I might have a hard time leaving.”

“I hear ya there man, this is really nice. Damn, this is gonna sound egotistical, since I came up with it, but this was a _very_ good idea.” Jared chuckles as he says this, eyes sparkling with mirth.

Jensen simply smiles back, nodding his agreement. “Yeah, this was a really good idea. I’m glad you did this for me.”

“Wasn’t exactly a hardship. I mean, I get to enjoy it too.” Jared points out.

“Yeah, but ya get what I mean.”

Jared nods his head in affirmation before pulling Jensen closer, wrapping him up in his endless limbs. Jensen snuggles into the warm, comforting embrace and closes his eyes, placing a palm against Jared’s chest. He listens to the sound of their off beat breathing, letting it lull him into a sleepy state. He hadn’t realized how tired he was steadily becoming until now and he finds that he could fall asleep with no trouble at all.

Jensen wants to laugh when, all of sudden, Jared’s light snores can be heard in the otherwise silent room. _How he can fall asleep so fast I’ll never know_ , he muses to himself fondly before pressing in closer, careful not to disturb the sleeping man. With a yawn, Jensen allows the peaceful sounds of the ocean outside the window and the oddly comforting snores and rhythmic breathing to put him in a much appreciated slumber.


	10. Soul Meets Soul

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Nine:**  
 _Soul Meets Soul_  
-~*~-

Jensen sits at the kitchen table, gaze fixed on the beach outside the window, with his cell phone pressed against his ear. Mackenzie is going on and on about the concert she just went to with her friends, the first concert their parents allowed her to go to. It took a lot of begging and pleading on her part, promising to do things she would never agree to do on most occasions.

It hurts to talk about his parents, especially hearing how things are going so well while his relationship with them lay in tatters, but he doesn’t tell his sister this. He knows there are some things she really likes to talk to him about, and he is glad that he is the one she runs to when she wants to talk, so he can’t really complain too much when she mentions their mom and dad. She doesn’t talk about them often, so Jensen figures he can bear those rare conversations for her sake.

Jared is standing at the stove preparing their dinner for the night. It is only four pm but it doesn’t hurt to eat dinner earlier once in a while. Besides, Jared is an amazing cook, even though he doesn’t believe it, and Jensen would never turn down one of his dishes. He doesn’t get to eat Jared’s home cooked meals very often, it’s very rare in fact, so he jumps at every opportunity he is given.

“So, did you have a good birthday yesterday?” Mackenzie asks after she is done ranting about the latest gossip in her teenage life.

“Yeah, I had a really good time. We went over to my friend’s place, Chris and Steve. Everyone was there, it was really laid back yet fun, ya know,” Jensen responds jovially.

“What’d Jared get for you?” she asks immediately, genuinely interested.

“He surprised me with a weekend at this really beautiful beach house that a friend’s parents own. You should see it Mack, it’s amazing.” Jensen gushes like a teenage girl, making Jared laugh in amusement.

“Oh my God, that is so romantic! I didn’t realize Jared was the romantic type. Keep a hold of him Jen, many people would die to get their hands on him.”

“Don’t think I don’t know that,” Jensen responds dryly, though a smile lifts his lips when he thinks about how great Jared is. _Yep, I’m in deep_ , he mocks himself. _I’m one of those damn lovesick fools._

“That all he did for you?” she asks curiously and Jensen can hear her tossing around some papers in the background.

“No, he also got me this titanium ring,” Jensen says, gazing down at the article of jewelry on his ring finger. “He gave it to me as a promise ring.”

“Commitment ring,” Jared suddenly intervenes and when Jensen raises an eyebrow he simply shrugs. “It sounds better than promise ring.”

Jensen rolls his eyes, but repeats the words to Mackenzie, who is laughing at them. “But, yeah, that’s what he gave me.”

“That is really sweet, I’m glad everything is going so well for you two,” Jensen can hear the smile in his sister’s voice all the way down the line. “I got something for you too, I sent it in the mail about three days ago. Tell me when you get it.”

“I’ll make sure to give you a call as soon as I receive it.” Jensen reassures her, keeping his eyes on Jared’s back.

“Okay, well, I’ll let you go for now since I know you want to spend this time with Jared. Just give me a call again sometime next week, alright.”

“Alright, talk to you later Mack.” Jensen hangs up when his sister tells him to enjoy his time here with Jared. _Oh, I intend to_ , he smiles to himself.

Remaining in his seat for only a moment, Jensen pushes himself up and crosses the room until he is standing directly behind Jared. He wraps his arms around the taller man and Jared immediately leans back into the embrace, Jensen places a light kiss at the nape his neck. Jared eventually turns around in his arms and places his lips against Jensen’s, adding a slight pressure but nothing more.

Jensen is more than happy to reciprocate, feeling a tongue caressing his bottom lip. Soon after his mouth opens, Jared slips his tongue inside to explore the familiar terrain. Jensen pulls away a moment later, before it can become too heated, with a smile on his face. He asks Jared how long it will be until dinner is ready and learns that they still have an hour or so. Nodding his head, Jensen reluctantly pulls out of the embrace and says that he is going to take a shower.

Jared pouts, using those puppy dog eyes for all they are worth, but he doesn’t complain. He is just trying to give him a guilt trip, anyway, and Jensen knows this. Jensen pushes his shoulder in a teasing manner, calling him an idiot, and then he is heading upstairs to take his shower.

Jensen has this pet peeve about putting on used clothes after a shower, even if he only put them on that morning, so he pulls out a clean pair of clothes and heads into the bathroom adjacent to the room, shutting the door behind him.

**:0Ж0:**

Feeling refreshed and clean after such an amazingly relaxing shower, Jensen heads back downstairs to see if their dinner is almost finished. He walks into the living room to see Jared sitting on the couch watching the Lion King and allows a smile to form on his face. Jared can be such a kid sometimes.

When he sees Jensen leaning against the wall watching him, a big smile graces his face and he motions for him to sit down next to him. He does as Jared requests and leans into his boyfriend once he finds a comfortable position. Jensen wraps his arms around his broad frame and places his head on Jared’s shoulder. His stomach is protesting this, demanding that he get something to eat or he will be sorry, but Jared is just so tempting.

“I love this movie,” Jared says with a small laugh. “I’m such a dork!”

“Yeah, but you’re my dork and I wouldn’t have you any other way,” Jensen responds, placing a gentle kiss upon his shoulder

“Well, that’s good to hear ‘cause I’m not about to change.”

Jensen doesn’t reply to this, just cuddles closer into Jared and idly gives his attention to the cartoon. His face scrunches up in confusion, however, when he remembers that his boyfriend had been making dinner when he went up for a shower. So why is Jared sitting in here now? Is their food ready and he just forgot about it, or did something happen?

It is then that Jensen’s nose catches the strange smell enveloping the room, making him wonder how he missed it before. The unmistakable smell of something burning makes Jensen raise his head and look at Jared questionably. His boyfriend, however, avoids his gaze with a sheepish expression on his face as he pays far too much attention to the television.

“Okay, tell me, what is that smell and what is the cause of it?” Jensen asks in amusement, already having a pretty good idea.

“I’ve already ordered a pizza so you don’t have to worry about starving,” Jared responds, sulking, and he looks up when Jensen doesn’t say anything, seeing Jensen’s raised eyebrow. “You’re gonna make me say the actual words, aren’t you?”

Jensen just shrugs and smiles innocently while Jared groans in embarrassment. “I burnt our dinner, okay, you happy now?”

“How could you have possibly burnt it? You were practically hovering over it before I went up to shower,” Jensen laughs and watches the flush that washes over Jared’s face, his suspicion peaking. “How did it happen?”

There is a long pause before Jared finally answers. “My mind was on other things and I wasn’t paying attention to what I was supposed to be doing,” Jared says, grudgingly.

“What were you thinking about?” Jensen questions, simply because he is enjoying the blush that has climbed upon his boyfriend’s face because of the conversation.

“Oh God, I so do not want to talk to you about this!” Jared groans, covering his face with the palms of his hands.

“Come on, Jay,” Jensen prods as he pulls Jared’s hands away, holding them in his own, “Tell me, please.”

He watches as Jared releases a heavy sigh, turning to look at him with embarrassment in his eyes and his cheeks aflame. “I was thinking about how you were up there in that shower, water running down your body, and I wanted to be in there with you,” Jared flushes even more as he spit’s the words out. “Are you happy now? I’m just gonna go upstairs now and hope that I die.”

Jensen grabs a hold of Jared’s wrist when he stands up and attempts to run away, pushing him back down onto the couch and moving to straddle his lap so he can’t go anywhere. Jared groans and tells him that he shouldn’t be sitting on him like this, especially with where his thoughts were earlier. Jensen merely smiles when he hears this and shows no intentions of moving from his spot.

He takes Jared’s chin in his hand and lifts it up until he is once more looking him in the eyes. He makes sure he has all of Jared’s focus before leaning down and capturing his lips in a feather light kiss. Their lips are barely touching, but the emotion behind the kiss speaks volumes and it leaves both of them yearning for more. Letting their lips graze for a few more moments, Jensen finally presses his mouth firmly against Jared’s and is satisfied when he hears the other man’s sharp intake of breath.

He tilts his head just so and cups the side of Jared’s head as he opens his mouth, a lucid invitation. Jared catches on immediately, grabbing a hold of Jensen’s hips in a vise-like grip as he plunders Jensen’s awaiting mouth. He explores every crevice and runs his tongue along Jensen’s palate, eliciting a moan from the man atop him.

Jensen is the first to pull away, their equal pants of breath hitting one another’s face. He rests his forehead against Jared’s and smiles softly, enjoying everything about the moment and locking it away in his memory for future viewing.

“Don’t ever feel that you can’t tell me something Jared; you don’t have to feel embarrassed with me, trust me on that.” Jensen’s voice is a ghost of a whisper.

“I just told you I wanted to be in the shower with you, how could I not be embarrassed about that?” Jared asks miserably. “Thoughts like that usually stay hidden, but my luck sucks and I can’t seem to hide anything from you.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about that because I wanted you in that shower with me just as much as you were thinking about it,” Jensen admits, smiling softly when Jared pulls back to look at him, eyes wide in surprise.

“Seriously,” Jared asks quietly. “You’re not just saying that to make me feel better, right?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Of course not. In fact, I’ve had many thoughts about what I’d like to do with you.” If Jensen blushes when he says this he would deny it; he is trying to make Jared feel better about admitting his ‘naughty thought’, so it really isn’t good to be blushing right now.

“What kinds of thoughts have crossed your mind?” Jared waggles his eyebrows playfully as he asks this, making Jensen laugh and lightly punch him on the shoulder.

“Okay, end of conversation,” Jensen replies bashfully as moves to sit beside Jared once more.

Jared grips onto his hips and keeps him in place however, smiling roguishly. “No, I want to know. What kind of fantasies have you had of me?”

Jensen is saved from answering when the doorbell rings and he jumps up from Jared’s lap when Jared relaxes his grip on his hips. He smiles innocently and tells Jared to answer the door, knowing it is the pizza boy since it can’t be anyone else. Jared rolls his eyes, knowing that Jensen is evading answering, and heads in the direction of the front door.

Jensen releases a sigh of relief and sags back down onto the couch. _That was close_ , Jensen practically screams in his mind, blush creeping onto his cheeks when he thinks about all the fantasies he has had involving Jared. _Yeah, that would’ve been awkward as hell! How the hell do I get myself into such embarrassing conversations?_

He now knows how Jared was feeling and his own words rush back to him, about not needing to be embarrassed, and he feels like a hypocrite. Sure, he was only trying to make Jared feel better about the situation, but a part of him had really enjoyed seeing his boyfriend squirm and that’s why he feels so hypocritical now. He makes a mental note not to squeeze anything like that out of Jared anymore, mainly because he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end again.

Jared returns the living room a minute later, pizza box in hand, and sits down on the couch. He places the pizza on the coffee table and asks Jensen to grab a couple plates from the kitchen. Jensen brings back two plates and a couple of beers left over from the party at Chris and Steve’s place.

As they sit down to eat their meal Jared has seemingly forgotten all about their earlier conversation, his attention easily snatched away, and Jensen couldn’t be more relieved. He relaxes in Jared’s company and laughs along with him as they talk about things of little importance.

**:0Ж0:**

They pull into the driveway a little after eight pm and lumber out of the vehicle. After they had eaten they had decided to head to the main drag in town and check out all the stores on the strip. A lot of the stores were outrageously overpriced but that didn’t matter to them, they were just enjoying the night out. They were able to find some decent places though, and even bought a couple of things. Mainly just tokens to remind them of their trip down here, making them feel like stupid tourists. They had a great time though, and that is what matters to them.

They did happen to spot this little Italian restaurant that they want to eat at before they have to head back home. It wasn’t a very big place, hidden just off the main drag, but appeared to be pretty popular. Seemed to be an independently owned place as well, not one of those well known places that get more hype than they deserve. That is probably what drew them to it; looked to them like a place that mostly locals go to rather than tourists and the like.

Jared tells him to wait in the living room the moment they get inside and then he heads upstairs. Jensen watches him go, wondering what he has up his sleeve this time, and places their small bags on the couch. He leans his weight against the back of the couch, trying to be patient for Jared’s return. His curiosity has been roused though, and he can get rather impatient when that happens. It is a fault of his, one he isn’t very proud of but doesn’t deny either.

His overgrown puppy for a boyfriend walks down the stairs moments later, a blanket tucked up under his right arm, with a smile a mile wide on his face. Jensen picks up on Jared’s thoughts almost immediately and soon he is smiling widely as well, excited about the idea of lying out on the deserted beach. It will probably be kind of chilly out there now that the sun has gone down but he couldn’t care in the slightest, he has wanted to do this all day. It was too crowded earlier though, so they opted to stay inside.

Jared motions with his head for Jensen to follow him, the two men heading out onto the back deck. Jared kicks off his sandals while Jensen decides to keep his shoes on, not wanting to get too cold. They make their way out onto the beach and stop a few feet away from the shore, close but not enough to get wet.

Jared unravels the blanket and lays it down at their feet. Jensen is the first to move, sitting down and waiting for his boyfriend to join him. Once Jared is planted firmly beside him, he wraps his arms around his waist and rests his head against his chest. He has grown an obsession with Jared’s heartbeat, constantly wanting to feel it beneath his palm or simply listen to it. He figures there are weirder things to be obsessed over though, so he doesn’t feel too strange.

He is forced to lie back when Jared lowers them to the ground, Jared lying on his back with Jensen on his side. He isn’t complaining though, this is actually really nice. What he loves most about it is that they are out in public right now. Sure, no one is around, of course, but it is the principle of the whole thing. He is getting the one thing Jared has been reluctant to give him, partly anyway, and he is determined to enjoy the rare opportunity.

“You can see the stars so clearly from out here,” Jared says with fascination in his voice. “Reminds me of back home, the sky in Texas is amazing,”

Jensen tilts his head to stare up at the stars and has to admit that the sight is pretty breathtaking. “Yeah, nothing beats a Texas sky, but this is pretty spectacular too.”

“Do you ever miss it, Texas I mean?” Jared asks out of the blue, craning his head to look down at the top of Jensen’s head.

Jensen lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. “Sometimes, it’s my home, ya know.”

“Sorry for making you think about all that, I was just curious.” Jared sounds truly regretful when he says this.

“No, it’s okay, really,” Jensen quickly reassures him. “I mean, it’s hard ‘cause of everything with my family, Texas kind of holds bad memories for me now, but it will always be my home. California is pretty awesome too, though, and I could easily grow to love it just as much. In fact, I already have. Even if I had the chance to go back to Texas, I don’t know if I would, ya know. I’ve grown to like it here, I think I’d be kind of reluctant to leave.”

“Texas may be home, but this feels like your new home, the place you’re meant to be,” Jared clarifies Jensen’s thoughts, so much easier than he was able to do. “Don’t worry, I get it, I feel the same way.”

“Yeah, I love this place. Doesn’t hurt that it brought me to you, either,” Jensen says, feeling cheesy even as the words pass by his lips.

“Ain’t gonna argue with ya there.” Jared chuckles, tightening his arms around Jensen’s smaller frame.

Jensen snuggles into the warmth his boyfriend is providing and opens his eyes to stare down at the ocean mere feet away. Watching as the waves crash against the shore is near hypnotic and the sound is so peaceful, he can’t help thinking that everyone who lives here is lucky. He would love to wake up to the sound of the ocean each morning, smell the salt in the air.

His mind runs away with him as he lies in his boyfriend’s embrace, Jared caressing his arm with slow, lazy movement. He thinks about where his life has taken him, all that he has achieved and accomplished in his twenty-one years. He honestly couldn’t be happier with how his life has turned out so far, he feels as though he is on the right track for once. He made it here all on his own, even with so many things working against him, and he can’t help feeling proud of himself.

He is on his way to a great education that will one day enable him to help others, something he has always wanted to do. There is just so much hate in this world, so much ugliness, and he wants the chance to do even a little bit of good.

He truly believes this is something he was always meant to do and he can honestly say he can’t imagine doing anything else. Being a gay man himself, he knows how tough life can be, and working for human rights is honorable in his opinion. Plus, add his experience to the knowledge he is obtaining, he could definitely do this world some good.

Another great thing he has going for him is his relationship with Jared. When he first came to California he hadn’t been looking for a boyfriend, he just wanted to study and hopefully make some friends. Jared caught him by surprise though, and he was enamored with him from the moment he set eyes on him.

He has had one relationship in the past, Brian, but he is beginning to believe that he truly didn’t know what it was like to be in love until Jared entered his life. He didn’t feel as strongly for Brian as he does for Jared. Not to say that he didn’t care about Brian - he was his first boyfriend after all - but with Jared he is feeling emotions that he never thought he could, or even knew existed.

He has also built stronger friendships here than he ever did in Texas. When he left home he left without looking back, and he hasn’t spoken to his friends since. He doesn’t think he could do that this time around, he wouldn’t be able to leave and not miss these guys something fierce. It just shows him that all his friendships growing up weren’t the everlasting kind and that makes him kind of sad because he did have some pretty nice friends, like John and Billy. But in comparison, they hold nothing on his friends now. He believes he has made friendships that will last a lifetime and that is a good feeling.

“What are you thinking about?” Jared’s voice breaks through Jensen’s thoughts and brings him back to the present.

“My life,” he whispers, realizing how silly he sounds. “Just thinking about how great I have it here.”

“It is pretty awesome here,” Jared agrees softly.

Jensen nods his head unnecessarily. “You remember how we went to Disneyland some months ago?” Jensen asks randomly, something he does quite often. “That was really great, getting to do something I’ve always wanted to, ya know. Now that I think about it, there are other things I want to do as well, like rent a limo for no reason and, I dunno, go club hoppin’ or something.”

Jensen grows quiet for a moment and, when Jared doesn’t say anything, he continues, “I’m gonna make a list of all the things I want to do and mark them off as I do each one. I‘m gonna get started on them as soon as I can too.”

“What’s brought this on?” Jared asks in confusion and when Jensen sits up he sees that his boyfriend is looking at him strangely, almost concerned.

“I dunno, I was just thinking about how my life was back in Texas and I realized how much I missed out on. I want to live life to the fullest, ya know,” Jensen smiles sheepishly as he looks down at the blanket beneath him. “Sorry if I was scaring you or something, I didn’t mean to. I was just thinking, ya know, I don’t want to have any regrets.”

Jared stares at him for the longest time with a soft look in his eyes before he takes Jensen’s hand in his own and smiles, albeit small. “I was a little worried, I’ll admit, but I get what you’re saying. I don’t blame you, either. I think you should do all the things you want to, and if anyone is determined enough to see it through, it would be you.”

“I think you mean stubborn,” Jensen laughs happily, smile remaining on his lips as he gazes down at Jared.

He doesn’t protest when Jared reaches up and pulls him down by his neck, connecting their lips in a kiss rough enough to bruise. He eagerly responds, running his tongue along Jared’s delectable bottom lip and practically praying for entrance. Jared doesn’t disappoint, opening his mouth as if on command and offering himself up to Jensen’s hunger. Usually Jared takes dominance over their kisses, plundering Jensen’s mouth with the need of a dying man, but this time Jensen is in control and relishes it.

Lying down once again, resting half his weight on the broad chest of his boyfriend, he begins to devour Jared’s mouth like he has always ached to do. He explores every nook and crevice with an eager tongue, tasting the watermelon flavored candy Jared ate earlier. Not an inch of Jared’s mouth goes untouched; Jensen makes sure to do a thorough job of familiarizing himself with the otherwise foreign terrain. He figures he must be doing something right, too, because low moans are emitting from the pliant man beneath him every once in a while. Who knew he could draw such pleasing sounds from Jared just by kissing him?

Jensen startles when he feels a hand suddenly beneath his jacket, pushing his shirt up to touch soft skin. He closes his eyes at the pleasing sensation, biting down on his lower lip to keep a moan from escaping. Jared is running his fingers along the stretch of skin just below his navel and right above the waistband on his jeans, which is pretty sensitive for Jensen. He would even go so far as to say this is one of his erogenous spots, and with Jared teasing him so nicely other parts of his body are becoming interested.

Jensen shivers in the cool night air but ignores it the best he can, in no hurry to end what they have started. With a wicked gleam in his eyes, he trails a hand down the length of Jared’s chest, briefly tracing a circle around his navel, and rests his hand over the button of his jeans. Jared’s eyes widen when he realizes what he has in mind but Jensen gives him no time to protest, slipping a hand into Jared’s jeans and taking his length in hand.

Jared arches up off the blanket when Jensen rubs his thumb over the crown, smearing the pre-come that has gathered there. He gazes up at Jensen, locking desire laden eyes with lust filled ones, and tries to keep their eye contact as Jensen begins to stroke him slowly, teasingly. A groan from deep within escapes, part desire and part frustration, and he squirms beneath Jensen.

“Come on Jen, you’re killing me here,” Jared practically whimpers, though Jensen is sure he would deny it if he brought it up. “I need… Oh, God, right there… I need…”

“What do you want Jay?” Jensen asks huskily. “You have to tell me what you want.”

Jensen stops his slow, teasing stroke on Jared’s cock to gently squeeze his balls, rolling them in the palm of his hand the best that he can. This draws another moan from the pliant man beneath him, Jensen enjoying watching him squirm.

“God, Jen, stop teasing me,” Jared pleads helplessly, gripping onto Jensen’s biceps almost painfully. “I can’t take it.”

“I’ll do whatever you want me to, Jay,” Jensen continues to torture his boyfriend teasingly. “You gotta tell me what you want me to do though.”

With a sudden strength Jensen didn’t know the desire-crazed man could accomplish, Jared wrenches Jensen’s hand out of his pants and pushes them both up. Jensen dazedly stares into Jared’s eyes, blackened by denied desire, and shivers unconsciously. With his grip still on Jensen’s biceps, Jared pulls him to his feet and begins dragging him toward the house, blanket lying forgotten behind them.

Jensen shivers again at the thought of what Jared plans on doing to him once they are inside the privacy of the house, delicious images running through his head. Anticipation strums through his veins and he finds himself just as anxious as Jared is, needing to get to the nearest bed or solid surface before he loses his mind. It wouldn’t surprise him in the least if they stripped naked out here from sheer impatience, in plain view for any passer-by to witness.

They somehow manage to make it into the house, but once they are inside all bets are off. As they climb the stairs they rid each other of their clothes, articles of clothing dropped in random areas as they make their way to the bedroom, bumping into walls and furniture as they fight with the more difficult pieces of clothing covering their bodies.

By the time they reach the bed both are down to their boxers. Jared none too gently pushes Jensen down onto the bed and practically pounces on top of him. Jensen squirms briefly until he is more comfortable, feet planted firmly on the bed with Jared positioned between his spread knees.

“You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about being in this exact position,” Jared whispers, sounding overwhelmed. “I can’t quite believe this is actually happening.”

Jensen smiles softly and nods his head in understanding, feeling the exact same way. Deciding to let actions speak for him, he pulls Jared down to eye level and leans up the rest of the way to capture his lips. Jared makes no complaint, giving Jensen full access to his mouth, giving control over easily. Jensen attacks his mouth with much emotion, trying to convey just what this means to him through the kiss.

A tremble runs through his body when he feels Jared’s hand trailing down his chest, stopping briefly to toy with his sensitive nipples. He arches up into the delicious sensation, all the while maintaining control of the kiss; which is a remarkable feat when Jared is pinching and rubbing like that. Eventually he continues lower and grabs hold of the hem of Jensen’s boxers when they are within reach and Jensen lifts up so he can pull them down his hips.

Jared is forced to pull out of the kiss so he can pull Jensen’s boxers off, and once that is accomplished he rids himself of his own as well. Jensen licks his lips as he gazes openly at Jared’s strong, muscular body. He has always known that Jared was beautiful, but seeing him completely naked for the first time is a sight to behold.

“Have you ever done this before?” Jared asks suddenly, looking nervous yet anxious at the same time.

“Yeah, I have. I’m no expert, of course, but I’m no virgin, either.” Jensen answers softly, tearing his eyes away from Jared’s body to meet his eyes.

Jared simply nods his head, asking no more. He reaches over the side of the bed and opens his duffel, pulling out a tube of KY and a condom. Jensen raises an eyebrow at this and Jared blushes scarlet, looking awkward in his own skin.

“You were expecting to get lucky, huh?” Jensen teases to lighten the mood, make Jared more comfortable and relaxed.

“Didn’t expect anything,” Jared replies, smile growing on his face, “I was just hoping.”

“Guess it’s a good thing you came prepared.”

Jared smiles all wide, dimpled, and completely adorable before becoming serious again, allowing himself a moment to look at Jensen’s body. With a wide, spread palm, he runs his hand all over Jensen’s chest, marveling at how the muscles twitch beneath his skin. Before Jensen can tease him, feeling uncomfortable under such scrutiny, Jared’s face is buried in his crotch, suckling on the head of his erection. All Jensen can manage is a gasp, a moan caught in his throat, as he arches up off the bed. With clenched fists he grasps at the bed sheets beneath him and tries to avoid thrusting up into Jared’s mouth, which proves to be rather difficult.

Jensen closes his eyes tightly, trying to gain control over himself, when he feels a lubed finger tracing his entrance. He is alerted to a familiar burning sensation when he feels that finger enter him slowly, thrusting in and out gently. Jared whispers soothing words as he stretches Jensen open, using three fingers to get him ready. Jensen has seen the size of Jared’s dick and right now he is very thankful for those three fingers, no matter the burn they are causing right now.

Jensen’s eyes squeeze shut and his breath hitches in his throat when Jared’s fingers brush that hidden spot inside of him that makes him see stars. He can hear Jared’s pleased words, but his mind can’t focus enough to know what he said exactly. Doesn’t really matter though, not when Jared is repeatedly rubbing against that bundle of nerves within him. Uncontrollable moans pass through Jensen’s lips as he pushes back against his boyfriend’s hand, needing far more attention on his prostate than he is receiving. Jared is teasing him, brushing but never applying much pressure, and Jensen just wants to scream at him.

He groans in disappointment when those amazing fingers disappear, eyes flying open to glare at Jared. The other man simply laughs, leaning down to tongue one of Jensen’s nipples. Jensen grabs hold of him though, and pulls him up to eye level, smashing their mouths together passionately. Jared groans into the kiss, pleased, and teases Jensen’s lips apart. They kiss for a few more minutes and then Jared is pulling away reluctantly, regretful expression on his face.

Jensen watches intensely as Jared grabs a condom and rips the package open with his teeth. Jensen takes it away from him and slides it down Jared's erection, teasing him by allowing his fingers to slowly slide along the stiff length and stroking it once before pulling away. Jared’s pupils are blown wide, staring down at Jensen like a predator. Jensen trembles at the intensity of the stare and smiles wickedly, spreading his legs a little further in invitation.

“You have any idea what you do to me Jen?” Jared growls as he takes his cock in hand and slowly guides it to the entrance to Jensen’s body.

Jensen doesn’t answer he merely concentrates on breathing through his nose as Jared pushes inside him at a torturously slow pace. He is grateful for the pace though, because it has been a while since he last had sex and Jared is considerably larger than his last boyfriend. He decides to keep this to himself because, while it is a compliment, the last thing he needs to be talking about at a time like this is his past experience with someone else.

By the look on Jared’s face Jensen can safely say it is taking all his self control not to just force his way inside. They both let out a sigh of relief, however, once Jared is buried to the hilt and seated firmly inside. Jensen forces himself to relax, trying to give his body time to adjust to Jared’s size, feeling incredibly full.

Jared leans down to initiate a tender kiss, soothing and caring. He keeps whispering endearments in Jensen’s ears as he places sweet kisses along his jaw and cheeks, stopping briefly here and there to give his mouth the same treatment. The initial pain Jensen experienced is starting to ebb away though, and he pushes back to show he is ready. Jared takes the hint and slowly pulls away, thrusting back in just as slow.

At the first gentle thrust Jensen throws his head back, neck arched, and Jared leans down to lavish wet, open mouthed kisses to the sensitive skin. This action brings forth more moans from Jensen, starting out soft and steadily growing in pitch. Jensen feels as though his body is ablaze, burning so deliciously with every thrust of Jared’s hips. The pain he felt before is now out of sight and out of mind, having paved the way for a pleasure so sweet.

When Jared lifts Jensen’s legs to his waist Jensen eagerly wraps them around him and holds him tight, digging his heels in so he can both draw Jared in deeper and gain purchase to thrust up to meet him. With one hand Jensen clutches at Jared’s forearm, which is gripping his hip, and reaches out with the other to stimulate one of Jared’s nipples.

“I’ve always heard that… ugh, oh my God… that this was incredible, but… nugh… you are so tight, Jen,” Jared gasps and groans through his sentence. “You feel… shit! You feel amazing.”

“Har… Oh, God... harder, Jared,” Jensen cries out desperately, seemingly unable to sate the need coursing through his system.

Jared angles differently to contact the center of pleasure inside and Jensen releases a loud inarticulate cry, modulating to a series of whimpers and soft moans. He does his best to meet each of Jared’s inward thrusts with a moan, each louder than the one previous. Jared’s grunts and moans join Jensen’s in the otherwise silent room, desperate to reach that haven of bliss only an orgasm can provide. Jensen is near delirious from the pleasure coursing through his highly alert, sensitive body and Jared is certainly losing himself in it as well.

“Ah! Right there,” Jensen practically screams with a vice like grip on Jared’s forearm, sure to leave bruises behind later. He is quickly losing his ability to think straight, much less form a comprehensible sentence. “I… I love you, Jay.”

“I love you, too,” Jared manages to gasp, carnal movements becoming erratic.

Obviously recognizing from his breathing and the uncontrollable jerks of his body that he is nearing his climax, Jared gains purchase with his knees set firmly on the bed, thrusting harder and faster than before. Jensen trembles deliciously when Jared slaps his hand away and wraps his own around his arousal, twisting his wrist on each upward stroke. Jensen knows he isn’t going to last much longer, no matter how he tries to hold it back.

When his orgasm hits him it manages to catch him by surprise and the intensity of it is dizzying. His essence explodes from him with a loud cry, landing on Jared’s chest and painting his own stomach.

Seeing Jensen reach his climax Jared picks up speed, thrusting hard and fast. As Jensen dazedly gazes up at Jared, watching him come apart above him, he smiles as love swells in his heart. The way he is feeling couldn’t be more perpetual and gratifying; he has never felt something so intense in his life. Jared achieves his own release moments later with a roar of relief, Jensen feels it filling the condom and can’t help wondering what it would feel like to have Jared fill him up instead. The thought disappears from his mind just as quickly as it came though, when Jared collapses on top of him and rests there. They are both slick with perspiration and panting like they can’t catch their breath.

Jared pulls out with a groan and rolls off of him a moment later, dropping down onto his back beside him. With a trembling hand, he takes off the soiled condom and ties it off before tossing it into the wastebasket placed conveniently next to the bed. He turns his head to face Jensen, movement slow and lazy, and catches his stare. The look that is shared between them couldn’t be consumed with more love; what they shared tonight was pivotal and they are both reeling with the after effect.

Rolling over onto his side takes more strength than Jensen thought it would and the ache in his backside tells him that sitting down tomorrow won’t be fun. He smiles at the thought, however. _The pain I’ll surely be in is a small price to pay ’cause it was so worth it_ , he thinks to himself dreamily.

He rests his head on Jared’s chest and wraps an arm around his waist while Jared wraps him up in a warm and caring embrace. He allows his eyes to drift closed, sleep fighting to drag him under. The rise and fall of Jared’s chest isn’t helping either; he finds it more soothing than anything else.

“Get some sleep now Jen, and in the morning I’ll make us some breakfast,” Jared whispers against the top of his head, placing a kiss there. “If you’re lucky I might even bring it to you in bed.”

“Sounds awesome…” Jensen mumbles sleepily, a small playful smile lifting his lips. “Just try not to burn it.”

The laughter that erupts from deep within Jared’s chest is rich and Jensen can feel the rumble of it from where his head is resting on Jared’s chest. He finds himself smiling goofily. _Yeah, life is good_ , Jensen says silently as he snuggles into his boyfriend’s side and slowly lets sweet oblivion descend upon him.

  
**Looking in your eyes, seeing all I need**   
** Everything you are is everything to me **   
** These are the moments I know heaven must exist **   
** These are the moments I know all I need is this **   
** I have all I've waited for **   
** And I could not ask for more **   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> I Could Not Ask For More - by Edwin McCain


	11. Barely Holding on to You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Ten:**  
 _Barely Holding on to You_  
-~*~-

July 10th, 2000

“Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?”

Jensen stares at the petite girl sitting across from him, feeling helpless because he doesn’t know how to comfort her. He has never been good at comforting people and right now is no exception. He feels strange, odd in his own skin. He wants to help his friend but he doesn’t know what to say, the words are evading him at the worst time. She came to him because she has come to trust him most of all their friends and all he can offer her is an ear and useless reassurance.

“Why do I let him do this to me? You would think by now I’d wake up and realize he isn’t worth it ‘cause he’s never going to change.” Sophia berates herself, red rimmed eyes and tears on her cheeks.

“It’s ‘cause you love him and hoped he would change,” Jensen says softly, knowing these words don’t really help her situation but he felt they needed to be said all the same.

He had come to Jared’s work, a local bookstore, to visit his boyfriend and found a tearful Sophia instead. Seeing her so broken just about destroyed his heart and he had sat down with her immediately when she ran into his arms, sobbing. He has been sitting here with her for the past thirty minutes and he has yet to make her feel any better.

Jensen’s instant emotion when he heard that Chad cheated on her was anger. He just can’t believe Chad would do that to her, _again_. He has lost a lot of respect for him and would like nothing better than to beat the crap out of him, which is strange because he isn’t a violent person usually.

He has become close with Sophia though, and oddly protective. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this; she is a good person with a big heart. He just can’t understand how anyone would cheat on her, especially more than once. What he really doesn’t understand is the fact that Chad cheated. He truly seemed to love her, so why would he do that to her? Sure, he flirts like crazy and talks about other girls almost religiously, but that was always harmless. He never actually wanted to be with those girls, he cared about Sophia too much, so, what changed?

“What did he say when you saw him kissing that girl? Did he give you an excuse?” Jensen has to ask because he just can’t wrap his mind around Chad cheating.

“I didn’t give him time to,” she sniffles and wipes away her tears, though the action is rather pointless. “He cheated on me once before and I didn’t want to hear his excuses a second time around.”

Jensen nods his understanding, sympathetic eyes never straying from his friend. “I’m sorry Soph, you don’t deserve this.”

“I don’t know, maybe I do,” She laughs humorlessly. “I mean, I was stupid enough to take him back the first time. I obviously shouldn’t have.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that so he elects to keep his mouth shut. He is still puzzled by the situation but Sophia did catch him red handed, so what more proof do you need?

Moving to the chair beside Sophia, he wraps an arm around her shoulders and lets her cry into his. _If I can’t help her with words actions will have to do_ , he thinks to himself as he holds her close, trying his best to console her. She truly seems to appreciate it too, so he figures he must be doing something right.

Chad may be one of his friends, and he can be a decent guy when he wants to be, but he realizes that Sophia could do so much better. She is a pretty girl with a lot to offer; any guy would be lucky to be with her. She will eventually find someone who deserves her, Jensen has no doubt about that. She may even be happier with someone else; Lord knows she isn’t happy right now.

They both raise their heads when someone approaches their table and Sophia immediately stands up when they see that their visitor is none other than Chad Michael Murray. She glares daggers at him for a moment before turning and swiftly walking away. Jensen watches as Chad rushes after her, begging that she listen to him. He watches in astonishment when she stops suddenly, twirls around and punches Chad in the jaw.

He always knew she could take care of herself, she is a strong girl after all, but it is something completely different to witness it. He strangely wants to cheer her on, congratulate her, hi-five her, something. He couldn’t be more proud of her than he is right now. Chad deserves it and he is glad to see her sticking up for herself.

“Please, would you just listen to me? Just hear me out, okay, I have a good explanation.” Chad pleads, palm rubbing his sore jaw.

“I’m tired of your excuses Chad, I put up with a hell of a lot from you but this is one thing I can’t overlook again. It’s over, get that through your thick skull,” Sophia growls, a death glare on her face, and then she is walking away once more.

Chad doesn’t follow her this time, he simply stands there and watches helplessly. With slumped shoulders, he turns around and takes a seat across from Jensen, who raises an eyebrow at this. Jensen isn’t exactly the best person for Chad to be sitting with at the moment, considering how pissed off he is at the other man. If he is looking for sympathy he should go to Jared because he won’t find it with Jensen.

Chad eventually lifts his gaze from the table and looks at Jensen with defeated eyes. Jensen simply looks back at him blankly, figuring it is Chad’s own fault for his misery. _Why should I feel bad for him when he put himself in this mess?_ Jensen silently concludes, mentally nodding his head.

“Dude, this is all just so fucked up and I don’t know what to do,” Chad finally says, running a hand down his face. “How can I explain it to her when she won’t even hear me out?”

“Do you deserve to have her listen to you?” Jensen says, unable to stop himself from asking the question incredulously.

“I’m telling you man, I _didn’t_ cheat on her, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that again. I love her, Jen, and I’d never hurt her like that,” Chad replies sincerely, looking as though the world has fallen down on top of him. “That girl kissed me, I didn’t kiss her back, I swear! I pushed her away but Sophia saw us and came to her own conclusion. Now she won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do.”

Jensen is quiet for a moment, not quite sure what he can say to help the distraught man. He has no doubt that Chad is telling him the truth, he can see it plainly on his face and in his eyes, but he doesn’t know if Sophia will be willing to hear him out. Jensen can’t blame her either; she puts up with a lot when it comes to her boyfriend. Chad really does love her though, so Jensen hopes they can work things out. Despite how odd their relationship is, they really do make a cute couple and they seem to have what it takes to make their relationship last.

“Why don’t you talk to Kristen or Aly and have one of them talk to Soph, let them tell her that you didn’t cheat and that she should talk to you about it.” Jared suddenly appears and sits down between them.

“Right now I’m willing to try anything, I don’t have any better ideas. I just hope she will listen to me ‘cause I don’t want to lose her,” Chad whispers, looking more vulnerable than Jensen has ever seen him. “Look, I’m gonna go and try to find one of the girls, I’ll talk to you guys later, though. And thanks for the advice Jared, let’s just hope it works.”

“Couldn’t hurt to give it a try. See ya later man, and good luck,” Jared responds as he watches their friend quickly leave the book shop and then he turns his attention to Jensen. “So, I’m assuming you came to see me and not to listen to our friends’ problems.”

“You would be correct in that assumption,” Jensen replies with a flirtatious smile. “How long you gonna be working?”

“I got another two hours left before I can leave,” Jared groans in response, glancing at the clock in irritation. “Why you asking, got plans for us tonight?”

“Not really, just wondering when you’re gonna be home is all.”

“Well, thankfully it won’t be too much longer. You wanna order a pizza tonight for dinner?”

“I never thought I’d say this but I think I’ve had enough pizza to last me a lifetime,” Jensen laughs, making a face at the thought of eating pizza again. “I’m kinda burnt out on it.”

Jared laughs heartily at this and Jensen smiles as he watches him, wondering if he can bring that beautiful sound out of his boyfriend more often. “I hear ya man, seems like that’s all we’ve been eating lately,” Jared nods his head as he says this. “How ‘bout Chinese, then?”

Jensen thinks about this for a moment, finding the idea appealing, and then nods his head. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Alright, I’ll pick it up after work, then.”

**:0Ж0:**

July 17th, 2000

Jensen slides his glasses off his face and rubs at his eyes, groaning at the heat in the room. Living in Texas you have to get used to the heat but right now, in California, he feels like he is boiling. Putting his glasses back in place, he grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs it over his head. He doesn’t usually prefer to walk around shirtless, too self-conscious of his body, but right now he is too hot to care.

He has nothing to do until Jared gets back from work and all the ideas he comes up with to keep himself occupied are tedious and unfulfilling. His growling stomach reminds him, once again, of his hunger so fumbles around in his nightstand drawer and pulls out a bag of Doritos. Taking his chips over to his desk, he sits down and powers up his computer. Figuring that chatting online for a while could pacify his boredom, he enters a chat room and pushes himself into the conversations taking place.

Talking dispassionately with these anonymous people on the internet makes him think of his own friends, Chad and Sophia in particular. Things are still rocky between the couple but they are working on their relationship and Jensen hopes they can stay together. It took a while to get Sophia to listen to even Kristen, but eventually Aly was the one to get through to her and Sophia finally broke down and talked things out with Chad. She is working on her trust issues and Chad hasn’t said a word about another girl since the incident, so there might be hope for them yet.

Jensen is pulled from his thoughts when Jared enters the room, trying to keep a hold of the bag of food in his hand, shut the door, and talk on his cell at the same time. Jensen smiles at the sight and stands to help his boyfriend. Jared smiles his gratitude and moves over to his bed as Jensen places the bag of food on the desk.

“No, I’m not taking on more than I can handle, I’m managing just fine with work and my studies,” Jared rolls his eyes as he says this and Jensen smiles to himself, sure that his boyfriend is talking to a member of his family.

Being near silent, Jensen walks to his bed and lies down on his side, watching Jared with interest. Jared scowls, hating to have an audience when on the phone, and shifts away. Jensen chuckles lightly, refusing to acknowledge that it sounded more like a giggle than anything else, and keeps his eyes on the man across from him. He knows that Jared hates it but he can’t help himself.

Jared lets out a huff and Jensen can imagine he is rolling his eyes in annoyance right now. Jared does that a lot; it is a habit he doesn’t even seem to know he has. Jensen doesn’t understand why but he finds that endearing about his boyfriend.

“Mom, no, there’s no girl in my life at the moment,” Jared replies quietly and Jensen’s attention is immediately captured. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, I have other things on my plate that I need to concentrate on… _no_ , I don’t want you setting me up with anyone! Besides, I live all the way over here in Cali and I really don’t want the pressure of a long distance relationship on my shoulders. When I’m ready to find someone I will, but it’s gotta be on my own terms.”

Jared’s broad shoulders are set firm, tension radiating off his posture, and Jensen lowers his eyes to the blanket covering his bed. He had a feeling that Jared’s parents were pestering him about finding a girl and settling down, but from Jared’s side of the conversation with his mom, he now has evidence of his theory.

Both Jensen’s and Jared’s moods are dampened considerably as Jared’s mom obviously argues with her son, Jensen can tell just from his boyfriend’s slumped shoulders. Jared lowers his head and rubs at his face tiredly, glancing over at Jensen briefly. From the look in his eyes and the expression on his face Jensen can tell that he is troubled.

Jensen is aware of how much family means to Jared and he is beginning to wonder if this is going to be a problem for them. Jared would never want to do anything to disappoint his family and fears losing them more than anything, so… _If they were to disapprove of our relationship and it came down to them or me.. would Jared leave me?_ Jensen asks the terrifying question in his head, unable to speak it aloud.

He knows he really shouldn’t be worrying over such things until there comes a time when he will have to, but he just can’t seem to avoid it. Hearing Jared on the phone with his mom, seeing how tense he is and how he looks almost defeated, Jensen can’t help but wonder if this could get in the way of their relationship one day.

_Just stop thinking about it Jensen!_ He mentally scolds himself. _Jared loves me, he wouldn’t let this tear us apart, he’d find a way to make it work._

“Alright, mom, I have to go now, I’m going to eat my dinner,” Jared says, sounding exasperated. “Fine, I’ll call you again as soon as I can. Tell everyone I love them and give Megan a hug for me… Love you too mom, talk to you later.”

Jared hangs up the phone, dropping his hand down into his lap, and Jensen frowns when he doesn’t turn around to face him. His forehead creases in concern when Jared continues to sit there silently, not even moving an inch. Jensen knows that the conversation with his mom has put his boyfriend in a sour mood, but should he look so depressed?

“Hey, Jay, is everything okay?” Jensen finally asks when he can no longer handle the silence.

Jared visibly startles back into awareness and glances back at Jensen, offering him a smile that doesn’t even reach his eyes. This only manages to worry Jensen further. Jared has never acted this way before after a phone call from home. Jensen has to wonder what is different this time and what has upset his boyfriend so much. Jared is usually full of smiles, some wider than others but all genuinely happy; this smile seems forced and lacking the joy they usually contain.

“Nothing’s wrong, Jen, don’t even worry about it,” Jared answers, standing up and grabbing the bag of food Jensen abandoned on the desk. Jensen gives his boyfriend a skeptical stare to which Jared sighs. “I’m serious, I might be missing my family a little, but other than that all is fine.”

“If you say so,” Jensen says slowly, not completely convinced but knowing better than to pressure Jared into talking to him. “What did you pick up for us?”

Jared holds up the bag of food, bottom saturated with grease, and smiles wolfishly. “In this bag here, we have two delicious cheese burgers and more fries than either of us will be able to eat.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow in disbelief at this, “Somehow I highly doubt that, Jay,” He responds with a laugh while Jared just pouts. “We both know you have an appetite that exceeds the portions of food _any_ restaurant has to offer.”

Jared shrugs at this nonchalantly, not admitting anything but not denying it either. “You really shouldn’t mock the man that brought food home, I just might decide to be stingy and keep it all to myself.”

“Where’d you go to get it?” Jensen questions as he snatches the bag out of Jared’s hand and takes out the food that is rightfully his.

Jared scowls at his rudeness for a long moment before finally answering his question. “You know that restaurant by my work?”

“John’s Place,” Jensen answers before taking a large bite of his cheeseburger, looking up at his boyfriend with full attention.

Jared shakes his head at Jensen’s actions. “Yeah, I stopped there before heading home. Figured you’d like something a little different. Besides, that place has good food, if I do say so myself.”

“Where are the drinks?” Jensen questions just to be difficult. _Oh, I enjoy giving him a hard time, it is far too easy!_ Jensen snickers to himself.

Jared deadpans at this and Jensen finally can’t hold in his laughter anymore, full body shudders wracking his slender frame as he fights to breathe and laugh at the same time. Jared rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, patiently waiting for Jensen’s fit to calm down. Jensen’s laughter doesn’t cease right away though, and when it finally tones down a bit he can’t stop himself from smirking at Jared in amusement.

“You have been mean to me ever since I got here, see if I ever bring food home to you again.” Jared pouts like a toddler, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Jensen unhappily.

“Aww, don’t be like that, you know I tease you out of love,” Jensen coos, fighting to keep a smile off his face and his laughter at bay. He gets the feeling he isn’t succeeding as well as he had hoped though.

“You’re a jackass!” Jared scowls as he stands up and heads to the door. “I’m gonna go grab some sodas from the vending machine just so I can get away from you for a few minutes.”

Jensen’s hearty laughter follows him as he walks out the door, grumbling about ungrateful and rude boyfriends as he leaves the room. Jensen watches him go, tears of laughter in his eyes, and can’t help thinking, _God, I love that man._

**:0Ж0:**

July 24th, 2000

Jensen pushes Mike away from him as the other man, once again, tries to jump onto his back. Mike acts like a crazy person most of the time but get some alcohol in his system and he becomes unbearable. It had been Chris’ idea that they all go out to the Roadside Bar, which has become their hangout and a place they go when they need to unwind. Jared is of age now as well, so they go out a lot more than they used to.

Jensen is beginning to regret his decision to tag along, however, because Mike has made it his personal mission to jump on him every chance he gets. This, of course, serves well for everyone else’s entertainment, including Jared’s. _Jerk_ , Jensen thinks spitefully as he glowers at his grinning boyfriend.

“I’m not ready to go home yet, the night’s still young,” Mike says excitably, practically bouncing as he walks.

“Well, I can’t stay out all night like you’re so obviously wanting. I have class in the morning and I have to be at work by two in the afternoon,” Jensen voices, though he begins to question why he felt the need when all this does is capture Mike’s attention and once again, the other man is attempting to jump up onto his back. _Does he have something against walking?_ Jensen silently questions as he pushes Mike away once more, growing more irritated.

“Come on man, my back is free if ya want it,” Tom says suddenly and Mike perks up immediately.

Jensen smiles gratefully and Tom winks in return, hunching down so Mike can wrap his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist. Once Mike is situated everyone continues walking once more in the direction of the college. The walk is long; they left the bar some time ago, and they still have a few blocks to go but this doesn’t bother any of them, except Chris. Chris had absolutely refused to walk, actually looking disgusted by the idea, so they parted ways with him and Steve back at the bar. They had opted to take a taxi back to their house because Chris bitched long and hard about walking.

Jensen turns his head to the right to see Jared walking silently beside him, out of arms reach with his hands in his pockets. Jensen tries not to let this get to him, he knows how Jared feels about being out in public after all, but it still manages to grate on his nerves a little. He knows that to argue with Jared about this would be petty though, so he keeps his mouth shut. He just tells himself to have a little patience and eventually Jared will be ready. _Do I really believe that anymore?_ Jensen questions silently, suddenly feeling very doubtful.

Jensen’s thoughts stray to how Jared has been acting lately and a deep frown creases his forehead. His boyfriend has been growing increasingly distant ever since that conversation with his mom a few days ago and Jensen doesn’t know how to broach the subject with him, doesn’t know if he even wants to. He is worried about the other man, and feels powerless as to how to help him.

Jared refuses to talk to him about what is going on and Jensen hasn’t even a clue as to what is going through his head. He can tell that there is something bothering his boyfriend, he can see it in his eyes and can tell by how he has been acting, but Jared has yet to confide in him and Jensen is beginning to wonder if he ever will.

Jared’s secrecy hasn’t affected their relationship, not really, so he isn’t going to pressure his boyfriend into talking. Once it begins to put a strain on it, then Jensen will pester Jared into confiding in him, but until then he isn’t going to push his boyfriend. _Doesn’t mean I have to stop worrying about him though_ , Jensen reasons as he keeps his eyes on Jared, who is as silent as he has been the past couple of days. This is uncharacteristic behavior for him since he usually can’t keep his mouth shut for long. Jensen sees it as just another reason to worry about him.

“We should all go out to dinner sometime, but some place nice for once,” Kristen says suddenly, capturing everyone’s attention

“Like where exactly,” Sophia asks, intrigued.

“I was thinking Applebee’s, some place like that.”

“That’s what you consider to be ‘nice’?” Chad asks mockingly, incredulous expression covering his features.

Kristen glares at Chad, “It’s better than McDonald’s or Del Taco, any place that isn’t fast food is a ‘nice place’ in my book.”

“It sounds appealing to me,” Alison pipes up, ever the joyful one. “We should make it a tradition or something. We could go out to eat at a ‘nice’ restaurant once a month. It will be the one time of each month where we‘ll all get together and hang out. We don‘t get to do that enough and this way we all have something to look forward to.”

“We’ll have to talk about it with Chris and Steve, but I’m in for that idea.” Mike says after a moment, a friendly smile lighting up his face.

“You’re only saying that ‘cause your girlfriend suggested it,” Chad mocks him, seemingly unhappy unless he is putting someone else down.

“And _your_ girlfriend thinks it’s a good idea too,” Sophia speaks up, smirk directed solely at Chad. “You have any objections about that?”

Chad grumbles a moment, none too happy about being ganged up on, and simply shakes his head in answer. Sophia smiles smugly and this ends the discussion. Jensen shakes his head in bemusement as he watches his friends, thinking they just might be crazy, and then motions to Jared that they have reached campus.

They say their goodbyes to their friends, Jensen promising to meet up with Sophia for lunch tomorrow, and then they are heading into the building. They walk silently side by side, their footfalls echoing off the walls. Jensen can’t understand where the awkward tension has come from; it seems to come out of nowhere, and he wonders if Jared can feel it too. _I can’t see how he wouldn’t be able to with how thick it is_ , he thinks dryly to himself as they trudge down the hall.

Moments later they reach their room and Jared stands quietly behind him as Jensen unlocks the door. The moment they are within the confines of their room Jared takes a seat at his desk and slumps down lazily into the chair. Jensen watches him in concern for a second before finally moving over to his night stand and grabbing his glasses.

Grabbing his night clothes, Jensen heads into the bathroom without a word to Jared and takes out his contacts, switching them with his glasses. He then changes his clothes and brushes his teeth for the night. Once that is taken care of he rests his palms on the marble sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are dull with burden and filled with worry while his expression is crestfallen and clearly shows what his boyfriend‘s distance is doing to him emotionally.

_You need to get it together_ , he coaches himself firmly and determinedly, _Jared doesn’t need to deal with your problems on top of his own, he has enough weight on his shoulders._

When he returns from the bathroom Jared is sitting in the same position he left him in, eyes closed and weary expression. His shoulders are slumped, seemingly unconsciously, like the weight of the world rests upon them and his lips are turned down in a frown. Jensen can’t stand seeing his boyfriend this way; whatever is bringing him anguish needs to be dealt with before it consumes him and leaves a mere shell behind.

Never taking his eyes off the man a few feet away, Jensen takes a seat on his bed and leans his back against the wall. “Jay, what’s wrong?” He finally asks the question that has been avoided until now. “Don’t tell me it’s nothing either, ‘cause I’m not naïve and I can see it on your face.”

Jared releases a heavy, burdened sigh before opening his eyes and meeting Jensen’s stare with a guarded expression. “It’s nothing to worry about, Jen. I just have some things on my mind.”

“Well, it’s obviously something to be concerned about when it puts that look on your face,” Jensen argues lightly, regarding Jared with searching eyes. “I don’t mean to push you man, but I’m really worried about you. Since when have you ever felt that you couldn’t talk to me about things that were bothering you? Does this concern me or our relationship in any way?”

Jared rises from the desk chair slowly, heated gaze fixed on Jensen as he heads to the door and when the lock slides into place the sound reverberates throughout the otherwise silent room. Jensen shivers at the implication and from the heat of Jared’s stare.

He knows that Jared is avoiding the subject, opting to distract Jensen so he doesn’t have to answer. Just as he is about to call him out on this Jared is pressing him into the mattress and devouring his mouth hungrily. Jensen knows where this is going, and he is a little irked that Jared would use _this_ against him, but he finds it difficult to put a stop to it when he is being kissed so thoroughly.

When his boyfriend’s hand disappears beneath the elastic of his pajama pants, Jensen’s mind effectively shuts down and all he knows is pleasure so exquisite that moans continuously fall from his lips.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen idly strums the guitar he received on his birthday as he listens to Kristen complain about some girl in her class that was flirting shamelessly with Mike. While he does agree that the girl was out of line, he can’t help finding the whole situation amusing, mainly because seeing such a petite girl so pissed off is an interesting sight. He has come to know Mike pretty well and he thinks it is safe to assume that he was eating up all the attention, all the time not knowing just how pissed off his girlfriend really was.

“The slut was still flirting with him even after I told her that he was taken,” she fumes, fire blazing behind her eyes. “If we hadn’t been in class I would’ve slapped that tramp! I mean, who does she think she is? I’m not the type of girl to mess with, I may be small but I’ve got claws. No one flirts with my man, in front of me no less, and gets away with it.”

“Yeah, but you got your revenge when Mike left the class with you and spared her no passing glance,” Jensen points out to boost her ego.

“Hell yeah, take that bitch!” she laughs cheerfully, sending a megawatt smile in Jensen’s direction. “Sorry ‘bout coming here, ranting and raving, that hadn’t been my intention when I asked to hang out this morning.”

Jensen smiles in amusement at the sheepish blush on her cheeks and shakes his head dismissively. “Doesn’t bother me, so don’t worry ‘bout it. Besides, I’m kind of used to it by now. Soph uses my ears for _all_ her complaints anyway.”

Kristen laughs and nods her head in sympathetic understanding, shifting onto her stomach with her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. “I can see why everyone goes to you when they need to talk, or rant in my case.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow and motions for her to elaborate. “You’re just a really good listener and you seem to know the right things to say to cheer someone up,” she explains, shrugging casually. “Thanks for listening to me, I needed it.”

Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “It’s not a problem, I don’t mind. Just means that all of you owe me, so whenever I am in need of an ear or advice you better be prepared.” He says this in mock warning and it earns him a laugh from the brunette beside him.

“Duly noted,” Kristen responds, giving a sharp nod of her head resolutely. “So, tell me, how are things going for you and Jared?”

Jensen takes a moment to answer her question, deciding that he isn’t quite ready to talk to anyone about the problems that have been growing between them and simply shrugs his shoulders. “Everything is fine with us. Our relationship is still going smoothly, thankfully.” Even as he says this he feels like crap for lying to her.

Sure, things could be worse between them, but Jared is still as distant as he was before and the distance just seems to grow with each day that passes. As for what he should do to stop it, Jensen is at a loss. He feels helpless and he doesn’t like it. Jared has become a mystery to him since he refuses to tell Jensen what is bothering him and Jensen isn’t quite sure where that leaves them. He feels like the other man is a million miles away and he doesn’t know how to reach him anymore. He is walking down a dead end path and he is afraid that once he reaches the end of the road all he will find are tears.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Kristen speaks sincerely when she says this. “If anyone has the potential of having a lasting relationship it would be the two of you.”

Jensen isn’t quite sure how to reply to this, though he is touched by her words. It is just that he isn’t sure how long they are going to last with this huge issue between them. Kristen sounds so positive that what they have is genuine and meant to last, and he used to think this way, but he has become doubtful. How can a relationship survive when one half of the whole is pulling away?

“Well, as much as I don’t want to, I guess I better be going. I still have a paper to work on and I’m supposed to go to a movie with Aly tonight,” Kristen says with a groan as she lifts herself up from the bed and gives Jensen a brief hug. “I will see you later.”

“Alright, have fun at the movies and good luck on your paper,” Jensen calls out to her before she opens the door and leaves.

Jensen removes the guitar from his lap and sets it beside his bed, leaning it against his night stand. He pulls his journal from the drawer, deciding he has nothing better to do so he might as well make an entry, and flips to a blank page. He stops abruptly, however when he notices that the handwriting on the latest entry isn’t his own. He is instantly wary when he recognizes it as Jared’s writing. He has written here of his fears and now he is worried that Jared has seen what he wrote.

_Jen,_

_I know what you’re probably thinking, that I read your journal again, but you don’t have to worry. I haven’t invaded your privacy again, I wouldn’t do that to you. There are just some things I have wanted to talk to you about, things you need to be reassured on, only I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you in person. I know that makes me a coward, but that’s just me, I guess._

_I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend to you lately. I know you would deny this and try to make me feel better about it but we both know this is the truth. I haven’t been there for you like I should be and I am so sorry for that. Things have just been eating at me lately, and I know it’s bothering you that I won’t confide in you, it’s just I haven’t been in a sharing mood lately and I find it hard to talk about with anyone._

_As you know I have never been in a relationship with a guy before, and I won’t even try to deny that I don’t quite know what I’m doing. Our relationship is hard on me at times, and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but I figured you deserved the truth. This doesn’t make me love you any less though, ‘cause I love you more than I ever thought I could. It is just hard for me to show my feelings sometimes._

_I know I’ve been distant lately, and I wish I could explain it to you, but there are just so many different thoughts going through my head right now that I need to sort out before I can even attempt to talk to you. I hope you can understand and try to be patient with me. I promise I will come to you once I have everything figured out, I just need a little time._

_Also, I know it bothers you that I won’t act like a boyfriend to you in public, and while I know that is what you deserve, I just can’t get past these irrational fears in my head. I’m not ready to show me to the world. You deserve so much better than me, I know someone else could give you everything I can’t, or won‘t I should say, but I am so grateful to be the one you chose. You have to know you mean the world to me and while I might not always show it, it’s the truth._

_I’m sorry if I am hurting you in any way by my reluctance, it’s honestly the last thing I ever wanted to do. I’m trying to be the man you deserve, even if it doesn’t seem like it, I am honest to God trying, I swear. I am sure I will be ready one day to shout our love to the world, but right now I am just not ready for that. I don’t want to lose you over this but I also feel that pushing myself before I’m ready would be a mistake both of us would come to regret._

_Please don’t give up on me yet, Jen._

A smile crawls onto Jensen’s face as he finishes reading the words on the page, slowly closing his journal. The last thing he expected was to find a letter from Jared, but he is glad that he did. With his mind focused on his boyfriend, all Jensen can think is, _just when I start doubting the strength of our relationship he goes and catches me completely off guard… Damn, I love this man._


	12. All Alone in Love?

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Eleven:**  
 _All Alone in Love?_  
-~*~-

Jensen lifts his head when the door opens and smiles welcomingly at his boyfriend. Jared’s eyes light up the moment they fall on the guitar in his hands and immediately Jensen can see the plea before it leaves Jared’s lips. Jensen shakes his head in refusal as he puts the guitar on the floor but Jared nods his head fervently in response, picking up the abandoned guitar and placing it in Jensen’s lap once more.

“Please Jen,” Jared whines, using those puppy eyes for all they are worth. “I never get to hear you sing! Do this for me, please?”

Jensen simply looks at Jared for a long time, hesitant because he doesn’t like singing in front of anyone, but eventually he situates the guitar on his lap and strums it experimentally. He glances up to see Jared watching him expectantly and knows he isn’t going to get out of this, his boyfriend won’t allow it. _God, he’s like a dog with a bone_ , Jensen muses to himself as he decides on a song and begins to play the second verse, albeit shakily.

After a few moments, Jensen abruptly stops playing and looks at Jared miserably. “I can’t do it Jay, my voice is shaking like hell and I sound like shit!”

The laugh Jensen was expecting never comes. Instead, Jared soothes him with a ‘shush’ and moves to sit behind him. Running his hands down Jensen’s arms in a caress, he places a kiss to the nape of Jensen’s neck and tells him that he was doing great. Jensen takes a deep, calming breath and rests his hands on the guitar, leaning back into the comforting warmth of his boyfriend.

“It might be easier now that I’m not staring at you,” Jared whispers into his ear, breath washing over already heated skin. “Go on, try again.”

Jensen takes another breath in an attempt to calm his nerves and steady his trembling voice. _It's just Jared_ , he silently tells himself, _he wouldn’t make fun of you, he wants to hear you sing after all._ Opening his mouth, Jensen tries again.

As Jensen sings he finds that it comes to him a little easier as he goes along, especially with the reassuring comfort of Jared against his back. He is feeling more at ease now than he was mere moments ago and the words seemingly fall from his lips of their own accord.

Jensen shivers pleasantly when he feels Jared’s lips on the side of his neck, his mouth closing over the place where Jensen’s shoulder meets his neck, wet tongue sliding over his heated skin. It makes it a little difficult for him to keep playing, especially with how his voice hitches and trembles out of passion, but Jensen finds that he doesn’t care.

Jared moves up to Jensen’s ear at an achingly slow pace, closing his mouth around the lobe before whispering, “I love you Jen, never forget that.”

A smile crawls onto Jensen’s face, making the words of the song sound strange and disfigured, and he makes no protests when Jared takes the guitar out of his hands. Jared moves out from behind him and he allows himself to be pushed onto his back. Jared is atop him mere seconds later, smiling down at him mischievously, and Jensen wraps his legs around his boyfriend’s waist. With his eyes he silently pleads with Jared to make love to him and Jared wastes no time in divesting him of his clothes.

**:0Ж0:**

September 18th, 2000

Jensen lies in bed, thoughts keeping him wide awake, and listens to the ticking of the clock on his night stand. He hadn’t gotten much sleep last night and had rushed back to the room after his class, intent on getting a couple hours sleep before heading off to work, but so far it hasn’t worked out the way he had planned. He is still as tired as he was when he entered the room but his mind is making it impossible to fall asleep, even though his body is screaming for a little rest.

Finally admitting defeat, Jensen pushes himself into a sitting position and releases a heavy sigh. Picking up his guitar he absentmindedly begins to strum out an unknown melody. As he idly plays the guitar the melody grows somber and melancholic as his thoughts take his mind away.

He can’t help wishing that Jared were here but the thought of his boyfriend just puts him in a depressed mood. Despite what Jared wrote in his journal, things haven’t gotten even remotely better, instead they have just gotten worse. Jared has become more distant and withdrawn, though the other man denies it vehemently each time Jensen brings it up.

He can’t seem to get his boyfriend to do anything with him anymore. Unless they are going out with the rest of their friends they stay in their room. Jensen can’t help feeling as though their relationship has been confined to their dorm or Chris and Steve’s place. Every time Jensen suggests going out to eat together or to see a movie Jared shoots him down. That doesn’t stop Jensen from trying though.

Another thing he can’t stop thinking about is the fact that Jared hasn’t touched him since the night he asked him to play a song for him, two whole months ago. Having his boyfriend act like he doesn’t even want to touch him bothers Jensen significantly. He can’t understand how things went downhill so quickly. He feels like he is losing the other man and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to confront Jared but is afraid of what he will find out if he does. He doesn’t see how this could be a simple issue, not with how much Jared has drawn away from him.

_Why doesn’t he want to touch me anymore? Is he falling out of love with me?_ Jensen can’t help but wonder. Jared is giving him no reason to believe otherwise, so really, what is he supposed to think? _He doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore, not even go out to the movies like we used to._

Jensen groans in frustration at the thoughts running through his head and removes the guitar from his lap, leaning it against his nightstand. He covers his face with the palms of his hands as he lets out a long, drawn out sigh. He just wishes his boyfriend would talk to him, open up even just a little. He needs to know what is going on, what is making his boyfriend pull away from him. He feels helpless, clueless, and scared because of the situation he has found himself in. He needs Jared to reassure him that everything is going to be okay and that he still loves him.

He figures the source of the problem starts with Jared’s parents because he is most distant whenever he gets off the phone with his mom or dad. He always pushes Jensen away and recedes inside himself so deeply that Jensen can’t reach him. He can tell his boyfriend is distraught - something is seriously bothering him, and Jensen would like to help him with whatever it is - yet at the same time, he has to admit he is a little afraid to know what the problem is.

He can’t help getting the feeling that whatever is bothering his boyfriend would hurt _him_ badly. That is why he hasn’t broached the subject, he is afraid to hear the words. He has no doubt that this is something he really doesn’t want to hear because he is afraid once the truth is revealed he will lose Jared.

_Things can’t possibly go on the way they are either_ , Jensen silently acknowledges. _This isn’t just going to go away, and the chances of losing him are greater if I continue to sit here and do nothing._

Jensen is drawn out of his conflicting and disheartening thoughts when the door opens and Jared steps into the room. They lock eyes briefly but Jared turns away with that same unreadable look in his eyes that Jensen has become so familiar with. He crosses the few feet it takes to reach his bed and throws his body down onto the mattress. Jensen keeps his gaze on his boyfriend, who has his eyes closed off from him, and he can see the tension in his boyfriend’s form as Jared lies rigidly on his back.

Without further hesitation, Jensen crosses the space between their beds and sits down awkwardly next to his boyfriend. Jared tenses immediately the moment Jensen’s hand makes contact with his forearm and his eyes snap open, looking at him guardedly.

“What’s going on, Jay?” Jensen asks on a sigh, eyes pleading. “Talk to me man.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, I’m fine,” Jared replies stubbornly, setting his jaw firmly and forcing his eyes away.

“Don’t give me that, I can see right through you,” Jensen chides lightly, though what he really wants to do is yell and scream out his frustration. “Besides, you told me something was bothering you already.”

“Yeah, and I specifically remember telling you that I’d come to you when I was ready to talk.” Jared practically growls as he wrenches Jensen’s hand off of his arm and rises from the bed, pacing the room like a caged animal with a wild look in his eyes.

“That was two months ago Jared!” Jensen exclaims in disbelief, standing up as well and facing his boyfriend determinedly. “I have tried to be patient and give you the space you asked for, but the more time I give you, the more you distance yourself from me. I can’t stand by and watch our relationship fade away anymore, I love you so damn much and this is killing me. Why can’t you just talk to me about this? Tell me what is bothering you; whatever it is we can deal with it together.”

Jared whirls around and Jensen jumps, startled, by the fierce glare directed solely at him. “I can’t deal with this shit from you right now. I told you I’d tell you when I was ready. Why do you have to keep pushing me?”

“Okay, fine, I don’t want to fight,” Jensen raises his hands in a sign of surrender and drops down onto his bed with a sigh, watching his boyfriend with pained eyes.

Jensen can see that anger is still dominating Jared’s mood but he can also detect a hint of guilt as well. Jared’s movements are weary as he takes a seat on his own bed and drops his face into his awaiting hands, running one through his hair.

Jensen watches his boyfriend hesitantly before even attempting to open his mouth. “What do ya say we go see a move tonight after I get off work? It’s been a while since we’ve done that.”

Jared raises his head a moment later and locks eyes with Jensen, looking for all the world like he wants to go out tonight, but, with a pinched expression, he shakes his head. “No, I have an early class tomorrow and I’ve been really tired all day. I’m just gonna crash early tonight.”

Jensen simply nods his head, having already expected this answer, though that doesn’t make it hurt any less. “Yeah, whatever, I need to head to work,” he says as he stands and walks into the bathroom before Jared can say a thing.

Once the door is closed behind him, he leans against it and slides down to the floor. He tightly closes his eyes against the sting of tears threatening to break past his barriers and takes a steadying breath. He tries to tell himself that everything is going to be alright, that one day in the future he will look back on this and laugh, but he isn’t so convinced.

**:0Ж0:**

September 19th, 2000

Walking alongside Chris and Steve, they enter Starbucks and give Chris their orders. Chris moves ahead of them to stand in line while Jensen and Steve find a window seat. Steve has been watching him closely all day, though he hasn’t said a word. Jensen knows that his friend can tell that there is something bothering him, and he realizes that he should probably get all of this off his chest, but he just doesn’t quite know what to say.

Besides, Jensen feels a little weird about talking about their problems with Chris and Steve because they were Jared’s friends first. He doesn’t necessarily have anything bad to say about his boyfriend, but he would be talking about the issues they are having and he doesn’t want to put Chris and Steve in any position where they might have to take sides; it just wouldn’t be fair. Not to mention he wouldn’t want to anger or upset Jared if they were to agree with Jensen. He doesn’t want to be the cause of any problems between Jared and his friends. _It’s just not worth it_ , he decides resolutely.

Right at this moment Chris joins them at the table and passes them their drinks. Steve is still staring at him curiously, concerned, but Jensen just smiles slightly and looks away. He tries to wrack his brain for any subject of conversation that has nothing to do with his issues with Jared but he comes up empty handed.

Chris lets out a sigh and fixes a steady gaze on Jensen, one that tells Jensen not to bullshit him. “Okay son, I can’t take your pouty look any longer, what the hell is going on with you?”

Jensen’s mouth gapes open and places a sour frown on his lips. “I’m not pouting.”

“Dude, you’ve been pouting all day, don’t deny it,” Steve counters sternly, though his eyes and smile are soft and reassuring. “We can see that something’s bothering you, Jen. You can talk to us. Come on, tell us what’s going on?”

Jensen hesitates for a moment before letting out a sigh and shaking his head “Yeah, something is bothering me, but I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s bullshit and we all know it,” Chris huffs with a firm stare. “I can tell that you’re just itching to get this off your chest, so why deny yourself? We’re sitting right here man, we’re willing to listen and help you in any way we can.”

“I don’t want to bring you into the middle of this, it wouldn’t be right or fair for either of you,” Jensen turns down their offer somewhat reluctantly. “Jared and I are having problems right now and it wouldn’t be fair to put you in that position.”

“Don’t even go there, you know better than that. We’re your friends just as much as we’re Jared’s,” Steve scolds him lightly, getting a nod of agreement from Chris. “We’re not the type of people to take sides, if Jared’s in the wrong or you are, we aren’t afraid to say so.”

“Yeah, man, we tell it like we see it. It doesn’t matter if we’ve known Jared longer than you, we still wouldn’t take his side if he’s in the wrong,” Chris reassures him in that annoyed fashion he has perfected. “Now tell us what the hell is going on before we beat it out of ya.”

Jensen smiles at that and shakes his head, quietly wondering how he ever managed to befriend such great people. “It’s just that I…,” he trails off on a sigh and looks up at his friends, eyes full of misery. “I think I’m losing him.”

Chris and Steve both have identical expressions of disbelief on their faces as they look at him like he has suddenly gone insane. “That’s crazy man, Jared’s the last person you could lose,” Chris says like he is stating the obvious.

Steve nods his head in agreement. “Yeah, I mean, Jared adores you.”

“You guys don’t get to see how he acts around me when no one else is around,” Jensen replies quietly, lowering his gaze to stare down at the table top. “He might be in the room with me but it’s like he’s not really there because I couldn’t feel more alone. Things are different now, he’s so distant.”

“Explain what you mean by he’s distant,” Steve urges, trying to understand. “How are things different between you now from how it was before?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I honestly don’t see anything off between you guys,” Chris says in an uncharacteristically soft tone of voice.

“It’s so many things,” Jensen sighs unhappily. “He won’t go anywhere with me anymore unless it’s with you guys, he barely talks to me anymore and is easily angered.”

“He’s still afraid of doing anything public with you, huh?” Steve more or less states with a sympathetic expression. “I’m guessing he still hasn’t told his family about you either.”

“Yeah, he’s still freaked out about it. But I’m pretty much used to it. Not that I want to be, but I’ve come to expect that from him. So, no, that’s not what’s upsetting me at the moment. Something’s bothering him and he won’t talk to me about it. He’s been this way for a little over two months now and he still refuses to talk to me about it. I finally brought it up a couple of days ago and he got pissed, so I know better than to say anything now.”

Chris and Steve both seem surprised by what they are hearing and obviously don’t know what to say because they keep opening their mouths only to close them a second later. Jensen can tell even they are baffled by Jared’s behavior. Jared is usually happier and more cheerful than he has been lately, and he doesn’t usually yell at Jensen

“Do you have any idea what might be going on with him?” Steve asks softly.

“All I know is he gets worse after he receives a phone call from home,” Jensen admits finally, even to himself. “I think he might be having issues with his sexuality and the fact that he is in a relationship with a guy for the first time. I don’t know for sure since he won‘t talk to me about it, but I’m beginning to think that’s the problem.”

“There’s something else bothering you too; I can read it clearly on your face,” Chris says, eyeing Jensen closely.

Jensen flushes at this and turns his head away, staring outside the window. “Yeah, he also… erm, he also hasn’t…” Jensen takes a deep breath, feeling awkward, and just blurts out the rest of his sentence, “He hasn’t touched me in two months.”

Jensen turns a deep shade of crimson as soon as these words are out in the open and glances at his friends to see their reaction. They both are smirking at his obvious discomfort but their expressions also hold some sympathy. Jensen releases a soft sigh and reluctantly turns to face them once again once his embarrassment ebbs away a little.

“It’s not just that though. I mean, he will hardly even kiss me now unless he has to. It’s like he’s avoiding all contact with me, even the simple kind. It feels like it’s become a chore he’s loathe to do and tries to avoid at all costs. It’s something he will do, reluctantly.” Jensen says softly, tangible sorrow playing on his features. “I can’t help feeling as though he’s falling out of love with me. I mean, can you blame me?”

Without waiting for any kind of response from his friends, Jensen picks up his cup of coffee and heads out of Starbucks. They had decided to go see Jared at his work, and this excuse helps Jensen get away from the conversation he has no will to continue. He is really quite tired of thinking about it, much less talking about it. It was really doing nothing for him besides putting him in a more depressed mood than he was already in. Sometimes talking about your problems doesn’t help the way it’s supposed to, sometimes it only makes it worse.

“Maybe you should try talking to Jared,” Steve suggests once he and Chris catch up with Jensen.

“I tried that already, remember? It only managed to piss him off, I don’t want to go through that again, it’ll just lead to another argument,” Jensen grumbles as they walk briskly down the sidewalk.

“Well, this time you should explain how all of this is making you feel. Tell him how worried you are and that you feel like you’re losing him. Maybe he’ll be more willing to share his problems with you when he knows how much this is hurting you,” Steve explains, making more sense to Jensen than he wants to admit.

In all honesty, he is afraid that it won’t matter to Jared. It would kill him to be turned away even after explaining his fears and how much he is being hurt by Jared’s actions. He is afraid to know if Jared really is falling out of love with him, and really, what more proof would he need if Jared turned him away after pouring his heart out to him?

The walk to Providence Books is done in silence and soon enough they arrive at their destination. A knot forms in the pit of Jensen’s stomach the moment his eyes land on Jared, whom is standing behind the counter. He lets out a sigh when Jared tenses at the sight of them, even though he is trying to appear casual, forcing a tight smile on his face.

Jensen glances at his friends to see them watching Jared in surprise and concern, finally seeing something off about their friend. Usually Jared is better at hiding all his tension and discomfort, but today even Chris and Steve can see how forced the smile on his face is. Jensen tries not to let his boyfriend’s reaction discourage him, but, like always, his mood quickly becomes dampened. _It’s like he doesn’t even like seeing me around anymore_ , he realizes solemnly. _I don’t even feel welcome here like I used to._

Jensen tries not to display his emotions on his face as they make their way over to the front counter, smiling softly at the man he loves. Jared returns the smile, strained as usual, and grabs some books from behind the counter.

“What are you guys up to today?” Jared asks for the sake of conversation, trying to avoid Jensen’s eyes without making it too obvious.

“Just came from Starbucks. Decided to get Jenny off campus for a while, thought we’d come by and see our favorite gentle giant,” Chris answers, smirking at Jared in that teasing way of his.

“Are any of you gonna ever get tired of the whole ‘gentle giant’ crap?” Jared asks with a roll of his eyes.

“Would you rather have us call you Sasquatch?” Chris asks with a smirk full of smug satisfaction.

“Okay, I realize this argument is pointless, you’re just gonna keep calling me that anyway, so I’m not gonna even attempt to answer that,” Jared laughs despite how serious he is. “I have to go put these books away, they just arrived. I’ll be right back.”

Jared picks up the books and heads down one of the aisles, Jensen watching him as he walks away. Not allowing himself to hesitate, Jensen follows his boyfriend and steps up beside Jared as he places a couple of books on the shelf. Jared turns weary eyes on Jensen and simply watches him carefully for a moment. Jensen tries to smile but it comes out soft and unsure.

He knows it is probably pointless but he is going to ask one more time if Jared wants to go out and do something. He can’t help it, part of him is hoping his boyfriend will break down one of these times and agree to go out, alone. He realizes he probably shouldn’t hope for such things, will only be let down in the end, but he is too stubborn for his own good. He is missing Jared terribly and is doing everything he can possibly think of to keep him from slipping away.

“So, I was thinking, we should go out to eat dinner tonight instead of bringing take out back to the room,” Jensen says after a moment of silence and then holds his breath nervously.

The expression on Jared’s face is pinched before he turns his head away and refuses to look back. “I don’t really feel like it, I just wanna go back to the room after work and relax.”

“You could relax at a restaurant too, we’d only be gone for an hour or an hour and a half tops.” Jensen tries to convince him, attempting to lock eyes with Jared and failing miserably.

“I don’t want to Jen, okay… we can go out to eat another time.” Jared responds with a sigh, an edge of frustration in his voice.

“Yeah, as usual, another time,” Jensen doesn’t even try to hide the anger and defeat in his tone. “Don’t worry Jay, it… it doesn‘t really matter.”

Jared calls out to him, tries to placate him with meaningless words, but Jensen doesn’t listen this time as he turns away and walks out of the store. He knew his boyfriend was going to shoot him down, he always does these days, but that doesn’t take the pain away. He has decided that he isn’t going to try anymore though, he just doesn’t see the point in it.

**:0Ж0:**

“Wow, you have just been a ray of sunshine today, Jen,” Sophia says sarcastically, walking by his side as they exit the campus library.

“Sorry Soph, I just haven’t been in a very good mood.” Jensen apologizes softly, offering her a small smile that he suspects looks more miserable than reassuring

“Yeah, so I’ve noticed. You’ve been this way for a while now, only lately you’ve gotten worse,” she replies, staring at him intently with concern in her brown eyes. “What’s going on with you? Why are you so depressed all the time?”

“It’s nothing,” Jensen attempts to say but stops short when she glares at him. “Okay, it’s not nothing, but I just don’t feel like talking about it again. Nothing I do is making anything better and no one else can help either. I’m just tired of it all.”

“Nice way of being vague, Jen,” Sophia responds dryly. “Does this have anything to do with Jared?”

“Why do you ask?”

“The only person who can make you this miserable is him,” she answers like it is obvious. Which, okay, he can’t deny the truth in that.

“Okay, fine, it has everything to do with Jay. Just, please, don’t ask me to elaborate on what is going on between us because I really am tired of talking about it, much less thinking about it. We’re having problems, I can’t seem to fix it, end of story.”

She raises her hands in sign of surrender, eyes filled with sympathy. “Alright, I won’t pry. Just, come talk to me if you need to, you know I’m always here for you.”

Jensen finally turns his head to address her and smiles in gratitude. “Yeah, I know... thanks.”

She gives him a bright smile of her own, her whole face lighting up, then a brief hug before they split ways, heading to their separate dorm rooms. Jensen knows Jared will probably be there when he arrives and the knot of dread tightens in his stomach. _Since when have I ever not wanted to see him?_ he silently questions, a blanket of misery covering him once more.

He can’t deny that seeing Jared doesn’t exactly please him right now, and not just because of what occurred earlier in the day at Providence Books. He can never tell what will greet him when he walks into the room. Jared will either be quiet and distant like he usually is or an argument will be awaiting him. It is always the same, Jensen has come to expect it.

Releasing a heavy sigh full of burden and internal hurt, Jensen steps up to the door to their dorm room and simply stands there for a moment. He isn’t quite sure he wants to be here right now, but he can’t avoid it forever either. _Might as well get it over with, see what kind of mood he is in_ , he tells himself as he turns the knob and enters the room.

The moment Jensen steps into the room, however, he stops in his tracks and just stares in disbelief. He wills himself to come to terms with what he is witnessing in front of him, tries to understand, but all he can focus on is shock, anger, and then hurt. Jared tears his eyes away from Jensen’s but in that brief moment their eyes were locked Jensen saw sadness and guilt in his boyfriend’s eyes.

Jensen’s gaze moves from Jared’s face to the duffel bag spread open on the bed in front of his boyfriend and the clothes in Jared’s hands that he was placing in said bag before Jensen entered the room. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what is happening, is as easy as putting two and two together. Jensen can’t seem to move, is frozen in place, but he does manage to slam the door behind him.

Jared flinches at the harsh sound of the door slamming and simply lowers his head even further. Jensen doesn’t even know what to say. A large part of him wants to yell and scream, demand why. Something inside keeps telling him that he should have expected things to come to this, and while he may realize this, he still finds himself caught completely off guard. He keeps questioning ‘why’ inside his head over and over, time and time again. Why would Jared do this to him?

Finally regaining control over his feet, Jensen doesn’t step closer to Jared like he expected himself to do, instead he moves over to the space between the beds. He paces a few times, completely beside himself and not knowing what to think or even say, and then he stops and turns to face his boyfriend. There are so many questions going through his mind right now, all of which he is sure are displayed on his face.

Jared turns his face away once more, seemingly unable to face what he has brought on himself, and stares down at the clothes in his hands as though they hold all the answers. Jensen huffs in irritation, the first sound he has made since entering the room, and quickly snatches the clothes out of Jared’s hands. The younger man’s head snaps up to look at Jensen willingly for the first time and Jensen wants to laugh incredulously at the sadness and guilt he finds in those deep hazel eyes. The guilt he can understand, but Jared is packing his things willingly and has obviously thought everything out thoroughly, so what right does he have to look so sad?

Jensen waves the clothes in his hand around viciously while gesturing at the duffel bag and all of Jared’s other possessions that lie on the bed. “What the hell is all this?” Jensen asks, holding onto his anger because he can’t handle it along with the bone deep pain right now that is threatening to consume him.

Jared opens his mouth only to close it a moment later, repeating this action many times before he bows his head and releases a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry Jen, I know it was fucked up of me to try and pack everything before you got home.”

“You know, I don’t even care about that right now. What I want to know is _why_ you’re packing all your shit up, I want to _hear_ the words from your mouth ‘cause I believe I at least deserve to hear you break up with me!” Jensen all but screams, which is something he doesn’t usually do, is actually very uncharacteristic of him.

Jared looks like he is about to cry any minute, tears brimming his eyes, but Jensen can’t bring himself to care right now. He is the one who has the right to be hurt at the moment after all. He is the one being dumped, he is the one getting his heart broken. If anyone has the right to cry it would be him. He refuses to do that though; he’ll be damned before he allows Jared to witness one tear slide down his cheek.

“I love you Jen, I truly do, I just… I can’t do this anymore. You deserve better than me, you deserve someone who is willing to be seen with you in public, who will introduce you to his family without shame and fear of his own sexuality. I wanted to be that person for you, I tried so hard to be that person, but I just can’t be,” Jared says softly, looking into Jensen’s eyes and willing him to understand. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I know that I did and I’m so sorry for that.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” All traces of anger vanish and Jensen is left open and vulnerable, falling back onto his bed and placing his head in his hands. The sting of tears pisses him off as much as the grip of sorrow around his heart does. Nothing he can think to do can ward the pain off, however, and he is left a broken, bleeding mess for Jared to see.

Jared moves around the bed to sit down facing Jensen, running a hand through his hair, disheveling it. “For the past two months all I could think about was how to break the news to my family, tell them that I’m bi and in love with my very male roommate. Every time I talked to my mom though, and she asked me if I was seeing a nice girl yet… I just couldn’t do it. I knew it’d tear her apart and I didn’t want to disappoint her like that. She wants me to settle down with a down-to-earth girl and start a family, give her a couple of grandkids. Hell, my whole family wants that. All I kept imagining was my family reacting the way that yours did, disowning me, and the thought killed me, still does. I just can’t do that Jen, I can’t lose them.”

Jensen doesn’t even know what to say, all words are evading him at the moment. He doesn’t know what he would say even if he could find the words. His whole world is crashing down around him, broken shards landing at his feet, and he is helpless to stop it. He can’t believe his boyfriend is doing this; his heart isn’t ready to come to terms with the fact that Jared doesn’t want its love anymore. He needs Jared, doesn’t know how to live without him, but he doesn’t know how to make him stay either.

“So this is really it, our relationship is over just like that?” Jensen knows he sounds pathetic, practically whimpering with an undertone of pleading for Jared to change his mind, but he can’t help it. “You’re just gonna throw everything we have away? Gonna find yourself some girl you’re not gonna be happy with just to please your family?”

“I could be happy, eventually. It’ll take time, a lot of it in fact, but one day I’ll be happy. So will you, I know you’ll move on. You don’t need me Jen, you’ll find someone better than me.”

“What if I don’t want someone else?” Jensen asks, voice broken and pain shining through. “I only want you Jared, I don’t wanna have to let you go.”

Jared’s face is pinched once again, pain registering loud and clear, but Jensen can tell he has made up his mind. “I’m moving in with Chris and Steve, they’re letting me stay in their guest room until I find my own place. I really want us to stay friends, Jen.”

Jensen takes a shuddering breath and whispers, “Don’t call me Jen, you don’t get to use such endearments anymore, from now on it’s strictly Jensen.”

The expression on Jared’s face is full of hurt with a hint of regret hiding behind his eyes but Jensen doesn’t take it back, he can’t bear hearing Jared call him Jen anymore because that simple use of a nickname meant far too much to him. His heart is already bleeding in his chest, damaged and possibly irreparable, one small thing could be the killing blow.

_I can’t stay here, I have to get away_ , his frantic mind screams as the urge to breakdown becomes stronger and stronger by the second. He can’t bear to look at Jared right now, all he can think about is the good times they had and it is killing him to acknowledge the fact that it is all over.

Jensen rises without a word and moves toward the door, refusing to glance back at the tearful man behind him. All he can think about is escaping, getting away from the source of the pain searing through his soul.

Jared’s voice is soft and stops Jensen in his tracks. He reluctantly turns around to face his now ex-boyfriend. Jensen just stares at him for a long moment, eyes glaring a mixture of emotions at the younger man sitting slumped over on his bed, but hurt and defeat override them all.

“I’m sorry Jensen, I’m so sorry,” Jared says with a trembling lower lip.

Jensen releases a laugh devoid of all humor, making Jared wince. “It’s too late for that; your words mean nothing to me at the moment.”

The moment Jensen walks away tears spill from Jared’s eyes and slide down his face, but Jensen just shuts the door on him and walks numbly down the hall. His once bright green eyes are now dulled by deep anguish and heartbreak.

Once he is a fair distance away he is unable to hold back his tears any longer and he collapses to the floor, leaning his trembling body against the wall as sobs wrack his slender frame. He wraps his arms around himself, looking so lost and broken in his despair that the sight of him would bring tears to even a stranger's eyes.

  
**It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't**   
** It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed **   
** Some prayers find an answer, some prayers never know **   
** We're holding on, and letting go **   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Holding On And Letting Go - by Ross Copperman


	13. Found Myself Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to get some more updates posted. I meant to have a few more chapters posted long before this but I caught a cold and haven’t had the energy to format anything until now.

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twelve:**  
 _Found Myself Without You_  
-~*~-

Jensen isn’t quite sure how long he has been gone. In fact, he is kind of surprised he even knows where he is right now. When he finally picked himself up from the floor of the dorm hallway he felt as though he was in a daze, thoughts running rampant through his mind as he walked aimlessly. His heart is still in turmoil and it feels like a knife is slowly being pushed into it, but he knows he can’t stay out here all night. He has to face the reality of the situation at some point and he would rather get it over with sooner than later.

Turning around, almost reluctantly, Jensen makes his way back toward the college. His head is pounding and the artificial lights from the town aren’t making it any better. When he left the sun had still been out but now it has long since disappeared, bathing the world in shadow. The sidewalk he trudges down is lit up by street lights but it is still fairly dark.

As he walks Jensen allows his mind to wander. He isn’t sure what he is going to find once he reaches his dorm room and he’s not all too sure he wants to find out. If he could, he would stay away from the place his heartache originated, but he knows he can’t stay gone forever. The dorm is where he lives and he has nowhere else to go. He is just going to have to suck it up and face this like a man. His heart may be torn to shreds but he doesn’t have to let it show.

_Why the hell did he have to do this to me, to us?_ Jensen silently questions out of anguish as he reaches campus and begins his walk back to the dorm. _I thought I made him happy, I thought he cared enough to fight for us… instead he’s letting his family rip us apart and I can’t even be angry at them because they are totally clueless._

Jensen’s head is bowed and his shoulders are slumped by the time he steps up to his dorm room door. All is silent in the hallway and there are no sounds coming from behind the door within the room. A lump forms in Jensen’s throat as he places his room key in the lock and turns until he hears a click. Taking a deep breath, Jensen slides the key out and tries to will himself to turn the door knob. Every ounce of his being is begging him not to, however, and his face scrunches up in pain as he slides to the floor, leaning heavily against the door.

The pain he is being forced to endure almost seems too much to bear. He has never felt pain like this before in his life and he doesn’t ever want to again; right now, it feels like the pain is going to last forever.

In his lifetime he has felt many forms of pain, both physical and emotional. He had broken his arm when he was twelve because he had fallen out of the oak tree in the backyard. That had definitely hurt like hell. When Brian broke up with him he had been hurt, of course, but the pain didn’t last that long and wasn’t too serious. He had thought nothing could hurt worse than the moment his family turned their backs on him when he told them he was gay, but now he has been proven wrong. To date, this is the worst pain he has ever felt.

He can’t help thinking that maybe he let himself fall too hard for Jared, let down his guard even though he knew he shouldn’t have. That guard was there for a reason, to protect himself from situations such as this, yet he let all his walls crumble to the ground without a second thought and now he is paying the price. He let Jared in only to get hurt when it was all said and done.

Jared said he loved him, still loves him, but Jensen has to wonder if the other man loves him as much as he thinks he does. Jensen doesn’t see how that is possible. How can he claim to love him yet knowingly break his heart all the same? _I love him more than he loves me, that’s the problem_ , Jensen acknowledges solemnly. _I should never have given into him, I should have continued to turn him away even though that was the last thing I wanted to do._

Jensen doesn’t know how he is going to handle being around Jared now that they have broken up; it seems impossible. He knows that he is going to have to find a way though, because the younger man is going to be there every time they get together with their friends. _Nothing is ever going to be the same again_ , he realizes as he climbs to his feet and opens the door to his room.

The door slams behind him and Jensen chokes on a gasp as his eyes fall on the empty side of the room, completely devoid of Jared’s things. The bed has been stripped bare, posters taken down from the wall, everything taken off the desk, and he is sure he would find an empty closet were he to open the door.

Jensen’s knees give out beneath him and he collapses to the floor, an intense agony coursing through his soul. Sure, Jared had said he was leaving, Jensen knew this, but it didn’t become real to him until he walked into an empty room.

“What the hell am I gonna do without him?” Jensen questions the empty room, receiving nothing but silence in return.

Feeling like he has been sapped of all his strength, he crawls along the floor until he reaches his bed and leans his back against it. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he wraps his arms around them and drops his face as tears steadily build up and spill out. He tries taking a deep breath to calm himself but it hitches in his throat and a sob escapes instead. He can’t help feeling as though the life he fought so hard to create is now crashing down at his feet. Everything has gone so wrong and he can’t figure out a way to fix it.

He doesn’t rise from the floor when a paper lying on his bed catches his eye. He knows Jared left it for him, probably one last apology, words he didn’t get to say when Jensen was there. He isn’t sure he wants to read the words written on the slightly crumpled paper, doesn’t have the strength to be torn apart even further. Instead he stares at the offending paper for a long length of time, neither moving from the floor nor reaching out to grab the letter that lies so innocently atop his blanket.

He closes his eyes tiredly but snaps them open immediately the moment an image of Jared flashes behind his closed lids. It is in this moment he realizes he is going to be haunted by his ex-boyfriend in the days to come, possibly even for months. He can’t even close his eyes without seeing the younger man, his bright and dimpled smile just waiting to torture him.

In an act of anger, Jensen finally reaches for the paper, but he doesn’t read the words written upon it. Instead, he rips the letter to shreds and watches with a morbid fascination as the pieces fall to the floor. He feels a little better knowing he won’t have to read Jared’s final words to him, won’t be tortured with the temptation.

When he first got to know Jared he had thought he couldn’t have been luckier to have been given the chance to meet such an amazing person, and when they first got together it had felt like a dream come true. Now he can’t help seeing it as a curse in disguise. Part of him wonders if he would have been better off never knowing Jared - or at least never starting a relationship with him - but then his mind recalls his past birthday, the treasured moments he shared with the shaggy haired man, and he realizes he couldn’t live without those memories.

There is a mix of emotions coursing through Jensen and he doesn’t know how to feel about a single one of them. All he knows is he wishes the pain stabbing away at his heart would go away because he isn’t sure he can survive much more of this. Part of him wants to call Mack, knows she would be there in his time of need, but a larger part just wants to be left alone.

“God why is this happening to me?” Jensen whispers as sobs wrack his slender frame, his anguish resounding in the silent and empty room.

  
**Sitting here in the dark**   
** I don't know what went wrong **   
** But it's over now **   
** Wish I could be where you are **   
** But some things should never be said out loud **   


**:0Ж0:**

September 24th, 2000

From his seat on the floor where he is leaning back against the wall, Jensen listens to Chris knock insistently on the door but he doesn’t move to let him in. He can’t remember the last time he left this room, doesn’t even know what day it is. All the days have kind of blended together, each one longer than he remembers them to be and full of emptiness. His friends have come by to see him, make sure he is doing okay, but he never lets any of them in. Hell, even Chad stopped by, which was a shock to Jensen, but he didn’t let the blonde man in either.

None of them can make him feel better; none of them truly understand how he is feeling, and he really doesn’t want to have any company right now. Being alone and wallowing in his misery sounds like the better option at the moment so he hasn’t even attempted to give any of them a response when they drop by. He realizes they are probably worried about him, rightfully so, but he just doesn’t have the strength in him to explain everything to them right now. Besides, the last thing he truly wants right now is for his friends to see him in his moment of weakness.

All he has had are these four walls to stare at, had no desire to turn on the television or listen to the radio. There is no joy to be found inside of him right now, all that resides inside is pain, betrayal, and utter misery. He doubts he would be very good company at the moment anyway, so he doesn’t feel too bad about pushing his friends away. He doesn’t plan on keeping them at arms length forever; he just needs enough time to pull himself together before he decides to see anyone again. He needs to mask his pain so no one will see just how badly this is affecting him.

He doesn’t know how long it has been since he last ate, but the grumble and aches in his stomach tell him it’s been too long. That still doesn’t give him enough incentive to find his body some sustenance, but he does acknowledge his body’s needs. All he has allowed himself is some water from the tap, and even that has been few and far between. Mostly he just sits on the floor, back against the wall, staring blankly in front of him.

He doesn’t know how much longer he will be able to hold off, but he plans to do so until absolutely necessary, until his body just can’t take it any longer.

Jensen lifts his head to acknowledge the fact that the insistent knocking, no, pounding on the door has ceased. He figures Chris has realized how fruitless his effort is and has finally given up. Jensen knows he should probably feel guilty about this - Chris is one of his best friends after all - but he just can’t find it within himself to feel much of anything at the moment. He feels numb yet miserable at the same time; can still feel the pain wreaking havoc inside him when he thinks about Jared.

_Is that even possible?_ Jensen silently questions, brows creased in wonderment. _How is it possible to feel so numb yet still feel pain coursing through me?_

Jensen gives up on this thought fairly quickly, deciding it doesn’t really matter if it is possible or not. He releases a sigh as his head drops down into his awaiting hands, elbows resting on his knees. He can feel the sting of tears at the back of his eyelids but he knows none will fall, even if he were to allow them. His tears ran dry some time ago and now he has become familiar with just the sting of them. He doesn’t mind, figures he has cried enough tears for Jared anyway.

Despite the misery he has found himself in and the pain that surfaces every time certain thoughts pass through his mind, he can’t help wondering how Jared is doing right about now. Is the younger man as miserable as he is or has he done all he can to begin the moving on process? Does he miss Jensen, miss their relationship? Such thoughts are trivial and tedious, but Jensen finds himself thinking them all the same.

Part of him doubts Jared misses their relationship very much. Toward the end Jared had done a pretty damn good job of distancing himself, so this separation probably isn’t as hard on him as it is Jensen. Now that he thinks back on it, Jensen realizes his boyfriend was probably preparing himself for their break up. _He probably had been planning on leaving me for quite some time, I was just too blind to see the signs_ , he thinks to himself bitterly.

He lets out a laugh devoid of all humor and silently admonishes himself for not at least suspecting something like this would happen. He knew something was wrong with his boyfriend, realized Jared was troubled by something and was distancing himself with each day that passed, yet he still didn’t think _this_ was a very real possibility. It makes him feel stupid now that he thinks back on it, believing himself to be a complete moron to not see what was happening.

Jensen suddenly shakes his head, as if physically ridding himself of this train of thought, and opens his eyes to stare blankly at the window directly in front of him, able to see nothing but clear blue sky and sunshine. Days like this should bring him joy like they used to, when a peaceful calmness would wash over him, but now he can’t seem to appreciate it. Stupid to think in such a way, but he can’t help that since he is so miserable everyone else should be too; the weather shouldn’t be so contradictory to his mood. All it manages to do is depress him further, pull him down into that bottomless pit of darkness, leaving its victim drowning in the abyss.

Leaning his head back, thumping dully against the wall, he keeps his eyes open, wishing he could close them once more and never have to open them again. A slightly morbid thought, especially since Jensen doesn’t see himself as suicidal, but right now he would give anything to escape this heartache and emptiness. Even just a few blissful moments of unawareness, a reprieve, would be appreciated.

Slanting his head in the direction of his desk, where his text books lie carelessly, he briefly wonders how many days of class he has missed. He hasn’t been to class since Jared left, which could be however long for all Jensen knows. He just acknowledges the fact that he has been missing his classes, hasn’t even given his teachers a reason why. He was smarter when it came to his job. After all, he can’t afford to lose it. He called in sick, unable to say when he would be back. His boss is only so lenient though, so he knows he can’t stay away much longer.

He is surprised his boss hasn’t called yet to bitch him out. Then again, maybe it hasn’t been that long since his last shift, maybe the time he has spent in his room just feels longer than it really has been. Jensen doesn’t know for sure and he isn’t worried enough to get up and find out either. He could always call Danneel and find out if he is close to losing his job yet, but then she might expect him to explain what is going on. She would be able to tell something is wrong with him, since it is weird not to know what day it is, and the last thing he wants is to have _that_ conversation, whether it is over the phone or not.

“That isn’t going to happen,” he says aloud resolutely, though he hadn’t meant to actually say the words. _I’ll just have to find another way._

Jensen is brought out of his thoughts when he hears noise coming from the door’s general direction. For a terrified moment he wonders if one of his friends have broken down and retrieved one of the spare keys. He highly doubts the dorm manager would actually give out a spare key to anyone that asked for it but his friends are pretty resourceful, they definitely would have come up with plausible excuse. If that is the case, Jensen can only hope the dorm manager isn’t with them when they get the door open. He lowers his head, staring at his lap, and waits for the inevitable.

Jensen doesn’t even lift his head or make any kind of acknowledgement of his visitors once the door finally opens and, out of his peripheral vision he sees three sets of feet enter the room. A pair of workman’s boots step directly in front of him and the person kneels down so they are level with one another. Jensen raises his eyes ever so slightly and stares at Chris blankly, hiding his emotions carefully.

“Is he alright, do you need me to call anyone?” an unfamiliar voice asks, who Jensen assumes is the dorm manager.

“No, we can take care of it, thank you for helping us,” he hears Steve say before his friend is sitting beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

The dorm manager says something in response to this but Jensen isn’t paying him any attention and completely misses the words. A moment later the door shuts behind the man and Jensen is left alone with his two friends. Chris cups his cheeks with his hands and tilts his head back so he can assess his face with his eyes. A hiss of breath squeezes past his clenched teeth as a concerned expression grows on his features.

“God, Jenny, what have you done to yourself?” Chris questions softly, not expecting to be answered, which is a good thing because Jensen didn’t plan on saying anything even if he had been expecting one. Unexpectedly, Chris pulls him into his arms, embracing him tightly. Jensen tenses at the sudden contact but soon relaxes into the hug. He doesn’t embrace Chris back but he doesn’t pull away either, so Chris considers this to be a good sign.

“When was the last time you ate, man?” Steve asks, but he isn’t expecting Jensen to respond either. He is more or less talking to himself, taking in the sight of his broken friend in shock and concern. “Chris, he needs something to eat. Whether he feels hungry or not, he needs something in his stomach, so go pick something up for him.”

“Where should I go?” Chris asks as he reluctantly pulls away from his friend, frowning in dismay when Jensen goes back to staring at his lap and keeping his mouth firmly shut.

“Doesn’t matter, just grab some food from anywhere,” Steve answers, sounding impatient, “I’ll stay here with him.”

Chris nods once, glancing down at Jensen, obviously reluctant to leave his side, then rises to a standing position. He leaves without another word, rushing to get where he needs to go so he can quickly return. Jensen wants to apologize for worrying them so much, wants them to understand why he hasn’t desired any company, but he is afraid of what might happen once he opens his mouth and talks about how he is feeling. He is afraid all his walls will come tumbling down and he will be left vulnerable, unable to stop himself from breaking down.

Steve moves from beside him and sits down across from him, leaning back against Jared’s old bed. Jensen knows he did this so he could gauge the expression on his face, or any fleeting emotions that may be displayed. Jensen doesn’t feel like being a subject for evaluation though, so he turns his head away and tries to keep his face neutrally blank.

Steve releases a sigh, one born from parts equal concern and guilt. Jensen doesn’t know why Steve should be feeling guilty though, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Unless he knew long before Jensen did that Jared was leaving him and didn’t tell him; that is the only thing Jensen would be angry about and the only thing Steve should feel guilty over.

“Look, I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but you can’t just give up like this. Don’t let what’s happened destroy your life. I know, this all really sucks, but you have people that care about you, lean on them for the support you need. You need to get back into the swing of things, go to your classes and go back to work. Do anything you can think of to keep your mind off things if that‘s what you want to do, but you can‘t barricade yourself in this room anymore, it‘s slowly killing you,” Steve says, watching Jensen intently to see if his words have had any impact.

When Jensen doesn’t say anything or even look in his direction he releases a heavy sigh and continues, “I know you’re probably upset that we’re letting Jared stay with us, I feel guilty as hell about it, but… we couldn’t just turn him away, Jen, we couldn’t turn our backs on him like that. That would’ve made us feel more horrible than we already do.”

These words get Jensen to look up and he stares at his friend in bewilderment. He didn’t realize that his friends may have been beating themselves up over their decision, hadn’t thought they might feel guilty about helping out their friend. Now that he thinks about it, it makes sense, but that doesn’t justify their guilt. Jensen understands why they did what they did, he would have done the same thing had their positions been reversed.

“Steve, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty for helping out a friend. I’m not mad at you or anything for it so don’t think for a second that I am, ‘cause I understand your reasons,” Jensen speaks for the first time since his friends showed up, still feeling miserable but trying his best to make Steve feel better. “Besides, you guys were friends with Jared first and I’d never want to put either of you in a position where you’d have to choose sides.”

“Doesn’t matter if we were Jared’s friends first, Chris and I are both of your friends equally and I don’t want you think any different,” Steve says firmly, appearing upset that Jensen would even think in such a way.

“I guess some part of me realizes that already, I just… I dunno Steve, I’m just in a really bad place right now,” Jensen whispers, surprisingly being the first to address how he is feeling.

“I can understand that Jen, you’re going through a lot of shit right now and I can’t blame you for feeling so down. I just don’t want you thinking we’re any less your friend than we are Jared’s. We care about you both and would have taken you in had you been the one needing a place to stay,” Steve says consolingly, his words sincere and reassuring.

For a moment the two friends fall silent, one not knowing what to say while the other wishes to say nothing at all. Now that Steve is here, Jensen knows his friend isn’t about to leave him alone again for quite some time. He is grateful to have such caring friends, ones that will be there for him when he needs them most, but right now all he wants is some solitude to nurse his hurting heart. He isn’t about to get that though, he knows this, so he resigns himself to some company.

“How are you holding up Jen, honestly?” Steve questions quietly, voice sounding magnified in the otherwise silent room.

“As good as can be expected, considering I’ve just been dumped,” Jensen replies somewhat bitterly, regretting his choice of words almost immediately.

Steve lowers his head at this, obviously realizing how stupid his question really was. “Jay… he’s just… he’s scared, is all,” Steve says, defending the absent man weakly. “Give him some time, I’m sure he’ll come around, he just needs to come to terms with his sexuality and the fact that he’s in love with a guy, I don’t think he ever really did before.”

“Sorry if I find that a little hard to believe right now. You weren’t here when he broke it off with me, you didn’t see the determined look in his eyes. He doesn’t want to disappoint his family, he’s afraid of losing them, so he cut me loose.”

“He still loves you, Jensen, the guy’s a mess right now.”

Jensen snorts at this, making Steve frown. “Well, if he is as upset as you say he is, he’s at fault for his own misery. I wasn’t the one who ended the relationship. He wouldn‘t be so miserable if he hadn‘t caused it himself, so, sorry if I have a hard time feeling too bad for him.”

“You don’t really mean that, that’s your bitterness talking,” Steve says disapprovingly, but the concern on his face doesn’t falter. “That man loves you, no matter what you want to believe, and he’s driving himself insane without you. He’s stubborn, so he’s trying his best to keep from running back to you, but I don’t see his strength lasting too long. He needs you just as much as you need him, he just hasn’t given in and realized that yet.”

Unexpectedly, to himself just as much as Steve, Jensen breaks down into sobs, body shaking from the force of his tears. He has managed to hold it off since his friends arrived, but Steve’s concerned presence and caring rebuke has broken past his last defense and now he can’t hold his pain in any longer.

Steve crosses the space between them in two seconds flat and wraps his arms around Jensen’s trembling frame. Jensen fists his hands into the material of Steve’s shirt and buries his face against his friend’s shoulder. Steve just embraces him tightly, letting him cry out all his anguish, betrayal, and loneliness. He is whispering soft, comforting words but Jensen is crying too loud for him to hear them.

Jensen vaguely hears the door open and shut a beat later, but knows it’s Chris coming back, and although he hates the idea of his friends bearing witness to his downfall, he can’t stop the tears now that they have started. A hand lands on his back, rubbing in soothing circles, but Jensen doesn’t look over his shoulder to acknowledge Chris. His tears just continue to fall violently down his face and he clutches at Steve like a lifeline.

“Why did he do this to me, why‘d he have to hurt me like this? What am I gonna do without him?” Jensen cries out, voice rough and clogged from tears. “How could he leave me and everything we’ve built between us so easily?”

“I don’t know Jen, I wish I had that answer for you,” Steve says softly, sounding torn and helpless.

Jensen pulls back when he calms down somewhat and looks at both of his friends in turn, expression on his face one of deep pain and misery. “I was willing to wait however long it took for him to get up the courage to tell his family about us, but he doesn’t even want to try and see if they’ll accept him,” he says in a near whisper, eyes glassy with tears and lower lip trembling dangerously. “Is he that ashamed of me?”

Both of his friends look torn, unsure what to say to this. Steve looks like he wants to start crying along with Jensen while Chris sits there silently, pain in his eyes for his broken friend and anger directed towards his other one. Jensen drops his head into the palms of his hands and pulls his knees up to his chest just as Chris wraps an arm around him, pulling him into the comforting warmth of his body.

“Seems to me that you need to get outta here for a while, son,” Chris says, hand tightening around Jensen’s shoulder and shaking him lightly.

“I don’t want to go anywhere. I’m not exactly in any condition to go anywhere anyway,” Jensen responds quietly.

“Wasn’t a request, Jenny,” Chris chuckles softly.

“Now, go clean yourself up and then we’ll go get some ice cream from Malone‘s.”

Knowing he won’t be getting out of this, Jensen hauls himself to his feet and reluctantly heads into the bathroom. _Who knows, maybe it’ll do me some good to get out of the room for a while, get some fresh air_ , Jensen tells himself as he tries to avoid looking at his reflection in the mirror, which proves to be difficult when washing your face and removing any trace of tears.

**:0Ж0:**

Entering Malone’s is like walking back in time. The old ice cream parlor dates back to the turn of the century, the place has actually been in business for close to a hundred years. The long counter is marble and the cash register is one of those huge brass ones with a bell that rings up sales. There are pyramids of parfait and sherbet glasses stacked at the ends of the counter and along the wall on another counter as well. Sitting on the back counter is an ancient milkshake mixer. There is no soft serve ice cream here like what can be found at other places, this place is strictly old fashioned. The ice cream here at Malone’s is hand-dipped out of the many flavors displayed in a refrigerated glass case at the end of the counter.

The establishment’s appearance is still as pristine as the day it opened, having been in the owner’s family for years, and Jack Malone lives and breathes for the small parlor. All his blood, sweat and tears have gone into keeping the place in tip top condition. The place is tidy and well preserved, with walls upon walls of bright, white paint. An old juke box sits off to the side in one corner, still in working condition, and only plays oldies.

Apparently Steve is good friends with the owner, and he gave Jensen the low down on the local ice cream parlor before they arrived. Just from the way his friend talks about the place and this Jack person, Jensen can easily assume that his friends spend a lot of time at Malone’s on a regular basis. He is a little surprised that they haven’t brought him around to the place before today; usually they are eager to introduce him to everyone they know and take him to their hang outs

In the end Jensen decides it doesn’t really matter and follows his friends to a booth off to his right, close enough to the front door and in direct line of the bathroom. He sits down on the hard white seat, resting his back against the blood red plastic padding behind him. Chris and Steve sit opposite to him and begin telling him how great the ice cream is here. Jensen wishes he could feel an ounce of the joy emanating off his friends, wishes he could share their enthusiasm.

“There’re my boys!” A man with black hair and a hint of gray approaches their table with a wide smile on his face. Jensen assumes he is in his late forties, early fifties. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen your faces around here.”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that Jack, we’ve been kinda busy lately,” Steve says apologetically, rising from his seat to hug their friend.

“Business seems to be going smoothly, as always.” Chris speaks conversationally, glancing around the room briefly.

“Certainly can’t complain,” Jack chuckles happily as Steve takes his seat once more. He turns his eyes to Jensen and smiles softly. “And who have you brought with you?”

“This is our friend Jensen, Jen this is Jack Malone, the owner of this wonderful establishment.” Steve introduces them, pride shining in his eyes as though the parlor is his rather than Jack’s.

“Sucking up will get you everywhere,” Jack laughs heartily, patting Steve on the shoulder before turning once more to address Jensen. “It’s nice to meet you Jensen, a friend of these boys is definitely a friend of mine.”

Jensen can’t help but smile from the friendly tone but it doesn’t really help to brighten his mood. Jack really seems nice enough though so he tries his best to be friendly in return, no matter how unsociable he wants to be at the moment. Jensen offers the best smile he can manage, though he somehow has the feeling he has failed at feigning happiness, and the slightly concerned frown on Jack’s face just proves this to him.

“Let me ask you this, Jensen, do you like chocolate or vanilla?” Jack asks with a growing smile. “Today it’s on the house since you’re a new customer and good friends with my boys here.”

Jensen has the feeling Jack is only doing this because he can tell he is miserable, but Jensen smiles nonetheless and says he likes either flavor. Jack offers him a wink and then turns to Steve and Chris. Steve asks for a banana split while Chris tries to act innocent when asking if their ice cream is free too. Jack laughs humorously and shakes his head before walking away to get their orders.

“You knew that wasn’t going to work,” Steve shakes his head, smiling in amusement as Chris honest to God pouts. “Only Jensen will be getting free dessert today.”

“That’s ‘cause Jack saw a wounded soul and we know how drawn he is to miserable souls, unable to stop himself from trying to comfort them.” Chris teases Jensen lightly, hoping it will cheer up his friend somewhat.

“I’m not a charity case,” Jensen protests, flushing ever so slightly.

“Not saying you are son, but right now you practically have Jack wrapped around your finger, milk it for all its worth.” Chris laughs as Steve gives him a disapproving stare.

Jensen chooses to ignore his friends’ antics, taking a deep breath and trying his best to appear as though he is having a good time. He knows the reason his friends decided to take him out was an attempt to cheer him up and he doesn’t want them to know it isn’t exactly working the way they hoped.

Right now he figures he is beyond hope; it is going to take a miracle to drag him out of his depressed state, and it is certainly going to take more than ice cream and good company. Honestly, the only thing that is going to help him is time. He needs time for things to settle, time to mend his broken heart before he can even hope to move on with his life and once again feel the happiness he had known before his life fell apart.

Jensen looks up when a shadow falls over the table and Jack smiles as he places a bowl of ice cream in front of him, chocolate mixed with vanilla. This brings a slight smile to his face and he thanks the man softly, picking up his spoon and shoving some of the ice cream into his mouth. Jack briefly squeezes his shoulder comfortingly and then hands Chris and Steve their ice cream before heading back to the counter.

Some song is coming from the jukebox, one Jensen recognizes although he doesn’t know the name of the artist, and he finds himself relaxing back in his seat. From time to time Jensen’s thoughts drift off toward Jared, reminding him of the situation he is in, but Chris and Steve for the most part are able to drag him out of this line of thinking. For the first time today Jensen is actually kind of grateful for his friends’ presence.

Jensen frowns, however, when he notices the expressions on Chris’ and Steve’s faces change from mellow to ones of awkward and uncertainty. Jensen tenses unconsciously, unsure whether he wants to know who or what his friends are looking at. In the end his curiosity wins out and he glances over his shoulder, doing so as inconspicuously as he can manage. His mood dampens further and his heart sinks when his eyes land on Jared standing behind him with Sophia and Chad.

Inwardly he curses his luck, the first day he leaves the room he just so happens to run into Jared of all people. The irony of the situation isn’t lost on Jensen; in fact he figures lady luck is laughing her ass off at him right about now. His first instinct is to run as far away as possible, get away while he still can, but his pride keeps him firmly in his seat. He silently hopes Jared won’t approach them, but even as he is frantically hoping this deep down he knows he is going to be left disappointed.

He groans internally, fighting his damnedest to keep it from becoming audible, as Jared and their two friends head in their direction. Unable to stop himself, Jensen attempts to make himself as small as possible by the time they reach them. Jared looks as uncomfortable as he is and Jensen considers this a small victory; at least he isn‘t the only one.

“Hey guys, we didn’t know you’d be here,” Jared speaks, his attempt at small talk, failing miserably. The tension surrounding the table is tangible Jensen tries to ease the awkward air around him by at least meeting everyone’s eyes, it is to no avail.

“We weren’t expecting to see you either,” Chris responds with an edge to his voice, not meaning to sound harsh but he can see how this confrontation is affecting Jensen and his protectiveness over the light haired man is reaching an all time high. Jared doesn’t take any offense to this, thankfully, he actually appears to understand.

Being in such proximity with Jared is having a harder effect on Jensen than he expected and he doesn’t know how much longer he will be able to just sit here. It is just too soon, he isn’t strong enough to deal with the younger man yet. Part of Jensen wants to grab a hold of him and never let go, part of him wants to scream and demand Jared tell him why he is doing this to them, while another part just wants to find the nearest escape route.

Jared turns to him, expression wary yet hopeful. “Hey Jen,” he says softly, biting his lip gently as his eyes implore the man before him for civility and the friendship they used to have.

Jensen’s eyes water against his will as his breath catches in his throat; he has to get out of here now. “I’m sorry, I have to get out of here,” he says in a rush, voice rough and cracked with emotion. He slides out of the booth, abandoning the rest of his ice cream and ignoring his friends’ pleas for him to come back as he practically runs out of the parlor.

His stride doesn’t slow once he is outside, he just runs until his strength runs out and he nearly collapses. Bending over, he rests his hands on his knees and pants desperately for breath. Tears blur his vision, though he stubbornly refuses to let them fall, and his body is trembling from exertion and suppressed emotions.

He just can’t believe Jared showed up at the ice cream parlor. Doesn’t he deserve one day with his friends without the younger man around, reminding him of how screwed up things are right now? Why the hell did he have to show up? Is Jensen ever going to have a day without the younger man either on his mind or showing up at the least appreciated moment? Jensen just doesn’t see how things could get much worse.

Jensen yells out in frustration, unable to keep it in any longer. A couple of people walking down the street stop and look at Jensen like he is insane. _What, aren’t they used to people yelling out loud for no apparent reason?_ Jensen silently questions sardonically.

Taking a deep breath, he releases it slowly, expression growing crestfallen as he slowly walks the rest of the way towards the dorms. Silently he decides he is going to give himself the rest of the day to pity his situation but by the dawn of the new day he is going to get back into the swing of things. He’s going to go back to work, going to attend his classes once more, and there will be no more hiding out in his room. He still misses Jared like crazy, probably will for some time to come, but he isn’t going to let that stop him from living his life anymore.

Despite how resolute he is though, he can’t help inwardly calling out for Jared. He doesn’t want to move on with his life, not without Jared. _God, Jay, I’ll do anything, just… please, come back._

  
**Take me so far away from this place**   
** Where my heart can breathe **   
** Somewhere I can believe again **   
** Give me something that time can't erase **   
** 'Cause losing you is taking too much **   
** Tell me there's a reason for love **   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Reason For Love - by David Hodges


	14. Some Kind of Fool

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Thirteen:**  
 _Some Kind of Fool_  
-~*~-

Jensen is moving mainly on autopilot, albeit sluggishly, as he enters his room and just barely remembers to lock the door behind him. His mind has been playing the confrontation with Jared over and over again, the scene is seemingly stuck on repeat and he doesn’t know how to right it. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, seeing the slightly younger man again, but he still can’t believe he ran out the way he did. The way he reacted was completely undignified and the shame he feels is nearly consuming him. _I’m sure no one can blame me for my reaction but I still feel like such a fool._

Jensen drops down onto his bed with a long, drawn out sigh, lying boneless on his back and throws an arm over his eyes. He startles when the familiar ring tone he picked for his phone breaks the silence of the room. With a groan, he digs his cell out of his pocket and glances carelessly at the screen. He doesn’t bother to answer when he sees that it is Steve trying to get a hold of him; he’s not in the mood to talk to any of his friends at the moment.

When the phone stops ringing he checks the missed calls and is surprised to see Chris, Steve, Sophia, even Chad, have been trying to get a hold of him. He figures they have been trying ever since he ran out of Malone’s. He is grateful to have such caring friends but even this knowledge isn’t enough for him to call them back. He truly just wants to be left alone at the moment, believes that it is for the best. He is not in any frame of mind to talk to his friends right now. He decides he will just give them a call later when he is feeling more up to it and let them know that he is fine and there is no reason for them to worry.

Feeling the crushing weight of depression bearing down on his chest he begins to wonder if his decision to be alone was a wise choice. Now that he gives it more thought, he doesn’t truly want to be alone right now. He actually wants someone to be here for him, to tell him that everything is going to be alright and this isn’t the end of the world. He needs a shoulder to cry on, an ear to pour his heart out to. Really, there is only one person he can think of that he wants to talk to at the moment.

Picking up the cell phone he doesn’t remember discarding, he dials a familiar number and waits for his call to be answered. Thankfully, he’s not left waiting long.

“Hello?” A sleep rough voice answers, sounding both out of it and a little irritated. “Do you realize I _just_ laid down for a nap and won’t be able to get any more sleep until tonight?”

“Mack?” Jensen says softly, on the verge of tears and falling apart as soon as he hears his sister’s voice.

“Jensen? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did something happen?” The questions come out rushed and concerned and she sounds instantly more awake and alert. “Jenny, talk to me!” 

Jensen takes a deep, calming breath before attempting to speak once again. “I… well, I just really needed someone to talk to right now, but I’m sorry if I woke you up from your nap. I can call back again later, or you can give me a ring when you wake up.”

“Don’t be stupid, I’m up now. Besides, you come first, you know that,” She scolds him gently, worry and slight fear in her voice. “I’m always here for you when you need to talk. Now, tell me what’s happened, you don’t sound good at all. Are you okay, is Jared alright?”

Jensen’s breath hitches on a sob at the mention of Jared’s name and Mackenzie latches onto it immediately, demanding that he tell her what is going on right this instant. Jensen is grateful for her protectiveness; it was what he needed, even though he hadn’t realized it until now. What he needed all along was his sister, the love of a one of the few family members he has left.

“Come on, Jen, tell me what’s going on, you’re starting to scare me.” His sister prods impatiently.

“Physically I’m fine,” he whispers but doesn’t elaborate further, knowing he doesn’t have to.

“But you’re not emotionally,” she finishes for him softly, a huff of breath leaving her lips as she tries to calculate how bad the situation is.

“Jared broke up with me.”

He says this quietly, deciding it is best to just get straight to the point rather than beat around the bush any longer. He isn’t the type to usually talk about his feelings, would rather bury them deep and deal with them on his own, but he has never had a problem talking to his sister. She is the only one who can ever get him to talk, sometimes without even trying. He always feels better after talking to her, or at least a little better, and most times, like this one, he seeks her out for these conversations.

There is stunned silence on the other end of the line for a good period of time and Jensen doesn’t say anything either, giving Mackenzie time to process what he just told her. He knows this probably comes as a shock to her, especially since he hadn’t told her about the problems he and Jared were having. This probably isn’t making any sense to her and he doesn’t quite know how to explain it all to her, where to start or if he is even strong enough to give her the details.

“What?” she whispers a moment later, shock and disbelief coloring her voice.

“Yeah,” he responds, unsure what else to say.

“But everything was going so well for you two, I don’t understand how it could all fall apart so suddenly.” When she says this she is mostly talking to herself but Jensen answers her all the same.

“Things haven’t exactly been as good as I made you believe. I didn’t tell you about the problems we’ve been having. I dunno, maybe I thought they’d sort themselves out and I didn’t really need to talk about it. Obviously, I was wrong.” He breathes out a sigh and closes his eyes tightly when he feels the sting of tears. “For some time now he’s been distancing himself from me and there was something bothering him that he refused to talk to me about.”

There’s silence on the other end for a beat of a moment. “This thing that was bothering him, was it the reason you guys broke up?”

“His mom’s been asking him when he’s gonna settle down with a girl and start a family. He’s terrified of disappointing his family, losing them like I lost mine when mom and dad found out I was gay, so he thought it’d be easier to break up with me,” Jensen explains the best he can while fighting off stubborn tears. “He says he loves me, but he obviously doesn’t love me enough.”

He hears his sister breathe into the phone before she finally speaks again. “Do I have to come out there and knock some sense into that boy? You know I’d do it in a heartbeat, wouldn’t be too hard to get a ride, I’m sure Josh would elect to drive me. I can kick some Texan ass for you, just say the word.”

Jensen can’t help but laugh when he hears this, silently thanking his sister for cheering him up; it’s been a while since he last laughed. He knew she would be able to make him feel a little better. He can always count on Mackenzie to, at the very least, bring a smile to his face, and right now he really couldn’t ask for more than that.

“Nah, I won’t subject him to the wrath of Mack, no matter how much he may deserve it right now. Besides, I highly doubt it would make any difference, that man is too stubborn for his own good. Thanks for offering, though.” He smiles into the phone and then they change the subject to a lighter topic, Mackenzie doing her best to cheer her brother up.

**:0Ж0:**

November 30th, 2000

Jensen is out of breath by the time he reaches his dorm room and he has to take a moment to allow some oxygen into his aching lungs. The backpack slung over his shoulder feels as though it weighs a ton, but he knows that is mainly because he has had to lug it around all day. After a full day of class after class all he wants to do is take a breather and relax, but, unfortunately, he knows that isn’t about to happen. He has to be at work in thirty minutes, meaning he has no time to dawdle around. On a good note, tomorrow won’t nearly be as hectic as today has been.

He can’t say that he completely hates these grueling days; at least they keep his mind off of Jared, and at this point he is grateful for anything that can keep his mind from straying in the shaggy haired man’s direction. These last two months haven’t been easy on Jensen and he knows he isn’t over Jared yet, is beginning to wonder if he ever will be. Some days are easier than others, but for the most part the younger man has a way of entering his thoughts throughout the day at some point or other.

He still misses Jared like crazy, isn’t even about to deny that fact. Anyone that knows him knows the breakup has hit him hard and he is still dealing with the aftermath. Things are a little easier to handle than they were right after they broke up, though. Jensen can stand in the same room as Jared and not feel the need to flee. He isn’t saying it is easy, but he is strong enough to be in the other man’s presence now. He has spoken to Jared here and there as well, though they are nowhere near the friendship they used to share. Tension still hangs in the air whenever they are in the same room and he always feels awkward talking to Jared now, has grown accustomed to feeling this way.

He has finally given up on the hope that Jared will wake up and realize that he has made a mistake. He no longer believes the younger man will come back to him, has resigned himself to the fact that what they had was great while it lasted but it just wasn’t meant to be. Jared has made no indication that he misses what they had, has shown no signs of eventually coming to his senses, and has even gone on a few dates with girls that turned out to be a bust. So really, the only thing left for Jensen to do is accept it.

He has decided that he is done waiting around for Jared. He may still miss the younger man like crazy but he isn’t holding on to false hope anymore, he sees no point in it. Jared isn’t coming back to him, this is fact, and Jensen isn’t going to wait around for something that simply isn’t going to happen. He still has his pride; he keeps his feelings hidden to the best of his ability, and is more than ready to go on with his life. He is tired of pining over someone who doesn’t want him, doesn’t want to live like this any longer.

All in all, Jensen is doing his best to get through the days, hoping one day he will come to find that he has moved on and Jared is nothing more than precious memories of the past.

Jensen pulls out his room key once he regains his breath and slides it into the lock. He frowns, however, when he realizes that the door is already unlocked. Cautiously, he steps into the room and looks at the unfamiliar guy standing beside Jared’s old bed rooting through a suitcase.

The guy lifts his blonde head when he hears the door open and meets Jensen’s eyes, bright blue connecting with emerald. He stops digging through his belongings, standing there a bit awkwardly for a moment before stepping around the bed and stopping a few feet in front of Jensen.

“Hey, man, I’m your new roommate,” the guy says as he extends his hand out to Jensen. “My name’s Will Emmons.”

Jensen takes Will’s hand in his own and gives it a brief shake. “I’m Jensen Ackles.”

“Yeah, I know,” Will responds and Jensen raises an eyebrow at this. “A friend of mine told me who you were when I told him who I was rooming with,” he goes on to explain.

“Oh, I didn’t realize many people knew me on campus,” Jensen says softly, suddenly feeling awkward in Will’s presence.

“I don’t know how many people actually know who you are but apparently my friend has a class with you. He, uh…” Will trails off for a second, looking unsure and a bit uncomfortable. “He also told me that you’re gay. Is that true?”

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?” Jensen frowns, voice coming out slightly defensive. _Last thing I need is my roommate to be a homophobe._

“No, of course not,” Will rushes to say, though he still appears to be a little uncomfortable. “As long as you don’t hit on me or anything we’ll get along just fine. I’m not homophobic or anything but I don’t swing that way either and I won’t deny feeling a little uncomfortable being hit on by guys.”

“Well, that wouldn’t be a problem anyway, I wouldn’t hit on you. Besides, no offense or anything, but you’re not my type.”

“None taken,” Will laughs softly, seeming to relax a bit more in Jensen’s presence now that the awkward conversation has been dealt with.

“Sorry I have to rush off so quickly after just meeting you and all, but I have to get to work or I’m gonna be late,” Jensen says, excusing himself from any further conversation and heading into the bathroom to get cleaned up.

“That’s cool, I understand. Besides, we’re living together now, we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other later,” Will replies from the other room.

Jensen nods his head absentmindedly, though he knows Will can’t see him, and releases the breath he was unconsciously holding. He knows he should have expected something like this to happen, he wasn’t going to be without a roommate forever, but it just feels weird with Will here now. He can’t help feeling as though Will is trying to take Jared’s place. He realizes how ridiculous this sounds, it is irrational and unfair, but he can’t stop from thinking in such a way.

Some part of him always hoped Jared would come back. Maybe not in the sense of his boyfriend, but he had hoped they could salvage their friendship enough for Jared to move back in as his roommate. He always figured the idea was possible so long as Jared still had a room to come back to, but now all that has changed. The little bit of hope he was still holding on to has been crushed and he must face the facts.

Jensen shakes his head, whether to rid himself of these thoughts or for his own stupidity, he isn’t sure. Focusing his mind on getting ready for work, he pushes all thoughts of Jared and having a new roommate to where they won’t bother him and quickly changes into his work uniform.

“Hey, I have a little time to kill, do you need a ride to work?” Will asks once Jensen reappears from the bathroom.

Jensen considers this for a moment but decides it might not be all that smart to climb into Will’s vehicle. He may be his new roommate but he doesn’t know all that much about the other man and it is too early to put any kind of trust in him, especially blind faith. Besides, Chris would have his ass if he found out Jensen took a ride from someone he just met. Jensen isn’t in any mood to get his ass kicked right now so he politely declines the offer.

“Nah, I’m good. Besides, the Paradise Café is only a few blocks away. Thanks for the offer, though.” Jensen says, smiling to show he appreciates the other man’s kindness, and slides his wallet into his back pocket.

“Alright, man, I guess I’ll catch ya later, then.” Will responds with a shrug of his shoulders, causing a few loose strands of blonde hair to fall into his eyes.

Jensen forces his eyes away from the sight, remembering how Jared’s hair used to do the same thing, and heads to the door. He spares Will one last glance and a “see you later” before closing the door behind him and heading off campus.

**:0Ж0:**

“I ordered roast beef on a white roll, so, tell me son, why is the bread lightly toasted? I specifically remember saying I didn’t want roast beef on toasted bread! Tell me young man, are you hard of hearing? Is that why I didn’t receive what I ordered?” An elderly woman - Jensen assumes she has to be in her seventies - barks at him with narrowed eyes.

Right about now Jensen is starting to believe God has a grudge against him. His whole work shift so far has been filled with difficult customers of the likes of the one currently glaring at him. He wants to tell her that she did in fact order roast beef on toasted bread, but the damn policy here at the café is that the customers are always right, and if he were to call her out on her senility problem he would most definitely be fired, something he can’t afford to happen.

For the past ten minutes the elderly woman has ranted and raved at him, not allowing him to get a word in. She is by far the most rude and difficult customer he has dealt with today and he is hoping desperately she will be the last. Right now he is just wishing he could get her off his back, just make her go away. That obviously isn’t happening any time soon though, because she still isn’t done yelling at him and calling him a moron.

Evan, of course, is just standing off to the side smirking as he helps his own customers. Jensen wants to smack the smug grin off the prick’s face, or send senile lady over to him to deal with. Now that would be sweet. Jensen can’t help smiling at the thought and the images that pop into his head - picturing a flustered and annoyed Evan is pleasing - but the old bag sees this and thinks he’s trying to be a smart ass and that just pushes her into spouting more insults at him.

“Look, ma’am, I’m sorry for messing up your order,” Jensen gets out through gritted teeth, knowing good and well he _didn’t_ mess up her order but is being forced to take the blame. “Please, give me a moment and I will make you another one just the way you want it.”

“That won’t be necessary, I don’t want _you_ making anything for me only to screw it up again like the moron you are. No, I want a full refund for my ruined dinner.”

Jensen quickly opens the register and pulls out the amount of money the woman paid for her sandwich, eager to get her out of his face. “Here you go, ma’am, and once again I’m sorry for this mix-up.”

“I’m going to tell all my friends about this incident, let them know the type of employees they have working here. They have a right to know just how incompetent you people really are,” she snarls maliciously before storming out of the small café.

Jensen lets out a relieved sigh the moment the lady disappears from view and rubs at his temples, pretty sure he can feel a headache coming on. This has not turned out to be a good day for him and the fact that Evan is laughing softly at him doesn’t help matters any. He truly didn’t expect any less from the other man, though, he knows how much Evan despises him, taking joy in anything that bothers Jensen.

From day one the brunette hadn’t taken to Jensen very well, openly showed his disdain the moment they met. Jensen can’t put his finger on what he did to make the guy hate him so much, doesn’t believe he ever did anything to deserve the cold stares and rude comments. Nevertheless, Jensen has grown accustomed to Evan’s attitude and knows how to deal with the guy for the most part.

“The nerve of some people, wouldn’t have wanted to be you back there.”

Jensen looks up to see a guy, close to his mid thirties, standing where his difficult costumer vacated. A hint of a smile tilts up a pair of luscious looking lips and Jensen’s eyes are instantly drawn to the neatly trimmed hair lining the man’s jaw, chin and upper lip. Without conscious knowledge, Jensen’s gaze trails down to the spot where the man’s pristine white shirt hangs open, left unbuttoned at the top, showcasing a sliver of tanned skin. The shirt is practically molded to the guy’s torso, showing off an impressive chest and set of abs that Jensen can’t help but notice.

Jensen’s gaze travel up to the man’s face once more only to find a pair of deep brown eyes boring into his own. Instantly he feels his face flush with embarrassment at having been caught openly checking the guy out. The man’s lips turn upward into a full blown smile and his eyes shine with the same emotion, knowing full well Jensen finds him attractive. That gorgeous smile doesn’t help Jensen’s current predicament either.

Jensen coughs, hoping to deflect any further embarrassment, and smiles a bit shyly at the man staring intently at him. “Yeah, well, I see a lot of difficult customers day in and day out. That lady just so happens to take the cake, though… so far, anyway.” Jensen manages to laugh a little, embarrassment still strumming through his veins.

The man smiles softly. “I dunno, seemed to me like that woman is just a bitch in general, you were just unfortunate enough to have to deal with her. I’m sure there have been plenty of people standing in your shoes before, I wouldn’t take it personally.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right about that,” Jensen shakes his head and smiles slightly. “So, what can I get for you?”

“Can I trust you to get my order right?” he teases, eyes shining mischievously.

Jensen’s eyes widen in mock anger and he finds himself doing what he has never done with a customer, a total stranger, before: he reaches out and smacks the man on his arm. “You have no faith in me, huh? I expected better from you. I’m deeply offended!” Jensen shakes his head in mock disappointment.

“Oh, we definitely can’t have that!” The man plays along, eyes wide and hand placed over his heart. “How bout we make a deal. You prove me wrong, make me a damn good sandwich, the way I order it, and I’ll take that comment back.”

“You’re on,” Jensen responds determinedly, all but shaking hands with the guy to seal the deal, his own eyes sparkling with mischief now.

“How ‘bout you fix me a turkey club with all the trimmings and make sure the bread _isn’t_ toasted.” the guy says, smirking slightly.

“I’ll get right to work on that… that is, after you pay up, of course.” Jensen smiles smugly, unable to believe he is flirting so blatantly with one of his customers. _This is so unlike me, what the hell am I doing?_

Jensen pushes this thought into the back of his mind, however, when this mystery guy hands over the money for his food. Jensen places it in the cash register, smiles softly at the brown-eyed cutie, a bit of his shy nature returning, and heads over to the counter where they make the sandwiches.

The gorgeous man, newly referred to as ‘mystery man’, follows him over to the counter, watching him intently with those deep brown eyes of his, and Jensen feels his face heat up at the blatant scrutiny. He tries to ignore the man watching him so intensely and focuses his attention on the task at hand, making the greatest damn sandwich to best of his ability. He doesn’t really know what he is doing with this guy but he also isn’t looking too deeply into it; at least he’s trying not to.

A short time later Jensen is finished with the sandwich, which he has done a pretty damn good job on if he says so himself, and turns once more to the man waiting patiently. The guy is leaning against the counter, intense eyes watching his every move, and Jensen can’t stop himself from blushing slightly. He forces a smug smile onto his face, though, and passes the sandwich into the guy’s awaiting hands.

“So, what’s the verdict?” he asks, waiting impatiently.

The guy makes a big show of inspecting the sandwich, making Jensen roll his eyes good-naturedly, and then he nods his head in obvious approval. “Alright, I guess I owe you an apology. I take back that unfounded comment, you definitely know how to make a mean sandwich, uh… Jensen.” the guy replies, reading Jensen’s nametag and then smiling widely.

“Now you know never to doubt me,” Jensen responds, skin crinkling at the corner of his eyes as he smiles.

“So, are you new here?”

Jensen laughs at this. “No, I’m far from new. I’ve worked here for a year now.”

The guy’s eyes widen in surprise. “Seriously? I come here pretty regularly and I’d like to think I would remember if I’d seen you before or not.”

“I’m being completely serious. I work part time though, and my classes are top priority, even over work, so maybe that’s why you’ve never seen me before.”

“You’re a college student, huh?” Jensen nods in conformation. “That’s cool, good for you.”

“Yeah, well, I have a long way to go but at least I’m in the process of getting where I want to go in life.” Jensen shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“Not everyone can say that, you should be proud of yourself.”

Jensen simply smiles shyly and, regretfully, says that he needs to get back to work. He has been enjoying their conversation, would like to continue it, but he has customers waiting on him so he knows their little talk is going to have to come to an end.

“I should be going anyway,” the man says, as he places something on the counter, “it was nice talking to you though, maybe I’ll see you around.”

“You never know, maybe you will. Besides, you know where I work, so maybe you’ll be lucky enough to get another one of those awesome sandwiches.”

The man smiles again, all teeth and warmth. “Looking forward to it,” his voice isn’t even a whisper, it’s more like a breath, and then he is leaving the café.

Jensen watches him until he is out of sight and then he glances down at the card on the counter. Reaching out, he takes the card in his hand and inspects it. As he expected, it has the man’s number on it as well as his name, Justin Chambers. Despite himself, Jensen finds he can’t stop smiling like a fool for the rest of his shift, thoughts for once not consumed by Jared but instead by Justin.

**:0Ж0:**

The sky is growing dark by the time Jensen reaches Malone’s. It had been a nice evening for a walk, a soft cool breeze washing over his face, and Jensen just couldn’t help himself. He used to love walking back home, most of the time he would elect to walk rather than drive anywhere. He didn’t realize how much he missed it until he just began walking in the direction of the ice cream parlor instead of waiting for a taxi like he usually would.

The scent of cleaning detergents fills his nostrils the moment he steps inside and he finds Jack at the back of the parlor with a mop in his hand. The older man greets him with that smile he has become familiar with and sets the mop aside to attend him. The dark haired man stops in front of him, elbows resting on the counter, watching Jensen inquisitively. Jensen can easily tell that Jack knows there is something different about him today, so he keeps his expression neutral, not giving anything away.

Jack narrows his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what is amiss, but gives up a moment later. “So, what can I get for you today Jen?”

“I’ll have a plain old milk chocolate shake today,” Jensen replies as he takes out his wallet.

“One milk chocolate shake coming up!” Jack jovially announces to a practically empty room and gets to work on Jensen‘s order.

Jensen tells him that he’s going to find a seat and then he is resting at a booth near the back of the parlor, slouching down in his seat comfortably. Raising his eyes to see that Jack is still preoccupied with the shake he is making, Jensen pulls out the card Justin left behind for him and slides his eyes over the cream colored surface. This is the millionth time he has pulled the card out and just stared at it.

He really doesn’t understand why he can feel butterflies fluttering around in the pit of his stomach every time he looks at the card or thinks about the man that gave it to him. He is nowhere near ready to begin dating again; its only been two months since Jared called it quits, but he can’t stop thinking about the guy who flirted so effortlessly with him.

Jensen isn’t going to deny the attraction he felt toward the man, would be pointless to even try to. That isn’t what is bothering him, though. No, the thing that’s bothering him is he had felt a connection with the guy. How can that be possible though? He hardly knows the man, just met him, so how can he possibly feel any kind of connection? All he knows was that it was easy to talk to Justin, the kind of easy that comes from years of knowing someone, and he really enjoyed the brown-eyed man’s company. He wouldn’t object to seeing him again, even if every fiber of his being is telling him that isn’t a good idea.

With a sigh, Jensen slides the card back into his wallet, firmly deciding not to look at it again. However, even as he’s come to this decision, he knows it won’t be long before he is sliding it back out of his wallet once more. If he was ready to start dating again, Justin would be the man he’d want to give it a try with, but the fact is that he isn’t. He doesn’t know when he will be again, but right now just isn’t the time.

He knows he will probably never give Justin a call. And even if he did, by the time that he’s ready to date again, the opportunity will have more than likely passed him by. He keeps telling himself to throw the damn thing away, all it is doing is driving him crazy anyway, but he can’t seem to do it. Every time he comes near a trash can he itches to toss the burden into it, be rid of it once and for all, but at the last minute he walks away with the card still sitting securely where it has taken up residence in his wallet.

“Here’s your shake, loaded with whipped cream, just the way you like it.” Jack is suddenly at his side, sliding the glass onto the table, and Jensen startles out of his thoughts, smiling sheepishly.

“Thanks, this looks great, it’s just what I need,” Jensen says gratefully as he pulls out the money and hands it to Jack.

The dark haired man slides into the seat across from him and quirks an eyebrow in silent question. Jensen averts his eyes to his milkshake, sucking on the straw hard until the ice cold liquid loosens up enough to drink. He keeps his eyes firmly away from the cheerful owner, his newfound friend, and plants his gaze in every direction but Jack’s.

Jack lets out a sigh when Jensen offers up no explanation for his odd mood and crosses his arms on the table top, eyes boring into Jensen’s. “What’s up with you, Jensen? There’s something different about you today. You’re not being your gloomy, depressed self. That brave face you‘re usually sporting is nowhere to be found,” Jack observes, eyeing Jensen critically. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re looking better today, but I’m curious… what’s gotten you outta that funk you‘re always in?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Jack,” Jensen sighs, confusion over his new predicament finally coming through, “I’ve just had a strange day today, that’s all.”

“Are you sure about that?” The older man asks skeptically. “The way I see it, something awfully good must’ve happened, not strange, like you’re putting it.”

“Why do you say that?” Jensen whispers quietly, almost afraid to ask.

“The dazed look on your face gives it away,” Jack answers with a smile, sincere and warm. “Not to mention the gleam in your eyes and the fact that you don’t seem to notice you can’t keep a smile off your face.”

Jensen startles in amazement when he realizes he is, in fact, smiling softly right this minute. He wipes the smile off his face, expression growing confused once more. _What the hell is going on with me?_ he silently questions, desperation consuming him. Jack frowns as he watches him, concern bleeding into his eyes, replacing the amusement and joy that had been there. He reaches out and rests his hand on Jensen’s forearm, squeezing comfortingly.

“Are you alright, Jensen? What happened today?” he asks softly, as though trying to calm a wild, caged animal.

Jensen is silent for a long moment, trying to figure things out in his own mind, wrap his mind around what he is feeling for a man he doesn’t honestly know anything about.

“I met a guy today. He came into the café for dinner, or a late lunch, I’m not too sure,” Jensen finally speaks, still looking down at his melting shake. “I had been dealing with a really difficult customer when he came in and that was what started the conversation between us. We flirted back and forth, though even at the time I couldn’t understand what compelled me to do something so bold.”

Jack is smiling as he listens to Jensen talk, but he isn’t interrupting, so Jensen continues, “At the end of our conversation he left behind his card with his number on it, obviously hoping I’ll give him a call sometime.”

Jack waits a moment to make sure Jensen is finished talking and then he opens his mouth to respond. “So you’re attracted to this guy.” It’s more an observation than a question.

“Yeah… yeah, I think I am,” Jensen answers, still sounding hopelessly confused. “But I’m not ready to start dating yet, it would be a mistake to call him.”

“Who knows, maybe you are ready to start dating, maybe you’re just scared to even try and so you’re coming up with any excuse you can find to keep from throwing yourself out there again,” Jack suggests lightly, keeping his tone gentle and soft, like the mere suggestion will send Jensen into panic mode.

“I really don’t think I am. It’s only been two months since Jared left me, that can’t be enough time,” Jensen responds firmly, though he isn’t sure who he is trying to convince, Jack or himself. _Is he right? Am I afraid of getting hurt again? Am I latching onto anything I can to keep myself from starting another relationship?_ Jensen shakes his head to clear it, not wanting to think about this.

Before Jack can add any more of his input Jensen steers the conversation in another direction. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Besides, I should get back to the dorms, I have an early day tomorrow and it’d be a good idea to get enough sleep.”

“How’d you get here, anyway?” Jack asks curiously. “I didn’t see a taxi pull up outside.”

“I decided to walk today, it was nice outside and I used to walk a lot back home. It was kind of invigorating, ya know. I don‘t walk enough.”

“Chris will have your hide if he finds out you walked all the way here, you know how protective he is of ya,” Jack scolds lightly, though the upturn of his lips and the gleam in his eyes betray his amusement.

“Yes, but no one is going to tell him now, are they?” Jensen responds, mischief coloring his tone as he smiles impishly at the parlor owner.

“You’re safe this time, but I can’t guarantee next time,” Jack laughs as they make their way to the counter and he pours the rest of Jensen’s shake into a Styrofoam cup. “You’re not walking back, though, ya hear me? It’s dark now and who knows what kind of crazies are out there just waiting for someone like you to come along. You’re gonna wait right here till a cab shows up and I don’t want to hear any arguments out of you mister.”

“Yes sir!” Jensen laughs, shaking his head at the protectiveness his friend is showing and the authoritative tone he’s using.

Jack smiles before turning to the phone and calling for a cab while Jensen moves over to one of the booths to wait for his ride, silently thanking the powers that be for blessing him with such caring friends in his life.


	15. Someone to Hold

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Fourteen:**  
 _Someone to Hold_  
-~*~-

December 12th, 2000

Jensen sits on the barstool, Sophia at his side, nursing a perspiring bottle of MGD. He finds that this is just what he needed after a long week of seemingly endless hours of work and scheduled classes. Doesn’t hurt that he is in good company either; it has been a while since he has been able to spend any time with the brunette bombshell and he has come to realize just how much he’s missed her.

He had been more than happy when she called him on his cell, asking if he wanted to meet up with her at the Roadside Bar for a drink, and he had jumped at the chance to spend some quality time with his friend.

Just thinking about how he has been distanced from his friends lately makes him think that maybe he has been working too hard, been too engrossed with the distraction that working provides that he has involuntarily pushed aside the people closest to him. He can’t help feeling like a total jerk when he thinks about it and silently decides to put aside some time for his friends. He can’t afford to lose them, desperately doesn’t want to lose their friendship, and is willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that doesn’t happen.

He hasn’t been doing it on purpose. In fact, he hadn’t even realized he _was_ distancing himself. There have just been so many different things on his mind lately and it has been all he can focus on. Besides the normal, work and classes, his thoughts have been centered on his dating status and the words Jack said to him that night at Malone’s.

He still hasn’t given Justin a call, like he expected he wouldn’t. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about it, though. He figures it is kind of too late for that call anyway, _if_ he were even considering calling the man. Which, he isn’t. Besides, is two weeks too long to wait? Jensen isn’t sure, but he thinks so. He knows if their positions were reversed he would have given up on getting any call from him, would have moved on.

Besides, he knows for absolute certainty that he is still very much in love with Jared. The shaggy haired man is so far beneath his skin and Jensen hasn’t been able to find a way to get him out. He really wishes he could move on too, because he has grown tired of holding on like this. He wants to let Jared go, doesn’t want to wait around for him anymore. He wants more than anything to move on with his life, move on from Jared and start dating again.

Jared has told him many times that he needs to let him go, so why the hell can’t he seem to do that? Why can’t he just realize that what they had is over and let it go? His mind is telling him that it is time to move on, that there are many available guys out there that could love him, but his heart is fighting it with all its strength. His heart is still holding on tightly to Jared, with a grip too tight for even Jensen to release.

It’s not that Jensen doesn’t want to find someone - he doesn’t want to be alone, and holding onto Jared is just exhausting - but he just can’t seem to get this through to his stubborn heart. He knows very well that he had the opportunity to move on with his life; Justin made it obvious that he was interested, but Jensen managed to screw up that possibility. It was never the right time and now he thinks it just might be too late.

Jensen is tired of denying it, he was very much interested in Justin, still is if he’s honest with himself. He was a dumb ass though, and didn’t jump on the opportunity when it presented itself. He isn’t sure he would have gone through with it had he given Justin a call, but now he will never know for sure. _Maybe Jack was right, maybe I am scared. Justin wasn’t afraid to show his interest in me, decided to take the chance, but… I’m afraid of being hurt again._

“So, tell me, where you been hiding yourself these days?” Sophia asks, slanting her head in his general direction and quirking one of her eyebrows. “We were beginning to think you’d forgotten about us. The guys aren’t going to believe me when I tell them I got you to come out of your hole long enough to spend some time with me.”

“That’s true, we wouldn’t have, if we hadn’t seen it with our own eyes,” a voice says before Jensen has a chance to respond.

He glances behind him to find Mike, Chris, Tom, and Jared standing there. He flushes at the open curiosity on their faces, a hint of hurt in their expressions, and smiles guiltily at them. Before he can apologize and explain his absence, Sophia suggests they find a table so they can have more privacy and Jensen couldn’t agree more. Tom leads their little group over to a table in a shadowed corner and they all take their seats, Jensen between Sophia and Mike.

Jensen relishes being in the company of his friends again. Even with the slightly awkward tension hanging in the air, it feels really good to be spending time with these guys once again. It has been too long since they just went out for a drink, or even just got together for lunch. _Hmm, that’s an idea I’m gonna have to bring up to them_ , he decides with a slight smile on his face.

“So, you gonna answer my question, Jen?” Sophia asks once they have settled at their table. “What have you been doing lately? Seems like forever since the last time we all hung out.”

“I’ve just been busy with work and my classes. Some days I have time for little else. Plus, well, I’ve had some things on my mind lately that I may have put too much focus into, or I’ve been doing everything I can to keep myself distracted from them, I guess, is what I should say,” Jensen explains with a sheepish yet apologetic smile. “I wasn’t trying to ignore you guys or anything, so I hope you don’t think that.”

“We were beginning to wonder, but it’s fine. I can understand what it’s like to be busy, or to have thoughts ruling my actions. We’re just glad you’re doing okay and haven’t completely forgotten about us,” Tom says with that friendly smile of his. Though Jensen has never deliberately tried, he knows for a fact that it is nearly impossible to anger the man; for the most part he just lets things slide off his back.

“Wait a minute, are you sure you’ve had things on your mind?” Sophia asks with a slight upturn to her lips, eyes gleaming with mischief and poorly concealed joy, “Or is it more likely _someone_ has been on your mind?”

Jensen blushes, which is more than a dead giveaway to Sophia. “Yeah, I may have had someone on my mind lately.”

Jared is watching him with pity and remorse in his eyes, obviously assuming _he_ is the one Jensen can’t get off his mind. _Could you be more self-centered?_ Jensen silently asks him, feeling a little bitter.

“Is it written on my face or something? Is that how you could tell so easily?” Jensen asks, forcing himself not to look at Jared, who has lowered his head seemingly unable to meet Jensen‘s eyes.

“I’m not going to give my secrets away, not even to you, Jen,” she replies with a wink. “Now, do tell, who is this mystery man?”

“He’s just some guy I met at work, a customer,” Jensen answers, smiling shyly.

Jared’s head snaps up the moment these words register in his mind and he stares at Jensen in shock. There is also another emotion shining in his eyes but his expression becomes neutrally blank before Jensen can decipher what it was. He decides not to worry himself with this, not really that interested in what Jared is thinking right now. After all, Jared is the one who broke up with him, the one telling him to move on. So honestly, he should be happy that Jensen just may be doing that finally.

Sophia eyes light up even more, which Jensen hadn’t even known was actually possible. She is full on beaming at him, mischief in her eyes telling him that she won’t let him leave without telling her all the sordid details. She knows how hard the breakup was on him, saw him retreat into himself, and Jensen knows she felt helpless at the time.

On the odd occasion that he had sat down and spoke to her about how he was coping she told him that it killed her to see him so hurt, but that she felt like she was stuck in the middle because they were both her friends. She didn’t want to be put into any position where she had to take sides, though that didn’t mean she didn’t empathize with what Jensen was going through, and she even admitted that she had a difficult time not blaming Jared for all he did. Jensen’s depressed mood was really hard on her, and she had said she wanted to see him happy again. 

“So, tell me about him. What’s he look like, what’s his personality like? Did he make any kind of indication that he was interested in you?” She rattles off question after question and Jensen tries his best to keep up, smiling slightly in amusement.

Jensen pulls the card out of his wallet, _still_ unable to make himself throw it away, and lays it down on the table. Sophia slides it over to her immediately and sweeps her eyes over it. “I’d say that’s enough indication that he’s interested,” Jensen says somewhat bashfully, talking about guys has always embarrassed him and right now it is a little awkward with Jared sitting across from him.

“He left you his number,” Sophia whistles softly, smiling in obvious delight. “Justin Chambers.” She rolls the name around on her tongue and then nods her head in approval as though the guy’s name tells her all she needs to know.

“When’d you meet him?” Tom asks, smiling softly himself.

Jensen blushes in embarrassment, instantly knowing what kind of reaction his words will get him. “He came into the café two weeks ago.”

The occupants of the table all widen their eyes, with the exception of Jared of course, and they all gape at him in surprise. Jensen just shrugs in a weak defense and has to resist the urge to hide his face from his friends.

“You’ve had his number for that long and you still haven’t called him?” Sophia asks, shaking her head as though she’s disappointed. “I’m right, aren’t I? You haven’t called him, have you?”

Jensen lowers his head, feeling like a loser. “No, I haven’t called him,” he admits, the words muttered under his breath.

“It’s obvious you like the guy, so why the hell haven’t you called him up yet?” Mike finally speaks, and Jensen is surprised he stayed quiet for this long, usually he can’t wait to give someone his input.

“What’s the guy like, Jen?” Chris asks, ignoring the fact that Mike just asked a question.

Jensen stays quiet for a moment, thinking back on the light hearted, easygoing man he met at the café. “He’s… he made me laugh, has a great sense of humor. He’s clean cut, dresses nice with not too much facial hair. I found talking to him to be near effortless, which was surprising ‘cause I’ve hardly ever clicked with someone so quickly. We only talked for a short time but he seems intelligent with a playful side. He seemed to enjoy teasing me.” Jensen recalls all that he can about Justin with a slight smile lifting his lips, eyes somewhat distant and glazed.

Jensen draws himself out of the daze he found himself in and finds Sophia watching him with a bright, wide smile on her face. “How old is he?” she asks with obvious interest in her voice.

“I don’t know for sure, I hadn’t thought to ask him. But if I were to give a round about estimate, I’d say he looked to be in his mid thirties. That‘s just a rough guess though, these days it‘s hard to tell someone‘s age just by looking at them.”

Sophia’s eyes are glinting with mirth and mischief when she says, “Well, Jen, you just may have gotten yourself an older man, yay for you!”

“I’m not even into guys, but it sounds to me like this one is a keeper. So, tell me, why the hell haven’t you called him already?” Mike asks, raising an eyebrow incredulously.

Jensen sighs and gives his friends a tired look. “It’s complicated, guys, just let it go.”

“You do like him, don’t ya?” Chris asks. “Ignore whatever it is in your head that’s telling you this isn’t a good idea and just give the guy a call already. What could it hurt?”

“Come on, give him a break. If he says it’s complicated then you should leave it alone. If he wants to call this Justin guy, then he will, but don’t pressure him into it.” Jared finally speaks, voice sounding strange, clipped with a hint of an emotion Jensen doesn’t want to name.

Sophia glares at Jared, obviously catching onto that emotion Jensen refuses to delve deeper into. Jared shuts up immediately, lowering his head and sulking like a scolded five year old. She then turns her attention to Jensen, soft expression on her face and in her eyes as she reaches out and places her hand on his forearm.

“Look, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you some advice. It sounds like you are really interested in this guy, just a little afraid perhaps. I can understand that, I really can. But Jensen, you can’t let that hold you back. If you like this guy, then I say you should go for it, put yourself out there,” Sophia looks straight into his eyes as she says this, forcing him to listen. “You don’t want to look back, maybe months from now, and regret not at least giving the man a call. I mean, what have you got to lose? He sounds like a nice guy, possibly someone you could just have fun with. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by, Jen, you owe it to yourself to go for this, and you deserve to have a little fun.”

“It’s been two weeks though,” Jensen protests, voice and expression miserable. “You don’t think I’ve waited too long already? Has the opportunity already passed me by?”

“I would say yes if it had been a month, but it’s only been two weeks. I think you still have a chance,” she says reassuringly, trying her hardest to convince him. “I’m sure the guy hasn’t forgotten about you, it has only been two weeks, after all.”

“Go give him a call, Jen, before you lose the nerve,” Chris tells him, giving him that expression that says Jensen better do as he says or he will kick his ass.

“What? Now?” Jensen asks, eyes widening and panic filling his body

“Yeah, why not? Better do it now while you have the nerve. We know you, Jen, you’ll find some reason to back out,” Mike says, smiling in amusement.

“And we’re not gonna let you do that,” Sophia says determinedly.

Jensen glances across the table at Jared, who is watching him with a blank expression on his face. Jared sighs audibly and turns his head away, unwilling to meet Jensen’s eyes anymore. Jensen contemplates his friends’ words, contemplates calling Justin or dismissing the idea. He figures his friends might be right. What’s the harm in a phone call, right? He might just drive himself insane if he doesn’t call, because until he does that seemingly innocent card will just sit in his wallet when he should throw it away.

Decision made, Jensen rises from his seat and takes the card from Sophia’s slack fingers. His friends watch him with poorly concealed hope and he tells them he will make the call. They all whoop in triumph, happy for him, minus Jared. He tells them he is going outside for some privacy and then he is heading out of the bar.

The cool night air hits him the moment he steps outside and he shivers slightly from the drop in temperature. Inside the bar it was stifling because of the amount of people crowded in one place, but outside it is chilly and a soft breeze caresses his exposed skin. Stepping away from the entrance, he moves to the far end of the building and leans against the wall.

Taking his cell out of his pocket, he glances at the card in his left hand as he punches in the numbers. Breathing in deeply, Jensen lifts the phone to his ear and tries to will his heart to calm down. The moment a voice on the other end of the line speaks Jensen’s brain short circuits and he has no idea what to say.

“Uh, Justin?” Jensen asks dumbly, rolling his eyes and inwardly cursing his conversational skills.

“Yeah, who is this?” Justin sounds confused and a bit suspicious.

“Hey, um… this is Jensen… we met at the Paradise Café,” Jensen explains, feeling stupid and wondering if the man even remembers him. He wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, they only met that once and Jensen took his sweet ass time giving him a call.

“Oh, yeah, I remember you. I was beginning to think you’d never call.” The voice on the other end of the line is smooth, a soft laugh breathing over the receiver. “I was starting to think I’d gotten the wrong impression the day we met.”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that, it was… complicated,” Jensen closes his eyes as he says this, feeling stupider by the minute and hoping his reluctance to call doesn’t make Justin back off. “I’ve finally called, though, hopefully that counts for something.”

“It definitely counts, don’t worry. I’m just glad you got up the nerve to call, doesn’t matter to me how long it took.” These words calm Jensen’s nerves somewhat and he finds himself relaxing gradually. “So, what do you say about having dinner with me? Would you be interested?”

A rush of excitement courses through Jensen but he does his best to answer casually. “Yeah, that would be really nice, I’d enjoy having dinner with you.”

“Great, how does Friday night sound? I could pick you up in front of the college at 7:30.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jensen replies with a smile in his voice. “So, I guess I’ll see you on Friday then.”

“You can count on it. Thanks for calling Jensen, I’m really glad you did.”

“I’m glad I did too,” Jensen admits shyly before telling Justin goodbye and ending the call.

Jensen finally allows the excitement he was trying to conceal to be shown and a smile breaks out on his face. Now that he has stopped fighting the attraction, stopped finding reasons why he shouldn’t go on a date with Justin, he realizes that this is something he really wants. He still isn’t sure if he is ready for another relationship so soon, but the idea of going on a date thrills him and gives him hope that maybe, just maybe he will be ready to give another relationship a try sooner than he thinks.

Pocketing his cell phone once more, Jensen heads back into the bar and stops by the bartender to order another beer before joining his friends again. Sophia looks at him expectantly the moment she catches sight of him, along with Chris and Mike. Reclaiming his seat, Jensen takes a swig of his beer and opts to keep his mouth shut, curious to see who will lose their patience first.

It only takes a few minutes for one of his friends to break, just like he expected, but what he hadn’t been expecting was _who_ broke first. “So?” Jared asks with a hint of impatience in his tone, eyes intense and unyielding as they practically challenge Jensen to look away.

Jensen eyes him warily, not sure he should answer Jared’s question or not, and more than a little disconcerted over the fact that _Jared_ asked him that question. It would have made more sense coming from Sophia, and Jensen would be a whole lot more comfortable had the question to come from her. He feels a little left of center and can’t help wondering why Jared even cares to hear the answer. From the looks their friends are giving Jared, Jensen can tell they are thinking the same thing.

“How’d the conversation go, was he happy to hear from you?” Chris asks, sending a look full of warning at Jared before smiling softly at Jensen.

“I have a dinner date on Friday,” Jensen confesses with a growing smile and watches as a pleased expression makes its way onto Sophia’s face.

“See, I knew you could do it, and I’ll bet you’ll have a wonderful time too. You really deserve this, Jen, I hope you realize that. You owe it to yourself to get out of that dorm room and have some fun for once.” Sophia, unable to control herself, pulls Jensen into a hug and squeals in his ear. He flinches at the high pitched sound right in his ear but he doesn’t move away. “Of course that means you’re gonna have to give me all the details afterwards!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re the first person I go to.” Jensen grins playfully as he says this. He’s being serious, he will go straight to her with any details, but she’ll probably be the only one. He isn’t the type to gush and gossip about things like this usually, but it is nice to have one person to talk to about such topics.

**:0Ж0:**

December 16th, 2000

“So, where is it you’re going?” Will asks from his bed, lying on his side with a magazine open beside him.

Jensen doesn’t even look over his shoulder as he scours his closet for something to wear. “I have a date tonight,” he says simply, pulling out a forest green button down, looking at it with scrutiny for a moment before putting it back.

“Oh, okay, that explains it then,” Will replies, voice laced with amusement and a hint of laughter.

Jensen frowns at this response and turns to face his roommate. “What do you mean by that?”

“You’ve had this giddy yet nervous expression on your face all day, you’re tearing your closet apart right now looking like you want to burn it down, you’ve been running around here like a chicken with its head chopped off, and there’s this gleam in your eyes. It’s pretty obvious that you have a date now that you’ve pointed it out to me.”

Jensen considers this for a moment before nodding his head in resignation; he is acting very much like a girl right now. “Yeah, I guess I am pretty pathetic, acting like a fuckin’ woman and all.” Jensen sighs and gives his clothes a long, suffering look.

“Not pathetic at all, even straight guys get nervous before a date Jensen, it’s completely normal,” Will reassures him as he moves to sit up, watching Jensen closely. “We’re pretty close in size. Do you need help figuring out what to wear? You could borrow something of mine if you’d like.”

Jensen isn’t all that close with his roommate, Will is barely around as it is, and they haven’t had much time to form any type of bond. They get along, no doubt about that, but they don’t know each other all that well. He’s not all that sure he wants him to help with finding something to wear for a date. Not that he thinks his roommate will find something hideous for him to wear, but the truth is that they don’t know one another well enough to start picking out clothes for each other; neither knows what kind of style the other one likes.

“No, that’s okay, I’m sure I’ll find something just fine on my own. Thanks for the offer though.” Jensen politely refuses, though an edge of wariness slips into his tone before he can stop it.

“Dude, I may not be gay, but I do know how to dress,” Will sounds slightly offended as he says this and Jensen wants to take back his words but his roommate continues talking before he can even open his mouth. “Just, let me have a look in my closet and see if there’s anything I can find. If you don’t like my suggestion you can go back to destroying your closet, but at least give me a chance.”

Figuring he has nothing to lose and quite possibly something to gain, Jensen nods his head in assent and takes a seat on his bed. Will seems satisfied as he bounds up from his bed and opens his closet, pushing hanger upon hanger aside as he glances at each article of clothing. Jensen explains the type of date he is going on when Will asks and a moment later his roommate pulls out a shirt and flings it at Jensen. He holds it up to inspect it only to find another shirt flying in his direction a second later.

The first shirt thrown at him is a grey button down while the next is long sleeved and plain white. Instantly thinking that his favorite pair of dark blue jeans will go nicely with the shirts, he rises from his bed once more and pulls said jeans from his closet. Will stands behind him, looking somewhat smug, and raises an eyebrow in silent question.

“Yes, these will work nicely, thanks for your help,” Jensen tells his roommate, knowing he will want to hear these words, though he isn’t sure the other man needs any more of an ego boost. The guy’s got a big head as it is, from what Jensen learned early on.

Will nods his head with a smirk, indicating that he already knew this, and then lies back down on his bed, paying Jensen no attention. Jensen just shakes his head, amused, and heads into the bathroom to change. He comes back out a moment later, changed and smelling of cologne, and sits down on his bed as he places his favorite black leather boots on his feet.

Checking one last time to make sure he isn’t forgetting anything, he places his wallet in his back pocket and tells Will he’ll see him later as he rushes out of the room. The walk to the front of the college is taken in strides and Jensen finds himself in the parking lot a moment later. Justin hasn’t arrived yet, not that Jensen expected him to, so he leans against a nearby tree and keeps his eyes on the parking lot entrance.

Ten minutes goes by, possibly more, before a Honda Civic pulls up along the curb where Jensen stands. Justin gives him a friendly smile when he bends down to look through the passenger seat window and motions for him to get in. Jensen smiles his own greeting, opening the door and sliding into the car.

“You look real nice tonight. I like that gray on you, it really brings attention to those incredible eyes of yours.”

Jensen blushes bashfully and whispers “Thanks,” as Justin puts the car in drive and pulls out of the parking lot. “You look pretty damn good yourself.”

“Thanks,” Justin flashes him a smile, all teeth and warmth like the last time he smiled at him. “So, I kind of made dinner at my place, I hope you don’t mind. If you don’t want to come to my house though, if it’ll make you feel uncomfortable, we can always find a restaurant.”

Jensen takes a moment to contemplate this. Does he really want to go to Justin’s house on their first date? After all, he hardly even knows the guy. But then again, he did make dinner for him. How much more romantic could he ask for than that? There is no way he could refuse and tell Justin to find them a restaurant. Well, he could, he’s sure Justin wouldn’t be offended, but the point is that Jensen doesn’t want to. He actually wants to have dinner at Justin’s; he is really flattered by the fact that the guy made dinner for him and a restaurant just could not compare to that.

“No, I don’t mind going to your house for dinner. I’d actually prefer it, even,” Jensen admits with a grin. “I find myself intrigued.”

“By what?” Justin asks, part curiosity and part confusion, glancing at Jensen for a second before returning his eyes to the road.

“Well, you had the gall to doubt my sandwich making skills, so I’m intrigued to find out if you’re a good cook or not,” Jensen replies, playful smile fixed firmly on his face as Justin laughs.

“Well, you’ll find out soon enough.” Justin replies with a wink and then a comfortable silence befalls the two men.

**:0Ж0:**

Before long they pull into the driveway of a cream and light brown colored two story house. Jensen follows Justin inside, standing awkwardly by the door as his date takes off his jacket, hangs it up on the coat wrack, and then proceeds to head into the kitchen. Jensen isn’t quite sure what he should do, feeling a little out of place in such a nice house and not all together comfortable since he has never been here before, so he just stands by the door, feeling like an idiot.

The place is almost meticulously clean and organized, not cluttered in the slightest bit, yet has a sense of homeliness to it that Jensen finds surprising. Despite the cozy atmosphere of Justin’s home, Jensen can’t seem to relax. Maybe it’s just his nerves messing with him, this being the first date he has been on since Jared. Doesn’t really matter what it is in the end, Jensen just wishes the awkwardness would dissipate.

Jensen isn’t sure how long he stands there when, from the kitchen, Justin suddenly sticks his head around the corner, watching him with amusement dancing in his eyes. He beckons him into the kitchen with a crook of his finger before disappearing once more behind the corner. Jensen silently makes his way into the kitchen and stops in the entryway, eyes sweeping over the room.

A red and white checkered tablecloth has been thrown over a round table, a single blood red rose set in the middle. A small stereo sits on the china cabinet, soft Latin music emanating from the speakers to set the mood just right. Justin stands by one of the chairs, pulling it out and motioning for Jensen to sit down. Hesitating for but a moment, Jensen takes a seat at the table and watches as Justin moves over to one of the counters.

He places a plate and a saucer in front of Jensen before repeating this action on the opposite side of the table. He then takes a seat himself, smiling softly at Jensen, almost shyly, which just seems uncharacteristic for a guy like Justin. Of course, Jensen can’t help finding it endearing.

“I hope you like pasta,” Justin breaks the silence, looking nervous for the first time and Jensen is just grateful that he isn’t the only one feeling that way.

Glancing down at the food, he finds a plate full of spaghetti marinara and some garlic bread on the saucer. The dinner Justin has prepared looks delicious and reminds Jensen of the meals served at fancy restaurants. Stabbing his fork into the pasta, Jensen’s eyes widen as delectable flavor slides over his tongue. The food is as delightful as it appears and Jensen quickly tells Justin as much.

Justin smiles at the praise, giving a soft thank you as he fills two glasses with some vintage wine. Jensen watches him with something akin to awe. No one has ever made a dinner with such wonderful food just for him before and he can’t help feeling a little overwhelmed. Justin hands him one of the glasses, eyes filled with warmth as they lock with Jensen’s.

“So, you know where I work, what do you do for a living?” Jensen asks, grasping at the first topic he can think of to start a conversation.

Justin smiles, full of mischief and humor. “I’m a chef at Stefano’s.”

Jensen laughs softly, smile more like a grin, and nods his head. “That actually makes a lot of sense. I mean, your cooking skills are amazing so it shouldn’t surprise me that you do it for a living.”

“Yeah, I really enjoyed cooking when I was younger, always eager to learn how to fix new recipes. I learned pretty early in my life what I wanted to do for a living, held fast to that dream and went to college for culinary arts. Now, here I am, doing what I love and I have a pretty good life, if I do say so myself.”

Jensen can’t help but smile as Justin regales him with his tale; he can tell how much he loves cooking just by the way he talks about it and from the look he gets in his eyes. “That’s great, I’m happy for you. I’d like to have that one day, only, you know, with my dream.”

“What are you going to college for?” Justin asks, appearing to be genuinely interested.

“Human Relations,” Jensen replies with a proud smile. “I want to make a difference.”

“I have no doubt that you will, you have the passion for it, I can tell. With that kind of passion, you can make things happen,” Justin replies and Jensen draws reassurance from his words. “So, how old are you, exactly?”

“I’ll be twenty-two in March, what about you?” Jensen questions as Justin takes their plates and puts them in the sink. He hadn’t even realized he had eaten so fast, usually he is a slow eater. _It was good food_ , he tells himself.

“Damn, I feel old when compared to you,” Justin laughs as he returns to the table, standing beside it. “I’m thirty-five, fourteen years older than you.”

“That’s not too big of a difference. Besides, you’re looking good for your age,” Jensen says, blushing even as the words tumble past his lips.

Justin’s lips quirk up into a smile as he holds out a hand for Jensen to take, which he does almost right away. “I’m glad you think so,” Justin practically purrs as he helps Jensen to his feet. “Would you like to watch a movie in the living room?”

Jensen merely nods, unsure he would be able to speak even if he wanted to, and follows the older man out of the kitchen. They both decide on a comedy, which Justin pops in almost immediately, and then they take a seat on the beige couch placed in direct line of the television. Jensen gets comfortable next to Justin, aware of the man’s body heat, and finds butterflies fluttering around in his stomach.

**:0Ж0:**

“I had a really great time tonight, I hope you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed yours,” Justin says, soft smile on his face as he walks Jensen to the door.

Jensen turns to face the older man, nodding his head in answer. “I had a wonderful time, I’m glad we finally did this.”

Justin is silent for a moment, appearing to be contemplating something, and then he locks unsure eyes with Jensen’s curious green ones. “Jensen…”

“Yeah,” Jensen prods, raising an eyebrow while the right corner of his lips rise slightly.

“Can I kiss you?” Justin breathes, eyes intense and lips suddenly so near.

Without words, Jensen answers by grasping the back of Justin’s neck and pulling him in until their lips meet. Feeling a slick tongue running the length of his bottom lip, Jensen opens his mouth and welcomes the older man inside. Tongues meet seconds later, tangling and sliding wetly along one another, running over palate and teeth. Jensen, emboldened, draws Justin’s lower lip into his mouth and nibbles on it gently, drawing a quiet moan from the gorgeous man.

Justin pulls away abruptly when the kiss becomes impassioned and holds potential for more. He looks regretful when he locks eyes with Jensen, but Jensen can also tell he is trying to do the right thing by stopping this before it can go any further. This small action makes him respect the older man more than he already does because most guys would have just gone with the flow and said screw the consequences.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Justin asks, looking as though this is the last thing he wants to do but is willing to do it all the same if that is what Jensen wants.

Surprisingly enough, Jensen can’t say that _is_ what he wants, which just about shocks the hell out of him. Vaguely feeling as though he is making a mistake, but ignoring his internal warning, Jensen replies, “No, I don’t want you to take me home right now.”

Justin grins brightly, nodding his head, and taking a hold of Jensen’s hand. The look on his face and in his eyes is sultry as he leads Jensen upstairs and straight to the bedroom.


	16. Learning to Live Again

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Fifteen:**  
 _Learning to Live Again_  
-~*~-

Stumbling into the bathroom, Jensen grips onto the sink and looks at his reflection in the mirror, feeling as though he doesn’t recognize the person staring back at him. His mind takes him back to three nights ago, like it has been doing so often, and once again he questions himself almost furiously. _What the hell were you thinking?_ he screams at himself over and over in silence but it doesn’t help.

He just cannot believe his own actions, doesn’t understand where his head was at that night. He isn’t the type of person who does things like that. He doesn’t sleep with someone unless there are feelings involved. He isn’t even going to try to kid himself or come up with any excuses, he knows he doesn’t love Justin. That is what bothers him so much. He doesn’t even remotely love the guy and he slept with him on their first date. The word ‘slut’ keeps repeating in his mind and, as much as he hates it, he believes that word fits him quite perfectly.

He hasn’t seen any of his friends in the past three days, has done his best to avoid them. He knows Sophia is looking for details about how his date went and he really wants to avoid that conversation as long as he possibly can. He can’t lie to her, never has been able to, and he knows he will tell her eventually… he just doesn’t want that to be any time soon. He is just all around ashamed of himself for jumping into bed with the first guy that showed any kind of interest in him after Jared. 

_Were you really that desperate?_ He berates himself in his mind, belittling himself more and more. _Sure, Justin is attractive and a total sweetheart, but that doesn’t mean you had to sleep with him like some whore!_

Turning on the tap, he splashes his face with water and does his best to banish all thoughts from his mind. He has to be at work in thirty minutes and figures that will serve as distraction enough from the unwanted thoughts that have been torturing him endlessly. He briefly wonders if he is being just a tad hard on himself, but then he reminds himself of the fact that it was their first date and the self loathing begins all over again.

Releasing a heavy sigh, he reaches blindly for the hand towel and dries his face off. Changing into his work clothes, he exits the bathroom and snatches his keys up from where he tossed them when he first entered the room. Checking he has his wallet, he leaves the room, making sure to lock up, and walks the short distance it takes to get to work.

The sun is shining brightly, occasionally hiding behind fluffy white clouds, and it isn’t as cold today as it has been recently. All in all it is a beautiful day, but Jensen can’t truly appreciate it at the moment. His mood is troubled and sour and all he can feel at the moment is downhearted and ashamed of himself.

_Skin against skin… sweet friction causing exquisite pleasure… moans filling the silence around the two men… slick fingers…. something much more gratifying filling him… a long expanse of neck just tantalizing inches from his lips… salt bursting on his tongue as he laps at soft skin… hands sliding down a slick back and squeezing a handful of solid flesh… tingles crawling up his spine… burst of white exploding behind his eyes as a pleasure filled cry is drawn from his lips…_

Jensen snaps out of the memories and wants to scream aloud, briefly contemplating banging his head against the nearest wall. He also wants to laugh hysterically at the situation he has found himself in. _Now wouldn’t that be a sight, bet people would think I was insane for sure then_ , he muses to himself, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. It seems as though he goes from one bad situation to the next. He just can’t be happy. That is how it feels to him, at least.

The walk to work is a short one and he enters the small café with hunched shoulders and an expression on his face that tells people to stay away from him. Evan and Danneel are standing behind the counter, each watching him warily. Danneel’s expression is one of concern while Evan just looks curious. Jensen ignores them for the moment, heading into the back room to drop off his stuff.

Danneel grasps his arm the moment he joins them behind the counter, trying to gauge the problem by assessing him with her eyes. She frowns, however, a moment later, obviously unable to understand what is wrong. He gives her a look that clearly says he doesn’t want to talk about it right now and steps up to the register to help one of the customers. He can feel a pair of eyes on his back but he does his best to pay them little attention.

Clearing his mind of all thoughts, he focuses on engrossing himself in work and gives his first customer of the day a smile, or at least something looking vaguely like one.

**:0Ж0:**

“I’m heading outta here now, but don’t think I haven’t noticed how you have either been sulking all shift or looking like you’re gonna bite someone’s head off. We are going to sit down and have ourselves a little chat before I leave and I don’t want to hear any complaints, ya got it!” Danneel says in that ‘no bullshit’ tone of hers as she grabs his bicep and steers him toward a table.

Jensen knows that arguing with her when she gets like this is pointless, so he allows her to force him into a chair and doesn’t say a word. He really doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t want anyone to know about the level of stupidity he has stooped to, but he sees no way out of this either. He figured someone would drag it out of him eventually but he didn’t think that person would be Danneel. If anyone, Jensen figured it would be Sophia.

He groans aloud, unable to keep it in, when his friends take a seat at the table. Sophia frowns at him, forehead creased in confusion, tweezed eyebrow quirked, but doesn’t say anything, surprisingly. Jared just looks kind of uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and looking around at the occupants of the table. _I’m in the same position man_ , Jensen silently tells him, pitying himself.

Jensen almost laughs, self-deprecatingly at the irony of it all, because for all the times Sophia could have shown up, she picks _this_ moment. He can’t help but wonder if fate, or God, or who-the-fuck-ever, is working against him because he really doesn’t want to have this conversation now. Not that he was all that thrilled about it before, but it is going to be _really_ awkward now.

“So, how’s it going guys?” Sophia asks, looking between Jensen and Danneel. “You’re sure a hard one to get a hold of these days, Jen. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were avoiding me.”

The soft reprimand in her tone doesn’t go unnoticed and he has the decency to give her an apologetic smile but he doesn’t reply, not sure what he would say anyway, since he _was_ avoiding her. He feels bad about doing it, of course, but he knew she would start asking questions the moment she saw him. She doesn’t seem to be too upset about it though, so he figures it is best not to worry himself over it at the moment.

“We were just getting ready to have a little conversation about why Jensen has been acting weird ever since he got here.” Danneel answers Sophia’s early question, keeping her eyes on Jensen though.

“What do you mean?” Sophia asks, looking at Jensen in concern. “What’s going on, Jen?”

“One minute he’s sulking and the next he looks like he’s gonna bite someone’s head off. He’s been behaving strangely and I can’t deny that it worries me,” Danneel answers before turning to Jensen once more. “So, Jensen, why don’t you just get it over with and tell us what’s going on?”

All Jensen does at first is release a sigh and stare at the floor, wishing it would open up and swallow him whole. Right now he would be thankful for anything so long as it served as a distraction from this particular conversation. Hell, his parents could walk through that door and he’d be grateful. _Well, no, I think that’s taking it too far_ , he reasons with himself, inwardly shuddering at the thought of seeing his parents.

Just about anything, besides an unexpected visit from his parents, would be welcomed though. If he could figure out how, he would deflect away from the topic at hand. Turn the tables on them, bring up something they couldn’t help but gossip or gush about. None of his friends are going through anything at the moment that they would want to talk endlessly about though, so he knows he is trapped.

“I know that expression, you’re trying to find a way to change the subject,” Sophia accuses, giving him a disapproving look. “You might as well admit defeat, Jen, you’re not getting out of this. So, speak up already, tell us what’s going on.”

Jensen sighs once more, giving them a suffering look, though he knows they aren’t going to let him go without talking about this. That is what he gets for having great friends, though. They want to help him when they see that he is upset, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to talk about it. Usually he would be grateful for having caring friends, by being surrounded by people that actually care about him. But, right now, however, all he wants to do is scream and tell them to leave him alone.

He can’t do that, though. He knows they are just trying to help, and he could never be mean to them like that. If their roles were reversed, he knows he would be the one trying to get them to talk. So, really, he can’t be too upset with them.

“I went on that date with Justin, on Friday night,” Jensen says, starting the conversation with some reluctance.

Sophia’s eyes light up at the mentioning of his date and he almost lets out a laugh devoid of all humor. “I’ve been meaning to ask you how that went,” she says with giddiness in her voice that Jensen can’t reciprocate.

“Wait a minute, who’s Justin?” Danneel asks, looking confused yet curious.

“Justin’s this guy Jensen met weeks ago, he was one of his customers,” Sophia answers for Jensen and by how excited she sounds she’s acting like it was her date rather than his. “Long story short, they got along real well, Jensen finally got up the nerve to call the guy and then they made plans for a date.”

“Don’t keep all the details to yourself boy, tells us how it went,” Danneel says, sounding excited now, herself.

“He made me dinner at his place and then we watched a movie.” Jensen sighs and, for the second time in the last five minutes, wishes the floor would open up and swallow him.

“Oh my God, that is so sweet and it sounds romantic.” Sophia practically squeals, looking as though she is two seconds away from bouncing in her seat.

“This guy sounds like a total romantic, so why the hell do you look like your dog just died?” Danneel asks him incredulously, looking at him like he has suddenly grown a second head.

“Because… uh, well…” Jensen trails off, finding it hard to say the words as a lump forms in his throat. Groaning in frustration, he decides to just blurt the words out, voice colored with shame and defeat. “I slept with him, alright?”

“What?” Jared exclaims in shock, speaking for the first time, mouth agape and his eyes wide.

Sophia, on the other hand, looks like she just won the lottery. Her body is practically vibrating with poorly concealed joy, reminding Jensen of a volcano about to erupt. Danneel is smirking in that way of hers, looking like a cat with the canary.

“Okay, I know this makes me a giant pervert, but I want details!” Sophia tells him with a wide grin and Jensen just gives her a look of disbelief. “Nothing graphic,” she quickly explains, “but I want to know how it was. Was he good in bed?”

“I am so not talking about that with you, much less _anyone_ for that matter!” Jensen replies firmly, looking disturbed and embarrassed at the same time.

“Wow, you slut!” Danneel says while giving him an impish expression, full of smugness and, dare he say, pride.

Jensen covers his face with his palms and shakes his head with a groan, mumbling into his hands, “I know, and that’s the problem.”

“You got laid, Jen…” Sophia says and pauses, like she is giving not just him the time to comprehend and contemplate the gravity of her words but herself as well. She then gives him a confused expression, though a hint of a filthy smile hides just beneath the surface. “I’m not seeing the problem.”

“I’m not the type of person that does things like this!” Jensen exclaims, voice raising a notch as he pokes himself in the chest with his fingers. He looks at his friends like they aren’t getting something very vital while at the same time looking panicked and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“Okay, we hear ya, calm down, Jen.” Danneel tries to ease the oncoming hysteria by talking to him in a soothing tone - it doesn’t work.

“I don’t sleep with people on the first date, that just isn’t who I am. I’ve never done anything like this before in my life.” Jensen feels like crying, he is so frustrated. He won’t, of course, but this ‘mistake’ is really affecting him. “I don’t just sleep with anyone, when I have sex it _means_ something and there are emotions involved! I don’t do one night stands…”

“That’s good to hear.” Jensen hears from behind him and his eyes widen comically, breath catching in his throat. Slowly, he turns in his chair to find Justin standing there with a warm yet amused smile on his face. “The way I see it, we’re on the same page, ‘cause what we shared certainly wasn’t a one night deal for me. You see, I was hoping you’d be interested in going on another date with me.”

Jensen can’t seem to find his voice at the moment, shock and embarrassment rendering him speechless. The last thing he had been expecting was for Justin to be standing behind him, to overhear _those_ words. The fact that Justin wants to go on another date, that he hadn’t thought of their night together as a one night stand, reassures him considerably. Jensen still isn’t proud of sleeping with him so soon, but knowing Justin still wants to see him makes him feel a little better about the whole thing.

From his peripheral vision he can see Jared openly glaring at Justin, lips set in a firm line and distaste clear in his very posture. This makes Jensen frown in confusion and a touch of anger. What right does he have to be rude to Justin? Jensen isn’t blind, he can see jealousy on Jared’s face. But he doesn’t think Jared has the right to be jealous, and the fact that he is pisses Jensen off. Jared left him, not the other way around. He was the one who didn’t want Jensen anymore. But at the first sign of someone else wanting him, the first sign of someone possibly sticking around for a relationship, jealousy rears its ugly head.

Jensen raises his head to meet Justin’s gaze once more, smiling shyly. “You really want to see me again?”

“I showed up here today, didn’t I?” Justin responds with a sincere yet playful smile. “Of course I want to see you again, how could I not?”

Jensen bites down on his bottom lip, considering this for a moment. Warmth spreads throughout his body as he rolls Justin’s words around in his head. _This guy really is sweet, hard to believe he’s even real_ , he thinks to himself in amazement.

“I thought we had a good time on our date and I enjoy talking to you. You’re a great person Jensen, I like you a lot, and I’d like to see where this goes. If it doesn’t go anywhere, then fine, but I’d like to at least give it a shot. What about you?”

A smile slowly forms on Jensen’s face as he contemplates the idea. “Yeah, another date sounds nice. What day did you have in mind?”

Jared meets his eyes at this moment, looking as though he has been punched in the gut. Jensen just looks at him blankly before turning away, unwilling to bother himself with the shaggy haired man right now. Jared’s jealous, that’s fine, but it isn’t his problem either.

“I hadn’t really decided, figured we could come up with a day together. That’s why I’m here though, I was wondering if you had time to talk,” Justin says, looking at him hopefully.

“I’d love to, but here’s the problem…” Jensen begins to say, reluctant and disappointed.

“This café is no place to talk if privacy is what you’re lookin’ for,” Danneel interrupts, looking at Jensen with a sly smile and a gleam in her eyes. “Why don’t you guys head out for a while, go somewhere less crowded.”

“But I still have my shift to finish, I’ve got a few hours to go.” Jensen reminds her and gives Justin an apologetic expression.

“You’ve covered for me before, I’m just returning the favor. Now, get outta here and have a nice long talk,” Danneel replies, voice resolute as she smacks him on the arm and motions for him to leave.

Offering her a grateful smile, he rises from his seat, tells his friends a brief goodbye, and tries not to dwell on the crushed expression he saw on Jared’s face as he follows Justin out of the building.

Jensen heads toward the familiar Honda Civic parked in the lot but stops when a hand grabs his wrist. He questions Justin with his eyes and smiles when the older man proposes that they take a walk. Nodding his head, the two men fall in step with one another as they make their way down the sidewalk. Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to start this conversation so he opts to stay quiet.

A companionable silence befalls them, one Jensen finds to be relaxing and comfortable. He hasn’t known Justin for long but he enjoys the man’s company and finds his presence a welcomed addition to his life. Even if they weren’t interested in dating each other, Jensen would still want Justin to be a part of his life, would like to have his friendship. The guy is easy to be around, sensible and down to earth, has a great sense of humor and is an all around joy to talk to. How could he not find that appealing in any sense?

What he finds hard to believe is that a guy like Justin wants him around, wants to see where dating would take them.

“I meant what I said,” Justin suddenly breaks the silence between them, startling Jensen in the process. “I really do like you, a lot, and I’d really like to see if there could be something between us. But… I dunno, I just got this feeling back in the café… and it wasn‘t just today either.”

“What do you mean?” Jensen asks in confusion.

“You seem kind of guarded, like you’ve been hurt not too long ago. I can tell that you like me, I know you’re trying, but there are times it seems like you’re fighting this, you’re reluctant to see this through and give it a shot because that would mean you‘d have to open yourself up to it.” Justin explains the best he can, looking at Jensen solemnly. Though, what he is solemn about, the fact that Jensen’s afraid or that someone hurt him, Jensen isn’t sure.

“And that guy, back there at the café, I wasn’t blind to the glare he was giving me. I could tell he didn’t want me there, wasn’t happy I was there to see _you_. I don’t know if it’s because he has a thing for you or if there’s history between you, but there are definite feelings there.”

Releasing a sigh, Jensen stops walking and turns to face Justin. “Jared’s my ex-boyfriend, we broke up almost three months ago. I’m not gonna get into it and tell you why, but that is over between us and we’re just friends now.”

“Are you sure he knows that?” Justin asks carefully. “Seemed to me like he still has feelings for you.”

“He broke up with me and he isn’t coming back. His reasons for leaving me would keep him from coming back to me even if he wanted to. Besides, I wouldn’t take him back even if he wanted me. He hurt me pretty bad, and it’s taken me a while to get over it. I’m not putting myself in that position again, I refuse!” Jensen tells him firmly.

“You can honestly say you wouldn’t take him back if he came back begging and pleading on his knees?” Justin asks incredulously. “I may not know you very well at all but I’d have to be an idiot not to see how much you care about him.”

“I care about him, of course I do, and I always will. But, Jared isn’t going to change and I’m not gonna fool myself into thinking there’s a chance that he will. He will always hurt me in the end, no matter how great a relationship might sound at first, and I won’t let him do that again. I wouldn’t survive it a second time and I’ll do whatever it takes to protect myself from that.” Jensen’s voice becomes practically a whisper by the time he’s finished speaking.

“You might have yourself convinced right now but a person in love does crazy things, you’ll never truly know if you’ll take him back or not until that particular day comes,” Justin responds, still not believing Jensen and he realizes nothing he says can reassure him. “I know that isn’t what you want to hear but it’s the truth.”

“I can’t make you believe me when I say I’m going back to Jared, I’m not even gonna try anymore, but I know that I won’t and I‘m secure enough to know it’s the truth,” Jensen speaks quietly. “Look, I can understand if you’re reluctant to date me now, I’d be hesitant too if I were in your position. We could just stay friends if you want, I wouldn‘t blame you if you did.”

Justin lowers his head, releasing a soft sigh, and steps closer. “No, that isn’t what I want, couldn’t be the farthest thing from what I want, in fact,” His voice is quiet as he rests a hand on the side of Jensen’s neck and looks him in the eyes. “But I’m just not entirely sure you’re ready to be dating again.”

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and I won’t deny being afraid of opening my heart to someone again, but I _know_ I’d regret it if I didn’t give this a try. The real question here is, are you willing to give this a try knowing how tough it may be at times?”

Justin’s eyes sweep over Jensen’s every feature a moment as a soft smile full of warmth pulls at his lips, turning them upward. “I’m more than willing Jensen, that hasn’t changed, I just wanted to be certain that you were ready,” he replies sincerely, eyes locked with Jensen’s.

Jensen nods his head slowly, feeling relief rush through him. He is still a little hesitant about the whole thing, which is to be expected, but he didn’t want this to end before it even had the chance to begin. He might be scared, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t want to see where this will lead. Justin is a good person, Jensen enjoys being with him, and he just may be the person who can find the way to his heart. 

“You know, I could tell from the moment I saw you that you were special, and as I have gotten to know you I’ve realized just how amazing you really are. I could easily get attached to you, Jensen. I don’t mean to say that to scare you, I just wanted you to know how great you are because something tells me you don’t see it,” Justin’s breath ghosts over his lips and his eyes flutter closed of their own accord, practically drinking in every word. “Once you’d captured my attention you managed to keep it; not many people have been able to do that. You make me laugh and I enjoy spending time with you. Just from our few conversations I can tell you have a big heart, you’re passionate and loyal to a fault. I’d be crazy not to want you in my life, in any way, shape or form.”

Jensen looks back at him in a mixture of astonishment and fondness, beyond touched by those soft spoken words, tears actually filling his eyes. “You really mean all that?” Jensen whispers, as though he is afraid to believe Justin could be speaking truthfully, like someone believing so highly and kindly of him is unbelievable.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it,” Justin whispers back. “You need to give me the names of the people who made you have such low self-esteem so I can kick their asses.”

Jensen laughs softly at this, giving Justin a radiant smile and looking at him as though he is just seeing him for the first time. “Thanks, no one’s ever had such nice things to say about me before, I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment.”

“Well, it’d be in your best interest to get used to it ‘cause I’m sure I’ll be telling you as often as I can.” Justin smiles as well, breathtaking and full of sunshine.

A gasp of surprise escapes Jensen’s lips when Justin’s mouth suddenly descends down onto his own, right there on the sidewalk for anyone to see. Jensen is so used to his boyfriends being afraid of pubic displays of affection that he finds himself stunned, unable to drag himself out of the daze he is in and reciprocate. His little gasp gave Justin the chance to deepen the kiss though, and the moment he feels a tongue caressing his own he snaps back to awareness and does his best to give as good as he is receiving.

Sliding his fingers through the short hair at the back of Justin’s head, he tangles his tongue with the older man’s, exploring every crevice and the inside of his cheeks. Justin pulls his bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth, biting down on it and then swiping his tongue over it to ease the sting. Jensen feels lightheaded and weightless as Justin continues to devour his mouth, making his body tingle and stealing his breath.

He has to pull out of the kiss far sooner than he would have liked when air becomes an issue, panting hard like he just ran the hundred mile dash. Justin smiles at him around his own pants of breath and Jensen finds it contagious, smile lifting his lips instantly. His smile grows wider when Justin takes his hand, holding it tightly, and motions for them to resume their walk.

Jensen just can’t believe this is happening to him, someone actually doesn’t mind holding his hand and kissing him in public. He likes it, a lot, and could easily get used to this kind of treatment. It all seems so surreal but he has been aching for this kind of affection for so long that he finds himself grasping at it with both hands. And, for the first time, he genuinely hopes this goes somewhere because Justin is sweet and totally secure and Jensen’s a little afraid he will never find someone like him again.

**:0Ж0:**

December 23rd, 2000

Jensen steps out of the taxi, paying his fare, and then walks up the driveway and knocks on the door. Shifting from one foot to the other, he waits a minute before knocking his fist against the smooth white wood once more. Seconds later he hears grumbling from the other side about ‘impatient fuckheads’ and can’t help the smile that crosses his face, shaking his head in amusement.

Jensen is met with Chris’ glare the moment the door flies open and his smile just widens. Patting his friend on the arm, he slips into the house and heads into the living room where he is sure Steve can be found. Chris grumbles behind him, something about ‘putting up with good for nothing friends’ but Jensen ignores him. He knows how Chris can get when he is in a mood, he doesn’t take any offense to anything Chris says when he gets like this.

Jensen’s stride stutters before ceasing completely when he finds Jared sitting on the recliner watching TV with Steve. He hadn’t been expecting to see him here, thought he’d be in Texas long before now, visiting his family for Christmas. Things have been tense and awkward ever since he started seeing Justin so he has been doing his best to avoid his ex at all costs. Nevertheless, he is here now and he can’t exactly turn around and leave. He wouldn’t want to anyway; he refuses to let this awkward tension drive him away from his friends.

Taking a deep breath and gathering his nerve, he steps into the living room and smiles happily at Steve. His friend grins as well as he rises from his seat on the couch and pulls him in for a hug. Jensen embraces him back, grinning from ear to ear, before pulling back and flopping down on the last available chair. He manages to greet Jared with a tight smile, hoping it doesn’t look as false as it feels, and Jared gives a small smile in return.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you,” Jensen says, part curious to know why he is still in California and part just to start a civil conversation. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be with your family by now?”

Jared sighs, looking disappointed and sad. “I didn’t have the money for a plane or bus ticket this year so I’m stuck in Cali for Christmas,” he explains with that crestfallen expression on his face that Jensen has always hated to see. “My mom said they all understood, but I’m not accepting it so easily. This will be the first Christmas spent without my family.”

“I’m really sorry Jared, I know how tough it can be,” Jensen replies sincerely, feeling honest remorse for the shaggy haired man. Things may be odd and strained between them right now but he doesn’t hate the guy and knows how much his family means to him, not being able to spend such an important holiday with them must be killing him.

“Yeah, I know you do,” he responds, eyes growing more somber as he thinks about Jensen’s situation.

Jensen becomes increasingly uncomfortable at where this conversation is headed and is more than grateful when Chris enters the room and drops down onto the couch beside his boyfriend, demanding Jensen’s attention. Even though a whole year and some odd months have passed he still finds it difficult to talk about his family. That particular topic still manages to put him in a depressed state and bring tears to his eyes. He doubts it will ever stop hurting but he has to hope that one day he will be able to talk about them without breaking apart inside.

Chris leans back against the couch, kicking sock clad feet up onto the coffee table and grinning in amusement when Steve yells at him for it. Jensen just shakes his head, laughing silently. He can always count on Steve and Chris to entertain him. Annoyed when Chris ignores his demand, Steve pushes his boyfriend’s feet off the table and hides a grin when Chris flounders for a moment.

Chris glares at his boyfriend for a second, whom is pre-occupying himself with turning on the television, and then leans his elbows on his knees, focus solely on Jensen. “So, Jenny Bean, how did the second date go with Prince Charming?”

Jensen glares at his friend for the hated nickname. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?” he asks in annoyance. “And don’t make fun of him either, he’s actually a nice guy.”

“Wasn’t making fun, son,” Chris smirks. “Interesting how you’re quick to defend him though, you must really like this guy.”

Jensen blushes and has to force himself not to look away. “He took me out to eat and, yes, I had a good time. That’s all I’m telling you though, so don’t pressure me for more information.” Jensen deliberately withholds the fact that it was the restaurant Justin works at and it was after hours and they had the whole restaurant to themselves. It was romantic and incredible and Chris would just find some way to make fun of it, so Jensen keeps it to himself.

Chris just smiles that smile that says he thinks he knows everything and then turns his attention to the television. Jensen simply continues to watch him for a moment before deciding it is pointless trying to understand where his friend’s head is at and slouches down into a more comfortable position.

Some new video has come on and Jensen’s head snaps up when he hears the first few words of the first verse. He has heard this song before, but he never really paid close attention to the words. For some strange reason though, the words have captured his attention this time and as he listens to them he finds himself thinking of one person and one person alone.

  
**And I’d give up forever to touch you**   
** ‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow **   
** You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be **   
** And I don’t want to go home right now **   
** And all I can taste is this moment **   
** And all I can breathe is your life **   
** ‘Cause sooner or later it’s over **   
** I just don’t want to miss you tonight **   


Jensen chances a glance in Jared’s direction and finds him listening intently to the song as well, seemingly captivated. _Could he possibly be thinking the same thing as I am?_ he silently questions as he listens to the song and watches the expressions crossing Jared’s face. He doesn’t want to believe that Jared has the same thought in mind, yet a part of him desperately needs to hope that he does. Conflicting emotions that do what they were created to do, and that is drive Jensen insane.

He had hoped that he was on the path to moving on from Jared, and possibly giving a larger part of his heart to Justin in the future if all went according to plan, but the first time he hears a love song the first person that comes to mind is Jared. _Damnit!_ Jensen screams in his mind, frustration and a deep seated pain being brought forth. ‘And I‘d give up forever to touch you, ’cause I know that you feel me somehow’, those were the lyrics that caught his attention and immediately made him think of the shaggy haired man sitting across from him.

He briefly entertains the idea of hating that line forever, but knows he could never hate those words no matter how hard he tried, just like he now knows he isn’t completely over Jared. He may be happy with where things are going with Justin, but he can’t seem to banish Jared from his thoughts and heart as easily as he had hoped he could. Right at this moment, if just in his mind, he can admit that he misses Jared. Moving on with his life is hard as hell and he isn’t dealing as well as he would like everyone to think; he has even managed to fool himself.

He is dating Justin now though, and he refuses to hurt the older man. He meant what he said to him a week ago, he really does like him and wants to see where this thing between them is headed. He just realizes, now, how much time and effort it will take getting over Jared and fully opening his heart again.

  
**And I don’t want the world to see me**   
** ‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand **   
** When everything’s made to be broken **   
** I just want you to know who I am **   


Jared turns his head away from the television, reminiscent and contemplative expression wiped away to be replaced by another one all together. Jared’s eyes bore into Jensen’s, shining the same expression that his face wears, and Jensen can instantly put a name to those emotions; longing and regret. This is the last thing he wants to see, doesn’t want those emotions directed at him, can’t handle it now. When they first broke up this was all he had desperately ached to see, but right now is the worst possible timing.

Unable to deal with the implications of the emotions on Jared’s face, Jensen rises from his seat, makes his excuses quickly, and then rushes from the house. He just cannot handle this right now, is unprepared, and the emotions crashing through him are unbearable. Being in Jared’s presence right now is practically tearing him apart.

“Jensen, we need to talk, don’t run away from this, please.” Jared’s voice is desperate as he grasps Jensen’s arm and stops him before he can get to the end of the driveway.

“No, I can’t talk about this, I don’t want to.” Jensen protests, feeling on the edge of a panic attack or a nervous breakdown.

“I know you were just as affected as I was back there, you can’t deny that, your eyes told me everything I needed to know,” Jared says, turning Jensen to face him and holding on to both of his biceps so he can’t get away. “I know you miss me too, Jen.”

“No, Jared, you don’t get to do this. _You_ left _me_. You didn’t want me anymore, you were too much of a damn coward to be yourself and I got hurt because of it. You don’t get to have this conversation now that you realize you fucked up, you don’t deserve for me to listen to you now. By the way, you have lousy timing,” Jensen rants, face red with emotion and jaw clenching in anger. “So, no, we’re not having this conversation and I don’t care how much you beg and plead. You’re too late!”

Wrenching Jared’s hands off of him, he turns on his heel and storms off. He ignores Jared’s pleads and screams for him to come back, just like he pretends those wet streaks running the length of his face aren’t tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Iris - by Goo Goo Dolls


	17. When All is Said and Done

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Sixteen:**  
 _When All is Said and Done_  
-~*~-

Emotionally and physically exhausted, Jensen thrusts his key into the lock and a moment later has the door to his room opened. He greets Will with a weak smile but offers him no words, not in any kind of mood for conversation anyway. Will greets him in a similar fashion and then returns to putting a change of clothes into his duffel. Jensen doesn’t have to ask his roommate where he is going, he already knows. Will hardly ever sleeps in their room, opting to stay with his girlfriend most nights. Jensen doesn’t know why the other man doesn’t just move in with her, he practically lives with her as it is, but he keeps this to himself. It is none of his business, after all.

Jensen practically drags his body over to his bed and lowers himself down with a sigh, rubbing at his eyes tiredly, contacts starting to irritate them after the tears that were shed. He had thought he was done crying over Jared, didn’t think there was a tear left for the shaggy haired man, but obviously he had been mistaken. He can’t deny the feelings he still harbors for the hazel eyed cutie, knows they have never really gone away, but he had hoped he was beyond the point of still crying over him.

There have been times that he misses the other man so bad that he feels like he might break apart at the seams. He has accepted the fact that what they had is a thing of the past, and most days the heartache, which is always just beneath the surface, is manageable. But then there are his off days where he feels like he can’t breathe. He doesn’t want to miss Jared anymore though, he just wants the pain to end and that feeling like something’s missing to disappear. Most of all, he wants to be able to think about Jared without feeling like he’s dying inside.

Jared made it very clear that he still loves him, possibly misses him just as much as Jensen misses the giant puppy. Part of him wonders what Jared would have said had he stayed long enough for the guy to speak his mind, but another part is glad he left when he did. Okay, so Jared might want him back, but that doesn’t change a thing. Even if Jensen wanted to take Jared back, he can’t say with absolute certainty that he could find it in himself to trust him again. In the back of his mind he’d constantly be wondering if Jared would freak out and abandon him again. He doesn’t want to live his life like that, worried all the time that it will all fall apart.

No, if they were going to try again Jared would have to step out of that proverbial closet. Jared would need to hold his hand in public, acknowledge that they are in a relationship, and Jensen would like to meet his family one day. Jensen would need Jared to make some sacrifices because he isn’t sure he could trust the other man otherwise, but he highly doubts Jared would be willing to do that. Jared is sitting quite comfortably in that closet and it doesn’t seem likely that he will be coming out any time soon.

Besides, Jensen has Justin to consider. He recently told the older man that he wouldn’t take Jared back even if there was a chance that Jared might want him, told him that he wanted to give a relationship between them a shot, reassured him. Justin has been so good to him, so patient and understanding, and Jensen truly enjoys spending time with him. He can’t hurt him now, hates the very idea of the disappointment that would be on his face if Jensen were to break up with him.

_Justin is good for me and he makes me happy; he could be the real deal one day so I can’t screw it up now_ , he tells himself firmly, silently afraid that his willpower to reject Jared might not be as strong as he hopes it to be.

Jensen pulls himself out of his thoughts long enough to respond when Will tells him that he will see him later, and then he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket. He is going crazy with all these thoughts running through his head and right now he needs someone to talk to. The obvious choice is Mackenzie; she has always had been gifted when it comes to listening and giving advice.

“Mackenzie,” he says the moment he hears the ringing stop, before his sister even has a chance to get a word out.

“Jen, what’s wrong?” she asks immediately, automatically hearing the distress in his voice.

“I just really needed someone to talk to and you know I always come to you first.”

There is a smile in her voice as she says, “Yeah, how did I ever get so lucky. But seriously, you don’t sound so good, is everything okay?”

“Uh, no… no, I don’t think so,” Jensen responds, sighing heavily, features scrunched up in a grimace as he recalls what happened with Jared. “I’m just really confused and upset right now, I don’t know what to do.”

“Can you be a little more specific? Tell me what happened Jen, I’ll help if I can.” Her voice washes over him, uncertainty and worry in her tone.

“I talked to Jared today…” Jensen trails off, letting his sister make of this what she will.

The sigh down the line is heavy and drawn out, laced with concern and agitation. “What did he say to you? He didn’t hurt you again, did he? I still think you should’ve let me talk to him, give him a piece of my mind, that boy seriously needs to be yelled at and you know there’s no one better at that than me.”

Jensen can’t help but smile slightly at these words, it is just so like Mackenzie to get overprotective, doesn’t matter that she’s his younger sister. “He didn’t say anything like what you’re expecting. Actually, he told me, in so many words, that he misses me, misses us.”

There is an intake of breath over the line and it sounds loud to Jensen’s ears. “Please tell me you bitched him out for that.” She finally speaks, sounding like she’s hesitant to hear his answer.

Jensen releases a sigh and closes his eyes. “Yeah, I told him he didn’t get to have _that_ conversation now after all this time and then I left him standing there in Chris’ driveway. But that’s beside the point Mack, I’m all mixed up now because of this.”

“You still want to be with him.” She says this as a statement not a question, and Jensen realizes that she’s right. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth, he can’t deny the truth of it.

“Yeah, I do, and it’s bugging the shit outta me. He hurt me and I can’t trust him not to do it again, but God help me I still love him and I want to be with him. I don’t know what to do, Mack.” Jensen admits with tears in his eyes that bleed into his voice, desperation so strong that he can’t hide.

“I still say that he doesn’t deserve you, and I really don’t want to see you hurt again, but…” his sister trails off on a sigh.

“But,” he prods, unexpectedly eager to hear what she has to say.

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” she says to herself, laughing ironically. “If you still want to be with him Jen, then I say you should go for it. If he will make you happy and can get you out of this miserable place he’s put you in, then I think you should take him back. But if he hurts you again, so help me God, even you won’t be able to stop me from killing him!”

Jensen smiles into the phone as he runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t know why he needed her approval so badly, needed to hear her tell him it’s okay to take Jared back. Maybe he just needed someone else’s opinion to help him come to a decision; he isn’t sure, but it’s good to hear nonetheless.

**:0Ж0:**

December 24th, 2000

Jensen steps out of the cab once it pulls up to the curb and pays the fare. He watches the vehicle drive away almost longingly and turns to peer at the house in front of him, looking like a man on death row. Every part of him is screaming at him to turn away and walk back to the dorms, to not deal with this right now. He just wants to get away, doesn’t want to go through with what he knows needs to be done.

He still hasn’t decided what he is going to do about Jared, doesn’t know if he wants to take him back or if that is one bridge he can’t cross. He’s not all that sure Jared even wants him back, but that is beside the point right now. The point is, all this confusion and indecision has made one thing perfectly clear to him and the fact of the matter is that he isn’t over Jared.

This, of course, has made him reevaluate his life and the choices he has made. Which brings him to Justin. He likes the older man, a lot, and if things were different he wouldn’t hesitate to date the guy. But the truth is, he really shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. He doesn’t know why he even decided to try to be in one, but he knows now that it was a mistake. He can’t give Justin what he deserves, which is all of himself, when he is still pining away for his ex-boyfriend. It isn’t fair to the older man and Jensen knows it.

Justin is an incredible person and under different circumstances Jensen would be all over him. The guy is unbelievably sweet and caring, a hopeless romantic, he is funny and intelligent, and his cooking is to die for. All things considered, he is exactly the type of guy Jensen has always wanted. But when he came into Jensen’s life the timing was just wrong, and while he may have all these good points going for him, Jensen can’t ignore that he isn’t ready to give all of himself to Justin.

He figures he has led Justin on long enough and he should put an end to it before deeper feelings are involved, before it’s too late to turn back. He doesn’t want to hurt Justin, so he believes it is best to end things now before things go too far. Sure, Justin may be disappointed and a little hurt, but it would be a hell of a lot worse if he were to do this in a month or so.

Still, knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier. Jensen has never broken up with anybody before, he doesn’t like doing anything that he knows will hurt or disappoint someone, and he hates being the bad guy. He sees no way around this though, and there really is no other way he can do this. He has to break up with Justin because the guy deserves to be with someone who loves him, who is free to love him.

Even though he still hasn’t decided if he is going to take Jared back, he knows what he must do as far as Justin is concerned. Doesn’t matter if he decides to take Jared back or not, when all is said and done, breaking up with Justin is the right thing to do and he knows it. _Now, if only this could be a little easier to do_ , he thinks to himself somberly as he walks up to the front door and knocks lightly.

A bright smile climbs onto Justin’s face the moment he sees Jensen and it just makes him feel worse than he already does. Unable to speak, Jensen smiles a bit uncertainly and enters the house when Justin ushers him in. Feeling awkward in his own skin, he stuffs his hands into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you today; I was just getting ready to head to my parents’ house for Christmas Eve. My family gets together every year, there are always sandwiches and cakes galore, and then we open a couple presents at midnight. Awesome time!” Justin says enthusiastically as he rushes around the living room, stuffing gifts and containers filled with food into plastic bags.

_Shit_ , Jensen mentally curses when the date is brought to his attention. He had forgotten all about what day it was and now he feels like a heel. It seems pretty damn cruel and insensitive to break up with someone on Christmas Eve, only a jackass does something like that. _I can’t do this now_ , he tells himself as he watches Justin scramble around the living room, feeling like a complete jerk, _I should wait until after the holidays._

“Sorry,” Justin laughs sheepishly. “I know I’m kinda rushing around here like a madman. I just don’t want to be late, ya know? It’s really good to see you though, it’s made my day that much better.”

“No, I completely understand, I’ve caught you at a bad time. Actually, I didn’t even realize what day it was,” Jensen lets out a laugh that sounds false to his own ears and he hopes that Justin doesn’t catch onto it. “Guess I’ve been too busy to keep up with the days lately.”

Justin just smiles fondly and drops what he is doing to lean against the back of the couch. “I would offer for you to come along, celebrate Christmas Eve with me, but I know we haven’t been dating for that long and it’d probably too early for you to meet my parents, much less my whole family in one go.” He laughs as he says this and Jensen can’t help but reciprocate it, nodding his head in agreement.

“Yeah, that might be a bit uncomfortable for me, to be honest,” Jensen laughs again, a little bit of his nerves coming out in the sound that he tries to cover up with a cough. “I hope you have a good time though.”

“What do you have planned for tonight?” Justin asks after a short moment of silence.

“Probably celebrate with a few friends.” The lie tumbles from his lips effortlessly and he hopes the guilt he is feeling isn’t showing on his face.

Jensen takes in an uneasy breath, feeling as though the walls are closing in on him. He has the sudden urge to get out of here, get some air. He is feeling like the crappiest person on the planet at the moment. He came over here with the sole intention of breaking up with Justin, only for the guy to welcome him into his home with a bright smile and the knowledge of what day it is.

The spacious living room suddenly seems a bit too small to Jensen now and the weight of things unsaid, of guilt, hangs in the air, steadily suffocating him. The need to escape is getting stronger by the minute and Jensen doesn’t know how much longer he can hold out. All he can keep thinking is that he shouldn’t be here, not right now, and he can’t seem to look Justin in the eye for very long, which he’s sure the man will catch on to sooner or later. He really doesn’t want to give him the chance because then he will have questions that Jensen doesn’t want to answer right now. He doesn’t want to ruin Justin’s holiday, doesn’t want to be the reason for putting the man in a depressed mood on Christmas Eve.

“I, uh… you’re busy right now so I’m just gonna get out of here and let you get ready,” Jensen stammers, cursing himself mentally for it.

“No, it’s alright, there’s really no need to rush off,” Justin steps forward as he says this but Jensen shakes his head and moves closer to the door. “You just got here Jensen, I _want_ you to stay for a little bit.” Justin tries again with a different approach.

“It’s not that I don’t want to stay for a little while, it’s just that I really should be going anyway. I should get over to Chris’ now to find out if they have any plans, if they’re going anywhere, I don’t want to be left behind or anything.” Jensen lets the lie slide off his tongue, the words tasting bitter and sour.

“Alright then, if you really must be going I won’t try to keep you here any longer than I have. You should come by sometime tomorrow though, I wouldn’t protest to having you around.”

“Uh, yeah sure, I’ll see if I can swing by for a bit.” Jensen replies as he inches closer to the door, eager to get out of here as soon as possible.

Justin crosses the space between them in a few steps and leans in to kiss him. Jensen turns his head at the last moment without thinking, causing Justin’s lips to press against his cheek instead of their intended target. Jensen closes his eyes, calling himself an idiot when Justin freezes and then pulls back slightly, looking at him with imploring and searching eyes. Jensen wants to hide from that stare, and is unable to meet it no matter what he does.

_You should’ve just let him kiss you, you idiot!_ He yells at himself mentally, calling himself every name he can think of. Justin is still watching him with that searching gaze and Jensen knows he is screwed. There is no way Justin won’t question him now, not after Jensen shied away from his kiss, and especially not while he won’t return his stare. He has royally fucked himself over with that split second, instinctual movement and he could just hit himself for being so idiotic.

Jensen hears Justin’s sharp intake of breath and closes his eyes, waiting for the inevitable. “What’s wrong Jensen?” Justin asks the dreaded question finally.

“Nothing’s wrong, I… it’s just… I don’t know why I did that,” Jensen lets out a huff of breath and finally raises his eyes to meet Justin’s stare, looking at the older man with a miserable expression on his face. “I’m sorry, really, I don’t know why I moved like that.”

Justin just looks at him intently for a moment, eyes sweeping over his features, assessing him, and then he shakes his head. “No, I don’t believe you; I think you know exactly why you moved away from me, you just don’t want to explain yourself. Why is that?”

“I seriously don’t know why I did it,” Jensen says once more, though he already knows Justin won’t believe him.

“Don’t give me that Jensen, don’t lie to me, please. Just tell me, whatever it is, I don’t care. Just tell me the truth.”

Jensen releases a sigh full of defeat and resignation. “Please don’t make me do this now, not today, not on Christmas Eve. I’ll explain myself eventually, I’ll tell you anything you want me to, but please don’t make me ruin the holiday.”

For a moment Justin just looks confused as he stares at Jensen but then his eyes widen in realization and he turns them away. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner,” he speaks softly to himself before turning his eyes back to Jensen. “You came here to break up with me, didn’t you? And you couldn‘t do it when you realized what day it was.”

Jensen’s head snaps up so suddenly that he is in danger of giving himself whiplash, and he has the impression that he looks vaguely like a deer caught in headlights right now. Justin smiles ruefully and nods his head in understanding, lowering his eyes to hide any emotion shining through.

Guilt lodges in Jensen’s throat, making it difficult to swallow much less breathe. He wants to say something, apologize for coming here to break up with him, make sure he knows he never meant to hurt him, that when he said he wanted to start a relationship he _had_ meant it at the time. But, unfortunately, he finds that he can’t open his mouth. He knows he owes Justin an explanation, as well as an apology, but he doesn’t know what he would say, even if he could get his mouth to work properly.

Problem is he isn’t even sure there is anything he could say that would make this remotely okay. No words exist that could take away the sting of being dumped and Jensen knows this firsthand. Jensen vaguely wonders if he should just say he is sorry and then make his exit, but he squashes this thought almost immediately, knowing Justin deserves better than that. The older man has treated him with nothing but kindness and understanding; he deserves an explanation and some closure. Plus, if it is even possible, Jensen hopes that they can part on good terms, even if that does seem like a stretch.

Justin raises his eyes once more, after a long and awkward moment, and Jensen forces himself to face him. Justin manages to smile a bit solemnly and Jensen can’t help but think him remarkable. Only Justin would manage to smile at the person breaking up with him without a trace of anger. Jensen can’t help thinking that he deserves that absent anger, but he also can’t help being grateful for its absence because it makes this all a little easier.

“Jared’s somehow behind the reason for your decision to break up with me, isn’t he?” he says softly, a knowing expression on his face that makes Jensen flush sheepishly. “He wants you back, doesn’t he? Are you planning on going back to him?”

“I spoke to Jared recently, and yes he may have suggested that he wants me back, but I’ve made no decisions to take him back or anything,” Jensen replies, looking straight into Justin’s eyes. “Having him approach me like that though, put a lot of things into perspective for me.”

“Like the fact that you’re still in love with him,” Justin says for him, soft eyes looking upon him with understanding and acceptance.

Jensen nods his head apologetically. “And I realized that, even if I don’t take Jared back, I’m not ready to be in another relationship right now when my heart still belongs to someone else.”

“I can’t say this doesn’t suck, ‘cause I really like you Jensen, but I can understand, and I’m glad you’re doing this now rather than later. I have a lot of respect for you for doing this, in fact. So, I guess on some level I should be thanking you for ending this now before I got in too deep.”

“I really thought I was ready for a new relationship, and I want you to know that I really do like you Justin, you’re one of the most incredible men I know. And under different circumstances I think a relationship would have worked out. You’re a great guy and a large part of me wishes… I really wish things could have worked between us, could have been different.”

Justin smiles, a small, genuine smile, this time and nods his head. “I believe you; I know you wanted this to work out as much as I did. It was nice while it lasted though, and I certainly don’t regret anything… I hope you don’t either.”

“I don’t, there’s no way I could.” Jensen responds firmly, honestly.

“Good, I’m glad to hear that… and, just for the record, Jared’s a lucky guy, he doesn’t realize how lucky he is. He has something special, something a lot of guys would kill to have, and I really hope for your sake that he wakes up and realizes just what he‘s been given.”

Jensen blushes at these words and lowers his head bashfully, whispering a barely audible ‘thanks’. He has gotten pretty used to blushing around Justin, the guy constantly giving him compliments that made his cheeks redden. “I guess I should be going now,” Jensen says quietly as he opens the door. “I’m really sorry about all this Justin, and I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that guy, but I hope you find him soon ‘cause you deserve to be happy.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t you, too, but thanks all the same. And I hope everything works out for you as well, because you deserve to be happy too Jensen, even if you don’t believe it at times,” Justin replies with a knowing smile.

Jensen just nods his head, whispering ‘bye Justin’ and then turns around and walks out the door. He can hear Justin following him out but he doesn’t turn back. He still feels like crap for doing this on Christmas Eve, and for simply having to break up with Justin in the first place, but at the same time it feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He doesn’t quite know where he is going to go from here but he figures he will just take it one step at a time and see where he ends up.

“Hey Jensen,” Justin calls out suddenly, Jensen stopping in his tracks and turning to face the older man once more. “I’d like to take you up on your earlier offer of friendship… that is, as long as the offer’s still on the table.”

A beaming smile makes its way onto Jensen’s face as he nods his head enthusiastically, happiness clear on his face and in the depths of his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I think I’d like that very much.”

Justin smiles then, blindingly. “Great to hear it. You’re welcome to drop by any time, remember that. And I’ll probably drop by the café from time to time just to visit, as long as it’s okay with you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, and I look forward to seeing you at the café sometime. I’ll see you around Justin, don’t be a stranger.” Jensen replies before turning and walking away once more, feeling a lot better about the whole situation now that he knows they might stay friends.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen follows Danneel into Malone’s and gives Jack a wave before taking a seat across from his friend in one of the booths. Danneel leans forward with her elbows resting on the table top, rich red hair falling over her shoulder, a few strands hanging loosely in front of her eyes. She makes no move to slide it behind her ear though, and places a dazzling smile on her face as Jack approaches their table.

Jack greets each of them with his usual cheerfulness, teasing Danneel while he is at it, and eventually getting around to taking their order. Jensen asks for a simple chocolate shake while Danneel decides she wants swirl ice cream. Jack takes their order with a smile on his face, saying he’s glad to see them and that they should come in more often, and then he walks away to retrieve their desserts.

“So, what’s going on with you, Jenny Boy?” she asks once she turns her attention back to him. She had been trying to get the information out of him all through their shift but Jensen simply refused to discuss it at work and so she came up with the idea of going to Malone’s after work so they could talk.

“Don’t call me that,” Jensen grumbles irritably but this only produces a laugh from Danneel. _Typical_ , he mutters in his mind, glowering to himself. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind the last couple of days, is all.”

“Nuh uh, you’re not getting off that easy,” Danneel shakes her head as if to prove her point. “You’re not gonna look all dazed and mopey during work and then expect an excuse like that to get you off the hook. Nope, you’re gonna sit there with your damn shake and give me all the details, and I don’t want to hear any bitching about it.”

“Alright, jeez, calm down,” Jensen raises his hands in sign of surrender and can’t help but smile. She and Sophia are a lot alike when it comes to the ‘no bullshit’ attitude they have. It is kind of endearing, if not obnoxious sometimes. “Jared said something to me the other day, or more like he hinted at something, and I haven’t been able to get it off my mind since.”

A scowl appears on Danneel’s face as soon as she hears this. “What did that dickhead say to you?” She practically growls and it takes all of Jensen’s willpower not to laugh.

“It doesn’t really matter what he said, what matters is it made me re-think a few things in my life and helped me to make things right.” Jensen replies with complete honesty, truly believing he has made the right choices.

Danneel eyes him suspiciously but before she can attempt to say anything Jack returns to their table with their dessert. Jensen shows his gratitude by giving Jack a smile before wrapping his lips around his straw. Milk chocolate explodes on his tongue a second later and he moans his appreciation. It is in his opinion that Malone’s makes the best milkshakes he has ever had and he couldn’t mean that more. They are smooth and sweet, not too rich like at some places.

Jack grins in satisfaction before walking away, a bounce to his step. Danneel eyes Jensen critically, like she believes he is hiding something and is determined to figure out what it is. Jensen ignores her blatant stare, and happily slurps down his shake. Danneel’s eyes widen a moment later and she slaps her hands down onto the table, startling Jensen enough that he jumps at the impact, and warily looks at her as she stares back in disbelief.

“You broke up with Justin,” she says this like she just can’t wrap her head around it, like she wants to crawl inside his head just to understand what is going through his mind. “Didn’t you?”

The expression on his face must give him away because now she looks like she wants to reach out and strangle him. “I realized that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship right now, it wasn’t fair to Justin, so I broke up with him before I could hurt him too badly.”

“I can’t believe you,” she whispers on a huff of breath, leaning back in her seat and looking at Jensen like she doesn’t even know who he is. “Justin was cute, Jensen, and he was a total sweetheart! How could you break up with him like that? He was really good for you, and you were sickeningly cute together… are you crazy?”

“Look, it’s not a big deal, okay? We had only been dating for a short time, so there were no hard feelings involved. In fact, we’re going to stay friends.” he reassures her, though he isn’t positive they _will_ stay friends; he can only hope Justin meant it when he said he wanted to. “But it wasn’t fair to stay with him when I know for a fact that I can’t give my heart to him, when I don’t know how long it’ll be before I’m ready to give my heart to him. I don’t even know if I would have given him my heart, and that’s a problem. I was doing the right thing Danneel, you have to see that. He deserved better than what I could give him.”

Danneel lets out a sigh, looking as though she wants to be stubborn and deny the truth of his statement, but he can tell that she agrees with him. She nods her head a bit ruefully, appearing as though she is more disappointed than Jensen is that things didn’t work out with Justin. He simply smiles a bit apologetically and allows the conversation to die in the wake of what has been previously said.

Jensen lowers his head and lets out a groan when he sees Jared enter the small parlor. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with the shaggy haired man but it looks as though he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. He can easily recall how he left things between them and is sure whatever is about to happen next won’t be pleasant. The air between them is bound to be awkward and Jensen isn’t looking forward to it in the least.

In a few short strides Jared reaches their table, an unsure smile on his face and his hands stuffed into his jeans’ pockets, balled up into fists. Danneel scowls at him the moment she sees him, placing a bitchy expression on her features, but Jared, to his credit, ignores her. Instead he focuses his attention on Jensen, which Jensen finds uncomfortable and unpleasant. He doesn’t want to deal with this, isn’t sure he even has the strength for it, but he knows Jared well enough by now; he isn’t going to give up until Jensen agrees to hear him out.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, can I talk to you?” he asks, looking hopeful.

Jensen releases a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and giving his head a brief shake, before opening his eyes once more and returning Jared’s stare. “I don’t know, Jared. What’s there to talk about anyway? Everything is over and done with, why can’t you just leave things well enough alone?”

“Please Jensen, I know I don’t deserve to explain myself after all this time, but I’ll get down on my knees and beg you if that’s what it takes,” Jared says, desperation coloring his tone and looking as though he means every single word. He really will get down and beg on his knees if that is what he has to do. The sentiment is appreciated, but Jensen still doesn’t feel like having this conversation.

“He said he doesn’t want to talk to you, Jared, so why don’t you save what’s left of your dignity and let it go?” Danneel suggests in that bitchy tone of hers and Jensen almost laughs out loud.

Jared tosses her an irritated glance but returns his full attention to Jensen a second later. “Please Jen, just hear me out. Give me this one chance to explain myself, and then if we really can’t work things out between us I’ll never bring it up again, I promise. Just, please, give me ten minutes, just ten minutes.”

Even though he doesn’t want to, Jensen finally caves and draws himself to his feet. Danneel watches him with disbelief and concern in her eyes, but he just gives her a reassuring smile and then motions for Jared to follow him out of the parlor, saying they need some privacy for this conversation. Jared follows him like an eager puppy and flags down a cab to take them back to Jensen’s dorm room.

**:0Ж0:**

“Alright, you’ve got ten minutes, don’t waste ‘em,” Jensen says dispassionately as he unlocks the door and enters the room. It has grown dark in the time it took to get here from the parlor but he doesn’t bother with turning on any lights.

He tosses his keys down onto his desk and toes off his shoes as Jared shuts the door behind him, standing awkwardly in the doorway, like he never lived here at one point in time and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Jensen doesn’t bother to ease his tension by telling him to make himself at home because, to be frank, Jared isn’t welcome here anymore. He simply takes a seat at the end of his bed and looks at Jared expectantly.

Jared eyes the other side of the room through the darkness for a moment, taking in the unkempt bed and posters littering the wall, before shuffling over to Jensen’s desk chair and sitting down. Placing his hands in his lap, he fiddles with them anxiously until Jensen yells at him, saying Jared is making _him_ nervous now. He also makes sure to remind him that he’s wasting time sitting there when he could be talking. Jensen doesn’t particularly want to discuss this, but it is better than watching Jared fidget in his seat nervously.

“You got a new roommate, huh? I didn’t know that,” Jared says softly, looking at the other side of the room with something akin to longing in his eyes.

Jensen rolls his eyes in response, getting tired of this whole beating around the bush thing Jared’s got going on, and glances down at his watch in the most obvious way. “Eight minutes,” he says simply, indicating that Jared needs to start talking now or get out.

Jared finally tears his eyes away from Will’s side of the room and faces Jensen with remorse on his face. “I’m sorry, Jen. I realize how much I’ve hurt you by what I’ve done, and I know it’s very possible that I can’t make it right, but I’d like to try. I was a coward, you don’t need to tell me that, I know it more than I’d like to. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since I left that night. I’ve been tormenting myself for the past three months.”

“Why are you telling me this, Jared? You want me to feel sorry for you? Well, I’m sorry, but I just don’t have it in me to feel bad for you,” Jensen says as he lowers his head, staring down at the carpet.

“I’m not saying this so you’ll feel sorry for me, Jen. If anyone has the right to draw anyone’s sympathy it would be you, and I know that. I just needed you to know that, despite the fact that I brought this upon myself, this has affected me too,” Jared runs a hand through his hair, shaking with frustration. “Whether you choose to believe me or not, I’ve regretted my choices. I regret leaving that night, Jen, leaving you. I can’t stand this, I hate the way things are between us now. I want so badly to fix things and it frustrates me ‘cause I can’t figure out how, don’t know if there is even anything to fix anymore.”

Jensen shakes his head in refusal as he rises from the bed. “I don’t want to hear anymore, this conversation is over. I’d like for you to leave.”

Jared stands as well and takes a step toward Jensen, a step which Jensen counters by stepping around the bed out of reach. Jared stops his approach, raising his hands in a sign of reassurance, like Jensen is a frightened animal that will attack at any given moment. Which isn’t too far off because Jensen really doesn’t want to be touched right now, doesn’t think he would be able to stand the slightest of touches; he could break down if that were to happen.

“Jen, please, tell me what I have to do to make this right. I don’t want to leave things like this, don’t want things to be like this between us anymore. I hate this, God I hate this more than anything. I miss you so much, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes,” Jared looks so desperate as he stands there, as though whether he lives or dies depends on Jensen’s response. “I love you, I tried to pretend like I don’t but I never stopped loving you and I can‘t pretend anymore. I need you Jensen, I know that now and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.”

A sigh rushes out of Jensen, taking all his defenses with it and leaving him trembling in defeat. He drops down onto the bed once more, this time up near his pillow, and he looks up at Jared, misery etched onto his face.

“Even if I wanted to take you back, Jared, I don’t know if I could. Whatever trust I had in you is broken; it’s been demolished, and I don’t know if I can ever get it back. You really hurt me, I don’t think you fully realize how much, and in the back of my mind I’ll always be wondering when you’ll chicken out again,” Jensen admits on a whisper as a single tear falls from his eye and slides down his cheek.

“I know I screwed up Jensen, and I know it’ll be a long time before you can trust me again, but I’m willing to wait however long it takes and I’m willing to do whatever I have to do in order to be with you again. You mean the world to me, Jen, and while I’m not saying I can’t live without you, I _am_ saying that I don‘t want to.” Jared says this with complete honesty, Jensen can see the truth of these words shining in his eyes. “Please don’t make me, Jen.”

“I don’t think you’re ready or willing to do what it takes to be with me, Jay,” Jensen says ruefully, giving a little shrug of his shoulder.

“Just name it, Jen,” Jared counters, determination in his very countenance.

“Things can’t go back to the way they were, if I’m going to give us another chance I need more from you than what you gave me before.”

“Such as?” Jared asks, looking a little uneasy.

“If we’re going to have a relationship I don’t want to hide it; I can’t pretend anymore. I love you, Jared, that’s no secret, but I refuse to hide the fact that I have a boyfriend. I won’t do it… not even for you. If we’re gonna be together then you need to come out of that closet you’re hiding in. I need you to be honest with yourself and the people around us,” Jensen responds, watching Jared intently as he takes all of this in.

“My family…” Jared trails off, looking lost.

“I’m not talking about your family. Sure, I’d like for you to tell them eventually, you can’t hide me and yourself away from them forever after all, but that’s not the biggest issue here, not right now. No, what I’m talking about is holding hands in public, going on dates and not hiding the fact that it’s a date. I’m not just your friend, Jared, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t treat me like one in public. I won’t be your dirty little secret, I’ve been that for you for too long and I won’t do it anymore.”

Jared is quiet for a long time, just standing there with an unsure and scared expression on his face. Jensen can’t help but take this as a sign. Jared obviously isn’t ready, and while Jensen already knew this, having the proof stare him in the face doesn’t make it any easier. _He may never be ready_ , he acknowledges sadly, wiping at his eyes when another tear falls.

Jensen lowers his head and gives it a self deprecating shake, telling himself that he should have known better than to hope he and Jared could try again. Jensen is simply asking too much of the other man, asking for things Jared won’t deliver, and he figures that there really is no going back from this. He can’t help but berate himself for even considering taking Jared back because nothing would have changed, he would have just gone back to the same bad situation that he was in before, and that really isn’t what he wants.

He really does love Jared, possibly always will, but he meant what he said. He may love Jared more than he has ever loved anyone but he isn’t willing to be his dirty little secret anymore. He needs someone he can count on, deserves to be in a relationship that he doesn’t have to hide. Maybe he and Jared can find their long lost friendship after all is said and done, or maybe they can’t. Either way, one fact remains: they just can’t go back, a relationship simply isn’t in the cards for them.

Jensen looks up with a start when he feels the bed dip beside him and finds Jared looking at him with a softness in his eyes that threatens to draw Jensen in. He wants to look away, to hide from that caring expression filled with fondness and promise, but he finds that he can’t. He watches almost in a trance-like daze as Jared reaches out and takes his limp hand in his own.

“Done,” Jared speaks softly and the word comes out breathy.

Jensen has to do a double take, wondering if he heard correctly. “What?” he asks dumbly.

Jared smiles tenderly and squeezes the hand held loosely in his briefly. “I told you I was willing to do whatever it took to win you back and I meant it. If that’s what you want, if taking our relationship public is what it takes to get you back, then that’s what I’ll do,” Jared tells him with that dimpled smile on his face, eyes consumed with happiness that washes over Jensen. “I love you, Jensen, and I’m going to do things right this time.”

“Really?” Jensen asks, almost afraid to believe it and that just brings him down. Tears spill down his face faster now, though whether they are tears of happiness or sadness, he can’t be too sure. “I find that really hard to believe, Jared. I want to believe it, so badly, but I just can’t.”

“I know you can’t trust me, and I don’t blame you, but that’s okay ‘cause I’m going to prove it to you. Just wait and see... I’ll prove it to you, Jen.” Jared says firmly as he draws Jensen into his arms and lies them down, getting them comfortable on their sides, facing one another. “I know you can’t believe it right now but you’ll see... things will be different this time.”

Jensen clings onto Jared’s arms with desperation, like he will disappear if he isn’t holding on as tightly as he can. “I’ve missed you so badly, you have no idea how terrible this has been for me. God, I’m so afraid you’re gonna hurt me again but I‘ve just missed you so much and I‘m more afraid of losing you again,” Jensen admits through gasps of breath.

“I’m back, Jen; you have me and I’m not going anywhere.” Jared soothes him in hushed tones, tightening his arms around him.

Jensen buries his head in the crook of Jared’s neck and lets the tears flow until his tear ducts can produce no more. He breathes in the younger man’s scent, bringing him a sense of home and belonging. He still isn't sure about this, doesn't know if things will work out between them, but he is more open to giving it a shot compared to how he was feeling about it earlier. 

Obviously he is still wary, this isn't going to be easy, but lying there in Jared's arms shows him just how much he has missed the other man and how much he hopes they can work things out. It will take some time before he can begin to trust Jared again, that is if he can ever fully regain his trust in the shaggy haired man, but he is willing to give it a chance. He figures he owes it to himself to at least see if they can work things out, because he realizes now just how badly he wants it to.

His last thought before he drifts into sleep is: _I love this man so much, please let him stay this time._


	18. Everything Falls into Place

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Seventeen:**  
 _Everything Falls into Place_  
-~*~-

When Jensen opens his eyes he struggles to pull himself into awareness and the first thing he notices is the sun shining irritably into them and a warmth pressed tightly to his back, like a heavy blanket that you can’t help but want to snuggle into. It has been such a long time since he has woken up to this, Jared’s mile long limbs wrapped around him, that reassuring warmth seeping into his back, and he can’t help but lay there longer than planned and soak it all in.

He never realized how much he missed it until this very moment, wrapped comfortably in Jared’s arms once more, and he can admit he is afraid of losing it again. He keeps having to remind himself that Jared’s back and he is here to stay, or so Jared keeps trying to assure him. Jensen still has his doubts and insecurities concerning the matter but he is doing his best to push them to the background and give him and Jared the second chance he has wanted since the night Jared left.

Jensen closes his eyes again and leans back into his boyfriend’s embrace, entwining their fingers carefully, trying not to wake the other man. He can’t stop the smile that forms on his face, however, when he feels the tender kiss placed at the nape of his neck. _So much for letting him sleep_ , Jensen thinks fondly to himself as he turns over in Jared’s arms and smiles his good morning. The smile he gets in return is sleepy and lazy; it would look goofy if it weren’t so adorable.

“Hmmm, hey…” Jared drawls lazily as he stretches languidly, pressing closer to Jensen in the process.

“Hey yourself,” Jensen whispers back, looking upon his sleepy lover with soft eyes, taking in the sight of a sleep tussled Jared like it is a work of art.

“Did you sleep well?” Jared’s voice lowers to a mere whisper, keeping the conversation sensual and intimate.

Jensen nods his head before answering verbally, “Better than I have in quite a while actually.”

Jared’s answering smile is soft yet remorseful, regretful of the decisions he has made in the past that has driven such a wedge between them. Jensen feels bad about bringing the issue up, even if unconsciously, and he buries his face into the crook of Jared’s neck as though trying to hide from it. He really wants them to be able to move beyond this, put it in their past and try to regain what they lost along the way, but he realizes just how tough that is going to be.

They have a long way to go before Jensen will trust Jared like he once did, or at least trust him as much as he can learn to. He still isn’t sure he will be able to trust him completely, Jared managed to hurt him more than anyone else ever has and it has left a scar on his heart. He has to hope it will fade with time though. He is willing to take Jared back after everything he put him through, is willing to give them one last chance, so that has to count for something. At the very least he considers it to be one small step in the right direction.

He loves Jared, he really does, and everyone knows this, but he must admit he is a little afraid to give his heart over again like he once did. His first instinct is to guard it with everything in his being, not let Jared in completely, not let him close enough that Jensen is in danger of being hurt again. He doesn’t like it and he wants to push past this defense mechanism, but he isn’t quite sure how to do that yet.

Jensen sighs in contentment when Jared tightens his arm around him, tucking him in closer to the warmth of his body, and makes his best attempt at pushing all discouraging thoughts from his mind. Jared is here now, loves him and says he has no plans of leaving again, and Jensen has to believe that is enough to get them through this. Who knows, maybe this whole experience will make them stronger in the end, strengthen the bond they have managed to create and then nothing will be able to break them apart.

Jensen allows Jared to tilt his head up when he feels his boyfriend’s hand on his jaw and welcomes the pair of lips that descend upon his. It is the first kiss they have shared in quite some time and Jensen finds himself near melting into it, opening his mouth when Jared asks for entrance and almost moaning when their tongues twine together. Jared’s right hand rests casually along Jensen’s jaw line, guiding his head to different angles when he feels like deepening the kiss, and Jensen is more than happy to let him do with him what he will.

Jensen draws Jared’s bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth, biting down on it gently, more like a nip, and brings forth a deep guttural groan from the shaggy haired man. Jensen’s lip turn upwards into a smile against Jared’s mouth, pleased with himself, before pressing back into the kiss with something akin to desperation, sucking Jared‘s tongue into his mouth, breathing harshly through his nose.

Jared moans his appreciation, sliding his hand up Jensen’s back to rest at the back of his head, fingers spread wide, cradling his skull. The passionate, bordering on violent kiss tones down considerably fast however, and leaves their lips sliding together languidly. Jensen has always had a weak spot for lazy kisses such as this one, where their lips simply rest against each other, moving sensually every now and then, but they are mostly just sharing breath.

Jensen pulls back a fraction after a moment and his eyes slide open to find a set of soulful hazel assessing him openly, a hint of a soft smile in their depths. He simply stares back, not flinching away or letting his shy nature get the best of him, and they lie there for an unknown amount of time just drinking in the sight of one another.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen comes back from the bathroom after changing into some clean clothes and doing his usual morning routine, flopping down onto his desk chair and placing a pair of black shoes on his feet. He didn’t bother with putting his contacts back in this morning, eyes irritated and achy after accidentally falling asleep with them in, so he opted to wear his glasses today. It is kind of strange to wear them again since he has gotten into the habit of wearing his contacts almost religiously, but the weight of his glasses are familiar and comfortable and he could easily fall back into the habit of wearing them if he wanted to.

Once he is finished tying his shoes he leans back in his chair, arm thrown over the back and wrapping around the edge, and he watches Jared silently. Jared is lying on his stomach on Jensen’s bed, with his upper torso propped up by his elbows as he flips through a magazine. He lifts his eyes after a moment, obviously having felt the weight of Jensen’s stare upon him, and looks up at Jensen through the fringe of his bangs. He cocks his head to the side, reminding Jensen of a curious puppy, and Jensen can’t stop himself from snickering at the comparison.

Jared raises an eyebrow, his expression a cross between amused and bewildered, and Jensen simply shakes his head and mouths “You don’t want to know,” as a smile pulls at his lips. Jared doesn’t question him on this, simply pulls himself from the bed and wanders over to where Jensen sits slouched comfortably in his chair. He leans down the moment he reaches him and presses a kiss to Jensen’s lips. Jensen hums in approval against Jared’s mouth, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and drawing him impossibly closer.

Jared pulls away sooner than Jensen would have liked, but he lets the shaggy haired man go without any complaints and pastes a smile on his face. Jared sits down on the edge of Jensen’s bed, elbows resting on his knees, and locks his hazel eyes with the jade green of Jensen’s.

“So, you have plans for today?” Jared asks after a brief moment of silence, looking honestly curious. “You don’t have to work or anything, do you?”

“No, I’m scheduled for tomorrow, I get today off. Why do you ask?”

“Well, besides going back to Chris and Steve’s to change my clothes I have to call my mom and there’s something I have to set up, but I was wondering if you wanted to do something after I’m done,” Jared suggests, looking unsure and a bit nervous, blatantly afraid of Jensen’s rejection. “We don’t necessarily have to do anything… I just thought it’d be nice to spend the day together.”

Jensen is silent for a moment, contemplating the idea, and then he gives a slow nod of his head. “Sure, that sounds great, actually,” A radiant smile crawls onto Jared’s face, dimples prominent by how wide his lips are stretching, and Jensen finds it hard to keep from smiling as well. “There a specific time you had in mind?”

“How ‘bout I come by somewhere between five and six? Would that be okay? I could bring some dinner with me.”

Jensen almost chuckles because of how nervous and unsure Jared sounds, like he is trying his damnedest to get Jensen to agree but trying not to push too much at the same time. It is kind of endearing to Jensen, even though it has the potential to get old rather quick. It shows that Jared is honestly trying though, and is afraid of screwing things up. Knowing that Jared cares, being able to see that he wants to make this work between them, gives Jensen a bit of hope that everything will eventually be okay again.

“Yeah, sounds like a plan to me,” Jensen says, nodding his head as though to confirm this, and then he stands up.

“Okay, great…” Jared trails off as he rises to his feet and stands in front of Jensen, looking as though he doesn’t know what to do now and the air grows awkward between them as they each grapple for something to say.

The door to the room suddenly opens and it makes both of them jump, startling them out of their awkward moment. Will enters the room, looking at them in turn, appearing unsure as to whether he should stay or quickly back out the way he came. Jensen comes to his senses and motions Will into the room, indicating that it is safe. Will releases an audible sigh of relief, relaxing immediately, and proceeds towards his side of the room.

Jensen watches as Jared follows Will with his eyes and it is obvious that he doesn’t know what to think of Jensen’s roommate just yet. Jensen almost wants to roll his eyes because he can clearly see a hint of jealousy on Jared’s face and he has stepped an inch closer to Jensen, like he is staking his claim and making sure there are no misunderstandings. Will meets Jared’s stare with a confused expression, turning to regard Jensen with “what the fuck?” obvious on his face.

“Jared, this is my roommate, Will,” Jensen quickly introduces them before turning toward Will. “You staying with your girl again tonight?”

Will nods his head. “It’s a regular occurrence for me to stay at Bethany’s these days, I should just move in and be done with it,” he chuckles, flushing a bright red. “But yeah, the room is all yours tonight, as usual.”

Jared relaxes beside Jensen now that he knows Will isn’t going to be competition. Jensen thinks that is rather ridiculous, not every guy he meets wants in his pants after all, but Jared is going to think how he wants and nothing Jensen can do will stop that. He is just glad his boyfriend has calmed down now and gotten over his bout of jealousy. It was completely unfounded and definitely not appreciated.

“Yeah, it probably wouldn’t hurt to make that step, since you’re practically living together anyway.” Jensen responds with a soft laugh of his own, watching Jared as the shaggy-haired man pulls out his cell phone and calls for a cab.

“But then again, it doesn’t really hurt that I hold onto the room, does it? I mean, this way you basically have your own room instead of being stuck with a roommate you can barely tolerate,” Will points out with a twinkle in his eye. “So, ya see, I’m doing you a favor.”

Jensen’s attention is drawn to his boyfriend when he snaps his phone closed, motioning to the door with his hand. Jensen smiles at his roommate before following Jared to the door. Will waves goodbye, a little unsure because of his and Jared’s first meeting, but Jared waves back easily with a friendly smile fixed firmly in place. Jensen tells his roomie that he will be right back and then he shuts the door behind him.

He can’t help the startled expression that crosses his features when Jared takes his hand in his own. His eyes are drawn down to their entwined fingers and he simply stares at them in fascinated wonder for a moment before sliding his eyes up to Jared’s. _He really is making an effort_ , Jensen acknowledges with a growing smile. _Maybe things will work out between us after all._

Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand, tossing a soft smile at him to show how much he appreciates this small gesture. If Jared is willing to do what it takes to make their relationship work this time around, well then Jensen can make the attempt to let the past go and give Jared a second chance. He is still hurt by what Jared did, will need time to regain his trust in the hazel-eyed man, but he can forgive and try to forget. He still loves Jared, with all his heart, so he figures he owes it to himself to take the chance. It is a risk, he could get hurt again, but it also may work out this time, and that is the reason he is reluctant to let the opportunity pass him by.

Jensen and Jared walk hand in hand out to the sidewalk to wait for Jared’s cab to show, sitting down on a bench in front of the campus. They sit side by side with virtually no space between them, thigh against thigh and shoulder pressed to shoulder. Jensen does nothing to hide the smile on his face, beaming brightly for Jared and the whole world to see. Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand reassuringly from where their hands rest against their thighs, fingers entwined.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot… Merry Christmas, Jen.” Jared speaks up suddenly, bright smile lighting up his face as he turns joyful eyes on Jensen.

Jensen’s eyes widen with recognition, he had forgotten all about what day it was. So much has been going on these past couple of days that he has lost track. He can’t help it when a small, pleased smile climbs onto his face though. “Merry Christmas, Jay,” he responds in kind, soft eyes trained on the taller man.

Jared looks up, hope in his eyes before glancing away to hide his suddenly troubled expression. “I’m sorry, Jen, for screwing up so bad.”

“Hey now, none of that,” Jensen uses his free hand to grasp Jared’s chin and force him to meet his eyes. “We’re starting over here, letting go of the past and giving this a second chance. How’re we supposed to do that when you say you’re sorry all the time?” His tone is light, almost teasing, but they both know he means every word.

“I know I sound like a broken record by now, but… I’m just so fuckin’ sorry, for everything I’ve put you through,” Jared sighs and turns his eyes to stare down at their hands, lightly running his thumb across the skin of Jensen’s left hand. “I’m so happy you’re giving me another chance, ‘cause I know I don’t deserve it, and I can’t tell you enough how happy I am to have you back… I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, I’m so damn ashamed of what I’ve done. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you but that is exactly what I did and I can’t take it back no matter how much I wish I could.”

“True, you can’t take it back… but you can make it up to me,” Jensen tells him quietly, smiling as reassuringly as he can. He is hurt by what Jared did but he doesn’t want him to beat himself up about it like this. Despite everything, Jared is a good person and he doesn’t deserve to carry this weight upon his shoulders forever.

“I will make it up to you, Jen. If it takes me my whole damn life I don’t care, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you,” Jared says firmly, resolutely. “I’ll be the boyfriend you deserve this time.”

Jensen is taken off guard when Jared suddenly pulls him into his arms, right there in front of the college campus, for everyone to see. Even he wasn’t expecting Jared to make such big steps, not so soon anyway. He is happy of course, just a little shocked. It is a pleasant surprise and he sincerely hopes Jared keeps this up because he could definitely get used to this treatment.

Jensen simply holds tightly to Jared, not wanting to let go, and closes his eyes happily when Jared buries his face in the crook of his neck. He idly runs the fingers of his right hand through Jared’s shaggy hair, loving the feel of the soft strands slipping through his fingers like a caress. Jared grasps onto Jensen like he will slip away if he loosens his hold and Jensen is struck by the desperation he can detect in the tension of his boyfriend’s body. He rubs his left hand up and down Jared’s back in a consoling fashion while whispering soothing words, trying to reassure his boyfriend, calm him down.

Jared pulls away only once his cab shows up and smiles a bit sheepishly as they both rise to their feet. Jared toes the ground self-consciously for a moment, looking unsure of himself, and then he takes a step towards Jensen. He frames Jensen’s face with those big paws of his and leans in slowly, capturing Jensen’s lips in a soft yet hesitant kiss. It doesn’t last very long, and their lips only brush together lightly and briefly like butterfly wings, but it is a bolder move than Jensen was expecting and he is grateful for the effort Jared is making.

Jared’s smile is more genuine and happy when he pulls back and there is practically a bounce to his step as he approaches his awaiting cab. Jensen watches in amusement, his boyfriend’s actions once again reminding him of those of an eager puppy. Jared pulls his long limbs into the backseat of the cab and turns to look at Jensen from the window. Jensen gives a little wave when the cab pulls away from the curb and is left standing there to watch until it disappears from view.

**:0Ж0:**

“Okay, so tell me, how is it that I got suckered into doing this with you?” Chris grumbles as they enter the air conditioned mall.

“Because Sophia is spending Christmas with her folks and you were the only one I could count on to go last minute shopping with me.” Jensen answers with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders as he eyes the shops as they walk past.

“Not true, I’m sure Steve would’ve been more than happy to do this with you. So, I ask again, why am _I_ here?” Chris crosses his arms over his chest and gives Jensen a scowl as he reluctantly follows him alongside the row of shops lining the upper level of the mall.

Jensen heaves a heavy sigh and gives his friend a suffering stare. He should have known Chris wouldn’t do this for him without bitching and complaining the whole time. _He’s like a petulant child_ , Jensen thinks to himself, half out of amusement and half out of annoyance.

“Come on Chris, I really need your help, okay? I need to find something for Jared for Christmas and I could really use your opinion. I know I’d usually ask Sophia to help me with things like this, but she isn’t here right now and I’m kind of out of options.” Jensen sighs and gives his friend a pleading look.

Chris rolls his eyes. “Fine, whatever, I’ll help ya if it means that much to you.”

Jensen nods his head, smiling his gratitude, and then proceeds to drag Chris into a decent sized store. He isn’t quite sure what to get Jared for Christmas; he wants his gift to hold meaning but he has no idea as of yet what that is going to be. Clothes and CDs and movies seem too impersonal and besides, Jared could get those any day of the week if he chose to.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen feels like crying out in frustration when three whole hours go by and he still hasn’t even an inkling of what to get Jared. He drops down onto the nearest bench and covers his face wearily with the palms of his hands. He can feel Chris plop down beside him, can feel the reciprocated frustration coming off his friend in waves, but he doesn’t lift his head to acknowledge him.

“Look son, I think you’re going about this whole gift idea the wrong way, and you’re thinking way too hard on this. I think the kind of gift you’re looking for can’t be bought in any store, at least not the heart of it anyway. You should go for something simpler but heartfelt at the same time,” Chris suggests, nudging Jensen in the side to grab his full attention.

“Yeah, and what would you suggest?” Jensen sighs, looking up at his friend tiredly.

“I dunno…” Chris appears uncomfortable at the emotional topic but trudges onward regardless. “You could make him a mix tape of all the songs that remind you of him, or of all the songs you can remember that were playing at memorable moments. You could also make a scrapbook of photos taken of the two of ya. Or you could write him a song and frame it.”

Jensen is silent for a moment as he mulls these ideas over in his head, and the more he thinks about them the more appealing they sound. Jared really isn’t a hard person to please, and a mix tape or a scrapbook would mean more to him than anything Jensen could find at any store. Sure, Jensen can’t help but blush at the thought of giving such a meaningful thing to Jared, is a little nervous about Jared’s reaction, but he _really_ likes the idea.

“You know, they are actually really good ideas,” Jensen says slowly, voice full of wonder and excitement.

“Of course they are,” Chris nods his head, smug smile firmly in place. “I know what I’m talking about.” He shrugs nonchalantly, but the smug grin remains on his face.

“Would you mind helping me put something together?” Jensen asks hopefully. “I know that isn’t really your thing, and I’d ask Steve but I’m kinda running short on time right now.”

Chris gives a long suffering sigh, scowling at Jensen even as he nods his head. “Alright, I can help you, but don’t tell anyone ‘cause then they’ll think I’ve gone soft.”

Jensen chuckles, giving a slight shake of his head, and levels a mock-serious stare on his friend. “Your secret’s safe with me. Your manly status will still be intact after you help me.”

“Shut up, dweeb,” Chris rolls his eyes as they stand up and gives a little shove to Jensen’s shoulder, making him laugh heartily. “So, what exactly are you going to do for the friendly giant?”

“I like that scrapbook idea you came up with. I have enough pictures that I managed not to burn that would work great for it.” Jensen blushes slightly as he says this. The thought had crossed his mind, burning the pictures of him and Jared, but in the end he just couldn’t do it. A large part of him had always been holding onto Jared and he just couldn’t bear the thought of losing those memories they made together.

“I know I haven’t said it yet but I’m glad you and Jay worked things out. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll beat him to within an inch of his life if he hurts you again, but I really am glad to see you two together,” Chris says sincerely, a soft smile playing on his lips. “He makes you smile, _really_ smile, not the fake one you threw around when you were with that Justin guy. I haven’t seen you this happy in months and it’s a damn good sight son.”

“I am happy,” Jensen speaks softly, mostly to himself, surprised to find that it is true. “I’m still not sure it’s going to work out for us, but I’m willing to take the chance if he is, ya know? I’d probably regret it if I didn’t.”

“There ain’t no ‘probably’ about it son, you _would_ regret it and you know it,” Chris laughs as he throws and arm around Jensen’s shoulder and guides him towards the mall exit. “You’ve had it bad for that boy since day one and I don’t see that likely to change any time soon.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Jensen responds sourly, though the smile lighting up his face and the laughter on the edge of his lips belies his words. “You’re right, I’ve been enamored with him from the moment I laid eyes on him.”

“Son, you worry me. Who says words like ‘enamored’ in normal conversation?” Chris rolls his eyes and Jensen can’t help the laughter that rushes out of him like a dam bursting.

“Shut up! Quit picking on me or I’ll tell everyone about the big softy you really are inside,” Jensen warns, more amusement coloring his tone than any real threat.

“Whatever,” Chris responds, waving a hand dismissively, “Let’s just get this done so I can spend _some_ time with my boy on Christmas, okay?”

Jensen doesn’t answer verbally, just nods his head and allows Chris to guide him toward his truck. They make a stop at Wal-Mart so Jensen can buy a scrapbook and some wrapping paper before heading to the dorm with just enough time to get everything ready before Jared shows up.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen assesses his appearance in the mirror, eyes roaming over his reflection critically. The sleeves of his white shirt reach past the middle of his hands, the texture soft and thin. He grabs his gray and white plaid button down shirt and places it over the long-sleeved one he is currently wearing, a pleased smile crossing his features at the nice combination this makes. The blue jeans he decided to wear are fairly new, only a couple of months old, and fit snugly to his hips, accentuating his ass. He is sure Jared will take notice and that is really what he wants to achieve.

Heading into the bathroom, he grabs his bottle of hair gel and pours some into the palm of his hand before running it through his hair, styling it just the way he wants it. He just recently got a haircut, it grew too long during the listless months after Jared left him and now it has returned to the shorter crop that it was when he first moved to California. He leaves his bangs hanging over his forehead, styled in a purposefully lazy fashion.

He trades his glasses for his contacts before leaving the bathroom and switches on his one-disc portable stereo as he passes it. The sounds of Garth Brooks fills the silence as Jensen takes a seat on his bed, one leg tucked underneath him, and pulls out his journal. It has been a while since he has written an entry and, now that he has a little time to spare, he figures it would be a good time to make one before Jared arrives.

 

_December 25th, 2000_

_I still can’t believe all that has happened in only the matter of three months. Jared and I are back together. I’m still finding it a little hard to believe, I had truly believed what we had was over and done with, I never thought we could get it back. But, here we are. I hope to God it lasts this time but I can’t deny having my doubts and fears. He says he loves me, and I believe him, but I can’t help being afraid, waiting for the day he decides it’s not worth it, we’re not worth it, and breaks up with me again. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t be so insecure, but I can’t help it. He hurt me once, who’s to say he won’t do it again?_

_I may have my doubts but that doesn’t mean I’m about to give up on him just yet. He has honestly made the effort to give me what I need in this relationship. He has held my hand and kissed me in public, and I know how big of a step that is for him, so I know he is trying. I really can’t ask any more of him. The fact that he is making the effort shows how much he does in fact care about me so that alone is enough for me to take one last chance on him._

_Besides all that, today is obviously Christmas… our first one spent together. It is kind of last minute, since we only just got back together last night, but I plan to make it as memorable as I possibly can. I was glad to see Wal-Mart was still open otherwise I would have been pretty much screwed. I think Jared will like his present… well, I hope he will, anyway._

_I still haven’t told Mack that he and I are back together but I know I’m gonna have to make that call pretty soon because she will want to know. I have to find time to call her today anyway, to wish her a Merry Christmas so I guess I will just tell her then. I know she will be happy to hear the good news but I can also expect her to threaten bodily harm to Jared should he hurt me again. Overprotective little sisters are great! God I miss her, I‘ll have to-_

 

Jensen closes his notebook mid-sentence when a knock sounds at the door and immediately butterflies start fluttering their wings in the pit of his stomach. He tells himself to stop being stupid and acting like a teenage girl over Jared as he stands up to let the taller man in. Jared greets him with a bright smile and a plastic bag filled with containers of home cooked food. Jensen hadn’t been expecting Jared to cook for him so this is definitely a pleasant surprise.

He motions Jared inside and takes the bags off his hands, placing them on his computer desk. Jared takes a seat at the end of his bed, looking for all the world like he belongs there, and fixes his hazel eyes on Jensen as Jensen takes the food out of the bags. Jensen flushes under the close scrutiny but hides his face from Jared’s view, using the food as his excuse. Jared doesn’t say anything, just contents himself with watching every move Jensen makes.

“This looks really good Jared,” Jensen says as he looks at the meal in front of him - pot roast, baked potatoes and carrots.

“It’s nothing special.” Jared blushes at the compliment, sliding his eyes away from Jensen’s bashfully.

“Yeah, it really is,” Jensen counters with a smile. “How did you find the time to make it?”

“I started making it the moment I got home… I just thought you’d like some real food instead of take-out, and I remembered how much you liked it the last time I cooked for you, so… I just thought it’d make you happy.” Jared shrugs self-consciously, picking at a loose thread on the hem of his pale blue and white sweater.

“I am happy,” Jensen says reassuringly as he drops to his knees in front of Jared and takes his face between his palms, whispering, “Thanks for doing this for me, Jay, I know how much work you put into it.”

“You’re welcome,” Jared whispers back before Jensen’s lips take possession of his mouth, kissing him softly and gently, not adding much pressure but still managing to feel breathless once they part.

“I got ya something,” Jensen says as he stands up and moves to the side of his bed, pulling out Jared’s gift from beneath it.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Jen, I’m just happy to be here with you,” Jared protests lightly even as he takes the present from Jensen’s hands.

“Just shut up and open it,” Jensen scolds with a smile as he takes a seat next to Jared on the bed, watching him nervously for his reaction.

Jared slowly removes the wrapping paper, treating it with great care as though it were a fragile antique rather than a gift. Jensen watches in amused anticipation, getting a little irritated because of the nerves assailing him. _Come on already_ , Jensen urges in his mind, wringing his hands nervously.

When Jared finally sets the wrapping paper aside, his eyes scan over the light brown surface of the scrapbook and his mouth falls open when he turns the cover. His wide, expressive eyes scan over the contents of the first page, each photograph taking him back in time. Jensen leans into him to see the picture that has captured his attention. Tom is glaring at Mike who is trying to climb him like a monkey and Jensen is smiling widely at the camera while Jared’s eyes are glued to him, a soft fondness in his eyes that the camera brought into startling clarity.

“You really shocked me when you told me you’d never been to Disneyland.” Jared lifts his eyes and locks them with Jensen’s.

“Yeah, well, you hid it nicely, thank you.” Jensen smiles.

“I remember the look on the tourist’s face who took the picture for us,” Jared laughs at the memory. “I think he was a little afraid of Mike.”

“That man is an acquired taste,” Jensen agrees with a nod of his head. “I wouldn’t have him any other way though.”

“I remember when this was taken,” Jared points to a photo of them sitting on a blanket, Jared’s arms wrapped around him as he leans back against his chest, identical smiles of joy pasted on their faces, the blue ocean in the background.

Jensen nods his head, smiling softly at the fond memory. “The weekend of my birthday, at Sophia’s family beach house. That was the best weekend of my life.”

“We made love for the first time at that house,” Jared says, his eyes alight with warmth and his smile soft, reminiscent.

Jared flips through the pages, stopping every now and then to gaze at a photo for a moment or two before moving on. “This is amazing, Jen,” Jared breathes once he reaches the last picture and turns to face Jensen, eyes bright with emotion. “Thank you, I love it.”

Jensen’s smile is shy as he says, “I’m glad you like it. There’s enough room for you to add more pictures, as you can see… anything you find worth remembering.”

“Every minute with you is worth remembering,” Jared whispers as he takes hold of Jensen’s hand and entwines their fingers.

Jensen snickers at this. “Could you be any cheesier, Jay?”

“Don’t tempt me, you’ll wind up seeing how cheesy I can get,” Jared threatens with a laugh and then he pulls something out of his pocket. “I couldn’t get you anything for Christmas ‘cause I was a dumb-ass and waited till the last minute, but I hope you like this.”

Jensen opens his hand and Jared places a watch in the center of his palm. It is just a simple silver watch, but it is old and Jensen can tell there is sentimental value to it by the look in Jared’s eyes. He allows his boyfriend to take the watch from him and place it on his right wrist.

“I know it’s probably not what you were expecting as a Christmas gift, being old and all, but it was my grandfather’s and it means a lot to me,” Jared says as he snaps the clasp into place and runs his fingers over Jensen’s wrist in a soft caress.

“No, this is great Jared, honestly. But… are you sure you want me to have it? I mean, it was your grandfather’s. It was given to you, and you love it, you should keep it.” Jensen gives Jared an unsure look.

“I want you to have it,” Jared responds firmly. “You’re special to me and I want you to have something that means a lot to me, I know you’ll take good care of it.”

“Of course, I’ll treasure it like I do my ring,” Jensen replies, running his thumb over the ring in question, remembering the night Jared gave it to him.

“Also, I called my mom after I left this morning and got her to book us a flight to Texas. I thought we could spend New Years in San Antonio, I hope you don’t mind. She thinks we’re just friends, for the time being, but I’d really like you to meet my family. While we’re there, at some point I want to tell them about me, about us, but I really need you there for that. I’ll need your support,” Jared says this with fear, but has silent determination in his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” Jensen asks carefully. “And I thought you couldn’t afford to go home this year.”

Jared nods his head. “It’s time; I’ve held off long enough, and my parents need to know. Besides, I’d really like them to know who I love. I’m not ashamed of you, Jen, and I don’t want you thinking that I am. Also, my parents are lending me the money, I’ll pay them back when I can. I really don’t want to wait or put this on hold lest I lose my nerve.”

“Okay,” Jensen says softly, giving Jared a reassuring smile. “I’ll be right there beside you when you tell them.”

The smile that grows on Jared’s face is bright and grateful and Jensen happily allows himself to be pulled into a tight embrace. He holds onto Jared just as tightly, closing his eyes with a soft sigh of contentment. He is a little shocked by this turn of events; Jared is going to tell his parents about them, but he honestly couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to be falling into place, just the way it was supposed to be from the very beginning, and he is feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. _Better late than never_ , he thinks to himself before clearing his mind of all thoughts as Jared’s lips find his.


	19. Finding Hope in Strange Places

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Eighteen:**  
 _Finding Hope in Strange Places_  
-~*~-

December 29th, 2000

Jensen can admit he is a little nervous about meeting Jared’s parents, Jared’s family. His palms have been sweating since they boarded the plane and he feels oddly jittery. This is what he has wanted all along, after all. To meet Jared’s family, and eventually be introduced as his boyfriend, that is all he has wanted for quite some time now. He is still a little overwhelmed by it all, can’t quite believe he is here. He had been pleased to know Jared was willing to take the necessary steps to be with him, but he never expected the man to go to this length. He certainly hadn’t asked Jared to come out to his family, not yet anyway.

Now that he can entertain the notion, however, he can admit he has wanted this all along, for Jared to step up and show that he is proud of them rather than ashamed. The more he thinks about what they are about to do, what _Jared_ wants to do for them, the more excited he becomes. It has occurred to him that this confession could go south, Jared’s parents’ reaction could be less than favorable, but he is hoping desperately that they take the news better than his parents did.

He has heard many wonderful things about Jared’s family, and he is eager to meet them in person. His mom especially, sounds like a wonderful woman and he is most definitely looking forward to meeting her above all. From what Jared has told him, she sounds like a very caring and loving mom, every trait his own mom had been known to have, before she turned her back on him.

_Best not to think about her, you’re about to meet Jay’s family, don’t let anything ruin or dampen that_ , he tells himself silently as he follows Jared through the airport terminal, fellow passengers uncomfortably close to him. He does his best to keep up with Jared’s long legs, eager to get out of such a confining space, away from crowds of busy people.

He has never done well with crowds of any kind, even this kind, the experience always makes him feel awkward and strange in his own skin. He has never enjoyed too much attention and, as irrational as it is, he can’t help but feel like there are a million eyes scrutinizing him when he is amongst large crowds. He knows that logically no one is paying him any mind, too concerned with their own business to give him more than a passing glance, but he can’t help how uncomfortable it always makes him feel. Focusing on Jared helps though.

Reaching the main area of the airport, Jensen feels like he can breathe a little easier and quickly follows his boyfriend to the front entrance. They stop briefly at a vending machine, buying two bottles of Coke, before heading outside to find an available taxi. Jared, tall as he is, basically towers over everyone around them and easily grabs hold of the cab nearest them before anyone else even has a fair chance. Jensen drops his lone duffel bag into the trunk before the cabbie slams it shut and he and Jared climb into the backseat.

Jared easily rattles off the directions to his house as Jensen slumps down into his seat, feeling exhaustion for the first time. The plane ride hadn’t exactly been a long one but Jensen has had quite some time to work himself up for this visit and now he is feeling the effects of that. Lazy and lethargic, Jensen leans back against the seat next to Jared, their arms pressed together, and he allows himself to rest his eyes for just a moment.

He can feel Jared’s body heat seeping through to his skin, even through layers of clothing, and it comforts him as much as it sends a pleasant shiver down his spine. The rocking motion of the cab as it picks up speed is more relaxing than an annoyance and Jensen knows he would have no trouble at all falling asleep if he would allow himself the pleasure. He figures that might do him more harm than good however. He may be tired now but being woken up after dozing for a half an hour at the most? He would feel dead, would be overly tired the rest of the day, and that just isn’t worth a cat nap, no matter how tempting it is.

Forcing his heavy lidded eyes to open, he stifles a yawn and watches the passing scenery disinterestedly for a moment, a small smile appearing on his face as he acknowledges that this is the place Jared grew up. He can’t help feeling like a complete dork for getting so girly over seeing Jared’s hometown, the fact that the shaggy-haired man spent his childhood here bringing a goofy smile to his face.

“Hey, Jen, can I talk to you a minute?” Jared asks, keeping his voice low and private so as to not be heard by the driver.

Lazy movement, Jensen swivels his head to the side to face his boyfriend and pastes a curious expression on his face. “Sure Jare, what’s on your mind?”

“I know us coming here is a big deal, and we’re here with a purpose,” he begins, nervous expression clear on his features, “but can we hold off on telling my parents that you’re my boyfriend?”

“You want to introduce me as your friend?” Jensen asks, not unkindly or upset, just a genuine curiosity.

“I kind of want to get settled in first and find the right time to tell them, ya know? I don’t think springing it on them would be the best idea, especially since I know they’ll be really excited to see me after such a long time,” Jared explains, looking hopeful yet unsure, clearly afraid Jensen will be put off and upset by this. “Will you be okay with that?”

“Yeah, of course, I can understand that,” Jensen reassures him with a kind smile, aching to reach out and grab his hand but aware that might freak him out. “I’m really glad you want to tell them about us, but we can tell them when you’re ready, we have all week to find the right way to do this.”

A smile steadily pulls at Jared’s lips, grateful and happy, and he lets out a little sigh as he closes his eyes and slouches down in his seat. Jensen watches him for a long moment, hoping he isn’t too obvious about what Jared means to him. He forces his eyes away, lest the cabbie get suspicious, and sets his sight on the view outside his window. It is sweltering in the taxi, his shirt already clinging to his back and making him uncomfortable. A shower will definitely be in order sometime after they arrive at Jared’s parents’ house.

He hasn’t told Mackenzie about this little trip because she will just bitch him out for not even considering dropping by for a visit. It has been going on two years since he last saw his parents and he still isn’t sure he is ready to face them again. He knows he should be a man and not let them scare him away from his childhood home, from his sister, but the mere thought of going home even for a visit makes him feel physically sick to his stomach. The tension his visit would inevitably cause puts him ill at ease and he doesn’t think he could take their rejection a second time around.

_Yeah, you’re not a chicken at all_ , his inner voice mocks him unapologetically and he can’t deny the truth in those words. He knows he should square his shoulders, head home for the first time since he left and didn’t look back, and look his parents straight in the eyes as he tells them he is taking his sister out for lunch. He can almost imagine the looks on their faces, and that’s what sends a shiver down his spine.

He is pulled from his disheartening thoughts by a warm hand on his arm and when he turns his head he is met by knowing hazel irises. “Don’t do that, don’t let them ruin another thing for you,” Jared tells him softly but firmly at the same time. “Texas is your home, Jen, don’t let them take it from you. If you have to, make new memories, ones that make you want to come back rather than run away as fast as you can.”

He lets out a sigh slowly, pushing all thoughts of his family into the deepest recesses of his mind, and does his best to give Jared a believable smile. “I won’t let them ruin this visit for me, don’t worry.” If he doesn’t sound as sure as he’d like, well, neither of them point it out.

**:0Ж0:**

When they pull up to Jared’s childhood home Jensen is relieved and jumps out of the cab almost before the taxi even comes to a full stop, stretching his legs out. The backseats of cabs just weren’t designed for people with legs as long as theirs; he can imagine how stiff and achy Jared is feeling about right now. He sends his boyfriend a sympathetic smile when he sees Jared’s face scrunch up in displeasure, stretching his body to its limits to get out all the kinks.

Once they are finished stretching they make their way over to the trunk where the driver is pulling out their bags. They take their luggage off his hands, thanking him politely, just as they were raised to do, and then slowly make their way up the worn driveway. They have only taken a few steps when the front door suddenly flies open and two dogs barrel past a woman whom Jensen assumes is Jared’s mom.

Jared laughs heartily when he is nearly bowled over by the over eager dogs, reaching down to pet and scratch behind their ears. The dogs eat up his attention for a moment longer before catching sight of Jensen and moving towards him to investigate. They sniff at his shoes and pants before seemingly deeming him trustworthy, one of them licking at his hands happily while the other just sort of eyes him.

“The one washing your hand is Harley and the ol’ girl eyeing ya is Sadie; they’re my babies,” Jared informs him with a hint of pride in his voice that Jensen finds endearing.

Jared has told him all about these dogs, his babies as he puts it, and it is nice to finally see them for himself. Knowing how much they mean to his boyfriend has always made Jensen yearn to meet them. Jared has always had nice stories to tell about his dogs, talks about them nonstop sometimes in fact. Harley seems to have welcomed him openly while Sadie still appears a bit uncertain. They both sound like great dogs, from what Jared has told him, but he can already tell he will be drawn to Harley the most.

He lifts his attention away from the dogs and watches as Jared is pulled into a bone crushing embrace. His boyfriend laughs happily as he wraps his arms around his mom and hugs her back just as tightly. There is an ache in Jensen’s chest that he doesn’t want to acknowledge as he watches Jared with his mom. He can’t help wishing his own mom would greet him with such blatant happiness if he were to return home for a visit. He knows that isn’t going to happen though. He is the black sheep of the family, the disappointment, as far as his parents are concerned anyway.

“It’s so good to see you, J.T. I was so disappointed when you told me you couldn‘t make it out for Christmas this year,” his mom says with emotion, joy clear on her features when she pulls back and holds him at arms length, giving him a once-over. “You’re looking good, if not a bit thin, got a tan and everything… California’s been good to you. Nice to see you’ve been taking care of yourself, you know how much I worry with you so far away from home.”

Jensen smiles a bit self-consciously when she turns her head and eyes him curiously, if not a bit critically. Jared watches the exchange for a second before motioning Jensen closer to them. Jensen moves immediately, dogs close behind, and stops beside his boyfriend. “Mom, this is Jensen, my friend I told you about.” Jared introduces them with a grin, placing a hand on Jensen’s back casually.

“Jared’s only had nice things to say, it’s nice to meet you, Jensen,” Her eyes are filled with warmth as she speaks, reaching her hand out to him. “I’ve wanted to meet you ever since Jared first told me about you and him rooming together.”

“Likewise, ma’am,” Jensen responds politely out of habit as he shakes her hand.

“Now, none of that ma’am or Mrs. Padalecki nonsense, it’s not necessary. Please, call me Sharon,” she scolds lightly with a smile that reminds him instantly of Jared’s lifting her lips. “How ’bout we get you two settled and then you can have a slice of my homemade apple pie, hmm?”

The look on Jared’s face is one of pure delight, near salivating at the mention of his mama’s homemade pie, and the sight produces laughter from Jensen. Jared glares at him for it but it only manages to make Jensen laugh harder.

“Shut up,” Jared huffs. “Just wait till you taste my mama’s pie, you won’t be mocking me then cause I’m telling ya, it’s just like heaven.”

“I don’t doubt that, Jay,” Jensen responds, trying to stifle a chuckle at the blissful expression on his boyfriend’s face. “Now, let’s do as your mom suggested so I can taste this infamous pie.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s infamous, but I’ve had no complaints yet,” Sharon replies humbly as they follow her into the house.

“Don’t sell yourself short, mom, your pie is delicious and you know it,” Jared says, blissful look still on his face, making Sharon smirk at Jensen and roll her eyes.

Jensen immediately feels comfortable around her; it is kind of hard not to when she’s so nice. She just has a way of putting you at ease and making you feel right at home. He is grateful for this, since he usually feels uncomfortable and out of place in other peoples’ homes until he gets to know them better. It gives him hope for this visit, makes him believe it will go better than he could have hoped for.

Sharon leads them to a door off to the side of the staircase and they follow her inside as she flips on a light. It is quite homey, with scenic pictures placed strategically around the room, a mahogany dresser against one wall and a matching bed frame and vanity. The room has a sense of comfort to it that most guest rooms don’t have, yet you can still see that it is a guest room by the lack of tell-tale signs of personal possessions.

“I hope you don’t mind sleeping in here during your stay. I’d offer you one of the rooms upstairs but Jeff came into town when he heard Jared was visiting and this is the only available room in the house.” Sharon looks truly apologetic as she says this, as though Jensen is expecting special treatment or something even though they’ve only just met.

“This is more than fine, it’s a nice room and I assure you I’ll be most comfortable in here.” Jensen responds with a smile, a drawl of Texan accent slipping into his tone by surprise.

Sharon relaxes almost immediately, genuine smile placed on her face. “J.T., you didn’t tell me he was from Texas,” she says, swatting at his arm admonishingly. “We’ll have to have a good ol’ fashioned barbeque while you boys are here.”

“Sounds good, mom,” Jared responds with a fond grin.

“Alright, you two get settled and then meet me in the kitchen,” she says before backing out of the room.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared hadn’t been lying; the pie is absolutely, by far, the best pie he has tasted in a long time. He has never been a fan of apple pie but Sharon just may have changed his opinion on the matter. He has to catch himself as a moan threatens to break free when the pie explodes on his tongue, sweet with a touch of cinnamon. The fact that it is still warm and fresh from the oven makes it even better. His own mom has never been much of a baker, her specialty lies in homemade lasagna and meatloaf.

That is the only thing about this trip that is making him regret ever coming here; he can’t stop thinking about his family. Being miles away from Texas, it is easy to put his family in the back of his mind, but being around Jared’s family brings such thoughts to the forefront and he can’t avoid them no matter how hard he tries. It makes him realize just how much he misses his mom and dad, how hurt he is by their rejection, hurt by their abandonment.

It has been a long time since he has had to call the house directly to talk to his sister and there isn’t a doubt in his mind that if he were to call his mom would be awkward and his dad might not even talk to him, just like he didn’t before. He can’t deny how much that hurts, even though he has tried to tell himself time and time again that he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t need them if they can turn their backs on him so easily. He does need them though, and that’s why this is so difficult, why it cuts him so deeply even to this day.

Jensen manages to devour the rest of his pie without even realizing, too caught up in his thoughts, and rises to take it to the sink. Sharon is at his side almost immediately however, taking the plate out of his hands and demanding that he is a guest in their home and guests have privileges that the others in the house don’t have.

“Don’t worry, by your next visit you won’t be a guest anymore, you’ll be family, and you’ll be put to all sorts of work.” She winks at him taking the plate to the sink.

Jared smirks at him when he sees the blush Jensen is currently sporting and Jensen has to stop himself from whapping him upside the head. He can’t seem to stop blushing around Sharon and Jared is openly enjoying his embarrassment. There are ways Jensen can punish him for it though, and the thought alone brings a smirk to his own face. Jared’s eyes widen in understanding when he catches on and he gives him a pleading look that says, “Now Jen, don’t be like that.”

“So, I bet you have a ton of embarrassing stories to tell about Jared, don’t ya?” He directs this at Megan who is sitting across from him at the table.

She blushes at the attention, like she has been doing nonstop since she met him, and nods her head enthusiastically. “I’ve got a load of stories on this big oaf, not to mention pictures,” she says with a wicked gleam in her eye that makes Jared blanch.

“Don’t you dare!” Jared warns with a growl, making Megan smile innocently.

“There’s one of him naked in the bathtub when he was four,” Jeff speaks up nonchalantly, though he does nothing to hide the impish smile on his face. “I think that’d be the perfect one to drag out for old time’s sake.”

Jared looks between his brother and sister, disbelief plain as day. “I hate you both,” he grumbles unhappily. “If either of you even thinks about showing Jen that picture I will not hesitate to kill you.”

“You might have turned out to be a giant J.T., but I can certainly still kick your ass, make no mistake.” Jeff responds with a shit-eating grin that leaves Jared gawking at him, eyes round like an owl.

“I’m gonna go get it.” Megan jumps up and runs from the room.

“You better not, Meg, not if you want to live to see another day!” Jared yells as he runs after his sister.

They all sit there in silence for a moment before a squeal is heard from somewhere in the house. “Guess that’s my cue to save Megan from Jared’s wrath,” Jeff huffs as he rises from his chair, a grin spreading across his face, ready to join in on the fight.

“Nice to have the whole family home again, almost forgot what it was like having my kids act like hooligans.” Sharon sighs but there is a fondness in her eyes as she takes a seat at the table once more.

Distant sounds of scuffling and curses and yells can be heard from the kitchen, making Jerry, Jared’s dad, chuckle and smile knowingly at Jensen. “So, Jensen, how do you like California?” he asks, sounding genuinely curious.

Jensen shrugs. “It’s nice, a lot better than I expected it to be. I’ve actually grown to love it there, it’s a nice place to live, and I can easily see myself settling down there.”

“Where in Texas are you from exactly?”

Jensen shifts in his seat, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is headed but unsure how to deflect it without drawing suspicion or inadvertently offending Jared’s dad. “I’m from Richardson.”

From the expression on Jerry’s face Jensen can see that he approves. “Ah, nice town, I’ve been there a few times,” he says while nodding his head. “It’s the kind of place I wouldn’t have minded raising my family if we didn’t love San Antonio so much. You’ll have to get Jared to show you around while you’re here.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Jensen responds quietly, looking down at the table and hoping to God Jerry doesn’t catch on to his reluctance to discuss anything relating to his hometown.

“Richardson is a fine town though, can’t imagine why you’d choose California over such a friendly place as that,” Jerry says, not unkindly, just kind of surprised. “You sure California is truly the place you want to settle down? I mean, don’t you miss your home at all?”

“Sure, I mean, I do at times. I dunno, I guess LA has grown on me and feels just as much like home as Richardson does, if not more.” Jensen explains the best that he can without getting irrationally defensive.

Jerry nods his head, slowly comprehending this. “I guess I can understand that, wherever you feel most comfortable, right? I bet your family is real proud of you for going out and making something of yourself, finding your direction in life and not letting anything hold you back.”

The smile on his face puts Jensen more at ease and he merely nods his head, sending Sharon a silent ‘thanks’ when she changes the subject. The concern on her face tells him that while he may have avoided raising Jerry’s suspicion, she wasn’t so easily fooled. He just hopes she doesn’t ask him about it later because he honestly doesn’t know if he’d have the strength to explain.

**:0Ж0:**

It’s not until after dinner that Jensen finds the time to slip away and try to get his thoughts in order, or at least find a way to deal with them. He really doesn’t want his family to ruin his visit but that is exactly what will happen if he continues with this somber mood he has been in since he arrived. He wants to enjoy his time here, get to know Jared’s family with nothing else on his mind, but so far he has allowed his trouble at home to dominate his every thought. Doesn’t matter what he’s doing, something always reminds him of ‘home’ and it’s starting to grate on his nerves.

Quietly, he sneaks off to the backyard, sliding the glass door behind him near silently. He takes in a deep breath of the cool night air and lowers himself into a lawn chair off to the right of him. He knows he probably should have told Jared he was coming out here, just so he would know where to find him, but Jared had been in the middle of spending quality time with his brother and sister and Jensen didn’t want to intrude.

Jensen realizes in dismay that his parents have too much control over him if they have the power to dampen his mood when he is in the middle of doing something he has waited so long for. He never wanted to give them such power over him, didn’t even realize he did until he came back to Texas and was faced with a family that reminded him so much of his own. He can’t help feeling like everything he had come to think of his family had never really been true. He had thought they would support him through anything, love him no matter what, but he had been wrong. So maybe his family isn’t as much like Jared’s as he’d assumed.

He still has his brother and sister, and is grateful to still have them in his life, but he can’t help yearning for his parents love as well. That doesn’t seem greedy to him at all since they are his family. He needs their love and support, no matter how much he wishes he didn’t at times. That right there might be why he is having such a hard time accepting things the way they are. He didn’t expect his parents to accept his sexuality right away, was willing to wait for them to adjust, but they weren’t even willing to try. That is what hurts him the most; they don’t love him enough to at least try for his sake. No, instead they cast him aside like some abomination.

The worst part of all is that he knows he would eventually forgive them if they just asked for it and were willing to _try_ to accept him for who he is.

Jensen lets out a sigh and covers his face with his hands, tired of feeling this way and sick of the bleak thoughts floating through his head. He knows it is useless to wish for things that are never going to happen and he just wants these damn thoughts to leave him the hell alone. He is tired of hurting himself time and time again, just wants to move on and put the past behind him. That is kind of hard to do when the past keeps finding ways of haunting him.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?”

Jensen’s head snaps up at the sound of Jared’s voice, surprised that he hadn’t heard him approach until now. Jensen is sure something on his face must give away his train of thought because Jared is looking at him with concern written all over his features. He releases a sigh, motioning vaguely to the lawn chair next to him, and Jared instantly takes the unspoken invitation.

“I just needed some air, no reason to worry.” Jensen finally answers Jared’s question.

Jared eyes him for a moment, searching for signs of honesty. His brow creases a second later so Jensen believes it is safe to assume he isn’t doing too good a job of hiding his emotions. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting strange all day, I’d go so far as to say you’re withdrawn. You’re not regretting coming here, are you?”

“No that’s not it, trust me, I just… I have a lot on my mind at the moment,” Jensen replies, lowering his eyes to stare down at his hands.

“You’re thinking about your parents, aren’t you?” Jared asks softly, sympathy in the depths of his eyes as he rests a hand on Jensen’s shoulder in show of support.

“It’s just… I dunno, seeing you with your family… I can’t help but think about my own parents, ya know?” Jensen sighs and looks up at Jared once more, pleading silently for him to understand the thoughts going through his head. “I’ve been trying so hard not to think about them but the thoughts won’t stop!”

“It’s okay to miss them, Jen. What they did to you was cruel, but I can understand how you could miss them despite all that.”

“I don’t want to miss them,” Jensen says, voice firm but anguished. “After all the hurt they caused, I don’t want to miss them… I want to hate them for how they’ve treated me, but… most of all I just miss them. How messed up is that?”

“I don’t think it’s messed up at all. In fact, I think it’s pretty normal,” Jared whispers, eyes intense as he locks them with Jensen’s. “No matter what they did, they’re still your parents, and you’re always going to love them.”

Jensen’s lower lip trembles as tears fill his eyes, nodding his head slowly. “Why don’t they love me, Jared?” he asks almost desperately, needing an answer that Jared can’t provide.

“I don’t know, Jen,” Jared responds, sounding torn as he pulls Jensen into his arms, holding onto him tightly. Jensen burrows into the comforting warmth of his boyfriend and closes his eyes, breath coming out hitched and in pants. “I can tell you that they don’t deserve you though. They don’t deserve you at all. If they can’t see you for the amazing person that you are then that’s their loss.”

Jensen doesn’t respond, too choked up to form anything even resembling words. He is grateful for what Jared has said and he tries to show his appreciation by holding onto his boyfriend just a bit tighter, hoping his message is received. They might have their problems right now, still need to patch things up between them, regain that trust that was lost along the way, but to this day Jared still knows how to cheer him up and comfort him like no other. Jensen can’t help but find that reassuring.

“You _are_ loved though, Jen, I hope you know that,” Jared continues whispering in his ear, soothing tones that gradually put Jensen at ease. “I know it’s not the same, and it doesn’t take away the pain, but you are loved… you’re loved by me, and I hope that’s enough.”

**:0Ж0:**

December 31st, 2000

Leaning against the wall in the living room with a plastic red cup filled to the brim, Jensen scans the area with his eyes, taking in newly familiar faces and plenty of unfamiliar ones. The Padalecki’s sure know how to throw a New Years Eve party, that is painstakingly clear. He catches sight of Jared at the opposite end of the room, talking animatedly with a friend from high school. His name is Tracy, Jensen believes. He seems like a decent guy, from what Jensen can tell. He hadn’t spoken to the guy very much to get much of an opinion about him.

Jared’s grin is spread from ear to ear as he gestures wildly with his hands, obviously in the midst of recalling a fond memory or telling Tracy a story from college. Jensen is near mesmerized by watching his boyfriend, the man is just so happy right now, and obviously on his way to one hell of a hangover in the morning. Jensen can’t help but chuckle at the thought, knowing he is going to have one whiny and grumpy boyfriend on his hands by morning.

Jensen lifts the cup to his lips and the tangy taste of a margarita explodes on his tongue a second later. Smacking his lips, a smile forms on his face, knowing he will have a bitch of a hangover coming his way too if he keeps downing these margaritas like he has been doing since the party began. He can’t help it though, they are damn good. Sharon certainly knows how to make drinks and he plans on enjoying them while he can.

“You having a good time?” Jeff asks, sidling up beside him, leaning back against the wall and sweeping his eyes around the room.

“Yeah, actually, I am. Though I suspect I’ll come to regret all these margaritas tomorrow.” He grimaces as he says this, drawing an amused smile to Jeff’s lips.

“They definitely have a kick, my mom’s awesome when it comes to mixing and fixing drinks. Believe me, they are worth the hangover, I know from experience,” Jared’s brother laughs softly, grabbing a cup on a table nearby and handing it to Jensen with a wink. “New Years is the time to celebrate, don’t even think about the hangover you’ll get, just enjoy yourself man.”

“Wise advice,” Jensen replies as he walks into the kitchen to throw away his empty cup and immediately starts in on the new one in his hand.

“Now that’s the spirit,” Jeff says in approval, having followed Jensen into the kitchen. “Has Megan bombarded you yet with her plans to take you and J.T. to the mall before you guys head back to Cali?”

“Nah, I haven’t seen her all night actually. Why? Should I be worried?” Jensen raises an eyebrow and chuckles softly at the incredulous expression on Jeff’s face.

“Are you kidding me? This is a teenage girl we’re talking about, she’s gonna have you going into _every_ shop in the mall and you’ll spend _hours_ in each one,” Jeff smirks after he has made his point, obviously pleased to hear the groan escape Jensen’s lips. “So, you tell me, should you be worried?”

“You don’t suppose there’s any way to avoid her for the rest of our visit, do you?”

Jeff laughs, shaking his head. “Good luck with that, Megan can be a determined little shit when she wants to be. Avoiding her would be like keeping candy away from Jared, pretty much impossible.”

Jeff pats Jensen on the back in mock sympathy before retreating out of the kitchen in search of his dad. Jensen leans back against the counter, cup held loosely in his hand, and can’t help the smile that grows upon his face. They have only been in town for two days and the trip is going better than he ever thought it would. Sure, he had a setback when he couldn’t tear his mind away from his parents, but he has since gotten a hold on that and now he can fully enjoy his time in San Antonio.

He honestly couldn’t love Jared’s family more, they are all just such great people. They welcomed him in without a hint of hesitance and he is a little surprised by how comfortable he feels with all of them. Jeff reminds him a lot of Josh and he is pretty sure they would get along smoothly. Megan is a sweet girl also; she still blushes whenever he speaks to her, though she is getting better holding a conversation without running away in embarrassment. Not to mention Jared’s parents are simply the coolest. They really are the All-American family and Jensen is glad to be fitting in so well. Maybe now Jared won’t feel so uncomfortable with bringing him back for a visit.

Of course, that really all depends on how they react to him being gay and them being in a relationship. To be honest, Jensen doesn’t think they will react badly to the news, at least not in the way Jared’s worried about. But, then again, what does Jensen know? He hadn’t expected his family to shun him when he told them about his sexuality either, yet that’s exactly what happened. He might not have the best judgment, but he still doesn’t see Jared’s family abandoning him over something like this.

Jensen can’t stop the full-blown smile that blossoms onto his face the instant Jared steps into the kitchen and is even happier to see his boyfriend is alone. Tracy has been at Jared’s side ever since he arrived, so it’s nice to have some alone time with Jared for the first time tonight. Jared grins at the sight of him, dimples standing out in stark relief, cheeks a little flushed.

Before Jensen can greet him with words, Jared grasps onto his hand and drags him from the kitchen. Jensen allows himself to be led upstairs, glancing around at the party that is in full swing to make sure no one is noticing their escape. Thankfully no one is paying them a lick of attention and they slip upstairs unnoticed, closing Jared’s bedroom door behind them with a resounding click.

“Finally got you alone,” Jared breathes against the side of his face, warm air that makes him shiver pleasantly. “Sorry I haven’t been around much tonight, I couldn’t seem to drag myself away from Tracy. Every time I tried to slip away he’d follow… was starting to get on my nerves actually.”

“I dunno, seems to be like you were rather enjoying yourself,” Jensen teases lightly, eyes bright in the dim-lit room and full of mischief.

“Sure, it’s nice seeing an old friend, but you’re actually the only one I want to spend New Years with,” Jared says seriously, making Jensen flush crimson. “I know it’s stupid but I was determined to spend New Years with you ‘cause… well, I can’t help seeing it as a fresh start, turning over a new leaf and all that. That made sense in my head, please tell me it makes sense aloud too.”

Jensen can’t help but chuckle at his inebriated boyfriend, smiling fondly and once again reminded why he decided to take a second chance on the shaggy-haired man. The guy simply does the cutest and sweetest things without even knowing it. How can Jensen not find that adorable and intriguing?

“Yeah, don’t worry, you got your message across,” he assures him in a quiet voice, reaching down to entwine their fingers. “Despite how unsure I still am about this, a fresh start sounds _really_ good.”

“Yep, the new year is going to be different from this one, Jen. I’m gonna do things right this time, treat you the way you deserved to be treated all along, and show you each and every day just how much I love you and why,” Jared says, sounding so sure of himself as he wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist.

Jensen doesn’t respond verbally, settling for a nod of his head. He has doubts about it, but he keeps them to himself, not wanting to ruin the moment. Besides, this is them trying again, giving it another go, and the last thing he needs to be doing is shooting Jared’s hopes down every time he says something sweet that Jensen isn’t too sure about yet.

“Five!… Four!…”

Both of them take notice of the muffled countdown happening downstairs, neither of them having realized it was so close to midnight. Guess that happens when you’re having a good time though; the clock goes by unnoticed.

“Three!… Two!…”

Jensen’s eyes are warm and inviting as they lock with Jared’s and they gaze intently into one another’s stare, waiting patiently for the stroke of midnight. Both of them know this countdown signifies more than just the turning of a new year for them.

“One!… Happy New Year!!!” The screams from downstairs reverberate through the walls but inside Jared’s room it is still and intimate and their focus is solely for one another.

Without preamble, Jared’s lips connect with Jensen’s and nothing else matters in this moment but them and everything this kiss signifies. This is the fresh start they both need, a turning of a new page; this is hopefully the beginning of the rest of their lives. Unlike before, they are going to embrace their relationship and, if things work out as they hope they will, they’ll have something strong and unbreakable this time around.


	20. All I Ask of You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Nineteen:**  
 _All I Ask of You_  
-~*~-

January 3rd, 2001

The light pressure on his hip is unmistakable and he opens his eyes to find Jared smiling down at him. In Jensen’s opinion, that is a good sight to be greeted by first thing in the morning, even though he’s a little cranky about being up so early. Jared is sitting next to him in a rumpled pair of navy blue boxers, a threadbare t-shirt, and is currently sporting a bad case of bed head but Jensen still finds him gorgeous. He also has to admit that he likes the fact that the goofy grin on Jared’s face is all for him.

Feeling too cozy beneath the blankets and unwilling to move just yet, Jensen grabs Jared’s hand and tugs him down so he is lying next to him. Jared chuckles lightly at the unexpected move but doesn’t complain. Jensen is tempted to grouch at Jared for waking him up at this ungodly hour but he just doesn’t have the heart for it, not with the way his boyfriend’s smiling at him. Instead he entwines their fingers and snuggles into the warmth of Jared’s body, sighing in contentment.

All is quiet at this early hour of the morning, telling Jensen that the rest of Jared’s family is still fast asleep. That would explain Jared’s acceptance of the position they are currently in, because if his parents were awake he would be too cautious and would never boldly embrace Jensen the way that he is right now. He’d be too afraid of being caught. Jared still hasn’t told his family about them and he hasn’t even brought up the issue with Jensen, so Jensen has no idea when Jared plans on telling them.

To be honest, Jensen’s beginning to wonder if Jared even will. He won’t be upset if Jared is having doubts, he knows how scary it is to tell your parents something like this, but he does wish Jared would clue him in on his plans just so he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. Seriously, if Jared needs more time, then that’s totally fine with Jensen, he just hopes Jared knows he isn’t expecting this of him. This had been Jared’s idea after all, not his. Sure, he’ll be a little disappointed if Jared backs out now, but that doesn’t mean he won’t understand.

_I hope he doesn’t feel like I’m pressuring him into this_ , Jensen worries silently, biting his lip in thought. He decides not to bring it up to Jared just yet, figuring it’d be best to let his boyfriend enjoy his visit with his family and then bring up the subject when they have some privacy, preferably away from the house and in the clear of being overheard.

The tightening of Jared’s embrace brings Jensen out of his thoughts and he looks up to find Jared’s hazel eyes watching him intently, silently curious about what was on Jensen’s mind. Jensen just smiles and gives him a slight shake of his head, letting him know it isn’t important. Jared gives him a weird look, obviously unsure if he should believe him or not, but then he just shrugs it off with a smile.

Finding no reason not to take advantage of the situation and Jared’s willingness, Jensen draws him closer and takes possession of his lips. Jared’s mouth opens beneath his, pliant and eager, and Jensen immediately delves inside. A nearly inaudible moan escapes his throat when their tongues meet and twine, caressing in a sensual massage that makes him tremble and has the potential to leave Jensen breathless.

With a large palm splayed out across Jensen’s chest, Jared gently guides him down onto his back and promptly covers his body like a warm blanket. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s waist, dragging his hands up the back of Jared’s shirt and caressing soft skin. He more than willingly allows his boyfriend to take control of the kiss, giving his mouth over to Jared to do with what he will.

Jensen draws his legs up, bent at the knee with his feet planted firmly on the bed, and spreads his legs to accommodate Jared who fits between them like he was made for it. Jared deepens the kiss, pressing Jensen’s head into the pillow, nipping and sucking at his swollen bottom lip. When Jared grinds down against him Jensen cants his hips for more friction, his dick already half hard and growing firmer with every gyration of Jared’s hips.

Jared pulls out of the kiss just as suddenly as he had deepened it, forcing a groan of disappointment from Jensen, and he grins mischievously. “Think you can be quiet?” he asks, voice husky and raw as a finger dips beneath the elastic of Jensen’s boxer-briefs and caresses the skin of his lower abdomen teasingly.

Jensen can’t seem to find his voice right now, but that’s alright because he believes words would elude him even if he were to try. The only form of an answer he can provide is a nod of his head, feeling anticipation coiling in the pit of his stomach. His breath catches in his throat and he unconsciously holds it there as Jared draws his underwear over his hips and down to his lower thighs, bunching them at his knees.

He watches dazedly as Jared crawls down the length of his body, placing wet kisses here and there as he goes, stopping once he reaches his intended destination. He removes Jensen’s boxer-briefs completely before turning his attention to Jensen’s erect cock, already leaking pre-come. Heat pours from his eyes as he locks them with Jensen’s just as he runs his tongue over the slit, lapping at the fluid found there.

Jensen’s eyes threaten to roll up into his head at the sensation and he has to bite his lip to keep a moan from escaping. The expression on Jared’s face is smug and Jensen wants to retort with something witty, but before he gets the chance Jared’s taking him into his mouth and consequently all thoughts evaporate from Jensen’s mind. The urge to push up into that moist heat is beyond tempting but Jensen manages to maintain his self-control for the moment, fisting his hands in the sheets and trembling with the effort to keep his hips still.

Jared swirls his tongue around the head, dipping inside the slit once, before sliding his mouth down the length of Jensen’s dick at an excruciatingly slow pace. He stops when he can go no further and then slides back up until just the head remains in his mouth. With a smirk in his eyes, Jared slides back down and picks up a steady rhythm and Jensen has to bring his hand up to his mouth to smother any and all sounds coming from deep within his throat.

Jensen’s breathing gradually becomes uneven and breathy as Jared quickens his speed, head bobbing up and down, hair falling into his eyes. Jared makes the perfect picture of a wet dream come to life and Jensen feels mesmerized as he stares at him, nestled comfortably between his legs. The dirty slurping noises that are coming from Jared are enough of a turn on for Jensen, but add the sensation of Jared’s sinful mouth and it is like he is on sensory overload.

Jensen bites into the skin of his palm when Jared hums around his cock, sending spikes of pleasure up his spine, but it doesn’t seem to help. Though the sound is muffled it feels magnified in the otherwise quiet room and Jensen knows he won’t be able to stay quiet for much longer. Moans are begging to be set free, growing more and more demanding as Jared continues his torturous pleasure, and Jensen knows his resolve to hold them back is breaking.

When Jared hollows out his cheeks and begins sucking harder Jensen knows he is screwed, so he grabs the pillow from behind his head and smashes it into his face. He still tries to be quiet but moans start to slip out and a low keen is unexpectedly drawn out of him. The pillow muffles all of his noises better than his hand did though, and for that he is grateful.

Jensen is thankful for the hand on his hip holding him down because when Jared takes him deep into his throat all control over his body flies out the window. He jumps slightly, startled, when a wet finger traces his entrance and he finds himself unconsciously pressing down onto said finger eagerly. Jared chuckles slightly around the cock in his mouth, which Jensen is surprised he can pull off, but that thought becomes insignificant when Jared’s finger slides inside his body.

Jensen can feel his orgasm building and it almost disappoints him, despite how desperately he craves his release. He doesn’t quite want it to end yet, wants it to last just a little longer, but the familiar warning tingles all over his body tell him that isn’t going to be an option soon. Jared’s finger pushes in and out, delving deeper inside with each thrust, and his mouth is like a frickin’ Hoover vacuum. When Jared’s finger finds his prostate and presses against it time and time again it is all over for Jensen and he comes with a hoarse cry, muffled by the pillow he’s biting into.

Jared drinks him down the best he can but some still manages to dribble down his chin. Jensen tosses the pillow off his face with what little strength he has left and simply lays there panting, completely fucked out. Jared’s eyes never leave Jensen’s as he wipes up the come on his chin with his finger, cleaning it off with his tongue, licking and sucking his finger like he has whipped cream on it, moaning softly. Jared chuckles happily when Jensen throws an arm over his eyes and groans at the sight of it.

The bed bounces a bit, headboard hitting the wall lightly, as Jared drops down beside him. Jensen removes his arm from his eyes and lazily tosses his head to the side to find Jared staring at him with a soft, affectionate smile on his face. Jensen somehow finds the strength to at least return the smile, though he believes it probably looks more satiated than adoring, but it doesn’t really matter. Jared’s left hand is idly tracing circles into the skin of his stomach and it makes Jensen shiver.

“My God, I think you may have killed me,” Jensen breathes out with a surprised chuckle, limbs feeling heavy and immobile. “It might take a while for me to get my equilibrium back.”

“That just means I did a great fuckin’ job then. Never let it be said that Jared Padalecki doesn’t give amazing head,” Jared says smugly, though there is a hint of pride hidden in his tone that tells Jensen he is pleased.

“Never gonna hear a complaint outta me,” Jensen says as he closes his eyes and smiles, basking in the afterglow and enjoying the warmth radiating off of his boyfriend.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Jared whispers, hot breath washing over Jensen’s ear and causing a shiver to run down the length of his spine. “I do believe I found a way to wake you up and avoid that grumpy mood you’re so well known for.”

A soft laugh escapes Jensen’s lips when he hears this and he weakly swats at Jared’s arm. “Be nice or I may just show you how grumpy I can still be.”

“But, you see, I have a remedy for that too. I have coffee brewing in the kitchen, I’ll just go grab you a cup if you decide to be grumpy with me and it’ll knock that mood right outta ya.” Jared responds with a megawatt grin that has Jensen rolling his eyes before closing them again.

Jensen decides not to respond to that, instead humming contentedly as he snuggles further into Jared’s embrace and that is when he takes notice of the erection poking him in his thigh. Jared moans softly at the unintended friction on his aching cock and Jensen opens his eyes once more.

“Need a little help with that?” Jensen asks huskily, giving Jared a leer.

“You don’t have to.” Jared tries to say but Jensen’s having none of it. He wants to make Jared feel as good as Jared made him feel. Besides, it’s only fair that he returns the favor after all.

Jensen shushes him lightly as his palm comes to rest on Jared’s chest and slowly descends downwards, caressing him gently through the fabric of his tee. Jared trembles slightly whenever Jensen’s fingers find an erogenous zone and he sucks in a breath when Jensen’s hand slips beneath his boxers. Jensen smirks to himself as he traces the skin above the place Jared wants his hand most, teasing the shaggy-haired man knowingly and relishing the growl of frustration he receives for it.

Deciding to take pity on the clearly strung out man, Jensen takes hold of Jared’s length and runs his thumb over the tip, forcing Jared to hiss through his clenched teeth. Jared’s dick feels hot and heavy in the palm of his hand and Jensen revels in the silky smoothness of the skin. His index finger traces the vein popping out before taking Jared firmly in his hand and giving him an experimental tug. Jared’s eyes slide closed of their own accord and a soft whiny moan leaves his lips.

This response encourages Jensen, so he spreads Jared’s pre-come along his length and begins stroking him in earnest. Jared scrambles out of his boxers, not too keen on the idea of coming in them, and he's clearly fighting the urge to make any noise. His eyes are clenched tightly shut as his chest heaves with the pleasure he is experiencing and the exertion to remain quiet. Jensen doesn’t let up on the pace of his strokes though, if anything he increases the speed.

He knows it won’t take long for Jared to lose it completely; he was pretty far gone to begin with, and neither of them are too sure how long they have before Jared’s family wake up. Jensen’s determined to make this as good as he can for his boyfriend though, using every technique he has learned and putting them to good use. On an up-twist of Jensen’s wrist Jared slips up and a guttural moan leaves his lips before he can even attempt to stop it. He slaps a hand over his mouth in the middle of it and Jensen can’t help smiling, feeling pretty damn pleased with himself.

Jared draws in a shuddering breath as Jensen’s lips attach themselves to the side of his neck, nipping at the skin found there and soothing it over with wet tongue and gentle kisses. Jensen keeps up his pace on Jared’s dick as he sucks a bruise into the junction of Jared’s shoulder and neck, leaving his mark behind.

Jensen is a bit startled when Jared suddenly pulls him away from his neck and smashes their lips together with fervor. The action is welcomed though, and Jensen opens his mouth wider, inviting Jared inside. They kiss heatedly for a few seconds, Jensen’s hand steadily bringing Jared closer to his climax, and then Jared tenses and spills over Jensen’s hand, moaning into his mouth.

Jensen strokes him through it, gentle pulls against overly sensitive skin, and then Jared pushes his hand away when it becomes too much. Jensen pulls away from his lover’s lips to gauge the blissful expression on Jared’s face, pleased that he could put it there. Jared lies there with his eyes closed, panting harshly, but the expression on his face is one of pure contentment. Jensen decides then and there that it is a look he definitely likes seeing on the man and he wouldn’t mind seeing it more often.

Eventually Jared opens his eyes and his breathing regulates itself. The smile on his face is one of pure bliss, partly affectionate and partly dazed. Jensen pulls his boxers up for him, seeing as he might not have the strength for it at the moment, and then he fixes his own underwear before lying down once more. Jared slings an arm around his waist lethargically when Jensen snuggles into his side, resting his head against his shoulder.

“Man, I’ve missed that,” Jared speaks after a moment of silence. “Never realized how much until just now.”

“I know what you mean… I’ve missed being with you like this too.” Jensen whispers, anything louder seeming inappropriate for the moment.

“I’ve missed _you_ , Jen,” Jared tells him softly, eyes intense and sincere with a twinge of remaining guilt. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t given me a second chance. Now that I’ve had you I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“Well, you have me Jay, you don’t have to wonder what it’d be like if you didn’t. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You just have to believe that and try to let go of the past, otherwise we’ll never be able to move forward.” Jensen entwines their fingers as he speaks, voice soft but strong.

“I know you’re right… it’s just hard, ya know? I know you’ve forgiven me but it’s kinda hard for me to forgive myself.”

“I know, and I can understand that, but I don’t want this hanging over our heads forever. So, can you at least try… for me?”

Jared is silent for a long moment as he stares at Jensen, looking into his eyes and taking in his every feature like he is trying to embed it in his memory, and then he gives a slow nod of his head. “Yeah, I think I can try, for you,” Jared whispers, warm breath caressing Jensen’s lips, their mouths close enough for their lips to almost brush against each other. “I love you, Jen.”

“I love you too.” Jensen responds immediately, no hesitation to be found, just complete and total honesty.

Jared closes the mere inch between them and pulls him into a kiss, tender yet passionate at the same time. Jensen responds instantly, their lips moving against one another’s languidly and lazily but it couldn’t be more perfect. In the history of their kisses this isn’t the best, too lazy and not enough energy, but it’s one they both will remember because it is comfortable and familiar and there is more meaning behind it than a passionate kiss could ever hold.

After a moment Jared pulls back, albeit reluctantly, and gives Jensen a regretful smile. “I should get back up to my room now and change before anyone wakes up and finds us.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Jensen can’t keep a touch of disappointment out of his voice, reluctant to lose Jared’s comforting embrace, but this is the first time he’s spent any true quality time with his boyfriend since they arrived and he isn’t about to let anything ruin it.

“Don’t forget we told Megan we’d go to the mall with her today. I know my sister pretty well, she’ll want to go as soon as we’re finished with breakfast,” Jared says as he climbs off the bed, movements sluggish.

“Alright, I’ll get dressed and meet you in the kitchen.”

Jared nods his head before unlocking the door and quietly slipping from the room. Jensen watches him until the door closes behind him and then he flops back down, staring up at the ceiling with a goofy smile plastered on his face.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen follows Jared and his sister from store to store, quiet for the most part but joining the conversation when it is required of him or whenever he can think of something to say. Mostly he just enjoys watching Jared interact with his sister, reminding him of himself and his own sister.

Megan leads them into a bargain store aptly called The Bargain Bin and proceeds to show Jared all these trinkets and jewelry she’s thinking about buying for her friends as late Christmas gifts. Jensen browses through various articles of jewelry with little interest, mainly just busying himself until Megan is ready to leave this store behind and drag them to another one.

He stops, however, when an angel necklace catches his eye. It is rather simple, silver and shiny, on a short length chain. There is nothing particularly special about it but for some reason he can’t help but think of his sister the moment he sees it. He can see Mack wearing something like this and he takes a moment to contemplate buying it for her. Simple jewelry, such as this necklace, mean the most to his sister and he knew it would bring a smile to her face to receive it.

Mind made up, he takes the necklace off the rack and holds it loosely in his fist as he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. Jared approaches him at a casual pace, eyebrows furrowing when he sees the necklace in his hand. Jensen lets out a silent sigh as he waits for the mocking to begin, and he isn’t disappointed.

“An angel, huh? Not the type of necklace I’d expect a guy to wear willingly but then again you’ve always been a little different. I’m sure it’d look pretty on you, Jen,” Jared comments with a smirk, eyes full of mirth.

“It’s not for me, jackass,” Jensen huffs without any real heat to back it up as he approaches the front counter and places his purchase down for the clerk to ring up. “It’s for my sister. Do you think she’ll like it?”

“Aw, you’re buying your sister a necklace, for no reason other than you think she’d like it?” Megan gushes, making Jensen flush and hide his face. “That’s really sweet, Jensen. I’ve never met her but I’m sure she’s gonna love it. I know I would.”

Jensen can’t help but snicker softly to himself when Megan suddenly turns to Jared and smacks his arm, hard. “Why don’t you ever do something nice like that for me?”

Jared scowls as he rubs his arm, exaggerating just a bit. “Jeez Jen, you’re making me look bad here man,” He laughs softly before turning to his sister once more. “And I don’t buy things like that for you ‘cause you’re a pain in my ass on the best of days and in no way deserve gifts from an awesome older brother.”

“Awesome, my ass,” Megan mumbles under her breath as she stalks away from them and Jensen can’t help but chuckle lightly at their easy banter. They really are quite entertaining to him, there is definitely never a dull moment with them around.

“What are you giggling about?” Jared grumbles moodily, though Jensen can tell he’s not really upset.

“Shut up dude, I don’t giggle.” Jensen responds with a roll of his eyes as he pays the clerk and then heads in the direction Megan took off in. They find her just outside of the store, leaning against the railing, waiting for them.

“Whatever man, I’ve heard more giggles out of your mouth than actual laughs.” Jared replies with a hearty laugh that has Jensen’s lips lowering in a pout. Jared just laughs again, comments on how he does it better, and then ducks out of the way of Jensen’s fist.

“You guys ready to head to the food court for some lunch?” Megan asks, pushing away from the railing when they reach her.

Jensen‘s stomach growls at the idea, which has Megan smiling at him in amusement. “Food sounds good to me,” he says with a light laugh, cheeks hot with embarrassment.

“Ooh, candy!” Jared suddenly exclaims enthusiastically before sprinting away from them into the Sweets Factory. Megan and Jensen share an eye roll, equal expressions of fondness on their faces, and then they leisurely follow Jared into the candy store.

By the time they catch up with the shaggy-haired man he already has his arms stuffed with various packages of candy. Jared grins brightly as he holds up a package of Sour Patch as well as gummy bears and chocolate covered raisins, looking so very much like a kid that Jensen can’t help but smile in a mixture of amusement and affection. Megan seems to share his sentiments because she doesn’t even attempt to mock Jared, opting for a shake of her head and a look of amusement instead.

Jared just grins once more, full of glee, before paying for his treats and then they head to the lower level of the mall and don’t stop until they hit the food court. It takes them all a moment to decide on where they want to eat, given there is such a large selection, and in the end they end up buying food from separate places. Jensen has a craving for pizza, while Jared wants Chinese and Megan heads off towards Burger King.

Megan gets her food first and uses her time finding them a table. Once Jensen receives his pizza he joins her at the table, sitting across from her. He takes a large swallow of his ice cold Coke before biting into his slice of sausage pizza. Food is always outrageously priced at malls so he settled with just a slice rather than the amount his appetite truly wanted. Megan wipes her mouth with a napkin before her attention settles on him.

“So, how is it that you got stuck being friends with my brother? He probably pushed himself on ya, didn’t he? He’s overly friendly like that, he just pushes his friendship on ya even if you don’t want it.” She laughs softly as she says this and it is easy for Jensen to detect the affection hiding within her tone.

“Yeah, he kind of took me under his wing when I got there. I’m grateful too, he made my whole college experience easier, ya know? I didn’t know anybody and was kinda awkward at first but he befriended me right away and made it all very comfortable.”

Megan smiles at this, nodding her head slightly. “Yep, that sounds like Jared. He’s a good guy, and he’ll be your friend for life, someone you can really count on. He really likes you, I can tell. Anyways, tell me a little about yourself. Jared said you’re from Texas too, was it hard for you to leave?” she asks with genuine curiosity.

Jensen shrugs a little while shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He still has a hard time talking about Texas, his home and his family. He has to wonder if that is ever going to change. “Sure it was, probably no more than expected though. I’d never been out of Texas before, so leaving was kind of scary, but I’m glad I left. California is great, feels more like home than I thought it would.”

“California seems awesome,” she says while nodding her head. “I’d never leave Texas, I love it here too much, but I’d like to come and visit Jared some time. Maybe I could save up my money and fly out there this summer, you and him could show me around.”

The hopeful tone in her voice puts a smile on his face and he finds himself nodding in assent. “No problem, if you come out I’d be more than happy to show you around and I’m sure the same could be said for Jared.”

“So, I know Jared keeps saying he isn’t looking for a relationship right now but what about you? Do you have a girlfriend waiting for you back in California, or maybe back home?” she asks with a blush staining her cheeks, but he has to give her credit, her eyes don’t stray from his.

Her question hits him like a punch to the gut though. Jared hasn’t told his family that Jensen is gay. He can understand Jared’s reluctance to tell them about his own sexuality but why wouldn’t he mention Jensen’s? What reason could he possibly have for neglecting to inform his family? Better yet, why didn’t he at least tell Jensen that he hasn’t told them? Jared knows how uncomfortable he gets when confronted with questions like this. Jensen doesn’t particularly like hiding his sexual preference, and he is very open about it, but he always finds it difficult telling someone when they’re asking if he has a girlfriend. It just makes it a very awkward moment and the stunned silence and uncomfortable facial expressions are inevitable.

Jensen had just assumed Jared had told his family about Jensen at least, if for nothing more than to make it easier on Jensen. But he had been wrong, Jared hadn’t said a word. Hurt stabs at Jensen’s heart. Why wouldn’t Jared tell them? Is he ashamed to have a gay _friend_?

Jensen smiles as best he can, though it feels wrong on his face, strained. “I don’t have time for a relationship right now. I’m really busy with either my studies or work. I’m not too worried about it though, I’ll find someone when the time is right.”

Jared joins them at the table before Megan can respond, so she smiles at him and turns to her brother, signaling the end of the conversation. Jensen is glad for that though, because he doesn’t know how much more of it he could have handled.

“Hey Jared, did I tell you about the talent show I’m gonna be in when school starts up again?” Megan starts a new conversation immediately, beaming happily at her brother.

“No, you didn’t. What are you gonna be doing?” Jared questions with genuine interest.

“I’m gonna be singing a duet with a friend of mine. I told you about Ryan, didn’t I?”

The conversation at the table drifts into the background as Jensen sits there quietly and silently ponders over this new development. He realizes he is probably reading too much into it, making a bigger deal out of it than he truly should be, but he can’t help wondering what it all means. Why wouldn’t Jared tell his family? Jensen just can’t wrap his head around it, can’t see what Jared could have possibly been thinking when he neglected to share this important information. Was it just because Jared thought his parents would look at Jensen differently or is he ashamed of him?

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen sits with his back resting against the headboard of the bed, a book lying open on his lap but he isn’t actually reading it. He can’t seem to focus on it long enough to take a word in. He knows he should probably put it away, but then that would take away the pretense that he is actually reading and then someone might ask him what is wrong. That is one conversation he really doesn’t want to have so he will gladly keep the book in his hands, even if just to keep people from asking any unwanted questions.

His mind has kind of been preoccupied ever since this afternoon after his brief conversation with Megan. The questions on his mind are endless and the answers too few. It will likely drive him crazy if he doesn’t bring the subject up with Jared but he doesn’t know if he wants to talk about this, can admit he is a little afraid to hear what Jared might have to say. Their relationship is still on pretty rocky ground, though things seemed to be looking up just a day ago. Now though, Jensen doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know where he stands with Jared, doesn’t know where Jared stands as far as their relationship is concerned, and it leaves him feeling a little lost.

He keeps telling himself that he is probably blowing this thing way out of proportion and that he should just let it go or talk to Jared if it is bothering him so much, but a little voice in his head says he has reason to be upset. It isn’t like Jared just forgot to mention something so significant, he knowingly withheld the information like it were something shameful and damn it Jensen wants to know why! He just wants to understand where his boyfriend was coming from when he decided not to tell them, needs reassurance that Jared isn’t ashamed of him.

All this has managed to do is place doubt in Jensen and he hates it. He doesn’t know if this relationship is going to work out, no matter how badly he wants it to. How could a relationship possibly work when Jared is ashamed of him and can’t handle his parents knowing Jensen is gay when he is supposedly only his friend? The chances seem very slim and that disheartens Jensen because although he has been on his guard as far as Jared is concerned, he has been silently, desperately hoping that their relationship would last a second time around. Now, however, he is beginning to think they are fooling themselves and it would hurt less to end it now before it gets any harder to let go.

Jensen jumps when the door flies open and Jared saunters in with a grin spread across his face from ear to ear. Jensen simply raises an eyebrow as his racing heartbeat slowly returns to normal. The hyper man drops down onto the bed, bouncing it, and leans against Jensen’s bent legs, his body heat seeping through Jensen’s jeans.

“Could you have made a more dramatic entrance, Jay?” Jensen teases half-heartedly, not really in the mood for his usual amusement.

“Probably,” Jared says this like he is contemplating it, “but I figured that might scare you away and that’s really the last thing I want to do.”

“I dunno, I’ve pretty much come to expect almost anything from you.”

“Keyword: almost… I’m sure I still have a few oddities up my sleeve that could frighten you and make you rethink your decision to have me as your boyfriend,” Jared says like this is something to be proud of and though Jensen wants to be gloomy and not respond to Jared’s unique sense of humor he can’t stop the smile that forms on his face.

“Highly doubt that would happen, Jay, but you’re welcome to try your worst if that’s what you want to do.” Jensen smirks with playful eyes trained on Jared’s.

“I’ll have to put a lot of thought into it, so give me a little time to come up with something,” Jared laughs softly as he rises from the bed and holds out his hand for Jensen to take. “For now why don’t you and I go for a walk? I want to show you something.”

Jensen allows himself to be hauled off the bed and slowly follows Jared out of the room. Jared leads him out the sliding glass door and down a well beaten path at the far end of the backyard. Jensen asks him where he is being taken but Jared just grins secretively and says he will see when they get there. All Jensen can do is shrug and follow his boyfriend down the dirt path surrounded by trees.

This is one thing Jensen likes about Jared’s family home; they live on the outskirts of San Antonio where it’s quiet and quite secluded. Sure, they have neighbors, but the houses on this street are decently spread apart and you have your space to live comfortably. Jensen wouldn’t mind living on a street just like this one. His home in Richardson is on a quiet street as well, but the houses are mere feet away from each other and you don’t have any privacy or space there like you do here. He loves his home back there, of course, but the land here is farm land and it is peaceful and Jensen _really_ likes it.

Jared leads him through an alcove of bushes, which is a tight fit, and they find themselves on the bank of a small stream. This was the last thing Jensen was expecting to see here, but it is a pleasant surprise. As well hidden as it is one would never know it was here. The sound of steadily moving water is calming and the whole atmosphere is peaceful.

“I used to come here all the time when I was younger. I’d come here whenever I needed to think or just wanted to be alone. I don’t think anyone else knows it’s here, I never saw anyone else when I came here,” Jared whispers as he wraps his arms around Jensen from behind, locking him securely in place and Jensen leans back into the embrace.

“It’s really nice here, really quiet,” Jensen breathes softly as he closes his eyes and lets the sound of running water and rustling leaves wash over him. “Thanks for bringing me here.”

Jensen can feel Jared shrug nonchalantly, probably blushing right now. “This place was always mine growing up, my secret hideaway, and… I just wanted to share it with you,” he says quietly as he places a soft kiss to the side of Jensen’s warm neck.

“Megan asked me if I had a girlfriend. Why haven’t you told your family that I’m gay?” Jensen asks and wants nothing more than to smack himself once the words are out. He hadn’t meant to bring it up like that, and he especially didn’t want to ruin the moment with it either. It just kind of came out without him even realizing what he was saying, and now there is nothing he can do to take it back.

Jared stiffens behind him momentarily before relaxing and letting out a sigh, a breath of warm air hitting the skin behind Jensen’s ear and making him shiver slightly. Jared moves away from him and Jensen instantly feels the absence of his warmth. He doesn’t attempt to change the subject though, because the question is out now and neither of them will be able to avoid it that easily. It is something that is truly upsetting Jensen and they both know it; it will just come up in conversation later if they don’t deal with it now.

“I just… it hadn’t come up and I didn’t know how to bring it up and… it just didn’t seem like that big a deal.” Jared shrugs as he tries to explain, scratching at the back of his neck needlessly, but Jensen can’t look past the guilty expression on Jared’s face.

“Is that all? You just didn’t know how to bring it up? Are you sure that’s the only reason?” Jensen asks with a tilt of his head, feeling his heart clench in his chest when Jared looks away from him and takes a step toward the stream.

“I didn’t know how they’d react…” Jared trails off, errantly kicking at the ground uncomfortably.

“So they don’t know about Chris and Steve either? Don’t know that you have other gay friends besides, apparently, me?” 

“No, they don’t…”

“So you were protecting me from their judgment? You didn’t want them looking at me differently or something? If that’s the case then I appreciate you trying to protect me but you really didn’t have to. I’m used to people being awkward around me because of my sexual preference, but you know I’d rather have them look at me like I’m some freak than have to pretend to be something I’m not,” Jensen tells him with a firm voice, wanting so badly to believe this was Jared’s reason for withholding this information from his family but a feeling deep in his gut says there is more to this. “Was that your reason, Jay?”

Jensen has to suck in a breath when Jared slowly shakes his head, still not looking at him. “I thought that if they knew you were gay they would look at the way we act around each other and start asking questions. I had this crazy notion in my head that they’d look at us and just know that we’re together. I wasn’t ready for that, so I failed to mention that you were gay… I just thought it’d be easier.”

“Yeah, it’s easier that way for you but it isn’t for me,” Jensen can’t keep his irritation out of his voice. “Do you realize the kind of position you put me in, especially since you neglected to mention it to me? What if I had said something to your mom about past boyfriends or why I don’t get along with my family? I can understand that you may not be ready to tell your family about you yet, but do you realize how awkward that would have been for me?”

“I’m sorry, Jen, I wasn’t thinking. I know I should’ve told them, and if I could go back in time and tell them properly I would, but I was freaking out and was worried about them finding out about us. I’ll tell them soon, I promise… just, for now, can you just play along for a little bit longer?” Jared asks, and the guilty expression on his face tells Jensen that Jared knows what he is asking of Jensen is fucked up.

All Jensen can do for a long moment is stare at Jared, partly in disappointment and partly in disbelief. “Alright, if that’s what you want me to do then fine, that’s what I’ll do. But I’m not happy about it, Jared, you know how much I hate hiding who I am from anyone. I’ll do it for you though, because it’s what you want so badly. But… it just really makes me wonder how serious you are about us. I’m not like you, I have no desire to hide _us_ away, and I don’t see how you can. I get that you’re scared about your parents’ reaction and that you’re afraid of losing your family the way I have, I really do, but when you can’t even admit that your ‘friend’ is gay because they might think you’re gay by association, when you’re forcing me to hide who I am...” Jensen releases a heavy sigh but doesn’t lower his eyes away from Jared. “I’m beginning to lose sight of the reason I’m even holding on. I’m starting to think you don’t want this as much as I do.”

Jared looks up sharply at these words, a pained expression on his face, and he takes a step forward. “Don’t say that, Jen. What we have, it’s good, it’s worth holding on to. I just need a little more time, that’s all.”

“I’m not saying I’m breaking up with you, Jared, just that I’m having doubts. And it’s my opinion that you need to do some serious thinking, about what you really want. If you’re not ready to be in a relationship with me then I need to know, because I’m not going to make you do something you don’t want to but I’m not going to wait around forever and I won’t be with someone who’s too ashamed, of themselves or me, to be with me either. I just can’t do it.”

“I’m not ashamed of you, Jen, I love you,” Jared whispers softly, pained and lost.

“I hear you say the words, Jay, but I can’t say I believe or feel them,” Jensen responds in a hoarse voice, tears begging to surface. “I’m going back to the house, I need to be alone for a while.”

Jared doesn’t try to stop him as Jensen turns away, leaving him standing there, a slumped figure by the stream that turns away and walks in the other direction. Jensen didn’t want to hurt Jared at all but it needed to be said all the same. This is hurting Jensen and it’s going to keep hurting him until Jared gets his priorities straight. He loves Jared but he meant what he said, he can’t live like this. Jared is all he has ever wanted since the day he met the shaggy-haired man, but he’s beginning to wonder if he ever truly had him.

  
**Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back**   
**At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?**   
**All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one**   
**Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns**   


  
**All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe**   
**Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something**   
**Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Breathe Again - by Sara Bareilles


	21. A Soul is Lost Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence, please either proceed with caution or don't read if that kind of content bothers you in any way. You've been warned.

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty:**  
 _A Soul is Lost Tonight_  
-~*~-

January 4th, 2001

From his spot at the kitchen table Jensen watches Jared’s mom pull package after package of meat from the fridge for the barbeque they are about to prepare. He and Jared will be returning to California tomorrow and Jared’s parents decided that an old fashioned Texan barbeque was in order. Jensen surely isn’t about to complain about the idea; it has been far too long since he’s had decent barbeque and right about now steak and ribs are sounding wonderful.

Jared bounds into the room a moment later in a burst of energy but Jensen can see underneath the façade. On the surface Jared is acting like his normal happy-go-lucky self but underneath there is a fathomable tension brought on by their conversation yesterday. Things have been strained between them ever since and they haven’t spent more than five minutes in one another’s company. Their eyes will meet once in a while but Jared always looks away first, unable to hold his stare for very long.

Jensen hates the way things are between them, knowing he is the cause of it, but he can’t say he didn’t mean what he said. He just wishes this could somehow be easier, though he knows there is no way it could be. He hates fighting with Jared, hates the tension that builds up in the air surrounding them, but he doesn’t know how to make it better besides giving in to what Jared wants and playing pretend. That isn’t something he can do though, not anymore.

“You need any help mom?” Jared asks, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Sharon shakes her head in amusement before handing him the meat in her hands. “Could you take these out to your dad to put on the grill?”

“Of course,” Jared replies with a radiant grin, and it looks false, like he’s trying too hard to act normal. Sharon freezes for a moment, watching him in concern, and Jared coughs awkwardly before rushing from the room.

Sharon and Jensen stare at the spot Jared vacated with identical expressions of concern before they turn to one another and try to smile. Sharon shuffles over to the counter and begins making a salad for the barbeque and Jensen lowers his gaze to the table top. He can’t help feeling like it is his fault for the tension in the household because Jared wouldn’t be so restless and unlike his usual bright self if Jensen had just kept his mouth shut for a bit longer.

There is nothing he can do about it now, things have been said and now they have to deal with the fallout, but that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. He never meant for their last days here to be like this, never wanted to ruin this visit for Jared, but he doesn’t know how to fix this thing between them either. He can’t even be sure it can be fixed. It all seems to be pretty hopeless at this point. It hurts, badly, but he thinks he should be grateful it is happening now rather than later on down the line when his guard is completely gone and he is more emotionally invested than he is right now.

A knock on the front door interrupts Jensen’s thoughts and he watches curiously as Sharon wipes her hands on a towel before leaving the kitchen. The next few minutes are silent and then a woman’s voice can be heard from the front entryway. Sharon talks to the visitor with familiarity, saying how good it is to see her again and that Jared will be delighted as well. This peaks Jensen’s curiosity and he can’t stop himself from drawing closer, leaving the kitchen to find a petite brunette standing with Jared’s mom.

Sharon sees him standing there and motions him closer with a smile. “Jensen, I’d like you to meet Sandra McCoy, she used to be our next door neighbor for many years. She and Jared used to be pretty close,” Sharon says with that smile still firmly in place before turning to Sandra. “Sandy, dear, this is Jared’s friend, Jensen, from California. They go to school together.”

“Nice to meet you,” Sandy responds politely, though she doesn’t seem too interested in getting to know him. She shakes his hand and then immediately turns to Sharon. “Is Jared around?”

“He’s outback with his dad,” Sharon replies and Sandy maneuvers her way past them, heading to the backyard. Sharon follows and Jensen moves to stand beside her at the sliding glass door.

Jensen watches as Jared turns around when Sandy places a delicate hand on his shoulder and something clenches in his chest when a brilliant, shocked smile forms on Jared’s face instantly. There is history there, a history Jensen has no clue about, and it settles uneasily with him. When Jared’s long arms envelope Sandy in a bear hug Jensen has to look away and he finds Sharon looking at him with a calculating expression on her face. His face grows hot but he tries to stand his ground and not give anything away.

“I knew he’d be pleased to see her, they used to be really close till her family moved across town. They kind of lost touch after that,” Sharon says conversationally.

“He used to have the biggest crush on that girl,” She smiles at the fond memory while all Jensen feels is slightly nauseous. “Nothing ever did come of it, and I don’t think it ever will. He doesn’t seem to be all that interested in her anymore, he looks at her now like he does Tracy. He won’t say anything but I think he already has someone in his life. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Jensen?”

Jensen has to swallow hard around the lump that has suddenly developed in his throat, sweating nervously, and he tries his best to smile. “No ma’am, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

She hums low in her throat, a soft smile on her face. “Yeah, I figured as much,” she says casually. “I’m sure you wouldn’t tell me even if you did know anything though, would you?”

Jensen can’t find any words to respond, feeling as though he has been put on the spot, like he is on trial. Sharon gives him another soft smile, an unknown emotion in her eyes, and she tells him he should join the barbeque before she turns around and heads back into the kitchen. Jensen stares after her for a long moment, even once she is out of sight, and he can’t get over the feeling that they just had a very important conversation even though not much was said. He can’t wrap his head around it, and he isn’t sure he wants to, so instead of dwelling over it he takes her advice and heads outside.

He stands just outside the doorway, unsure whether he should go sit with Megan or go talk with Jared and Sandy. He doesn’t really want to be the third wheel but he still finds himself heading in Jared’s direction nonetheless. Jared smiles a bit warily as he approaches and Jensen returns it with a small, hesitant one of his own. Sandy scowls at him like he is intruding and pushing himself somewhere he isn’t wanted and he tries not to let it bother him.

The silence that stretches between the three of them is awkward and tense but after a moment Jared breaks it with a terse laugh. “Sorry, I’m being rude. Sandy, this is…”

“We’ve met,” Sandy interrupts him prissily, eyeing Jensen with dislike and borderline hostility. “How long do you plan on being here, Jared?”

Jensen knows he should be offended by the way she turns to his boyfriend and practically pushes him to the sidelines, and part of him is, but all he can do at the moment is glower at her. Jared apologizes, telling her they have to leave tomorrow, and Sandy pouts dramatically while saying they need to get together the next time he is in town. Jensen just wants to smack that flirtatious smile right off her face but he forces himself to behave, silently watching the conversation take place.

Sandy and Jared laugh back and forth, reminiscing on the past and talking about things Jensen couldn’t possibly relate to much less understand. He isn’t really being given any chances to join the conversation, doesn’t know what he would say even if he tried, and he is a little put off by the way both of them are shutting him out and practically acting like he isn’t even there.

He almost lets out a relieved sigh when Jared’s dad calls everyone over to the picnic bench when the food is done. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself, when Jared and Sandy sit down next to each other. He tells himself not to let it get to him but he thinks it may be a little too late for that. There is an open seat on the other side of Jared but Jensen opts to sit with Megan instead, feeling he will be more welcome next to her anyway. He doesn’t miss the frown on Jared’s face when he sits down next to Megan and he knows it’s petty but he can’t help the feeling of satisfaction this brings him.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen lets out a relieved sigh when he relaxes back on his bed, leaning back against the headboard and crossing his legs at the ankles. Today hadn’t been the best for him and he is just glad to see it over. He highly doubts tomorrow will be any better but at least it won’t have Sandy McCoy in it. The girl was hanging all over Jared while she was there, batting her eyelashes and smiling flirtatiously at him every few minutes. It was ridiculous and annoying and Jensen had to restrain himself each time he had the urge to roll his eyes, which was whenever he looked over at them.

He didn’t try to join their conversations after that first attempt, he kept his distance. Her open display of want disgusted him and the fact that Jared did nothing to deflect her flirting got on Jensen’s last nerve. Jared made it quite clear that he didn’t mind her flirting, was rather flattered by it in fact, and that irked Jensen to no end. Every now and then he would catch a concerned glance or two from Jared but he ignored it each time.

He spent most of the day with Megan, finding her to be an excellent distraction, and he had a conversation or two with Jeff as well. It was hard to keep his attention away from Jared and Sandy, ever aware of their laughter and her innuendo, but it wasn’t so hard to immerse himself in conversations with Megan either. She really is a great girl, and she reminds him so much of Mackenzie that it makes him ache, but he really enjoyed talking with her. That is probably the only thing that made his day bearable.

A soft knock on his door draws him out of his thoughts and he watches with a frown on his lips as Jared enters the room, an uncertain smile on his face. Jensen doesn’t look away but he doesn’t smile either and Jared’s shoulders slump just a little. He lowers himself to the bed, his hip just barely touching the side of Jensen’s thigh, and he rests his hands in his lap.

“Didn’t see much of you today,” Jared whispers softly, looking at Jensen through the fringe of hair hanging in his eyes.

Jensen shrugs slightly before responding, whispering also, “Didn’t think you really cared, seemed like all you really needed was Sandy for conversation.”

Jared remains silent for a moment, worrying his lower lip. “You don’t have to be jealous of Sandy; I want you, not her. I’m sorry if I was ignoring you, or making you feel unwanted… it’s just that I haven’t seen her in so long and I was caught up in seeing her again.”

“I wasn’t jealous,” Jensen growls with a roll of his eyes, though they both know he was. “Though, she was flirting something fierce, and you didn’t seem to mind at all.”

Jared blinks at him, like he is honestly baffled by Jensen’s response, and then he surges forward, catching Jensen off guard. Jared’s mouth collides with his roughly, with intensity, need and desperation fueling the action. Jensen gasps and Jared seizes the opportunity, licking into his mouth, nipping harshly at his lips and then soothing over the sting with his tongue. Jensen can’t stop himself from moaning at the carnal need of the kiss, of the passion and the need to possess that Jared is showing. He clutches at Jared’s arms, muscles straining to hold his weight, and allows Jared to devour his mouth.

His senses come rushing back to him a moment later, though he wants to curse them for it, and he knows they shouldn’t be doing this. Doesn’t matter how good it feels, they can’t ignore what has happened, and this will certainly not fix any of their issues.

“No… Jared, stop,” Jensen pushes him away and turns his head to the side when Jared tries to pull him into another kiss. “This isn’t going to make all our problems go away, and it surely isn’t going to fix anything. Believe me, I wish it could, but we both know we’d just be delaying the inevitable. We _need_ to talk about this; at some point we’re gonna have to, but doing this isn’t going to help anything.”

A heavy sigh passes Jared’s slick lips, ghosting over Jensen’s face, and Jared moves forward to press their foreheads together. They remain just like that for an undetermined amount of time, both of them lost in their thoughts. Jensen closes his eyes, pain mixing with longing, as Jared places a soft kiss to his forehead and then reluctantly pulls away. He forces his eyes open to find Jared smiling sadly at him.

“You want to go to the bar?” Jared asks out of the blue and Jensen’s eyes widen at the randomness of the question.

He glances at the alarm clock on the nightstand and then turns his bemused gaze back to Jared. “Jay, it’s eleven o’ clock at night. You want to go to the bar _now_?”

Jared shrugs. “I figure we could both use a beer, especially if we’re gonna talk about all this. I don’t really feel like doing that here though, so our best bet would be the bar.”

Jensen stiffens at these words but nods his head in assent nevertheless. Maybe getting this conversation over and done with would be the smart thing to do. It still makes his chest tighten though, and he finds himself panicking a little already.

Jensen takes a deep breath to calm his nerves, licking his lips unconsciously, and then he nods in agreement. Jared rises from the bed without so much as a word and Jensen is quick to follow, placing his shoes on his feet. They stop to grab the car keys from Jared’s mom and then they head outside, neither of them speaking a word the entire time. The moment the cold air hits him Jensen inwardly curses for not thinking to take his jacket. He knows he could go back in and grab it but he decides he can do without it, they won’t be outside for long anyway.

**:0Ж0:**

The bar they enter isn’t crowded in the least, a small group of men and women off in the far corner of the room while two men in their twenties play pool and there is a lone guy sitting at the bar looking as though his world has fallen down on top of him. Some old country song is playing on the jukebox, the southern twang familiar to the both of them. Jensen and Jared make their way to a shadowed table a few feet away from the door and not in any close proximity of the bar’s customers.

Almost as soon as they sit down a waitress approaches their table and asks them for their IDs. Once she is secure in the knowledge of their ages she takes their order, both ordering a beer, and then she saunters away. A tense silence envelopes them the moment they are alone and neither of them seems to know how to break it, so instead Jared stares down at the table top and Jensen takes the time to sweep his eyes over the room once more.

The room is dimly lit and smoggy with the extensive amount of cigarette smoke hanging in the air, but Jensen feels oddly comfortable despite the conditions of the room and the tension between him and Jared. He doesn’t quite know what to say to make things better between them so he doesn’t even try.

It’s not that he wants things to be awkward between them, he hates this more than anything, but he doesn’t know what he could possibly say to make everything okay without completely disregarding his feelings concerning the matter at hand. He isn’t ready to admit defeat and just accept things for the way they are and he doubts he will be ready any time soon. He loves Jared, that ain’t no secret, but he can’t lie and say he is happy with the way things are between them. He doesn’t like feeling like someone’s dirty, shameful secret. He vowed that he wouldn’t be that for Jared again and he meant it.

He isn’t asking Jared to come out to his family, but it would be nice for his boyfriend to acknowledge that Jensen’s gay and stick by him. At this point he feels like Jared is ashamed of him and that isn’t a good feeling. Jared can deny it all he wants but there is obviously a part of him that is ashamed of the fact that Jensen’s so openly gay. He wouldn’t have had any problems telling his family if he wasn’t somewhat ashamed, right?

If Jared was really just worried about his parents putting two and two together, finding out that they’re more than just friends, then what does that say for their future? Will Jared always hide them away from his family? Will he never be ready to tell his family about them? All Jensen wants is for Jared to be proud of him, proud to have found someone to love, someone he can bring home on the holidays, someone to share his life with, a proud addition to his family. Jensen’s beginning to think that is never going to happen though, and he simply can’t accept that. He was willing to give Jared time, to work up the courage to tell his family. He didn’t expect Jared to take that step so soon, but he _did_ expect him to make it eventually.

He never would have taken Jared back if he had known nothing was going to change. He needs stability in his life, someone he can count on, and someone who wants him to be part of his family. _I don’t know if Jared’s that guy_ , he thinks to himself solemnly as he closes his eyes and releases an inaudible sigh.

The track on the old beat up jukebox switches and all is quiet in the bar for a few moments, besides the low murmurs of the customers, and then a Johnny Cash song fills the emptiness. The waitress picks that moment to return with their beers, giving Jared a salacious smile and a wink before sauntering off once more. Jared barely acknowledges anything around him, staring resolutely down at the battered table top, and Jensen busies himself with picking at the label of his beer.

The sigh that escapes Jared’s lips sounds louder than it probably is, harsher than intended, but now he is at least looking at Jensen instead of avoiding his gaze like it’s the plague. “I hate this man!” he exclaims, looking torn and defeated. “I’m not used to this with us, this strange tension between us. I just got you back and yet I feel like I’m losing you all over again. Look, I know it was wrong of me to not tell my folks about your preference, but do we really have to make such a big deal out of it?”

Jensen can tell that the moment the words leave his mouth Jared knows it was the wrong thing to say, his eyes go big and round and his mouth flounders like he doesn’t know what to say to smooth over the argument that will inevitably ensue. The last thing Jensen wants to do is argue, especially in a bar, but he can’t bring himself to let the issue go. He is trying to make a point, trying to make Jared understand, while at the same time trying to get some sort of reassurance from his boyfriend, reassurance that this is only a temporary thing.

“It’s not the fact that you hid my preference that upsets me so much. Sure, at first it upset me, but that’s not the big issue I’m having anymore. Jesus, Jared, you’re afraid of your parents figuring out that you’re gay and in a relationship with me, and you know what that leads me to wonder?” Jensen keeps his voice low but the words come out firm, almost a hiss, leaving no doubt that he is clearly upset. “It makes me wonder how serious you really are about us.”

Jared sighs, shoulders heaving with it, and gives Jensen a long suffering look. “I am serious about us. I don’t know what more you want me to say. I’ve tried proving it to you, have told you time and time again, and yet you still don’t believe me. There’s really only so much I can do Jensen, and I’m running out of ideas. I want to be with you, I thought I’d made that perfectly clear, but now…”

Jensen latches onto the words that Jared has left unsaid, disbelief and anger and hurt all fighting for dominance, making for a lethal combination. “But now what?” he asks, voice strained with barely concealed anger.

“Just forget it Jensen, it doesn’t matter,” Jared mutters, returning his eyes to the table top once more.

That is another thing bothering Jensen. Ever since their talk yesterday Jared has referred to him as Jensen, never Jen, nothing personal and just for them, and it worries him. It makes him feel as though he’s losing Jared, like the shaggy-haired man is giving up on him, like he expected everything to be easy and now that he has figured out that it isn’t he is backing away and giving up because the effort is more than he wants to make.

“No, I want you to tell me. Now you’re having doubts, now you’re not sure it’s worth the effort, now you’re not sure you want to be with me? Which is it, Jared?” Jensen demands, shaking with the emotion wracking his body, eyes hard and unyielding.

“I’m not sure how much fight I have left in me,” Jared’s voice is nothing but a mere whisper, like he doesn’t want to be saying this but can’t deny that it is how he’s feeling inside. “I want to be with you, but I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I’m being spread thin here, and you aren’t exactly making this easy on me. I’m doing the best that I can here and you’re acting like I’m not trying enough. I just… I don’t know what you want from me, Jensen.”

“I want you to act like you give a damn. I want you to introduce me to your family one day because you’re proud to be with me, I… I want to be a part of your life, Jay. Is that too much to ask?” Jensen asks, voice wrecked and hurt, watching Jared with sad eyes. He feels like crying when Jared doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look up, and he gets the feeling he is fighting a losing battle.

“I know you’re scared, Jay. Hell, I can understand that better than anyone. But do you honestly want to hide like this, hide who you really are? Wouldn’t it be nice to introduce someone that you love to your parents, to be able to bring someone home for the holidays like your brother does, have a normal relationship?” Jensen asks as he reaches out and places his hand over Jared’s, which is lying flat on the table.

Jared snatches his hand away like he has been burned, glancing around the room with wide, terrified eyes, searching the room to see if anyone saw. Jensen sighs as he pulls his hand back and balls it up in his lap.

“Sure, I’d love to be able to do that, but we both know it isn’t that easy. We don’t know how my parents will react, if they will even accept me after they know the truth. There’s… don’t you see, there’s just so much at stake. I stand to lose _everything_ , Jensen, that means the most to me.” Jared responds with desperation in his tone, eyes still scanning the room like they are the center of everyone’s attention.

“I know I’ve only known them for a short while, and I’m not the best judge of their character, but I really don’t think they’ll take it as bad as you’re fearing. Your parents are really cool, Jay, and they’re the most supportive parents I have ever met. I highly doubt they’ll disown you over this. I think you should give them a little more credit,” Jensen says softly, not wanting to anger his boyfriend but feeling it needs to be said all the same.

“I… I just… I’m sorry but I can’t take that risk,” Jared says softly, sounding genuinely regretful.

Jensen feels nauseous as the truth finally hits him, like a slap to the face. “You’re never going to tell them.” He says this more like he’s acknowledging the truth rather than asking for confirmation, bitter disappointment at the back of his throat.

Jared makes a pained, sullen face before picking up his beer and draining half of it in one go. He places the bottle back on the table with a ‘clang’, roughly rubs a hand down his face, looks at Jensen with an expression that says “I’m sorry”, and Jensen’s shoulders slump as if in defeat. Jared doesn’t have to say a word, Jensen knows, he knows things have fallen apart again. He had his fears from the very beginning, was afraid this was going to happen, but he gave this another chance anyway. He could kick his own ass for that now.

“I dunno, Jensen… I just know that I _can’t_ lose them. As much as I love you, it’d kill me to lose them. I’m sorry,” Jared whispers, troubled eyes trained on Jensen finally, like he’d wanted all night, but now he finds all he really wants is them off him. “Listen, I need to get out of here for a while, be alone. I could go for a walk, leave the keys to the car with you so you have a way back to the house and I can just call a taxi to take me back.”

Jensen shakes his head, voice stiff and foreign to his own ears as he says, “I’d feel a whole lot better knowing you have the car, knowing you’re driving around rather than walking by yourself this late at night. You take the car. I can call a taxi when I’m ready to leave.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know if I’m too comfortable with that,” Jared says hesitantly as he rises to his feet.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’d feel weird driving your mom’s car anyway. I’m still not too confident on my driving skills since it wasn’t that long ago that I learned.”

“Well… okay,” Jared hesitates, shoving his hands into his pockets, looking as though he wants to argue but then he nods his head slowly. “You be careful though. I’ll see you back at the house.”

“Sure thing… see ya there.” Jensen forces himself to respond, fighting to keep his voice level and his emotions hidden.

Jared stands there for a moment longer, staring at Jensen with hesitance clear in his troubled hazel eyes, and then he stiffly walks out of the bar. Jensen lets out a breath once he is gone and gives up the pretence of acting like this isn’t affecting him as bad as it really is. His face falls, wounded, and he closes his eyes, feeling the sting of tears at the backs of his eyelids. He’ll be damned if he cries in the middle of a bar for the whole room to see though, so he takes a deep breath and does his best to push the hurt coursing through him into the background.

He tries telling himself that he should have expected this to happen, that he and Jared really weren’t meant to be together after all, but no matter how hard he tries to drill this into his head he still can’t bring himself to truly believe it. He knows they could have been good together, knows their relationship had the potential to be the lasting kind if Jared could have just gotten past his fear.

_Guess that doesn’t really matter anymore_ , he thinks wryly to himself with a smile full of despair. He doesn’t see how they can possibly make it work, especially now that they have discussed things previously left unsaid and know that they want different things. They both wanted it to work out this time, more than anything, but Jensen needs more than Jared is willing to give him and they both know they are going nowhere fast.

Neither one of them came right out and said the relationship is over, couldn’t bring themselves to acknowledge it much less bring those words out into the light of day where they can’t delude themselves any longer, but the implication is there and Jensen certainly can’t deny it.

Jensen looks up when a shadow falls over the table and finds the two guys from the pool tables standing over him, gazing down at him. Jensen is instantly on guard, getting a bad vibe about them. He doesn’t know why though, they seem like a couple of ordinary guys. It may just be Chris’ warnings and distrust that has rubbed off on him, making him leery of everyone.

“Sorry if we’re bothering you, but we couldn’t help but overhear your conversation and we just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I know that’s probably strange, two guys you don’t know coming over here and butting into your business, but we know what it’s like and we just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” The shorter one speaks with a rough drawl that reminds Jensen of Chris, making the ache in his chest more tangible, making him realize how much he misses his friend and wishes he was here to tell him everything will be okay.

“Oh, um, I’m fine… thanks for the concern.” Jensen responds cautiously, still not sure what to think of these guys.

“Don’t worry man, we’re not here to cause you any trouble. In fact, I’m gay too, and I can understand what you’re going through, and… I dunno, I can relate, ya know? And I just felt like I should come over and see if you wanted to talk, let you know you’re not alone,” the taller of the two says with a shrug, sheepish smile pulling at his lips, and he motions to the Jared’s vacated chair, asking if he can sit.

Jensen gestures his assent with a wave of his hand and watches the guy sit down as his friend grabs a chair from a nearby table and takes a seat as well. Jensen doesn’t quite know why he is talking to these guys; all he really wants is to be alone to wallow in self pity, but he can’t bring himself to be rude to them either. They seem to be genuine in their explanation for coming over, and if they are nice enough to offer their company to a stranger, then the least he can do is let them sit with him.

“I’m Scott, and this is my best friend Andrew.” The tall one introduces them, brushing an errant strand of black hair away from his face with an easy smile.

“Jensen,” he mutters in response, voice low but still audible over the noise of the bar.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” Andrew asks, though from the tone of his voice it makes it sound like he already knows the answer.

“Nah, I’m from California actually. Just came here for a visit, am supposed to head back home tomorrow.” Jensen answers, though for the life of him he can’t explain why he is telling this to total strangers. He is strangely comfortable though, and able to speak freely, like he has known these guys for months rather than five minutes tops. Then again, Jensen doesn’t have too hard of a time talking to people that will listen; he may be shy but he’s not _that_ shy.

“California, huh? That’s cool. I’ve been there a couple times myself. Wouldn’t mind moving there one day,” Scott says with that smooth yet rough drawl that Jensen finds himself responding to, putting him at ease in Scott’s presence.

Conversation drifts from there to easy topics, laughing over experiences and the latest celebrity mishaps. Jensen finds himself relaxing more and more around Scott and Andrew, finding them easy to talk to and fun company. They joke and laugh like old friends, keeping Jensen’s mind off Jared and their earlier conversation, making him feel light and like he doesn’t have a care in the world. _This was what I needed_ , he thinks to himself as he laughs at the joke Scott just recited.

“Man, I’m tellin’ ya, high school sucked ass, but fuckin’ with the jocks sure made the time go by a lot easier,” Scott laughs at the memories, shaking his head, smile wide and bright. “They always gave me a hard time for being gay but you should’ve seen their faces every time I turned it around on them, giving them detailed descriptions of what I did with guys, telling them they were closet cases that secretly wanted me on my knees.”

Andrew smirks, chuckling softly. “Oh yeah, I never knew someone’s face could get so red. Those dudes were pissed. But what made it even better were the lone few that would suddenly go pale and have to look away. That made it all worth it.”

Jensen can’t help but laugh at the mental image this paints for him, imagining the jocks from his own high school. “I’ll bet,” he shakes his head in amusement. “I was too shy to do something like that when I was in high school, would have been satisfying to put some of those assholes in their places though.”

“You gotta stick up for yourself man, don’t let anyone push you around otherwise they’ll walk all over you,” Scott tells him after taking a swig of his beer.

“True, but I’d probably just get my ass kicked for trying. I mean, I’m pretty small and thin now as it is, but I was smaller back then.” Jensen responds with a wry smile, making the two men laugh and nod their heads in understanding.

The silence that falls over them is not uncomfortable in any way and none of them seem bothered enough to break it. Jensen is unable to stave off the yawn that creeps up on him out of nowhere and he cuts his eyes to where a clock hangs on the wall above the bar. He starts in surprise when he sees the time, realizing he was so caught up in his conversation that he managed to stay out a lot later than he intended to.

“Wow, I didn’t realize how late it is,” Jensen breathes with a huff of a laugh; he hadn’t intended on staying out until one in the morning and he knows he should really be heading back now before he worries anyone.

“Well, as much as I hate to say it, I really should be going. I have a flight back to Cali tomorrow and I really don’t need anyone sending out a search party on my account,” he says conversationally before finishing off his beer, which was almost empty, and pushes away from the table.

“We can give ya a ride if you’d like,” Andrew pipes up, quickly finishing off his own beer.

Jensen hesitates, his guard back up within an instant, eyeing the two men critically. “I dunno… I don’t want to impose or anything.”

“Dude, shut up, you wouldn’t be imposing or inconveniencing us in any way,” Scott smiles and waves a hand dismissively. “The offer’s there, we really wouldn’t mind. Plus, we wouldn’t feel right seeing you off like this, in early morning hours and all. Anything can happen, and you’ve had quite a few beers man.”

“I appreciate the offer, I really do. But I’m gonna have to pass. I’m going to call for a cab anyway, so there’s no need to worry ‘bout my safety.” Jensen forces a laugh, keeping his voice light as he pulls out his cell and calls for a taxi. He waves goodbye, telling them he had a nice time chatting with them, and then he heads outside to wait for his ride to arrive.

A cold early morning breeze hits him in the face the moment he steps outside, making a shiver run down the length of his spine, and for the second time tonight he wishes he wouldn’t have forgotten his jacket back at the house. The far too thin t-shirt he is wearing does nothing to protect him from the cold and he wraps his arms around his torso, hugging himself, hoping it doesn’t take too long for his taxi to show up.

He has worked up a decent buzz since arriving at the bar, and he finds himself swaying just a bit, but he isn’t shit-faced or anything. Luckily he won’t have to worry about a hangover in the morning, which is absolutely the last thing he would need, especially since he and Jared have to board a plane tomorrow afternoon. He is feeling pretty good right now, though a hot cup of coffee is what he finds himself desiring. That’s mainly because of the cold though.

He hopes Jared is at home in bed by now. The shaggy-haired man was pretty upset when he left the bar and Jensen doesn’t like the idea of Jared out there somewhere, still driving around by himself. He pushes that thought away however, knowing it will just worry him to death.

All Jensen can do is let out a startled yelp when an arm suddenly wraps around his torso and a hand covers his mouth, effectively trapping him back against a hard chest. His wide eyes slide to the right and find Andrew standing there, which means Scott is the one holding him tightly. Andrew’s eyes scan the street over and over nervously as Scott starts leading them down the alley to the right of the bar. Jensen struggles in earnest, squirming in vain, and he tries to stretch his arms out to grab hold of something but Scott’s arm is pinning his elbows at his sides resulting in his hands grasping at thin air.

His heart is beating erratically in his chest and his breath comes out in panicked pants, sounding harsh to his own ears. His panic only continues to mount as the two guys lead him down one vacant alley after another, all seemingly endless and all looking the same to him. The further they go the further away from humanity they seem to be and Jensen doesn’t like this one little bit. He doesn’t know what these guys plan to do with him but he has a few ideas and none of them he wants any part of.

It would seem that all of Chris’ fears and seemingly overprotective and distrustful warnings were justified though, and it is scaring the hell out of Jensen. He wishes Jared were here, wishes someone, anyone, was around to help him. Jensen isn’t a wimp in any case, he will defend himself, but he is up against two guys who just so happen to be bigger than him. Hell, Scott is at least twice his size! He isn’t sure how much damage he could really do if he were to fight back. This fact won’t stop him of course, but he really has to wonder what good it will do.

He could just kick his own ass for his stupidity. He can’t believe he is such a bad judge of character. He thought these guys were nice, ordinary people. Boy, how wrong he was. Turns out he was right to be wary of these two when they first approached his table. But he let down his guard when he shouldn’t have, his Texan hospitality wouldn’t allow him to be rude, and he gave them an opening without realizing it.

_How the hell am I gonna get myself outta this one?_ He searches his brain desperately, too frightened to focus, and eventually comes up empty handed. He tries screaming but it comes out muffled and almost inaudible from behind Scott’s hand.

Jensen continues his struggling with all his might, making Scott grunt in exertion and yell at him angrily to stay still, to stop struggling and they won’t hurt him ‘as bad’. This obviously does nothing to calm his fears and he tries firmly grounding his feet in an attempt to trip them. This makes Scott angrier, shaking him roughly in his grasp, yelling in his ear and spouting off threats that cause panic to grow in Jensen’s chest.

He feels like whooping in satisfaction when he manages to open his mouth and he promptly bites down, hard, on Scott’s hand. Scott releases him immediately with an enraged yell, roughly pushing Jensen to the ground. Jensen’s hands fly out in front of him to break his fall and are met with dirt. He takes a moment to look around, finding they have dragged him to a construction site.

“What happened?” Jensen can hear Andrew ask in a panicked voice.

“The little fucker bit me!” Scott yells, glaring daggers at Jensen while wringing his hand like it will take the pain away.

Jensen jumps to his feet and takes off in the only direction his muddled brain can think of, which is further into the construction site. The only thought on his mind is to get away and anything beyond that is strewed by blind panic. He only gets a few feet away before something solid hits his back and he falls to the ground with a thud and a curse of pain. When he is turned over onto his back he finds both men looming over him, Andrew still looking panicked and Scott with a smirk.

“You seriously thought I was fag like you, didn’t ya?” Scott laughs cruelly as his boot digs painfully into Jensen’s stomach. “People like you make me sick, should just take the whole lot of ya out to the middle of nowhere and blow ya away. You’re just trash, you don’t deserve to live.”

Jensen tries not to pay any attention to the hurtful words spewing from Scott’s mouth. Instead, he knocks the guy’s foot off his stomach, making him lose his balance, and kicks him as hard as he can. Scott grunts in pain as he falls backward and Jensen doesn’t hesitate as he climbs to his feet, albeit unsteadily, and makes a run for it. He doesn’t get very far, however, before he finds himself on the ground once more. This time Andrew has stopped him.

“You little piece of shit.” Scott hisses with an insane glint in his eyes as he approaches, swinging a 2 by 4, the length of a baseball bat, from the construction site in his right hand. “Gonna teach ya a lesson, is what I’m gonna do.”

“Why are you doing this? I didn’t do anything to you guys.” Jensen pleads as he rises to his feet, seeing no other options.

Andrew seems to hesitate but Scott just laughs. “Filth like you do shit to us everyday. Always hitting on us, spreading your disease around… hell, you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us.”

“Please…” Jensen pleads again but is cut off when Scott’s fist hits him in the jaw, snapping his head to the side. Jensen is left disoriented, so he doesn’t see Scott’s fist coming at him the second time around, hitting him square in the mouth, splitting his lip. This time Scott just keeps hitting him, his jaw, his nose, his temple, the blows just seem to be endless.

“Please, don’t do this.” Jensen cries out, unable to stop the tears that are sliding down his face, mixing with blood and the dirt beneath his head. Jensen continues to plead desperately but Scott simply ignores him as he rises to his feet and lifts the 2 by 4 in his hands, preparing to strike.

“No, please… I don’t wanna die.” Jensen pleads one last time, though he knows it will fall on deaf ears.

The smile on Scott’s face is cruel before he swings the makeshift bat, striking Jensen on the shoulder. Jensen cries out at the pain that explodes in his arm but isn’t given a reprieve as he is hit in the ribs, chest and legs with full force. Jensen tries to roll his body into a fetal position, protecting his head and neck the best that he can, but it does little to help. Scott is relentless, each blow seemingly more painful and forceful than the last.

“Bet you’re regretting your choices now, aren’t ya! Fuckin’ cocksucker,” Scott yells with so much anger in his voice, he doesn’t even seem like the same person Jensen spent the last couple of hours talking and laughing with.

Jensen can feel his strength steadily leaving him and the urge to pass out is strong. A thick, sticky substance has leaked into his ear, making everything sound far away and indistinct, and he knows with sickening awareness that it is his own blood. The pain is excruciating, every movement makes him want to throw up, so he tries not to move but every time he is hit with the piece of wood his body jerks from the force.

He is unable to stop the sobs wracking his body, the pain too much for him to bear, and he can’t bring himself to be ashamed of them. He is in pain, could very well die right here, and the last conversation he had with Jared was quite possibly a breakup. He figures he is entitled to cry, that it doesn’t make him any less of a man.

Jensen takes a deep breath when the blows suddenly stop and he lays there motionless, afraid to move, afraid to see if Andrew and Scott are still standing over him. When he lays there for a few good minutes and nothing happens Jensen finds the courage to lift his head, crying out at the sharp pain in his neck. His stomach rolls dangerously with the movement, and for a moment he thinks he just might throw up, but he manages to stave it off and open his eyes at half mast, blood running into his them and Jensen whimpers at the burn.

Andrew is standing off to the side with a terrified expression on his face, watching Jensen with wide eyes before turning them to his friend and then back again. Scott smirks when Jensen’s eyes land on him, cold and cruel, and he raises the piece of wood once more. Jensen watches as it swings his way, desperation curling in his belly because he knows there is nothing he can do to stop it. Despite seeing it coming, he still feels stunned when the wood makes contact with his head. The force of the hit knocks Jensen back to the ground, his head spinning. He is aware of the darkness creeping upon his consciousness and he knows he won’t be able to fight it much longer.

He can feel blood running down the side of his head, can hear Andrew and Scott arguing, but he feels so far away from it all. He hurts all over, afraid he may have more than a few broken bones, but there is a blessed numbness coming over him that he is grateful for, even though he knows this can’t be a good sign.

“Damn it Scott, you said we were just gonna rough him up a little!” Andrew’s frantic voice reaches Jensen’s hearing but at this point he is paying them little attention.

Jensen can only whimper when Scott delivers a sharp kick to his ribs but thankfully he receives no more abuse. Instead he can hear grappling somewhere off to the left of him. He is in too much pain and is far too tired to look over and see what is happening though.

“Shit, Scott, stop it man, you’re gonna kill him! Do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your damn life?” Andrew tries to reason with his friend, sounding both frightened and pissed off. “Lets get the hell out of here man, before someone comes along and calls the cops.”

All is silent for a moment, save for harsh breathing, and then Scott speaks finally, “Okay, you’re right, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“What about him?”

“What _about_ him? We’re leaving the fag here, no way am I gonna take him to the hospital and risk him telling the cops on us! Come on dude, where the fuck is your head at?” Scott growls and then Jensen can hear their receding footsteps. He didn’t hear the piece of wood drop to the ground so he thinks it’s safe to assume they have taken it with them.

Jensen lies there for a long moment taking shallow breaths, each and every one excruciatingly painful. The pull of darkness is tempting but Jensen keeps thinking about Jared and he knows he needs to try to get some help, or at least dig his cell out of his pocket and call his boyfriend. He can only hope his phone wasn’t shattered in the beating. Plus, Jensen knows if he gives in now he may never wake up again.

Forcing himself to take a deep breath despite the pain, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He feels like crying though when he pulls it out in pieces. _All hope isn’t lost_ , he tells himself in hopes of calming himself down, _I just need to get up and find some help._

Taking another deep breath, Jensen uses the strength he has left to push himself into a sitting position. The movement causes immediate pain in his legs and chest and, well, his whole body is aching actually. He slumps over onto his side, the pain too much, as nausea overwhelms him and he vomits onto the ground. He throws up the contents of his stomach until there is nothing left but dry heaves, his stomach constricting painfully. A dizzy spell hits him almost immediately after and the darkness he has been fighting off comes back with a vengeance.

Black spots dance before his eyes, blood sliding down his face and pooling around his head, and he feels the exact moment his strength gives out on him. He is unable to fight the pull of unconsciousness any longer, his will to stay awake too weak, and his last thought is of Jared before all he knows is darkness.


	22. Never Meant to Let You Down

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-One:**  
 _Never Meant to Let You Down_  
-~*~-

January 5th, 2001

Jared wakes up to the sound of his alarm with a groan, slamming his hand down onto the off button before yawning loudly and stretching languidly. He lies there for a lengthy moment, simply staring up at the ceiling and letting the haze of sleep slowly leave him. He stares at a water stain on the ceiling above his bed without actually seeing it; his thoughts have drifted to last night and all the things that were said. Jensen’s defeated and resigned expression is engrained in his memory and the image just makes the guilt well up inside him more and more.

He hates the way he left things between them, the implications that were made. He only just recently got Jensen back in his life; it was a miracle Jensen took him back at all, and he had to go and fuck it all up again. That seems to be a running theme for him, seems to be the only thing he knows how to do lately.

He doesn’t want their relationship to end, doesn’t want the distance to tear them apart again, but this damn fear inside him is controlling his life. He knows he shouldn’t let it; Jensen means the world to him and he is going to lose him if he doesn’t conquer this fear, and while he doesn’t want that, he also doesn’t know what to do about it either. He feels like he is caught in the middle, forced to choose between Jensen and his family. He doesn’t know if he can, no matter what was said the night before.

All he can think about is how Jensen’s family reacted and Jared is terrified that his family will react the same way. Everyone knows he is a family man, they mean more to him than his own life, and to lose them would be worse than dying. But losing Jensen, the thought is devastating and he thinks he would be lost without his boyfriend. Jared’s head is just really mixed up right now; not sure what he can do, what direction he can turn without possibly losing something vital in his life. He doesn’t want to lose his family but he doesn’t want to give up Jensen either.

_Maybe letting him go would be the right thing to do though, if you’re not willing to be honest with your family_ , a voice tells him wisely. _You’re only hurting him by holding onto him like you are, and he deserves to be in a loving and committed relationship… maybe letting him go would be the best thing you could do for him._

Jared pushes the unwanted thoughts away, part of him knowing the right thing may just be letting Jensen go but feeling deep in his heart he might never be able to do that, the selfish part of him wanting to hold on with both hands. He and Jensen have gone through so much together, and deep down he knows they are meant to be together. They have hit some rough patches, mainly caused by Jared himself, but he has never been happier than when he is with Jensen. He can’t just give up on that so easily.

He feels like laughing hysterically when he thinks about how incredibly bad this visit has turned out to be. He had wanted this trip to be a good thing, a step forward if you will, and along the way he managed to screw it up royally. Instead of bringing Jensen closer to him, Jared managed to push him further away.

Jensen is seriously thinking about leaving him, Jared knows this with painful clarity. If Jensen walks away Jared knows he will have lost him for good, there will be no more chances, and what scares him even more is that he doesn’t know if they will even be able to be friends one day, not after everything that has happened between them. He honestly doesn’t want to lose Jensen, feels like he is suffocating just at the thought of it. He loves Jensen, and he needs him in his life, even if just as a friend, he _can’t_ lose him. It’s as plain and simple as that.

_How do I stop that from happening though?_ He questions his ceiling and receives no answer in return.

Jared lets out a heavy sigh when he realizes his thoughts are getting him nowhere and he forces his body out of bed, feet landing on plush carpeting. He rubs his eyes tiredly and groans at the exhaustion weighing him down. He is starting to regret staying out as late as he did, despite setting his alarm for a later time than he originally planned. Sleeping in until a quarter past eleven is something he rarely does but he hadn’t gotten to sleep until after two in the morning and he knew a little extra sleep would be needed. However, despite that, he still feels like the walking dead.

Forcing himself to his feet, he stumbles out of his room and heads downstairs where he can hear his mom rummaging around in the kitchen. He enters the room to find her banging pots and pans around, searching for one in particular and getting frustrated when she can’t locate it. She glances up when she hears his approach, sending a welcoming smile and a good-natured “Good morning” his way before disappearing into the cupboard once more. Jared just shakes his head in amusement and slides into a seat at the table, shoulders hunched with tiredness.

He stifles a yawn with the palm of one hand and glances around, taking note of the voices of his siblings coming from the living room and catching a glimpse of his dad in the backyard. He startles slightly when a cup of hot coffee is placed on the table in front of him and he looks up to find his mom’s smiling face staring back at him. He sighs gratefully when he lifts the mug to his nose and inhales deeply, feeling just like Jensen at the moment.

His stomach flips at the thought of Jensen, mind immediately going back to the conversation the previous night and being reminded of the way things are between them at the moment. His mom must catch the grimace that passes over his features because her face scrunches up in concern and she drops down onto the chair beside him, ever watchful eyes trained solely on him. He shifts uncomfortably under her close scrutiny, hoping she doesn’t question him because he isn’t quite sure what he would say.

He glances around once again, taking note of everyone and finding someone missing. “Where’s Jensen?” he asks, turning to his mom, confusion clear on his face.

She shrugs, watching him closely like he is some puzzle she can’t put together. “I’m assuming he’s still asleep ‘cause I haven’t seen him this morning. You boys were out late last night though, weren’t you? I stayed up until past twelve and you weren’t home by the time I went to bed.”

“Yeah, we probably stayed out later than we should have actually, considering we have a plane to catch this afternoon,” Jared grins sheepishly, trying to hide any true emotion crashing through him, the guilt and regret. “I’m just gonna go check on him, see if he’s up yet.”

His mom watches as he stands and just nods her head silently, the expression on her face telling him that he isn’t doing such a bang up job of hiding his feelings and now thoughts are racing through her head. Jared doesn’t stay long enough for her to get even more curious and tries not to run from the room, from her eyes that are trying to penetrate the wall he has put up.

He feels like he can breathe a little easier the moment he is out of sight and he walks slowly to Jensen’s closed door, trepidation swimming through his veins as he raises his hand and knocks quietly. He stands there silently for a moment, waiting for a response of any kind but receives none. He lets out a sigh, wondering if Jensen even heard him or if he is just ignoring the knock.

When he knocks again, a bit louder this time, and still receives no answer he closes his eyes and bites his lower lip. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, knew things would be strained between them, but to have Jensen completely ignoring him now… well, it hurts. He knows he has no right to feel this way, he caused all this mess after all, but he can’t help it. He wishes there was some way he could fix it but he just isn’t sure how he can do that without stepping up to the plate right here and now and telling his family about them. Just the thought makes him break out into a sweat, his heart racing in panic and his hands shaking.

_I don’t deserve him_ , he silently acknowledges as he leans his forehead against the cool wood of the door, sorrow clenching his heart in a tight fist and tears pricking his eyes. He clenches his eyes tightly to stave off the quickening flow of emotion, releasing a calming sigh, and unconsciously caresses the door like he can feel Jensen through the wood.

“Jensen?” he questions softly, loud enough for Jensen to hear but no one else. “Please open the door. Just… talk to me, please. We can’t leave things like this, we need… we have to talk, I don’t want…” he trails off with a heavy sigh, unable to find the right words to express himself, no matter how hard he searches.

“I never wanted things to be like this between us… I never wanted to lose you,” he whispers quietly, heart weighed down and achy. Lifting his head, he stares at the still closed door with resignation in his eyes. “Alright, I’ll give you some time alone and you can come out when you’re ready.”

He turns away from the unforgiving door, the barrier between him and the one he loves, and dejectedly heads back into the kitchen. His mom looks up the moment he enters and her eyebrows draw together in concern at the sight of him. He figures he probably looks the epitome of a kicked puppy, shoulders slumped in defeat and expression withdrawn. She is at his side in an instant, guiding him to the chair he vacated moments ago and she takes a seat once more, not taking her hand from his arm.

“What’s wrong honey?” she asks without preamble. “I thought you were going to check on your friend. Is everything okay?”

Jared lets out a low breath and smiles the best he can. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess he’s not ready to come out yet though, so I just left him alone for now.”

“That’s what he said? Is he feeling alright?” she asks when Jared falls silent.

“No, he didn’t even answer me when I knocked.” Jared answers before he realizes he gave her more information than he intended. The last thing he wanted was for her to know things are kind of strained between them because then she would want to know what is going on. _Guess I blew it there_ , he thinks to himself wryly.

She studies him silently for a moment, a range of emotions crossing her face but he can’t decipher any of them. He knows her suspicion has been peaked though, that is just how his mother is, always curious and worried about the affairs concerning her loved ones. She doesn’t mean to be a busybody, but when one of her family is hurting she can’t help but get herself involved. It is just how she has always been and they all have come to accept it.

“Did you and Jensen have some kind of fight, Jared?” Her eyes are soft and concerned as she looks at him, telling him she will listen and try to help the best she can, and he has to look away before he opens his mouth and tells her everything.

“Yeah, we had an argument last night. Some things were said, mostly on my part, and then I left and drove around for hours. He said he’d call a cab to bring him back and I needed time to clear my head so I left him there. He was pretty upset with me so it’s kind of expected that he wouldn’t want to talk to me today,” Jared admits with a sigh, leaving out what they were arguing about but still feeling a bit better for getting it off his chest.

His mom looks at him disapprovingly and he is brought back to his younger years, getting scolded for doing something bad and feeling like he failed his mom. “You just left him at the bar alone, in a town he knows nothing about, to find his own way back?” She questions him disbelievingly, that disapproving expression still on her face. “I thought I taught you better than that, Jared.”

“Mom, please don’t… I feel guilty enough as it is,” Jared whispers, lowering his head in shame.

His mom lets out a sigh and gives his arm a tender squeeze. “Well, I hope you two work out your differences because he is a really nice boy and I can tell you two are close. I’d hate to see you guys have a falling out. Not to mention I’d like you to bring him round for Christmas next year, we’d love to have his company.”

Jared just stares at her for a long moment, trying to detect the meaning in her tone but failing. He finally just nods his head, “You guys really like him, huh?”

“Of course we do, what’s not to like? He’s a good boy, very polite with a generous heart, and I can tell that you really like him. He is definitely an upgrade from some of the other people you’ve brought through that door through the years,” she says with a laugh but her eyes are sincere. “Seriously Jared, we like him, and we wouldn’t mind seeing him again. So you fix the problems between you.”

“Yes ma’am,” Jared responds automatically, feeling as though this conversation had significance to it that he isn’t quite following. His mom couldn’t have meant her words in the way she made them sound though, because Jared has been careful and he is pretty confident that she is totally in the dark regarding his and Jensen’s relationship.

_God, it’d be wonderful if she knew and accepted us though_ , he thinks with more longing than he expected to feel. He hadn’t realized until this very moment just how much he wants her blessing, wants her to approve of Jensen, of their relationship. _That isn’t going to happen until I fess up about our relationship though, and even then she may not give us her blessing… no, she might be disgusted, just like Jensen’s mom._

“Jared.”

He is pulled out of his thoughts at the sound of his sister’s voice, and he turns to find her standing in the entryway. “Come watch Family Guy with me?” she asks with an unsure smile, sensing the tension in the room.

Jared rubs his face tiredly but gives her a small smile. “Sure, I can do that.”

“I don’t know if I like you guys watching that show, it sets a bad example,” their mom speaks up with a frown to which both Jared and Megan share a smirk.

“Step into the twenty-first century mom, you’re so old fashioned,” Jared teases lightly and laughs when his mom sends an indignant look his way and swats him with a dishtowel until he runs from the room, laughing the whole way.

  
**Teach me to number my days**   
**And count every moment**   
**Before it slips away**   
**Take in all the colors**   
**Before they fade to grey**   


**:0Ж0:**

Jared stretches his sinewy body out on the couch, all cat like, and smirks when his sister grouches at him because he has his legs across her lap like she isn’t even there. He just grins, showing her that he couldn’t care in the slightest, and crosses his legs at the ankle. Megan huffs with a playful glare fixed firmly on her features before knocking his legs off, making him tip precariously on the couch, nearly toppling over onto the floor. He flails for a moment inelegantly before regaining his balance and sending his sister a heated glare. Megan just smiles at him, trying to retain an air of innocence which doesn’t fool Jared at all and she yelps in protest when he pinches her very ticklish side.

Jared swivels his head around to the clock hanging on the wall and lets out a sigh when he sees he and Jensen have an hour before they need to be at the airport. That leaves them just enough time to gather their belongings and say their goodbyes before they have to rush off to make it in time for their flight. Part of Jared hates to leave, he always feels this way after visiting his family, but another part will be glad to get back to California. Jared is a long way from figuring out how to fix things with Jensen but the familiarity of California, their home, makes him feel more confident for some strange reason that he doesn’t fully understand.

He sends Megan a regretful look before drawing himself to his feet and slowly making his way over to Jensen’s bedroom door, wondering if Jensen will even acknowledge him this time. He knocks on the door with a heavy heart and bated breath and feels like pulling his hair out in frustration when his knock goes unanswered. He knows Jensen is upset with him, has every right to be, but avoiding him like this and not even acknowledging a knock on his door is just plain childish. Jensen has never acted like this before and that worries Jared more than anything, makes him wonder if things are worse between them than he originally believed.

“Come on, Jen, we’ve got an hour to get our shit together before we have to catch our flight,” Jared waits a few beats of a minute, practically holding his breath waiting for a response and sighing audibly when, once again, he is ignored. “Damn it… Jen, I know you’re pissed at me, and I get it, but aren’t you gonna at least come say goodbye to my family?”

Jared can feel his patience wearing thin when he still receives no answer and he is decidedly relieved when he grasps the doorknob and finds it to be unlocked. He cautiously enters the room, unsure what mood Jensen will be in, and feels his heart jump into his throat when he pushes the door open completely. The room is empty, not a soul in sight, and the bed is still made. Jared is drawn to one of two conclusions. Either Jensen never came home last night or he left early this morning while everyone was still asleep. Neither scenario is a particularly good one but the former worries Jared the most.

Jared quickly crosses the room and thrusts open the closet doors, breath hitching in his throat when he sees Jensen’s duffel on the floor. Jared turns away from the closet, silently cursing himself for not checking on Jensen last night when he got home, though rationally he couldn’t have known. That doesn’t help to make him feel any better though, because Jensen obviously never came home last night and now one question is repeating over and over again in his head like a mantra: where is Jensen?

He half stumbles, half runs from the room and his family looks up at him in surprise when he rushes into the living room, wide eyed and panicked. His mom rounds the couch without another moment’s hesitation and steps close to him, placing a hand on his arm and telling him to calm down. Jared feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest, heaving breaths escaping his lungs as he tries to speak. His mom leads him over to the couch and tries to get him to sit down and explain what is wrong but the panic flowing through his veins won’t allow him to calm down, the need to run out the door and find Jensen too strong.

Jared tears his arm out of her grasp more roughly than he intends and starts pacing the room, hands shaking as he runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a shaky breath. “Jensen’s not in his room,” he speaks with an edge of hysteria in his tone as he lifts his eyes and looks at his family members with wide eyes. “Jensen’s not here!”

“Jared, you need to calm down,” his dad’s stern voice suddenly breaks through the panic clouding his mind and he looks up to find his dad at his side, looking concerned but composed. “Now, take a deep breath and try explaining what’s wrong.”

Jared does as instructed, taking in a deep breath before letting it out on a long exhale and repeating the process once more. “I just went to the guest room to tell Jensen we have to get ready to go,” Jared speaks as clearly as he can with panic trying to get the best of him again. “When he didn’t answer me I let myself in, but… he isn’t in there, he’s not here! I know he didn’t leave without me either ‘cause his stuff is still in the closet.”

“Honey, don’t you think you’re worrying for nothing? He could have just gone for a walk this morning, I’m sure he’ll turn up any minute now,” His mom tries to console him, make him see reason, but deep in Jared’s gut he has a bad feeling.

“No, if he went for a walk he would have been back by now, not to mention he would have left a note ‘cause he hates worrying anyone. That just isn’t like Jen, I _know_ him, and he wouldn’t have just taken off like that without letting anyone know beforehand,” Jared tells them, completely convinced. “Something’s wrong mom, I can feel it. We have to find him.”

His parents simply stare at him for a moment, trying to discern how serious he is and if there is any real cause to worry. Something on Jared’s face must convince them because the expression on his dad’s face hardens and he gives a nod of his head. His mom looks more concerned now as she unconsciously rubs Jared’s arm soothingly, while Megan and Jeff just look on with an identical wide set of eyes.

“Alright, grab your shoes, we’ll go out and look for him,” his dad says as he pulls his car keys out of the pocket of his jeans.

Jared doesn’t have to be told twice as he practically races to the stairs and takes them two at a time. He finds his shoes where he kicked them off last night, one lying in front of his nightstand and the other half under his bed, and puts them on as quickly as he can with shaking hands. He nearly trips in his haste to get back downstairs but this doesn’t deter him as he rushes to the front door where his dad is waiting for him.

His dad merely raises his eyebrows, silently asking if he is ready to go, and Jared just nods his head as he waits impatiently for his dad to open the door. The moment the door is open Jared practically runs outside, nearly bowling his dad over in his haste, and he is grateful to find the door of his dad’s pickup truck unlocked. He climbs into the cab, restraining himself in time before he slams the door behind him, and he can’t stop from fidgeting in his seat as his dad gets behind the wheel.

“Got any ideas where we should look first?” his dad asks as he turns the key and the engine rumbles to life.

“Last place I saw him was at the bar we went to last night, it’d probably be best to start there and see where it takes us,” Jared answers as calmly as he can while sitting on the edge of his seat anxiously, figuratively speaking.

Just as they are pulling out of the driveway Jared sees Megan run out of the house with a desperate look on her face as she waves her arms about and screams at the top of her lungs to get their attention. Jared points her out to his dad and jumps out of the truck when his dad hits the brakes. At first all Jared can think is maybe Jensen just called and told them he is on his way, but the genuine fear in his sister’s eyes has his heart jumping into his throat as a sense of foreboding settles over him like a gray cloud.

Megan’s eyes are wide with a touch of fear as she breathlessly tells him he needs to come back into the house, _now_. The urgency in her tone puts Jared on his guard and all he can do is nod his head in response as he turns his head, calling back to his dad, and then swiftly heads into the warmth of his family home. He finds his mom in the living room where her eyes are glued to the television, and when she turns to look at him, he can tell he is about to hear some very bad news.

He prepares himself the best that he can when having of clue on what he is about to hear and turns his attention to the television, tuned to the news channel. The first thing he notices are the words sliding across the top of the screen: Breaking News, and he feels his heart skip a beat in his chest when he hears the words coming from the broadcaster’s mouth. He can sense his brother’s presence at his side, a warm hand landing on his shoulder, but all he can focus on is his world crashing down around him.

“…here with the latest on the brutal beating of a young man found early this morning.” Jared tunes in during the middle of the broadcaster’s sentence and tries to wrap his mind around what he is hearing. “Until this time the victim’s identity was unknown but we recently received information from the hospital that the young man found this morning at the B&B Construction site has now been identified as Jensen Ackles.”

Jared’s breath hitches in his throat and for a moment it is like he forgets how to even breathe. If it weren’t for Jeff’s hand on his shoulder, standing almost directly behind him, he would fall backwards at the shock to his system. This all feels like a bad dream, a very vivid nightmare that couldn’t possibly be real. Jared knows it couldn’t get any more real though, and the urge to scream is strong and overwhelming.

“At this time all we know is that he is still in critical condition but we will keep you up to update on this terrible story the moment we receive more information.” The woman speaks to the camera in front of her, the hospital in view directly behind her. “Back to you in the studio.”

All is silent in the room once his mom turns off the television, looking at him with worried eyes like he will completely fall apart in front of her. He feels like he may just do that, if it weren’t for his brother anchoring him. He couldn’t speak right now even if his life depended on it; he is in a state of shock and it is hard for him to even focus on the people around him. All he can think about is the fact that Jensen is hurt, is in the hospital, in critical condition.

Blinding anger eventually breaks through the numbing shock and he feels his body shake with it. Someone hurt Jensen, someone laid their hands on his Jensen and he wasn’t there to stop it. The anger recedes a little when he thinks about this and it makes way for guilt. _I shouldn’t have left him_ , he tells himself as tears prick his eyes. _I was supposed to protect him, I should’ve protected him!_

He is pulled from his thoughts of despair and remorse when his mom cups his face and looks into his wet eyes with her soft hazel ones. “You should go to the hospital, J.T,” she tells him softly. “That’s where you want to be, and it’s where you’re needed. Your dad will drive you and the rest of us will meet you there, okay?”

All Jared can manage is a nod of his head, feeling as though he has lost his ability to speak, and he allows his dad to steer him out of the house. His whole body is rigid and he feels detached from reality as he climbs into the cab of his dad’s truck. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t even move, as his dad starts the engine and backs out of the driveway. He catches his dad sending worried glances in his direction and he hears the sincerity in his dad’s words when he tells him everything will be okay, but still he can’t bring himself to breathe a word. All he can think about is Jensen, hoping and praying he will be alright.

  
**I don't want to miss**   
**Even just a second more of this**

**Slow down, slow down**   
**Before you turn around and it's too late**   


**:0Ж0:**

The nurse at the front desk says she can’t give them any information but she does call the doctor tending to Jensen and tells them to wait in the waiting room. Jared doesn’t have the patience to wait in the waiting room though, can hardly think straight as he stands a few feet away from the front desk and adamantly refuses to move. The last thing he can handle is sitting in a cold waiting room, on those unforgiving hard chairs, while he waits anxiously for the doctor to come speak to them.

All he wants is to see Jensen and he refuses to be denied, he has to lay his eyes on his boyfriend before he can hope to calm down. After a few times of trying to get Jared to sit down in the waiting room his dad gives up with a sigh and leans against the wall next to him, in direct sight of the hallway in which Jared is sure the doctor will come from. He can’t explain it but he needs to see the moment the doctor heads their way, has to keep his eyes on that hallway, and he can’t do that from the waiting room.

As he stands there, stock still, eyes hard, he wonders how bad Jensen’s condition really is. The news said he was in critical condition but he could have improved between then and now. Jared is seriously hoping he has; the thought of Jensen lying somewhere in this hospital, hurt, just tears at Jared’s heart because he can’t help thinking that he could have prevented this. If only he hadn’t left Jensen there on his own, had taken Jensen home, the person that did this never would have had the chance to hurt him.

Jared stands a little straighter, if that is even possible, when a doctor rounds the corner and heads down the hall, white coat flapping behind him. He stops to converse with the nurse a moment before she points in their direction and then Jared moves away from the wall to meet the doctor half way. The middle aged doctor gets right down to business, asking Jared if he is immediate family. Jared briefly considers lying, but he knows he wouldn’t get away with it when his dad is standing right behind him.

“I’m his best friend, he came here with me from California to visit my family for New Years,” Jared admits in a rush of words, looking at the doctor with wide, pleading eyes. “Please, tell me, is he alright? Can I see him?”

The doctor looks sympathetic, if not a bit suspicious, as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry I can’t give you any information or let you see him unless you’re family, hospital policy.”

Jared can tell the doctor is genuinely sorry to be telling him this but he just cannot accept it, he needs to see Jensen and he needs to see him now. “Please, doctor, I need to see him, need to know he’s alright. He doesn’t have any family here, I’m the only one he knows… I’m the only one.” He trails off on a whisper, knowing he is fighting a losing battle when the doctor’s face hardens.

“I’m sorry sir, but unless you’re family, I cannot permit you to see him,” he tells Jared, firm and unyielding. “Considering the condition in which your friend was brought in, I have no way of knowing if you are who you say you are and my patient’s safety is top priority. I’m sorry, I truly am, you seem sincere enough, but I cannot allow you to see him.”

Jared’s shoulders slump but the desperation coursing through his body is unrelenting and he is ready to get down on his knees and beg if that is what he has to do. He can’t be this close to Jensen and not be able to see him, that is just cruel and unusual punishment at its finest. Not to mention Jared hates the thought of Jensen somewhere in this building, alone without anyone he knows at his bedside, making sure he is alright.

His heart rate picks up when the doctor apologizes one last time and turns to leave them behind. Every fiber of his being is telling him to reach out, stop the doctor from leaving, and force him to let Jared see Jensen. Before he can do anything that might get him kicked out of the hospital an unfamiliar voice yells for the doctor, stopping him in place. Jared turns to find a woman with blonde hair rushing to the doctor’s side, and a man Jared assumes to be her husband not too far behind.

The woman has tears in her green eyes that Jared finds to be so very familiar and his eyes track every move she makes as she grabs at the doctor’s arm impulsively. Jared watches her curiously, silently wondering if this is Jensen’s mom, and his thoughts are confirmed when he sees Mackenzie and Josh join them at the doctor’s side a moment later. Jared always wondered how he would react, how he would feel, were he ever to meet Jensen’s parents. Of course, he never expected to meet them under such horrible circumstances but then again he never expected to meet them at all.

Instead of sympathizing with the tears in their eyes and the pain on their faces Jared feels a surge of anger and resentment fill his soul as he watches them plead with the doctor to let them see their son. He knows it is a terrible thing to think but he can’t help resenting them, thinking to himself, _You tossed him out into the cold when he needed you and_ now _you’re trying to act like the supportive and caring parents? Well, sorry to break it to you, but it’s too little too late!_

He knows he should feel bad for thinking such a horrible thing, he knows Jensen secretly wants to make amends with his parents, he does love them after all, but Jared just can’t help resenting them for how they have treated Jensen. _What gives them the right to come in here and play their family card and be able to see Jen when I’m not allowed to? It’s not like they care, and even if they do, I’m the one that’s been there for him, the one who accepted him for who he is when they were the ones that turned their backs on him_ , he thinks sullenly to himself.

_You were too cowardly to admit you loved him to your family, couldn’t even tell them he was gay… are you really any better than them?_ A voice speaks up in the back of his mind and he slinks back at the harsh truth of those words, avoiding everyone’s eyes in shame. Not even the comforting warmth of his dad’s hand on his shoulder can make him feel any better because right now he feels like the worst human being on the face of the earth, undeserving of someone like Jensen, and he can’t help feeling like this is all his fault.

Jensen’s family begins walking down the hall when the doctor says he will lead them to his room and give them the details of his condition and Jared starts to follow but the doctor stops him with a hand against his chest.

“I’m sorry, I’ve told you already, only family.”

An argument is on the tip of Jared’s tongue because damn it, they can’t keep him away from Jensen, but Josh steps forward and looks the doctor straight in the eyes. “I’m family and I say he’s allowed to see Jensen,” he says firmly, leaving no room for argument.

The doctor simply nods his head and tells them to follow him. Jared’s dad tells him to go ahead, that he will wait down in the waiting room for his mom to arrive, and Jared manages a curt nod of his head. He doesn’t hesitate to step in line, walking beside Mackenzie, who is rather quiet and solemn. Jared wishes he could offer her some comfort but he isn’t exactly in the right frame of mind himself to offer anyone such a thing.

They ride the elevator up to the third floor in silence, each lost in similar thoughts of worry and fear. Once the doors slide open they follow the doctor to a room at the end of the long hall, every step harder than the one previous. Jared is a little afraid of what he will see the moment he steps foot in that room but his stride doesn’t falter.

Jared steps into the dimly lit room with a heavy heart, the blinds drawn to block out the sunlight, and his eyes well up with tears the moment they land on Jensen. His boyfriend is lying beneath pristine white sheets, looking fragile and pale as a ghost, with bruises standing out in stark relief. Jared feels devastated by the sight of him, bringing him pain and causing a deep seated anger.

“Oh God, Jen, look at you,” Jared whispers as tears overflow and slide down his face. He reaches out and takes Jensen’s uninjured limp hand in his own, holding it carefully and caressing with the pad of his thumb, unconcerned by the people in the room, just needing to feel Jensen and know he’s still alive.

He just doesn’t see how anyone could do this, doesn’t understand why anyone would want to hurt Jensen. His boyfriend is one of the nicest people he knows, shy and reserved by nature. Why anyone would want to harm him is beyond Jared. Whoever did this was serious and didn’t hold back, that much is obvious just by looking at Jensen. His face is covered in bruises, discolored and painful looking, and Jared is struck by the fact that he can hardly recognize the man lying in that bed.

Jared is aware of the doctor speaking but he can’t focus long enough to know what he is saying. He knows he should probably be listening, knows the doctor is likely telling everyone the full extent of Jensen’s injuries and how serious they are, but instead he finds himself stepping closer to the bed that holds his whole world. No one tries to stop him thankfully, though he doesn’t believe anyone could stop him now that he’s mere inches away from Jensen, and he doesn’t hesitate to take up residence on the chair at Jensen’s bed side. He is pretty sure he won’t be leaving this chair any time soon and he’ll be damned before he allows anyone to make him leave. He left Jensen once already when he was vulnerable, he refuses to do it again.

“We performed surgery the moment he was admitted and were able to stop the internal bleeding,” The doctor’s voice floats in and out of Jared’s hearing, and he has a tough time focusing on the doctor’s words and giving Jensen his full attention at the same time.

“His right leg is broken in two places and there are fractures in his left wrist as well as his forearm, the damage is minimal though and should heal nicely. He has suffered a couple of broken and cracked ribs but we’re hopeful they will heal properly. He was lucky they didn’t puncture his lungs,” the doctor tells them all in the gentlest tone he can manage. “As you can see he has sustained some contusions to his face, chest and torso but those should all heal in time and will leave minimal to no scaring. At some point he was hit in the temple more than once, and that is what worries us a little. We cannot determine what kind of damage this has caused.”

“Please, give it to us straight, will our boy be alright?” his mom asks as she glances in Jensen’s direction, tearing up at the sight of him.

“I don’t want to alarm you but Jensen slipped into a coma shortly after being admitted, but that is rather common in these cases and I’m positive it will only be temporary. We will all just have to wait it out and hope he wakes up soon,” the doctor speaks regretfully and Jared can tell this is the part of his job he hates. “We’ll be monitoring him closely. Don’t worry Mrs. Ackles, your son is in good hands.”

Despite the devastated expression on her face Jensen’s mom manages to nod her head and none of them speak as the doctor makes a silent exit. Jared turns away from the room’s occupants and focuses solely on Jensen, fighting to see him through the tears blurring his vision. He ignores everyone else in the room, at some point forgetting they are even there, and he refuses to let Jensen’s hand go for even a moment.

_Come on Jen, you have to wake up, I need to tell you how sorry I am_ , he thinks to himself while his eyes take inventory of every bruise and cut on Jensen’s face, his lower lip beginning to tremble. _You need to know that I love you, that you‘re the best thing that‘s ever happened to me. Please… just open your eyes…_

  
**It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash**   
**It happens in the time it took to look back**   
**I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time**   
**What is it I've done with my life?**   
**It happens in a blink**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Blink - by Revive


	23. The Bitter Taste of Losing Everything

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Two:**  
 _The Bitter Taste of Losing Everything_  
-~*~-

January 6th, 2001

Jensen’s mom sits quietly at the table by the window, watching her son with heartbroken eyes, but Jared doesn’t say anything to her. He hasn’t really said a word to her since they met and he’s a little afraid he may say something rude with his mind in the state it currently is in. He hasn’t forgotten what she did, pushing her own son out of her life, and Jared can’t find a way to forgive her for it.

He does his best to ignore her presence as he sits vigilant at Jensen’s bedside, holding tightly to the man’s limp hand, carefully caressing the scraped and inflamed skin with his thumb. Tears threaten to fill his eyes as he takes in every bruise and cut littering Jensen’s still face, guilt steadily eating him alive. He is struck by how fragile Jensen looks, lying so still upon white sheets. He has never seen Jensen as fragile, his boyfriend is one of the strongest people Jared knows, but he looks so fragile and vulnerable now. It breaks Jared’s heart.

He hasn’t left Jensen’s side since he arrived and he just wishes Jensen would open his eyes, reassure Jared that he is fine. He knows that probably sounds selfish to some degree - he is the one that needs to be strong and supportive to Jensen, not the other way around - but with every hour that passes without Jensen waking up Jared just grows more worried.

He wants nothing more than to find the person that did this to Jensen and kill them with his bare hands. He doesn’t think that sounds harsh either, because looking at the condition Jensen is in, he is just baffled that anyone could hurt this gentle person so badly. He can’t imagine why anybody would want to and it leads him to wonder how it happened in the first place. Jensen is shy and reserved by nature, he doesn’t start conversations usually, so Jared imagines someone had to have approached him.

No matter how Jared looks at it, or the various scenarios that cross his mind, he still can’t figure out how this could have happened. It is just so surreal and bewildering. One can never expect something like this to happen, could never attempt to prepare for something like this. Jared is just so sorry that it had to happen to Jensen, and if he could trade places with the motionless man, he would in a heartbeat.

_This never should’ve happened_ , he thinks fiercely to himself and the anger inside just continues to build. He can’t help feeling guilty and angry at himself too. He keeps telling himself that he never should have left Jensen there, never should have left him alone, because maybe then this never would have happened. He knows it is useless thinking this way, there is nothing he can do to change the past, but the guilt he feels inside won’t let the thought go.

Briefly he tightens his hold on Jensen’s hand, silently willing him to wake up, pleading, but Jensen doesn’t even flinch. Jared closes his eyes tightly when tears begin to sting them and his chest feels tight. He would give anything for Jensen to open his eyes, even if just for a moment, so that Jared knows he will be alright. He won’t be able to rest until he knows Jensen will come back to him. It might sound selfish but he really needs that reassurance from Jensen.

_Please wake up Jen, don’t leave me here alone_ , he pleads silently as desperation takes hold and the fear inside begins to mount. He is so afraid Jensen’s injuries are too extensive for his body to handle, and he knows he will die if anything happens to the light haired man. He knows what it is like to not have Jensen in his life and he doesn’t want to go through that again, especially since this time would be more permanent.

_If only you hadn’t left him there_ , Jared berates himself for what seems like the thousandth time. _This never would have happened if you had stayed, Jensen never would have been hurt._

“Jared, honey.”

Jared lifts his eyes at the sound of his mom’s voice and wants to cry at the concern he finds in her eyes as she stares down at his slumped form. He knows he is worrying her, it is as plain as day on her face, but he doesn’t know how to reassure her. Right now he feels on the edge of a breakdown, can’t rest until Jensen opens his eyes and is afraid to leave his side. He is sure if he were to look in a mirror he would see dark circles under his eyes and a pale complexion.

“You’ve been here since he was admitted,” she speaks softly. “You should get some rest. Please let me take you home, you can get some real sleep and some food and then I’ll bring you back in a few hours. You’re gonna be no good to Jensen if you can’t keep your eyes open and make yourself sick.”

Jared has managed a couple of cat naps but not enough rest that his body needs to function properly. The sun has already gone down on another day and the most sleep Jared has gotten between yesterday morning and today is two hours tops. He knows his mom is right and he should go home and rest up, but he can’t bear the thought of leaving Jensen’s side even for a moment. He needs to be here, needs to be here the moment Jensen wakes up, and Jared won’t have it any other way. He wants his face to be the first one Jensen sees when he opens his green eyes and no one can talk him out of it.

He highly doubts he would find much rest if he were to go home like his mom wants anyway. He would be too worried about Jensen, too many thoughts running through his mind to allow him to sleep. It is best to stay where he is and no one can convince him otherwise. He knows his mom won’t be happy with his refusal, might even be disappointed, but his mind is made up and he won’t leave Jensen’s side unless someone bodily pries him away.

Jared shakes his head and feels a touch of guilt when his mom’s face falls. “I can’t mom, I just… I can’t leave him.”

“He won’t be alone if that’s what you’re worried about,” his mom speaks in a consoling tone. “His family is here with him.”

Jared shakes his head fiercely at this, knowing Jensen’s relationship with his family but realizing it isn’t his place to tell his mom. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Jensen in the care of his parents, despite the fact that Josh and Mackenzie are here. Leaving Jensen is not an option in Jared’s opinion and his mom is just going to have to accept that.

“I… I can’t mom, I’m not leaving him. I know his family is here, and he’s not technically alone, but I… I left him once mom, I left him alone at that bar, and look what happened to him.” The tears in Jared’s eyes bleed into his voice, making it rough and wrecked, pleading. He has made up his mind, he isn’t leaving Jensen’s side, but he wants desperately for his mom to understand. “I can’t leave him again, even if I know he’s safe. I can’t leave him when he needs me. I wasn’t there when he needed me most but I can be here now, I can be here the second he wakes up. Please try to understand, I know you’re worried, and I’m grateful, but I _need_ to be here.”

“Okay Jared, just calm down.” His mom places a hand on his arm, her eyes wide with compassion and concern and it is in this moment that Jared realizes he is trembling with the emotion coursing through him that he is trying so hard to keep inside. He can’t break down right now, he feels on edge but he needs to be strong right now. If he gives into his emotions now he will be no use to anyone, much less Jensen.

“I won’t make you come home, you can stay here with your friend. But promise me you’ll try to get some rest while you’re here, even if you have to sleep at his side.”

“I’ll do my best.” Jared smiles softly, not exactly promising anything but hoping this will reassure her a little.

“I’m going to head home now but I’ll be back later with some food for you. I don’t want to hear any complaints and you better eat every last bit of it. You need to eat and get some sleep to keep up your strength young man,” she tells him in her stern ‘mom’ voice but he can see the concern plain as day in her eyes.

He reassures her once more that he will eat whatever she brings him, though his stomach is in knots and just the thought of food has it tumbling unpleasantly. It appeases her however, and that is all that matters.

His attention is brought immediately back to Jensen the moment his mom leaves the room and he lets out a little, inaudible sigh as he takes in all the noticeable injuries marring the visible skin. It hurts to see Jensen like this, physically hurts, and it strikes Jared like a physical blow when he realizes Jensen’s face is just a canvas of black and blue with random cuts here and there. Whoever did this wasn’t playing around, leaving hardly an area on Jensen’s face untouched, and Jared’s heart aches at the brutality Jensen was subjected to.

_I wasn’t there when you needed me most_ , he torments himself silently as Jensen’s form blurs because of the tears filling Jared’s eyes once more. _I could have prevented this, you never would have been hurt… God, I’m so sorry Jen._

Jared reaches out without a second thought and places his hand over Jensen’s heart to feel the reassuring thump beneath his palm, more reassuring than even the beep of the heart monitor. He concentrates with everything he has on each beat of Jensen’s heart, reaching out to that faint feeling against his palm and feeling a little better now that he has something to hold on to. As long as Jensen’s heart keeps beating, Jared has hope left to grasp hold of.

“I guess it’s safe to assume your relationship with my son goes beyond mere friendship.”

Jared startles at the sound of Donna’s voice, breaking through the trance-like state he found himself in. He slowly turns his head to regard the pale woman for the first time and isn’t quite sure how to respond to her. There is no way he is going to deny it, he couldn’t do that to Jensen, but he can’t quite make out if she is upset or not. He couldn’t give a damn if she doesn’t approve of course, but the last thing they need right now is tension in the room.

Donna’s eyes, a deep sea green like Jensen’s, implore him silently. Her gaze softens the longer they stare at each other and Jared is able to discern that there is no judgment in her eyes. She seems genuinely curious and eager to know about the side of Jensen’s life she has missed out on. He doesn’t see the disappointment in her eyes that Jensen described to him and Jared has to wonder if she has finally come to terms with her son’s sexuality. It is quite possible that she wants to be Jensen’s mom again.

_It won’t be that easily done_ , he thinks to himself as he stares at the woman beside him. _She’s gonna have to regain Jensen’s trust, she doesn’t realize how broken she left him._

“I’m his boyfriend,” Jared says with confidence, meeting Donna’s stare head-on and silently daring her to say something negative.

A soft, understanding smile is the last thing he is expecting but he must admit he is relieved to see it. “I figured as much.” She speaks softly, that soft smile never leaving her lips as her gaze slides over to her son. “I can tell you care deeply about him, and I’m glad for that. Jensen’s a good boy, he deserves to have someone who loves him, deserves to be happy.”

“He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known, stronger than I could ever hope to be.” Jared speaks softly, almost wistfully, as he turns his gaze to Jensen as well. “He has admirable ambitions and I think if anyone can make a difference in this world it’ll be him ‘cause he doesn’t give up and stays true to himself and what he believes in. The world needs someone like him.”

Donna nods, smiling tearfully. “He’s always had a good head on his shoulders, has always wanted to help people. He’s a special person and I’ve always known he’d go far in life. He’s always been a shy boy but he isn’t afraid to speak up and be heard and many people love that about him.”

“He doesn’t always know that, people tend to take him for granted and hurt him with their closed-mindedness, so I can see why his self-esteem could be so low,” Jared says more bitingly than he intends, wincing slightly when the words leave his lips. He hadn’t wanted to start an argument or get into this with Jensen’s mother, least of all right now, but sometimes his mouth works before his head has a chance to think his words through.

He hears her sharp intake of breath and has to close his eyes tightly, silently berating himself for bringing the subject up now of all times. He can tell that she is hurting, is having a tough time seeing her son in this condition, and Jared really didn’t want to make this more difficult on her. He knows he should have kept his mouth shut, should have had a better hold on his impulses, but the words are out and there is nothing he can do to take them back now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers with a soft sigh, remorse in his tone. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just so stressed out and worried that my mouth isn’t attached to my brain right now.”

“No,” she says with a solemn shake of her head. “No, you’re right. I wasn’t there for him when I should have been. I turned my back on my own son, and there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I haven’t regretted that.”

Jared’s face scrunches up in confusion as he turns to look at the woman sitting beside him, a defeated and heartbroken look on her face. “I don’t understand,” he whispers. “If you’ve regretted your actions and aren’t actually disappointed in him, then why haven’t you tried to contact him?”

“I’ve wanted to, many times,” she says firmly as she raises her sad eyes to Jared’s. “But I was so ashamed of how I treated my baby boy. I had always said he could come to me about anything, that I would love him no matter what ’cause a family’s love is unconditional. But when he came to me looking for acceptance and support I turned my back on him, drove him away from his home. I wasn’t a very good mom to him in that moment.”

Jared watches in silence as Donna rises from her chair and walks to Jensen’s side, the side Jared isn’t occupying. She reaches out tentatively and takes his hand in hers, the first time she has been able to bring herself to touch him. Jared can’t blame her, Jensen is pretty beaten up, even he has been afraid to touch him, afraid he will somehow hurt Jensen more.

“I couldn’t bring myself to call him and try to explain myself, even though I know I should have. I was afraid he wouldn’t want to talk to me, and the last time I had spoken to him on the phone had been tense and I didn’t know what to say to him. I had hurt my son, I knew I had, and I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to talk to me after everything I had said that night.”

“He was hurt,” Jared agrees with a nod of his head. “But Jensen loves you, no matter what went down between you. He needed you in his life, he _still_ does.”

“I knew I should’ve plucked up the courage to call him, always told myself that one day I would, but now…” Jared watches as her lower lip begins to tremble and tears slide down her cheeks, making her eyes look glassy. “Now I may never get the chance to tell him I’m sorry, that I love him no matter what and I accepted him for who he is a long time ago. I may never get the chance to tell him how proud I am of him for staying true to himself and being brave enough to be who he is no matter what the world may think. I just want to make things right… but I might not have that chance anymore, I waited too long.”

“Mrs. Ackles, Jensen isn’t dead,” Jared says as firmly as he can, hoping to get through to her. “He’s right here, and he’s _going to_ wake up. You still have the chance to make things right, don’t give up yet.”

Donna takes a deep breath and smiles gratefully. “Thank you Jared, I don’t deserve your kindness, but thank you,” she tells him with a soft smile on her face, tears still shining in her eyes. “You be good to my son Jared, and take care of him. I can see that my son is lucky to have you, he deserves someone like you in his life.”

Jared responds with a tight, strained smile. He’s not all too sure she is right; he personally thinks Jensen deserves someone better, someone who will treat him better than Jared has, but he is so grateful to be the one Jensen’s chosen. He doesn’t know what he has done to be so lucky but he will make sure never to take Jensen for granted again. He just hopes he can get Jensen to believe him, and give him another chance. Jared may not have been ready to love him the way he is meant to be before, but he is now… he couldn’t be more positive about that.

**:0Ж0:**

January 8th, 2001

Jared paces the length of the compact hospital room, stretching the kinks out of his aching legs, borne from sitting in a chair for long periods of time. Josh sits at the table by the window while Mackenzie has taken up the chair Jared abandoned next to Jensen. It breaks his heart to see the pain on her face as she stares at her brother, lightly caressing his forearm without a word.

She hasn’t really said much these past few days, just stands off by herself quietly with a broken look on her face. Jared can tell this is taking its toll on her and he honestly didn’t expect anything less, considering how close she and Jensen are. He wants to comfort her, reassure her in some way, but he can’t find the words. He isn’t even sure she would want that right now, since she has seemingly isolated herself from everyone, not even speaking more than a few words to Josh.

Jared paces some more, doing his best to keep his eyes off of Mackenzie, the sight too depressing for him. His emotional state is in turmoil as it is, the helplessness of the situation becoming too much to bear. This is nothing but a waiting game now, waiting for Jensen to wake up, not knowing when that will be. Jared is certain Jensen will wake up, he has to believe that, but with every hour, every day that passes, the tension just begins to grow within.

Jared’s gaze is brought to the door of the room when movement captures his attention. He breathes out a sigh of relief when he finds Chris and Steve entering the room. He called them as soon as he pulled himself out of the shock of the situation, the very moment he could talk himself into leaving Jensen’s side, which was something he was reluctant to do, even for just long enough to make a phone call. He is really glad they are here though, he needs a little moral support from his friends. Besides, they are very close to Jensen themselves and it didn’t surprise him at all when Chris firmly stated they would be here as soon as they could.

Chris stops short, just three steps shy of Jensen’s bedside and stares with fire and water in his eyes, jaw clenched so tight it hurts Jared’s jaw just to see it. Steve sucks in a breath at the sight of his friend, appalled by the condition he is in. Jared had informed them of Jensen’s condition, told them what to expect when they arrived, but words can’t prepare someone for the reality of it. Seeing it with your own eyes, the brutality, is something no one could possibly prepare themselves for.

Steve turns to Jared with wide eyes and visibly shakes himself before crossing the distance between them. Jared allows himself to be pulled into a tight embrace, holding onto Steve just as tightly, fisting his hands into the back his friend’s shirt. They stay like that for a while, not speaking, just drawing comfort from one another. Jared doesn’t know what he would say even if he wanted to speak. He feels almost numb inside, spread thin and breaking at the seams. Part of him wants to cry, to get out all these emotions choking the life out of him, but the tears won’t come, even though he can feel them burning his eyes.

“My God, how the fuck did this happen?” Chris asks in disbelief as he stands over Jensen’s still form, staring down at his slack features, looking as though he wants to reach out and touch but is almost afraid to. In all his life Jared has never seen Chris so conflicted, has never seen him look truly afraid, and it disconcerts Jared more than he wants to admit. In a way, Chris’ reaction makes the situation more real, though Jared honestly doesn’t know how that is possible seeing as _Jensen_ is living proof of just how _real_ this is.

Chris turns to Jared after a short while, a wild look on his face, like he is on the verge of hitting something just to let out some of the anger. “Jared, what the hell happened?” he asks, like Jared holds all the answers.

Jared wishes he could give Chris something concrete, but the truth is he can’t. He doesn’t know what happened, doesn’t know who did this or why. These are questions that have been plaguing his mind for the past few days and he has yet to reach any answers. None of it makes sense; Jared can’t begin to fathom why anyone would want to hurt Jensen. He would like nothing more than to track the bastard down and beat him within an inch of his life, see how he likes it, and he knows Chris would be more than happy to help.

The cops still haven’t caught the person that hurt Jensen though, and it is pissing Jared off more and more. He doesn’t believe the person will get away with it, he has to believe the cops will find the jerk, but as each new day passes without the cops having anyone in custody, well, it dims Jared’s spirit more and more.

Jared lets out a heavy sigh and gives Chris a helpless expression. “I have no idea Chris, I wish I did. The cops still haven’t found who did this and none of us have any clue as to why this happened in the first place. The only way we’re gonna find out is whenever this jackass is caught or when Jen wakes up, whichever comes first.”

“Where did this happen?” Steve asks with so much confusion on his face. “When did it happen?”

“He was found at a construction site, I have no idea how it happened,” Jared responds softly, guilt wrapping him up in a cold blanket as he avoids his friends’ eyes. “I’m assuming it happened after he left the bar we went to.”

“Wait a minute, why didn’t you leave with him?” Chris asks, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

Jared clears his throat, not wanting to divulge this information, afraid his friends will blame him, but he knows they deserve the truth. Besides, even he blames himself for what happened to Jensen, he might as well be a man and own up to his mistakes. “I uh, I actually was the first to leave,” he admits quietly, once again unable to meet his friends’ eyes.

Silence follows his confession and when he finds the courage to look up Chris is looking at him like he has lost his mind. _No, he’s looking at me like he doesn’t even recognize me_ , Jared concludes with a bitter taste in his mouth, feeling that somehow this reaction is worse than Chris just thinking he has gone off the deep end.

“You left him there?” Chris asks, his voice low and hard, sounding unforgiving to Jared. “What the hell were you thinking Jare?”

“Chris, now is not the time for this,” Steve jumps into the conversation, voice firm and leaving no room for argument. “I know you’re overly protective of Jensen, but he is an adult, you can’t blame Jared for what happened to him and you’ll only regret it later on if you do.”

Chris merely stares back at Steve, the expression on his face never changing from hard and stubborn, not willing to back down. Slowly he turns his eyes to Jared, who is biting his lip near bloody with shame in his eyes. Chris stares between Jared and Steve a moment longer before he lets out a sigh and rubs a hand down his face wearily. “You’re right Steve,” he admits in a rough voice before looking at Jared once more. “I’m sorry Jay, I know this isn’t your fault. I just can’t believe this happened to Jen, and I’m fuckin’ angry as hell, but I realize I’m taking it out on the wrong person.”

“It’s okay Chris, I understand where you’re coming from,” Jared dismisses the apology with a wane smile, guilt still crashing through his system. “I keep beating myself up over it, I wish I hadn’t left him there, can’t help thinking he never would’ve gotten hurt if I had stayed.”

“No Jared, don’t do that to yourself,” Steve admonishes gently, gripping Jared’s shoulder and squeezing comfortingly. “There’s no way you could have known this would happen so you should stop blaming yourself for things out of your control.”

“Steve’s right Jay, he usually is,” Chris says, going for a smile, though it is laced with sadness. “None of us can change what happened and blaming yourself won’t help anyone, least of all Jensen. Best thing to do now is stick together, get each other through this, and be there for Jen when he wakes up,” he continues as he turns to look at Jensen, a frown on his face. “Something tells me he’s going to need it.”

“I’m really glad you guys are here,” Jared says after a moment, gaining his friends’ attention once more. “This has been really hard on me and just having you guys here, knowing what I’m going through… it helps.”

“Of course we’re here man, nothing could have kept us from getting here.” Steve pulls him into a one-armed hug, obviously sensing that Jared needs the physical contact right now.

Megan breaks up the moment by bursting into the room like a bat out of hell, panting heavily like she just ran a marathon, her expressive eyes trained on Jared like she’s trying to tell him something but can’t catch her breath long enough to get the words out. Jared’s heart leaps into his throat as he stares at his sister, knowing whatever she is about to say will either be really good news or very bad news; he is praying for the former.

“What is it Meg?” Jared asks a bit impatiently, urging her to tell him what is going on.

Josh rises from his seat, staring intently at Megan, the hope flaring in his eyes mixed with trepidation, obviously afraid to allow himself to hope only to have that hope dashed. “What did you find out?” he asks quietly as he approaches them.

“It was just on the news so I rushed over here right away,” Megan says through pants of breath, a smile steadily growing on her face. “They caught the guys that did this.”

“Guys? How many guys exactly?” Chris asks with a hardened expression.

“Two, Scott Youngberg and Andrew… uh, Andrew something, I can’t remember his last name.” She informs them with an apology written all over her face for not knowing the last name of the second guy. “The bartender from that night pointed the cops in their direction, saying they were rather friendly with Jensen and left immediately after he did. The cops found a bloodied 2x4 in the backseat of the guy’s pick-up.”

“Don’t suppose they’ll give me just a few minutes alone with the assholes, do ya?” Chris snarls angrily with an evil glint in his eyes that promises murder.

“They actually caught them,” Jared whispers almost in disbelief, happier than he can explain but somehow empty at the same time. He can’t explain it. He is glad these guys have been caught and will be punished for their crime, but that doesn’t exactly change Jensen’s condition and it doesn’t exactly make up for the emotional scars they inevitably left Jensen with.

_What matters is they’ve been caught and they’re gonna get what they deserve_ , Jared tells himself firmly, needing to remind himself of this whenever his hope dims. _At least they’re not on the streets anymore, haven’t gotten away with all the unnecessary torture they put Jensen through._

**:0Ж0:**

Still maintaining his vigil at Jensen’s bedside, Jared’s eyes are trained on pristine white sheets but he doesn’t actually acknowledge anything he is staring at. His mind is a million miles away, thought after thought racing through his brain but unable to stop long enough to examine any of them. He vaguely hears Chris leaving the room, telling them he will be back shortly. Jared has no idea why his friend is leaving, though he suspects Chris told them where he was going. He has been so lost in his thoughts today though that he feels a little distant.

His back is starting to ache from the slouched position his body has been in for the last few hours but he ignores the pain. Instead, he leans forward a bit more, elbows resting on his knees, and keeps Jensen’s hand held firmly in his, though his hand is growing sweaty by now. He has to keep some kind of physical contact with his boyfriend though, starts to feel anxious and panicked whenever he has to let Jensen go for too long.

Exhaustion is slowly creeping up on him and he is beginning to wonder how much longer he will last before it gets the best of him and he passes out. He hasn’t exactly gotten the rest his body, or mind, needs since this whole thing began and he can feel it taking its toll on him slowly but surely. His family is worried about him, as are Chris and Steve, but Jared refuses to give in to his body’s needs.

He isn’t stupid, he knows he will likely make himself sick at this rate, but he just can’t force himself to take the time required to get some real sleep. Everyone has tried talking to him, tried to get him to get some rest, saying that Jensen will be fine and he needn’t worry, but Jared won’t listen to them. He is constantly worrying about Jensen as it is, feels panicked when Jensen isn’t in sight much less beneath his hand, and being away from him for however long it would take to get some sleep would drive Jared insane.

_That is if I could even get some sleep_ , he muses to himself, knowing it wouldn’t be likely without Jensen near for Jared to worry over and be a general mother hen.

Jared looks up when he feels a hand on his shoulder and smiles apologetically when he finds Steve standing there, understanding and patience on his face. Jared knows he has been hogging Jensen, barely leaving his side long enough for others to sit and hold his hand. _I’m being selfish_ , he acknowledges with a bout of guilt as he reluctantly releases Jensen’s hand and rises to his feet.

Steve tries to stop him, telling him it is alright and he doesn’t have to move, that he will take his time with Jensen later. Jared won’t have it though, Steve came a long way to see Jensen and he deserves to sit and hold his hand for a little while. Steve smiles gratefully when Jared makes him sit next to Jensen’s beside and Jared smiles back softly.

“Hey man.” Steve speaks quietly to Jensen, reaching out to hold his limp hand in his own. “I’d ask how you’re doing but I think that’s kind of redundant. You’ve sure scared the hell out of a lot of people dude. Chris is itching to get his hands on the guys that did this to you, he’s starting to even scare me.”

Jared stands off to the side as he witnesses the one-sided conversation, his heart going out to Steve at the broken expression he sees on his friend’s face. It is no secret just how close Steve and Chris have gotten to Jensen, thinking of him as a little brother to tease and protect, especially Chris.

“You need to wake up and get better man, a lot of people are worried sick about you and we’re all missing you like crazy, especially Jared,” Steve looks at Jared as he says this, offering a comforting smile. “He hasn’t left your side since I got here, and from what I’ve been told he’s refused to leave you since you were admitted here. You have a lot of people waitin’ on ya man, and we all care about you a lot, you need to wake up for us. Especially for Jared ’cause he needs you, we all know he’s a basket case without you.”

“Thanks,” Jared comments dryly, rolling his eyes but unable to keep a small, lopsided smile off his face. “You do realize giving him a guilt trip won’t get him to wake up any sooner, right?”

Steve shrugs his shoulder and smiles. “Maybe not, but I thought it’d be worth a shot.”

“Yeah well, even when he does eventually wake up, the last thing he needs to concentrate is on me, he needs to focus on getting better,” Jared says with a weary sigh as he walks over to the lone table in the room and drops down heavily onto one of the chairs, covering his face with a large palm and rubbing at his aching eyes.

He can feel Steve’s inquisitive eyes on him but he doesn’t acknowledge his friend, just rubs a hand down his face and through his already disheveled hair, releasing another heavy sigh. Though he isn’t looking, he hears Steve rise from the chair and cross the distance between them, sitting down beside Jared at the table. Jared stubbornly refuses to look up, though he isn’t naïve enough to think Steve is fooled. He knows he is being rather obvious; it was only a matter of time before someone asked him what his problem is.

Jared has been trying his best not to think about _that_ night, trying not to think about all the things he could have done differently, but the guilt has been building and building and it is starting to wear him thin. He knows it is impossible to go back and change what happened that night, to take back the words he said and stop himself from walking out that door, but that is what he wants so badly. He wishes he could go back and do all the things he told Jensen he would do, tell his parents about them, show Jensen that he _does_ want him in his life and is ready to be the boyfriend he was supposed to be all along.

“Jared, what’s wrong?” Steve asks and Jared doesn’t have to see his friend’s face because concern colors his voice clearly. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing ‘cause I’ve been able to tell something’s bothering you since the moment I got here.”

Jared returns Steve’s stare for a long moment, contemplating whether to open up to his friend and get everything off his chest or if he should just deal with his guilt on his own. Steve’s face is so open and concerned though that he makes Jared want to open his heart. Besides, he has kept this to himself for so long and it is slowly killing him inside. Talking to a friend might help ease it a bit. Steve would be best to talk to because he will actually listen and withhold judgment whereas Chris would jump to conclusions, not to mention he was already blaming Jared for this earlier.

Of course, a large part of Jared believes he deserves to be blamed; he blames himself as it is, but right now he needs someone to listen and be rational. Chris isn’t in any state to do that and he can’t be blamed for it either considering how close he is to Jensen and how temperamental he is known to be.

Jared takes a deep intake of air, decision made, and bites his lip to gather his thoughts. “I’ve just been feeling very guilty lately Steve. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, about what happened between me and Jensen that night, and it’s getting to me real bad.”

“Well, then talk to me,” Steve says as though it is that simple. “You’ve always been able to talk to me, you know that.”

“You know all about the promises I made to Jensen when he took me back, right?” Jared asks just for clarification and continues when Steve nods his head. “Well, by the time we got here, I got scared. I was afraid of what my parents would do if I told them I was gay and in a relationship with my alleged ‘friend’ so I put it off and kept giving Jensen bullshit reasons. I even neglected to tell them that Jensen’s gay, ‘cause I was afraid they’d put two and two together. Jensen found out…”

“I’m guessing he wasn’t too happy about that,” Steve says when Jared trails off and doesn’t pick the conversation back up.

“Not at all, he was really disappointed and… and hurt. He was having doubts about us, about how serious I am about us. Seeing the hurt and utter defeat on his face, it just broke me man. I never wanted to see him look like that, yet that still didn’t stop me from being afraid,” Jared admits shamefully, unable to look Steve in the eyes anymore, afraid of seeing disappointment. “It was because of this that we went to the bar that night, so we could talk.”

Steve nods his head, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly, a thoughtful look on his face. “Alright, keep going,” he prods gently, obviously dreading what he is about to hear but willing to listen.

“I said some hurtful things that night,” Jared’s voice takes on a distant quality, thinking back to the night in question and wincing when he recalls all the things that were said. “Most of which I didn’t really mean, but that doesn’t change the fact that I said them.”

“What did you say Jay?”

“I basically told him that I still wanted to be with him and that I was trying to make everything up to him but that he wasn’t making it easy on me, that he was acting like I wasn’t trying enough. In so many words I said he was asking too much of me and I didn’t know what he wanted from me… I basically blamed it on him.” Jared’s eyes fill with tears as he whispers this, guilt and shame smothering his voice, breath hitching in his throat as his chest tightens. “God, how could I say that to him?”

Steve is silent for a long moment, looking down at the table.

“Last thing I said to him was that I wasn’t going to tell my parents about us, even though I knew that pretty much meant he’d leave me. I said I loved him but it’d kill me to lose my family, and I left it at that.” Jared’s voice grows quieter as he speaks, eyes widening as something clicks in his mind. “Oh God, I said it’d kill me to lose them and then look at what happens to Jen. I could lose him, for good!”

“Come on man, don’t think like that,” Steve says firmly, comforting hand on Jared’s shoulder when Jared buries his face in his hands. “You said some things you regret, everyone does at some point or another, but you can’t blame yourself for them now. I can understand how you’d be afraid of losing your family but deep down you know you were just as afraid of losing Jen, that’s why you were so conflicted. Everyone’s allowed to be confused and afraid, Jay.”

Jared rises from his chair without a word and sits down beside Jensen once more, reaching out to hold his hand, lips trembling as his eyes train on Jensen’s face. “I was going to walk around that night, ya know? I needed to be alone so I was going to leave the car with him, so he’d have a way back to the house.”

“He talked you out of it?” Steve asks quietly, not commenting on the fact that Jared ignored everything he just said.

“Yeah, he didn’t feel comfortable with me walking around that late at night, said he’d catch a cab once he was ready to leave. I didn’t want to, wasn’t comfortable with leaving him there, but I left anyway. I just walked out the door without looking back.” Jared closes his eyes as tears spill down his face. “I will never be able to forgive myself for that.”

“Jay, I can understand how you’d feel guilty about that, but I stand by what I said earlier. You couldn’t have known this was going to happen, _it wasn’t your fault_!” he says firmly, trying to get Jared to believe this, but it isn’t that simple. Jared has been beating himself up over this since he heard about Jensen, believes he could have prevented this had he only stayed, and nothing anyone says can make him believe any different.

“Look, I know you’re only trying to help, and I really appreciate it, but… I’m not sure I can believe that,” Jared tells him truthfully, giving his friend a sad smile and a slight shrug of his shoulders. “Can you grab me a coffee?”

Steve raises an eyebrow at the sudden change of subject but Jared just looks at him pleadingly. It’s not that he is necessarily thirsty, he just needs a few moments alone to regain his composure and he just hopes Steve catches on. It took a lot out of him to admit everything to Steve, to tell him why he is feeling so damn guilty, and he just needs a few moments alone.

“There’s a Starbucks a few blocks away, I could go grab some good coffee if ya want. I’m sure Chris will want one too so I’ll have him meet me there after he grabs us some food, that way I have a ride back,” Steve offers, a look of understanding on his face that tells Jared his friend caught on to his silent plea.

Jared smiles gratefully and just nods his head, watching his friend leave the room before turning to Jensen once more. The room is eerily silent, besides the beep of the heart monitor, but Jared is grateful for the moment of solitude.

“I’m so sorry Jen, I’m sorry I let you down, I never intended to. It would seem that I keep screwing up left and right with you, keep hurting you, and for that I’m sorry. I know what I want now though, I know my life would be meaningless without you. I said it’d kill me to lose my family, and I meant that, but you’ve become someone I can’t live without, you’re like a part of my family now, and it’d kill me just as much to lose you as it would to lose them. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that, but I finally have… please don’t let me be too late.”

Without thinking twice about what he is doing, Jared carefully climbs onto Jensen’s bed and lies down beside him. Once he is sure he isn’t hurting the other man or lying on any vital wires, he relaxes his body and wraps an arm around Jensen’s waist, careful not to put his full weight on his boyfriend’s beaten body. He knows he probably shouldn’t be doing this, could possibly get in trouble for it, but he desperately needs this closeness right now and he will deal with the consequences later if it comes down to it.

He places his palm against Jensen’s chest, feeling the reassuring beat of his heart and allows it to comfort him. Being this close, holding onto Jensen and resting his head carefully against the man’s side, helps to ease some of the pain he has been feeling. His whole body is tired and he wants nothing more than to fall asleep, but he forces himself to stay awake and thanks God every time Jensen’s heart beats. He closes his eyes and shuts his mind off from all the thoughts that have been plaguing him, taking comfort in his boyfriend’s arms and the physical proof of life beneath the palm of his hand.

  
**Spend all your time waiting**   
**For that second chance**   
**For a break that would make it okay**   
**There’s always some reason**   
**To feel not good enough**   
**And it’s hard at the end of the day**   
**I need some distraction**   
**Oh beautiful release**   
**Memories seep from my veins**   
**Let me be empty**   
**And weightless and maybe**   
**I’ll find some peace tonight**

**In the arms of the angel**   
**Fly away from here**   
**From this dark cold hotel room**   
**And the endlessness that you fear**   
**You are pulled from the wreckage**   
**Of your silent reverie**   
**You’re in the arms of the angel**   
**May you find some comfort here**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Angel - by Sarah McLachlan


	24. Whispers in the Dark

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Three:**  
 _Whispers in the Dark_  
-~*~-

January 9th, 2001

“You should try to get some sleep J.T. I know you want to be here when Jensen wakes up but you’re only going to make yourself sick if you keep going the way you are, and we both know that’s the last thing he would want.”

Jared looks up at his mom, offering a tiny smile as she places a comforting hand on his shoulder. He does feel really tired and he knows the last thing Jensen needs is for Jared to make himself sick, he will be no good to his boyfriend then, but he just can’t force himself away from Jensen’s side.

“I know you guys are worried about me, and I really appreciate it, but… I just need to be here mom, I can’t leave him, even just to sleep,” he admits with a tired sigh as his eyes slide once more back to Jensen’s still features. “I’m not sure I’d even be able to get a restful sleep, with how worried I am. And I can’t help… I feel like I’m to blame.”

His mom’s expression twists into a mixture of concern and confusion at his admission. “Why would you feel like that? J.T. this is in no way your fault, there’s no way you could have known this would happen.”

“Logically I know that, I do, but… I left him there mom. I left him there even though that’s not something I normally would’ve done, and everything inside of me that night was telling me not to walk out that door, but I did anyway and look what happened. If I hadn’t left him there on his own maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

Her hand briefly squeezes his shoulder and he feels bad just for drawing comfort from that gesture because he feels he doesn’t deserve to be comforted. He just feels so damn guilty over everything that went down, constantly berating himself for leaving that night and inadvertently allowing Jensen to be hurt. He should have been there and nothing anyone says can convince him otherwise.

“I know that isn’t something you normally would’ve done but you gotta know that no one blames you for what happened, it wasn’t your fault and you’re the only one that seems to think it was,” she says in a soft and soothing voice. “Did the two of you have a fight? Is that why you left?”

Jared takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, managing a small nod of his head. “That’s kind of why I left that night, or pretty much the reason I left. I’d just needed some time on my own and wasn’t ready to go back to the house. I’d tried to tell him to take the car, said I’d take a walk and he could drive himself home, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He hasn’t been driving long and said he wouldn’t feel comfortable driving your car, told me he’d call a cab when he was ready to leave. I didn’t want to leave him there, honest to God, but at the time all I could think about was getting away so I could think. I regret that more than anything now.”

“I know there’s nothing I can say to make you believe it but you really aren’t to blame Jared,” his mom says as she pulls him into a hug. “Leaving him there probably wasn’t one of the brightest things to do but what’s done is done. All you can do now is be there for Jensen and help him to overcome this whole ordeal. He’s going to need you.”

“I know that, and I want to be there for him. I’m still gonna blame myself for this happening in the first place, but I can do my best to make up for it, by being here for him and taking care of him, helping him to put it behind him.”

“But to do that you’re gonna need to take care of yourself, get some rest and something to eat, otherwise you’ll be no use to him,” she tells him gently.

Jared knows the truth of this, he acknowledges what his mom says and deep down he knows she’s right. It will be difficult, he doesn’t like leaving Jensen’s side even for a few minutes, but he does need to get some sleep otherwise he may pass out from exhaustion. He isn’t willing to leave the hospital though, he doesn’t care what anyone says. The least he will agree to is getting some sleep on the extremely uncomfortable recliner one of the nurses brought in a day ago. He never knew recliners could be so damn uncomfortable but he has learned.

“I promise to get some sleep in a little bit ma, I can catch a few z’s on the recliner from hell, but I want to sit with him for a bit longer first,” he says as he reaches out to take Jensen’s hand in his own, scooting his chair closer to his bedside.

_I can’t believe I lost him once and was actually considering letting him go again, was gonna let fear ruin everything we have._ He reaches out without thinking and caresses Jensen’s cheek, tears filling his eyes at the state his boyfriend is in. Seeing him so hurt is truly devastating, and it doesn’t matter how many days have passed, seeing him this way is still extremely difficult.

_You need to be strong for me Jen, don’t you dare give up, you need to wake up_ , he speaks these words internally, not quite able to say them aloud. That is one of the things worrying him the most, that Jensen _won’t_ wake up. He knows the doctor said it was common for a patient to slip into a coma after such a brutal beating, but as more days pass and Jensen still doesn’t wake up, Jared starts to worry that he may never. And what will he do if Jensen doesn’t wake up? _That just can’t be possible, I won’t accept it_ , he thinks to himself firmly, refusing to believe there is any kind of chance that Jensen won’t wake up. But the painful truth is that it _is_ possible, and that is why Jared is so worried.

“Jared, are you…” his mom trails off and Jared tears his eyes away from Jensen to look at her, seeing the question on her face that she isn’t sure she should ask.

“What mom?” he asks quietly, not sure what she wants to know and equally unsure he wants her to ask it. Can it be anything good when she is hesitating the way she is?

He watches as she pulls a chair next to him and sits down, a soft look on her face as she connects her eyes with his. “Are you in love with him?” She asks, no hesitation in her voice this time around.

There is no judgment on her face, just a genuine curiosity, but the words still have his breath catching in his throat. He had already previously decided to tell his family about him and Jensen, and he genuinely wants them to know he loves someone, wants them to get to know Jensen as his boyfriend and not just his good friend, but he wasn’t quite ready to face this _now_. He thought he would have time to prepare for this, but he never expected his mom to ask him like this. He isn’t quite sure why he didn’t expect it, he knows he hasn’t been a swell job at pretending to be just a worried friend, but it still somehow comes as quite a shock.

Knowing this moment has arrived, that he’s really going to tell him mom finally, takes some of the weight he’s been carrying around off of his shoulders but it also has his heart racing with nerves. He isn’t going to chicken out though, he promised both himself and Jensen that he would tell his family about them, and he refuses to break his promise. He couldn’t keep it a secret forever and he honestly doesn’t want to.

He has always known he’d have to tell his family eventually, this isn’t something he could keep hidden forever, but waiting any longer wasn’t an option. He stood to lose Jensen if he didn’t tell his family and he can’t allow that to happen. Not to mention he needed to do this for himself as well.

Squaring his shoulders, he meets his mom’s eyes with determination and nods his head confidently. “Yeah, I’m in love him, he’s… Jensen’s my boyfriend mom.” He tries not to let any of his fear or anxiety show in his voice but he’s not too sure he has succeeded. He is glad he has finally told her but that doesn’t mean he isn’t afraid of her reaction, he has never wanted to disappoint her and he would hate to lose her.

Jared is floored when his mom just nods her head and says she had suspected it all along. Sure, he figured he wasn’t doing so well hiding his feelings these past few days but she makes it sound like she has figured they were together well before Jensen was brought to the hospital.

Is it possible he has been freaking out for no reason? Was all of this for nothing? He just can’t believe it. He had fought with Jensen, was close to losing him because Jared wasn’t going to tell his parents about them, and then Jensen got hurt. Could all of this have been avoided if he had just got up the courage to tell her sooner? God, the mere thought is excruciatingly painful. _I’ve been such a fool._

“You’re not surprised by this at all? Not disappointed or upset with me?” He asks a bit cautiously but disbelief is clear in his tone as well.

“I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you looked at him as well, when you thought no one was looking. It didn’t take much to figure it out,” she says with a shrug, as though this isn’t a big deal at all. “And of course I’m not disappointed or upset. Why on earth would you think I’d be? You’re my son and I love you, I just want you to be happy, no matter who you choose to be with.”

Jared digests these words slowly, relief washing over him in waves. “You never said anything,” he speaks softly, looking at her questionably. “Why?”

“I figured you’d tell me yourself, whenever you were ready,” she responds with a small but genuine smile.

“You’re taking this rather well, better than I thought you would. You think dad will be as cool about as you are? What about Jeff and Meg?” There is no disguising the hopeful tone to his voice, or his expression for that matter. He is so damn grateful that his mom is so accepting but he hopes the rest of his family will be as well.

“I’ve already spoken to your dad and he feels the same way that I do. I haven’t talked to your brother or sister about this but I’m sure they have come to same conclusion as your dad and I. You weren’t hiding your feelings as well as you thought J.T.”

Jared has to laugh at this, joyful and relieved. _No, I guess I wasn’t_ , he thinks to himself, bemused by the irony of it all.

“Why would you think we’d have a problem with it Jared? I thought you knew we’d love you no matter what. Happiness is all your dad and I have ever wanted for you, we could care less if you love a girl or a boy.” She sounds so confused and concerned that Jared begins to wonder why he was so afraid of telling them.

“I should’ve known that,” he says with a shake of his head, disappointed in himself. “There probably was a time when I _did_ know that, but after hearing Jensen tell me about his parents’ reaction I… I guess it made me worry you’d react the same way. His parents wouldn’t talk to him after and I guess I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me too, I was afraid of losing you.”

“It’s terrible that they reacted the way they did, but Jared you have to know we wouldn’t turn our backs on you. Ever since you were a kid we’ve said we’d always love and support you, you being in love with Jensen, or any man for that matter, isn’t going to change that. You’re our son and we love you regardless. You be sure to remember that young man,” she says firmly but with care as she pulls him into her embrace.

Jared holds to her tightly, fisting his hands into the back of her shirt, and buries his face in her hair. It feels so good to have no secrets between them, knowing she loves and supports him. It is more than he could have asked for and he feels a bit foolish for ever doubting her. Now all he has to do is tell the rest of his family, which he plans to do soon.

**:0Ж0:**

January 10th, 2001

Jared follows Chris down to the cafeteria even though it is the last thing he wants to be doing right now. His friend wouldn’t leave him alone until he agreed to go get a coffee and something to eat with him. All Jared wanted to do was stay by Jensen’s side, but one look at Mackenzie had him agreeing to leave with Chris. It was obvious she wanted a little time alone with her brother. He figured it was the least he could do considering he very rarely leaves Jensen long enough to give his family any time with him on their own. That may be selfish but he just can’t help it. He’s afraid of Jensen waking up while he isn’t there and that is just something he cannot allow to happen.

He heads straight to the coolers once they reach the cafeteria and takes out a turkey and cheese sandwich along with a bottle of Pepsi, deciding to skip out on the coffee because he has had more than enough these last few days to last him a lifetime. It doesn’t help that the coffee the hospital provides is crap, a latte from Starbucks would be much appreciated but he doesn’t want to ask anyone to get him one, doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone at a time like this. He certainly isn’t going to leave the hospital long enough to grab a decent cup of coffee and he doesn’t expect anyone else to either.

“You look like hell warmed over, son,” Chris says once they have found a table and are seated across from one another.

“Gee thanks, always knew I could count on you to make me feel good about myself,” Jared mutters moodily but Chris doesn’t take any offense to it, just grins and nods his head. Jared sighs and shrugs. “I feel like shit so I guess it’s only fitting that I’d look just as bad.”

“I know you’re worried about Jen, man, we all are, but you know he’s gonna be alright, don’t ya?” Chris speaks in an uncharacteristically soft voice, concern etched onto his face. “He’s one of the strongest SOB’s I know, he’ll wake up in no time, you’ll see.”

“Yeah I know, he’s fighting, it’s just really hard to take in the meantime. I want him to wake up so badly, to know that he’s okay. I don’t think I’ll truly feel everything is okay until he wakes up. We don’t know what kind of condition he’s in as far as the head trauma’s concerned. What if there’s something seriously wrong? We know there was some swelling in his brain…”

“And we also know that the swelling has gone down,” Chris interrupts him in a firm tone of voice that brooks for no argument. “That’s a good sign Jay, you need to remember and hold onto that. Jen’s gonna be okay, his body just needs a little rest and time to heal is all, I’m sure of it. He’ll wake up when he’s ready.”

“I really hope you’re right about that,” Jared mutters, staring morosely down at the bottle of Pepsi in his hands, rolling it absentmindedly in his palms. “Can we talk about something else?”

Chris must hear the plea in his voice, the desperation for a change of topic, because he doesn’t push the subject. Jared is grateful for this because he is kind of tired of everyone trying to convince him that everything is going to be okay. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to believe that, he wants to more than anything, but he knows he won’t truly believe it until Jensen is awake and looking at him, nothing else will be able to reassure him.

“So, you told your parents that you’re gay huh? Sure took you long enough,” Chris says with a slight smirk on his lips though Jared can detect a hint of pride on his face and that just surprises him to all hell. That isn’t a normal expression for Chris, at least not something serious like this. It is rare when Chris is genuinely proud of someone, it makes it all the more special in Jared’s opinion, almost as though it is coming from a brother rather than his friend.

“Yeah, I finally got up the nerve and told my mom last night, and then I told everyone else this morning. I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh but still manages to place a small smile on his lips. “I know it would’ve meant a lot to Jensen to have been there when I told them, he should’ve been there with me.”

“You can tell him when he wakes up, something tells me the boy could use some good news, bring a smile to his face and all that,” Chris says with a flick of his wrist, going for nonchalant but not quite managing it. They both know how big of a deal this is for Jensen, he has never liked hiding who he is and he will be happy to know Jared isn’t afraid anymore. _I just hope I’m not too late._

“They’re all cool with it?” Chris asks, bringing Jared out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, well Jeff said he’ll need time to get used to it, but he doesn’t hate me or anything so… everything’s gonna be okay, that’s what matters.”

“Everything’s falling into place,” Chris says with a nod and a smile. “I’m glad it’s all working out for you Jared, I know how worried you were about them reacting badly, it’s good that everything’s working out the way you hoped they would.”

He has to admit that it does feel pretty good but he can’t truly appreciate it at the moment. This is something he’d hoped to share with Jensen and it just feels wrong to be happy when Jensen’s lying in a coma, unable to share Jared’s joy. There will be time later to fully feel the relief that he knows he is feeling, right now he is focusing on Jensen and waiting for his boyfriend to open those beautiful eyes of his.

“I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh and rubs at his tired eyes.

“Better late than never,” Chris responds with a shrug, and in any other circumstance that statement might be right, but not this time, not this situation.

“No, I should’ve gotten up the nerve when it counted,” he says firmly, unwilling to believe any different. “It may be too late now.”

“You don’t know that Jare.” Chris sounds frustrated and it makes Jared feel kind of guilty, he knows his friend is trying everything he can think of to make him feel better, but all Jared can think is if he had told his parents earlier he and Jensen never would’ve went to that bar and everything would be fine right now.

He knows his thoughts are kind of running around in circles but the guilt is practically eating him alive and he just can’t let himself feel better about the actions he has taken. People keep trying to convince him that he isn’t to blame but he just can’t let himself believe them, because deep down he truly believes that he is partly to blame. _How can I not be?_

“Nothing I say will make you believe me, will it?” Chris asks with a heavy sigh and a sympathetic expression on his face.

Jared doesn’t respond, they both know the answer to that.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared sits outside of the nearby Starbucks, a cup of coffee warming his palms, and can’t stop fidgeting restlessly with the need to get back to the hospital. He doesn’t want to be here. Sure, it feels good to have a decent cup of coffee for once and the sunshine is nice on his face, but he really doesn’t want to be here. _I should be with Jensen_ is the only thought on his mind. Jensen is in the hospital, there is no telling when he will wake up, and Jared shouldn’t be out here having a cup of coffee like everything is normal.

That is his opinion anyway.

Mackenzie and his mom sit across from him, worried and exasperated expressions on their faces. He tries to relax and show he enjoys their company and is grateful that they care so much, he really does, but his nerves are all over the place and he can’t hide his anxiety. This is the longest he’s been away from Jensen’s side and he honestly doesn’t like it. He knows he needs to relax and stop worrying so much, Josh is with Jensen after all, so it’s not like he’s alone, but Jared really wants to be there in case he wakes up.

However, despite his restlessness, he will admit this was just what he needed. To see anything that isn’t a starch white wall of a hospital room or corridor is refreshing and makes him feel a little less like he is going out of his mind. The smell of antiseptic was starting to drive him a bit crazy. A little fresh air and sunshine goes a long way to make him feel a little better and he’s grateful to the ladies sitting with him for forcing him out of the hospital.

“I know you’re worried about him Jay, we all are, but we also know he’d want you to take care of yourself,” Mackenzie says gently, giving him a soft and patient smile. He doesn’t even try to argue with her, Jensen is closest to his sister and if anyone knows him, even better than Jared, it would be her. He knows how hard this situation has been for her as well and making her worry about _him_ just makes him feel guilty.

“I know that, I do, it’s just really hard when being away from him for even five minutes makes me restless and twitchy,” Jared responds with a sigh and a sheepish smile. “I’m worried enough as it is but being away from him makes me worry more.”

“And I get that, I really do. I’m right there with you. But he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself and none of us do either. Now I’m not telling you to go home and get some sleep, we both know it’d do no good, but we’re worried about you so could you at least _try_ to get some rest?” She asks with pleading eyes that have the power to make Jared agree to anything. “You don’t have to leave the hospital, you can sleep in the room. It’d just be nice if you got a little more than you’ve been allowing yourself.”

“Alright,” Jared says with fond exasperation in his voice. “I promise to take better care of myself.”

“Good,” his mom speaks up with a little smirk on her face and Jared can’t even muster up the strength to scowl. It is obvious he has been set up, she must have put together the fact that Mackenzie would be the one to get through to him and used this knowledge against him. “Cause, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you’re looking terrible J.T. You’re pale and there are bags under your eyes.”

“I don’t have to look in a mirror to know I look like shit mom,” Jared responds with a small pout that he would deny if someone mentioned it. “I know I’ve been pushing myself too hard. Besides, I already said I’d take better care of myself, you don’t have to point out how crappy I look.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” she says dryly but manages to smile softly at him to soften her words.

Jared manages a small smile in return before sighing softly and lowering his head, staring hard down at the lid of his Starbucks cup. Neither Mackenzie nor his mom says anything, obviously aware that his thoughts have turned to Jensen once more. They just silently observe him with sympathetic eyes and let him have this moment to think.

He can’t help but wonder how much this whole ordeal is going to change things, not just in their relationship but for Jensen in general. What Jensen went through was traumatic and scarring, no one walks away from that unscathed. Jared can’t help wondering how much this is going to change his boyfriend.

He will love Jensen no matter what, that isn’t what this is about, but he is a little worried about how damaged his boyfriend may be after everything. Jensen is the type of person that tries to believe the best in everyone, cares about people and wants to help, is generally happy if not a bit reserved and he is one of the most generous and caring people Jared knows. Will that change? And how scarred with this leave Jensen? Will Jared be able to help him?

These are all questions plaguing and haunting Jared at the moment, and he is a little more than worried this will make Jensen pull away from him. He realizes how possible this outcome is and can admit he’s scared. He doesn’t want to lose Jensen, he wants to help him in any way he can, and the thought that he might not be able to just tears him in two.

Mainly he is just plain worried about Jensen and how the attack will affect him.

_He didn’t deserve this_ , he thinks as tears fill his eyes and his heart clenches. He would give anything to switch places with Jensen, to take this on and deal with it for him, but he knows he can’t so all he can do is be strong and do his best to help Jensen get through this.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared feels all air escape his lungs when he returns to the hospital room and finds confused green eyes staring back at him. He can’t seem to move a muscle, feet frozen just inside the doorway, a mix of emotions crashing through his system. The main thing he is feeling is relief, all consuming relief at the fact that Jensen is finally awake. He promptly releases a soft curse however when he realizes that Jensen is alone and it quickly leads Jared to wonder if he woke up that way.

 _Where the hell is Josh?_ he screams internally, feeling irrational anger towards Jensen’s brother. He can’t help it though, the whole reason Jared refused to leave the hospital for even just a few minutes was because he wanted to be here when Jensen woke up, and he especially didn’t want Jensen to wake up alone, and now it would seem that may have happened anyway.

It only takes another minute before he gets with the program and he crosses the space between him and Jensen, dropping down onto the chair beside the bed and taking his boyfriend’s hand in his own. Jensen grips his hand as tightly as his weak body can manage, tears welling in his eyes, and Jared doesn’t have to question whether he remembers the attack or not.

“Jay,” Jensen whispers, voice rough and raspy from disuse.

“I’m so sorry Jen,” Jared blurts out, guilt building up and spilling over, tears filling his eyes that he doesn’t even have the heart to hold back. “I wanted to be here when you woke up, haven’t left your side since I got here. I shouldn’t have left, should’ve been here, I’m so sorry.”

He had fought so hard to be here when Jensen woke up, wanted his face to be the first one Jensen laid eyes on, and now that has been taken away from him and it hits Jared so hard he nearly breaks down into sobs.

“No, Jay no, don’t apologize. It’s fine, really, you’re here now and that’s all that matters,” Jensen consoles him, squeezing his hand reassuringly, and somehow that only manages to make Jared feel worse. Jared should be making sure Jensen’s okay, not the other way around. “I haven’t been awake that long, I promise. Come on, stop crying, it’s okay Jay.”

It sounds like it’s hard for Jensen to speak, even a bit painful, his face scrunching up with discomfort and doing his best to wet his throat without the aid of water. This knocks some sense back into Jared, pushes his own guilt away, the only thing remaining is the need to make sure Jensen is okay and that he doesn’t try to talk too much, too soon.

“No I’m sorry, what I really meant to ask is how you’re doing,” Jared says with a tearful smile, leaning forward to rest a palm against Jensen’s cheek, caressing skin with the pad of his thumb. “Do you need anything? Some water?”

“I’m not really sure how I’m doing. I think I should be in pain, kind of am, a little, but whatever drugs they’re giving me are doing their job,” Jensen responds with a tiny, humorless chuckle and a wry smile that quickly disappears with a frown and sound of pain. He leans into Jared’s hand though, showing he appreciates and needs the touch, the comfort.

“Josh went to get the doctor,” he answers the unspoken question on Jared’s mind, “and a little water would be great, my throat is dryer than a desert right now.”

“It sounds painful,” Jared says with sympathy and glances around the room but curses softly under his breath when he doesn’t find a pitcher of water. “I’ll have to track down a nurse to get you some water but till then try not to speak too much.”

“Not gonna hear any complaints out of me.” Jensen gives a half smile that seems less painful for him and grows quiet, leaning into Jared’s hand a bit more and looking up at him with so many emotions shining in his eyes.

“I’m so relieved you’re awake Jen, you had me so worried about you,” Jared speaks softly and gives Jensen a look that says he doesn’t need him to respond, just needs to get this out, needs him to know. “I love you so much, I hope you know that. I didn’t mean what I said that night, I was just scared. I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. I do love you though, and my life just wouldn’t be the same without you in it. I don’t want to lose you again, it’d kill me. I need you, so much that it scares me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jensen’s eyes are bright in the dimly lit room and he looks as though he wants to say something but can’t quite find the words. Jensen’s eyes have always given him away though, they speak for him when he can’t, and Jared can read him right now like an open book. He is happy, relieved even, and it makes Jared feel damn good just to see it. Nothing is perfect, not all their problems have been solved and there are still trust issues to be resolved, but it is a step in the right direction and it gives Jared hope.

He still feels guilty about what was said and done that night, some deep down place inside of him might carry that guilt forever, but without Jensen having to say the words Jared knows he has been forgiven and given another chance. That alone takes a bit of weight off of Jared’s shoulders and he already feels a little better.

“I love you too Jay,” Jensen finally speaks, weakly squeezing Jared’s hand and doing his best to smile at him without causing himself too much pain.

“It’s nice to officially meet you Mr. Ackles.”

Jensen tears his eyes away at the unexpected voice. When he sees a doctor, Mackenzie and Jared’s mom standing just inside the doorway his eyes widen and he rips his hand out of Jared’s grasp. Jared is startled by the action but what worries him is the fear he sees in his boyfriend’s eyes. Something tells him it is because he is afraid the doctor and Jared’s mom caught their intimate moment and can tell they are more than just friends. This bothers Jared because Jensen never cared who knew before but now he obviously does and there isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind as to why.

Once again he finds himself wishing he could get his hands on the guys who did this and beat the crap out of them. For all the damage they have caused and all the damage they continue to cause after the fact. They may be in jail and set to go to trial, hopefully to spend years in prison like they deserve, but somehow it just doesn’t seem like enough to Jared. He is sure they don’t regret what they did and he highly doubts prison time is going to change them for the better.

As the doctor goes on to explain to Jensen the extent of his injuries and what he should expect in the coming days Jared places his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, figuring he will freak out if Jared tries to grab his hand. This is a difficult time for Jensen, the wary look in his eyes and the soft sigh he releases says it all, and Jared just wants him to know he isn’t alone.

Jensen’s eyes get kind of distant for a few moments as the doctor continues talking and immediately Jared knows he is remembering the attack, fear plain as day in his bright green eyes, and Jared gently squeezes his shoulder to silently offer his support and reassurance. Jensen’s smile is a bit strained but his eyes express his gratitude.

“Now I know you probably don’t want to hear this but considering what you’ve been through I would highly recommend you see a psychologist. This is something you shouldn’t keep inside. I understand it isn’t easy but you’re going to need someone to talk to, someone to help you through this tough time,” the doctor speaks gently. “I have a list of recommendations for you and I would really like for you to at least consider it, it’d be a real good thing for you. I’ll give them to you before you’re released.”

Jensen just looks back with a blank expression that Jared knows means seeing a therapist isn’t even on the list of things Jensen intends to do. Jared can’t say he agrees, he thinks Jensen _should_ see someone who he can talk to about the attack. Sure, he wants to be the one Jensen turns to but he can’t deny that a professional could probably provide help even Jared couldn’t. There isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind that Jensen will be difficult about this but Jared plans to talk to his boyfriend and try to convince him to take the doctor’s advice.

“When will I be released?” Jensen asks instead, completely ignoring the doctor’s words, acting as though he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor doesn’t act as though he is disappointed though. He is probably used to this kind of response from his patients and is unfazed at this point.

“There are still some tests we’d like to run and I’d like to monitor you for a few days to make sure everything is okay. You’ve only just woken up so let’s just take this one day at a time,” the doctor replies with a kind smile, answering without actually answering, and Jared can tell Jensen isn’t happy about this.

The doctor leaves after this and the room falls into silence, Jensen glaring hard at the blankets covering him, refusing to look anyone in the eyes. Jared watches him sadly for a moment before turning his attention to his mom, Josh, and Mackenzie who are just standing a few feet away, looking as though they want to speak but are unsure what to say.

“Could you guys please give me a moment alone with him?” Jared asks, pleading with his voice as well as his eyes. He just needs a few minutes, needs to talk to his boyfriend in private.

They all nod their heads in understanding before silently leaving the room and shutting the door behind them.

“I know what you’re gonna say Jared but you can save your breath, I don’t want to go to no psychologist and I don’t plan to,” Jensen says stubbornly, in a firm voice that says his mind is made up.

“It might help,” Jared says gently, not wanting to upset Jensen but needing to say it all the same.

“I don’t want to argue with you Jay so please just let it go.”

Despite wanting to press the issue Jared knows now really isn’t the time. “Okay we won’t talk about it now,” he says carefully, letting Jensen know the subject hasn’t been dropped, just put on hold. “There was something else I wanted to talk to you about though.”

Jensen just gives him a tired look and Jared silently curses himself for forgetting that Jensen only just woke up, this all might be too much for him to deal with at one time. This is good news though, a quiet voice speaks up at the back of his mind. It might be good news but Jensen does look awfully tired and Jared figures this conversation can wait once he has gotten some rest. “It can wait until after you’ve gotten some sleep though,” he quickly says. “You look like you could use some rest.”

“No, it’s alright, what did you want to talk about?” Jensen asks in a tired tone of voice but the expression on his face says he is listening.

“Well… I just, I’ve been thinking about our conversation that night; have had more than enough time to think things over and… I’m ready Jen, to tell my family about us,” Jared finally manages to get out, his heart racing in his chest with anticipation, a smile threatening to break out onto his face. “I want them to know who I love, want them to love you just as much as I do. Though, I think they already do.” He can’t stop a smile from forming on his face this time. He doesn’t tell Jensen that he’s already spoken to his family, have told them that he’s gay. He hasn’t told them that he and Jensen are seeing each other though, that’s one thing Jensen can be there with him for, the important part he didn’t miss out on.

Jensen, however, quickly grows pale and Jared’s afraid his boyfriend’s going to be sick. He looks as though he is going to throw up at any second. Besides that though Jared can plainly see honest to God fear in Jensen’s eyes and that freezes the smile on his face in its tracks.

Jensen clears his throat and looks away from Jared, refusing to meet his eyes. “No, I think you were right before. I’m fine with keeping us a secret; it’s probably a good idea actually.”

Jared shakes his head, astonished to be hearing this even though he thinks he shouldn’t be so surprised. This all just sounds so wrong, never has Jensen wanted to hide himself, hide them, and now he suddenly does and Jared simultaneously wants to smash something and hug Jensen tightly, never let go. “You don’t mean that Jen. All you’ve wanted was for me to tell my family, to hold your hand in public, and I’m ready to do all that and more. I should’ve done it long before now. But I’m ready now, ready to love you the way I’m supposed to, to be proud of _us_. Don’t tell me you don’t want that anymore.”

Jensen’s trembling by now, still refusing to meet his eyes, and he shakes his head fiercely. “No, I’d thought that was what I wanted, but I was foolish Jay. Holding hands and kissing in public, that isn’t for couples like us,” Jensen says quietly and Jared is equally stricken by the fact that he sounds like he means it and that tears are now streaming down Jensen’s face. “You had the right idea all along, it’s safer for us if we keep our relationship behind closed doors. Being out and proud, it only gets you hurt Jared. I don’t wanna be hurt again, don’t want to be killed just for being who I am. It’s not worth it, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. No, it’s best if we keep things the way they are.”

Tears are now streaming down Jared’s face as well, the pain and fear in Jensen’s voice breaks his heart. He doesn’t quite know what to do either, his boyfriend is crying hysterically, terrified and broken, and Jared doesn’t know what to do to make things better.

Carefully, mindful of his injuries, Jared pulls Jensen into an awkward hug and does his best to comfort him. “California isn’t like Texas Jen, you don’t have to hide who you are there, no one’s going to care. And you don’t have to worry about my family either, they’ll be supportive. They _are_ supportive,” Jared tries to reassure him but it only makes Jensen’s tears fall harder. “We can’t let them win Jen, you can’t let them break you, take away everything you’ve always believed in. Don’t let them ruin your life Jensen. I know it’s hard and I know you’re scared, I won’t even try to say I understand what you’re going through, but I know you don’t want them to ruin everything you’ve built your life on. You’re the strongest person I know and I have never been prouder of anyone in my life.”

“I don’t want to be hurt again Jay,” Jensen says between hiccups, sobs and harsh pants of breath.

“I know, and I promise you I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again,” Jared swears as he hugs Jensen close to him and tightly closes his eyes against the tears blurring his vision and the sounds of his broken boyfriend. “Everything will be different in California, you’ll see, you won’t have to be afraid there.”

Jensen doesn’t respond this time but Jared silently promises to help him get through his all, not willing to believe for even a second that he can’t. He needs to be the strong one now, needs to believe for the both of him, and he refuses to fail Jensen when it matters the most.

  
**Slowly fading away**   
**You're lost and so afraid**   
**Where is the hope in a world so cold?**   
**Looking for a distant light**   
**Someone who could save a life**   
**Living in fear that no one will hear your cries**   
**"Can you save me now?"**

**I am with you**   
**I will carry you through it all**   
**I won't leave you, I will catch you**   
**When you feel like letting go**   
**'Cause you're not, you're not alone**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Not Alone - by Red


	25. Right Beside You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Four:**  
 _Right Beside You_  
-~*~-

January 10th, 2001

Jensen is silent as the nurse makes her rounds, checking his vitals and the various machines attached to him, and then sending him a friendly smile on her way out of the room. He hasn’t spoken much since he woke up, since Jared told him the one thing he’d wanted to hear all along.

He knows he is worrying his boyfriend, being so quiet, staring off into nothing. Jensen can’t help it though, this is a lot to be put on him at the moment. Part of him still wants what Jared is proposing, wants to be able to tell the world he’s in love with a wonderful man, but a larger part is too afraid. His perspective on the whole idea has been changed, in a drastic way. He’d been given a rude awakening, shown a side of humanity that is rather cruel and uncaring, and he knows there are others out there that feel the same way those guys did.

He can’t help but think he has been naïve all this time, wanting so bad to believe the best in everyone, wanted to believe he could be with Jared and be happy. He never considered the backlash, the phobia they would face. Of course he isn’t stupid, he knew that not everyone would accept two men together, they’d be frowned upon at times and face their share of hurtful words thrown their way, but he never thought about the violence that could be aimed at them. He knew that it happened, he has read many stories about hate crimes that have been committed, but for some reason he never thought _he_ would be victimized just for being himself.

Then again no one expects to be victimized.

He has been taught a hard lesson though, one he isn’t soon to forget. He really can’t help feeling disappointed because all he has wanted was for Jared to come out of the closet and be with him the way couples should be, but now that Jared is ready it couldn’t be at a worse time.

He knows he is letting his fear rule him but he figures he has a right to be scared. After everything he just went through, he’s certain it would shake anyone up. Every time he closes his eyes he’s brought back to that night, can feel phantom punches hitting his body, two angry faces behind his eyelids.

He wants to be strong, to put this behind him and not let it hurt his future with Jared, but the truth is he isn’t that strong. He doesn’t want to get hurt again, doesn’t want to see Jared get hurt. He’s beginning to think Jared had it right all along, keeping their relationship just between them and their close friends was wise, safe.

Jared has had a change of heart though and Jensen isn’t sure what to say to make his boyfriend understand. Telling their families won’t be an issue, once the whole ordeal has worn off Jensen can face telling them, that isn’t what is scaring him. He just doesn’t think he can walk down the street holding Jared’s hand, doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle going out on a date and not caring what people will be thinking. He wanted that before, wanted it so bad he practically ached for it, but now that it’s within his reach - he just can’t do it, can’t meet Jared halfway on this. He isn’t ready, doesn’t know when or even if he ever will be.

_Jared deserves better_ , is the despondent thought repeating over and over in his head, has been since Jared told him he was ready to tell people about them. He knows Jared well enough to know he’d argue with him on this if he was to say it aloud but this is how Jensen feels right now.

Jared’s ready to be who he is, ready to be himself without anything holding him back, but Jensen will be holding him back and he doesn’t like the thought of it. He doesn’t want to hold Jared back, but at the same time he doesn’t want Jared doing anything that could potentially get him harmed. He can’t stop Jared from doing what he wants, can’t dictate his life, but he wishes he could, wishes he could keep Jared from being as naïve as he himself was.

Jensen’s thoughts are a little all over the place right now, he can’t be sure he’s thinking too clearly, but the one thing he’s positive on is the fact that he can’t give Jared what he wants. Everything else is just a jumble of thoughts and panic and fear. He hates how he feels, despises the fear clutching at his heart and controlling his life but he doesn’t know how to take back that control. He’s lost and floundering, not sure what he should do.

“Hey,” Jared speaks quietly as he enters the room, carrying a bottle of water that he went to fetch while the nurse was making her rounds.

He takes a seat at Jensen’s bedside once more, reaching out to rest his hand on top of Jensen’s, thumb lightly caressing the skin. It’s the blind concern on his face that makes Jensen ache though, every piece of his being reaching out to Jared yet holding back at the same time. It’s a really frustrating feeling.

“Has anyone came in to see you yet?” he asks, a certain look in his eyes that Jensen can’t decipher.

“No,” Jensen replies slowly, looking closely at Jared for clues. “Was someone supposed to come in while you were gone?”

Jared looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment before shaking his head and leaning forward, elbows resting on the edge of the bed, hazel eyes searching out confused green. “You saw Josh when you woke up, so you know he’s here,” he starts out and waits for Jensen to nod his head before continuing. “And you know Mack is here too.”

Jensen is a little annoyed with the way Jared’s beating around the bush but he pushes the feeling down and nods his head once more, a little bit of his impatience showing on his face. “Where are you going with this?” he asks, dread in the pit of his stomach, not liking where this conversation seems to be headed.

“Your parents are in town too Jen,” Jared tells him softly, carefully, tightening his grip on Jensen’s hand when Jensen lets out a gasp. Jensen shakes his head, not wanting to believe, wishing Jared was just playing a nasty trick on him. _No, they can’t be here_ , he despairs, eyes pleading with Jared to tell him it isn’t true. “They’ve been here the past four days, and I just wanted to warn you, because they’re gonna want to see you.”

Jensen shakes his head again, eyes wide. “No, I can’t… I’m not… no, I don’t want to see them Jared,” his voice kind of breaks as his eyes search his boyfriend’s, pleading with him. He’s not sure if Jared has the power to keep his parents out of the room but that doesn’t stop him from pleading silently. “Please, don’t make me see them, not now. I just, I can’t handle that, not right now.”

Jared’s eyes soften as he leans forward and draws their foreheads together. “I know you don’t want to see them Jen, and I can’t blame you, but they’re not going anywhere until they get to see you. I’ll be right here with you the whole time though, you won’t have to face them alone, I promise you that. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything in response to this, grateful Jared won’t leave his side but still not thrilled about seeing his parents after so long. He knows there’s no way of avoiding it though so he keeps his mouth shut and just clings to Jared’s hand, letting his boyfriend ground him and let him know he isn’t alone.

**:0Ж0:**

The room quickly becomes crowded with both Jared’s and Jensen’s family, and though it doesn’t really work, Jensen tries to make himself as small as he possibly can. He feels uncomfortable with so many concerned eyes trained on him, feels like all air is being sucked out of the room and he’s being suffocated slowly. His eyes are drawn to his parents the second they enter the room, the panic inside him growing to new heights just at the sight of them, and he’s unable to keep himself from looking away.

His mom’s eyes are wet with tears and concern as she slowly approaches his bedside. Her movements are hesitant, like she isn’t sure her presence will be welcome. _She isn’t welcome_ , he thinks to himself as he watches her warily, not quite sure what to expect out of either of his parents.

After her brief moment of hesitation, his mom crosses the space between them in a couple of steps and he finds her right at his side, tears sliding down her cheeks. Jensen doesn’t really know what to do much less say so instead he just watches her intently. He isn’t really sure what he is waiting for her to do but he can’t help feeling uncomfortable, the last stilted conversation he had with her repeating over and over in his mind.

The last thing he is expecting her to do though is grab his hand, holding it carefully in her own, like he’s some fragile piece of china that could break if handled without care. More tears spill from her eyes as she reaches to cup his cheek and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

At first Jensen can’t trust his own ears, thinking he must have heard her wrong. Because there is no way she just apologized. Right? His mom apologizing for her actions, for the way she’s treated him. It just seems too surreal that he almost can’t trust it. _Is this really happening?_ he questions almost hysterically, afraid this is just some cruel delusion and any minute now she’ll go back to hating him.

Jared is a quiet presence beside him on the opposite side of the bed, a comforting hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing gently every so often to show his support. Jensen is grateful to have him here right now, the hand on his shoulder grounding him, letting him know he isn’t alone.

Jensen’s dad has spoken yet, just stands off to the side, watching him almost warily. Jensen can’t tell what he is thinking, his face is nothing but a blank mask and his eyes aren’t giving away anything either. Jensen can’t say what he’d been expecting his dad to do should they ever be in the same room together again but he was pretty sure silence would be a given.

“I know there’s nothing I can say to make up for the way I’ve treated you,” his mom’s soothing voice brings his attention back to her and just seeing the tears on her cheeks is making him want to break down too, he’s always hated seeing his mom cry. “But I want you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. You are my son and I love you no matter who you choose to love. I just want you to be happy. I just hope one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done.”

Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to this, or if he can even _speak_ at the moment. He wants to say that he loves and forgives her, but he doesn’t know if he can. He loves her, she’s his mom and he’ll always love her, but the cold treatment can’t just be forgotten that easily and he isn’t sure he has forgiven her for it, not yet anyway. That will take time.

Jensen looks up once more when a hand lands on his shoulder and he can’t help but tense when he sees his father staring down at him. His eyes are a little more expressive this time around and what he finds staring back at him shocks Jensen speechless. Jensen can list on one hand the times he’s seen his dad cry and each time seems to be more disturbing than the last simply because his father is the strong silent type. He holds all of his emotions inside because he doesn’t like appearing weak in front of anyone.

But right now his guard is down, tears swimming in his eyes as he apologizes without even uttering a single word. It’s right there in the way he’s looking at Jensen and the gentle squeeze he applies to Jensen’s shoulder. “I love you kiddo,” he whispers thickly and Jensen thinks that is possibly better than any verbal apology could be.

**:0Ж0:**

“How are you holding up?” Jared asks once they are alone once more, Jensen’s parents having gone back to their hotel to catch up on some sleep.

“Tired,” Jensen responds with a small smile before lowering his eyes to stare at his hands, overwhelmed by everything that happened today and it’s taking its toll on him.

It’d been nice seeing his parents, if not a bit awkward and just plain weird. He’d always wished his parents would see what they did wrong and make a turn around but he never actually expected it to happen. It all just seems so unreal and he hasn’t exactly let it sink in yet, almost too afraid to let it in for fear of it all disappearing before his eyes.

He realizes how unlikely and paranoid that is, but he’s just so afraid of losing what he’s seemingly regained. He’d tried to move on, put on a brave face and told himself he didn’t need his parents if they didn’t want him, but deep down he never was sure if he could. He did need his parents, wanted their love and acceptance, but he knew very well that he may never get that. Now it looks as though he may have them back in his life and he’s afraid of it all going to hell again. _I couldn’t handle it a second time._

“You’ve had a busy day,” Jared nods in agreement.

“Too much for one day,” Jensen mutters but Jared doesn’t seem to hear him.

Jared finally takes a seat on the chair next to Jensen’s bed, wringing his hands nervously, a thoughtful look on his face. He’s been doing this a lot today, like he has something on his mind that he wants to talk about. For most of the day they haven’t been alone though, there’s always been _someone_ in the room with them, and Jensen gets the feeling that this is something Jared wants to talk about in private.

“What’s on your mind?” Jensen eventually asks, even though he isn’t altogether sure he’s ready for whatever Jared wants to talk about. Today has been a little overwhelming for him, he’s ready to just close his eyes and escape for a few hours, and he isn’t sure he has the energy to have anything else thrown at him, but he also knows Jared won’t rest until he gets it off his chest.

Jared searches Jensen’s eyes for a moment, Jensen can only guess what he’s looking for. After a moment he leans forward in the chair, arms resting on the bed, but his eyes never leave Jensen’s. “I know you said you didn’t want to tell anyone about us…”

“No,” Jensen responds immediately, shaking his head resolutely even though it sort of leaves him feeling a bit dizzy. “I know what you’re doing Jay, but… I just can’t okay, please stop pushing this. I’ve made up my mind and there’s no changing it. I know that probably makes me a hypocrite but, I just… after everything, I can’t. I’m sorry, I know you’re ready and it isn’t fair, but please try to understand.”

Jensen had expected Jared to look a little annoyed but instead he just looks sad. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything Jen, I know you went through a terrible experience and I can even understand, a little, why you’d be afraid now, but… I’m just talking about my family, we can tell my family, nothing bad can come from telling them.”

“I know, I do, I know, it’s just…” Jensen trails off, feeling frustrated because he can’t seem to get across what he is trying to say to make Jared understand where he is coming from. “We can tell your family if you feel you’re ready for it, but you’re talking about making our relationship public, about holding hands and going on dates and… it’s just, even in California, I’m not sure I can do it Jay. No, I take that back, I _know_ I can’t do it.”

“Okay, alright, then we just start out slowly,” Jared tells him soothingly, obviously trying to be optimistic and wanting Jensen to share that feeling. “We tell my family and then, given time, we work our way up to holding hands in public, like… like baby steps. I can wait Jensen, until you feel comfortable…”

Jensen shakes his head again. _Damn, I need to stop doing that_ , he tells himself when another wave of dizziness overwhelms him, pain and nausea accompanying it this time around. Pain meds must be wearing off, he realizes when he notices the pain in other areas of his body as well.

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready Jay,” he whispers honestly, hating himself a little when Jared’s face falls, but he couldn’t lie to his boyfriend and he didn’t want to give him any false hope. It still kills him to see a little of that light in Jared’s eyes die out though, and not for the first time he finds himself wondering why Jared doesn’t just walk away.

“Maybe…” Jensen takes a deep breathe before trying once more. “Maybe it’d be for the best if we just ended things now.”

Jared’s eyes snap up to his, an incredulous look on his face. “What?” He asks, voice loud in the otherwise silent room. “No. You can’t mean that Jen.”

“I’m not saying I like it either, I don’t want to lose you, but…” Jensen has to tear his eyes away from Jared’s, unable to stand the hurt he can see so plainly. “You’d be better off with someone else Jay, someone who isn’t damaged, who can give you all those things you want and are ready for. I want to be that person Jay, but I don’t think I can be anymore.”

Jensen has to stop and take another deep breath, his voice breaking with emotion and stupid tears well up and spill down his cheeks. He’s always hated crying in front of people, just like his dad, only for different reasons. “I just think it’d be for the best in the long run, ‘cause you deserve better,” he whispers softly, still refusing to look Jared in the eyes, afraid of what he may find there.

“No, don’t you do this Jen. I’m not gonna let you do this,” Jared says firmly, taking Jensen’s hand in his own before using his other hand to gently grab Jensen’s chin and force him to look at him. “I’m not letting you push me away. You’re not ready to make our relationship public? That’s fine, I’m okay with that. I’m hoping one day down the line you’ll change your mind but even if you don’t then we’ll deal with it. Either way, I’m not letting you break up with me. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Jensen wants to argue, mainly on principle alone, but for the most part he’s just relieved Jared hadn’t let him push him away because he knows he would’ve regretted it. He still thinks Jared deserves better, because Jensen knows he has more issues now than Jared should have to deal with, but he didn’t truly want to break up. He needs Jared, especially right now.

Jared leans his forehead against Jensen’s, careful not to put too much pressure, and they are both content to remain that way. “I’m not going anywhere,” Jared promises and Jensen clings to his words like they are a lifeline.

**:0Ж0:**

When Jensen wakes up he finds Chris leaning against the window, staring blankly at the monitors Jensen is hooked up to, seemingly lost in thought. Jensen had seen him yesterday of course but they hadn’t really had any time alone together and his friend hadn’t really had much to say.

To be honest though Jensen is kind of glad the room isn’t overcrowded. To wake up and find only one person in his room is a relief and having a moment alone with Chris is nice. He isn’t really up for a whole lot of talking, it just seems to sap whatever energy he has right out of him, but he is kind of glad to see his friend.

“How long have you been standing there?” he asks around a yawn, watching Chris start a little at the unexpected sound of Jensen’s voice.

A lazy smile blossoms on Chris face as he pushes away from the window and steps closer. “Not long,” he answers with a shrug. “Jared doesn’t like leaving you alone and I didn’t mind volunteering to stay behind while everyone went home for showers and such. Steve is here too, down in the cafeteria getting drinks.”

“You know I don’t need someone here 24/7, I’m okay with being alone once in a while,” Jensen responds lightly, even though he is grateful to have not waken up alone, and it is nice to know everyone cares so much.

“I don’t know, I reckon you best get used to not having a moment’s peace. I don’t suppose Jared will give you much breathing room now that you’re awake,” Chris tells him with a grin, though Jensen can tell he’s being completely serious.

“No, I don’t suppose he will.” Jensen gives a suffering sigh but a smile soon blossoms on his face. He knows it will probably get frustrating later but right now it’s actually kind of nice.

“How are you doing son?” Chris asks after a moment, concern etched on his face. “And I don’t want you lying to me, we both know you’re not fine. You haven’t really talked about what happened, and I’m not gonna make ya, but just tell me, how are you holding up?”

Jensen thinks this over carefully. _How **am** I doing?_ “I’m holding up the best I can,” he eventually answers, uncomfortable with the topic but knowing Chris would see right through his lies and, really, with Chris he doesn’t have to put on a brave face. Or with Jared for that matter.

“I know you probably won’t take me up on my offer but if you ever need to talk,” Chris lets the rest of his sentence go unsaid but Jensen knows what he is offering and is grateful, even though this isn’t something he wants to talk about and isn’t sure when he will want to, if ever.

“I talked to Sophia earlier,” Steve breaks the silence that had befallen the two friends, making his presence known. “She and the rest of the gang want to be here but they either can’t get away from work or classes, and they don’t really have the money for plane tickets. They send their love though and said you should be expecting phone calls from them soon.”

Jensen looks at his two friends when something occurs to him. “Are you guys missing work because of me?”

“Now don’t even think it,” Chris warns. “Don’t you worry about us, we had some vacation time backed up anyway.”

“Besides, there’s nowhere we’d rather be Jen,” Steve tells him softly, reassuringly. “Nothing could have kept us away.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” Jensen says, needing them to know.

Steve just smiles as he makes himself as comfortable as he can on one of the chairs and Chris makes a grab for the remote to the television. “What do ya say we find some bad daytime TV to watch,” he says with a smirk and Jensen finds himself relaxing for the first time since he woke up and found his whole life turned upside down.

**:0Ж0:**

By the time Jensen is done speaking with the cops (at his parents, and Jared’s, insistence) he feels drained and shaky. All he wants to do is curl up in a ball and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Having to tell the police every little detail of the attack, with Jared’s horrified eyes on him the whole time no less, was nothing short of a nightmare.

His parents had wanted to be there but Jensen could really only handle so many people knowing exactly what he went through and to be honest Jared was the only one he could stomach telling. It isn’t that he thinks his family or friends will judge him, or think him weak, but what he went through was very personal and he doesn’t want a whole lot of people knowing.

He didn’t really want to talk to the police that had shown up in his room this afternoon, had outright refused to speak to them in fact, even at his parents insistence he had still refused. It had been Jared’s pleading eyes that finally made him give in though, he’d always had a hard time refusing Jared anything when he set those eyes on him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want the guys that did this to get what they deserved, he knew his statement would be extremely helpful in the case, but he didn’t want to _talk_ about what happened. Just thinking about it was hard enough.

Now they expect him to show up in court when the case goes to trail, to sit up on the stand and recount everything that happened in front of a jury and a courtroom full of people. Logically he knew they would want him to but that doesn’t make it any easier. He doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to have to tell a room full of strangers about the pain and fear he went through.

He doesn’t want those guys to get off easy but he doesn’t want to have to go to court either.

_Why did this have to happen?_ He despairs silently, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball but unable to because of his injuries.

“I’m really proud of you Jen,” Jared tells him softly, soothingly rubbing Jensen’s arm. “I know that couldn’t have been easy.”

Jensen doesn’t respond to this, just closes his eyes and soaks in all the comfort Jared is offering. He really doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to go into a courtroom and tell everyone what happened to him, just speaking to the cops with Jared in the room had been tough enough. He doesn’t want his attackers to get away with what they did to him but just the thought of sitting on that stand with too many eyes on him makes him panic more than just a little.

_I know I have to do it but how can I?_ He bites down on his bottom lip, his thoughts only causing him blind panic the more he thinks about what’s expected of him.

“Can we just change the subject please?” He asks softly, knowing he sounds upset, panicking, but unable to do anything about it. “I just, I wanna think about something else. Can we just-”

“Okay,” Jared says immediately, cutting off Jensen’s panicked stricken words. “Whatever you want. We don’t have to talk about this right now.”

Jensen takes a deep breath, hoping to calm his racing heart, and forces a smile onto his lips. “Thanks.”

Jared fidgets for a moment, looking extremely indecisive about something before opening his mouth. “Can I tell you something without you freaking out on me?”

Jensen doesn’t like the sound of that, pretty sure nothing good can come from it, and he knows he can’t reassure his boyfriend. Jensen’s prone to panicking as of late, his mind and emotions are kind of all over the place right now and he can freak out about anything in his current state. He is curious though so instead of agreeing he just says “tell me.”

“I um, well when you were still… you know…” Jared blows out a breath, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “My mom kind of told me, or she asked… and I told her about us. She knows we’re in a relationship, she’d pretty much figured it out on her own, and she said my dad knows too.”

Jared looks at him with hooded eyes, afraid of what Jensen’s reaction will be. Jensen understands but he still hates to know Jared was afraid to tell him, was afraid it’d upset him, and it only makes Jensen hate himself a little more. He hates how afraid he is now, afraid of anyone finding out about him and Jared, no longer wanting things he’d so badly wanted before. He doesn’t like being this way, he wishes he hadn’t been affected like this, wishes he could just go back to the way he was, but that isn’t going to happen anytime soon and he knows he has to accept this.

Jensen does his best to smile, for Jared’s benefit. He isn’t exactly freaking out over this new information but he doesn’t get the joy he’d wanted and expected to feel if Jared ever told him this. He isn’t unhappy, and he doesn’t want Jared to think he is, but… to be honest how he’s feeling isn’t too clear.

“I guess it went well then,” he finally speaks. “Is she okay with it?”

A relieved smile blossoms on Jared’s face and just seeing it makes Jensen feel a bit lighter, like a little bit of the weight he’s been carrying on his shoulders has been lifted. He doesn’t really know how he’s feeling right now in regards to Jared’s parents knowing about them, he just feels kind of numb and detached, but it _does_ feel good to see Jared so relieved and to know his boyfriend’s fears were unfounded.

“She took it really well actually,” Jared says with a little grin, shaking his head as though in disbelief. “Mostly she was upset that I hadn’t told her sooner and she really didn’t like that I was afraid to tell her in the first place. She’s being really supportive though, I never should have doubted her.”

“Told ya you had nothing to worry about,” Jensen whispers before a yawn escapes, the days events catching up with him, leaving him a bit sleepy.

“I don’t even know why I was so afraid to tell them now,” Jared says, a touch of astonishment in his voice and a look of wonder on his face. “It all makes me feel kind of stupid now. I’ve always had a close knit relationship with my parents, I don’t know why I ever thought they’d be anything but supportive.”

“No, I understand why you were afraid, I always did. It was frustrating, but I understood. Knowing how my own parents reacted scared you. I think it’s normal to be a bit apprehensive about telling your parents that you’re gay, or in your case bi-sexual. You can never really know how someone will react, I should know. I’m glad everything worked out for you though, I really am. Do you feel better now?”

Jared smiles softly and nods his head. “Yeah, I really do. I kind of wish I had told them sooner, but at least it’s done and over with now. I don’t have to worry anymore. I’m just sorry for all the pain I caused you in the process.”

Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “You don’t need to apologize to me Jay.”

“Yeah I do Jen,” Jared presses stubbornly. “The way I treated you, the things you had to put up with, you never should have had to. I was a jackass, I know that, hell I knew even as I was doing it. I hated what I was doing to you but couldn’t seem to make myself stop. You deserve some sort of medal for the shit I put you through.”

Jared chuckles softly, giving Jensen a wry smile, but Jensen can tell he’s hiding self-deprecation behind sarcasm and a touch of humor. Jensen really doesn’t want his boyfriend beating himself up over this, holding onto his guilt, but Jared is a stubborn sonuvabitch when he wants to be and nothing Jensen can say will change his mind once he’s made it up.

“My parents aren’t the only ones that know, your mom knows too,” Jared tells him gently, wary eyes watching Jensen carefully, like he knows this isn’t something Jensen will take so well.

Jensen can feel his eyes widening, his breath stopping short as he stares apprehensively at his boyfriend. “She does?” He asks more timidly than he’s proud of. “Did she figure it out on her own or did you tell her? How’d she react?”

Jared reaches out, taking Jensen’s hand in his own, as a smile blooms on his face, soft and reassuring. “This is something you’re mom should really be telling you, I know there’s a lot of things she needs to say to you, but I will tell you that her reaction was a good one.”

Jensen slowly absorbs this, not too pleased that Jared isn’t giving him the full details, but encouraged by the hope in Jared’s words as well as his deep hazel eyes. Jensen _really_ doesn’t want to have that conversation with his mom, but if Jared says there’s nothing to worry about then Jensen has no reason to doubt him. It still leaves him with a sour feeling in his stomach however, and though Jared has reassured him, Jensen isn’t quite ready to have a heart to heart with his mom. He just doesn’t have the strength for it.

“Are you sure she _really_ sounded okay with it all?” Jensen asks carefully, not really doubting his boyfriend, but still unwilling to believe so quickly. Regardless of what she said to him when he woke up, he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up, to let himself believe for even a second that his mom had a change of heart, because being rejected for the second time would be too devastating.

“She had a lot of good things to say, trust me,” is Jared’s smiling response, so reassuring and calming that Jensen finds him smiling back slightly. He is still a little worried, a little doubtful, but Jared has managed to calm his fears somewhat.

“You tired?” Jared whispers softly when a yawn escapes Jensen.

Jensen nods a little, movements slow and tired. “Sorry, I know I’ve been sleeping a lot,” he whispers back, sheepish look on his face.

“No apologies, I get it. I’m glad you’ve been resting, you need it. Go ahead, close your eyes and get some sleep.”

“Stay?” Jensen asks needlessly, Jared hasn’t really left his side since he woke up, is there as he falls asleep and waiting for him when he wakes up. It is Jensen’s only comfort in a cold, unfamiliar hospital room.

Jared leans forward, pressing his lips to Jensen’s temple. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers, lips brushing Jensen’s skin with every word. “I’ll be the first thing you see when you wake up.”

Jensen just hums, an appreciative little sound as he slowly drifts off, fingers entwined with his boyfriend’s.

  
**Your heart is full of broken dreams**   
**Just a fading memory**   
**And everything's gone but the pain carries on**   
**Lost in the rain again**   
**When will it ever end**   
**The arms of relief seem so out of reach**   
**But I, I am here**

**I am with you**   
**I will carry you through it all**   
**I won't leave you I will catch you**   
**When you feel like letting go**   
**Cause you're not, you're not alone**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Not Alone - by Red


	26. Always Meant to Say Goodbye

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Five:**  
 _Always Meant to Say Goodbye_  
-~*~-

Over the next few days Jensen steadily heals, grows more aware and can stay awake for longer periods of time compared to when he first woke up. His mood however, declines. He is grateful that so many people care and want to be here with him but no matter how hard he tries he can’t be happy about anything. A numbness has taken up residence and he just sort of feels detached.

For the most part he sits in silence, even though everyone tries to draw him into conversation, he doesn’t put much effort into it. He just wants to be left alone, is starting to feel smothered and trapped. He knows everyone means well, but he hasn’t been given a moment’s peace since he woke up and it’s starting to wear on him.

Even Jared’s constant presence is becoming more of a frustration than a comfort like it used to be. He loves Jared, more than anything, but he kind of wishes his boyfriend would go home once in a while.

Jensen is aware of how bad this sounds, and he’s been able to refrain himself from taking out his frustration on anyone, but he feels like a ticking time bomb ready to blow. Deep down he knows he’s close to falling into depression, this is one of the main factors of him wanting to be left alone, but a good portion is his need for a little space… or at least that’s what he hopes it is.

He can’t really be too sure what is going on with him these days. He’s feeling less and less like himself and to be honest it’s scaring him a little. All of these people are here for him, showing him that they care, but he can’t bring himself to be as grateful as he should be, like he would have been before all of this happened. Mostly he just wants everyone to go away, to leave him alone, and that isn’t normal for him.

He realizes that means there’s something wrong with him, especially when he doesn’t even want Mackenzie around. He knows he probably needs help, but talking to a therapist isn’t something he wants to do. He’ll deal with this on his own, all he needs is time.

“You’ve been rather quiet lately,” Mackenzie says as she approaches his bedside, a concerned expression on her face as she reaches out and rests her hand on Jensen’s shoulder.

“Just haven’t felt much like talkin’,” Jensen responds with a shrug, going for nonchalant but knowing he hasn’t fooled her. Of everybody in his life his sister knows him the best, he’s never been able to hide anything from her and he knows she’s reading him like a book right now.

“You can talk to me ya know, you don’t have to hold it all in,” she tells him softly, trying to convey her sincerity through her eyes without inadvertently pressuring him or anything. Jensen usually has a pretty good head on his shoulders and can stay calm but he doesn’t do that well under pressure.

“I appreciate that Mack, I really do, but… I just… this isn’t something I want to talk about.” He sighs heavily and looks up at his sister hopefully, pleading for her to understand.

Mackenzie sucks in a sharp breath and her face pinches up, hurt for him written in her eyes, but she nods her head. “I just want you to be okay,” she whispers, taking his hand in hers, cupping it with both palms. “I hate seeing you like this, I just want to help you but I don’t know how.”

This isn’t really something she can help him with, no one can, he has to do this on his own, but he doesn’t tell her this. Instead he just squeezes her hand gently and tries to smile despite the pain it causes. “Just having you here helps,” he responds, the words tasting like ash in his mouth. 

He didn’t technically just lie to her, knowing she’s here does help, but with the strange way he’s been feeling lately everyone’s presence seems to be more a curse than a blessing. He can’t tell her this though, he doesn’t want to hurt her. He’s just in a weird funk right now, he’s sure he’ll feel grateful for having everyone here later on, he’ll be appreciative for the support… this mood he’s in can’t last forever.

“Hey you,” Jared says as he enters the room, a grin playing on his lips but concern hiding in his eyes.

Mackenzie eyes them both for a moment before clearing her throat and making a move toward the door. “I’ll just give you guys some time alone. I won’t be far,” she directs to Jensen before disappearing out into the hall.

“How you feeling?” Jared asks after a few long minutes of silence, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, strands of hair falling into his eyes as he looks at Jensen from beneath his lashes.

Jensen barely refrains from rolling his eyes. He’s been asked this very question more times than he can count, from everyone, and he’s getting sick and tired of it. He never really knows how to answer it, cause he isn’t doing so great, but no one wants to hear that. They don’t want the truth, so he lies and says he’s doing okay. He knows none of them buy it but they take this answer with soft, understanding smiles and pat him on the arm like that’s supposed to soothe him.

“I’ll be doing a lot better once the doctor tells me I can leave,” he responds with a sigh, turning his head away to gaze out the window. He’s too far away to really get a good view but it’s better than staring at that look on Jared’s face.

While being confined to his bed Jensen’s had nothing to do but think, and he’s been doing a hell of a lot of that lately. He’s mostly been thinking about Jared and their relationship, where it stands. No matter how many times Jared denies it, Jensen can’t help believing his boyfriend deserves better.

Jared hasn’t been pushing Jensen for things he can’t give him but he has been talking about the future and everything they will be able to do. Jensen knows why he’s doing this. He thinks if he keeps bringing up all the things Jensen wanted before he’ll remember that longing and will want all of that again. Like somehow Jensen will overcome this fear and be the person he was before. It isn’t that easy though, and Jensen tells Jared that over and over and each time he does he sees some of that light die in Jared’s eyes and it just about kills him.

Jensen has been changed for good, and while he may still want to walk down the street holding Jared’s hand, he just doesn’t believe he can do it. If Jared stays with him their relationship will always have to be locked behind closed doors, like some dirty secret, and he knows how unfair that is. He hadn’t wanted that before and he can’t bear to make Jared live like that. Jensen may be a selfish coward now but he’s not a hypocrite and he realizes that the best thing he could probably do for Jared is let him go, find happiness, something Jensen can’t give him.

_I shouldn’t be so selfish_ , he tells himself even as tears blind his vision. He loves Jared so much, can’t even contemplate a life without the other man, but he knows he’s being selfish. _I should do right by him and just let him go, give him the chance to move on, have all those things he realized he wants._

“Hey, hey, what’s with the tears?” Jared asks, a calm and soothing note to his voice as he rushes to Jensen’s side. “Come on Jen, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Jensen breathes deeply, trying to get a hold on himself, and shakes his head. “It’s noth…”

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing,” Jared interrupts him, somehow having the ability to sound firm and soothing at the same time. “Whatever it is you can tell me, I’m here for you Jen, you don’t have to hide anything from me.”

Jensen knows he should just end things right here right now, get it over with, like pulling off a band-aid, but he just can’t bring himself to form the words. He can’t force himself to break up with Jared even though he knows it’s the right thing to do. He and Jared have been through so much together and he can’t bear to see all of that end here. He’s also man enough - or selfish enough, depending how you like at it - to admit that he needs Jared, needs him during this. Jared’s constant hovering is getting on his last nerve but he knows not having Jared here with him would be worse.

“I don’t really want to talk about it Jared, if you don’t mind.”

Jared just stares at him for a moment, a mix of emotions on his face before shaking his head in frustration and turning his back to Jensen. Closing his eyes, Jensen leans back against his pillows, cursing himself for hurting Jared yet again. He knows Jared wants him to open up to him, to tell him what’s been going on with him these last few days, but that would mean confessing to things he knows Jared likely won’t want to hear and then the inevitable break up because Jensen still wholeheartedly believes it’s what he should do… he just hasn’t had the courage to do it yet.

“I wish you would just talk to me,” Jared speaks softly. “I… I just don’t…”

Jensen closes his eyes tighter but at the feel of a hand on his chin they snap open and he’s suddenly staring into pleading hazel eyes. Before he can suppress it he makes a broken noise, wanting to push Jared’s hand away but unable to get his body to cooperate, unable to look away from those eyes he loves so much.

“What’s happening to us Jen?” Jared cups Jensen’s cheek, looking deep into his eyes, searchingly. There’s sadness in them, a sadness Jensen’s the cause of. “I feel like I’m losing you and I don’t know how to stop it. Why are you pulling away from me? What can I do? Jen, please, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Jensen’s throat decides now is a good time to close up, which is okay because Jensen has no idea what he’d say even if he could speak right now. Tears are brimming Jared’s eyes, his hand actually shaking against Jensen’s face, but it’s the heartbreak he sees on his boyfriend’s face that have tears sliding down Jensen’s cheeks.

He wants to say he’s sorry, sorry for hurting Jared, sorry for what he’s going to do once he can find the courage, sorry for everything, but he just can’t seem to get his voice to work. Instead he just sits there, tears sliding down his face, sad eyes locked with Jared’s equally emotional ones.

Jared surges forward, pushing his lips to Jensen’s, kissing him with desperation. “Love you Jen,” he whispers against his lips, kissing him with the same desperation even as he pleads verbally. “Don’t tell me I’m losing you, please, don’t tell me that.”

Jensen doesn’t say a word.

**:0Ж0:**

It is a full two weeks later before the doctor finally comes in to inform Jensen that he will be released from the hospital the following day. Everyone is there to hear the news and express their happiness, smiles on their faces as they look between Jensen and the doctor, thanking him for taking such good care of Jensen.

Jensen is happy too of course, another minute spent in this hospital and he may have gone crazy. It’s just the prospect of what he’s going to do from here that has him quiet while everyone else talk rapidly with one another. Where does he go from here? What will he do? He doesn’t really know what he wants anymore, whether he should carry on the way he was before, get back to his life and go back to college, or… well that remains a mystery. He doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t go back to college, to California… and if he doesn’t go back to California then where _does_ he go?

So many questions and not enough answers.

He looks up when he feels a nudge to his shoulder, finding Chris staring down at him with curiosity in his eyes. “This is good news son, aren’t you happy?”

Jensen tries to smile convincingly, keeping it on his lips even as Chris narrows his eyes, clearly not fooled. “Of course I am,” he says, putting as much emotion into his voice as possible, just hoping it doesn’t sound as fake as it does to his own ears. “I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.”

Chris stares at him with crystal blue eyes that have always seemed to be able to read Jensen so well and Jensen just feels like hiding, doesn’t want to give anything away. “You know, Jared’s been talking to me a lot lately. Surprising, I know, since he usually goes to Steve when he needs to talk. But point is he’s been talking to me, has told me a few things… you’re not getting some weird thoughts in your head, are you?” he asks quietly so as to not be overheard by anyone else in the room but his words still ring in Jensen’s ears, his face flushing in shame like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. “You’re not going to do something stupid you’ll end up regretting, right Jen?”

Jensen doesn’t want to answer this but he knows the longer he stays quiet the more he gives away. He’s pretty much stuck, which is why when his mom, of all people, interrupts he has never been more relieved. Strange to think that he’d be grateful to his mom considering how awkward their relationship still is, but right now he’d rather talk to even her than Chris at the moment. The conversation is far from forgotten he knows, Chris won’t let it go that easily, but at least he’s been saved for now.

“Honey, I wanted to talk to you about where you’re going when you get out of here. I’ve been talking to your dad, and we both agree…”

“What do you mean where he’s going to go?” Jared interrupts, gaining the attention of everyone in the room and appearing not to care. His eyes are narrowed into slits, his stance firm, staring down Jensen’s mother. “There’s a room waiting for him at my parents house.”

“I appreciate that you’d take in my boy like that but I believe he needs his family right now,” his mom says pleasantly enough but there’s no denying the challenging look in her eyes as she looks at Jared. “The best place for him to be while he recovers is home, in Richardson, with us.”

Jared takes a step forward, not backing down. “The best place for him is with me.” He says this like that’s the end of the discussion, like she has no say, and from the tightening of her jaw Jensen can tell his mom is far from pleased with Jared standing up to her.

Inwardly Jensen is praising Jared, is awed with the way Jared has stepped up and fought for him, but at the same time, with all the thoughts that have been going through his mind, he’s not sure staying here with Jared is a good idea.

Sherri watches the standoff between her son and Jensen‘s mom for a few moments, a worried look on her face, before she moves to intervene. “In light of everything don’t you think now is not a good time for Jensen to be traveling? He shouldn’t be stuck in a car for hours on end and a plane is no better option.”

“Don’t you guys think that instead of arguing you should let Jen decide where he wants to go,” Mackenzie steps in, glaring at everyone. “It should be his decision.”

In that moment everyone in the room turns to Jensen like they expect him to give an answer right this minute, all it does is make him feel backed into a corner. “Can we not do this right now? I really don’t want to do this right now. So please, just let it go.”

Jared’s shoulders slump, hurt shining in his eyes, and Jensen forces himself to turn away, doing his best to ignore Chris’ disapproving and disappointed stare. “I’m really tired, I just want to rest a little bit.”

No one pressures him but Jared’s hurt eyes are like a dagger stabbing away at Jensen, silent pleas of ‘why’ and ‘why’re you doing this’. It’s enough to make Jensen wish he’d never come out of his coma because then he wouldn’t have to deal with the nightmares, the memories and the fear, but most of all, knowing he’s hurting the one person he cares about most in this world.

**:0Ж0:**

When the next day rolls around Jensen breathes a sigh of relief. The coming weeks aren’t going to be pleasant by any means, he’s got a broken leg and forearm, meaning he’ll be confined to a wheelchair. He’s not looking forward to it because he’s not good with depending on others to help him, and he knows he will need constant help, but at least he’s finally being released from the hospital.

Jared enters the room with a bounce to his step, looking happier than he has in days and the sight alone is enough to bring a rare smile to Jensen’s lips, even if it’s just a small one. It is good seeing Jared in a good mood, he hasn’t been lately, and Jensen knows he’s to blame.

He did give a little, letting Jared tell his family about them, because that doesn't hurt anything. But everything outside of closed doors, the public aspect of it, Jensen's not ready for and doesn't think he will ever be. Jensen’s constant reluctance and firm decision not to make their relationship public has been taking its toll on Jared. He hasn’t outwardly said anything and he does his best to hide his disappointment but Jensen sees right through him.

He really hates seeing what this is doing to Jared, what _he_ is doing to Jared. The irony of the situation isn’t lost on Jensen; he realizes that their roles have been reversed, with Jared wanting to be out and proud while Jensen is too scared. Life can sure be a bitch when it wants to be.

“I brought you some clothes do leave in,” Jared says, placing a bag on the table by the window.

“Thanks,” Jensen speaks softly, looking up at Jared through his lashes. “My others got ruined huh?”

Jared clears his throat uncomfortably, neither of them like thinking about the beating much less talking about it. “Yeah, the cops took them as evidence,” Jared says quietly. “But they’ve… they have a lot of…”

Jared doesn’t have to finish that sentence; Jensen knows his own blood is what ruined his clothing.

Jared clears his throat once more, shifting from one foot to the other. “You uh, want me to help you get changed?” he asks cautiously, as though afraid Jensen will be upset with him for asking.

Truth be told Jensen hasn’t seen his body but he’s sure he isn’t looking very attractive and the last thing he wants is for Jared to see him. He knows Jared would never judge him but Jensen is feeling pretty self-conscious about his body right now and he’d rather have a nurse help him than anyone he knows and cares about.

“Thanks for the offer but, I think I’m gonna wait and have the nurse help me when she gets back,” Jensen speaks softly, carefully, hoping Jared doesn’t take offense.

Thankfully Jared seems to understand, he’s obviously not too happy about it, but he still smiles understandingly and nods his head. “You know, you get to leave once you get dressed, and you still haven’t said where you want to go when you get out of here,” Jared brings the subject up, picking at an imaginary piece of lint on his shirt just to avoid looking into Jensen’s eyes. “You uh, have you made a decision yet? I mean, you’re coming back with me, right? To my parents’ place.”

Jensen had known this question was coming, had been dreading it, because yeah he did come to a decision, and he knows Jared won’t be pleased with it. “Yeah, I uh,” Jensen clears his throat awkwardly, keeping his eyes focused on a patch of wall in front of him, feeling Jared’s eyes on him but trying to ignore it. “I’m going home with my parents.”

The silence that follows his words is deafening and oppressive, and Jensen doesn’t have to be looking at Jared to know the shaggy haired man is slack jawed in shock. He’d been putting this conversation off for too long, because he knew it’d be tough, but the thought of it doesn’t even come close to the reality of it. Part of him can’t believe he’s saying this, can’t believe what he’s about to say, but he trudges on regardless.

_Jared’s better off_ , he tells himself repeatedly, needing to believe it.

“I think it’s for the best Jay,” he whispers, feeling like he can’t breathe right.

Jared forces himself into Jensen’s line of sight, making him face the situation, be present for what he’s saying, make him see just what it’s doing to Jared. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” Jared asks with a defeated slump to his shoulders but he doesn’t sound surprised, he sounds like he’d been expecting this.

“I know you’re probably angry at me but you’re better off with someone else Jay, I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone right now and you deserve better than me, better than what I can give you, which let’s face it, isn’t much.” Jensen says, his words sounding rehearsed and like he’s trying to convince himself just as much as Jared. “I can’t do this to you Jared, _I won’t_. I don’t want you waiting around for me, especially when I can’t make you any promises.”

Jared’s eyes narrow slightly, a little anger showing through. “So you’re doing this for me? Do I have that right?” he asks, an edge to his voice, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It probably doesn’t seem that way to you right now but eventually you’ll thank me for this, I’m sure of it. You don’t see it now but you’ll eventually realize that you want more than I’m willing to give you. You don’t want to wait around for me Jared, it’d be selfish of me to ask you and I refuse to do that to you.”

Jared scoffs, features twisted, but he no longer looks angry. He’s upset obviously but he looks kind of sad, looking at Jensen like he’d expected this but is sad to see he’d been right. “Nothing I say is going to change your mind, is it?” He bites his lip and closes his eyes when Jensen shakes his head.

“You can deny it all you want Jen but you’re not doing this for me. I don’t want you to do this but you’re doing it anyway. No, you’re doing this because you’re scared and you’re running. You’re doing the exact same thing I did. And I know I don’t have any right to ask this, seeing as all the mistakes I’ve made with you, but I’m pleading here… don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Jared, I really don’t, but I… believe this is for the best,” Jensen has to take a moment just to breathe, unable to meet Jared’s eyes any longer, afraid of what his own may reveal.

“The fact that you just paused tells me you don’t believe that, not completely.” Jared moves closer, sitting awkwardly on the bed, reaching his hand out to cup Jensen’s cheek. “I know how stubborn you can be, especially when you’ve made up your mind, but I’m begging here, don’t do this. Please Jen, I love you, and I need you… don’t leave me.”

A couple of tears slide down Jared’s face and Jensen wants nothing more than to wipe them away, ease Jared’s pain, but he doesn’t. He knows he doesn’t have that right anymore, especially since he’s the reason for Jared’s pain in the first place.

“I know it’s not fair Jared, and I love you, I do, but… I need time…” This isn’t truly what Jensen wanted to say, he’d wanted to end things between them not say ‘I need time’. It’d be best to just break up now, not drag this out, hurting them both more than he already is, but even now it would seem he can’t form the right words.

“Come on Jen, don’t do this, _I won’t let you do this_!” Tears now stream down Jared’s face unbidden, wiping unsuccessfully at them even as his other hand grips onto Jensen, like he can keep him there so long as he holds tight enough. It’s a little painful but Jensen doesn’t protest, just forces himself to look into Jared’s watery eyes, face what he’s done, heart clenching at the raw emotion he finds on Jared’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers softly, lip trembling with suppressed tears, turning his head quickly when the door opens suddenly, not wanting their visitor to see him. Jared isn’t as ashamed as he turns to whoever is standing in the doorway.

“I just came to help Jensen get dressed.” Donna speaks quietly, a cautious tone to her voice, sounding on the verge of turning and leaving the way she came. “I can give you two a few more moments if you’d like.”

“What’s the hold up?” Josh asks as he appears behind Donna, and before either Jensen or Jared know it the room is full with both Jensen’s family and Jared’s. Jensen wipes quickly at his face, doing his best to get rid of the tears that had escaped his eyes.

“Why don’t we give these two a few moments alone,” Donna says as she grabs Mackenzie’s arm and begins to drag her from the room, motioning for the others to follow.

“Thank you,” Jared says gratefully just as Jensen says, “Wait.”

Everyone turns to Jensen uncertainly, looking between him and Jared, silently asking what they should do. “Jared and I were done anyway, I uh… I’d like to get dressed now.”

“Jen?” The hurt in Jared’s voice is overwhelming, tangible, and Jensen gives him a shaky, apologetic smile.

“There’s nothing left to say Jay,” he whispers, voice rough with the emotion he’s doing his damnedest to suppress, hands shaking. “I’m going home with my parents,” he glances around the room as he says this, seeing the shock on everyone’s faces. “I’ve made my decision and I, uh… I’m not going to change my mind… I… I’m sorry.”

Jared doesn’t try to say anything else, just stares at Jensen in disbelief, hurt and a touch of anger on his face before he pushes off of the bed and strides out of the room, not stopping when Steve tells him to wait up. Jensen’s eyes drop to the blanket covering him, _What’d I just do?_ Tears instantly fill his eyes but he doesn’t let them fall. Vaguely he hears Chris telling him that he’s making a mistake but Jensen doesn’t respond at all.

_Mistake or not, what’s done is done_ , he tells himself as that familiar numbness settles over him and he just stares blankly at nothing in particular, heart feeling heavy in his chest.

  
**Remember all the things we wanted**   
**Now all our memories, they’re haunted**   
**We were always meant to say goodbye**

**You know that I love you so**   
**I love you enough to let you go**

**I want you to know**   
**That it doesn’t matter**   
**Where we take this road**   
**Someone’s gotta go**   
**And I want you to know**   
**You couldn’t have loved me better**   
**But I want you to move on**   
**So I’m already gone**   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson


	27. Struggling to Cope

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Six:**  
 _Struggling to Cope_  
-~*~-

January 30th, 2001

Through the part in his curtains Jared can see that the sun is shining brightly, can hear birds chirping, and the laughter from the neighborhood children. It is basically a beautiful day, meant to be spent outside, not locked indoors, but Jared doesn’t feel much like joining the rest of the town in its joy. All joy has been sapped out of him, he feels depressed and lost, and missing Jensen so much he can’t think straight.

By now he probably should’ve headed back to California, should’ve gotten back to his studies and the life he built there, but he just can’t seem to make himself do it. What’s the point in going back there? His whole world is here, even if not currently with him at the moment. He can’t bear the thought of going back knowing Jensen won’t be there. He may not be with Jensen right now but at least they’re in the same state.

Thankfully none of his family has tried convincing him to go back. They are all worried about him, hovering over him, asking him time and time again if he’s okay. He loves his family, is glad they care, but right now he really just wants to be left alone.

Time and time again he’s picked up the phone, started to dial the Ackles’ number - which he got from Josh without Jensen knowing - but he always hangs up before he can punch in the last digit. He’s a coward, he knows, but Jensen wants space and Jared’s a little afraid to call and upset his boyfriend. _Ex-boyfriend_ , a voice in his head reminds him masochistically. Tears fill his eyes anew at the mere thought, he makes no attempt to wipe them away.

He keeps telling himself that Jensen didn’t really mean what he said, that he’ll come around once he’s been able to work through some of the stuff clouding his mind. Jared hopes and prays that Jensen will tell him that he made a mistake, that all he needed was some time to figure things out on his own, and that he wants Jared back. It’s probably just wishful thinking but it’s the only thing keeping him going.

Jared closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths when his bedroom door opens. He knew it’d only be a matter of time before someone came in again to check on him, they do it periodically throughout the day, but he doesn’t want the company right now. He wants to lie on his bed, thinking about Jensen and how it all went wrong, the part he played in it and how he wishes he could turn back time and do things differently. Misery is his company these days.

The last thing he wants to do right now is talk to his family, he’s not feeling up to conversation, but every time they come up here he almost feels obligated to respond when they speak to him. He says ‘almost’ because he doesn’t always talk back, sometimes he stays lying on his side and pretends they aren’t there until they finally give up and leave him on his own again.

_I wonder what Jen’s doing right now_ , the thought enters his mind randomly, like most of his thoughts do these days. His mind just skips through random thoughts without him trying, like they’re on autopilot. Random thoughts and memories, both good and bad, filtering through his mind like a film reel.

The silence surrounds him and his visitor, deafening and threatening to consume him whole. He almost wishes it would, maybe then he’d get some rest, some peace… a respite from the guilt that’s been eating him alive and the pain of the likes he’s never experienced before. He thought losing Jensen before had been hard, but that’d been by his own hand. Sure, it had hurt, but it’d been a decision he’d made, one he had time to prepare himself for, and while that didn’t make the pain any less, it had been different. This time Jensen did the leaving and Jared feels like his heart’s been ripped out. What used to matter doesn’t so much anymore, life without Jensen isn’t a life he wants at all and he feels so lost, like it’ll never get better. He’s been looking for a light at the end of the tunnel but it’s just endless darkness.

Jared flinches when a hand lands on his shoulder but that’s the only indication he gives that he’s even awake and aware. A soft sigh can be heard over his shoulder and immediately he knows it’s his sister. “I brought you some soup,” she tells him softly, the concern in her voice clear and almost tangible. “I made it myself.”

“Not hungry,” Jared mumbles quietly, letting the silence of the room swallow his words.

“Jared, you need to eat,” Megan insists, pleadingly, squeezing his shoulder like this will coax him into action. It may have in the past - knowing he was worrying his sister - but it barely breaches the wall of pain surrounding his heart.

“You’re really starting to worry me here J.T., and I’m not the only one.”

Jared hears the words, takes them in, but he still makes no attempt to respond. He just fists his hands into the pillow beneath his head and inhales, the scent of Jensen still lingering on it. Megan sighs heavily once more before her hand disappears from his shoulder and the bed dips as she stands up. In that quiet voice of hers she tells him the soup is on the nightstand and that she’ll be in the kitchen if he needs her. Her footsteps are quiet on the carpet but he hears the door open.

“Do you think he’s missing me right now?” He asks before he even knows he’s going to open his mouth, the words pouring out before he can reign them in. He doesn’t really want to think about this, doesn’t want to make guesses… but he spoke on impulse, so, maybe he actually _did_ want to talk about it.

“How could he not?” is her immediate response. “I know you thought you were hiding it well but, while you never said anything, I could tell you loved Jensen. It was in the way you looked at each other. That boy is in love with you Jared, and you don’t fall out of love overnight. I’d say it’s safe to say he’s as miserable as you are right now.”

“I don’t want him to be miserable,” he speaks mostly to himself as he rolls over onto his other side to face his sister. “Even though he left me I hate the thought of him in pain but at the same time I wish I knew if he missed me or not ‘cause then I’d know he…”

“That he loved you and would come back when he’s ready?” She asks, giving voice to the thoughts he couldn’t voice himself.

Jared mulls over the thought, trying to separate the possibilities from wishful thinking. The memory assaults him, reliving the tears in Jensen’s eyes as he ended their relationship but the firmness in which he made his decision. He’d meant what he said that day, there’s no denying that, and Jared can’t help but lose a little of the hope he still has of them every getting back together.

Jensen’s hurting right now, his thoughts and feelings are all over the place. He’s going through a situation Jared couldn’t begin to fathom, could never put himself in Jensen’s shoes. He realizes that Jensen thinks he is doing what’s best for himself and Jared, thinks he’s no good for anyone, is too damaged. Jared wants to be there for him, to help him through it, but he can’t force himself on Jensen.

Jensen is one of the most stubborn people he knows, and when Jensen makes up his mind it’s like pulling teeth trying to change it. If Jensen comes back to Jared it will be his decision, there will be nothing Jared can do to convince him that he is in this for real this time, and that he doesn’t care how long it takes, he isn’t going to give up on him.

“He’s never gonna come back to me,” he speaks aloud, voice breaking softly as the reality of everything comes crashing down on him.

Megan is at his side in an instant, grabbing his arm firmly as she shakes her head. “You can’t know that for sure Jay,” she tells him firmly, doing her best to encourage him, though it’s plain to see it isn’t working. “You just need to give him some time, he’s got a lot to work through, thoughts to get in order, and… maybe this isn’t something you can help him with. Maybe he needs to do this on his own. You just need to be patient with him, give him the space he needs, and let _him_ come to _you_ when he’s ready.”

“You don’t understand Meggie… you don’t know about all the shit I’ve put him through. I’ve given him the run-around so many times, gave him false promises, blamed things on him… all because I was a coward. I couldn’t be the man he deserved then so what makes me think I can be now?” Tears fill Jared’s eyes just as something clicks into place, an understanding. “Maybe he’s got the right idea.”

A frown appears on Megan’s face as she cautiously asks, “What do you mean? Why would you say that?”

“He’s tried and tried again with me Meggie, given me more chances than I deserved, and maybe he’s reached his limit. I wouldn’t blame him for giving up on me, I know there’s only so much he can take.” This newfound understanding leaves him feeling empty but at the same time he feels like he can breathe a little easier.

For the first time today Jared pushes himself off of the bed and moves to the window, looking outside, eyes trained on a place far in the distance. Megan doesn’t move from her spot on the bed, just sits there staring at Jared with sympathy. Jared dismisses the emotion in her eyes, turning away from her completely, eyes trained on the view outside the window.

“I’ve hurt him so much Megan, drug his heart through the mud and then stomped on it. I didn’t treat him very well, I know that now… and maybe I can make up for that, even if just a little bit.”

Megan does rise from the bed this time, he hears the bedsprings squeak when she stands up. Before he knows it she’s standing beside him, a look of complete disbelief on her face. “I don’t like where this is going J.T., you can’t honestly be saying…”

Jared gives her a brief, broken smile that makes her freeze mid-sentence. “I’m not saying I like it, in fact it hurts like hell, but maybe I should just do what he wants and let him go. I haven’t given him what he wants all this time but, maybe I should start. Maybe I can do right by him this time by giving him what he wants.”

Megan gapes at him. “Of all the times to start giving him what he wants _this_ is the time you choose?” She shakes her head, looking like she’d rather be shaking him. “J.T., I say this because I love you… don’t be an idiot! You love him, he loves you, and you don’t just throw that away!”

“I’m not throwing it away,” he says firmly. “I’m just…”

“Being an idiot,” she interrupts him with a scowl but he just shrugs his shoulders.

“You can think what you want Megan but… I just…” he huffs when he can’t get his thoughts put into words, turning to stare out the window once more. “We’ve been trying and trying to make this relationship work, him maybe more than me, but I was too, no matter what it may have seemed like at the time. I was afraid before, afraid of you guys’ reactions, afraid of pushing Jensen away, afraid of losing my family as much as losing him. I’ve worn myself thin and I know he’s in the same condition. I just think… we’re both tired.”

“First off,” she pokes him in the chest, a hard look in her eyes but soft expression on her face. “You were an idiot if you seriously thought for even a second that I’d cut you out of my life. I don’t care that you’re gay, I wouldn’t care if you came up to me tomorrow and told me you wanted to be a woman, I love you and always will, no matter what you do. Don’t ever be afraid to come to me again, especially with something so important. You can tell me anything.”

Jared is almost in tears as he grabs hold of his sister and hugs her tight to him, burying his face in her hair. “Thanks Meggie,” he whispers, so relieved and just touched that his sister cares so much, warmed by the fact that she’ll always be on his side. “That means more to me than you could ever possibly know.”

She chuckles softly, patting his back. “No problem bro,” she tells him before pulling out of their hug. She looks into his eyes for a moment, pride in her gaze, before she schools her features, a tell-tale sign that she’s gonna say something Jared may not like.

“Secondly, you’re what, tired of trying?” She asks incredulously and he actually flinches at her tone but she doesn’t seem to care. “Relationships aren’t meant to be easy Jare, trying to make it work is the whole point. You’re gonna have your low moments but you’ll also have those moments that make it all worthwhile. Don’t tell me you don’t love him enough to keep trying because we both know it’d be a lie.”

With that said, she gives him a warm smile to soften the way she kind of just laid into him to set him straight and then she quietly leaves the room. It is kind of ironic how his baby sister just gave him advice on love. _When did she get so grown up?_

He isn’t going to just dismiss what she’s said, but he isn’t completely sure he agrees with her yet. She’s made some valid points, relationships are never easy, but he can’t help thinking they shouldn’t be as hard as his and Jensen’s is. How could their relationship be good when all they do is hurt each other time and time again? It’s a never ending cycle. He’s beginning to think they were just never meant to be together.

He’s starting to believe this may be true but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t mean the thought of losing Jensen for good isn’t like a stab through the heart.

**:0Ж0:**

“You didn’t have to follow me here,” Jensen says, the same thing he’s been saying every single day since he got back home, a place he never thought he’d come back to. “You’ve got a life in Cali, jobs you can’t put off for much longer. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful but I don’t want you losing your jobs because of me.”

“Don’t you worry about our jobs Jen,” Chris drawls lazily as he drops down onto the couch next to him, careful not to jar his leg which is propped up on a pillow, a beer in Chris’ right hand and turkey sandwich in his left. “Look at it as an extended vacation… Steve and I were definitely due one of those.”

Jensen just gives a soft grin and shakes his head. “Yeah, but still… I know all that vacation time you had stored away is almost up and I don’t want you getting in trouble on my account. When you gotta head back then you do that, don’t worry about me. I’ve got family looking after me.”

Chris raises an eyebrow and, yeah, Jensen knew this was a weak argument. He and his parents may be on speaking terms now, trying to rebuild all they lost, all that was broken, but it hasn’t been going so smoothly. Jensen finds himself having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He loves his parents, had wished they’d come to their senses and want to be a part of his life again, but now that they have… he’s just having a hard time letting go of the past.

He isn’t trying to be difficult but most often these days he finds himself alternating between frustrated and uncomfortable. His parents are trying but it almost seems like they’re just trying a little too hard. Watching extra close to what they say to him, trying to hard to please him, acting… well, not at all like his parents. It’s like they’re playing a part, the part of the parents they believe he wants or something.

He doesn’t want all of the awkward stares and silences, the silted conversations and tentative smiles. He wants them to be themselves, to show they truly accept him now, not playing the part of loving parents just because he got hurt and they feel guilty now. He knows that probably isn’t fair to them, they are trying. He’s sure they aren’t being nice to him, treating him like their son, just because they feel guilty that he got hurt, but it feels like that a lot of the time.

“Mack is here,” he amends. “I’m not alone, she’ll watch over me for you, I know that’s what is worrying you the most. But, just so you know, even if she wasn’t I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I’m not suicidal.”

Chris takes a swig of his beer, wiping at his mouth before turning to Jensen with a serious look in his eyes. “I know you’re not suicidal Jen, okay, I just want to be here for you. You need your friends, despite what you may think. You try to pretend that you haven’t been that affected by this whole thing but you can’t fool me. I’ve heard the nightmares, every night I might add, and I can see it all over your face. It’s haunting you son, and now more than ever you need the support of your friends. I’m not going anywhere until I absolutely have to, and even then I’ll be calling every day, so just shut up and accept it.”

Despite himself Jensen finds a small smile curving the corner of his lips. “Yeah alright I’ll let it go,” he responds quietly. “I do appreciate you being here, I hope you don’t think I don’t, cause I do. I’m glad you’re here.”

Chris is silent in thought for just a moment before giving Jensen a soft look. “Yeah Jen, I know, didn’t need to be said.”

“You two sharing a moment?” Steve asks teasingly as he suddenly appears behind the couch, standing there with his hands resting on the back as he glances between Chris and Jensen.

Chris scowls deeply but from where Jensen’s sitting it just looks like he’s pouting, he knows better than to point this out though, instead he just smiles to himself, chuckling softly. Steve rounds the couch and drops down next to Chris, nearly making the man spill the beer he’s holding.

“Watch it would ya?” Chris grumbles as he leans forward to put his beer on the coffee table.

“You’re way too attached to that beer,” Steve comments in amusement but Chris just raises an eyebrow, not as amused but still smiling slightly.

“Whatever, don’t pretend you’re any better.”

Jensen watches his friends bicker lightly back and forth, and while it is slightly amusing, he really just isn’t feeling it. He loves having them around, enjoys their company, but lately he’s just been… different. His mind and feelings are still all over the place and he hasn’t quite figured out how to get a handle on it all yet. Some days are better than others, some are worse, it just depends.

These days he thinks about Jared a lot, wonders how he’s doing, if he’s okay. He can only hope Jared isn’t taking this too hard, isn’t letting it get the best of him. Jensen can still remember how he felt when Jared broke up with him, the pain and listlessness, no desire or motivation to do anything but hole himself up in his room and detach himself from the world. He just hopes he hasn’t left Jared in a similar state. He never wanted to hurt Jared but he knows he did and he can only hope Jared bounces back from this, doesn’t let it keep him down for too long.

He can admit that he misses having Jared around, the days seem harder without him. He doesn’t want to miss him though, doesn’t want to wish he was here or regret doing what he truly believes was for the best. But just because he believes it was for the best doesn’t make it any easier, doesn’t make him miss Jared any less. _You don’t deserve to miss him_ , a nasty voice tells him and part of him actually believes that may be true. He _left_ Jared, _broke his heart_ , he doesn’t have the right to miss him.

“Have either of you, um…” Jensen trails off before he can get the words out, not quite sure why he was going to ask in the first place.

Chris and Steve look at him unflinchingly, expressions of understanding on their faces, apparently they know exactly what Jensen wanted to ask. He’s been doing his best not to mention Jared at all, wanting to pretend the guy hasn’t crossed his mind, but he should have known better. Chris and Steve have been there with Jared and Jensen throughout their whole relationship, and they know them very well, there’s no way Jensen could hide this from them, deep down he knew that all along.

“Yeah Jen, I’ve spoken to him a couple of times,” Steve tells him softly, an expectant look on his face, obviously knowing what Jensen really wants to know.

“How uh, how is he?”

His friends give him matching expressions of sympathy, something he wants the least right now. He doesn’t exactly deserve their sympathy, considering he was the one that broke up with Jared. He’s actually surprised they aren’t angry with him for what he did. He’d been expecting them to be upset. But they haven’t really brought it up.

“Do you really want to know the answer to that question?” Steve asks, looking at him pointedly. “You have to know he isn’t doing so well.”

Jensen shifts uncomfortably in his seat, gasping softly when his ribs scream in protest. This gains Chris and Steve’s focus immediately, their eyes scrutinizing him, their conversation already forgotten. He laughs sheepishly, shrugging his shoulder carefully.

“You need more pain pills?” Steve asks but before Jensen can answer Chris is rising to his feet and striding swiftly from the room.

_Mother hen_ , Jensen thinks to himself fondly as he and Steve share an eye roll.

**:0Ж0:**

The next couple of days pass by much like the days before them and before he knows it Chris and Steve have to head back to California. He wishes them a safe flight, reassuring them over and over that he’ll be alright, and practically has to push them out the door. But when they’re finally gone the house instantly feels more suffocating and he wants nothing more than to get out.

Part of him wishes he could’ve gone with them but he knew that wasn’t a possibility. For one, he’d never put that burden on their shoulders, he knows he requires a lot of help these days. They never complained of course, but Jensen would never burden his friends like that. He really isn’t up for that kind of traveling at the moment anyway, and it’s best to stay in Texas for the time being. This is where he needs to be, whether he wants to be here or not.

This is the house he grew up in, this is his family, but now he just feels like a stranger in a foreign place. He doesn’t quite know how to act around his parents anymore and he knows the feeling is mutual. One thing he has to be thankful for is the fact that he’s not alone here with them, he can spend his time with Mackenzie. He knows he just needs to reconnect with his parents, get over old hurts and move on, but that will take some time.

“Hey Jen, we haven’t really had time to talk lately,” Mack says quietly as she suddenly appears beside him, looking at him carefully, trying to read him.

Jensen just stares back at her for a moment before turning back to the TV he hadn’t actually been watching. “You’re fishing,” he says simply. “What is it you really want Mack?”

“I can’t just want to talk to my brother?” she asks innocently but Jensen isn’t falling for the act, he knows his sister too well.

“Not when you use that tone,” he responds wryly, giving her a tiny grin.

Their mom pokes her head around the corner before either Jensen or Mackenzie can say anything further, a smile lighting her face. “Lunch is on the table, I figured you two were probably getting hungry.”

To be honest Jensen isn’t that hungry, his appetite hasn’t fully returned yet, but he knows he has to eat, especially since he’s on pain meds right now. He gives her the best grateful smile he can manage and thanks her quietly. Mackenzie is the one who comes to his aid, helping him into his wheelchair. It only makes him feel more like an invalid but he forces down any complaints that want to rush to the surface, biting his tongue and keeping sullenly silent.

Mackenzie wheels him to the table before taking a seat herself, digging into the sandwich their mom set out for her. “I know you don’t like to talk about this,” she begins around a mouthful of food. “But be honest with me, how are you really doing?”

Jensen takes a moment to consider this. “As best as expected,” he answers after a moment, already knowing this isn’t the answer she was hoping for.

“That’s the response you’ve been giving every time someone asks you, I want _the truth_ ,” she pushes undeterred. “How are you really doing? You still having nightmares? Have you considered seeing a therapist? What about Jared? How are you holding up?”

Jensen sighs heavily as his sister fires question after question at him, questions he doesn’t want to answer much less think too closely on. _Not_ giving Jared much thought isn’t exactly easy of course, and to be honest he’s a little confused about where he stands with Jared, what he truly wants. He ended things between them, no going back from that now, especially while he’s still so confused… but, well sometimes he has to wonder if… _Don’t think about it_ , he tells himself firmly when all those confusing, consuming thoughts threaten to come back and plague him for the rest of the day.

Instead he decides talking about how he’s coping is the lesser of two evils.

“You’re telling me you haven’t heard me at night?” he asks incredulously. “I know I’ve practically screamed the house down, Chris and Steve told me.”

Mackenzie grins a little sheepishly. “I heard Jen, I just wanted to see if…”

“If I’d admit to them,” Jensen finishes for her, understanding but kind of sad that his sister, the person he’s closest to, doubted he’d be honest with her. Yeah, this is a bad situation, one he’s struggling to deal with, but of everyone Mackenzie is the one person he would go to if he needed someone to talk to, the one person he’d never lie to if asked straight out. “I don’t really know what to tell you Mack, I mean I’m coping the best I can, it’s just… it’s gonna take some time.”

Mackenzie bites her lip, looking up at him from beneath her lashes, indecision in her eyes before she finally opens her mouth. “I know you aren’t gonna like to hear this Jen, but I think you need to see a psychologist,” she holds her hand up when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “You’re struggling with this, you said so yourself, and while I am always here to listen and help in any way I possibly can, we both know it’s not enough. You need someone to talk to who can help you put this behind you and move on with your life, to help you get your life back, and a psychologist is the best option you have. I know you don’t want professional help but you need it. Please, just promise me you’ll consider it.”

Jensen closes his eyes tightly. He has never been able to deny his sister anything, but this is one thing he’s not sure he can promise. He doesn’t want to see a psychologist, doesn’t want to talk about what happened to him to a complete stranger. How could they possibly help him through this when they have no idea what it’s like to go through something like he did? Everything they know they learned from a text book and a professor. How the hell could they help him through this when they haven’t experienced it themselves?

He will admit he probably needs help though, needs to talk about what happened. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about any of this, doesn’t want to talk about it at all, just wants to forget it ever happened and move on. He’s a realist though, he knows there’s no forgetting. Besides, maybe it’d be better that he talk to a psychologist, he supposes that would be better than burdening his family with it.

_Great, now my mind is running in circles_ , he thinks to himself with a mental eye roll.

“I can’t promise anything Mack but I’ll think about it,” he whispers softly, unable to give her much more than that.

**:0Ж0:**

“You’ve got all of us really worried about you.”

Jensen looks up when his mom joined him outside. He’d recently taken to spending his time on the back porch. He didn’t like leaving the house, the bruises on his face had yet to fade and being pushed around in the wheelchair made him feel like he was put on display, so he stayed at his parents house, refusing to leave. He’d been yearning for some fresh air though and decided spending hours in the backyard was his best option. It was peaceful back here, no one hardly ever bothered him and he didn’t have to worry about curious stares upon him.

“Why are you worrying about me?” He asks as he turns his head away once more, staring off into the distance with a slight sigh. “I’m fine mom.”

“No you’re not and you know it,” she counters as gently as she could, pulling up a chair next to him. He didn’t turn to look at her but her presence was felt, her penetrating stare made him feel like he was under a microscope. “Why haven’t you called that boy? We all know you miss him.”

Jensen closes his eyes, he’d been waiting for this, just didn’t expect it to come from his mom. “Don’t mom, I can’t okay, I just can’t. He’s better off without me.”

“Don’t you talk like that,” she admonishes him gently, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder. “That boy loves you, even I could see that. I don’t know what happened between you two exactly but I know love when I see it Jensen, and you two love each other. Why push him away when you need him the most? He wants to be here for you, wants to be with you, and I know you miss him too. Why not give him a call, tell him you need him? I’m sure he’d be on the first flight out if you did.”

“I’m not ready, not sure when I will be, and that’s not fair to him. We’re in different places now… then again, we always were,” he let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head a little. “He took that step forward and I took two steps back. It’s like we’ve always got something against us, I don’t know, maybe we really aren’t meant to be together.”

“All good relationships are never easy Jensen, in fact most of the time they hurt like hell and it’s a constant fight, but it’s worth it. If you love Jared you shouldn’t push him away, you should let him in. I know you think what you’re doing is in his best interest but you’re scared and that’s the real reason. You need him but you’re afraid you’re not good enough anymore, not strong enough. I don’t believe that’s true though.”

“I don’t know mom.” Jensen let out a sigh, turning his head to look at her. There were so many things he wanted to say but he just couldn’t seem to find the words.

“You and I lost touch with each other but I like to think I still know my son, and my son is strong willed and fights for what he believes in. What you went through was horrible and I can’t begin to imagine what is going through your head, I know you’re a little lost right now but I know you’re still in there, that fire is still there, you just need to find it again.” She grips onto his shoulder a little tighter, leaning forward, making sure he doesn’t break eye contact. “Don’t let those boys get the best of you Jensen, don’t let them win. They wanted to take your life away from you but don’t you let them take it, you fight back and show them that you’re stronger than that; show them they didn’t break you.”

Jensen forces a weak smile onto his face, shaking his head a little. “I’m real messed up right now mom, my head is, and I’m no good for him right now. I do love Jared but I need to work through the issues in my head before I can be what he needs. If he moves on than I wish him the best but I can’t be with him right now. I need to focus on me, I…” Jensen trails off, voice slightly choked from emotion. “I need to see professional help.” He admits even though it’s a hard thing to admit. “I need help getting my life in order.”

His mom’s expression softens, a teary smile appearing on her face. “I’m glad you’ve come to that decision. There’s no shame in seeking help Jensen, and I’m proud of you.” She kisses his forehead, that teary smile still on her face. “Things will get better, don’t lose faith.”

Jensen sighs heavily, shutting his eyes for a moment before opening them to stare off into the distance once more. “I hope you’re right… I just hope Jared will understand.” _I love him enough to let him go_ , he tells himself in silence, hoping they can get back what’s been lost but knowing it is more than possible they may not.


	28. This is Life Without You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Seven:**  
 _This is Life Without You_  
-~*~-

September 4th, 2001

Jared walks across the college campus, heading to the student parking lot to wait for Chad to arrive. His last class of the day had just ended and now he has an hour before he has to be to work. Chad called earlier in the day, taking it upon himself to decide that Jared needed some company. Jared knows he hasn’t exactly been the most sociable person these past few months, deciding to throw himself into his work and classes for the distraction he’s been looking for.

It’s been months since he’s seen Jensen much less spoken to him and it’s been hard as hell on him, but he’s been giving Jensen the space he asked for. Some days he doesn’t know how he manages to get through the day. Often he finds himself holding his cell, staring down at the screen, at Jensen’s name and home number, wanting so badly to call but knowing he won’t.

Jensen never returned to school, not that Jared’s altogether surprised, but it was still a little disappointing. Being there, at that school, wasn’t easy for Jared. Everywhere he looked he kept expecting to see Jensen, walking to and from class, with that smile on his face when they’d catch each others eyes. Now Jared knows he isn’t going to see him there and it’s hard.

The last conversation he had with Jensen is still fresh in his mind, even after the seven months that have gone by.

 

_Jared holds the phone close to his ear, shaking slightly from just hearing Jensen’s voice over the line. “How’ve you been?” He manages to speak, his voice only trembling slightly from the relief flooding through his system._

_“I’ve…” Jensen trails off, a soft sigh overheard down the line. “I’m dealing.”_

_Jared isn’t quite sure how to respond to that answer, especially after Jensen grows quiet. It’s not really an answer at all but then again Jared had already known that Jensen would likely be having a tough time, given all he’d been through. It was tough on Jared, wanting to be there with Jensen to support him and help him through this, but knowing he was unwanted._

_That hurt like hell. He wouldn’t say as much however, things were strained enough between them, he didn’t want to make Jensen feel guilty, or worse, push him even further away by upsetting him._

_“I…” Jared trails off, still uncertain about how to respond. He bit his lip for a moment, sighing inaudibly so Jensen wouldn’t hear and get the wrong idea. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m glad you called,” is what he finally settles on, it being the most honest reply and one that doesn’t push Jensen to talk about anything he doesn’t want to; the safest route._

_Down the line Jared can hear Jensen take a breath and he clings to the sound of him, feeling pathetic but not ashamed of it. “I wasn’t sure I should, I know this isn’t easy for you.”_

_Jared’s heart clenches and he has to close his eyes tightly again._

_Part of him is undeniably upset with Jensen for putting this distance between them, making a simple phone call so awkward that they didn’t even know how to talk to each other, worrying over saying the wrong thing, but at the same time he’s grateful for anything he’s being given._

_“I’m glad you called,” he repeats firmly so there’s no doubt. “I know you need your space and I’m giving you as much as you need, but hearing from you, knowing how you’re doing…” He trails off, taking a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m just glad to hear you’re doing okay. I’ve been worrying about you.”_

_He knew their relationship was over but that didn’t mean he wanted Jensen to disappear from his life completely. If friendship was all he could have then he would certainly take it in a heartbeat. It was no secret that he still held hope for them, hadn’t given up on Jensen and the hope he had for them to get back together one day, but most of all he wanted Jensen in his life, no matter what shape or form._

_Jensen is silent for a long time and Jared is beginning to wonder if he hung up on him. He clings to the phone that much harder, panic starting to blossom in his chest, his heart beating harder than before. “Jen? You still there?” He knows the panic is obvious in his voice. This was the first time he had heard from Jensen in a while, the conversation couldn’t be over that fast. He couldn’t lose this connection so quickly; this hadn’t been enough for him._

_“I’m here,” Jensen finally responds but the tone of his voice isn’t a happy one. “I shouldn’t have called though. I’m not making it any easier on you by doing this, and I did it for selfish reasons.” Even from down the line Jared can tell he’s shaking his head, he just knows Jensen that well. “I’m not taking back what I said, what I did, but I needed to hear your voice so… I was being selfish.”_

_Jared can tell that Jensen is a second away from ending the call, breaking their connection once more, and he just can’t let him do it. Not yet. “Even if you’re not taking back anything I’m still glad to hear from you Jen.” He rushes to say before Jensen can say goodbye. “I understand this phone call isn’t meant to give me any hope, and I’m okay with that.” Mostly, he says inwardly. “I’m just glad to hear your voice too, I’ve missed hearing you.”_

_A sigh can be heard down the line. “But still, I know this isn’t helping either of us. Most of all, you. I can’t be selfish like this, making it harder than it already is. I don’t want it to seem like I’m jerking you around at all.”_

_“You’re not.” Okay, he kind of was but Jared was really not complaining at all. He really was just glad to hear Jensen’s voice after all that radio silence. He’d been kept informed of course, by Chris and Mackenzie, on how Jensen was doing but that wasn’t enough. For weeks he had wanted to hear from Jensen himself and now he was and he wasn’t about to let Jensen think it was a mistake. Who knew when he would get the chance to talk to him again?_

_He takes a deep breath, speaking once more when it is obvious that Jensen isn’t going to. “Look Jen, I know what you said; I know it’s over between us, but I want you to know that I am not going to give up.” He knows this was probably the last thing Jensen wants to hear and the conversation could be over real fast with the direction Jared is taking it in but he has to say it. Jensen needs to know. “I’m giving you the space you need; I’m not pushing myself on you. But, just know, I’m going to be here when you’re ready.”_

_“I can’t ask you to do that Jay. I can’t make you any promises, and who knows how long you could be left waiting, I can’t let you do that.”_

_Jared smiles at this, not happy but not sad either, just a little knowing smile because he had known to expect that response from Jensen. “You’re not asking me to do anything Jen, this is my own decision and you can’t change my mind about it. I’m willing to wait however long you need me to. You mean too much to me to just give up like that.”_

_“I…” Jensen falls silent and Jared knows he is deep in thought right now. Jared does his best to wait patiently, not to say anything more because he has said what he’d wanted to say and he doesn’t want it to seem like he is pushing too hard._

_“I have to go.” Jensen finally speaks, saying a quick goodbye and hanging up before Jared has a chance to respond at all._

_Jared isn’t encouraged by the abrupt end of the phone call but at the same time he’s feeling lighter. He had told Jensen what he had wanted him to know, Jensen knows where he stands, so the ball is in his court now. The wait would kill Jared, he knew this, but he would wait however long he had to. He just hopes Jensen will eventually meet him at that halfway mark, and not just to tell him that he doesn’t want to be with him anymore._

_If it came to that Jared would respect his decision, it would hurt but he wouldn’t push Jensen for anything that he didn’t want, but he hopes things work out in his favor in the end. But, if nothing else, he hopes they can at least be friends once more._

 

That had been months ago and with each day that passed and still no word from Jensen was another day he was beginning to lose hope. It was hard to hold his head up and stay positive when he hadn’t been given even an inch to cling to. He did his best though, despite the despondency he was falling into. Each day for him was the same, a routine he had fallen into just to make it through the day without falling into depression. He felt empty and, at times, joyless, like he was just going through the motions.

He knew his friends hated seeing him this way but he figured it could be worse. At least he hasn’t holed himself up in his room, refusing to see anyone or keep himself moving forward. He is doing the best he can regardless of the situation and how badly he just wants to shut himself off from the world.

_Things could be worse_ , he thinks to himself as he spies Chad’s Land Rover pulling into the student parking lot to pick him up. _Just taking it one day at a time._

**:0Ж0:**

“Is it possible to die from boredom? Cause if it is I am this close to death right now!” Sophia exclaims as she puts her thumb and index fingers extremely close to touching to show how close to ‘dying’ she is.

Jared just smiles an exasperated smile but doesn’t comment. Truth is, he’s pretty bored himself but unlike her he doesn’t feel like doing anything about it. He knows she likely will want to go out and do something but he just doesn’t have it in him, and hasn’t for a while now. He realizes he can’t put it off forever, going out and spending time with his friends is something he hasn’t done since he returned to California and they will only let him get away with it for so long before they put their foot down and drag him out of his dorm room.

“We should do something,” Chad pipes up from where he’s sprawled lazily on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with an equally bored expression on his face.

“We could go see a movie,” Sophia suggests, looking back and forth between the two guys in the room. Jared scrunches up his nose though and gives a shake of his head. She rolls her eyes in response and appears to be thinking again. “How about… yeah I got nothing.”

Jared nearly chuckles at the pout she’s sporting but just shakes his head and looks away, getting relaxed against the wall where he’s leaning. The radio is playing some song he doesn’t recognize and doesn’t really like but he focuses on it for a while just for something to do, to keep his mind on.

“Ooh, I know, we should throw a party.” Chad sits up quickly; eyes wide like he’s just come up with the most awesome plan ever and everyone should call him a genius. Jared however just raises an eyebrow, clearly not impressed, and the smile on his best friend’s face slips into a scowl. “Dude, you can’t sit in your room like a bum forever. A party is a great idea; you’re in serious need of some fun.”

“Hate to agree with him Jare but he’s right,” Sophia says as she looks to him with a gentle expression on her face. “Maybe a night away from your thoughts would do you some good. You don’t necessarily have to get shit-faced like this idiot here.” Chad scoffs and gives his girlfriend an offended look when she carelessly points in his direction. Sophia ignores him in favor of keeping her eyes on Jared. “But getting out and being around your friends would do you good babe. We can keep it simple, just the close friends, nothing big. Whatcha say?”

Jared wants to turn it down and say no he doesn’t feel like partying, large or otherwise, but one look at Sophia and he knows he’s going to give in. Not just because she’s giving him those puppy dog eyes but because he doesn’t want to disappoint them yet again by turning down another attempt to get him out. He knows they are worried about him, want to help him in any way they can, and he figures he can humor them a little. Besides, these are his friends; one night with them isn’t going to kill him.

**:0Ж0:**

“Tell me why I agreed to do this again?” Jared asks for what is probably the third or fourth time since walking through the door, glancing around the room warily.

“Because you’re a pushover?” Chad suggests as he sidles up next to him, passing a beer with a shit-eating grin on his face that has Jared rolling his eyes but taking the Dixie cup regardless.

Sophia jabs him in the ribs with a scowl and Jared has to fight a laugh when Chad gives her a wounded look. “It’s because your friends love you and have missed spending time with you Jare. What’s so wrong with that?” She smiles as she nudges his side, trying to get him to lighten up and just enjoy himself for once.

He figures it won’t be that easy all things considered but he appreciates the effort. The party is a bit larger than he was led to believe it was going to be but he knows he’s being kind of a spoilsport about the whole thing. It honestly isn’t that bad of a party, people aren’t getting shit-faced like they’re known to do at Chad’s parties, the music playing is decent and actually, it’s all pretty low key and laid back. Why he is complaining, he doesn’t know. Normally, he wouldn’t, especially with a party as comfortable as this one.

_You miss Jen_ , his mind supplies helpfully and he uses his drink to hide the frown on his lips.

He knew Jensen wouldn’t want him to be like this though, wouldn’t want him to stop living his life. _Who the fuck cares what he wants? He clearly doesn’t care about what you want_ , a voice full of resentment and spite speaks up and Jared quickly pushes it down. He doesn’t want to be upset with Jensen, especially because deep down he understands why Jensen did what he did. He isn’t happy about any of this, at times he doesn’t even think it’s fair, but he knows Jensen is going through a tough time and Jared needs to be understanding. In the meantime, he’ll just do what he can to get through the days, and hope that Jensen eventually comes around.

As the days go by however, it is hard to keep a hold of that hope.

“Stop thinking so hard! We’re at a party, last thing you should be doing is _thinking_!” Mike says this like it’s the most horrible thing you could possibly do and all Jared can do is smile. He’s grateful for the distraction, he’s been lost in his head too often these days, so it’s nice when he can get out.

“Heaven forbid I dared to think, how rude of me!” Jared replies sarcastically but inside he’s smiling like a loon. Why he stayed away from his friends so long he is beginning to wonder himself. They can always manage to bring a smile to his face, keep him entertained even with just mindless banter.

“Exactly, but it’s okay, you’re forgiven so long as you get the hell outta your head and focus more on me. I’m more interesting than anything going on in that head of yours.” Mike gives a wink and a smarmy grin but Jared knows he is just goofing off, trying to get Jared to join in with the banter and enjoy himself. Again, he appreciates the effort.

“Why don’t you go make Tom pay attention to you, I might scare myself if I try to focus on you for too long.” Jared anticipates the punch to the shoulder and quickly moves out of the way with a laugh, his beer sloshing over the side of his cup a bit.

“Bitch,” Mike mutters but there’s a smile pulling at his lips.

Jared escapes his three friends to go wash his hand and tries to make it through the crowd without anyone bumping into him; he really didn’t feel like wearing what was left in his cup.

Eventually he makes it to the kitchen without any unfortunate incidents and sets his cup on the counter while he washes his hands in the sink. He is in the process of drying his hands on a paper towel when Chad wanders in, apparently in search of him. Jared expects Chad to start in again, being the idiot he usually is when throwing a party, but he is taken by surprise by the oddly serious expression on his friend’s face.

_I’m not gonna like this, am I?_ He sighs to himself as he looks to his friend but Chad isn’t meeting his eyes, opting instead to look at the wall or his cup of beer.

“Look man, I’m not trying to be put a damper on the evening or anything by bringing this up but I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Jensen at all?” Chad eventually asks but he still isn’t looking at Jared.

Jared sucks in a breath, quite surprised that Chad of all people would be asking this question. This isn’t a surprise because he thinks Chad is an ass who wouldn’t care, but while he and Jensen are friends, they haven’t been as close as the rest of their friends. It does bring a bit of a smile to his face though, knowing that Chad even cares to ask, not just to give Jared someone to talk to about it but because he honestly wants to know. _I bet Jen would love to hear this_ , he thinks with that small smile still playing on his face before it eventually drops away.

“He hasn’t contacted me at all,” he says with a heavy sigh, picking up his beer again and taking a hefty swallow. “I wish he would, just to let me know how he’s doing, you know. An update would be appreciated at this point.” He doesn’t mention that Chris or Steve probably would know, that’s usually who Jared gets his information from, but it really just goes without saying. Though, even they have heard less and less from Jensen these days unless they outright call him themselves.

Chad nods his head, looking a bit angry for a brief moment but it slips away with a shake of his head. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, and I know I’m probably the last person you’d want to talk to about that, but I’m here if you ever decide to.” He finally looks to Jared, making sure he sees how serious he is, and then looks away again. “Funny enough but I miss the jerk.” This is said with actual fondness and already Jared feels he has slipped into the twilight zone. Since when did _Chad_ ever admit to missing people aside from Sophia?

Jared closes his eyes, a sad smile forming on his lips. “So do I.”

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen wakes up to the sun shining on his face through the parted curtains on the window and the smell of laundry detergent filling his nostrils from where his nose is buried in the softness of his pillow. He lets out a silent yawn, stifled by the palm of his hand, as he rolls over in bed, away from the offending light shining right in his eyes.

He lies there for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He only just woke up but already he is alert, his mind bringing familiar thoughts that he’s fought so damn hard to push to the back of his mind for months. It is in these moments, the early hours of the morning and right before he lays down to sleep that he can’t fight off the thoughts. It frustrates him just as much as he knows he needs it, the reminder of where he is and what he’s living without.

A troubled expression comes to his face as he stares at the ceiling. It has been months that he’s been staying here with his parents, months since he’s so much as talked to Jared much less laid eyes on the guy. Despite the time, the space he asked for, he knows the feeling clawing at his gut. It’s loneliness, pure and simple as that but excruciating when he can’t ignore it.

He misses Jared more than he ever thought he could miss a person and there’s times he wonders how he ever managed without the shaggy haired hazel eyed man that he fell completely in love with. He and Jared haven’t had it easy from the start, seemed something was always stacking up against them, pulling them apart, but despite all that Jensen needs him.

He doesn’t regret putting this space between them, he honestly feels he was no good for Jared in the state he’d been in, is still fighting his way out of. He needed to learn to live with himself, with the insecurities and fears that plagued him, before he could be what Jared needs him to be.

He knew Jared wanted to be there for him, be there with him, but he knew he needed to find his own two feet again by himself. He needed to learn to be strong again, to focus on getting his life back in order before he could worry about their relationship.

“What relationship?” He asks aloud, a bit of hysteria in his tone as he laughs into the emptiness of the room. He’d broken up with Jared, ended their relationship, and despite Jared’s words about waiting for him, Jensen wasn’t sure Jared would wait as long as Jensen has made him. It’s been too long, he couldn’t possibly expect Jared to have waited this long.

The thought stings, hurts so bad that for a moment he feels like he can’t draw in a breath. He still loves Jared as much as he ever did, but even now, if he can’t have anything else he just wants to be Jared’s friend again. He can’t lose him completely, he just can’t. But at this point, with no contact whatsoever, he’s not sure that he hasn’t lost him already.

“It was what was needed to be done,” he tells himself firmly as he sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, wincing slightly as he does. His leg has gotten better, no longer confined in a cast, but there are still moments of pain and the tightness he feels can be very uncomfortable. He isn’t complaining though, it is better than the doctors had originally thought it would be. He figured he had to be grateful for that much. _Not to mention you’re still alive_ , he reminds himself internally, can’t forget he’s just lucky to even be alive. So, in the long run, things could be a lot worse for him.

**:0Ж0:**

The television is currently set to a repeat of That 70’s Show but Jensen isn’t really watching it. His mind is on other things, having drifted away from the episode like it usually does these days. He doesn’t like to let himself think too much about things but for the most part he just can’t help it. He is on his way to putting this whole ordeal behind him but of course he still has a long way to go. The road to recovery has been a long, tiring and often, frustrating one. He is making progress though, no matter how hard it has been for him.

He finally gives up the guise of watching television and turns it off, pushing up from the couch. He steps outside onto the back porch, breathing in the cool, fresh air. He moves to take a seat on the patio chair, propping his leg up on the other. It has been bothering him today, stiff and achy, but not too bad. He is slowly growing accustomed to it doing this, was told certain weather temperatures would affect it.

He sits there, just like that, for a few long moments. Just staring off into the distance beyond the backyard, lost to his thoughts, but content. The last few months have been tough on him but he believes he has trudged through it all and managed to come out on the other side. The physical therapy he had to endure was painful and tiring but he is passed that now and glad to be. Aside from the limp no one would even know what he had been through just by looking at him and that makes him feel a whole lot better.

The emotional aspect of his recovery was possibly the hardest part for him to bear. His moods were all over the place for a while there; nearly slipping into a deep depression he had been afraid he might not be able to draw himself out of. That was a dark time for him, constantly feeling lower than he ever had before, not wanting to eat or talk to anyone, wanting to lie around and just be left to himself. It had been bad but his psychologist helped him through it, and whether she knows it or not, Mackenzie had been the biggest help. No matter the funk he had found himself in, when around his sister, he found it nearly impossible to be in a bad mood and she was able to get him to talk when no one else could. He owes a lot to her.

As for the trial… well, in the end all of Jensen's worrying and obsessing over having to go to trial, to sit on that witness stand and recount the events that night, all of that became a moot point when his lawyer called a few weeks ago.

Hearing that Scott and Andrew pleaded guilty was an immense relief to Jensen, knowing he wouldn't have to testify, just give his testimony to his lawyer. He'd been so scared and now all that worrying was for nothing. He felt like he could breathe a little easier, give his racing heart a break, and it felt damn good.

With the witnesses from that night, the bloody 2x4 found in Scott's truck and the DNA collected from beneath Jensen's fingernails and on his clothes, they had enough evidence stacked against the two men to put them away for a long time, pleading guilty really was their only option.

Mr. Turner, Jensen's lawyer, explained what would happen from there. He'd get together with the defense lawyer to discuss a plea bargain and if they could come to an agreement on a proper sentence than Jensen wouldn't have to worry about the case going to trial. Of course, if Scott or Andrew decline and opt to go to trial than Jensen will have to appear in court but Mr. Turner sounded confident that wouldn't happen so for the time being Jensen isn't going to let it worry him.

The case they have against Andrew and Scott is solid, the evidence speaks for itself, and his lawyer doesn’t believe they have anything to worry about. The two guys are certain to do prison time, but how much is anyone’s guess at this point. Jensen hopes the punishment will fit the crime, he hopes he gets the justice he deserves.

“There you go again, thinking way too hard.”

Jensen startles out of his thoughts, bringing wide eyes over to his sister. When she got there and had the time to sit down without him noticing he doesn’t know. He supposes he really was lost in his thoughts this time. He shakes his head and smiles. “Not much else to do, I got bored with TV.”

“Or you were just thinking too hard that you couldn’t focus on it,” she replies knowingly, smiling at him teasingly but kind.

Jensen chuckles and decides it would be pointless to deny it. “Okay fine but what I’d been watching was an episode I’ve already seen so I was pretty bored anyway.”

Mackenzie nods and leans back in her seat, pushing a glass of lemonade in his direction. He smiles his thanks and grabs it, taking a drink, closing his eyes as the cool liquid soothes his dry throat. “So, what were you thinking about anyway?”

Jensen opens his eyes once more, turning to look at his sister before looking away again. “Not one thing in particular, kind of everything at once.” He explains even though he knows it isn’t much of an explanation. “Mostly the progress I’ve made, how I’m doing now compared to how I was before. Stuff like that.”

She nods again, smiling this time, and Jensen would almost say she looks proud. “You’ve come a long way Jen, in the amount of time it’s been, I think you’ve done great so far. I know you still have your moments and you’re still working on it, but I think you’re doing awesome. I always knew you were strong, never doubted that.” She smiles again, reaching out to squeeze his forearm gently.

Jensen nearly snorts at that because he hasn’t felt all that strong since he woke up from his coma, and if he’s honest, since the night he got his ass kicked by two homophobes. He has struggled, no doubt about that, but it is nice to hear that his sister thinks he is so strong. He isn’t quite convinced that she’s right about that, but it is nice to hear all the same.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen sits awkwardly in the lobby of his psychologist’s office, eyes darting around the empty space. No matter how many times he has come here he still hasn’t gotten over the uncomfortable feeling he gets from it every time. He is doing better with it, has opened up quite a lot once he got to know Dr. Johnson better.

The man was surprisingly easy to talk to, made Jensen feel comfortable enough with him to even be willing to share personal details about himself and the attack. When he first came here he didn’t think he would have the courage to speak up and talk about everything that was bothering him but after a couple of sessions he found himself speaking more and more.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel uncomfortable at the beginning of each session though. And while he knows the receptionist or anyone waiting in the lobby isn’t judging him for seeing a psychologist he can’t help feeling awkward when their eyes happen to catch his. But he supposes everyone feels that way when going to see a head shrink.

“Jensen.”

He looks up to find Dr. Johnson standing in the doorway of his office, smiling genuinely at Jensen and motioning him into the room. Jensen takes a breath and stands, keeping his head high as he walks even though the urge to stare at the carpet is strong. He has only recently overcome that particular obstacle.

Ever since the cast was taken off of his leg he has walked with a noticeable limp, one his doctor informed him would stay with him for the rest of his life. To Jensen it is an embarrassing reminder of what happened to him. The doctor had hoped it wouldn’t happen but Jensen’s leg had been broken pretty badly and never did heal the way it should have. However, the doctor also told him it could have been worse so Jensen always reminds himself to be thankful he still has the ability to walk on that leg.

Jensen walks over to the now familiar chair and settles himself down, glancing around the office as Dr. Johnson takes a seat adjacent to him. He has been in this office so many times, has seen every single item in here, and still he looks around it every time he is here simply so he doesn’t have to meet his psychologist’s eyes.

The mere idea of seeing a psychologist has gotten easier for him over time but he still finds it tough to get the conversation started. He doesn’t usually know where to start but thankfully he doesn’t have to. Dr. Johnson already knows he has to prod at Jensen before he will actually start to open up, though these days he doesn’t have to prod very much.

“You’re looking better from the last time we saw each other.” He comments as he lays his notepad on his lap and looks Jensen over with a smile. “How are you doing these days?”

Jensen fidgets slightly and considers the question. “I suppose I’m doing better than I was when I first started seeing you.”

Dr. Johnson nods his agreement. “You’re doing a lot better I would say, it is nice to see things are steadily looking up for you,” he says kindly and Jensen can tell his words are honest. “How about what we spoke about in our last session? How are you handling that?”

Jensen sucks in a breath, not sure he wants to get into that just yet. It’s a common subject for them, every session they touch the topic at some point, but it is usually closer to the end of the session, not the start. Jensen needs more time before he’s comfortable enough to talk about it. He still has the nightmares of course, but thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be. That was probably one of the hardest parts about all of this, aside from the pain he’d endured.

Some of the nightmares were just repeats of the attack, haunting him in his dreams. He never likes thinking about it but his dreams were the one place he could never escape it. Reliving the whole thing over and over each night, feeling the pain and terror, seeing those sneering faces as they yelled at him and showed him just how disgusted they were.

Those dreams were bad enough but when the nightmares changed and instead of him being the victim it was Jared, that was when it got worse for him. He would wake up in a cold sweat, a scream still on his lips with an urgent need to call Jared, just to hear his voice and know that he was safe. He never gave in to that need because he knew Jared was fine but, each time, it was always there and it was a struggle not to pick up the phone.

Dr. Johnson tilts his head when Jensen meets his eyes, silently pleading for him to drop the subject, just for now. He seems to understand, smiling softly and giving a brief nod of his head. “How about this, how about we talk about your relationships? Are things improving for you at home?”

Jensen releases the breath he had been holding, relaxing a bit once more, grateful for the change in subject. This is one he can talk about without feeling uncomfortable. “There’s no more awkwardness between me and my parents now. Things had been strained for a while, they didn’t know how to talk to me and I was… well I was frustrated all of the time.”

“I remember you said it was as though they were walking on eggshells around you and that was what bothered you the most. I’m assuming that has passed?”

Jensen nods before speaking. “It’s comfortable in the house now, no more awkward conversations or having to think before speaking in fear of saying something we might regret or shouldn’t say. It’s starting to feel more like it did when I was a kid, which is nice.”

He has to smile as he says this, his relationship with his parents was one of the things he had wanted to work on the most and he was glad to see things were finally going back to normal. “So yeah, I would say things have improved a lot. I’ve forgiven them for how they treated me and mostly I’m just happy to have them in my life again, knowing they love me no matter what and support me.”

“It’s good to know your home life has improved, that’s a crucial step in your recovery,” Dr. Johnson says as he writes something down in his notepad and then draws his eyes back to Jensen. “And how about Jared? Are you feeling up to talking about Jared today?”

Jensen looks down at his lap but nods his head nonetheless. Talking about Jared is hard but he knows it’s necessary, and it is a subject Dr. Johnson makes a point to bring up each session. Deep down Jensen knows it is an important subject, wouldn’t be so tough to talk about if it wasn’t, but each time they do it gets a little easier, just like everything else.

“I still haven’t spoken to him,” he responds quietly, still looking down at his lap.

“I see, and can you tell me why that is?”

At first Jensen nearly shrugs but quickly aborts the movement, knowing he has to talk about this and shrugging isn’t going to make the subject go away. “Every day I tell myself, this is the day I’ll reach out to him, even just to say hi. But I only find myself staring at the phone, unable to dial his number. I want to but I’m…”

Dr. Johnson gives Jensen a moment to finish that sentence but when he doesn’t he fills in the blanks for him. “Afraid he won’t want to hear from you after so much time has passed?”

Jensen finally lifts his eyes and gives a nod of his head, eyebrows creased in a frown. “What if I’ve let it go for too long? I know he said he would wait but I haven’t given him any reason to or gave him any indication that I wanted him to. I knew he never truly understood why I broke up with him, likely blamed himself because of the fight we’d had that night. But that wasn’t it; I just… my head was messed up at that time. I didn’t feel like I deserved him or was good enough for him anymore. I never broke up with him because of anything he did, I just felt I wasn’t any good for him with the state I was in and needed time to focus on myself, to get better and learn how to live with myself.”

Jensen shuts up when he realizes he had gone into a rant and this whole time Dr. Johnson hadn’t said a word, was just looking at Jensen intently as he listened to every word that poured out of his mouth. He felt his cheeks flame up, embarrassed but also feeling better now that he got those thoughts out in the open.

Dr. Johnson makes a humming sound after a moment, looking comfortable in his light brown chair but the expression on his face is calculating as he looks at Jensen. “And how do you feel now? Do you still feel you’re not good enough for him, that you don’t deserve him?”

Jensen blinks and looks away, chewing at the inside of his cheek because that’s the question right there. Does he feel good enough for Jared now? Sometimes he feels that he might but there are also moments, when his self esteem is so low, that he really doesn’t feel he will ever be good enough for him again.

He is slowly getting better; talking to Dr. Johnson has shown him that not everyone is looking out to hurt him for loving a man, that what happened to him was unfortunate, not uncommon of course, but also not something he should live in fear of. Deep down Jensen has always known that, but the fear that has controlled his life since the attack had a strong hold on him back then.

He is doing better though, he still has his moments of fear but the thought of holding Jared’s hand in public or kissing him doesn’t terrify Jensen as much as it once had. It still scares him, he’s still paranoid, but not as much as he had been. When it comes right down to actually doing that he doesn’t know how he will react, will likely have his moments of panic, but Dr. Johnson has assured him that given time that will eventually fade once he overcomes the fear of it. Jensen holds onto that fact like a lifeline, wishing he was at that point now because he is tired of living in fear, but knowing that things will get better gives him hope.

“Alright,” Dr. Johnson says while Jensen is lost to his thoughts, assuming Jensen doesn’t want to answer. “Here’s another question. Do you feel you are ready to give your relationship another chance if Jared is willing?”

Jensen lifts his eyes to his psychologist, a warm feeling filling his chest.


	29. Coming Back to You

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Eight:**  
 _Coming Back to You_  
-~*~-

The heat of Los Angeles hits him in the face the moment he steps out of the car but it’s welcomed. It just feels so good to be back in California, in the same state as Jared, after all this time. The time spent apart without much communication leaves Jensen feeling nervous but there’s also anticipation building in his gut and the feeling is good as well.

He is hoping his presence will be well received, that Jared will be happy to see him, but he’s not expecting anything. He knows Jared will likely be upset with him and he won’t blame him if he is, he knows he deserves it. But he is ready to face whatever awaits him as far as Jared is concerned, and his friends as well, who he has neglected for far too long.

_I haven’t been a very good friend to any of them lately_ , he acknowledges solemnly, vowing to try his best to make amends as soon as possible.

The walk to the dorm rooms is longer than he remembers it to be, his newly acquired limp making the trudge down the hallways different and leaving him feeling a bit self-conscious. He has had time to get used to it, the few times he went into town back home, but it’s still new and he’s trying to get used to it.

“Stop worrying, no one’s looking at you like you’re some freak show,” Josh speaks up from beside him and Jensen sends him a grateful smile and nods his head.

“I know that, deep down, it’s just hard for my brain to process it sometimes. It’s so noticeable to me that it’s hard to believe it’s not the first thing people see,” he admits with a slight shrug, knowing he’s probably being ridiculous but not really able to help it.

“You only notice it so much ‘cause you’re so insecure about it, but trust me Jen, it’s not _that_ noticeable.”

Jensen knows his brother is downplaying it a bit, it _is_ noticeable, just maybe not as much as Jensen believes it to be. Anyone that knows him will likely take notice to it right away, but when he gives himself a second to think about it he knows his friends won’t look upon him with judgment and that makes him feel a little better. _I just don’t want any pity either._

Before long they are standing in front of Jensen’s dorm room and Jensen lets them in, Josh carrying most of Jensen’s luggage. Will looks up the moment Jensen’s steps into the room and quickly rises to his feet, moving to help Josh. “How was the ride in?” He directs this question to Jensen who is dropping what little he had in his arms down onto his bed.

“Uncomfortable at times but not as bad as I was expecting,” he answers with a smile as he moves to sit down, opting to lie back at the last minute, sighing when his body is finally able to relax.

“That’s good…” Will trails off, looking as though he wants to say something more but is unable to think of anything.

Jensen sighs with a shake of his head. “It’s okay Will, just ask.”

His roommate seems relieved to have been given permission, the expression on his face saying it all. “How are you doing? When I heard what happened… I just couldn’t believe it. I would have called, checked in on you, but I didn’t know how to reach you.”

Jensen smiles a bit as he pushes himself into a seated position. He and Will never really had the time to hang out and get to know each other properly but even despite that they did have enough time to get comfortable with one another, enough to even forge somewhat of a friendship. It’s nice to know even his roommate had wondered how he was doing and even had thought to get in touch with him. He might not know Will as well as he should, considering they’re roommates, but he knows the guy is a nice person and someone he could be good friends with given enough time.

“I’m doing better than I was, have made progress…” he isn’t quite sure what else to say, how much he’s willing to reveal, but Will seems placated by this answer and Jensen figures that’s all he really needs to know. Maybe one day he’ll give more details, maybe he won’t, but for now this is enough. “It’s just good to be back here, to be ready to get back to my life.”

“It’s good to have you back, it’s been weird here without you.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow at this. “Don’t you spend most of your time at Bethany’s anyway?”

“Yeah but you know what I mean,” Will waves his hand dismissively, rolling his eyes and getting a grin from Jensen.

“Given the fact that my brother has no manners I guess I’m just gonna have to introduce myself,” Josh pushes himself into the conversation, sending a playful glare Jensen’s way before holding his hand out to Will. “I’m Josh.”

This gets a snickering laugh from his roommate, who shakes Josh’s hand with a friendly smile lighting his amused face. “Cool to meet ya Josh, I’m your brother’s roommate, Will.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Josh responds in kind, briefly shaking his hand before stepping back and taking a seat on Jensen’s desk chair. “Either of you hungry? I’ve been driving for hours and have worked up an appetite, plus it’d be nice to spend a bit more time with you before I have to head back home.”

“There’s a Denny’s just a couple of blocks from here, we could go there if that’s cool with you. I’m craving eggs and hash browns.” Jensen replies as he rises to his feet and makes sure he has his keys and wallet on hand.

“I don’t care where we go as long as the food is good,” Josh answers as he climbs to his feet once more and looks at Will. “You’re more than welcome to join us, would be nice to get to know you a little bit.”

“Sounds good, I’ve got nowhere I need to be until later this afternoon,” Will says as they walk to the door and head out.

As Jensen shuts and locks the door behind him, he makes a mental note to get in touch with his friends as soon as he gets back, to let them know he’s back in town and hoping they’d like to get together sometime. A little paranoid part inside is scared they won’t want to hear from him, will be mad at him for cutting off contact with him, but he knows he can’t avoid them forever. He doesn’t want to. He’s missed his friends so badly, he just hopes they still want to be his friend after everything he’s done, not just to them but to Jared as well.

He knows he’s probably being ridiculous but it’s an irrational fear he hasn’t been able to shake, despite the many reassurances from Dr. Johnson. He just hates the thought of them being upset with him. But the thought of approaching Jared, talking to him face to face after all this time, is far more terrifying and that’s not something he’s going to put off. He plans to track Jared down today, the first chance he gets, and making that first step to reaching out to him. He can only hope he won’t be turned away.

**:0Ж0:**

Right after his lunch with Will and his brother, Jensen saw Josh off, hugging him extra tight and silently wishing his brother hadn’t needed to leave so soon. Josh had promised to call often though and come back down to visit as soon as he could and that had to be enough for Jensen.

Immediately after Josh left Jensen returned to his room and called Sophia, not wanting to let himself put it off any longer than necessary. Now he sat on his bed with Sophia sitting on his desk chair and Chad standing, looking for all the world like he didn’t know how to act. Jensen wasn’t sure what his friends were thinking, couldn’t judge it based on the blank looks on their faces but he did his best to smile and tell them he’s missed them.

“You could have called,” Sophia finally speaks after a long silence, looking at him almost accusingly and it makes Jensen feel like a heel. “We’re your friends Jen, we love you, an update now and then would have been appreciated.”

Jensen bites down on his lip hard. He’d known this conversation wouldn’t be easy though, knew he had a lot of making up to do. “I’ve been a bad friend, I know that, and I’m sorry for not calling. I don’t really have a good excuse for cutting you all off the way I did. I just… I wasn’t in a good state of mind back then, and I was selfish, too self absorbed to think about anyone else’s feelings.”

“Look, Jen, I’m not trying to put any blame on you or make you feel guilty. Lord knows you had enough to deal with after…” Sophia can’t seem to bring herself to say the word and in the end decides not to, visibly swallowing hard before continuing. “I’m just saying we missed you, that we’ve been worried sick about you. I’m glad you’re back and you seem to be doing okay. You are, right? You’re doing better?”

“I still feel bad about how I went about things with you guys, I didn’t mean to pull away from anyone, but yeah I am doing better now. I… well, I still have a long ways to go before I let go and move on from what happened but I’m doing much better than I was at the beginning of the year.” He looks up to find Sophia watching him with hopeful eyes, relief shinning through when his words register. “I’ve missed everyone so much, didn’t truly realize how much until the prospect of coming home came up.”

“We’re just glad you’re home.” Sophia gives a genuine smile as she rises to her feet and crosses the space between them to pull him into a hug. “Expect to be smothered for the next few days.”

Jensen laughs quietly at that and just nods his head. He hadn’t been sure how his friends would react but he’s glad to see things have been mended with Sophia. “I, uh, I need to see Jared. Do either of you know where he is?” He asks once Sophia lets him go and he moves to stand up.

“Where Jared’s always at, ever since he came back from Texas,” Chad finally breaks his silence. He’d been oddly quiet since he walked into the room, which is just strange behavior for him. The look he sends Jensen tells him the blonde isn’t altogether happy with him though and, considering Jared’s his best friend, Jensen can easily understand why. “He’s at Providence Books, working his ass off to keep his mind off of you.”

“Chad!” Sophia speaks up, warningly, but Jensen just holds up his hand.

“No Soph, it’s okay, he’s right. I haven’t done right by Jared either, and I’m gonna try my damnedest to fix things with him. That may not be easy but I’ve gotta try. He deserves an explanation, as well as an apology.”

Chad stares at him for a long moment, seemingly trying to judge his sincerity. He must like whatever he sees displayed on Jensen’s face, however, because the expression on his face morphs into something softer and the tiniest hint of a smile is pulling at the corner of his lips. He gives a nod of his head a second later and breaches the space between them, pulling Jensen in an embrace.

The move is unexpected and leaves Jensen in a bit of a state of shock. Chad isn’t exactly the type to initiate hugs much less full on embraces like this one, he’s more of a one armed hug kind of guy, so it takes Jensen a moment to reciprocate.

“I’m really glad you’re okay dude. Can honestly say you scared the shit out of me,” Chad’s whispered confession hits Jensen’s ear, leaving him a bit choked up with emotion. He hugs his friend just a bit tighter to show his appreciation before releasing him and taking a small step back, small smile fixed on his face. “I’m not gonna give you a hard time about anything, all I’m gonna say is you get your ass down to that book store and fix things with my boy, he’s a mess without you.”

“I’m certainly gonna do my best,” is Jensen’s grinning response.

**:0Ж0:**

Pulling up to the curb outside of Providence Books, Jensen pays the fare and steps out of the taxi. Staring into the building from the windows outside he can easily make out Jared standing by the front registers of the coffee shop area, head down and turned slightly away, though Jensen can see his features quite clearly.

Chad hadn’t been kidding, there are some noticeable differences about Jared that are hard to miss. He is normally the happy-go-lucky type, with a smile always one his face, goofing off with his fellow co-workers and filled with enthusiasm. Now, however, he’s subdued and looks as though the weight of the world rests upon his shoulders.

It is such a foreign sight to Jensen that it leaves him feeling uncomfortable, a painful tightening in his stomach. He just can’t believe he’s the cause of this, for Jared looking so miserable. It’d been easy back in Texas to think that Jared was handling this alright, maybe not with ease, but with the help of their friends Jensen had been sure Jared wouldn’t be dwelling on it too much.

_You should’ve known better_ , a tiny voice speaks up and deep down he’d known he’d been fooling himself. He wanted to believe Jared was okay, just so it’d be easier on himself, less guilt that way. It hadn’t exactly worked anyway, he’d been guilt ridden the whole time he was separated from the shaggy haired man.

Just seeing him now, having him within reach, is like a balm to a wound he hadn’t realized was there. Jared may not be looking his best, and it makes him feel a little bad for putting the younger man through this, but that doesn’t matter. He is still so damn relieved to see Jared again, is allowing himself to feel just how much he’s missed him. He can’t begin to understand how he could have possibly stayed away as long as he did.

Taking a deep breath, to both calm his nerves and build up some courage, Jensen reaches out for the door handle and steps inside the air-conditioned shop. Jared doesn’t look up at the bell, signaling a customer, and Jensen’s sort of grateful for that. He’s a little nervous about how Jared will react when he sees him. There’s bound to be some discomfort and tension. He’s not looking forward to that but he also knows they can’t avoid it.

He stops just a few steps into the building, unable to get his legs to move another step. Now that he’s here he realizes he hadn’t been prepared, didn’t think about what he was going to say the moment they were standing face to face. What can he possibly say to Jared now after all this time of separation, all the hurt he caused. What if things are broken beyond repair? What will he do then?

**:0Ж0:**

Jared starts off the day just as he’s done for the past however many months since he’s been back in California. The days blend together, and if it weren’t for his work schedule and classes he wouldn’t be too sure how many months has passed since he last saw or heard from Jensen.

He attends his classes in the morning, getting through them with only a portion of the attention he should be giving them. Then he heads off to work for his shift, getting lost in his tasks and not giving himself too much time to think.

Each day passes by in much the same fashion, with random visits with his friends thrown into the mix. It’s not ideal but he’s managing and that’s the whole point. Right now he needs distractions, needs to keep himself moving otherwise his mind will wander to Jensen and the fact that he’s so utterly confused as to where he stands with him.

He knows Jensen said it was over between them but he’s not altogether sure that Jensen meant it. He realizes Jensen needed time and for whatever reason he needed that time spent away from Jared but whether that means their relationship is truly over? He doesn’t know. He just can’t help thinking that this can’t be the end, this can’t be the way things were meant to turn out. They haven’t had an easy relationship, he knows, but he believes they’re meant to be together and he just can’t bring himself to let go.

_How can I possibly let go when it feels like there’s so much left to hang on to?_ Moving on just doesn’t seem like an option to him, but biding his time until he talks to Jensen again is a better solution. At least in his mind, it is.

_I’m setting myself up to be let down_ , he internally realizes but is unaware of a way to stop.

“Do you think I should start looking for my own place?” The words fly out of his mouth before he even knew he was going to say them and Steve looks up from the notebook in front of him to look at Jared curiously.

“Why are you asking that? You know you’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay,” he says with a befuddled expression on his features. “We haven’t given you an impression otherwise, have we?”

Jared immediately shakes his head. “No it’s not what either of you have done or implied, I know you’d let me stay here, I was just thinking maybe it’s time I look into finding myself a place. I make good money, it’s not like I couldn’t find a place I could afford. You know, have my own space and whatnot.” He pauses in thought, hoping he hasn’t offended his friend, and then gives a shrug. “I just think it’d be nice to have my own place, is all.”

“If that’s what you want to do than you know I support you, but in the meantime you are more than welcome here. Take your time finding a place you like, there’s no rush.”

Jared smiles gratefully and gives a nod, knowing his friend is right but also thankful for the support. He knows it might take some time to find a decent place that he can afford if he just looks hard enough. That’s not to say he doesn’t like staying here with Chris and Steve, it’s nice having his friends there for company, but at the same time he’d like to find a more permanent solution. Because while he does feel comfortable here, he still feels like a guest and that’s gonna get old soon.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared brought a hand up to cover a yawn as he made his way into Providence Books, ready to get to work after his last class of the day. It probably wasn’t all that healthy, spending a large percentage of his time between classes and work, but it served as a nice distraction, something to keep him busy, so he took whatever shift he could.

Jensen wasn’t there like he had grown so accustomed to, his absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and that made focusing on his studies harder than he wanted it to be. A few weeks after returning to California, moping and struggling to find a balance in his life, Tom had suggested that maybe he needed to get himself out of his room and do something with himself.

He’d known his friend was right, between work and his school studies to focus on, any distraction he could get was appreciated at that point because he was missing Jensen awfully bad. He still was but keeping himself busy helped quite a bit.

“You look beat,” is Genevieve’s greeting when he reaches the back room, a small hole in the wall room that their boss liked to call the employee’s lounge. “Did you not sleep well at all last night?”

Jared rolls his eyes but the smile on his face is genuine, albeit amused. “I don’t get much sleep these days actually. You’d think my body would be used to the program by now.” He shakes his head with a soundless laugh and gives her a ‘what are you gonna do?’ shrug of his shoulders as he stores his things away, what little he brought with him anyway.

With a shake of her head, she gives him a slightly exasperated expression. “You keep that up and you’ll burn out real quick, just you wait and see.” She points at him with a mock-stern look on her face but even though she’s just teasing he knows that she is right. He really does need more sleep than he has been getting but that’s a lot easier said than done, it isn’t like he has a choice one way or the other.

“Well, it’s not like I choose not to get much sleep but thanks for the lecture Gen.” He gives her a grin to show he is just responding to her teasing. “What are you doing back here anyway? Shouldn’t you be making coffee? You know, your job.”

Genevieve raises a neatly plucked brow and rolls her eyes. “I swear, with how many times you tell me to get back to work one would assume you think you’re my boss or something.” She laughs a bit and jumps down for the table she’d been sitting on. He swears she must have an aversion to chairs or something because he never sees her actually use one, she usually opts for tables and counters.

“I don’t think you could handle having me as your boss ‘cause then you’d actually have to _work_!” He calls after her in good humor, laughing outwardly when she flips him off as she walks out of the room.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared’s afternoon shift passes by at a slow crawl but he doesn’t mind it all that much. The work here really isn’t all that hard and even if he hadn’t had to work today he likely would have ended up here at some point anyway. He comes here often just to pass the time, doing his best to get lost in a book rather than his own head. It is better that way, to focus on a good story rather than his life which, to him, seems to be in shambles.

And okay that might be rather melodramatic for him but still, his life isn’t the picture of happiness. His friends keep telling him that things could be worse but he’s failing to see how that could be possible. He has been in full on sulk-mode since Jensen broke up with him and it’s been tough to see the good in anything.

Jared sighs as he rises to his feet, knees popping as he stands up. He’s finished organizing the shelf of books and now he basically just has to make himself look busy if Jeff happens to pass by. Not that Jeff will be upset if he finds Jared standing around talking to Genevieve of course but even so Jeff makes it a point to tell everyone that he doesn’t pay them to stand around and look pretty, even when they don’t technically have anything to do around the store.

“Been kind of a slow day,” Jared remarks as he approaches the counter Genevieve’s standing behind, looking just as bored as he feels.

She gives him a raised eyebrow. “And this surprises you?” She asks almost incredulously and Jared has to admit she has a point. The quaint little shop may be holding its own but it mostly gets by on it’s loyal customers and the few random people, like Jared, who happen to come across it and get curious.

“You’re kind of right though, it’s been slower than normal,” she concedes with a quiet sigh. “I kind of wish it’d pick up a little, I’m bored as fuck!”

“I don’t know, I kind of like it,” he shrugs and ignores the sarcastic “You would,” he gets in response for it. “Wouldn’t mind if Jeff would give me something to do though, I’ve already organized everything and offered help to a few customers. Right now I’d even tackle sweeping just to keep moving.”

Genevieve nods sympathetically, she knows what it’s like when you have nothing to do, you tend to get lazy and tired.

“So hey, I was kind of curious about something,” she starts off casually but just from that sentence alone Jared can’t help but look at her suspiciously, cautious, because he gets the feeling nothing good is going to come from it. “I’ve got this friend, who’s single and looking to get back in the dating pool, and I was wondering if you’re in a relationship or not.”

Jared blinks, uncomfortable with the question because he isn’t quite sure how to answer. He’s not technically in a relationship but he is still holding out hope for him and Jensen, he isn’t about to go on a date with someone else. He wouldn’t even if he knew there was no chance of him getting back with Jensen, he’s just not ready for anything like that. But how does he put that to her without bringing up the whole Jensen situation?

Genevieve raises an eyebrow when he fails to respond and he knows he has to speak now before she gets any more curious. He clears his throat uncomfortably and shifts where he stands. “It’s complicated,” is the response he decides to go with and sighs inwardly when she rolls her eyes at him. He is thankful when she doesn’t press the issue though, like he’d feared she would.

“Alright, if you say so,” she shakes her head and looks over his shoulder for a moment before turning her eyes back to him, a playful grin forming on her face as she leans in. “Not sure if you’re into guys at all, though I’ve always kind of suspected you were, but you have an admirer behind you. He’s had his eyes on you ever since he walked through the door, and I gotta say he’s pretty easy on the eyes.” She motions with her head to look over his shoulder and while he doesn’t care if he’s being checked out by some guy right now, it’s curiosity that has him turning his head around.

His breath just kind of catches in his throat and lodges there. Timid green eyes flash up to meet his and just like that Jared can breathe again. A breathy whisper of Jensen’s name leaves his lips, gaining Genevieve’s attention, he can feel her curious stare burning a hole in the side of his head but he ignores her completely as he moves and doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of Jensen.

Jensen looks nervous as he raises his head to meet Jared’s eyes, seemingly unable to break eye contact any more than Jared can. He has to fight to urge to reach out and touch Jensen, just to be sure he’s there and not a cruel figment of his imagination. Instead he gestures to the table and chairs to the right of them, taking a seat and planting his hands firmly on the table. Jensen joins him a second later.

The silence drags on between them for a couple of seconds longer, neither of them knowing what to say to the other but unable to take their eyes off of one another either. Jared is still getting over the shock of seeing Jensen again, his brain doing its best to process the fact that he is actually there, sitting right across from him. For a while he was beginning to think Jensen would never come back to California, to him. But here he is and Jared can’t find his damn voice much less all the things he’d planned to say once he was face to face with Jensen again.

“I um, Chad told me where to find you,” Jensen speaks quietly and Jared is grateful that one of them could start the conversation. “I kept trying to think of a way to approach you but I was afraid you might not want to see me.”

Jared can’t help it, it is just such a ridiculous thought that he has to laugh. Jensen’s face falls at the sound though and Jared quickly calms himself, shaking his head. “Of course I would want to see you, Jen. Why the hell wouldn’t I?” He can’t help how incredulous he sounds but this time Jensen doesn’t take it as a bad sign.

Jensen looks down at the table, taking a deep breath as he fidgets in his seat. “It’s been months since I’ve talked to you, or tried to, so I… I don’t know, I thought you might be upset by that.” Jensen looks up at him again and Jared can clearly see the worry in his eyes. Despite the fact that Jared basically is happy to see him, Jensen still had doubt.

“Not going to lie and say it was easy for me, and there were days where I was angry at you, but I know you’ve been through a lot Jensen. Sure, seeing you again and hearing from you was something I really wanted, but the last thing I was going to do was be selfish. You had said you needed time and space and that’s what I told myself I’d give to you.” He doesn’t mention that his hope of seeing Jensen again diminished gradually each day, he doesn’t need to know that.

Jensen flushes slightly in embarrassment and looks down again. “Sorry, I guess I’ve been doubting things a lot lately, worried and nervous, more so than usual anyway.” He gives a halfhearted shrug and laughs awkwardly. Jared has to laugh too but only because Jensen never really came off as the nervous type to him, at least not to the extent Jensen is implying.

“You shouldn’t have worried Jen, I’m glad to see you. Hell, I’m glad you were ready to see me.” He smiles, wanting to reach across the table and touch but knowing Jensen might not be ready for that has him keeping his hands to himself. “Are you doing better?”

Jensen seems to take a moment to consider this question, growing quiet for a bit and Jared is beginning to think maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He assumed Jensen would be doing a bit better, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have been ready enough to visit Jared in the first place, but maybe this was still a sore subject for the man. Maybe talking about it was too hard. If that was the case Jared wouldn’t push him, he didn’t want to do anything to make Jensen feel uncomfortable, no matter how much he may want to know what his state of mind is like these days.

“I guess that would depend on your definition of better,” Jensen replies with a wry smile before Jared can retract his question and he’s sort of glad he didn’t get the chance. “It’s been a struggle for me, some days harder than others. I’ve uh, well I’ve been seeing a psychologist.” Jensen raises his chin a little, the move a little defiant, like he’s refusing to be ashamed of this. Shame is the last thing Jared thinks Jensen should feel.

“I think that’s a very good thing, I’m glad you have someone to talk to about things, give you some perspective and advice…” Jared trails off, feeling stupid for his words because really, how does one respond to something like that and not worry about saying the wrong thing? He’s truly glad Jensen has sought out professional help but he’s worried he didn’t sound sincere enough.

Jensen just smiles, though Jared suspects it’s more because of Jared’s awkwardness than the words themselves. “I didn’t want to at first but I’m glad I did. He helped me a lot, to come to terms with what happened and get it all off my chest. Talking to someone not really connected to it and all that. It was easier somehow.” He shrugs a little, giving a small smile.

“I’m not a hundred percent better,” he warns Jared like it was necessary, and maybe it was on some level but in all honesty Jared hadn’t expected him to be. _But he’s making progress_ , he thinks to himself. “Holding hands in public and anything like that still freaks me out,” he whispers this, like he’s almost afraid someone will overhear him and this makes Jared’s heart break a little, it’s painful to see this once strong person so cautious, so afraid. He can only hope it won’t always be like this.

“I’m not going to push you for anything you’re not ready for Jen,” he tells him after a moment, not allowing himself to think about the possibility that Jensen may never be ready. _One step at a time_ , that’s his motto now.

Jensen gives him another smile. “I know you won’t, and I appreciate that Jay. I know this can’t be easy, and it’s not fair to you.”

“I don’t care about me Jen,” he says immediately and continues when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “I would love to hold your hand and kiss you in public but I don’t necessarily need that. Just being with you, even behind closed doors, is enough for me. Having you in my life is the most important thing to me Jen, that’s what matters.”

Jensen appears to be speechless for his mouth is gaping open like he wants to say something but can’t find the words. Jared can’t help but blush slightly but he keeps his eyes locked with Jensen’s, hoping his sincerity is clear on his face. The message must have been received because Jensen is smiling now and looks relieved. “God, I love you,” bursts out of him and even he seems to be surprised by this.

They still have their issues to work out, hurts to be mended, but the fact still remains that they love each other and that hasn’t changed, no matter what they’ve been through. Jared is still a little hurt over being pushed away, has his own issues to deal with as far as that’s concerned, and he’s sure Jensen has his own as well. But he loves Jensen, cares about him in ways he’s never cared about anyone else, and to not at least try to find their way back to each other would be a mistake he doesn’t want to make. He has no delusions, he knows it won’t be easy. Trust needs to be rebuilt and Jensen’s still dealing with the aftermath of the attack, not to mention their relationship was on the rocks long before that, but he wants to try to fix things. That is, if Jensen is willing to give them another try.

Jared just grins goofily though, like all his birthdays came at once. “I hope you don’t think I’m pushing but would you have dinner with me tonight?”

His breath catches in his throat when Jensen seems to close down in front of him, nervous eyes glancing this way and that, closing his eyes sadly. Jared already knows what Jensen is going to say even before he opens his mouth to speak but Jared beats him to the punch. “Before you say anything, yes I am proposing a date but I would never ask for you to publicly hold my hand or anything. I already told you I wouldn’t and I meant that.” With that said Jared takes a breath and smiles a bit unsurely. “I was thinking something more private, just you and me.”

Jensen’s eyes bore into Jared’s as he sits perfectly still, the look in his eyes is one of contemplation though so Jared forces himself to keep looking back and does his best not to fidget or get impatient for an answer. Turns out he isn’t left waiting for too long as a soft smile blossoms on Jensen’s face and that is all the answer Jared needs.


	30. Hold My Heart

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Twenty-Nine:**  
 _Hold My Heart_  
-~*~-

Jensen steps out of the vehicle Jared had borrowed from Chad and looks up at the building Jared has driven him to, the place he’d planned to take Jensen to for their date. A crease forms between his eyebrows as he turns a confused frown onto Jared, who now stands at his side. “Tom’s apartment building?” He asks with a raised eyebrow, not meaning to sound skeptical but very much unsure why Jared would take him here of all places.

Jared gives him an answering grin as he shrugs his shoulders. “Don’t diss it until you know what I have planned,” the grin on his face grows as Jensen’s eyebrow rise higher but he doesn’t offer up an explanation, just motions for Jensen to follow him into the building.

This, admittedly, has Jensen intrigued. He doesn’t know what Jared could possibly have planned at Tom’s apartment of all places but he finds himself eager to find out. _This isn’t going to be fun_ , he thinks to himself as he steps into the building and his eyes land on the staircase.

With Jensen’s limp serving as a bit of a hindrance, the climb up to the roof is slower than it normally would be. Jared sends him concerned, painful glances as they walk up the stairs but Jensen gives him reassuring smiles despite the slight ache his leg gets from the climb. The slight pain and tiredness he feels could be a lot worse however, and he tells Jared as much when the shaggy haired man voices his concerns.

“Small price to pay,” is what he says, and Jared frowns at this but doesn’t say anything in response, and seems to think it is pointless anyway.

_I’m alive, a bum leg really is a small price to pay_ , he thinks to himself but doesn’t give voice to his thoughts, seeing reciprocating thoughts flittering across Jared’s face as well.

By the time they reach the rooftop, Jensen is a little winded but grateful to have made it up the stairs with minimal trouble. A soft air of breath whooshes from his lungs when his eyes land on the intimate table set for two in the middle of the rooftop, candles being their only light save for the moon and a blanket lies spread out on the floor close by.

“Wow,” the word rushes from his lungs as he takes in the sight before him, stepping forward slightly but stopping a few steps in. “This is….” He can’t even think of a proper word for it, not one that would adequately express what he’s thinking.

“I hope that means you like it,” Jared chuckles but it sounds a bit self-conscious and Jensen looks over at him with a soft expression in his eyes.

“I do, very much so.”

He moves further in, towards the table and can’t help but to smile as he looks around at everything. For a roof, the people living here have sure made it feel comfortable. There are a few potted plants and flowers placed strategically around the rooftop, a landscape artist must live in the building, because despite the small area, there is a garden up here.

There is a stone walkway leading to the table, which is covered with a white tablecloth, candles placed around it for an intimate lighting. His eyes fall back onto the blanket he’d seen when he first saw the rooftop and realizes it’s actually a couple of blankets, more padding for better comfort and he wonders silently what they’ll be needing that for, but he lets the thought go for now in favor of checking out what sits atop the table.

The plates have covers over them so he can’t tell what Jared has prepared and he turns questioning eyes to the man who is silent beside him. He has clearly gone to a lot of trouble setting this all up, and Jensen isn’t quite sure what to think. It isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate all the work Jared did to do this, but it’s such an intimate gesture and Jensen isn’t sure either of them is ready for this. He had thought they’d start out slow, spend some time together, get to know one another again, maybe just start over again, and work their way back up. This is nice and sweet but it just seems to be too much too soon.

Jared smiles sheepishly as he moves to stand at Jensen’s side. “I can see the thoughts written all over your face.”

Jensen flushes and turns away. He didn’t want to make Jared feel bad, or discouraged, what he did really was nice, but he truly thought this was too much.

Jensen is forced to look back at Jared when a hand gently grabs his chin and tilts his head up, green eyes meeting soft yet sad hazel. “I’m not trying to rush things Jen, just let me explain before you clam up on me or shut me down.”

Jensen feels bad that Jared would even think he’d shut him down because of this, but he also realizes his reaction hadn’t been encouraging at all, so he knows he’s to blame for Jared’s uncertainty. He gives a nod to show he’s listening but doesn’t verbally say so. Jared takes it for the good sign that it is and lets out a breath.

“I know this looks like an intimate dinner for two, and it kind of is with all the candles, but it’s dark up here with no lights so candles was my best option. And I didn’t go out of my way with dinner either, it’s just pizza,” he says as he lifts one of the covers over a plate to reveal the food underneath. “I know you’re still unsure and afraid to be in public with me, especially if people see it for what it is, a date.”

Jared stresses the word ‘date’ and Jensen can understand. He knows he has been unsure about things, is afraid to start anything with Jared that he may not be able to finish or even meet him halfway on, but Jared is stubborn and persistent and is determined to make Jensen know this is a date. Surprisingly, the idea of a date with Jared isn’t scary and it doesn’t make him feel uneasy. Sure, going on a date in public does terrify him, and he’s worried he can’t give Jared what he needs or wants, but the thought of going on a date with _Jared_ doesn’t bother him. It’s just the whole public thing he needs to work on.

“I thought the roof would be a perfect choice, no one around to gawk at us and make you feel uneasy. We can just be ourselves up here, can talk without being overheard, and I brought the blankets up here so we’d have a place to sit or lie down once we’re done eating. We can just lay here and look up at the stars, or we can talk… I’m not expecting anything Jensen; I just wanted you to feel comfortable.”

Jensen is touched by the thought Jared put into this, and how much the man cares, there’s no doubt about that. He isn’t quite sure what to say because he hadn’t been expecting this and it’s just so thoughtful of Jared to do this for him. Instantly he finds himself relaxing, warming up to the idea of this date with the man he still loves and giving them another chance, to put things right between them.

“This is wonderful Jared, thank you,” he whispers, a bit choked up, as he smiles and tilts his head back to look up at the night sky. He blinks a few times, the smile on his face growing brighter as his eyes dart around the sky. “The stars look incredible from up here.”

When he looks back to Jared, he is met with a beaming grin that melts away whatever doubts remained in his mind.

**:0Ж0:**

They take their time eating the pizza and drinking their sodas, sharing idle chat that is mostly unimportant topics to fill the silence. It is comfortable and relaxing though, and both of them are quite pleased with how the evening is progressing so far. Jensen seems comfortable, and has even been laughing, smiling both shyly and amused, so Jared counts that as a win.

In fact, the date is going better than he’d been expecting it to, especially when he had seen the flashes of doubt that crossed Jensen’s face when he saw what Jared had done. Even as the idea had entered his mind, he’d known Jensen would likely be unsure, and think they were moving too fast. He had known there was a strong possibility that it would scare Jensen away, but Jared had gone forward with his plan regardless, just hoping for the best outcome.

Once they are finished with their meal, Jared puts things away and cautiously takes Jensen by the hand. Jensen only tenses momentarily before relaxing, remembering that they are alone up here, and Jared squeezes his hand reassuringly. He leads Jensen over to the spread out blanket on the floor and releases Jensen’s hand, moving to sit down. Jensen follows him down, his legs bent in front of him as he makes himself comfortable.

Jared smiles to himself as he lies back, keeping his hands to himself but looking at Jensen hopefully. He really isn’t expecting anything, but he is hoping Jensen will just let himself relax completely and stop worrying so much.

Jensen appears undecided as he looks to Jared and then to the blanket, a look of consideration fleeting across his face before schooling his expression into one of determination as he lies down on his back and looks up at the stars. Jared smiles to himself as he finally allows himself to relax, keeping one hand at his side and the other resting on his stomach as he, too, looks up at the stars.

“It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?” He breaks the silence that has befallen them.

“It really is,” Jensen lets out a breathy whisper, appearing so content to just lie there beside Jared and look up at the stars. “I find it hard to believe that there are actual places here in LA where the stars can be seen so clearly.”

Jared simply nods his head in agreement and they both fall silent again, content to share the silence and enjoy one another’s presence. To Jared, this is perfect. It is just nice having Jensen _there_ again, at his side and with him. He’d missed the other man’s presence in his life, being able to see him and talk with him. There has been this emptiness inside of him that only Jensen could fill, and having him there now makes Jared feel complete again.

“I’m sorry, Jared.” Jensen’s soft voice startles Jared out of his reverie, and the words cause a frown to form on his lips.

He turns his head against the blanket to regard the quiet man beside him, wondering where that apology came from. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Jen.”

Jensen releases a humorless chuckle as he turns his head to look back into Jared’s eyes, a sad smile pulling at his lips. “No I have plenty to be sorry for Jay, how I treated you, most of all.” He shakes his head but he doesn’t look away from Jared’s eyes. “I didn’t do right by you, Jared, I know that, and I really am sorry about everything. I regret the way I did things.”

Jared would be lying if he said he wasn’t lost right now, he has no idea what Jensen is apologizing for, or what he means by any of this. _Didn’t do right by me? Is he serious?_ He questions incredulously but doesn’t open his mouth just yet to give this voice, needing Jensen to explain himself first.

“I wasn’t being fair to you, when I pushed you away right after the attack. After everything you’d done, coming out to your family the way you did, and being there for me when I woke up… I was being a coward.” Jensen’s eyes are downcast as he says this, shame and regret radiating off of him in waves. Jared wants to reach out, take him in his arms and smother him with reassurances until he feels better, but Jensen is speaking again before he can even move.

“At the time I’d tried to tell myself I was doing it for you, that I couldn’t give you what you needed, and I didn’t deserve you. I’m not saying I didn’t truly feel that way, but it was more than that too, I was scared and I ran. I walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me because I was afraid of getting hurt. Whether I was afraid of getting hurt by you or the world in general, I don’t know, maybe a little of both. But, the point is, I hurt myself by pushing you away. I hurt both of us, and I’m sorry, Jared. I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you.”

Jared is silent long enough that Jensen finally lifts his head again to look at him, hurt and regret shining in those green eyes that Jared loves. He stays quiet for a moment longer, silently contemplating what he is going to say. “Do you regret ending things the way you did? I mean, it hurt, but was it the best thing for you at the time?”

Jensen bites his lip, and gives a barely there nod of his head, eyes falling. “I regret the pain I caused you, but… I was a mess, Jared, and I realize having you there for support would’ve been easier, leaning on you would have helped, but… I think I needed to face the healing process on my own. I was so selfish, thinking only of myself. I wasn’t a nice person to be around then.”

He shakes his head, a small smile gracing his face as he lifts his eyes to Jared’s again. “I know you wanted to be there for me, and I’m sorry my insecurities and fear hurt you, but at the same time…” He pauses a moment to get his thoughts in order and then he’s smiling again, genuine and happy. “Taking that time to focus on myself, to focus on dealing with the attack, and pushing myself to get better? I think I’m stronger now, for it. I’m not completely healed from the trauma but I’m so much better now than I was before, and I have to say I’m proud of the fact that I got there on my own.”

Putting aside all the hurt and pain the breakup had caused him, Jared can admit it’s good to hear Jensen talking like this. It’s good to see him smiling. “I’m proud of you too, Jensen, and am amazed by your strength. To get through what you experienced, on your own, takes a remarkable amount of strength, and I honestly couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Jensen blushes at the praises but doesn’t turn away. “It wasn’t all me, I had professionals to talk to that helped me deal with everything.”

Jared shakes his head. “Don’t downplay it Jen, it takes a strong person to go through what you did and come out of it as well as you have. You have every right to feel proud.” He smiles a bit. “It hurt when you left me, but I understood why you did, after a while anyway, once I let myself consider your reasons. With what you went through, you had every right to feel scared and unsure. I’m just glad you came back to me when you were ready, that’s what matters.”

Jensen’s eyes are swimming with emotions as Jared falls silent again, and he reaches down tentatively, hand sliding against Jared’s before slipping underneath to entwine their fingers and hold on tight. It may not seem like a very brave move, with them being up on the roof alone and with no one in sight, but Jared grasps the gravity of the gesture, and it warms his heart.

“That’s not all I’m sorry for Jared. Even before the attack, I was pushing you for things you weren’t ready for, and I should’ve known better. I know how hard it is coming out to your parents, and just coming to accept your sexuality in general, and I pushed you too hard. I should have been more patient, and content with what you could give me at the time, but instead I pushed you too hard and asked for things you weren’t comfortable with yet. You needed time and I hadn’t given it to you…”

“Jen, stop. Okay? Stop with the apologies.” Jared tells him gently but firm at the same time, not out of irritation but care. “Yes, I wasn’t ready, but you had been patient with me and I did you wrong. You can say what you want, deny it all you want, but we both know I treated you badly back then. I wasn’t without my faults, some blame for the way things happened lies with me, and you honestly can’t say it doesn’t. We both know I could have and should have done some things differently. I hurt you, and for that _I_ am sorry.”

“How about we agree that we both were wrong, share equal amounts of the blame, and let it go at that?” Jensen proposes, a tiny smile quirking his lips.

Jared relaxes once more, a reciprocating smile on his own lips as he nods his head. “That sounds good to me. Just, please, stop apologizing for things. Alright? You don’t need to be sorry about anything, and I’d much rather just put it behind us.”

Jensen releases a breathy laugh but nods his head as well. “No more apologies, I can do that.”

Jared gently squeezes Jensen’s hand and gets a squeeze to his hand in response, a silent reassurance going out to both of them, a truce to let the past go and focus on the here and now. “Forgive me if this shouldn’t be said, but I have missed you so much.”

Jensen slowly lowers his eyelashes, a quirk of a smile as he lifts them once more. “I missed you too, more than you would probably believe. It may not have seemed like it, but I never stopped loving you, never stopped wishing you were with me.”

A grin blossoms on Jared’s face. “I can believe that, and I never thought you stopped loving me, Jen. Sure, it was hard, and I was hurt, but I knew you loved me. But, I also knew you were in a rough place, and you were hurting, scared. I had hoped you missed me as much as I missed you, but not once did I doubt your love… it’s good to hear though, it’s reassuring.”

“I do, I love you so much, Jay.” Jensen tells him softly, with feeling, as he moves a bit closer, until their arms are pressing together.

“I love you too Jen, always will.” He whispers back as he lifts up onto his elbow and looks down at Jensen. “Is it too soon to ask if I can kiss you? Will you turn me away? It’s okay if you don’t want to just yet.”

He knows he is rambling, doubts swimming in his head, and hoping he isn’t overstepping any boundaries Jensen has put up. Jensen smiles fondly as he releases his hold on Jared’s hand to grasp onto his arm and pull him down slightly. Jared winds up having to reposition himself to keep his balance, and finds himself leaning over Jensen, those green eyes staring up at him with so much emotion Jared feels he may drown in it.

“You need to tell me it’s okay, Jen,” Jared says softly, unwilling to make any moves unless he’s absolutely sure Jensen wants it. “I need to hear the words.”

“I want you to,” Jensen whispers. “It‘s okay, I’m ready and won’t panic, I promise.”

Jared stares down at Jensen beneath him, a soft tilt of his lips as he reaches out and takes Jensen’s chin in hand. His fingers slide up the strong curve of his jaw, fingers splaying across his cheek and the side of his neck, thumb caressing his chin as he dips down and takes possession of Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen makes a sort of mewling sound the moment their lips touch, arching up into the sweet kiss, a hand resting on Jared’s bicep while his arm snakes around Jared’s back and presses his palm against the muscles, not applying any pressure, just feeling. Jared keeps the kiss light and tender, their lips brushing together slowly, and making no move to deepen it.

The man beneath him is pliant and content, making soft, pleased noises through his mouth as they kiss, and Jared couldn’t possibly think of anything better than this. They are barely doing anything, have no plans of taking this any further, but it is still one of the best things Jared has done. He loves the feel of Jensen beneath him, trading soft and lazy kisses, sometimes just sharing breath. It is arousing and thrilling, and Jared finds that they could spend the whole night just doing this and he would be quite happy.

They are only just beginning to find each other again though, have hurt each other enough that rebuilding the trust broken between them will take time, and rushing things right now wouldn’t be the wisest decision either of them have ever made. But lying here with Jensen, just having him in his arms, and kissing him softly, is something he has missed so much, and Jensen isn’t complaining so he figures this is okay.

They have a ways to go, their relationship is fragile and Jensen has his issues to work through, but tonight none of that matters. For tonight, they can have this.

**:0Ж0:**

They go on a couple of dates after that but avoid public places. Jensen is acting a bit more like himself every day, feeling more like himself, but he’s not ready to hold hands and kiss Jared where everyone can see. It isn’t that he’s ashamed, he just can’t let go of his fear of some bigoted asshole seeing and hurting either of them because of it.

He knows he is probably being irrational, not everyone in the world is going to hurt them or be disgusted, especially here, in California where people are freer to be who they are, but that doesn’t take away his fears. He’s still not sure when he’ll be ready to take their relationship public, or if he ever will, but Jared made him promise not to dwell on it and to just take things one day at a time.

It’s not easy but he’s doing his best to keep that promise.

“What’s got you looking so glum?”

Jensen raises his eyes from the paper to see Chad approaching the table he’s sitting at in the campus library. His friend pulls out the chair across from him, turns it around and plops down onto it backwards, crossing his arms over the top of it.

Jensen frowns and rubs at his forehead, sighing softly. “I’m in need of a new place of employment. With how long I was away, my boss couldn’t hold my position at the café and had to hire someone else in my place. I understand, but now I have no idea what I’m going to do for work.”

“Having no luck with the want ads?” Chad asks glancing at the paper laid out on the table.

Jensen grumbles under his breath and gives a shake of his head. “The few places I’ve checked into either have already hired someone or I never get called back for an interview. One place looked hopeful, but they can’t give me a schedule that works around my classes, so that’s not an option.”

Chad laughs when Jensen drops his head down onto the table and bangs it lightly a couple of times. “Stop that,” he says, slipping his hand between Jensen’s forehead and the table. “Jared seems fond of your forehead, I doubt he’d be happy to find out you have any permanent damage from the abuse you’re putting it through.”

“This is seriously hopeless.” Jensen lifts his head to give his friend a morose look. “I’m really beginning to doubt anyone’s going to hire me. Getting a job that works with my school schedule is hard enough, there are people out there more experienced and more reliable than me, of course they’d choose them over me.”

“Cheer up young grasshopper,” Chad replies jovially, and Jensen raises an eyebrow incredulously at Chad’s choice of words just as much as his easygoing response. “I might have the answer to your problem.”

“Do I want to know?” Jensen asks, mostly teasing, as he gathers his things and motions for his friend to follow him out of the library.

“Ye o’ little faith,” he clutches his chest and shakes his head, and again Jensen is wondering what the hell is with Chad’s vocabulary today. His friend has said some off the wall things before, mostly being his douchebag self, but this is just ridiculous.

“Why do you keep talking like that?” He finally breaks down and asks.

Chad scowls and rolls his eyes. “Do you want to know my idea or not, Ass-face?”

_Ah, that’s more like it_ , he thinks with an inward grin. “Okay, fine. Please, go on.”

Chad grins, satisfied, and follows Jensen outside to one of the tables on campus. They get themselves situated, Jensen enjoying the sunshine on his face, and Chad leans on his elbows. “We both know I’m my boss’ favorite, one of the few employees’ he can count on.”

Jensen rolls his hand, telling him to go on. They all know that despite how often Chad gets fired Jim always hires him back, much to everyone’s disbelief. “Well, if I put in a good word for you I’m sure Jim would be happy to hire you on.” Chad says with a nonchalant shrug, pulling a bag of chips out of his backpack and popping one into his mouth.

“Is Jim even hiring anybody right now?” He asks, considering the possibility but not wanting to give the idea much weight until he’s sure he might have a shot.

Chad nods. “He fired this dipshit last week, so you could fill that position.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Jensen looks up to find Jared and Will standing there. This is a bit unusual, seeing as Jared and his roommate never spend time together, and he raises an eyebrow curiously.

“Came by your place looking for you,” is the answer Jared gives as he takes a seat next to Jensen and looks between him and Chad curiously.

“I was telling your boy here that Jim’s hiring, figured I could put in a good word for him, maybe get him the position.”

Jared perks up at that, clearly thinking this is a good idea. “Hell, why not? You worked at that café; you’re capable of making gourmet coffee, so I don’t see why you’d have trouble getting hired at a coffee shop, especially with Chad helping out.”

“See? I have good ideas, just no one ever believes me.” Chad gives a smug smile to which everyone currently present rolls their eyes at and then chooses not to comment.

“You really think I should look into it?” Jensen asks, biting his lip in contemplation and not able to find a reason this wouldn’t be a good idea. Not that he was trying all that hard.

“I think so, but honestly, what other choices have you had?” Will points out reasonably, and Jensen nods his head in agreement.

“Alright then,” he says with determination, slapping his hands down onto the table with a grin. “I’ll head in this afternoon to fill out an application.”

“This is great, hopefully everything will work out and you’ll find yourself employed again,” Jared says with a smile and reaches over to lay his hand on top of Jensen’s.

Jensen snatches his hand back as if he’d been burnt, looking around them to see if anyone is looking, and flinches at the brief look of hurt that crosses Jared’s face. He knows he reacted badly, and that small gut reaction hurt his boyfriend. Just knowing that fills him with shame and makes him feel physically ill.

He closes his eyes tightly, breathing slowly, and internally berating himself for being such a coward, for letting this fear rule not just his life but now Jared’s as well. Jared hasn’t expected anything from him, has been very patient and understanding even, but every time he does this Jensen still feels terrible. He hates being this way, but he doesn’t know how to stop.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers before pushing off of the bench seat and striding away as fast as he can, even as Jared pleads with him to come back.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen has been hiding out in his room ever since his slight freak out. He can’t be sure how long he’s been here, but he knows it can’t be more than ten or fifteen minutes. He considers finding Jared and apologizing, not just for how he reacted but also for running away, but he can’t bring himself to move. He feels embarrassed and ashamed of himself, facing Jared now isn’t something he can do, but hiding out until he’s ready sounds like a great option.

 _Yep, I’m a coward_ , he sighs softly and sits down on his bed. Leaning his back against the headboard, he draws his knees up and crosses his arms over top of them. He contemplates what he will say to Jared the next time he sees him, but is pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a key being pushed into the lock of the door. He sighs once more to himself, not wanting to know what Will is going to say in response to how he reacted earlier.

The door opens a moment later and Jensen looks up to see his roommate letting Jared into the room. Jensen blinks slowly before glaring at Will, whom just winks and closes the door behind him, leaving Jensen alone with Jared. _Traitor_ , he thinks glumly.

“You ran away from me,” Jared speaks plainly, as he stands at the foot of the bed.

Jensen drops his eyes down to the comforter on his bed, picking at an imaginary piece of lint. “I know, I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet as he says this, still unable to raise his head to meet Jared’s eyes. “I… I shouldn’t have reacted that way, running away, and to the touch itself. I don’t know why I have to be so fucked up.”

Jared sighs, and moves to sit beside Jensen on the bed. Jensen moves over a bit to make room, and then Jared’s arm is circling his waist, pulling him into the warmth of his side. “I don’t expect for you to feel comfortable with things like that yet Jensen, it’s only been a couple of weeks since you’ve been back. I don’t know how long it’ll take for you to be okay with things, like holding hands or even just casual touches, but I certainly didn’t expect you to be okay with it right now. This is going to take time, and I’m more than okay with that. You don’t have to feel bad for being uncomfortable or afraid, and you don’t have to run away from me when those times come around.”

“I know it was childish, but I saw the hurt on your face, I was ashamed, and I just couldn’t take it,” Jensen shrugs, still hating himself for how he reacted, and the fact that he can’t do things like that without panicking, even if just slightly. “I don’t want to be this way.”

“You won’t always be this way,” Jared tells him, and says it like he really believes this. Jensen isn’t so sure he shares that belief, but he would like to. “But, for now, that’s something you’re dealing with, and you’ve got to give yourself time to get past it. This isn’t something that will go away overnight, it’s something you’re gonna have to work through, and you don’t need to rush yourself. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be, but you need to have some patience with yourself as well.”

Jensen sighs heavily and leans into the comfort of Jared’s side, dropping his head down against Jared’s shoulder. “Some days it really seems like I’ll never get better, never get passed this. I want to reach that point in all of this where I’m okay with holding your hand in public instead of panicking at the slightest touch. People keep saying I’ll get there some day but it’s just taking so long… I just hate how much this is ruling my life.” He shakes his head against Jared’s shoulder, resigned, and looks up at him. “What if everyone’s wrong? What if I never get past this? What then? Where would that leave us?”

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen Jen, whether you’ll get past this fear or not, though I like to believe you will eventually. But, if you don’t… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t care to worry about something that might not happen. I’d much rather take this one step at a time, face everything that comes at us in its own time.” He lets out another audible sigh as he moves to lie down on his back, pulling Jensen down with him.

Jensen curls up into Jared’s side, head resting against his shoulder, hand reaching out to lay flat against the beat of Jared’s heart. He closes his eyes and just focuses on that rhythmic beating against his palm, letting it ground him and put him at ease.

“I know this is bothering you but you can’t rush yourself, it’ll happen in its own time. And I’m here, to help you through it, and be as patient as you need me to be. Either way, I’m not going anywhere, Jen. I promise you that.”

Jensen feels the kiss that is placed to the top of his head, and a smile pulls at his lips. It feels good, the reassurance that Jared’s there, that he’s not going to run if things get tough. In a way, Jensen feels that their roles have been reversed; Jared is the strong one fighting to keep them together while Jensen is nearly running scared. Inwardly he rolls his eyes at himself. _I’m not running anywhere_ , he reminds himself, determined not to let this push him away from Jared again.

“We’ll make it through this,” he says softly, telling himself this just as much as Jared.

He doesn’t have to look to know that Jared is nodding his head. “Just as we have everything else,” he responds, and it sounds like a promise to Jensen’s ears, reassurance, and belief. It gives him hope.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared feels the moment Jensen relaxes into him, pleased that for the moment the other man is content. He isn’t fooled, he knows this issue likely hasn’t been dropped, that it’ll pop up again at some point, but he’s glad to have dealt with it for the time being. This hasn’t exactly been easy on Jared, at least not as easy as he’s tried to make everyone believe.

Having Jensen here with him again feels surreal at times. He’s grateful for the chance they have been given to make things right between them, to work on their relationship, but some old hurts still linger for both of them. He is still a little hurt that Jensen pushed him away, broke up with him even after telling his parents that he’s gay and in love, but he’s doing his best to move beyond it, and leave it in the past where it belongs.

What they truly need is time to relearn each other, and get things right this time. He knows this, but he also knows it won’t be easy, isn’t expecting it to be. _No matter what, he’s worth it_ , he tells himself as he tightens his arms around the man beside him and closes his eyes. The road has not been a smooth one for them, but he isn’t going to give up now, Jensen means too much to him to let him go now. _I’ll stand by him every step of the way._


	31. A Slow Progress

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Thirty:**  
 _A Slow Progress_  
-~*~-

“Your boy seriously needs to get his own vehicle,” Chad grouses as he makes his way out of the backroom to where Jensen is standing behind the front counter. This particular complaint isn’t anything new; Jensen has heard it more times than he can count on both hands.

“He has his own vehicle, but it needs a new transmission, you know that,” he replies in an exasperated tone that goes unnoticed, or just ignored, by his friend.

“I get that, but when is he going to save up the money to get a new one? I don’t mind helping him out, but I got that truck so I could use it, not him.” Chad rolls his eyes, mumbling some more under his breath, but Jensen can tell it’s just a token argument. He might be a little annoyed right now, but he wouldn’t give Jared a hard time about it.

“Give him some time, I’m sure he is setting aside the money, it’s just not going to happen overnight.”

Chad releases a heavy sigh but just nods his head in agreement and thankfully, the subject is dropped for now. Silence befalls the two as their workload picks up, the afternoon rush sneaking up on them before they knew it. A few of their friends drop in to visit but leave within a couple of minutes when they see how busy they are. _Or I should say I’m busy_ , Jensen thinks sourly as he glances over at Chad, who is taking his sweet ass time making an order of lattes.

He lets the irritation go just as quickly as it surfaced, and deals with the next few customers with a smile and a friendly attitude. He has only been working here for a couple of days, and when he first started, he had his doubts. He wasn’t sure working with Chad was something he wanted to do, mostly because he knows Chad slacks off and leaves most of the work to the other employees. However, he’s come to realize Chad isn’t that bad to work with, and he’s doesn’t slack off as much as he’s led everyone to believe.

Not to mention, working with his friend is actually kind of nice. He’s never had a strong relationship with Chad to begin with, but over the last few days he’s spent more time in Chad’s company, and he’s come to see that his blonde friend isn’t as much of a douche as he leads people to believe. Jensen managed to hold a few decent conversations with the guy, enough for him to think he’s kind of decent… even though he can be kind of a douchebag at times.

“How’s everything going with you anyway?” Chad speaks up once their latest customer is served and they are left alone for the moment. “And no bullshit answer either, how are you really adjusting?”

Jensen raises an eyebrow, a quirk of a smile on his face as he shakes his head. “I’m doing about as well as expected, Chad. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing okay I think. It’s just gonna take some time.” He shrugs, still a bit uncomfortable with this topic.

“You look like you’ve made some progress,” Chad tells him in one of his rare moments of genuine honesty, no intentions of mocking anyone.

Jensen inwardly frowns, not sure he agrees with Chad. Nevertheless, he smiles and just gives a nod of his head. _Could be worse_ , he tells himself.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared mindlessly flips through the channels, not exactly interested in watching anything the television has to offer, but unable to think of anything else to keep his boredom at bay. His day had been an eventful one, with attending his classes in the morning, and then working his shift down at the bookstore. It wasn’t anything altogether unusual, it’s a routine he’s grown used to, but for some reason he’s feeling a bit more tired out than normal.

Sighing audibly out of frustration, he puts on an old episode of Friends, and tosses the remote aside. He doesn’t really plan to pay too much attention to it, just has it on for background noise as he settles comfortably into the couch cushions and closes his eyes.

He’s minutes away from escaping into a much-needed nap when his eyes snap open and he flails ungracefully, having his legs kicked off of the coffee table where they’d been propped up. He glares up at Steve, who just stares down at him with a smirk in response. “How many times do I have to tell you people, no feet on my coffee table?” He asks but it comes out sounding more like a statement.

“Maybe you just need to give up and accept the fact that no one listens to you now, and we aren’t going to, no matter how often you yell at us.” Jared gives a cheeky grin, but Steve resolutely ignores him, stepping around his feet to drop down onto the couch beside him.

“Y’all will learn some day, even if I have to beat it into you.”

Jared snickers at this but doesn’t comment. They both know Steve is talking out of his ass right now anyway. The blonde always gets irritated about these things, but nothing ever changes, and he doesn’t try too hard to make them. It’s become a moot point.

When Steve reaches for the remote, Jared doesn’t argue, just lets him turn on one of the music channels and decides that is better than what he had on to begin with. He wasn’t all that interested in watching television anyway, and at least this way he doesn’t have to even pretend to be focusing on it. Instead, he’s free to let his mind wander.

For once, he has more than just thoughts of Jensen occupying his mind. Sure, Jensen takes up a lot of room in his mind, always has and always will, but he’s also been thinking about his living conditions. Not that living with Chris and Steve is a bad situation, because it isn’t, but it was never meant to be permanent, and he knows he needs to start figuring out his options.

He enjoys having Chris and Steve as roommates, he really does, but he feels he needs his own space. Plus, Chris and Steve are in a relationship, they need their space just as much, even though he realizes they would never say so to his face. They are happy to let him stay here as long as he needs to, but he doesn’t want to let too much time pass, and he doesn’t want things to become strained between them. Not to say that will happen of course, but it’s a possibility, one Jared doesn’t want to risk.

He isn’t sure how he is going to pull this off with his salary and limited time, however. He makes a decent wage at the bookstore, and has never had cause to complain, but he doubts his salary alone would be enough to live comfortably on. Not if he hopes to find a decent place anyway, and still have enough for food and utilities. _This is looking bleak_ , he acknowledges with a frown that Steve immediately takes notice to.

“What’s on your mind?” He asks, and Jared finds that he is not ready for this conversation. He doesn’t know how his friend will take it, and he doesn’t want to offend him.

“Options,” Jared answers vaguely, knowing this won’t be good enough for Steve, and his friend _is_ going to drag everything out of him, whether he likes it or not.

“Way to be vague,” Steve says in a deadpan tone of voice and expression to match. “Now, would you care to give me a real answer this time?”

Jared is silent for a moment, trying to figure out a way to start this conversation without spouting everything out in a nervous ramble. “You know I appreciate everything you and Chris have done for me, right?” He asks, searching his friend’s eyes and getting a nod in return. “It meant a lot to me that you guys took me in; put a roof over my head when I needed it, but… I can’t stay here forever.”

The crease between Steve’s eyebrows deepens as a slightly bemused smile appears. “I feel as though we have had this conversation before, not all that long ago in fact,” he says teasingly, but the expression held within his eyes shows a touch of concern. “I thought I made myself clear before, but we’re not giving you the impression that we want you to leave, right?”

“No, not at all, you guys have been great,” Jared is quick to reassure, and Steve visibly relaxes, but his confusion is still evident. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome, man. And before you say anything, I know you’d let me live here for as long as I want to, but you and Chris need your own space. But, at the same time, I need my own too. I need to stand on my own two feet for once, and I’m thinking I need that sooner rather than later. This has nothing to do with you or Chris, or making me feel like I have to leave, this is all on me.”

“Calm down, Jared.” Steve laughs, giving Jared’s shoulder a friendly punch. “I understand, this is something you need to do for yourself, and I completely support you here. I’m not offended, and Chris won’t be either. I’ll admit I will be sad to see you go, but I’m happy so long as you’re happy. And I do think you and Jensen will need your own space too.” He says this with a knowing grin that Jared reciprocates, glad to see that his friend knows where he’s coming from.

He gives a soft chuckle. “That’s exactly where my mind was at when I made the decision too, but this isn’t just about Jensen and I having our own space, I really do think it’s time I got a place of my own.”

“I get it, man, no worries. Like I said, I’ll be sad to see you go, but I wouldn’t mind having more alone time with Chris, either.” He gives a rare, naughty grin that has Jared laughing.

“Dude, TMI!” He laughs again, shaking his head and reaching out to punch his friend on the arm. “I didn’t need to know that.”

“Prude.” Steve says affectionately, relaxing back into the couch cushions with a grin remaining on his face. “Now that there’s no need to worry, are you okay now?”

Jared’s good humor dries up, a sigh falling from his lips. “I have this plan in my head of what I want to do, but the problem is I don’t know if I can actually make it happen. For a part-time job, my salary ain’t half bad, but I don’t think I’ll be able to afford a place just on my paycheck alone.”

All of this was true, and nothing he hadn’t already known, but now that it was said aloud, it hit home for him. He flopped back against the couch, boneless, with a disappointed groan. “How in the hell am I gonna pull this off, Steve? I could get a decent place, but to do that I’d have to have limited utilities and give up food.” It was dramatic and not at all true, there were ways of course, but it was all rather disheartening all the same.

Steve stares at him for a long time, biting his bottom lip in thought. “Have you considered getting a roommate? Or asking Jensen to be your roommate?” He asks this as if it is the most logical choice, and Jared is a moron for not thinking of it sooner.

Jared rolls his eyes. “Yes, I have thought of that, Steve. But, I don’t think… look, I just think it’s too soon to ask Jen to move in with me. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks, we still have our issues to work out, and I’m sure it’s too soon to ask him to move in with me. We’re taking things slow, and asking him to move in is _not_ slow.”

It’s Steve’s turn to roll his eyes, but he acquiesces with a nod of his head. “Then, if not Jensen, why not ask one of our other friends? It couldn’t hurt to see if anyone is interested in being roomies with you.”

Jared goes silent once more as he contemplates this, and has to admit that Steve has a point. There’s a chance none of his friends will be interested, but he will never know until he asks. It couldn’t hurt to find out, and if by chance someone is interested then he could start looking for his own place. _This could be good for me._ He smiles at the thought and sends Steve a grateful thank you for his help, to which Steve smirks and says, “Anytime, Jare.”

**:0Ж0:**

Jared has been acting antsy and twitchy all day. Jensen can tell there is something going on with his boyfriend, but he has yet to drag any information out of him. Jensen quirks an eyebrow when, once more, Jared fidgets in his seat. “Okay, enough, what’s going on with you?” The question bursts out of Jensen as he pushes his textbook aside and gives Jared a look.

“Thank God somebody said it; I was this close to yelling at you!” Sophia groans in exasperation, sharing Jensen’s feelings on the matter. “You haven’t been able to sit still since you walked through the door, Jare.”

“She’s right, you haven’t,” Jensen agrees as he pushes away from his desk and moves to sit on his bed in front of Jared. “Tell me, is something bothering you or are you excited about something? With you, I can never tell.” He smirks slightly as he says this, to which Jared rolls his eyes but smiles as well.

“I don’t want to break up the mood, this is supposed to be study time, and my news can wait.”

“You just told us you have news, whether it’s good or bad news is yet to be seen, but you know we’re not going to be able to get back to studying until you open your mouth and tell us.” Sophia puts in her two cents, turned completely away from her class work to give Jared her full attention.

Jared grins, looking a little embarrassed but still excited at the same time. “It’s nothing major, or even that nice, but I found a studio apartment not far from campus. I’ve been thinking for a while about getting my own place, probably with a roommate because I couldn’t find anything affordable on my own. However, I was lucky enough to find this cute little studio apartment that’s affordable on my salary, and I’ll still have enough left over each month to live comfortably.”

“That’s great, Jay! Why are you looking embarrassed? This is something to be proud of,” Jensen tells him, baffled that Jared would assume anyone would think getting your first studio apartment would be something to look down on.

“Well, I was hoping for a one or two bedroom apartment, but I suppose a studio is good enough for now.” Jared says with a nonchalant shrug, but Jensen is having none of that.

“Don’t downplay it, man, this is awesome.” He smiles as he fists his hand into Jared’s shirt and tugs him in for a kiss, not even thinking about it, just acting on instinct. He is usually a bit more reserved, even in front of just their friends, but right now, he hadn’t even given it a second thought.

“Jensen’s right, Jare, this is awesome,” Sophia says when they break apart, “and I’m so happy for you!”

Ever the excitable one, Sophia jumps up with a beaming grin, crosses the space between them, and practically pounces onto Jared, giving him a tight hug of congratulations. Jared laughs, breathless from having the wind knocked out of him, and grins over her shoulder at Jensen. He sends a small but genuine smile back at Jared, truly happy for his boyfriend. He hadn’t known Jared was looking for a new place to live, but he’s glad his boyfriend managed to find something. It certainly didn’t hurt that it was, apparently, close to campus either. _Hopefully within walking distance._

“Thanks, Soph.” Jared smiles once she releases him from her tight hold, and reaches out to take Jensen’s hand in his own, squeezing gently. “I just got the keys today. After we’re done here, would you like to come see it?”

“Yes,” Jensen says simply. _Like there was ever another answer._

**:0Ж0:**

“The place is bare, I have absolutely no furniture to my name,” Jared needlessly warns as he unlocks the door and leads the way into his new home.

“I wouldn’t have expected anything else, Jay. Besides, you’ll get everything you need eventually. Your friends are here to help.” Jensen says as he steps foot in the place and looks around curiously.

The space is small, the bedroom cum living room being the first thing you see as you walk in the door, a bathroom off to the right, and the kitchen straight ahead. The kitchen is open, taking up nearly the whole length of the back of the apartment, save for a small area cut off, making room for the bathroom. It has a fridge, decent amount of counter space and a few cupboards. It is nothing special, or very big, but enough for just Jared.

It truly isn’t the greatest but it’s his first real place of his own since he left Texas, and he’s proud of it. Jensen tells him that he has every right to feel that way, and shows no signs that he’s unimpressed. In fact, he’s looking around the small studio apartment like it’s worth gold, and that expression right there means everything to Jared.

“My parents are sending me some money to help buy some furniture, stuff for the kitchen, and for the bathroom.” Jared says as he follows Jensen into the kitchen, where the light-haired man is currently looking out the sliding glass door that leads to the small backyard.

“I told them I didn’t want any hand-outs, that I wanted to do this on my own, but you know there’s no arguing with my momma. Best I could do is get her to agree to let me pay them back in small payments.” He says this with a small smile of affection on his face, if not a bit of exasperation mixed in.

Jensen turns to face him then, crossing the distance between them to wrap his arms around Jared’s neck, leaning in to place a soft kiss to his lips. “The place is great, Jared, and I think it’s good you’re accepting help from your parents. I know, it’s just a loan,” he says quickly when Jared opens his mouth to correct him, “but you did need to borrow the money and I think it’s a good thing that you’re letting them.”

Jared smiles then, leaning in to peck Jensen on the lips, unable to resist the temptation. “Do you think you’ll enjoy spending the majority of your time here?” He asks hopefully between kisses, unable to pull himself away.

“I can already tell you that I will,” Jensen replies, their mouths not separated for long before one or the other is leaning in for another brief, but deep kiss. “I’m going to be here so often; eventually you’ll get sick of me and force me to go home.”

Jared knows this is said in a teasing manner but his response is serious and matter-of-fact. “That is never going to happen… and besides, you always have a home, right here, with me.” Whether it’s too soon to say something so serious, he doesn’t know and honestly doesn’t care, because it’s the truth, and they both know it.

Jensen’s reply was a deep, but closed-mouthed kiss that lasted much longer than the ones previous, and Jared was quick to go along with it. His hands, which had been resting on Jensen’s hips, slid up his sides as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. Jensen was all too happy with this as he made a pleased sound at the back of his throat and opened his mouth slightly in invitation, an invitation that Jared was not to turn down.

He slid his tongue into Jensen’s awaiting mouth with a soft moan, breathing deeply through his nose as he pressed closer to Jensen, pressing their bodies as close as physically possible but still feeling it wasn’t nearly close enough to satisfy. Their mouths slid together messily, tongues twining and moving against one another’s.

Things were quickly becoming heated, but neither of them made any moves to slow it down or stop it altogether, so Jared just went with the flow of it. He thrust his tongue sensually, repeatedly, fucking into Jensen’s mouth as Jensen moaned and clutched desperately at Jared’s shoulders. He spread his legs and pushed up into Jared, letting him feel his growing erection, and Jared knew he couldn’t stop now even if he wanted to.

He walked them backward until Jensen’s back hit the wall with a gentle thump and pressed his whole body flush with his boyfriend’s, letting Jensen ride his thigh that he has pressed between his legs. Eventually air becomes necessary, and Jensen pulls back with a gasp, but he doesn’t stop rubbing himself on Jared’s leg and Jared doesn’t stop grinding back into him, so hard it practically hurts.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen feels as though his whole body is a mass of nerves, so sensitive that every touch, every kiss goes straight to his cock. It has been so long since he’s felt Jared’s hands on his body and he just can’t get enough of it. They were taking things slow, not wanting to rush with where Jensen’s head has been at, but Jensen knows that’s been tossed out now.

He couldn’t stop himself now and wouldn’t want to, he’s okay with how things have proceeded, and he _needs_ it. He doesn’t just need the release, but he needs the intimacy, needs to feel this close to Jared again. He didn’t even realize how much he missed it until they bridged that gap and tossed caution to the wind, let go of everything that has been holding them back.

At that moment, Jared takes a step back, and Jensen moans at the loss. Jared soothingly shushes him, smiling softly as he drops to his knees, and Jensen knows where this is leading. He leans back against the wall, looking down with pleading eyes that Jared nods to in response, reaching out to open the button on his jeans and lower the zipper.

Jared’s eyes catch Jensen’s once more as he pulls him out of his jeans, holding the weight of him in his hand before giving him an experimental stroke. Jensen licks his lips, breath coming out in a gasp as he whispers, “Please,” and his lover doesn’t make him wait any longer.

Jared licks along the head of his dick, then traces from the base to the crown with just the tip of his tongue, drawing forth a broken moan from Jensen. Jared hums softly, and the vibrations course though Jensen, making it difficult to keep his hips still. Jensen voices his encouragement, sliding a hand into the soft strands of Jared’s hair, and cradles his head.

Leaning heavily against the wall, he looks down at the sinful sight of Jared taking his dick deeper into his mouth, hollowing out his cheeks and applying suction. The grip Jared has on his hips is grounding, and Jensen fights the urge to close his eyes, needing to see his boyfriend.

He’s trying not to be too vocal but this proves difficult with Jared sucking him down and bobbing his head in a steady rhythm meant to make Jensen completely lose control. It has been so long since they’ve been intimate, and Jensen knows he probably won’t last long, but he doesn’t want this to end too soon, wants to enjoy it for as long as he can.

Jared’s hands leave the cut of Jensen’s hips, sliding around to squeeze his ass and pull him deeper into his mouth. He does this a couple of times, indicating just what he wants, and Jensen reads him loud and clear. He lets himself go then, rocking his hips, thrusting into the wet heat of Jared’s mouth gently, not wanting to choke Jared. It’s a struggle to keep control of himself, but Jared’s hands, which have slid back to his hips, reassure him that Jared will hold him back if he needs to.

It only takes a couple of thrusts, with Jared working him with his mouth and throat, to have Jensen coming harder than he has in longer than he can remember. His orgasm rushed up on him so fast, and unexpectedly, that he didn’t even have time to warn Jared. He takes all that Jensen has to offer with no trouble though, milking him dry, sucking and licking until Jensen becomes too sensitive and has to gently urge him away.

Jared rocks back onto his heels, Jensen’s cock slipping from his mouth, as he grins up at him. Jensen slides down the wall, boneless and sated, and reaches out for Jared, pulling him forward and crashing their lips together. Jared moans softly and Jensen swallows the sound as he licks his way into his boyfriend’s mouth, tasting himself on Jared’s tongue.

They trade hot, lazy kisses for a few moments but Jensen is still too out of breath and has to pull away. Instead, he rests his forehead against Jared’s and smiles blissfully, enjoying a tender moment in the afterglow. When his eyes had fallen shut, he couldn’t say, but when he opens them he realizes Jared has taken his own dick in hand and is stripping it hurriedly, clearly desperate for his own release.

Jensen knocks his hand away, making Jared whine at the loss, but Jensen is all too happy to help him out. “I got ya,” he whispers, as he takes Jared into the circle of his palm and pumps him. Jared lets out a ragged moan, his hips moving of their own volition. Jensen increases the pace, his thumb sliding over the crown on each upward stroke, reducing Jared into a panting and moaning mess in the palm of his hand.

Jared is already so close to the edge, it only takes a few rough strokes of his hand to have the shaggy-haired man coming apart, his cock spurting ropes of come onto Jensen’s shirt and fist, generally making a mess of the both of them. Later Jensen will be a little irked by this, seeing as he has no other shirts with him, but for now he is too blissed out to care.

Leaning forward, Jared presses a sweet kiss to the corner of Jensen’s mouth. “Love you, Jen.”

Jensen’s lips quirk up in a small but genuine smile, green eyes meeting hazel. “God, I love you too, Jay, so much.”

**:0Ж0:**

With the help of his friends, and money borrowed from his parents, Jared’s apartment slowly comes together. He buys a couch with a fold out bed, a television stand and coffee table, along with a few other things for his living room. He gets all the basic things one needs for their kitchen and bathroom, and most of the stuff was found at discount stores and thrift shops. None of it is the greatest, rarely matches, but it’s his and he loves it.

Jensen spends most of his time there but has yet to stay the night. Jared has asked, numerous times, but Jensen hasn’t accepted any of his offers. He tries not to let this discourage him, he knows Jensen has his reasons, and in his own time eventually he will stay the night, but it can be difficult not to let his disappointment show.

That aside, things have been going well, or about as well as they’re going to get given the circumstances. Jensen isn’t ready for any public displays of affection, but Jared hasn’t given up hope that one day he will. _Patience is a virtue_ , is what he always tells himself when in doubt.

He realizes Jensen may never feel comfortable with that, and while that thought is saddening, Jared knows he would never turn his back on Jensen. If they have to keep their relationship behind closed doors, and with friends and family, then Jared is okay with that. All he knows is he wants Jensen; he’s not going to give him up for anything.

A knock sounds at the door just as Jared’s soldier on the television screen receives a fatal gunshot wound, and he curses loudly at the game. Huffing, he throws down the controller, and walks to the door. Jensen and Chris stand on the other side with matching grins on their faces, and Jared ushers them in with a reciprocating one. As soon as the door is closed behind them, he pulls Jensen in for a kiss that lasts longer than he’d intended.

“You know I’m all for you two being together, and I know this is your place, son, but damn have some respect for the other people in the room!” Chris complains half-heartedly, not really upset or even annoyed, it’s more of a token protest meant to tease them.

Jensen pulls back with a laugh, patting Jared’s cheek and leaning in for a brief kiss. “I missed you too,” he whispers before stepping around Jared and dropping down onto the couch next to Chris.

“What brings you guys by?” Jared asks as he returns from the kitchen with three beers in hand, tossing one to Chris and handing Jensen the other.

Chris shrugs, popping the tab on his beer. “Went to pick up Jensen from his therapy session, said he wanted to be brought here, and so I figured I’d hang out for a while.”

“And how did that go?” Jared asks, taking a seat beside Jensen and wrapping his arm around his slender shoulders.

Jensen leans into the warmth of Jared’s body, calm and relaxed, looking up at him with a smile on his face. “It went real good. We talked about the usual things but talking about it came easier than before, so that’s progress. I’m also feeling better about things, have come to terms with it all and am working my way through all my fears and whatnot. I’m still not great, but I’m doing better.”

“Good, that’s the best news I’ve had all day,” Jared responds cheerily, pressing a kiss to Jensen’s forehead. “And how about the nightmares? Are those getting better?”

Jensen nods. “Haven’t had one every night anymore, more like one or two a week. Given time those will stop, or so I’m told.”

“I’m just glad things are getting better for you,” he says sincerely.

“As am I,” Chris adds in, smiling at Jensen before turning his attention to Jared. “Been meaning to ask you, how’s that search for a transmission going?”

“I actually located one for a decent price.” Jared responds, throwing his feet up onto the coffee table and making himself comfortable. “It’ll still take out a big chunk of my savings but it’ll be worth it.”

“Well once you’ve gotten it, let me know, I’ve got a friend who’s willing to do the work for half of the cost if you’re interested.”

“If I’m interested?” Jared asks disbelieving. “You’re going to save me some money, of course I’m interested!”

Chris chuckles at this exclamation, giving a short nod of his head and says he’ll hook Jared up whenever he’s ready for him to. Jared is beyond grateful for this and expresses as much, grinning at Jensen as he gives him a squeeze. He can’t help thinking this couldn’t have come at a better time; everything just seemed to be falling into place, like it was all meant to.

Shortly after this, he and Chris are engaged in a video game, both fighting to take out each other’s character, while Jensen sits back and watches on in amusement. The rest of the gang slowly trickles in, filling up the small space in a way the apartment wasn’t meant for, but no one complains. Most of them find themselves sitting on the floor while they idly chat and watch the game taking place between Jared and Chris.

“We’re like one big, happy family,” Mike speaks up unexpectedly, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

“Random, much?” Tom says incredulously, but there’s no denying the amusement swimming in his ocean blue eyes.

“I’m serious,” Mike insists, looking at each member of the group. “I don’t know what I’d do without you guys. I see you more than my real family, feel closer to you than I do to them, and I just… I don’t know, I guess I only just realized that.”

Everyone grows silent at that, and Jared can’t help but realize that Mike has a point, and he hadn’t ever thought of it like that before. But, it’s true. These people are his family, he loves them to death, and, just like Mike, he can’t imagine what he’d do without any of them.

When he moved to California, he never could have dreamed that he would have this. That the people in this room would become so important to him, enough so that they’d be like his second family.

“Aw, you’re so sentimental Mikey,” Chad teases, making a feigned disgusted expression, but Jared can see beneath it. As much as Chad avoids emotional moments like this, and prefers to turn it into an option to mock someone, Jared can see how much Mike’s words have hit home with the blonde.

“Shut up,” Mike crosses his arms with a sulk. “You know I’m right.”

“Ignore this buffoon, Mike, he just doesn’t do well with emotion.” Sophia says soothingly as she slaps Chad on the arm with a glare. “I, on the other hand, appreciate the sentiment of that statement, and completely agree with you. You guys are my family away from home, and I love you all.”

“Thank you, Soph.” Mike smiles, giving Chad a smug look. “You are definitely the better half in your relationship.”

“Don’t I know it.” Sophia rolls her eyes but softens her smile as she caresses Chad’s cheek and tells him that she loves him.

Jared watches all of this in silent amusement but his own smile grows fond when he feels a squeeze to his hand, and turns his head to find Jensen looking at him with emotional eyes. Even though the others in the room may not know it, he can tell the subject has made quite an impact on his boyfriend, who has been quite emotional since the attack.

**:0Ж0:**

“How are you doing?”

Jensen startles, turning around to find Mike standing in the doorway to the backyard where Jensen has escaped to for a little fresh air. He smiles slightly and gives a shrug, saying he’s doing alright, which to his own ears sounds redundant at this point.

“We haven’t really had much time to talk since you’ve been back, not one on one anyway,” Mike says, uncharacteristically soft as he moves to stand at Jensen’s side. “I’m glad you’re okay, Jen. When I heard about what happened I wanted to catch the first flight out. I was really scared, afraid we were all going to lose you.”

Jensen has no idea how to respond. He appreciates the words, but how does one go about responding to them? I’m sorry? Thank you? What is the appropriate response? He doesn’t know, and he feels a bit uncomfortable. Mike seems to understand though, just smiles and pulls Jensen into a brief hug. “Just don’t scare me like that again.”

“I’ll try my best,” Jensen chuckles, embracing Mike back before letting go. He looks at his friend a bit closer, frowning in concern. “I, uh… I wasn’t sure if I should ask earlier, but, where’s Kristin? I haven’t seen her at all since I got back.”

A rueful smile forms on Mike’s face. “We broke up. We hit a rough patch back around the time of your attack, tried to work our way through it, but in the end found out we couldn’t.”

Mike shrugs, as though it’s not that big of a deal, but Jensen can tell that isn’t the truth. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out, man.”

“It’s okay, I’m not that broken up about it. I think we both decided we didn’t love each other and it was time to move on. I think what I miss most is the friendship we had.”

Jensen nods, understanding that all too well. “Maybe you guys can work it out, to regain the friendship you had.”

“Yeah… maybe.” Mike looks doubtful but he smiles anyway. “Anyways, I just wanted to say I was glad you were alright, and if you ever need a friend to talk to, you know where to find me. I know I’m not the most serious one of our friends, but I can be on occasion.” He gives a wink with that, pats Jensen on the back, and then turns to head back into the apartment.

“Thanks, Mike.” He whispers after the departing man, a smile growing on his face, one of peace and contentment, but with a little bit of sadness for his friend’s failed relationship.

Jensen is startled, once more, when a pair of arms wrap around his waist. “What are you doing out here?” Jared asks, breath ghosting over the shell of Jensen’s ear, causing a shiver to run through him.

“Just getting some air,” he responds softly, leaning back against Jared’s strong chest, hands coming to rest overtop his boyfriend’s.

“You should come back inside,” he whispers, lips trailing over Jensen’s ear, drawing the lobe into his mouth and biting down gently.

A pleasant shiver runs down the length of Jensen’s spine, fighting back a moan that wants to escape. “Stop that; don’t start anything you can’t finish.” His voice comes out a bit rough with a shaky quality to it that isn't so much from pleasure than it is from fear. He resists the urge to push Jared away, put some distance between them, but it is a tough struggle.

Jared chuckles. “Who said I couldn’t finish it,” he says as he trails a hand down Jensen’s stomach and runs over the slight bulge in his jeans, palming him gently.

Jensen gasps, from both lust and fear of being seen, even though the high wooden fence hides them from anyone’s view. “Jared…” his voice wavers with uncertainty and panicked nerves. He knows what Jared is doing, testing him, seeing if he can handle this. He’s not doing it to be cruel or pushy. In his own way, he’s trying to help.

Jared makes a soft, reassuring sound. “No one can see us, Jen, it’s just you and me out here,” he whispers, not even rubbing him anymore, just resting his hand there like he is waiting for Jensen to tell him to stop or continue.

_I’m so damaged_ , he thinks despondently as he pushes Jared’s hand away and turns to face his boyfriend, shame written all over his features. “I’m sorry, Jay.”

Jared smiles softly, shaking his head. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Jen. I know it’s still too much, too soon, but I think you did great and are doing so great. You have come so far, and are handling things better than you were a few months ago, but it’s going to take a little more time.”

“But what if I never get better?” He asks desperately, the same question he has been asking nearly every day. “I want so much to hold your hand, and kiss you without fear, to be normal and what you deserve. But, I’m afraid I may never be.”

As usual, Jared just smiles again. “First off, never think you aren’t good enough or can’t be what I deserve. You are and will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Secondly, you have to give yourself time, be patient with yourself, and eventually one day you’ll be ready. But, even if you aren’t, if you never are, we’ll be okay because I’m not going anywhere. I just want to be with you, Jensen, however you will have me.”

Jared draws Jensen into his arms, holding onto him tightly, and Jensen fists his hands into the back of Jared’s shirt. He feels like crying in frustration and self-hatred, but instead he buries his face into the side of Jared’s neck and holds on tight. They stand like that for a very long time, wrapped in each other’s embrace, drawing strength and comfort from one another.


	32. Home for the Holidays

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Thirty-One:**  
 _Home for the Holidays_  
-~*~-

\- One Year Later -

“So, are you ready for the big trip back home?” Chad asks as he and Jensen clean up the shop before being allowed to head home for the night.

“Nervous, but ready,” Jensen replies honestly, focusing on wiping down the front counter with a damp rag, but most of his attention is on the conversation.

This would be his first time back in Texas since the attack, and he was filled with nervous energy just at the mere thought of it. He was excited to see his family again; anxious to spend some quality time with them after their reconciliation, and spending time with the Padalecki clan on Christmas Day was something to look forward to as well.

But, despite that, the town held bad memories as well, and going back there would be facing what happened to him. It was time that he did, would help with his recovery, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be hard. If anything, a part of him wasn’t looking forward to that aspect of the trip.

“Are you going to be okay?” Chad asks, as though he could read Jensen’s thoughts at that moment.

“Yeah, I’m going to be fine,” he replies, unconvincingly, if the expression adorning Chad’s face was anything to go by. “It’s going to be hard, sure, but Jared will be there with me. Most of our time will be spent at his family’s home. Besides, it’s about time I went back, faced my demons so to speak.”

Chad stared at him for a long moment, in thought, and then nodded. “You’ll be fine. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, man.”

Jensen wants to ask him where that came from, because he hadn’t been saying he couldn’t handle it. But, he supposes Chad knows him better than he ever realized, because for a long time now he _has_ been questioning his own strength, and doubting it. He just hasn’t said it aloud. Then again, over the course of their work relationship, their friendship has strengthened, so he shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that Chad has gotten to know him better, gotten to know his tells.

He smiles a bit to himself, not unpleased by this development in their friendship, and refocuses on the task of cleaning the coffee shop. He gets through wiping down the counters and tables, and is in the process of gathering his things to go home, when Chad stops him in his tracks.

“I asked Sophia to marry me.”

Jensen lifts his eyes to where Chad stands in the doorway to the employee room, toeing at the floor with his sneakers, not meeting Jensen’s gaze. He isn’t sure if this is going somewhere good or bad, seeing as Chad isn’t meeting his eyes. “What did she say?” He asks, almost afraid to even ask the question. He can’t imagine why Sophia would reject him, but with the way Chad is staring at the floor, it gives Jensen a bad feeling.

“She said yes, obviously.” Chad lifts his head with a beaming, if not slightly smug grin.

Jensen breathes easy with that, an answering grin forming on his own face as he reaches out and slaps Chad on the shoulder. “Congratulations, man! That’s awesome news. Have you told anyone else?”

“Yeah, Jay knows, obviously, but no one else yet.” He can’t seem to keep a smile off his face right then, and Jensen can completely understand why. He had every right to smile like a fool. “Jay’s going to be my best man, but I was wondering if you’d be one of my groomsmen?”

Jensen blinks, surprised, and asks, “Are you serious?”

Chad raises an eyebrow, frowning slightly. “Of course I’m serious. You and I have a good friendship, you know. Why wouldn’t I want you to be a groomsman?”

“No, I know that, I just… you know what, it doesn’t matter. I’d be honored, Chad.” He grins and pulls his friend into a one-armed hug.

Chad chuckles softly, patting Jensen on the back. “Glad to hear it, Jen.”

**:0Ж0:**

Now that Jared’s truck is back on the road, they drive out to Texas and arrive the day before Christmas Eve. Jensen’s mom opens the door just as they’re stepping out of the vehicle and their reunion is an emotional one, with tears in his mom’s eyes as she pulls him into her arms and embraces him tightly.

“It’s good to see you too, mom,” he whispers, feeling a bit choked up at the warm welcome.

“I’m so glad you came,” she says, not bothering to hide the tears of happiness as she pats his cheek affectionately and then turns to Jared.

Jared shifts from foot to foot nervously, and the smile on his face matches how he’s feeling, even though he is clearly trying to hide it. His apprehension was needless however; her smile is both warm and fond as she steps in his direction. “I’m glad you’re here, Jared. Thank you for bringing my boy home, it’s good to spend the holiday with family,” she says and the tone of her voice indicates that she includes Jared when she speaks of family.

The smile that graces Jared’s face is both beaming and relieved, and he appears quite shocked when Donna pulls him into a tight embrace. He quickly relaxes into the hug, large arms practically swallowing Jensen’s mom as he embraces her back. “Thank you for having me,” he replies, eyes falling to Jensen and remaining there.

“Welcome home, bro.”

Jensen grins at that voice and turns just as Mackenzie wraps her arms around him, joyful laughter right in his ears. “Hey Mack, missed you,” he speaks quietly, for her ears only, and receives a reciprocating message in return. Looking over his sister’s shoulder, standing in the doorway to his family home, he sees his dad and brother, watching with soft smiles on their faces. And, for the first time in years, it really feels good to be home.

**:0Ж0:**

“Now that’s a smile I could get used to seeing,” Jared says, looking at Jensen fondly.

The smile doesn’t fall from Jensen’s face, if anything it grows wider, when he turns his head to look directly at his boyfriend. “It just feels good to be home, to be here and be accepted by my family. I know, we made amends long ago, but even now it still feels unreal.”

“That’s not such a bad thing,” Jared says, approaching Jensen and taking his hand, entwining their fingers. “I can imagine how good this all must feel, that’s a feeling I don’t think I’d want to lose any time soon, if I were you.”

Jensen nods his head in agreement, bringing his eyes back to his family who are all gathered around the television watching A Christmas Story. It was a tradition in his family ever since he can remember, and right here, in this moment, he didn’t realize how much he had truly missed this. How much he missed doing traditional things, spending holidays together and making memories. He’d come so close to losing this, forever, but he is glad things had worked out so well. It feels even better having Jared at his side, sharing this with him.

Returning his sight to his boyfriend, he finds Jared still looking at him, a small smile touching his lips. “I love you.”

Jensen chuckles, squeezing Jared’s hand, so happy he feels he could burst with it. “I love you too.”

“Come on, lovebirds, you can have your mushy moments later!” Josh calls out to them, a smirk on his face when they both turn red. “It’s family time; get your asses over here.”

“Josh, watch your language!” His mom admonishes him and Josh instantly looks contrite, glaring at Jensen and Jared as though they are at fault for his scolding. Jensen snickers at Josh’s expense, but it dies in his throat at the words that leave his mom next, “Though to be fair, he is right. Both of your get your behinds in here, and watch the movie with your family.”

Jared smiles at him in amusement and pulls on his hand. “Come on, it’s family time.” He says this teasingly, but it’s clear that he’s enjoying this just as much as Jensen is. He leads him over to the couch Mackenzie has claimed and they drop down, side by side. Mackenzie sends them both a joyful smile, which they return, before all attention turns to the movie. _This couldn’t get any better._

**:0Ж0:**

“You guys are so cute together!” Mackenzie bursts into Jensen’s childhood room, jumping onto his bed with a beaming grin.

Jensen chuckles at her enthusiasm, shaking his head. “So you keep saying.” He smirks at his little sister before turning his attention back to his suitcase, digging through it for his nightclothes. “I’ve missed you, brat! You need to make another trip out to Cali soon, maybe during summer break, spend a week or so with me.”

Mackenzie hums under her breath all the while grinning so wide it looks as though it must hurt. “I was actually thinking the same thing, Jen. I didn’t get a proper tour the last time I was in L.A. and you know I can’t stand for that. I want to check out Hollywood, see the walk of fame, the sign, and maybe go to Universal Studios while I’m there.” With each word that escapes her mouth the more excited she becomes, and Jensen can’t help but smile in equal amounts fondness and amusement.

“We’ll make plans then, save up some money for all these things you want to do. I’m not exactly made of money, you know.” He teases lightly, his sister sticking her tongue out at him for it.

“You’ll have a few months to save up,” she says simply, not too serious but not exactly joking either.

“You’re hilarious,” he deadpans as he drops down onto the bed near her and gives a smile. “It feels like I haven’t talked to you in forever, I have no idea what’s even going on in your life anymore.”

Mackenzie smiles softly. “I’ve been thinking a lot about college. I’m going to be graduating in a couple of years and I’ve been thinking I want to learn about photography.”

“Photography? I didn’t know you were interested in that.” He frowns, thinking he should have known this already and not sure why he’s only hearing of this now.

His sister chuckles, telling him to calm down. “I only just discovered this myself. But I love taking pictures, and I think it’d be awesome to become a photographer, maybe a photographer for the stars, or a wedding photographer.”

“I think that’s a great idea, Mack. It’s good to have a plan, a goal to work toward. And, to be honest, I can see you being a photographer, whatever side of it you decide on.” He smiles encouragingly and it seems to work if the grin on her face is anything to go by.

“You wanna be my guinea pig?” She asks teasingly and he immediately shakes his head.

“Oh no, no way are you taking photos of me, I’ll break your camera lens,” he jokes good-naturedly and earns a laugh for his trouble.

“Yeah…. That’s true; I can’t have you destroying my camera!” She sighs dramatically, giggling and squirming to get away when Jensen reaches out and begins tickling her for the barb, telling her to take it back.

“ _Never_!” She dissolves into another fit of giggles, fighting desperately to get away.

“What have I walked in on?” Jared’s amused chuckles draw both siblings’ attention, giving Mackenzie the opportunity to sneak away from Jensen while he’s distracted.

“Just an old fashioned brother and sister fight,” Mackenzie grinned as she bounded over to the door and glanced back at Jensen. “I’ll leave you two alone. Night bro, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Night, Mack.” Jensen smiles.

Mackenzie says goodnight to Jared and then they are left alone in the room, Jensen smiling and Jared shaking his head in amused confusion. “Does it feel good to be back?” He asks as he crosses the distance between them and sits down on the bed.

“Yeah, it really does. I’m gonna be sad to leave tomorrow.” He sighs softly, leaning into the warmth of Jared’s side.

Jared wraps his arm around Jensen, drawing him in close. “We can stay until the next morning if you want. It would be okay to arrive at my parents’ a little later than planned.”

Jensen appreciates the offer but shakes his head. “It wouldn’t be fair to cut into your family time; your parents deserve as much time with you as my parents get with us.”

“Next year we’ll plan for a longer vacation,” Jared promises and Jensen agrees with a smile.

“I wish you were staying the night with me, I’m gonna miss having you by my side.” Jensen sighs, grabbing onto Jared and pulling them done into a lying position, curling into his boyfriend’s side. Jensen had gotten into the habit of spending almost every night at Jared’s apartment, he was hardly ever at his dorm unless it was for a change of clothes, and even then, some of his things had migrated to Jared’s.

“I know, me too, but we have to respect your parents’ wishes. They want us in separate rooms and I don’t want to do anything to make them uncomfortable, or angry with us.” Jared says softly, putting his hand beneath Jensen’s chin and gently lifting until their eyes meet. “It’s only one night, I’m sure we’ll manage.”

“I know you’re right, but I don’t have to be happy about it,” Jensen pouts childishly, fighting not to smile when Jared chuckles and tells him to stop sulking. “I’m so used to sleeping by you, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”

“Well, if that’s the case, you know where to find me. I’ll be out on the couch, waiting for you, likely wide awake too.” Jared laughs softly, leaning in and brushing their lips together.

Jensen sighs into the kiss, pressing in a little closer as he opens his mouth just as Jared opens his, their tongues meeting halfway. Jared’s hand falls to Jensen’s ass, grabbing hold and pulling, both of them breathing heavily as they make out for a few minutes. They know they can’t let it go any further, but that doesn’t mean they don’t take the time to enjoy the moment, sharing deep and thorough kisses until they have to say goodnight.

**:0Ж0:**

As predicted, Jensen hadn’t slept well, falling asleep sometime around three o’clock. When he awakens the next morning, he is still groggy and in an irritable mood, but after a couple cups of strong coffee he starts to feel more like himself again.

The day is packed with events that he and Jared know will leave them exhausted, but they throw themselves wholeheartedly into it, starting off with a big family breakfast before heading into town, to the playhouse, where they watch a Christmas play that the town has every year. Jared watches with rapt attention, and Jensen spends most of the time with his eyes on his boyfriend, a small smile playing on his lips.

Afterwards they all return to the house, and his mom plays Christmas music. This is the one part of their tradition Jensen has never been fond of. He hates Christmas music, but Jared throws himself into the holiday cheer and sings along with nearly every song. This does wonders with Jensen’s mom, who is just as enthusiastic about the music as Jared is.

During that time, Jensen spends most of his time chatting with Mackenzie and Josh, catching up with them and what they have going on in their lives. It feels good to spend time with them, just talking and picking at each other, as siblings are wont to do.

He even gets in some time with his dad, who is cordial and tells Jensen repeatedly just how proud of him he is. Jensen can sense some remaining guilt in his dad, which is why he is constantly telling him how proud he is and how fine of a man Jared is, so Jensen can’t get annoyed by it. In fact, it is nice hearing all the compliments in comparison to how their relationship had previously been. It makes him appreciate it more.

As their visit comes to a close, Jensen grows melancholy, reluctant to leave. The family dinner is lovely though, and as they sit down by the tree to exchange gifts he throws himself into the moment and doesn’t give himself time to dwell over their approaching departure.

“You call me as soon as you get there, and let me know you boys arrived safely,” his mom tells them firmly, tears in her eyes as she hugs each of them in turn.

“I will, mom, I promise,” Jensen replies, his voice equally tearful as he hugs each of his family members goodbye, promising to keep in touch and visit again as soon as he can.

Mackenzie holds onto him the longest, not wanting to see him go but knowing he can’t stay. He wishes he could bring her along but tells himself, and her, that they will get together soon. “Maybe you’ll see me this summer,” she says with a smile and Jensen holds her to that.

They climb into Jared’s vehicle, waving their goodbyes, and Jensen watches his home until it disappears from sight.

**:0Ж0:**

Jared practically jumps from the truck as soon as it’s in park and the engine is shut off, Megan already having run out of the house to meet her brother halfway, jumping into his arms for a ‘welcome home’ embrace. Jensen is standing off to the side watching with a serene smile on his face and Jared closes his eyes, happy to be home with his family, and with his boyfriend at his side. Everything is right in Jared’s world and he couldn’t be happier.

His mom approaches him at a slower pace but is equally excited to see him, and Jensen. She pulls each of them into hugs and fawns over them as she leads them into the warmth of the Padalecki house. The place smells of spicy pumpkin and Jared’s stomach immediately shows its pleasure, to the amusement of everyone within hearing distance.

He practically moans, unabashedly. “Please tell me that’s pumpkin bread!”

“Now what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t bake pumpkin bread for my son on Christmas?” She asks with a teasing smirk on her face.

Jared all but begs his mom to cut him a slice, all the while telling Jensen how good it is, and how much he’s going to love it. “You’re in for a real treat, Jen. My mom bakes the best pumpkin bread in all of San Antone.” He continues to boast, Sharon looking upon him with a mixture of amusement and pleasure.

“My son exaggerates,” she tells Jensen with a roll of her eyes.

Jensen chuckles, giving her a look of disbelief. “You forget, I’ve tasted your baked goods. I do believe he may be telling the absolute truth here.”

An honest to God blush appears on his mom’s cheeks, and Jared has to snicker. “Aw Jensen, you flatter me,” she says with a pleased smile.

“Jensen’s a suck up,” Jared teases, nudging Jensen in the side.

“Jared Tristan, don’t be mean to your boyfriend!” His mom scolds, throwing a potholder at him with a grin. “For that comment, Jensen, you get two slices. You’re so thin; I think two helpings would do you some good anyway.”

Jared gapes at his mother, turning the expression to Jensen and then back again before scoffing. “I see what you did there, Jen, buttering up my mom in hopes of getting two slices!” He laughs jovially, to which Jensen blushed slightly and slapped Jared on the shoulder. “Sneaky!”

“Shut up!” Jensen laughs, hiding his face, which just causes everyone in the room to laugh heartily.

Despite the late hour, neither of them is in too much of a hurry to go to bed, so they sit themselves down at the kitchen table and wait patiently - or impatiently in Jared’s case - for their promised pumpkin bread.

His mom brings over two plates, each with two slices of the sweet bread, and places them down in front of two guys. Jared digs into his immediately, while Jensen takes a slower approach. Sharon watches on with a pleased expression on her face, always glad to see her baked goods appreciated.

Jared finishes his well before Jensen does, even then Jared snags a few bites from Jensen’s as well, despite his token protests and teasing from Jeff. “How is it you don’t weight three hundred pounds with all you stuff your face with?” Jensen rolls his eyes, earning a snicker from Jeff and a smirk from Megan.

“I’m a growing boy, with a nicely high metabolism.” Jared grins smugly, popping the last piece of Jensen’s bread into his mouth.

“Enjoy it while it lasts, kiddo, it’ll catch up with you.” His dad warns him with a chuckle but Jared just shrugs it off. He’s not too worried.

“You boys must be exhausted after the drive here, I’ve already set up the guest room for you,” his mom says to Jensen as she takes their plates to the sink.

“Thanks ma’am.” Jensen says politely, but Jared already anticipated his mom’s response to this.

“Now, what did I tell you about that, Jensen? It’s Sharon, or Sherry, to you. We’re all family here, and well beyond strangers. We’re on a first name basis only, young man.” She scolds gently, a soft smile aimed Jensen’s way. Jensen laughs softly, apologizing and promises to remember that in the future.

Jared smiles at his boyfriend, leaning back in his seat to enjoy the picture unfolding in front of him. It feels good to have Jensen here with him, sharing the holidays with his family, not having to hide their relationship. It is what he’d wanted all along but was too afraid to reach for. It may have taken them a long while, and an extra bumpy road to reach this point, but he is so very grateful for it.

**:0Ж0:**

The following morning dawns far too early for Jared, having only gotten a few hours of sleep at best, but he still feels pretty good. He crawls, sluggishly, from the warm covers of his bed, and pads barefoot out into the hall. Sounds of life can be heard downstairs, so he knows his family is awake. He makes a quick stop in the bathroom before joining them, finding his mom in the kitchen slaving over a hearty breakfast.

His dad and siblings are in the living room, watching the parade on the television, but Jensen is nowhere in sight. This isn’t unusual; the guy is not a morning person by any means. _I’m gonna have to coax him out of bed_ , he thinks with a grin, one his mom catches. “I don’t even want to know what brought on _that_ smile but don’t you think about doing anything under my roof. Today is family time, and breakfast is almost ready to be served, so you go get your boy. And if you’re not in my kitchen in ten minutes, I’ll send someone to look for you.” She warns, a smirk playing on her face as Jared blushes, just imagining the embarrassment of being caught by one of his family members.

“I wouldn’t dream of it! What do you take me for?” He asks cheekily, narrowly dodging the potholder aimed for his head, his mom’s laughter following him out of the kitchen.

Jensen is snuggled beneath a pile of blankets, completely dead to the world, when Jared lets himself into the guestroom. He smiles at the sight as he lowers himself to sit on the edge of the bed, reaching out to touch Jensen’s shoulder and shake him lightly. “Earth to, Jen. It’s time to wake up sleepyhead.”

After a couple more shakes, Jensen releases an unintelligible grumble, burrowing further into the blankets and edging away from Jared’s annoying hands. Chuckling, Jared grabs hold of the blankets and tugs them down, exposing Jensen to the chilly air. Letting out a slight yelp from the sudden change in temperature, Jensen looks over his shoulder to glare at Jared.

“Come on grumpy pants, mom has breakfast waiting and you know you don’t want to leave her waiting. You care too much about making a good impression,” he laughs, nudging at his sleepy, irritated boyfriend.

“Not at the break of dawn, I don’t.” Jensen attempts to get the blankets back up over his body but fails, and Jared just smirks at the glare leveled at him.

“It’s nine o’clock in the morning, Jen, by far the break of dawn,” he teases, rubbing at Jensen’s arm before lowering himself down to wrap himself around his boyfriend. “I promise lots of coffee if you get out of bed,” he bribes, placing soft but chaste kisses to the back of Jensen’s neck.

Jensen makes a soft sound as he rolls over onto his side, facing Jared, reaching up to run his fingers through thick brown hair. “Fine, but I’m only getting up because of the coffee.” He smiles indulgently, leaning in to place a kiss to Jared’s cheek. This is not enough for Jared however, who leans in to kiss Jensen’s sleep warm lips.

Jensen pulls away before their lips can make contact, protesting about his morning breath, but Jared doesn’t care about that and pulls him in for a good morning kiss regardless. The moment their lips make contact Jensen’s reserves fall apart, and he presses in closer to Jared, deepening the kiss without adding any tongue.

They trade lazy kisses, neither rushed or with intentions to take it further, just enjoying the quiet moment between them. It quickly ends, however, the moment the door flies open with a bang. The sound loud enough to have them jumping apart, their hearts beating hard in their chests. Jeff stands in the doorway, unable to contain his laughter at their expense, nearly doubling over with it.

“It’s not that funny, Jeff,” Jared whines, throwing an arm over his eyes in embarrassment.

“You should’ve seen your faces,” Jeff says through pants of laughter, almost unable to get the words out in his fit.

“God, and you’re always calling _me_ the immature one.” Jared rolls his eyes as he climbs off of the bed, but can’t quite fight back the grin forming on his own face.

“Why don’t we all agree on the fact that you’re both immature?” Ericka, Jeff’s fiancée appears in the doorway behind him, looking at each of them in fond exasperation.

“I can get behind that,” Jensen pipes up.

Jared gapes at Jensen for a moment before glaring at his boyfriend. “Traitor,” he mumbles under his breath, but Jensen just sends him a beaming smile as he, too, climbs out of bed and approaches Ericka.

“Let’s leave these two idiots to calm down, and take the time for you and me to get to know each other a little better.” Ericka proposes, and Jensen takes her up on the offer, sending Jared a smile as he leaves the room.

**:0Ж0:**

Ericka hadn’t been there during their last visit home, having been out of town visiting her own family for the holidays, but she and Jensen seemed to get along like two peas in a pod. Jared was glad they were both there and got along so well. They were a part of the Padalecki family now, but they were brought into it, outsiders in the beginning, so in this way they had that in common. They gave each other someone to talk to; someone who understood what it was like to be brought into the madness.

Jared smiled fondly, turning away from where they sat on the couch talking and laughing, to find Jeff watching them with a similar grin. This felt nice, he had to admit, both his and his brother’s significant others’ getting along so well. It made him wish he lived closer to home, where he and his brother’s family could get together during random times, and just hang out together whenever they felt like it. Maybe even do things together, family outings or just go hang out at the bar and have fun.

_Maybe one day_ , he tells himself, though deep down, he highly doubts it. He and Jensen are too happy in California, and with what happened here during their last visit, he knows this isn’t a place Jensen would like to be full-time. The thought makes him sad, yet another thing those assholes had to ruin, but he supposes things could be worse.

“You did real well, Jare.” His brother speaks up; breaking the silence they’d been sharing since they had joined the rest of the family in the living room. “Jensen’s a great guy, and I can tell you two are perfect for each other.” He turns to give his little brother a genuine smile that has Jared’s chest tightening with warmth from the praise. “I’m glad to see you’re finally happy.”

“I am happy, real happy,” he responds quietly, realizing just how true that is. He’s always been a fairly happy person, with a happy-go-lucky attitude towards life - minus the time in his life where confusion and fear turned his personality into something even _he_ hadn’t recognized. “I can’t remember ever being this happy.”

“That’s because I don’t think you ever were,” Jeff tells him seriously. “Not to say you weren’t happy, but there’s being content with life and there’s finding the person who makes life worth living. They give your life meaning, and purpose, they show you a side of life, and yourself, that you never knew existed.”

Jared is well aware that his brother is speaking of Ericka, and it makes him smile, knowing his brother has found someone, someone that tamed him and is making him the family man everyone knew he could be. It is good to see that both his and Jeff’s lives are falling into place, moving them forward.

“I just wanted you to know that I’m happy for you, bro. And I love ya,” he says without looking at his brother and Jared, again, feels his chest tightening with emotion. His brother isn’t the type for emotional displays, doesn’t say I love you lightly, or often at all, so when those words leave his mouth, they are sincere and something to be cherished.

Jeff is up, and walking towards his fiancée, before Jared even has fully taken in what was just said. A smile touches his lips though. “Yeah, I love you too,” he whispers.

**:0Ж0:**

They do their own exchanging of gifts, well after breakfast has been served and the parade ended. Sitting around the Christmas tree, watching the smiles of happiness and gratitude passed his way, as his family opens the gifts he bought for them is his favorite part of the holiday.

Megan gushes over the handbag she had been telling Jared about for months, while Jeff and Ericka thank them for the wall gallery frame and set of pub glasses, something Jeff had recently started collecting. When his parents receive the paid trip to the day spa and reservations to their favorite restaurant in town, they each are pulled into tight embraces, words of appreciation whispered into their ears.

Each member of the family is engrossed with their new possessions, so Jared turns to Jensen and hands him the gifts he’d bought. Both had decided to wait until Christmas day before exchanging their gifts and Jared was excited about it, knowing his boyfriend would be pleased with what he’d gotten. Being the only one privy to the fact that Jensen has been juggling with the idea of writing a book, he buys him a new laptop equipped with Microsoft Office and a copy of Oscar Wilde’s The Ballad of Reading Gaol.

“Ironic, I bought you a book too,” Jensen smirks, handing over the wrapped gift.

Jared rolls his eyes. “Thanks for ruining the surprise, Jen,” he teases, tearing into the wrapping paper and holding up a copy of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. He can’t help but to laugh when he sees it, shaking his head as he smiles fondly at the man seated beside him. “Gee, I get you a sophisticated book, by Oscar Wilde no less, and you get me a children’s book!”

Jensen smirks, reaching out to squeeze Jared’s hand. “We all know you’re a five year old living in the body of a man.” Everyone in the room laughs at that, nodding their agreement, and Jared can’t even argue. He just smiles, chuckling under his breath. “This is great, Jen. It was my favorite book when I was a kid; I’d always planned on buying it one day, but just never got around to it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jensen responds with an affectionate smile as he hands over one last gift-wrapped box. “Don’t worry, that wasn’t all I got you. I’m sure you’ll appreciate this more.”

“No, I actually really do appreciate the book, it was very thoughtful,” he reassures, even as he’s ripping off the wrapping paper of the second present, something that has Jensen smirking again. The moment he sees the professional grade camera equipment he practically throws himself at Jensen, all the while taking great care in ensuring the precious gift isn’t thrown from his lap in his haste to get to his boyfriend.

He holds onto Jensen, pressing chaste kisses to his lips, unthinking, while repeatedly thanking him. Jensen whispers an embarrassed, “you’re welcome,” but Jared already has his eyes back on the gift lying on his lap, staring at it in wonder. “This must’ve cost you a fortune, Jen!”

Jensen shrugged it off, trying to be nonchalant about it. “It was worth every penny,” he responds sincerely, a shy but pleased smile gracing his face. “I know you’re passionate about photography, enough to switch your major, so I figured this would go a long way towards your dream job.”

“I just…” he trails off in wonderment, eyes falling to Jensen, an emotion so strong in his chest that it feels tight. “Thank you, this is wonderful, Jen. Just, thank you for doing this for me.”

Jensen just shrugs again, that shy but pleased smile still on his face. “It’s nothing much, and it was the least I could do, but you’re welcome, Jay.”

Jared leans in to whisper in his boyfriend’s ear, “Thanks for supporting me,” and Jensen turns his face to press a soft kiss to Jared’s lips. “Always,” he responds just as quietly.

**:0Ж0:**

It is nearing ten o’clock at night, a few hours after they had settled in for dinner, when Jared finds Jensen slipping into his room looking fidgety and nervous. He sits up in bed immediately, instantly concerned, and urges Jensen over to him with a rolling motion of his wrist.

Jensen crosses the distance in a few strides, dropping down onto the bed, still fully clothed. Jared frowns at this, cocking his head to the side questioningly. They’d retired to bed, knowing they had to be back on the road tomorrow in the early afternoon, and wanted to get enough rest before then. So, why he Jensen not dressed for bed?

“Is everything okay?” He asks, reaching out to thread their fingers together.

“If I ask you to go somewhere with me, will you not question me until I’m ready to explain?” Jensen asks chewing on his cuticle with edgy eyes staring into Jared’s concerned hazel.

Jared swallows thickly, wanting answers now but knowing he probably shouldn’t push Jensen right now. “This is one of those times when I’m gonna have to be patient, isn’t it?” He asks, even though he already knows the answer.

Jensen nods slowly, eyes falling to the blanket covering Jared’s bed. He waits another moment before getting up from the bed, and walking to the door. “I’ll be downstairs,” he says, turning to lock eyes with Jared, before slipping from the room.

Jared sighs softly, running a hand down the length of his face, before he climbs out of bed to get redressed. As promised, Jensen is waiting patiently for him downstairs, with the Montero keys clutched in his right hand. Jared hadn’t even seen him take them from the nightstand but he doesn’t think too much on it, just obediently follows Jensen out into the night.

They drive for a while, Jared curious and growing impatient, Jensen resolutely silent and clearly determined. Jared alternates between watching the street lights pass by and looking at Jensen’s stony face. He has a good idea where they are headed and is unsure how to feel about it. _Jensen needs this_ , he acknowledges, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Before long, they pull up to the construction site, which is now a supermarket. Jensen’s hands clench on the steering wheel as he gazes out the windshield, his eyes a mixture of emotions. It hurts for Jared to see him like this, waning between pain, anger, and disappointment. It’s been nearly two years, and the sight of the attack isn’t how Jensen remembers it. The ground now innocuous, showing no evidence of the horror that had taken place.

Turning off the engine, Jensen climbs out of the driver seat, shutting the door behind him. Jared follows him out, moving around the vehicle to stand at his boyfriend’s side, looking at him worriedly. He doesn’t speak though, giving Jensen time to get his thoughts in order, letting him break the silence whenever he is ready to.

“I… I don’t know what I was expecting,” Jensen whispers, hands shaking slightly, and he flexes them into fists. “But, I felt like I needed to come here, needed to face my demons.”

“I get it, Jen. You don’t have to explain,” Jared responds just as softly. “I know you needed to come back to where it all happened, where it all started, but…” His eyes slide back over to the supermarket, standing unoffending a few feet in front of them. “I’m not sure you’re going to find whatever you’re looking for,” he says this as gently as he can, unsure how easily Jensen can be riled up or put on the defensive right now.

Jensen is silent for a moment, biting down on his bottom lip, eyes slowly building up with tears that Jared wants to wipe away. He hates how much this still affects Jensen, how much of a role it plays in his boyfriend’s life. To move on from this isn’t an easy feat, Jared knows that, but he wishes, for Jensen’s sake, that he could put this behind him once and for all, let himself heal.

Jensen finally shakes his head, a few tears sliding down his cheeks, but he is smiling, albeit tiny, and Jared is glad to see it. “It doesn’t matter that the scenery has changed, I know what’s underneath the concrete and tile. I know what tainted the ground, and for me… I think I could still gain some closure by coming here, even if it doesn’t look the same as I remember it.”

Jared nods perceptively, somewhat understanding what Jensen means by this. “And how do you feel?” He asks quietly, eyes searching out Jensen’s, wanting more than anything to wipe away the tear tracks staining Jensen’s cheeks, but knowing Jensen would flinch away. “Do you feel better?”

“A little, but not really,” Jensen laughs, and it’s a tearful sound. “I do feel good about coming here, facing what happened, saying that it can’t have control over me… metaphorically speaking,” he chuckles, a brighter smile taking place of the tiny one, “and that’s good enough for me.”

Smiling, Jared brushes their arms together, needing to touch Jensen for reassurance, even just a brushing of arms. “I’m proud of you, Jensen. You sure have come a long way.”

“You know what? I’m a little proud of myself too.” Jensen laughs, and shocks Jared when he reaches down and grabs his hand, entwining their fingers.

Jared can tell, just by the look in Jensen’s eyes, that he is terrified, but he doesn’t let go of Jared’s hand. If anything, he holds on tighter. It’s not much, just holding hands, but to Jared, and to Jensen, it’s everything.


	33. Could Not Ask For More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I apologize for the delay in updates, my computer had to be repaired after a virus wreaked havoc on it. Things are back to normal though and the last chapter will follow shortly after this one.

-~*~-  
 **Chapter Thirty-Two:**  
 _Could Not Ask For More_  
-~*~-

\- Two Years Later -

The ceremony is beautiful, and Sophia looks breathtaking in her bridal gown. Even Chad looks classy and sophisticated on his wedding day, in a sleek black tuxedo with his hair styled back.

It took two years to get them here, with doubts and the engagement called off once, but finally the day had come and all involved were pleased to see they had made it. Despite all they had gone through, and put each other through, it was clear to everyone that they were perfect for each other. Once Chad had proposed, everyone had realized just how inevitable it was all along.

Jensen stands up with Jared at Chad’s side as he and Sophia exchange their vows, both looking happier than he had ever seen them, with tears of joy lining Sophia’s eyes. Afterwards, Jared gives his speech as the best man, and Allison does the same, before everyone takes to the dance floor.

Neither being much for dancing, Jensen opts to find himself a glass of champagne while Jared goes to congratulate Chad. Sophia is at Jensen’s side not long after, asking for a glass as well.

“It’s a lovely wedding, Soph,” he says between sips of his drink. “I’m so happy for you.”

Sophia smiles serenely, reaching out with open arms to hug him gently. “Thanks, Jen. It all still feels like a dream.”

“Well, bask in it, Soph. You deserve it,” he tells her honestly, placing a soft kiss to her cheek before taking a step back with a smile.

“When am I gonna get the chance to be a grooms-maid?” Sophia teases, mirth shining in her eyes.

Jensen nearly chokes on the champagne he had been in the middle of taking a drink of, coughing into his fist while attempting to laugh at the same time. It is no easy feat. “I doubt that will happen any time soon, Soph, if ever.”

A frown quickly takes place of the teasing smile on Sophia’s face, and Jensen is quick to explain his reaction. “California may be a liberal state, Soph, but it has yet to legalize gay marriage. In that case, I don’t see it happening any time soon for Jared and me. Besides, it’s still too soon to be thinking about things like that.”

Sophia rolls her eyes at this, giving Jensen a ‘don’t bullshit me’ expression. “You two have been together for years, Jensen. The time before the breakup counts as well, you know. I’m sure it’d be more than acceptable to at least be considering the idea.”

“Today is your day, you should be focusing on that and nothing else,” he argues with a shake of his head, though a smile does appear on his face, to which Sophia returns with a dazzling one of her own.

She agrees with an exaggerated sigh. “Okay, fine, I’ll let you get away with it just this once,” an evil smile grows on her face as she grabs him by the hand and drags him towards the dance floor, “but only if you dance with me.”

Jensen instantly protests but knows his attempts at getting out of this are futile. Sophia is determined to get him to dance, and she almost always gets her way. Besides, it is her wedding day; he figures he should face the situation and give her one dance.

Wrapping his arms around her petite frame, they move slowly to the music, a dazzling smile on her face as she places her hands on his biceps and presses the side of her face into his chest. It’s not so bad, slow dancing, this he can do. Not to mention, dancing with his best friend is no hardship.

“I’m glad you’re here, sharing this day with me, Jen. To be honest, I never thought I’d get married,” she admits with a soft chuckle. “It was just never something I wanted.”

Jensen can’t hide his surprise at this new information. Sophia had always struck him as the type who had her wedding day planned out since she was a small girl. “I thought you always wanted to settle down.”

“I wanted to settle down one day, sure, but I never cared for the idea of marriage,” she confesses, lifting her head to meet his questioning stare. “I saw what marriage did to my parents and I wanted no part of it.”

Jensen nods his head, somewhat understanding. “So what made you change your mind?”

A fond smile forms on her face, as her eyes search out Chad, who stands across the room next to Jared. “Chad did. It’s kind of funny because, when we first started dating, I never would’ve dreamed that I would care so much for him. In all honesty, I thought he’d be my college boyfriend, the one I’d have many experiences with, but it wouldn’t be serious.” Chuckling softly, she brings her eyes back to Jensen. “Life sure has its way of surprising you, eh?”

Jensen smiles, nodding his head. “It sure does.”

“I can’t imagine my life without him now,” she whispers, resting her head back against Jensen’s chest as they move slowly to the rhythm of the music.

_I know how you feel_ , he thinks to himself, eyes drifting over to a smiling Jared, unable to pull his gaze away.

**:0Ж0:**

“Do you mind if I cut in?” Chad asks, grinning from ear to ear.

Jensen smiles back, shaking his head as he releases Sophia and takes a step back. Sophia gracefully falls into step with Chad, both of them lost to one another, everyone else falling into the background. Jensen tries to slide off the dance floor unnoticed, but before he can make his escape, a hand closes over his wrist and pulls him into a sturdy chest.

Jared’s smiling eyes greet him when he lifts his head. “Where do you think you’re going?” He asks wrapping his strong arms around Jensen’s waist and pulling him until their bodies are flush together.

“You know I don’t dance,” he tries to protest, but it is more of a token one. He’s all too happy to share a dance with Jared at the wedding, even if he’s no good at dancing.

“One dance won’t kill you,” Jared chuckles as he starts to move with the tone of the music, bringing Jensen along with him.

“Fine, I guess I can give you one dance. If I step all over your feet though, don’t say I didn’t warn you!” Jensen grins, wrapping his arms around Jared’s neck, his fingers running along his boyfriend’s nape, feeling the fine hairs there.

“You seemed to be doing just fine with Sophia,” Jared points out. “I think I can handle your two left feet.”

“Don’t be so sure, I hear they are deadly weapons,” Jensen teases back, unable to keep a smile off his face.

“You’re the only one with that opinion, Jen,” Jared replies, mock-exasperation in his tone, before he grows serious. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

He nods. “I am. It’s a really nice wedding. The company isn’t so bad either; I could’ve had a worse date.” He smiles, leaning in closer to Jared, smelling his aftershave and cologne.

Jared chuckles at this, shaking his head, humming under his breath. “I suppose I couldn’t have asked for a better date, myself. Just don’t let him see me dancing with you, he may get jealous.”

Jensen rolls his eyes, a laugh falling from smiling lips. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you to hide if I see him coming.”

“Good, ‘cause one look at you and me will give away just how much I am in love with you,” Jared says softly, arms tightening around Jensen’s waist.

Eyes softening, Jensen runs a hand down Jared’s face, cupping his jaw. “I love you too, Jay,” he says, as he leans in and kisses him softly.

The kiss lasts only a couple of seconds but it is heartfelt and sincere, leaving both of them sporting dopey smiles on their faces as they finish their dance.

**:0Ж0:**

“Have fun in Barbados!” Allison calls after the happy couple excitedly, not entirely out of character for her, but still more enthusiastic than normal. Weddings had a way of bringing that out in people, though, Jensen knew.

Chad and Sophia never would have been able to afford a nice honeymoon, much less, one in Barbados, but it was their wedding gift from Sophia’s parents, and they were heading out right after the reception.

They each hugged their guests, thanking them for coming, and smiled their appreciation for each congratulation that were sent their way. Jared and Jensen embraced their friends tightly, telling them to have a great time, and that they would be missed while they were away.

“Do your best not to cry too much while I’m gone!” Chad tells them dramatically, and in typical Chad fashion, a smirk to go along with the words. “We all know you wouldn’t know what to do with yourselves without me.”

Jared rolls his eyes, pushing Chad away from him. “Get the hell outta here, and don’t come back without my souvenir!” He jokes, both of them smiling and waving as their friends get into the rented limo.

Once their friends are gone and out of sight, Jared turns to Jensen, looking a tad nervous. Frowning, Jensen tilts his head, hand lifting to rest on Jared’s arm, a little worried for his boyfriend. Jared does his best to smile it off, but his eyes still speak of nerves and the slight wavering of his smile does nothing to ease Jensen’s worry.

“What’s wrong?” Jensen asks when he can no longer handle the silence.

Jared lets out a huff of hair, reaching up to brush his hair back out of his face. “Nothing’s wrong, I just…” He looks at Jensen then, searchingly. “Can I show you something?”

All Jensen can do is nod his head, still worried about his boyfriend, afraid something might be going on with him. He doesn’t question though, just follows Jared over to the Montero parked in the parking lot, and climbs into the passenger seat.

They drive in silence for a long while, the soft sound coming from the radio the only thing shared between them. Jared still looks as nervous as he had before, and Jensen is still filled with worry. It isn’t a good feeling, and he just wants to reach out to his boyfriend, force him to tell him what is going on. He doesn’t though, just slinks back into his seat and remains quiet, alternating between gazing out the windshield and sending Jared worried glances.

Jared takes a sudden turn off the freeway, down a long road leading to the outskirts of Los Angeles. Jensen frowns, curious as to why they are going to Glendale, but one look at Jared’s tight-lipped expression tells him that he won’t be getting any answers out of his boyfriend, not now at least. So, instead, he does his best to wait as patiently as he possibly can.

They don’t drive for much longer, though to Jensen it feels like forever, until Jared is pulling down a residential street, and pulling into a long driveway surrounded by trees. Once they reach a break in the trees, a beautiful log style cabin appears, and Jensen can’t draw his eyes away from it.

He finds it a little strange, a log cabin out here, in a place they generally are not to be found, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is gorgeous. Whoever owns the place has certainly given it love, because even though the wood is a little weather-beaten, the maintenance has clearly been kept up on the place.

Jared turns off the engine and, without a word, opens his door to get out. “What are we doing here?” Jensen asks, unbuckling his seat belt and following Jared out of the vehicle.

“This is my Uncle’s place,” he explains, moving around the truck to stand at Jensen’s side. “He’s moving back to Texas, and renting this place out before he goes. I… told him that I was interested,” he says, with a nervous smile, as he holds up a set of keys.

“You’re moving here?” Jensen asks in wonder, following Jared up the sturdy wood stairs leading to the front porch, eyes falling to the porch swing on the left side, and the set of chairs with matching table on the right. “Was this a spur of the moment thing, or have you known this for a while?”

“It’s been in the works for a while, but nothing has been made concrete,” Jared explains, unlocking the door and pushing it open, motioning for Jensen to step inside.

Jensen steps into the foyer, eyes sweeping over the main room as he steps further into the house, taken in by the sheer homely feeling of the place. The place is furnished, which Jared says will stay that way because his uncle won’t be taking any of it with him. A couple of painting’s line the walls, a stone fireplace with mantel takes up one side of the living room, the couch and chairs placed strategically around it.

An island bar sections off the kitchen from the living room, with stools placed around it evenly and overhead lights hanging down from the ceiling. The kitchen table is small but big enough to sit four people, and is made of wood to match the rest of the décor of the house. The kitchen itself isn’t very big but it is spacious, with plenty of cupboard and counter space.

A soft touch to the inside of his wrist draws his attention to his boyfriend, smiling a bit sheepishly at how absorbed he had become. “Come, check out the upstairs,” Jared says with a smile gracing his lips, taking hold of Jensen’s wrist and leading him to the staircase just to the left of the kitchen.

He is quiet as he walks up the steps, reaching the landing a moment later and motioning for Jared to give him the rest of the tour. One of the rooms was turned into a home office, something both Jared and Jensen like about it. There isn’t anything particularly special about the room, with a desk, a loveseat and a comfortable looking chair with an end table beside it. “I think I’d enjoy taking photographs here for my portfolio,” Jared says, walking to the window and looking outside. “There’s so much to explore, so much nature to catch on film.”

“The area is beautiful,” Jensen replies with a smile, “an aspiring photographer’s dream.”

Jared sent him a beaming grin of agreement, grabbing him by the wrist once more and pulling him out of the room. “Now for the best part,” he says as he pulls Jensen into the master bedroom.

“Are you sure the living room wasn’t the best part?” Jensen asks, allowing himself to be tugged along.

Jared chuckles softly. “You haven’t seen the bedroom yet.”

Jensen must admit that Jared has a point, once he lays eyes on the master bedroom. The color scheme is rich in tone, all wood browns and dark red with beige carpeting, unlike the rest of the house with its polished wood flooring. The room is only big enough for a full size bed, something Jensen isn’t sure Jared will be able to deal with, but it looks comfortable and his boyfriend doesn’t seem to be complaining as he drops down onto it.

The room is just as gorgeous as the rest of the house, but what sells it for Jensen is the personal fireplace in the bedroom. He can just imagine, a cold winter’s night, snuggled up with Jared in front of the fireplace drinking hot cocoa. _Can’t say I’m not a hopeless romantic_ , he rolls his eyes at himself but smiles fondly at Jared who gives him a look full of questioning.

“This place is perfect, Jay,” he tells him, moving to sit beside Jared on the bed, taking his hand and entwining their fingers. “How can you afford it though?”

Jared sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, glancing around the room, seemingly to avoid Jensen’s eyes. “It helps that it’s my uncle’s place, but even so, it’d be tight with just me.” He drops his eyes down to the hands; thumb caressing the back of Jensen’s hand soothingly. “You’d be well within your rights to say no, I’m putting no pressure on you. If you don’t want to, we’ll leave this house behind and never think about it again. But, I want you to move, in here, with me.”

Jensen sucks in a breath, eyes searching out Jared’s, needing him to look at him. He isn’t altogether surprised to hear this, as Jared spoke he kind of figured this was where the conversation was heading, but it is still heart stopping to hear the words. There is honestly nothing to think about, he had fallen in love with the house the moment he stepped foot inside, and there’s not a single doubt in his mind that he wants to live with Jared, make this place their home.

“If you don’t want to it’s okay, my uncle can always rent it out to someone else. I just thought…” Jared trails off, shrugging helplessly. “I’d love for this to be home, our home. Between my income and yours, we could make this happen. And it’s not all that far from the college, we could still get there with no trouble…”

“Jared,” Jensen stops him from rambling any further, placing a finger to his lips. “You don’t have to convince me, I love this place, and I’d love to live here with you.”

A slow smile grows on Jared’s face as these words register. “Really?” He asks quietly, as though afraid to hope.

“Definitely,” Jensen nods with a responding smile on his own face. “Let’s do it.”

**:0Ж0:**

“Is this the last of the boxes?” Jared asks, carrying what he hopes to be the last of Jensen’s things. Jensen didn’t have too much to pack and move, living in a dorm room will do that. It had actually been Jared’s possessions that took the longest to pack, and move out to the new house, with everything he’d bought during his time with Chris and Steve, and at his own apartment.

“Yep, I am officially moved out of the dorm,” Jensen says, pressing a kiss to Jared’s lips as he took the two boxes from his hands. With a grin, he carries the boxes labeled ‘bedroom’ up to the second floor and drops them carefully down into a corner of the bedroom where most of his things have piled up.

Jared joins him in the bedroom a moment later, holding a box that had mistakenly been left in the living room. “Should I order a pizza for dinner?” He asks, handing the box off to Jensen. “I don’t know about you, but after all the moving we’ve done, I don’t feel up to cooking a meal.”

Jensen nods as he opens a box and peers inside, finding some of his clothes folded neatly inside. “Pizza and beer sounds awesome to me, and maybe a film.” He tosses his head back to look at Jared, a grin in place.

Reaching out to run his fingers through Jensen’s hair, Jared leans down for a kiss that lasts much longer than his back appreciates. “Okay I’ll go call it in,” he says as he straightens, his back popping audibly.

“Maybe a massage will be in order tonight as well.” Jensen’s laughter follows Jared from the room.

While Jared is busy downstairs, Jensen sets about unpacking everything meant for the bedroom, which mainly consists of his clothes, along with some miscellaneous items that he wanted up there. It won’t take much to get settled in, there aren’t a whole lot of boxes to unpack and, despite his tiredness, Jensen throws himself into it.

By the time the doorbell rings, Jensen is in the middle of placing his books on the bookshelf in the living room. Jared pays the delivery boy, and brings the pizza into the kitchen, placing it down on the bar. “Give that a rest, Jen. You’ve done enough for one day,” he says as he goes about gathering two paper plates from the cupboard and grabbing a couple of beers from the fridge.

“I just want to get it done,” Jensen sighs, pushing himself up off the floor and heading into the kitchen, sliding himself onto one of the bar stools.

“I know, but you have plenty of time for that.” Jared opens the box, pulling out a couple of slices and dropping them onto his awaiting plate. “Leave yourself something to do tomorrow,” he teases, sliding onto the seat beside Jensen.

Sticking his tongue out, childishly, Jensen retrieves his own food and digs in immediately. It wasn’t until that very moment that he realized how hungry he was. He hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast that morning, so it was no wonder he’d worked up an appetite. “It just feels good to finally be here,” he says after he has swallowed the pizza in his mouth, reaching for a swig from his bottle of beer.

Jared shows off the fact that he has no etiquette, as he answers with his mouth full, “I know what you mean. I was so eager to move in here with you, it couldn’t happen fast enough.”

Jensen can’t hold in his laughter. “Jay, I love you, but finish chewing before you open that mouth of yours! I know your momma raised you better!” He teases with a wide grin.

Jared, of course, responds by opening his mouth wide, showing Jensen the contents of his chewed pizza to which Jensen sends him a disgusted glare and slaps him on the arm. “I swear I’m living with a two year old!” He sighs, exasperated, though it is a fight to keep a grin off his face.

“Yeah,” Jared says the word softly, going from childish to serious in a blink of an eye. “We are living together, again, only this time is so much better than before.”

Jensen couldn’t disagree, this time was different, and it _was_ better than before. This time it was by choice, a decision they’d made together, a stepping stone in their relationship. He smiles around his slice of pizza, pleased with where his life is currently at.

**:0Ж0:**

Fresh from the shower, Jensen pads barefoot into the bedroom to find Jared sitting close by the fireplace with a book open in his hands. Drawing closer, he smiles at the intense expression on his boyfriend’s face as he reads Oscar Wilde, the book he’d gotten Jensen for Christmas a couple of years back.

He looks up when Jensen’s shadow falls over the book, eyes dark as he rakes them down Jensen’s near naked form. A thrill runs through Jensen at being so openly ogled, in his thin cotton boxer briefs, a towel hanging over his shoulders. Bookmark in place, Jared sets it aside and rises from the chair, taking the step it takes to have their bodies flush together.

“This will be our first night in our home, in _our_ bedroom,” Jared whispers, fingertips skimming down Jensen’s arms, leaving goosegumps in their wake.

“We have to christen it. It is tradition, after all,” Jensen replies, already a tad breathless with their proximity and the heat of Jared’s breath ghosting over his lips.

A soft grin touches Jared’s lips as he leans in and claims possession of Jensen’s mouth, the towel around Jensen’s shoulders falling to the floor. Releasing a quiet moan, Jensen wraps his arms around Jared’s shoulders, pressing into the kiss and opening his mouth, inviting Jared inside. It’s an invitation that Jared is quick to jump on, sliding his tongue into the wet warmth of Jensen’s mouth, thumb pressing into Jensen’s jaw. The kiss is somehow hard but tender at the same time, filled with emotion and lust, and the need to get closer.

Jared rocks his hips into Jensen, letting him feel just how hard he is already. Jensen turns his head to catch his breath, and Jared immediately begins to suck on his neck, nipping gently over the pulse point. The sensation sends a shiver down the length of Jensen’s spine, forcing a whimper from his throat that seems to spur Jared on.

Reclaiming possession of his mouth, Jared kisses him with passion, their tongues sliding wetly together, hot and sensual. It feels incredible, and Jensen can’t get enough. With a hand placed to Jared’s chest, Jensen can feel the rhythm of his heartbeat, grounding himself to that, feeling as though it is reverberating through him.

Jared’s lips don’t leave Jensen’s as he walks him backward, towards the bed, and gently lowers him down onto it. Smiling up at his boyfriend, Jensen crawls backward until his back meets the array of pillows arranged neatly on the bedspread, reaching back to toss a few of them to the floor.

When he looks back in Jared’s direction, his mouth dries at the bare chest revealed to him. Jared had taken to working out at the gym lately, and all the hard work was certainly paying off. The muscles in his chest now more defined, broad shouldered and defined pecs. He looked as gorgeous as ever, and Jensen needed to get his hands on him, now.

“Like what you see?” Jared teases, though there is a slight tint to his cheeks.

“You know I do,” Jensen grins, eyes raking over his boyfriend unabashedly.

Ridding himself of his jeans, Jared joins him on the bed; crawling up in a similar fashion and positioning himself overtop Jensen. Smiling, he cups a hand around the back of Jared’s neck and pulls him in for another deep kiss, thrusting his tongue between unresisting lips and relishing the whimper that escapes his boyfriend.

**:0Ж0:**

Jensen awakens the next morning to the rhythmic sound of rain hitting the roof and Jared’s warmth wrapped around him from behind. It feels right, just perfect, and Jensen thinks he could spend the whole day just like this, with the quiet sounds of rain and Jared’s reassuring warmth at his back.

Jared’s hand is splayed across his stomach, and he reaches down to entwine their fingers, smiling when Jared gives his hand a gentle squeeze. A soft hum of breath ghosts over his ear, sending a pleasant shiver through him. “G’mornin’,” Jared mumbles sleepily, snuggling even closer to Jensen’s back, and presses a kiss to the nape of Jensen’s neck.

“Morning,” Jensen whispers, closing his eyes happily, and enjoying the feel of Jared’s lips against his neck. “This is a nice way to wake up.”

“Hmm, I couldn’t agree more,” Jared drawls, releasing Jensen’s hand to cup his morning erection. Jensen’s hips to push up into the palm of Jared’s hand, a soft gasp escaping his lips.

“Didn’t you get enough last night?” He teases, even as a moan works its way passed his throat.

Jared chuckles into his ear, nipping at the lobe as he starts to stroke him. “Could never get enough of you,” he replies, grinning when he twists his wrist on an upstroke and earns himself a mewl for his efforts.

“You’re insatiable, you know that?” Jensen thrusts into Jared’s hand, and then whimpers in loss when Jared pulls his hand away. “That doesn’t mean I want you to stop!”

Jared chuckles again, placing a kiss to Jensen’s cheek. “I never said I was stopping,” he speaks softly, as his fingers probe at Jensen’s hole, humming in appreciation. “You’re still loose from last night.”

Jensen has a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue, but it is lost at the feel of Jared’s lube-slick finger sliding into his body. He rocks back into it, making encouraging noises and urging Jared to add another finger, which he gladly obliges. It doesn’t take long to get him ready, he was already quite loose from the night before, but Jared still takes extra care just to be sure he won’t hurt him at all.

Once his fingers leave Jensen’s body altogether, Jensen turns and sits up, grabbing the condom from Jared’s slick hand. “Allow me,” he smiles as he tears into the small packet and slides the condom down, sheathing Jared’s cock, and then slicks him up with the lube. Rising up onto his knees, Jensen straddles Jared’s hips as his boyfriend reclines back against the pillows. Their eyes never leave each other as Jensen takes hold of Jared’s dick, guiding it to his entrance and lowers himself down. Simultaneously, they release soft moans, Jared reaching up to grasp hold of Jensen’s hips hard enough that Jensen is sure he will see bruises later. The thought is a pleasant one.

Giving himself a moment to adjust, and just _feel_ Jared inside of him, he lifts up and slowly lowers himself back down, setting a slow rhythm designed to drive them both crazy. Jensen gasps, his hands planted on his lover’s firm thighs, his hips undulating as he rides Jared. Jared’s eyes track his movements, his intense hazel stare glued to Jensen, his face, his hips, no part of him goes untouched. It makes Jensen feel powerful, seeing the undisguised lust in Jared’s eyes, knowing he can reduce this man to a quivering mass of desire when he wants to. It’s a power Jared holds over him as well.

When need becomes too much to ignore, Jensen forgoes the slow rhythm for fast and hard, moaning deep in his chest when he changes the angle just so. He feels a pleasurable shudder run through his body when Jared begins playing with his nipple, alternating between rubbing and pinching it. He is getting close, can feel it so strongly, and his dick hasn’t even been touched yet.

When his eyes had fallen closed, he couldn’t be sure, but they snap open when he feels Jared wrap a strong arm around his waist and flips them over. Hands grasping Jared’s biceps, he pushes down into each thrust of Jared’s hips, moaning his appreciation. Jensen has to admit he loves it like this, Jared above him, pinning him into the mattress with his body and strength. It is one of the few times he doesn’t mind giving up control, and being manhandled was a secret turn on for him. He had no qualms about letting Jared have his way with him.

Face buried in the crook of Jensen’s neck, Jared thrusts a couple more times before his orgasm rushes through him, his body tensing as he calls out Jensen’s name. Jensen holds him through it, hands caressing his back; legs wrapped high around him. Jared lays there for a few moments, panting and breathless, and though Jensen is aching for his own release, he just holds tight to Jared and gives him time to come down from his high.

It is moments like this that he loves, their bodies closer than they ever possibly could be, Jared wrapped around him like a blanket. He feels like he could stay like this forever, with Jared breathing in his ear, the beat of his heart racing alongside Jensen’s. It is intimate, and in these moments, he never feels closer to his boyfriend.

However, he has needs that are prominent. Just as he is about to lose whatever patience he has, Jared rises up enough to get his hand around Jensen’s erection. A groan works its way out of his throat at the tight warmth wrapped around him, unable to stop his hips from pushing up into the circle of Jared’s hand.

Whispering words of encouragement, it only takes a couple of strokes of Jared’s hand to have Jensen coming so hard he nearly blacks out from the force of it. He is coherent enough to feel when Jared slips from his body, but he doesn’t actually open his eyes until he feels a damp rag against his belly. Jared smiles at him when their eyes lock, leaning down for a brief kiss that he promises to finish when he gets back.

Jensen lies there, comfortable and sated, and listens to the rhythmic sounds of the rain until Jared returns from the bathroom. Slipping back into bed, he wraps an arm around Jensen, pulling him in close. Jensen lies on his side, facing Jared, and looks back into those hazel eyes that he loves.

“This feels incredible, doesn’t it?” He speaks softly, not wanting to break the tranquil moment between them by speaking too loud.

Humming in agreement, a small smile pulls at the corner of Jared’s lips. “I’m so glad we did this. This is more than I could’ve hoped for,” he releases a huff of a laugh, hazel eyes shining with happiness. “I’m going to love waking up next to you each morning.”

This brings a similar smile to Jensen’s face, as he reaches out to run his fingers along the edge of Jared’s jaw. “I can’t believe we’ve made it. After all we’ve been through, with all the doubts and fear and hurt, we actually made it.”

“Did you ever doubt that we would?” Jared asks hand squeezing Jensen’s hips as his eyes search Jensen’s for an answer.

“I wish I could say I didn’t.” He lets out a sigh. “There were times I wasn’t sure we’d make it through, wasn’t sure we were meant to be together, with everything thrown our way, and the things we did ourselves. But… none of that matters, we’re here, we’re together…”

“We’ve beaten the odds, and that’s what matters,” Jared finishes for him. The smile on his face isn’t exactly beaming, but it’s more of a calm happiness, genuine and more emotional than a beaming smile could hold. It fills Jensen with warmth just to see it, and he can’t help but to return it with a small smile of his own.

“Yeah, and I couldn’t be happier,” he responds honestly, closing the space between their mouths to press a sweet kiss to Jared’s lips.

They lie in bed for a good portion of the morning, neither of them too eager to get up and face the day, content with listening to the calming rain and sharing lazy kisses that leave them breathless.

  
**These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive**   
**These are the moments I'll remember all my life**   
**I found all I've waited for and I could not ask for more**  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> I Could Not Ask For More - by Edwin McCain


	34. Epilogue

-~*~-  
 **Epilogue:**  
-~*~-

“You guys should get a dog,” Mike says as he rejoins everyone in the living room, a couple of bowls filled with popcorn in his hands that he places onto the coffee table. “You have all of this space, there’s no reason you shouldn’t have a dog.”

“I have two dogs at home, Mike,” Jared grabs a kernel and tosses it at Mike’s bald head. “But he has a point,” he directs this at Jensen with a hopeful look. “I always considered having Sadie and Harley brought out here once I had a place where I could have them.”

“Are you asking me permission to bring your dogs here?” Jensen asks, amused.

“No, not permission, but this is our house,” Jared clarifies, and makes sure Jensen gets his point. “These are things we should make decisions on together, don’t you think?”

“It isn’t really a decision at all, I love Sadie and Harley, and you know I’d love to have them here. This is where they belong anyway. But, I’m glad you’re including me.” Jensen leans over, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth, while at the same time stealing a handful of popcorn.

“You guys are so married, it’s adorable!” Sophia coos, making everyone laugh - or gag exaggeratedly, in Chad’s case - but they all seem to agree with her.

“You two do act like a married couple,” Steve chuckles under his breath, but Jensen can tell he means this in the nicest way, his words are not meant to mock.

“We’re never going to hear the end of this, are we?” Jared rolls his eyes, a sentiment Jensen shares. “You make sure to comment every time we’re together.”

Tom, who is usually quiet and does his best to stay out of things like this, surprisingly speaks up. “No one means to tease, we’re all genuinely happy you two have worked things out, and are as strong as ever. These guys, they’re just happy, and they can’t stop making comments because it’s good to have everything back on track.”

Jensen leans back into the couch cushions, considering his friend’s words. He can understand where he - and everyone else - is coming from. He’d had similar thoughts as well, though he typically kept them to himself, for the most part.

However, it does feel like everything has straightened themselves out in their lives. Their little gang of friends feels complete again. There is no tension, no misunderstandings and relationship issues getting in the way. Everyone is free to relax, to spend an afternoon in each other’s company, and just be happy.

It may have taken a while, with plenty of troubles and obstacles thrown in their path, but everything feels right again, like this was how it was always meant to be. When he first moved to California, Jensen never could have dreamed that such a great group of people would accept him with open arms, but he considers himself lucky.

A soft touch to the inside of his wrist draws Jensen out of his thoughts, and when he looks up he finds Jared watching him with a soft smile on his face. The corner of his mouth lifts up in a small smile, tuning back into the conversation going on around him, and laughs along with everyone else at the joke Mike had been telling, animatedly.

Chris slides a movie into the player, effectively shutting down further jokes from Mike, and instead they all make random comments about the comedy Chad had chosen for their movie night. This was something they did once a week, each taking turns with picking out a movie. It was a good way for them all to keep in touch, and spend some quality time together. Jensen thought this was a great idea, seeing as life changes and people tend to get busy with their lives, he doesn’t want to lose the closeness he shares with any of them.

Pulling his feet up onto the couch beneath him, he snuggles into the warmth of Jared’s side. He pushes all thoughts from his mind, letting himself relax and enjoy the moment, surrounded in good company.

**:0Ж0:**

Later, after movie night has ended, Jared takes it upon himself to clean up the living room while Jensen heads upstairs for a shower. Rounding up the empty beer bottles, he tosses them into the recycle bin and takes the trash out to the road to be picked up tomorrow morning.

Returning to the house, he climbs the stairs to the second floor, and is unable to hear the sounds of the shower running. Entering their empty bedroom tells him immediately where Jensen is. Most days he can usually be found in their home office, typing away on the computer, working on his book. Jared usually leaves him alone during those times, so as to not distract him, or he will sit quietly by the window and read a book.

He has to admit that he likes their lives, the comfortable routine they have, and just sharing each other’s space can be enough. It just feels good that despite everything they have gone through, things are good, and life is good. Jared is very passionate about photography, and he has decided to pursue a career in Travel Photography. This will more than likely take him to exotic places, he will be required to travel, which would mean an undetermined amount of time spent away from home and away from Jensen. This would be the one aspect of it that he is still undecided about. He is also studying photojournalism though, as a backup plan if things don’t work out.

Jensen is still attending his classes at the University but will be graduating soon and has been thinking about career paths, though he hasn’t been able to decide yet. Jared keeps telling him not to stress over it, and that he has time to get that figured out. Jensen begrudgingly admits that he has a point, but Jared can see how it still stresses him out. 

In the meantime, he has been writing a lot. A book about his experiences, with moving to California and starting college far from home, his struggles with that and the attack. He says that it is therapeutic in many ways, and Jared doesn’t doubt that it is. Jensen has managed to move passed the attack, but he still is fighting his demons. He still has issues with public displays of affection, even just holding hands, and they both have considered the possibility that he may never fully be comfortable with it again. Nevertheless, he has made progress, and that’s what counts.

As expected, he finds Jensen sitting in front of the computer, typing away at the keyboard. He stands in the doorway for a few long moments, just watching Jensen’s back and listening to the sounds his fingers make on the keys. Once the sounds stop, Jensen turns in his seat to look over his shoulder at Jared.

“I thought I could feel a pair of eyes watching me,” he laughs, motioning Jared to come closer.

Jared does so without further prompting, running his fingers through Jensen’s hair once he is close enough to touch. “It figures you’d be in here, hard at work, as always.”

Jensen smiles slightly, unable to disagree. “Once I get started on this it’s hard to pull myself away,” he admits with a sheepish grin.

“I’m not complaining,” Jared shrugs and gives a beaming grin of his own. “At this rate, you’ll be a published author in no time.”

Jensen gives a nervous smile. “I don’t think I’ll ever try to get published, it’s just not something I want to share with just anyone, much less the world. My every thought and emotion is written plainly on paper, it’s just too personal to me. Maybe one day I’ll consider it, but it’s too soon.”

In a way, Jared can see where he is coming from; having strangers read something that is so personal to you must be intimidating. However, he has seen how hard Jensen has worked on this, has spent countless hours in front of the computer screen, and that kind of dedication shouldn’t go to waste. At least, Jared doesn’t think so. Now is not the time to persuade Jensen though, so he just smiles and gives a nod of understanding.

“I hope that one day you will reconsider, because I think your story deserves to be told. But, for now, I see where you’re coming from and I won’t try too hard to reason with you.” Giving a teasing smile, he leans down to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips, loving the way Jensen opens up to it and kisses him back softly.

The kiss lingers for a few moments, and by the end, they are just sharing breath, relishing to closeness. Smiling, he moves over to the chair by the window and takes a seat. Grabbing the book lying on the table beside it, he plans to read quietly while Jensen works on his book, but Jensen’s voice breaks the silence between them.

“The book is finished.” Jared looks up in surprise, and Jensen smiles back a bit shyly, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “I may not be the best writer, Jay, and I’d need someone I trust to read it first before I even considered trying to get it published… Which is something I’m still not sure I’d want to do.” He goes on to say, not wanting Jared to get his hopes up, which is too little too late. Jensen basically said he might consider trying to get his book published if someone close to him liked it, and Jared is determined to see that happen.

Jensen turns away for a moment to print out a few pages on their home printer. Gathering the pages, he uses the hole puncher on each of them before placing them with a stack of papers lying on the edge of the desk. Carefully, he threads ribbon into the holes, binding the pages together in a simple but efficient way.

His hands are shaking just slightly as he turns back to Jared, and crosses the space between them. “Even if the world never gets to read these words, I don’t care, there’s only one person I care to share this with.” Smiling nervously, Jensen hands the book to Jared.

Taking it carefully, he looks into Jensen’s eyes as he stands up and pulls the light-haired man into his arms, embracing him tightly. “Thank you,” he whispers in Jensen’s ear, pulling back just enough to slot his mouth over his boyfriend’s, kissing him soft and sweet.

Blushing, Jensen runs his fingers down Jared’s jaw, a mixture of emotions in his eyes as he kisses his lips once more. “I’ll be downstairs, working on dinner. Take your time with the book, it may take you a while to read, so when you’re ready to take a break come join me in the living room, otherwise I’ll come get you when the food is ready.”

Jared just gives a nod, and watches as Jensen walks out of the room. His eyes stare at the vacant doorway for a moment longer before taking his seat at the window once more. Bringing his eyes to the book clutched in his hands, he reads the title “Caught in the Hands of Fate” and he smiles.

**The End**


End file.
